I’m all alone, there’s no one here beside me

…literally.

I am home…alone! No dogs either, just me. The people, I’m not concerned about, but the dogs…if I didn’t have the dog beds and dog toys lying around, I’d be okay, but empty dog beds are very depressing. I miss their furry little bodies there. Especially Gable. So what did I do? Flop on the couch. Turn on the TV. Pick up the phone. Forced myself off the couch in search of foods which I’d already planned and bought at work. Heated it up, ate a little and then threw it all away because DAMN it smelled like seafood. Guh. Waste of money. Instead, I ate Green Giant niblet corn, rainbow sherbet, and deli meat. Woohoo! More phone excitement while trying to stay awake, some messenger conversation, made myself stay up until 9:30, checked all the door, inserted the 3 set of whitening trays and here I am. This house is pretty big for one person. I could do it though.

Realllllllyyyy glad I refused to drive down tonight, because driving home from work was bad enough…and I even left early. I kept nodding off and had to break out the chocolate in a valiant effort to keep myself awake. That and getting mad at people…it works, you know? A moderate mad, like frustration and focus. Even then I couldn’t keep it up…geez. Lack of sleep really does that. I’ll sleep after this and then get up early tomorrow to go down in an effort to beat all the traffic. Dunno what I’m gonna do down there while everyone sleeps, but there you go. Another reason I don’t want to be down there.

My coworker was telling me how her boyfriend was getting a new car again. He leases cars so he keeps getting new ones as the leases are up, but he’s always choosing cars that I, myself, find annoying. Normally, I could care less because why should I? It has no bearing on me. The car he has now is a BMW something or another. Now he has a WRX. And for whatever reason he’s always insisting my coworker drive them. BMW and WRX are completely different cars. He also insists on manual, which for someone like him who works from home is fine, but around here a manual car is just ridiculous. Bottom line is that when she told me about it, the news made me irrationally angry and annoyed. I think she noticed. Why? A couple reasons: one, I’m PMSing which means everything makes me overreact. Two, I hate unsettled people and on top of unsettled people, I hate impractical people. To me, especially, in a mate (in this case, my co-worker who wants to spend her life with this guy), someone like this who likes thrill things like new cars, fast cars, expensive things for cars, always changing up cars, is not settle-down material. Rational thinking tells me that whatever, he doesn’t even have to pay for a house right now, so he’s entitled to enjoying his money, but my brain (the same one that gets and has gotten me in trouble relationship-wise) says red alert, flag time. Third, this is the exact same problem I had with ex. Why in the world I keep looking for hidden messages in people’s actions based around cars, but why the HELL do these men (even my brother) care so much about these stupid cars. I know a bit about cars myself, but after thinking about things in the way I do, they are, in the end, a mode of transport. Why people place such importance on them is beyond me, whether it be status, or performance. I mean, status? Performance? Pfft. I’d rather spend it one something else than worry about scuffs on my super expensive car that I don’t ever and will never be able to use to the fullest extent of its performance power because that would be driving-with-intent-to-kill. Why? Because they have nothing else to worry about. Not my brother, not my co-worker’s boyfriend, and not my ex (at least of what I knew of him). None of them own a house or have much other responsibility.

I guess I ascribe it to irresponsibility. That must be why I get upset. With ex-M his ultimate decision to choose that old WRX over something more practical especially for his line of work or even a newer one (he had used to have that same model and year and basically regretted selling it and wanted it again, even boasting to me that the prior owner was facing pressure to sell it from his wife because of their kids…something he criticized about females) was the nail in the coffin for me. It was impractical, and old, meaning more money and work being thrown into it. Manual which is, as I said, terrible for sitting in traffic in this area, and it was a solid signal from him that he was not interested in the least about a future or a family or anything. That’s not meant to be a passenger car. I tried to be supportive as it would be a project for him again…I mean, just because I don’t like something doesn’t mean you have to dislike it too…but the attention, the care, that he gave the vehicle, the non-living hunk of metal, was so lacking in our relationship between people. He cared more for that non-human than he cared for anything that breathed air: me, animals, his patients, his own family. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand for that again after growing up with my dad. Then again, in retrospect, I guess I was attracted to him because he was just like my dad in so many ways. Stupid Freud.

I. Can’t. Stand. Irresponsibility. Immaturity. Which means I’m out of luck because that is apparently the definition of being male.

Then again, it might all be just my own jealousy thrown in there too. Nah. That might be part of it, but that’s not only it. My co-worker really seems to adore her bf and he seems to adore her too, but I’m afraid she just wants too much for things to work. I disagree with some of the things he thinks and believes in. I’ve never talked to him much, but I have some reservations when I see him and send my feelers out. There’s…something. It feels similar to my brother in law. Bah. I need to get over myself. It’s not my life, and I need to stop being so negative about people I don’t know well. It’s just that I care tremendously about what happens to the people I love.

This is exactly why it’s so hard for me to find someone. I’m too complex, too intricate, too…much. Too intense, too many expectations, too stubborn, too…liberal? too thinky. Is there someone out there whose brain is as encompassing as mine? It’s a different way of thinking, broader, intuitive and yet emotional with silly thrown in there for fun. People get offended sometimes and even others don’t understand it. I’m not your common girl. Really. Truly. An emotional robot, if you will. I don’t think I will, because all of those guys are taken. Oh well. Dogs forever!

I think it right that I threw that food away. I swear there’s shrimp in there somewhere. I’m itchy all over now.

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Working today

Both WordPress, and me physically going to work, I mean.

Man I don’t want to go in. I stayed up until like 1am because I apparently am all excited about Thanksgiving. I don’t get excited anymore…or maybe I do, but I block it out of my consciousness? Well, the result is that I am super sleepy still. Almost didn’t get up. I hope it doesn’t effect my driving too much. I have tons of kids today too. Guh.

Remember when I kept saying how convinced I was that I had a twin that died before I was born? My mom and I were discussing that again last night. She shed a little more insight on it. She said that she clearly remembered being on the table and that after I was born, the doctor was standing there (he was a small man), and suddenly rushed over and held out his hands to catch a big thing that came out. My mom had always thought it was just the after-birth/placenta, but she remembered that he held his hands about a foot apart and mouth agape. That’s when she went cold from the feet up and they called a code blue because she probably died for a bit. She then recounted that the nurse told her that in the years she worked as a nurse doing that, she had never seen a doctor bring flowers to a mom before. Remember they never told her what happened when she asked, just the nurse there looked at the chart and shook her head sadly before walking away. All the clues point to the same conclusion. Not to mention that mention of a possible second heartbeat at around (as my mom estimates) 3 months. In between 3 and 6 months, is probably when my twin died. And both my mom and I agree that it was a boy. I am absolutely certain it was not another girl. She feels similarly. Maybe that explains why I kept moving around in the womb so much (to get away from zombie sibling?) and why I screamed so earsplittingly loudly as soon as my head was out of the birth canal. I’ve always felt like there was something or someone missing in this world. Just like I like twins because I always felt some sort of a connection to them. My mom said she has to think about whether or not she wants to give a name to my dead brother.

A song to recognize

About 6 months ago around this time, I broke up with my boyfriend. In many ways I can’t believe it has only been 6 months and yet in others it felt like it was ages ago. There is still pain, regret, sadness and a little resentment thrown in there. Okay, so maybe more than just a little. No matter what, there’s no taking it back and in truth, I’m glad for the whole experience. The nostalgia is real and wound, while healed is a sensitive scar. I think of him less often than before, but I can’t help but be reminded of him in day to day life: the sound of sirens, walking through my home, taking my dogs around the neighborhood, etc. Just yesterday I became overly emotional while on the couch by myself and a commercial came one where if he’d been there he would have made fun of it in such a way and I would laugh and hug him. I miss those magical arms of his and wrapping mine around his body. I remembered that this time last year, I stayed overnight at his place.

I doubt he thinks of me and if he does it’s probably with spite and horrible resentment. I do hope things are going well for him and he found someone else who has the patience he needs.

Anyways. In honor of our 6-month breakup, I dedicate this song to him. It perfectly sums up my feelings at the very end of our relationship.

You Don’t See Me

(as seen in “Josie and the Pussycats”)

This is the place where I sit
This is the part where
I love you too much
Is this as hard as it gets?
‘Cause I’m getting tired
Of pretending I’m tough
I’m here if you want me
I’m yours, you can hold me
I’m empty and aching and
Tumbling and breakin’
‘Cause you don’t see me
And you don’t need me
And you don’t love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could

I dream of worlds
Where you’d understand
And I dream a
Million sleepless nights
I dream of fire when
You’re touching my hand
But it twists into smoke
When I turn on the light
I’m speechless and faded
It’s too complicated
Is this how the book ends,
Nothing but good friends?

‘Cause you don’t see me
And you don’t need me
And you don’t love me
The way I wish you would

This is the place in my heart
This is the place where
I’m falling apart
Isn’t this just where we met?
And is this the last chance
That I’ll ever get?
I wish I was lonely
Instead of just only
Crystal and see-through
And not enough to you

‘Cause you don’t see me
And you don’t need me
And you don’t love me
The way I wish you would

‘Cause you don’t see me
And you don’t need me
And you don’t love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could

Monday again

And once more, I’m working, but this time it’s a normal Monday becaaaaauuuseee…..THANKSGIVING IS ON THURSDAY. My favorite holiday during my favorite time of the year! Whoooo!! After talking to my patients for years on this, I finally realized that more people than I ever imagined actually greatly dislike this holiday. Mostly women. Mom types of women. Then again, I think more people than not dislike the major holidays altogether. Then I was even more appalled to know that my mom admits to disliking Thanksgiving. I assume it has something to do with being the sole maker of foods on a tight schedule, then cleanup, etc. So I told her that she doesn’t have to be the only one who does things and it’s like she never really thought about it. Whatever. It’s still my favorite, even as I got older and have more to do in the kitchen. Although…this year is a bit different and possibly more drama-filled. And likely the very last time I will ever be able to utilize my own amazing kitchen to its full extent.

I had Friday through yesterday off and spent Friday (I had allllll these plans and errands and chores that needed to be done) morning outside trying to finish up the whole thing I was trying to fix in the backyard. It occurred to me afterwards that the HOA is going to throw a fit once they lay eyes on it. Oh well. Why do they care so much about a private backyard, anyways? Boggles the mind. That’s not what an HOA is supposed to stand for, excuse you.  Well, let’s just say that yardwork like that, which is one of the mainstays of my existence, has not been accomplished by me in months on end…therefore I spent the rest of the weekend hobbling around slowly and in great muscle pain. I felt lightheaded afterwards, but filled with an endorphin rush. Today, 3 days later, there is lingering but minor pain (all lower body), but I can walk and even my upper body feels stronger. The rest of the weekend saw other chores being done, like moving the extra bed into the basement for a daybed, organizing the basement, cleaning out excess materials in my closet so that I have more room to store more things, paying bills, then playing video games. Still have another closet to clean out and probably will end up moving my bed back to the other room. The whole idea behind moving the extra bed away is because I ended up splurging on that photography lighting and backdrop kit I’ve been wanting for years, just more important to me now because my dogs are not getting younger and I’d like a decent photo of them before they’re not around anymore–one without clutter all over the background, etc. And then I can take vain photos of myself too. Bwahaha.

I don’t think I’ve ever met another person (aside from probably my dad) who has the same unbearable muscle pain I get after doing strenuous activity. A couple concerns pop up like rhabdomyolysis, fibromyalgia, other muscular problems, but in the end I think it’s just plain old pain. You might say, maybe you’re just a pain-wimp, but I beg to differ because I actually like pain. I’m thinking it’s more like my body does a terrible job of mopping up lactic acid, or slow wound healing response (like my bruises too), or maybe my muscle fibers expand too quickly and it results in pain as the body is not prepared for it yet, especially since it really only is painful when I try to contract the growing muscles. HULK MUSCLES. MUSCLE GROW, MUSCLE CAUSE PAAAAIIIN. No matter what it is, I’m effectively debilitated for several days. Let’s not mention that whole mountain incident thing. Then after the pain, then I really do feel like Hulk because my body’s all muscled up. If I was born a man, I’d probably be a muscle dude. Body builder. Crossfit Bro.

D’oh! Out of time.

Flabbbb

I’ve been wondering not only why my pants aren’t fitting properly, but why I’m having some trouble getting up from sitting or whatnot as well as having some trouble catching my breath.

Then I was moving stuff and plants around and then lying on the couch when I realize that I officially have a pooch again. Good gracious. I’m having trouble getting up because when I bend my body to stand, the massive amount of fat on my stomach prevents me from attaining the proper orientation to stand up.

I’ve been saying over and over that I’m not fat, just getting bigger like its just a part of life because if you touch my thighs or back flab they’re firm, but fat can be firm and strength muscle can exist under a layer of fat.

I am doomed. With Thanksgiving and Christmas looming, I’m tempted to just give up until the New Year. The first half of the year was sooo goood but then again I had someone to look good and be healthy for then. Ever since that went out the window, I’ve really let myself go. Cookies. Candy. Ice cream. Doughnuts. More cookies.

It’s amazing how the extra tummy fat impedes my breathing, though. Some of it might truly be allergies but maybe when it pushes on my diaphragm….Man, I really don’t want to have to buy all new scrub pants or jeans or any of it. Focus! Discipline!

Monday Working

Bluh. Just bluh. I guess the anxiety of remembering to wake up on a Monday had gotten to me, but I was WIDE awake at 2:00am thinking it was at least 6:00am. Which meeeeans that I spent the rest of the morning sleep-waking-sleep-waking in anticipation. I don’t set my alarm anymore because my body wakes up when it knows it’s supposed to wake up (unless it’s for a 7am call). Plus, these days with DST being over, the sun is up before I’m supposed to wake up which is nice because my body is up with the light and down with the light.

Now, the whole day is going to be like that because my brain is working before reality. Great.

Gamer Guy has been talking to me a lot on Messenger. I’m still not interested. I wonder if he thinks that I’m his only shot left for a relationship which is why he’s been so tenacious. I mean, I was in a relationship for about 2 years, 1.5 years officially and he was probably one of the longest and first guys I communicated with. I think…I HOPE…I’ve been treating him just like a friend, because that’s my goal. He’s messaging me right now.

Gable is suspicious because I’m not usually up this early and doing the weekday schedule on a Monday…and when I am…that means…I’m leaving.

This time of the year is really my favorite. Good memories, and there’s a bit of a calm before the storm. It seems to peaceful.