…and I am totally restless. I am not sleepy (I blame my mom’s “cooling drink” thing). Hopefully typing into my netbook will make me sleepy.
What’s on my mind? The fact that I am really not that happy. I am dwelling on my regrets, sinking lower and lower into my own self-pity and self-indignation. I don’t have too many regrets in my life, but the biggest one I have is never finishing in my field of biology. It doesn’t help that I had this awesome conversation with one of my patients who is a biology-nerd too. It really reminded me what I miss the most: being around people who truly enjoy learning and who appreciate biology. I want to be able to talk nerd and just revel in the amazingness of the body and other natural processes.
Dental hygiene is indeed in the field of biology and one that I had been intrigued by since I was little, but let’s face it: the people I went to school with really weren’t having the same mindset at myself. Except one person. And she intends to go on to be a dentist. They weren’t stellar awesome students (not saying I am), and to be perfectly honest, I don’t really think they cared too much beyond learning what they needed to know to move on in life. Nothing wrong with that, though. What I’m trying to say, here is that during the last 2 years, I yearned for and still yearn for people who share the same passion I do. That biology is the thing of beauty. That it’s not just simply learning and spitting out information. It’s taking that information, really understanding it, and applying it to the world around us. Appreciating life from what we just learned. Figuring out and making connections with those bits of insight.
Along with that regret is the regret that I wasn’t able to accomplish in hygiene school all that I was capable of. It was more something a little more out of my hands, but still. I continue to say this, but truly the ONE best thing that ever happened to me in my life was going away to college. Being immersed in academics in a way that killed all the distractions. I didn’t have to come home and worry about people at home. I didn’t have people waiting on me. I didn’t have to worry about transportation or what time it was (except for when the buildings closed). I didn’t have those extra stressors in my life. I could just focus on being the best I could in what I loved.
Unfortunately, when I moved back home and went to hygiene school, living on campus or close to it was definitely not an option. I had transportation issues. I had a tight time schedule. I had drama at home every day. I couldn’t put 100% into my studies. Studying at home was nigh impossible for me. Even if I graduated magna cum laude, I was still always so disappointed in myself. I KNEW I could get summa cum laude. I had been well on my way back at UMW. But I didn’t. And blaming it on things won’t change a bit. BUT BUT BUT. If I could do it again, and on campus, in the same environment as I had at UMW, I would so do it. I am confident that I could have achieved that summa cum laude.
I know it’s in the past and I know it doesn’t REALLY matter in the grand scheme of things and I know I’m making a big deal out of what is essentially nothing, but it IS something to me; it’s that feeling of failure in the back of my mind. That thing I KNOW I could have done, but I didn’t and couldn’t.
I guess I feel a sense of unfinished-ness. I only have a Baccalaureate degree. I never finished the biology I loved. I can feel that I need to go higher, to prove to myself that I can do more. I WANT to be able to learn more things. I want to be challenged, to see how far I can take myself. It’s making me so restless. My graduation sucked because I couldn’t invite people to it that I wanted. My situation at home at the time did not allow me to do that. I didn’t want to subject people to that. 5 years of college and for what? A degree that most people respond the same way to (Dental hygienist? Oh. huh. Why aren’t you going to back to be a dentist?), a not-so-happy graduation, a deteriorating brain, and disappointing regrets.
It sucks to come to the realizatioin that maybe I took the hygiene route (knowing that I probably wouldn’t be 100% happy in it) because I had to. It was the most logical choice at the time. I knew my family was having huge drama issues. I knew that doing the 5 years at UMW and then getting on to grad school was a lot of money. I knew that I my dad resented me so much for even going to UMW and that the money that was paying for my education there was sour. I knew that going to VCU would alleviate his resentment a little on both the money front and…well…the money front. I knew that my mom needed me at home again because my sister was away from home too and my brother was too depressed in his own sorrows and selfish little world to be of much use to her (she almost died and no one knew). Don’t get me wrong. Hygiene school was another great thing that happened to me, and I really do love the subject matter too. I don’t regret that. I wouldn’t have met all the people I did if I hadn’t gone. It’s just sad to know as soon as I graduated and not even working in the field yet that I wasn’t going to be happy doing it everyday for the rest of my life. I don’t want it to feel like a means to something else for me, but it really is. I DON’T want to be doing hygiene everyday for the rest of my life; heck my body won’t be able to take it anyways.
I really am just digging the hole deeper.
So what do I do? I have reality issues to deal with at the moment. We want to move out soon and my mom still depends heavily on me for the financial part. She’ll probably need me in the future and I’ll be there if she does. My sister is dealing with her own issues now, and my daggum brother is also out of the picture as usual (separate issue right now). I have a temporary FT coming up soon, but for the moment I’m just being a bum. A poor, lazy bum who wants to move forward but doesn’t know how to do that, and is even dreading the FT position. It’s frustrating that money is so essential for just about every aspect in life.
Living up here is kind of annoying too with all these darn family functions all the time. I just want to go somewhere else and not have to be bothered by them (sometimes is nice to be so busy you have an excuse. My mom and I are always running away “shopping” haha). I’m good for the big holidays like christmas and thanksgiving and stuff, but not ALL the time. Geez. I love my family, but I also realllllllly appreciate my privacy–which is why I’m so keen on moving (though not so keen on having to live with my brother again. He’s such a pain. So needy. I’d much rather it be just me and my mom. I hate unmotivated and irresponsible people…but that’s another rant, another entry).
Bah. Sorry for the vicious ranting. I get in these moods every so often. It always feels better to write it down somewhere, to get my thoughts together and off my chest. I think I might need to start hand writing my private thoughts again. There are things I just can’t post online.
I think it worked. One hour later, I’m sleepy. :)
Life... 