My love, a poem

My love for you will ne’er wane
Though we are split in twain
I told you that in our first days
And I always mean what I say.
Even now, a month apart
You still reside in my heart
The pain and torment persists
Though our break was my wish

I guess we were ne’er meant to be
In the eyes of the backwards see
The details, the nuances, the little bits
I’d always seen but refused to admit
But I remember our joyous times
The felicity when you were mine
Memories that from me won’t escape
Cherished and kept lest creeps in hate.

I wish you happiness in all you do
That’s all I ever wanted for you
Because you deserve it, you do, really
I want to help, if I can, in any capacity
Maybe one day I can defeat resentment
And just focus on my own contentment
But for now I’ll focus on the positive
Beatitude and peace, my prerogative.

FRIDAY!

And I still have my girl. Yesterday was the first day I stopped giving her meds altogether. That’s about 7 days post initial emergency. He spirit is good, her temperament is back to normal and the lucidity of her mind is natural. She is still mostly careful, so I’m assuming it aches/hurts. When she stretches the front legs now she does it very carefully, and going up a long flight of stairs takes some thinking. I’m glad for that. Her realism is heartening…though I know I have to keep an eye on things because she does get excited and then forgets.

Was talking to my brother last night as my mom worked night and will do so again tonight. I enjoy the nights she’s not here because it gives me some semblance of living on my own, plus working out actually happens. Unfortunately, though, he’s gotten into this annoying habit in the recent months of being a pain to talk to in the sense that he’s become very outspoken and won’t let anyone talk but himself. While his tune has changed from extremely naïve to just being inexperienced in life events, he still hasn’t experienced anything in life. He tries to make up for it by learning concepts, but rarely in life does anything work out ideally. And damn can he talk now! I mean, I’ll take that over what he came from, the depressed, surly sheeple person, but good gravy. Wanting to talk and being over-enthusiastic about joining in conversation is a tiresome mix. Wearying, that’s what it is. Drains you. Add that to wanting  to do something but afraid or unwilling to try, and it just turns into this obnoxious and futile conversation playout.

Today is M’s birthday. I sent him a card with a wind-up butterfly that will “fly” out of the card the instant you open it. I put a rather generic yet personal message in it like I would for my sister or brother, and signed it my first name since he never could bring himself to call me the name I wanted him to. He texted me on Wed to say he almost had a heart attack which made me happy to hear that it worked. I can’t help but remember his birthday last year where they invited me to come as a surprise and I was busy working on my vanity at home. I unfollowed him for a little on Facebook the other day because every time he posts anything there it’s, well, painful for me to read. He just seems so much happier and lighter now and it irritates and hurts me at the same time. I guess, being with me weighed him down so much and now without me his life is more enjoyable. I figured that by not seeing the posts I wouldn’t feel so bad, but I realize I still need to know how he’s doing. Maybe one day I’ll be able to see them without feeling anything but neutral like my other friends. I noticed, though, that he stopped posting anything about his car ever since I said it as a jab when we broke up. His friends also didn’t care much for the posts either, but I still hold much contempt for his car. That’s really what pushed me over the edge to break up with him. It might be petty, but I can’t help but resent it. I tried so hard to be happy for him finally getting a car for himself and a car he used to love so much too, plus being able to do things for it like a project to keep him occupied given how much he likes cars, but I still can’t. He posted so many pictures of it, spent so much time cleaning it, making it nice, buying all sorts of things for it, taking care of it…and yet never posted more than one picture of me (that I can remember, and from behind too), and never spent much time other than the very beginning trying to take care of me. No, I can’t be OK with that car. It stood for everything that was wrong with us, and not just because guys love their cars either because I can understand that. Just like having another girl on the side.

I was held hostage in the bathtub today by a million legger. Lots of bugs in the house this year! Going to have to clean and declutter soon, methinks…

Baby Girl Update

My arrival at home was heralded by my babies at the steps as usual, but my girl barked and woowoo’d at me which she has been unable to do with her neck problem. It always melted my heart to hear her happy to see me, but it is even more special now.  She was extremely excited and we went out on the walk. I told her to slow down because we don’t have to move so quickly. Gable even cut in front of me (he doesn’t do that because he’s not allowed to) to sniff at her, almost like warning her to calm down. She was so happy, though, no doubt because she felt normal again (medicine yesterday morning). Then tragedy strikes and not soon thereafter she yells and cries because her leg hurts. I rubbed her leg, but her face…her adorable little face…and she limps for the rest of the walk, her spirits crushed. We get back inside and usually they’re happy and hot so they lay there panting while Gable tends to want to play with toys, but she lies on her side right away and stays like that for the next 2 hours. Morose. Depressed. My heart ached at seeing that.

This is exactly what I was afraid of. That we give her the feeling like she’s all better, except she’s not and in all reality never will be the same again. I keep explaining to everyone that she’s just like me and that we’re all or nothing creatures; what’s the point of living when you have to hold back? This is a true spinal ailment.

And this morning she was very slow. Very slow. Plus her foot would drag on the sidewalk every so often.

Man. I hope she’s not giving up on life again…but then again, isn’t that her choice? I understand that, but others really don’t. I don’t want to prolong her life for my own selfish reasons if she doesn’t want to.

I’m going to try and let her go a day without medications.

Online translators

I’m testing a couple translators using the lyrics to one of the songs that has been hitting close to home for me. It’s a portion of a song called Den Khi Nao Voi and sung by Mai Tien Dung. Very interesting results. Sooo, here we go.

Excerpt:

Biết yêu anh là sai sai sai sai sai
Biết yêu anh là đau đau đau đớn hoài
Muốn ôm anh thật lâu
Chẳng muốn xa rời đâu
Phải làm sao để ta được như lúc đầu

Biết đến khi nào vơi vơi vơi anh ơi
Biết đến khi nào thôi thôi thôi nhớ người
Vẫn nơi đây chờ anh
Nhớ mong anh từng đêm
Từng ngày qua con tim càng đau nhói thêm

Mỏi mòn…

Microsoft translate:

Know the love you are wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong
I know love is pain pain pain hoài
want to hug you so long
not far left where he should be
as the first known

when it would engage with the unfortunate with guys know
when okay Let’s remember who’s
still here waiting for you
to remember each day
the heart as a sharp pain more

Tired worn …

Google translate:

I love you is wrong wrong
Knowing you love is painful pain forever
Want to hold him for a long time
Do not want to be far away
How can we be like in the beginning

Know when to go with me
Know when to stop remembering people
Still here waiting for you
Remember me every night
Every day my heart aches more

Languishing…

Freetranslation.com (SDL*) had to do a survey first…

Love you is wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong
know love you is pain pain pain caused
want to hold you a long time
does not want apart from where
to do to get as at first

known when empty empty empty honey
know until it okay remember
people are still here waiting for you
remember expect you every night
every day through the heart as a pain in extra

hard…

So it looks like the big ones are Google, Microsoft and PROMPT, but the last one does not support Vietnamese. As you can piece together the amongst the three translations here the gist of the song, honestly I think the last one is probably the closest and the Microsoft one is the furthest from the mark. Google tries to make the translation make sense to the reader and Microsoft tries to do that to, but ends up making up a passage that strays from the gist of the piece. The SDL one seems to be the most literal and for me the most useful in general, especially given that it actually repeats the words like the original repeats it. I love the more literal translations of things.

Still, for someone who doesn’t know what the original passage is saying, you’d need all three to get a good idea of what’s going on. Vietnamese is an interesting language.

Tonsil Stones

Sometimes I wonder wth happened last night when I wake up and see my bed a disaster. This was the case this morning. Blankets and sheets and pillows were in different locations around the room and no dogs in sight. I also felt extremely tired and rested at the same time. Usually it’s easy to wake up for me which is why I don’t need to set my alarm much anymore. It was hard to keep my eyes open for the walk this morning, a strange gooey film was messing with my eyes, and yet I feel like I slept better last night than I have for a week. Fighting something again, I’m sure. Dreams were interesting to say the least…had me running/hiding from something while trying to go about my mission.

Well. I am tired. Really tired right now. This does not bode well for work today.

Speaking of work, it was day 1 back in yesterday and I managed better than I thought I would. My coworkers asked, of course, but I just skirted the subject with my patients.

Man, I’m not someone who internalized her feelings and emotions and need to push it out of myself, but in the wake of all that’s happened this year, I need to keep some inside because otherwise I’ll break down.

I have had about 3 or so mosquito bites this year so far, and it’s hard not to get them because Liana walks slowly now. I’ve been watching her on stairs on walks and stretchies and stuff…she’s careful, very careful. Tough girl, resourceful girl. My warrior dog.

Having spent 5-6 days isolated in the house (the dogs actually stood at the window to watch me leave yesterday), throwing myself back into commuting reminds me yet again of how I have to adopt a persona in order to drive around here. At my core I am not that impatient, aggressive, easy-to-anger driver, it’s just necessary for me to be that way in order to survive up here. It’s a car cut car world in nova, if you feel or act vulnerable or nice, everyone takes advantage right away. This was the case, a good reminder, just 5 minutes into my commute, not even 2 miles from my house.

The thought occurred to me that without M now, not much is keeping me in this area. My grandparents and my mom and my job are, of course, but a new job can be found, and my grandparents eventually (thought morbid to think about) will pass away. My mom at that point isn’t held by much then except my sister (if they’ll ever move from my house…). We are not close at all to my mom’s siblings, so that won’t be a major change or significant tie here. I have no real friends here either except one, but even if she lives like 7 minutes from me I doubt we’ll see each other too terribly often. However, it’s just a thought…there are so many opportunities up here for me, for us, and honestly I do not wish to be around my dad at all. When we went back to visit, I realized that it was a life I left behind, no matter the good points, there are now new bad points, having experienced another living area.

Hah.

Life is just a waiting game right now. I have no power to do anything to make it move. It’s not fair, but what do I do? The more I complain, the more drama pops up to make me less bored, so maybe it’s better to just let it be and go about other things. Not that I can because I am in a financial rut. Again. No one can help me.

Hastiness: my downfall. Impatience: my weakness. The more years I live, the more I become convinced that escaping fate, while not impossible, is extremely difficult. Maybe all those movies and games were right. The Matrix, Tales of the Abyss…those posit that fate can be averted, but given the right hero and team. For a simple soul? Fate and death. You can cheat them for a little bit, but the paths still eventually come back around to the main path.

No amount of pre-knowledge makes it easier to deal with or avert the main future.

Off the F

Since last Wednesday I’ve been staying off Facebook. I’d check it every so often just for a few seconds in case something big happened, but I liked nothing, posted nothing. This was very strange for me given the inordinate amount of time I spend on Facebook (besides instagram where all I do is post pictures of my dogs it is my only social media) but I cut everything off in care of my girl. I didn’t want to see silly pictures of dogs or anything. 

Back on it today, my first 2 likes and first post in 6 days. I have to say that by cutting myself off of social media, I feel more alive and less anxiety in the way social media makes you…almost less ADD even. I mean, even if I was literally spending the majority of my time playing video games and jamming food down my gullet, I didn’t miss it. Really, I feel like my brain benefitted from distancing myself. I even finished detailing one of my RW posts. 

Despite all of this I’m sure once my spirits rise again, I’ll be back at it (work has a tendency to force me onto social media to pass time) but let me not forget what a vacation it was to be away.


Back To Work

I’m going back today…part of me doesn’t want to leave. Mostly, it’s because I have face people again. My coworkers, my patients who will certainly ask me about my dogs. It’s not like she’s dead, in fact she seems to be doing rather well. I did it again where I didn’t give her medication for the night…none this time. No yelping, no whining, nothing really. I did notice her slight limp when I woke up and she slowed way down the second half of the walk today, but her spirits are good and it could have been the humidity/heat.

The dread still hangs over me, creating a pallor on the days. It’s a major consolation to watch her roaching, melting off the bed, excitedly look at squirrels, rip up cardboard and try to bark/play with Gable. I know this injury won’t go away, though, and now (really after the 10 day follow up where I will further my financial death spiral) it’s mostly a waiting game. Waiting and cherishing her. Him too, honestly, because for all we know something’s going on with him that will suddenly wish to rear its head too. This is what happened, isn’t it? So focused on being alert with him that I didn’t even notice her.

Looking back on last Wednesday when this all went down, I was focusing on trying to get a temp into our office because I knew something was wrong and she needed to go see the vet. I was trying to entertain all the possibilities and stone myself for the worst. When my mom called me and sent me those pictures, I had to stay strong for those 2 patients, but it didn’t work all that well, and GOD, my heart…I thought my heart was going to stop. There was a sharp and then very dull, continual ache exactly where my heart is, but I was adamant that I wouldn’t get a heart attack before I got home to my baby girl.

Then looking further back and stepping out a little, the stress my heart has endured this year has been so much more than any other year of my life. Even the divorce and running away. I guess I should even include last September with Tristan. So yeah, it has been a year, because right around September was also when I started having major relationship trouble.

I think…I think all of this has changed me. I noticed that when I see my patients now, I’m not as happy, and I know they’ve noticed. I don’t care as much, I don’t talk as much, whereas before it was happy talking about anything and everything, whether it was dogs or not. Idiot doesn’t help either. Now I’m just a depressive lump.

I dunno. I just feel weary. I’m 30 years old. Only 30. I’m tired. I’m somewhat depressed. I’m stuck. All of these things together make up life, I realize that. Maybe I’m not as adaptable or as strong as I always thought I was. Or maybe I’m just less strong now. Taking punches from all sides. I wonder if it was just one big event to focus on, if it would be easier to take. It’s like an acid attack on your teeth…doesn’t matter it’s always a 24 minute window with each attack. Once I got hit last August-ish, it will wane, then WHAM, wane again, BOOM, wane some more, etc. Very short respites of true happiness and plunging right back in to the fray.

Maybe this is why I feel I need someone to share all of this with. That it’s too much for me. You get to a certain age and then you no longer can be independent? Is that it? Life events like tragedy all hit people around a certain time in their life, so I know I’m not special in this, but I’ve never had the feeling like I need someone else to be my strength for me. I always did it myself and had no problem with it. In fact, I was very proud of needing no one but myself. This brain must understand this hence the strong desire to find a mate, and my heart is just silly. Not only can it not let itself go again, yet, but it still holds the dreamer idealism that is core to me.

I guess, I can’t escape nature. Companionship, partnership, reliance. Who knew they were so important? I never did.