Mashed Potato Brains

I had a patient today that I used to see and hadn’t in a little while. He’s a physician for Kaiser and he always talks — a lot — what was different this time wasn’t him so much as me: my brains are full of mashed potatoes. He, as usual, was talking about intelligent things. As a physician he’s always interested in conditions and such and will work through in his brain out loud and I would contribute with my own brand of intelligence to keep up. However. I couldn’t. I couldn’t come up with the words, the proper names, the medical terminology. I’d mentioned in the past that since I don’t use that kind of information anymore, in dealing with patients (basically I dumb down the words so that people can understand me), I don’t need it and my brain doesn’t think like that anymore. It can be extracted, but that takes effort to find and dust off the cover. I simply cannot believe how far gone it is. Stuff that I’d always been on top of, quick off the top of my head, information, terminology, intelligent conversation, even things like spelling, are gone, poof, into hiding. Even looking back at old posts from college when my brain was top notch and most powerful, I can’t believe how my recent posts pale in comparison in spelling, grammar, accuracy, vocabulary, flow…. And content! Good gravy the content is drivel and inconsequential.

Amazing how little time it takes. You would never know, if you talked to me, that I was always academically inclined. Top of all my classes. Great student. Peers would either respect my prowess, compete, or be jealous. True, I may not have pursued a degree equal to my capability, but that’s by choice and partly by necessity. Now I’ve become what everyone has always assumed of me: an average person with an average job and average intelligence. Not to say that’s a bad thing, not at all, and not to say, either, that I have a powerful need for people to respect me (in fact, I’ve always preferred for others to think I am less than I am), but it does bother me sometimes. Then I sit and wonder what would make me feel validated, then, and how nothing would and why the heck does it even matter on the whole, anyways?

Earlier, I was just pondering about how futile life really is. How inconsequential our lives are when you consider it all. People strive constantly to make a splash, to have a family, to aspire to great things…what’s the point of it all? I get to watch as the kids in my practice grow up and start their own lives. I watch my older patients grow even older and eventually die. Even seemingly healthy patients, happy with life, job, kids just suddenly pass away. I listen and observe as my co-workers and peers rush to get married and have kids before we grow older, ourselves. My mom and grandparents slow down and experience health concerns. Family, patients, friends and myself, all asking me if I’m planning to go higher, to attain higher status. We are currently in December, and yet another year is coming to an end. It’s like it’s all occurring around me and I’m just here watching it all play out like a spectator. My own time and life are slipping away from me. If I were to die tomorrow, people will grieve, but their lives continue and they move on. Is all I’ve done, then for naught? My one little path in the infinite web of life, crisscrossing, meshing, destroying, straying, inspiring other paths of the web…cut abruptly. There are too many other lines to really care about little old me.

Many times I’ve thought about why we are driven to have children and continue that cycle of life. Force them into this world, whether they like it or not. That in and of itself is selfish as it is. We continue the cycle of life, but to what end? There’s no end goal, no finish line that we’re aspiring too, at least that I’m aware of. Why are we and animals and life in general so obsessed with continuation of life? Ha. Maybe I don’t want to know. Maybe, there really IS and finish line and an end game and our evolution over the years is to produce the end product or some specific need. We fear death because we do not understand and do not know what it holds, and yet we live and fight to stay alive even though we neither understand why nor know what the future holds. Life is therefore just like death with the minor exception that we’re, well, alive.

Deep stuff. In the meantime, I’m super sleepy and tired. And I got my Christmas cards in the mail! Also, my left ear really hurts.

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It’s Working

I moved the single most popular post on this blog: the stingray post, to my public blog. It’s working! People are still going to be directed to this blog through search engines, but I’ve provided a link to the newest blog page. Hopefully that one will catch on soon. That way I can try and keep this blog as limited as possible…though I suppose it’s way too late for that, given the amount of followers I’ve garnered (even if they’re fake) and hits that have stacked over time. Oh well. I can hope.

I’ve noticed a distinct change in myself after the end of November. I think I’m officially over my ex. No longer do I think of him when I have downtime. My mom always mentions him every so often and that no longer makes me angry in the pit of my stomach. When sad songs come on, I don’t sit there and wallow in it anymore. I think about it because it’s an experience that happened to me, but that’s it. Sirens don’t have that same gut-punch effect anymore, just like when I take the dogs for a walk. In fact, overall I feel happier, more upbeat, and much less depressed. My grieving time is over, I guess! I’m starting to think about finding someone again, to hang out with and do things with, to be a companion to. I still think and wonder about him, but know I am capable of looking back on everything as a neutral experience. 6 months. Exactly 6 months, in fact. Our anniversary would have been 5 days ago on the 1st of December. It came and went and I was none the wiser. Even having my coworkers talk about their boyfriends no longer makes me jealous and indescribably upset.

For the last 2 weeks, I’ve noticed that I might be more approachable. When I’m out in public people will just randomly start talking to me when in the past it was more of an eep! Look away! escape! kind of vibe I would get from people. Especially with guys and older women. The guys, I’ve noticed smile at me extra and hold eye contact longer than they ever have before. I was in Target the other day looking at lights and this older lady suddenly looked at me and asked my opinion on lights. She disclosed that she usually brings her daughter, but it just so happened that she was alone that day. Of all the people milling around there, she pinpointed me, so I spent the next 10 minutes asking her what she’s looking for, going over options and making recommendations. Am I putting off an attractant aura again? Stronger than ever! I’m available! Mate with me! I need companionship! Maybe I’m feeling that much better again that I’m smiling without even realizing it. It’s like I’m in heat. lol.

Actually, as I look at the schedule of patients since we see most in 6 month intervals, this set of 6-monthers would have been my patient at my worst time this year, emotionally. I must have been fragile and in a bad mood. Eek.

I’ve finally buckled down and bought bigger pants. My scrub pants are way too tight. The thighs just don’t fit! This morning, I got on the scale because my insurance was asking me information and I got a major surprise. GOOD GRAVY I weigh more than I have ever weighed in my life. I weigh 181 pounds. WOWZA. I realize that some of that is muscle, but some of it truly is fat. My midsection is about 1.5 – 2.0 inches over my pants. Yes, I’m working on it, though. Now that I’m less depressed, I’m going to be trying to keep up with the cardio workouts again. In my own defense, though, my muscles have been growing tremendously of late. I have a nightshirt that I’ve been wearing for YEARS. It used to be my mom’s. I wore it this week and there is no way it fits well anymore. The shortsleeve arms get stuck around my biceps, the shoulders are tight and the buttons in the front look about to pop open. What happened? Most of my clothes are like that now. I’ve had to get bigger bras because my ribcage/torso it too big (cupsize is the same lol). I swear that’s why my thighs no longer fit well in my pants, but I really do need to lose some excess fat.

Maybe I should become a body builder. Haha.

Man, this trying to sleep after 11pm thing is so hard for me.

Tuesday once more.

It is the first full week of December. There are 3 weekends left until Christmas which is on a Monday this year. I feel a unique and distinct push to get everything done and quickly. Why haven’t I felt like this before? This is the first year I feel very rushed and for no apparent reason. Last year I was ON IT. Cards were ordered early on in November, gifts were bought and wrapped by the first or second week, lights placed quickly. This year I literally just took down our Thanksgiving flag and have been thinking about the lights. Haven’t even thought much about presents. There have been errands on the to-do list I’d been tackling. Thankfully, I’ve crossed quite a bit off the list now and I think it’s safe to say that I only need to do presents and send off the cards. Oh and the outdoor decorations too. This year we’ve all decided to not buy many things for each other. I’m going to try hard to make that a reality for realz. I’ve bought many very big ticket items that are not for Christmas (or I could say it is) already.

This past weekend it was all about pushing for those portraits to finally choose and place the card orders. To do that, the dogs absolutely hated me, I got to use the photography setup I’d bought (one of those big ticket things), and then I spent the rest of that Sunday on the computer using Corel Photo and paint suite Pro X9 to manipulate the green screen. I learned about some features on there! Neato stuff. Going to need a few more neutral backdrops for the future, though. Can’t always be green-screening it. That was pretty much the highlight of the weekend. Wandered out to look for lights and wreathes finally, but of course all the multicolored rope lights I wanted were all gone because everything is on sale. Friday night saw me switching my phone out again. I held my LG G6 the longest of all the phones I’ve had, I’m thinking. I’d thought about switching out for the Moto Force z2, but the LG V30 was so superior in everyway (and yes, in price too…) I ended up with the latest LG phone. I’ve had the G4, G5, V20, G6, and now the V30. They are wonderful phones and I love them all. Generally, I don’t like being a fangirl or brand-loyal because I believe it breeds partiality which I wish to avoid like the plague (on the whole, that is), but there is a reason I’ve stayed with LG. Just like, in my reasoning, there’s a reason things are cliché.

Saturday…………………………….actually I can’t really remember what happened on Saturday. I raked leaves, but that could have been Sunday morning. OH! I remember now. Saturday saw the delivery of the new washer and dryer we bought. It came 2 hours earlier than expected, and it’s a good thing I decided to listen to my gut and clear out the utility room and path to the backdoor and entrance landing and yes I DID rake the leaves and trim the roses all earlier instead of later. LISTENING TO THE GUT. Hella important.  Really. Then I spent the rest of the afternoon playing video games. That’s why I couldn’t go anywhere on Saturday, because normally I would’ve gone out to buy wreathes and garland and set up the lights. There’s a cold snap coming through, so this past weekend was the last time for a week or two that it would be warmish.

My brother and I have been playing 7 Days to Die on the Xbox One X.

I guess no one else wants portraits of themselves, so I should take down the green screen. The softbox and the umbrella lights are cool.

I’ve had this low grade stomach-ache for like 2 weeks now. I hope it goes away. I also hope that the drama at work on Friday is gone now. Ugh.

Friday Again

This week went by very quickly! Not complaining about it, though. I’m planning ahead to the last week this month when I’ll spend some time at my place to get it ready to sell. I’d love to keep it around longer for the sake of my dogs and having my weekend home back, but I don’t want to deal with having the lawn and everything again. I have to get in touch with my realtor again, but let me enjoy the home for a bit and finish up what needs to be done. I look forward to what the future holds for me. The next step forward to my own place up here. I’ve been trying to hold out for my grandparent’s house, but I don’t think that’s going to happen soon, so I’ll just work and live so I can by up my own place around here. The only major problem I have with selling is Liana. And Gable, really. That yard is her paradise. It melts my heart every time to see that all she wants is to go out there and nap in the grass or run around…and that in turn hurts my heart too when I remember I’m trying to sell it. What am I going to do then, after? Visit my grandparents a lot? I’m afraid that it’s going to force my hand in buying a house prematurely up here merely because of her. I very much do not want to get stuck in a split mortgage problem with my mom just so we can have a yard. Tricky tricky…

I’ve noticed something at work recently: well, first off, 4 days in a row without Blabbermouth at work was just heavenly and we all forgot until yesterday. The inanity. The frustration. Anyways. I’ve noticed that during conversation, most women will give affirmation. It can be in the form of adding more to the conversation, or making affirming noises like, mmm, or ahh, or ohhh. Even body-wise like nodding of heads or expressive facial motions. Whether it is BRAINLESS AND IDIOTIC or even if they don’t care that much, they will still give polite indication that they’re listening or involved in the conversation. On the other hand, most men, will add to the conversation if there’s something to be added, but if they have nothing to add, they’ll just take it in and that’s it. Even their body language doesn’t hint at affirmation, even though they are, indeed, listening. This does not apply to all men or all women, but I’ve noticed this. It’s really, rather interesting, and the more I realize something, the more I see in on a regular basis.

Then…I feel guilty for rash emotions aimed at males for not paying attention or trying to care, but I do feel justified a bit, because hey, women need that kind of thing, you know? I may have male-like mannerisms at times, but I am still definitely a woman! Just like with dogs, even if you don’t know how or think you can, you can fake it. And, yes, relationship therapists have divulged that the single most important factor in predicting the outcome of a relationship is that “care.” In other words, even if you don’t care, pretend to care and it means the whole world to the partner as well as priming you to be more compassionate to their feelings, thoughts and ideas. A give and take, right? Men, make some sort of effort to be a more active listener, and at least add something to the conversation once. Women, understand that he might indeed be listening, just not responding in the way women are used to from another female….at least he’s listening some of the time.

Tomorrow the new washer and dryer comes and I have stuff I need to do like take pictures to get the cards started. More errands! When will I go to the mall? Maybe Sunday to get these Christmas purchases out of the way.

I don’t fit in my clothes

And it’s perplexing!

OK, so I did gain a few pounds in the last 6 months, but after some hardcore yardwork and random exercise sessions, I can actually squat and it’s not hard to bend over and then stand up anymore. However, in the last month to month and a half, my scrubs no longer fit well…in particular around the thigh area. In the last few months, I even had to increase my bra size around the torso, not the cup. You’re thinking, honey, you just need to lose a few pounds. Earlier in the year, I was raving about having lost enough weight to fit comfortably in my scrubs. While I agree that I do need to shed some overall fat layers, I argue that I’m not really that fat. Yes, there’s a paunch that definitely could stand to melt away, but if you poke my back and my thighs, they’re hard. I understand that fat can exist on top of muscle, but I’m convinced that much of my puffiness is muscle. My shoulders and arms are filling out my t-shirts again and I feel an overall sense of strength. If you poke my hips, you don’t go through a layer fat to hit bone (at the thinnest point, mind you), it’s right there. I’ve been asking around other, older women, to see if they went through this size change. I had to go out and buy a new jacket/coat because my old, trusty one I just got last year keeps riding up because it won’t fit around my hips. My scrub pants are having the same problem as well as my scrub tops. It’s TIGHT, to the point where I’m terrified I’m going to bust out of them in the middle of the day and have to bring a spare pair of pants just in case. Getting in and out of the car makes me feel like I’m made of wood and can’t bend. The pant legs fit around my calves and hips alright, it’s just getting stuck around my thighs. How is this all happening so suddenly? An age thing?

Or maybe I’m just fat and in denial like fat people generally are. On the plus side (haaaaa) I’ve noticed the male population taking more time to smile at me and being nice, and no one (not even one instance) who sees me walking around has confused me for a man. It’s true that a more curvy (read: fertile and childbearing-equipped) body is highly and evolutionarily attractive to males .

Well, whatever, it doesn’t change the fact that I need to buy new scrub pants and even my jeans/home pants. No more money spending guhhh. I need to save for Christmas presents (running out of time there) and my car service in the new year (I actually should do it now, but I’m trying to push it out as far as possible). A new battery is already required now. Just Dance and DDR need to be a thing now…just I kind of gave up again until the new year. hahahaha.

I spent about 3K this weekend. GOOD STUFF. Because I HAVE THAT MUCH MONEY WUT. Says my heart. My brain says, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Waiting

Sitting here, waiting for my 15-20 minutes to be up for the whitening. I really wouldn’t recommend this system to anyone. It’s pretty awful, especially when the Crest Whitestrips are much easier and much more effective. Then again, I am using a box that is at least 3 years old, so I’d bet (hope, really) that the new trays are of better quality. After a quick search of their uninformative site, it appears that the tray technology is better, but I have no certainty. No matter what, it definitely is true whitening agent because despite being expired, it makes my teeth throb like unexpired ones. Guh.

Welp. Tomorrow is back to work. My break is over for now. Nagging in the back of my mind, is the whole insurance thing (gonna give it a few days), and money in general. We got our first real tree today! It’s a small, tabletop one, but our first, EVER, real tree! I’m a little excited. I never wanted one because of allergies and how it’s such a waste after the holiday, but because I’ve been downsizing and consolidating and purging  excess belongings and materials, it’s nice to not have to worry about where I’m going to store it. Plus, it smells nice. We shall see.

The whole purging idea is really nice and it feels good. Thinking about it, I’m a little sad getting older and not wanting stuff anymore. It is depressing to me a smidge that this year I find that I really don’t want anything. In fact, I almost don’t want to buy anyone anything either since no one actually needs anything. While the thought process is a good one, it makes me feel negatively because I can’t make myself get into the holiday mood. I am always in the holiday mood, every year. Thanksgiving was hard enough. I wonder…is it…? Sigh. I bet it is. There’s something missing, something sad for me. Gotta try and shake it off, though. Everyone else seems to be really into the Christmas spirit this year! In my neighborhood, I mean. Last year, pretty much no one put up lights or anything, but golly, gee, lights are up everywhere! Already! Trees in windows! Decorations! It puts a smile on my face to see people into it this early in, even if I can’t get my act together.

…I guess I have been pretty negative lately. I can’t help it. This time of the year reminds me of him, especially now, because this time 2 years ago we were madly in love with each other and I was the happiest I’ve ever been in my life–people-relationship-wise. I have no one to buy things for anymore and buying myself things isn’t making me as happy as it used to.

Time to spit this thing out and get to bed!

Grrrraaaahhh

I just finished health insurance shopping and how horribly frustrating! Not many health insurance companies are offering individual anymore and the ones that are force you to go through an agent company. I already miss my Aetna plan. What a great insurance. Gave me money all the time. Worst part? I don’t even know if the money I paid even work.

omgggg it’s 4pm??? I spent the last 3 hours doing this. WTF. And stupid medical offices are all going direct primary care which makes all of this even more frustrating because why pay for mandatory health insurance when I already have to pay 1200 dollars a year extra for a physical exam that nothing will be found on me.

This weekend has been ridiculously productive though. I’ve been off since Thanksgiving, so about 5 days off? It’s flown by. Thanksgiving itself was pretty nice, nothing super amazing, but the first Thanksgiving for my nephew. Then I had a myriad of errands and chores I needed to do and have been meaning to do. Replaced the rug, cleaned out my closets, consolidated belongings, set up the photography unit, finished up the yardwork project, planted bulbs, moved the extra bed to the basement, consolidated the basement. Body aches and pains later, I feel good. Health insurance addressed. The only things I didn’t get around to was raking (forgot to do it this morning after the dog walk) and taking the pictures for the Christmas cards this year.

Money? What money? With the insurances, and other purchases, I got nothing. And those aren’t even Christmas presents! Bought a new washer and dryer for Black Friday. I am POOR again.

In other news, the sister situation is good! They’re closing on a house on Wed. Whoo! Unfortunately, though, it means that I need to pay for those utilities again. Another 200 bucks, but still, that’s $200.

I’m tired now.