Sometimes I wonder wth happened last night when I wake up and see my bed a disaster. This was the case this morning. Blankets and sheets and pillows were in different locations around the room and no dogs in sight. I also felt extremely tired and rested at the same time. Usually it’s easy to wake up for me which is why I don’t need to set my alarm much anymore. It was hard to keep my eyes open for the walk this morning, a strange gooey film was messing with my eyes, and yet I feel like I slept better last night than I have for a week. Fighting something again, I’m sure. Dreams were interesting to say the least…had me running/hiding from something while trying to go about my mission.
Well. I am tired. Really tired right now. This does not bode well for work today.
Speaking of work, it was day 1 back in yesterday and I managed better than I thought I would. My coworkers asked, of course, but I just skirted the subject with my patients.
Man, I’m not someone who internalized her feelings and emotions and need to push it out of myself, but in the wake of all that’s happened this year, I need to keep some inside because otherwise I’ll break down.
I have had about 3 or so mosquito bites this year so far, and it’s hard not to get them because Liana walks slowly now. I’ve been watching her on stairs on walks and stretchies and stuff…she’s careful, very careful. Tough girl, resourceful girl. My warrior dog.
Having spent 5-6 days isolated in the house (the dogs actually stood at the window to watch me leave yesterday), throwing myself back into commuting reminds me yet again of how I have to adopt a persona in order to drive around here. At my core I am not that impatient, aggressive, easy-to-anger driver, it’s just necessary for me to be that way in order to survive up here. It’s a car cut car world in nova, if you feel or act vulnerable or nice, everyone takes advantage right away. This was the case, a good reminder, just 5 minutes into my commute, not even 2 miles from my house.
The thought occurred to me that without M now, not much is keeping me in this area. My grandparents and my mom and my job are, of course, but a new job can be found, and my grandparents eventually (thought morbid to think about) will pass away. My mom at that point isn’t held by much then except my sister (if they’ll ever move from my house…). We are not close at all to my mom’s siblings, so that won’t be a major change or significant tie here. I have no real friends here either except one, but even if she lives like 7 minutes from me I doubt we’ll see each other too terribly often. However, it’s just a thought…there are so many opportunities up here for me, for us, and honestly I do not wish to be around my dad at all. When we went back to visit, I realized that it was a life I left behind, no matter the good points, there are now new bad points, having experienced another living area.
Life is just a waiting game right now. I have no power to do anything to make it move. It’s not fair, but what do I do? The more I complain, the more drama pops up to make me less bored, so maybe it’s better to just let it be and go about other things. Not that I can because I am in a financial rut. Again. No one can help me.
Hastiness: my downfall. Impatience: my weakness. The more years I live, the more I become convinced that escaping fate, while not impossible, is extremely difficult. Maybe all those movies and games were right. The Matrix, Tales of the Abyss…those posit that fate can be averted, but given the right hero and team. For a simple soul? Fate and death. You can cheat them for a little bit, but the paths still eventually come back around to the main path.
No amount of pre-knowledge makes it easier to deal with or avert the main future.