TOday. Thursday.

Marks the first day my co-worker will be not here for 2 weeks which means I have to deal with STUPID for the entireity of the time. I’d mentioned before that if she started working here every day, I’d quit and find a different job. This is going to be hell. Maybe I should bring a book or something.

I love short hair. I just LOVE short hair. I don’t care what people think either. I’ve had super short hair for 9 years now, and I’ve been through lots of flak for it. It has been one of the most enlightening and empowering experiences I’ve ever been through. Let’s just say, it takes GUTS be able to wear this type of hair as a female. Dirty looks, annoying comments, silent judgements, fear, awkward confusion about my sexuality from straight and non alike, cluelessness from the older population. Then there are the overly supportive ones, those who wish they had the guts too. However….it’s a good thing I live in this diverse area and not somewhere more backward and conservative.

One good thing that came about that whole email-sister-thing, is that I was able to sleep really well last night–something I’ve been unable to do for a while. High blood pressure has got to come down sometime. I don’t feel sleepy this morning even though I ended up oversleeping 8 minutes. THrough it all, she just doesn’t get it. She can’t or won’t see the truth in all of this. Nothing I said was a lie or an untruth. It was fact. Then again, factualism is how I get into the ire of other people as I’ve found…but how can you refute fact? By bringing in emotion. That’s all the defense there is at that point. So no matter what hot air she blew at me, when all of that dissipated, the bottom line is still the same. The facts remained. That’s probably what made her so mad to begin with, and I knew she’d get mad and I put that right in the email. She’s always accused me of being a know-it-all. Well. Maybe because I AM right the vast majority of the time. I’m not boasting, it’s just, well, the facts. I pretty much know what’s going to happen once I decide to do something because I’ve thought of all the outcomes already. She has always been fantastic at accusing other people of things and never herself. Always quick with a defensive mouth-off. That’s my dad and his family. How can I possibly be wrong?

You could say to me right now, well, are YOU wrong? Admit that! I would respond with, I’ve thought about it already: I’ve been wrong about nothing. I’ve never asked much of them. For some reason she’s been hung-up on the whole fridge business about not being able to choose it themselves. She has no reason to be because it’s NOT HER HOUSE. Plus, how do you live without a fridge? I also did it because a fridge costs a lot of money. I just finished paying it off actually. AND on top of it all, that day was the last day of the black Friday sale last year. If you waited longer everything would be very expensive. I’ve been fridge shopping before. I know how much these things cost.

In the end it’s a major ego trip and she’s forgotten the original reason why we had this agreement: for them to save money to buy a house. It wasn’t because I wanted them to live in my house. That part was just beneficial for security and home insurance. They’re squatters. It wasn’t for them to raise a child. In fact, all of us stopped wanting to go down there altogether . It was like my vacation home away from things. She even mentioned she was upset that no one would visit. Why would we want to visit? It wasn’t just me. It was my brother and even my mom too. No one wanted to visit. I didn’t put them up to it as people seem to think I do. They can think for themselves. In fact, I did the opposite and encouraged my brother to go though he never did.

SO IRRITATING. AND I’M LATE.

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Livid

So. Guess who finally got back to me about my email? Only about 3 weeks later. On her own birthday. And just as I had anticipated, it was just as scathing and rollercoastery as I thought it would be, as well as somewhat mirroring my own basic email outline.

As I keep telling everyone, you have to understand my sister. People keep giving me advice on what to do, how to approach things, from the beginning, middle and currently. That’s great, but it only works if the other person is overly reasonable and objective. In this case, it’s not. She’s easily offended and becomes defensive almost instantly, lashing out and making a general fuss before switching emotions altogether. I only know because 1) I grew up with her and 2) duh, she’s related to me. I’ve spent much of my life trying to rein in and control my tendency toward those Dark Blood outbursts. In my opinion I’ve succeeded over the years, for the most part, in keeping things rather neutral at least initially and in in person, waiting to vent later. It’s very helpful when dealing with overly emotional patients as it is my job after all to deal with fearful, anxious persons day in a day out, all with various manifestations of the same emotion. Not to mention my failed relationship was rife with it. The best way, I’ve found in dealing with it all is to try and remain as objective as possible. Thanks to dating my ex, I’ve had some good training on how to approach a relationship argument, the choice of words, mindset, etc to keep it from blowing out of proportion as possible. In dealing with patients, it’s the exact same. Depending on my mood I may let some emotion in, but it’s all measured to the right amount as to jostle but not tip the bucket. There are nice things to say, then there are inciting things to say. The hardest part, of course, is to brush aside the pride, consider their side of it, agree with what should be agreed with, then get my own point across. By lowering yourself, you’ll be able to convince the other relax their shield arm.

Ironically, being a neutral 3rd party can be even more inciting than being emotional. Why does that infuriate people? You know what my siblings used to tell me when I was little? They said I had no logic and no common sense. I was purely booksmart and that was it. I dunno, I think I’m pretty reasonable. I’ll listen to you. I’ll think about your side of it. Then I’ll make a decision.

She accused me of many things, but what got me, was that she said I know nothing about her. Hah. You’d be surprised, sister. I know lots about you, but you know what’s more than knowing? Action. You can be all sorts of things, know all sorts of things, have all sorts of awards and accolades. What speaks higher than all of that combined, is action. You know something? Great. Prove it me. Utilize it.

It’s absolutely amazing the stuff that was in that email. So amazing, in fact, that I spent the next hour yelling about it to anyone in the house who would listen. Un-freaking believable.

Then again, I got exactly what I expected. It’s not uncommon especially in this day and age. People can’t have healthy conversation when every social media post or even newscast is about inciting emotional outrage.

Now that I’ve calmed down a bit to be able to dissect it all, it’s interesting how many of the wrong things she employed when it comes to argument/discussion. I hope she doesn’t use that on her husband. That’s how you create rifts. Like the one between us right now. Though, honestly, I don’t actually feel much emotion about it all at this very point in time. I was busy being furious earlier, but once it’s done, it’s gone now. Now I still have that throbbing resentment that’s been in me all this time, but that’s about it. Almost robotic. If she wants to stay in that Dark Blood pool of not-letting-things-go, then more power to her, but I’m not like that anymore. I try very hard not to let it get me down any longer. I may feel one way about a person, as survival would have it, but I do try and see redeeming factors in people. It’s just those like Idiot at work who make it almost impossible to think nicely about a person, but you know, if she has a good point, I’m not about to refute it just because I dislike her. If she has a point, she has a point. Doesn’t make me like her more.

That’s one thing I like to think I made an impact on my ex with: not devolving into emotional breakdown and pointless screaming matches. Especially when everyone’s egos are at stake (cue the eyeroll). It was like that at first, passionate arguments, but eventually it became very understanding on both sides, as we tried to work things through. Obviously it didn’t work, but at least we didn’t have full on rage matches. And when I told him it was over for good, I didn’t want to leave it petty and stupid, so I wished him a happy and peaceful life. It wasn’t sarcastic, it was true and heartfelt. If he took it as sarcastic, then I feel bad for him because then it is indeed true that he knew nothing about me at all.

My mom is taking it all rather hard, though. She thinks it’s all her fault. It’s not. My sister should be more cognizant of people other than herself. I don’t know if that will ever change, given that it’s the major downfall of my dad. That and being able to set aside that ego to see the truth. Maybe it will now that she has to think about her son. Not to say that my ego is tiny, haaa because it’s like a hot air balloon. But I try hard to swallow it and at least consider other people’s feelings. In the end, though, who’s losing the most here and who’s gaining the most? Think about it.

Chilly

What did I do this past weekend? Nothing. Ate food. Bought a game. 2 games. Cut some fabric. Spent a lot of money on dog stuff. Worried about Liana who ate her giant chicken jerky and then Gable’s too and ended up having bad gas and constipation. And DIDN’T GET MY DOUBLE QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHEESE AND FRIES. I ended up with a bacon egg and cheese biscuit and hashbrown which is good too, but NOT A HAMBURGER. Also I chopped off my hair.

This is all silly because I should have been doing sewing stuff. Instead I’m too terrified to do the rest of it because I’m an amateur and don’t really want to mess it all up. I did manage to draw a few things though. RW has been painfully quiet for months on end. I’ve got to do more creative stuff!

Basically did not sleep Monday night. Plus Liana comes into my room and is super loud, and so I awoke feeling completely awake like I never slept to begin with because, it’s true, I really didn’t. Just some surface napping. Then I realized it was October 16.

I’m so fat these days. I have to get back down to doing workout stuff, but so many distractions…and my mom decided she wants to try and sew the final stuff for me. Normally I’d be like, wut I want to do it myself (even if I’m procrastinating), but I really want her to do something and want to do something again instead of sitting around watching TV and brain-mushing all of the time, so I’m more than happy to hand it off.

I wasn’t going to buy any games, but the new Phoenix Wright had come out and I’ve gotten every single game since I tried out the series. Then I downloaded a bunch of demos and the Monster Hunter Stories was such a good demo (despite being based off the terrible, terrible anime) I couldn’t help but buy that too. T-T It really is good, though. I have no regrets. Except maybe a bank account regret.

I’m not sure why Liana has been spending the night in my room lately. As repeated before, none of my dogs start off in my room (except occasionally Gable will plead with me and I’ll give in, but I usually regret that), but the door is open so if they wish to come in, they are allowed. They’re both so adorable. Yesterday I was sitting with her and she put her head on my lap–something she would never have dreamed of doing just 2 years ago. Even last year she didn’t do that. I remember when I first got her, anytime I sat next to her, her eyes would go wild like she was afraid and even if I put her head on my lap she would pull away. If I took a paw she’d pull it back. She was never snappy or growling or anything like that, just fearful and untrusting. THREE years to get her to fully trust me. That’s a long time. He’s always trusted me, but he had a problem where if you even sort of leaned on him, he’d growl in panic, being severely claustrophobic. Ever since Liana let me do that, he decided he wanted loving too, so now I can lean on him for a sort of extended period of time without him growling. He’s always put his head on my lap if I sit next to him. Such a goober.

On our grocery run on Monday I went to get a scratcher because one was calling out to me on the screen ($40 off that $10 scratcher…gut instinct wins again!), but then realized that someone had left $3 in it. I looked around, asked around, and when no one seemed even remotely interested in what I was doing, got a mega millions and a powerball ticket. I’m wary of any semblance of good luck this year, so I’m keeping my eye out for the massive karma fall.

Thursday Again

Starting yesterday, I guess with the clouds, it has been extremely dark in the morning. Very hard to wake up. Looks like another sleepy day at work too.

Yesterday started off poorly for me at work. My first patient walked out and then I managed to displace my second patient’s jaw. My doctor came in and fixed it, but I just felt crummy. Totally crummy. On top of it all I’d spent the morning in the bathroom because I ate ice cream the night before and had that low-grade pain throughout most of the workday. I guess I shouldn’t eat ice cream as much in the next few months. Darn. And here I thought I possibly would be able to in the near future.

With the loss of the tree in the back, I’d gotten a patio plant stand for my birdfeeders because Liana was getting depressed with the lack of squirrels. Well. Now without the tree and regular squirrel bird-feeder-raiding-traffic, Liana has had, in her old age, SEVERAL very near squirrel kills. The fire is back in her eyes even though she is still very restless in the house, and for me, all I want to do is see her happy. I know what she really wants is to run in a yard and lay in the grass, but I’m afraid she’ll forget herself again and be in pain. Sigh. How do you solve a problem like Liana? How do you catch a cloud and pin it down? How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

My darling girl, and my sweet, goofy boy. Oh yeah, gotta make sure I print off new pictures for my photocube at work. It’s very popular and people don’t want to see my family so much as my dogs lol.

Sister Trouble

Remember how when this whole business started I hoped and prayed that it wouldn’t strain our relationship? Well. There you go.

So last week I sent another e-mail to her about moving out. Mind you this is October. I sent the e-mail back in January telling her she had one year to leave. It wasn’t a nice email but then again I didn’t mean it to be because guess what? It’s, well, October. 10 months from the original notification. While yes I did tell her that she had until January, there has been plenty of time to move out. This was before even the whole baby thing. When they came up and announced they were having a baby back in April/Mayish, I took the opportunity, in person, to recommend they really think about moving before the baby arrived because there’s no way anyone would want go move with an infant around. Their response? Oh but we don’t want to change doctors. We’ll move right after the baby. Already a dumb decision. Then I started on to recommend if they can’t afford a house yet then at least rent. Oh no, we won’t rent. It’s a waste of money. We want a garage. So on and so forth with excuses and unrealistic wants. “I only want to move once.” Stupid things like that. At the time I had given the 1 year time frame and I was seriously regretting having been so generous but hey, I had stuff I still needed to do before selling anyways.

Well. They bought new cars. One was practical, a RAV4, the other completely dumb luxury hybrid. A want, not a need. He drives a car given to him for work why would he need an expensive car? They have no money for a down payment right? What about the baby? Student loans? A mortgage??? Then they wanted a dog. What are you going to do, subsist off ramen and pancakes? Owning a home is freaking expensive. Cell phone bills. Utilities. Personal property tax. Internet. Things go wrong. HOA fees. Owning a dog is even more unbelievably expensive and we’re not just talking money. Time. Patience. They need food. Vet bills. What are they going to do, dump the dog on me when they want to go somewhere? Dump the baby on my mom? They have no right to be picky about anything at all. They only sometimes pay me anything to live there and even then it’s not even half of the mortgage.

Do they have no consideration for others? How am I related to her???

I ask them to do me favors since I’m not there. For instance, I asked her to do the fertilizer for me since I already bought it but didnt have time to do it. Her answer (to my face here) was, “no you’re going to have to do it.” I asked her from the very beginning multiple times, in person (to both of them), in email, in text, to call someone about the siding. I will pay for it. She says, oh yeah, or doesn’t even acknowledge it. He says, “yeah yeah yeah I know.” Nothing happens. I asked him to do the mulch in the back for me. His mother does it instead. His only job is to mow the lawn. Now my neighbor is doing it. I HATE being indebted to people. I dont care how nice he is (and he is). What THE HELL does my brother in law do. Seriously. I buy a new fridge like a good landlord the day it went busto (which I still think was their fault but that’s not the point here) and all they do is complain about it. I don’t even know if they change the air filters for the HVAC once a month.

You know, I felt bad, ok, when he was being a deadbeat and they were subsisting solely on my sister’s wages. They had to buy generic everything. I felt awful. I asked him a couple times why he didnt apply for a part-time job at least and he would say boredly, “Oh, I applied at Best Buy….” Is that it? Just one place. Now he has a job. Ok then, take charge of your family and chop chop let’s go. Nope. Lots of excuses and I still don’t see much to show from it all. Just poor buying practices.

I really feel like I’m being taken advantage of by my own sister and they’re very ungrateful. It’s not my house anymore. It doesn’t feel like it. The only place that feels like mine is the backyard which I love so much. Heck, none of us want to go down there anymore. We used to go all the time and now it’s just excuses to not go. I hoped so badly when everyone warned me in the beginning (friends, coworkers, patients, relatives) about this arrangement that it would never become this because she’s my own sister. God knows that I would never dream of doing this. If I was down on my luck and needed to, you know I’d be grateful and out of their hair as quickly as I could. I just thought that because I was helping her out that she would think of me too. In the beginning it was mutually beneficial but not anymore. Hasn’t been for a year now and the more they make poor decisions and act entitled the more resentment builds within me. It shouldn’t have been this way. Now I know to never rely on them ever if I can help it.

They’re stubborn, demanding, and unreasonable given that they literally can’t afford to be.

And now she’s upset at me although she has no right to be. They have no leg to stand on. And she wants me to be able to talk to her? The one who is so easily offended by everything? Yeah that went well the last time we were in person. They told me they’d get a realtor in September. Guess what darling, it’s not September anymore.

The resentment keeps growing and of course their birthdays and the holidays are creeping up. She hasn’t graced me with images of the baby in a week now. Ooo she’s mad alright. But my mom is still getting them.

She knows I’m right. Even if they won’t and can’t admit it. Any 3rd party can see it. The only people who can’t are them.

I said it before, but I’m tired of taking care of people and getting nothing in return. When is someone going to take care of me? I’m grateful to my mom and brother for their help and support. I guess it’ll always just be me. At least I’ll always have myself. These one-sided relationships are not all that fun.

I’m not looking for repayment. I don’t want their money even if I’m in debt myself. Heck, that’s why I agreed to all of this in the first place: to help them out financially. I just want to be able to finally think about my own future again. Great you started a family. So act like one and take responsibility. Let my life move forward too.

It’s petty, negative and depressing to deal with this. Can’t wait until it’s finally over.

Going through the newsfeed

And I see this gem. It goes hand in hand with my prior post about the fire department. I was drawn in to read it because of the polar headline, but as usual I try to look past the flagrance and read with a neutral mindset. The first thought that came to mind was this is just like firefighters. In a vastly male dominated and traditionally male field there is inherently pride and subsequent misogyny. Why? Are males, therefore, innately chauvinists? He makes the argument that women can’t possibly ever understand the sport which I can see if he’s talking about how women and men will never be able to truly understand each other, but then he tries to explain it by saying men value substance not the appearance of things…implying…what…that all women are shallow? And men are not? Wow. Just wow. That is wrong in ao many layers. All I’m going to say to that is life is not as black and white as people make it out to be. That’s why diversity is so significant because nature is about diversity.

So the bigger question is what in the world are men afraid about? That women really are capable of doing things men are? It goes both ways too. I agree and will be the first to point out that women as a whole are physically, anatomically inferior to men. That is a fact of nature. We can’t be expected and can’t expect to beat out males in that aspect. Now. As mentioned before, life isn’t black and white and even in this case there is variety and exceptions. And on top of it we can certainly try. Why not?

In the end maybe they’re afraid to see males and females as equal because they’re afraid that they’re not a special as they think they are. Fear is what breeds anger and hate after all. There are characteristics that differentiate males and females yes. But science proves time and again that they are very insignificant and that men and women are much more alike than different.

Weekend

This past weekend? Well, it was heralded by coming home from work to a very hot house. Which meant…wait for it…NO A/C!!!! It might be fall now, but it feels like summer and will continue to do so until the end of the month. So I get home and tired and start arguing with my mom about not servicing the unit which I’ve suggested and she knew about for years now, season after season. We yell back and forth, me knowing that I shouldn’t have said that and she knowing she should have indeed done it, because it’s not my house after all and yet I’m living in it. WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO LITERALLY DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE. Everyone else is afraid to? I DON’T GET IT. I have to do stuff for my grandparents because my uncle and my brother don’t want to and then fight over responsibility until I just get fed up and do it because the only person losing here are my grandparents. I don’t even know anything, THEY do, they just don’t want to be the one responsible for it all. Then at home, not my house and I actually go to work on weekdays, still have to do everything. Once again, all the other adults are too afraid. Then in MY HOUSE which I’m not even living in, I still have to do everything and can’t rely on them for a single task because they literally just don’t do it. Straight up. But that’s another rant that will make me angry to post about.

Well. I ended up feeling bad. She called the guy who installed the HVAC and I already knew he wouldn’t respond because I couldn’t find him anywhere online, so I started looking up other people. By this time it was so late it would’ve been worthless to call anyone, so we settled down to endure it through the night. It’s nothing new, we endured this back then in much worse conditions like dead summer. We as humans can adapt. I left the window open and curtains open the entire night. The sound of crickets, traffic and neighbors talking filled my ears, but that’s not what was horrible about it. The humidity was present, but once again, not extreme as it is autumn now. I usually have to have some sort of covering on me at night, but I found myself spread-eagle on the bed with nuthin. It didn’t feel bad. Until I woke up around 2am because Gable was dying of heat. He was breathing hard and heavy right at my feet, so I had to get up and set up a fan for him. Took a little while but he finally tried to sleep. That’s when I realized that as humans with no fur we can take it, but dogs (and these are greyhounds with very little fur) can’t. Plus, they’re both elderly. I proceeded to have bad dreams (ie a cat peeing on my face because I didn’t feed it) until I awoke. Thankfully it got much cooler toward morning to the point where I thought the A/C had kicked back on. Took the dogs to the park because I knew we didn’t have air (where dumb people with little children were hanging around. One dad in particular let his toddler chase after my large, strange dogs from the bridge all the way through the parking lot where I’d parked far out until I got to my car. I guess he only got the kid because he was afraid I’d kidnap him. This is why I don’t go to the park late or do anything late on weekends) and then back home to call the A/C guy. He came rolling in around afternoon time and proceeded to not only diagnose and fix the problem, but service the unit and take it upon himself to inspect our utility room, pointing out wrong and illegal things. He went above and beyond what I expected him to do. He explained things very well too which was the best part. Hallelujah for chemically treated air.

Took my mom the next day on a ride to a large Walmart where they sell fabric! Very excited to find another place with more fabric to choose from. In the end I did no sewing that day (did a little the day before, trying to keep the temperature down in the house) because I didn’t know how to do what my mom recommended and I am terrified of messing up the finished product. So I played Tales of Berseria the rest of the weekend. Man, let me tell you, there’s a reason why I don’t watch anime…I get caught up in stories and my obsessive tendencies take over.