Day After THE DREAD

So, I am very glad I went. Analyzing everything to death as usual, defenses up everywhere, all of it working to cushion any blows I might receive…and I didn’t need any of it.

My sister and I showed up within 5 minutes of each other (me first) and soon thereafter my cousin showed up. We were a flurry of excitement, though that was mostly my cousin. I thought was intense. LOL. Maybe I’m more northern now than I thought after all. We yak yak yak for a bit, waiting for my other family, and when I finally saw them, I had it in my head how I was going to do it: greet them in order of importance as per our culture. Except that my aunt was practically running over to us before giving me a big hug and then I ran over to my grandma who I could tell was trying not to cry and honestly, I don’t know if I’ve ever hugged her before. Then my cousin who said she didn’t even know who I was when they first came up. Then we all went in and the chaos of sitting 3 little kids and situating everyone. The beginning was a bit awkward but then everyone eased into it. My cousin from TX was like nonstop excitement the entire time like a bee, my aunt and grandma were emotional, and I didn’t get to talk to my other cousin much because she was at the end of the table. They were all upset my brother didn’t come and asked about my mom and how they missed her. Everyone was as I remembered them. Just older. Except my cousin…for some reason I felt like she was using this weird high voice the whole time that I didn’t remember at all. Everyone except TX cousin was rather subdued. I was kind of bored and a little bit awkward because there wasn’t much to talk about since all of what is normally talked about is tied up in memories. Plus, I tend to be rather standoffish at first around new people because I like to take in information about everyone before making decisions. I’m not rude, but somewhat quiet. At first. There wasn’t much information to take in besides a great sadness and bottled up pasts where no one knew how far conversations should go.

My sister and I were pretty much drained by the time it was over. That’s my problem with get-togethers…I’m not much of an extrovert so I get exhausted after a while, especially with all of the different emotional states of everyone. Then I start thinking about what I’d rather be doing instead (usually sitting at home with my dogs). As usual, too, since I seem to be the only picture taker of any get together at all, I was trying to document things. You never know. My only regret is that I was so busy talking to my cousin that I missed taking pictures of my nephew being held by my grandma.

The best part is that I only got into one fit of road anger. Not road rage, just road anger.

When I got home, of course I spent the next half hour recharging by cuddling up with Liana. Man, let me tell you, those introvert comics are just right. Then later, I was busy filling my mom in who also felt sad.

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I’ve been dreading today

because today is the day I re-open that door I closed nearly 9 years ago. I’m going to meet up with my cousins, aunt and grandma for lunch. There’s a lot of anxiety going into it because of the past. I’ve long given up ruminating on the past or letting it interfere with my present and future, but today I’m going to face it again. It will be with new eyes, new experiences and  new mindsets. That being said, it’s nigh impossible to forget the past because, well, you shouldn’t, and like I learned recently at work, the body sure does NOT forget, no matter where your mind is right now. It’s deeply ingrained, fear is. You can tamp it down, bury it under the ground, prevent it from making a sound, but it’s always there, taunting and following you around. Haha. However, what makes us human and alive, is understanding that fear, and working around it, not allowing it to prevent you from living life.

I’m resolved to do it, despite the overwhelming desire to make an excuse and stay home, because not only do I not wish to allow this to come in between my relationships (family is family), but I do NOT wish to regret a meeting like this if something bad was to happen in the future and I never see my grandma alive again. This is a good chance, and possibly my only chance, to safely bridge that past drama, for people who had nothing to do with our personal battles. I can’t escape my blood no matter how far I run. I do not hate them. I only fear what the repercussions will be, and that slim chance that my dad shows up. But, even if he does, I’ll just leave. Simple as that.

I’m at peace with this decision and I’m allowing myself to be eager and excited to spread peace and iron out old wrinkles. I’m not a child anymore. I am a full-fledged adult. Successful in my opinion and happy. Happy all around, enjoying life.

Sadly, as I was busy working through my emotions yesterday (and planning responses to certain things), I was reminded of why I loathe my father so much. It made me dark and angry and so very glad he’s (mostly) out of our lives. I wish it was fully out, but it can’t be that way. I wish his fiancée the best of luck because people don’t change that quickly. It’s just another power trip for him. Maybe he’ll do it right this time.

That, then, reminds me of how catty and sneaky that family can be and that’s part of my misgivings about today. I haven’t had to be on my guard like that for such a long time. My skills are rusty. I’m sure it’s still there. I pull it out every so often at work to deal with patients. Hah. Yeah, that’s right. I deal with patients all day. I know how to deal with people. They can mean well, but then gossip behind your back. That guard needs to be up at all times and my best diplomacy skills drawn up and ready. The whole goal is to not have any of this come back on my mom.

I have an hour and a half before I leave to see them. The butterflies are in place already…both in excitement and anxiety. As I’ve learned over the years, whatever happens, will happen, and it’s up to me to react or maneuver the outcome. I have a tendency to analyze a situation to death in preparation for anything that could possibly go wrong.

Stop it. Stop iiiit.

Can’t shake that foreboding feeling, though. I’m gonna be drained for the rest of the day. And it looks like it’s going to rain too.

Also happening today is the ridiculous white nationalist crap in DC and on top of it all the counter protestors. I have to be careful how I drive before I end up dead. Geez.

Hmmmm I want to update RW, but what can I update with? Spent most of yesterday trying to type up the short stories because I still haven’t posted any of them on my writing blog. Must. Revise. Revise. REVISE.

Tomorrow marks the first day of break for me this week! Excited! I’m poor again! Trying sooo hard not to spend money, but that vacation killed that prospect. I wanted to bring my mom and possibly my nephew to Luray on Tuesday, but my mom is sick which is dashing all those plans. We’ll see. We’ll also see how the dealer responds. I made the mistake of asking around about the new Subaru Ascent and they’re strong-arming my email. Geez.

Wildlife sightings

Must be a wildlife day cuz I saw 2 interesting ones today. One was at work where I looked out the window and saw something flailing about. It was so large I ran out and wow that thing was big!!! Now I feel like I made to be bigger than it was but it certainly was not 1 or 2 inches. I was afraid to pick it up because it was so big I could see the pincers and each individual spike on its legs.

Pictuurrrrres

Then while walking the dog I was chased by other dog walkers and took a walk into the grass by the historical bunker and I see a glimpse of this animal that is not a squirrel. Definitely not a squirrel. In fact it looked a lot like an otter even though an otter shouldnt be able to survive there with no water. Long body, grayish brown (leaf color) fur, small snakelike head, no markings. I couldnt tell if there was a tail or not but it disappeared into the roots of a tree before I could get a better look. Sizewise it was similar to a cat but a big cat. Longer than a cat too. And of course I did not have my phone. Darnit!!

I would realllllly reallllly like to win the lottery right now please.

This debt thing is getting way out of hand. It’ll all be okay as soon as I sell the house, but when will that be? Paying for insurance I don’t use…what a dumb thing. I wish I didn’t have to do that. Man that would be thousands back in my pocket. THOUSANDS. That I could be paying things off with.

Or I could just go work more. Duh.

I’m still feeling that stress about dental school or not. I really don’t want to, but I’m starting to feel like if I don’t, then my future is shot altogether. Then again, if I do, my future is shot altogether. I like being able to come to work and just get through the day. I had my taste of dealing with the types of patients I don’t want to deal with as a dentist, being the end all. If my hygiene patient isn’t cooperating all I do, is hands up, let the dentist take care of it. The deflection is great. You know, it’s funny, I haven’t had to do local anesthesia for years. Yesterday I used a subgingival topical agent applicator and it is held and administered similar to one. I figure after all these years, I wouldn’t have that fear anymore, but it’s crazy how much memory there is to fear. I wasn’t consciously nervous, but the mere act of holding it like a syringe was making my hand shake uncontrollably. Not to mention the patient is horribly anxious but we both made each other nervous and it wasn’t until she pushed me away and freaked out which always makes me mad that caused me to buckle down and work my patient magic. The more I administered, the less nervousness I felt, but I had to get over my own anxiety to try and calm hers down. Then it’s freak out time afterwards and I was completely drained after that.

To be honest, it did make me feel like a dentist. Or at least gave me a taste of what it would be like. I’m already accused of being basically like one. I just keep worrying and thinking about it and it’s not the aftermath I’m too worried about, but it’s a consideration. Obviously I’d be an associate first to get money, but how could I put myself in a boss position and be responsible for retirement, insurance, liability, worker wellbeing, etc. It’s a lot to take in, and I wouldn’t want to be an associate forever. I just wouldn’t. I know it will take years to get a business started and regular patients while trying to avoid lawsuits and such. Man, I wouldn’t even be able to afford a hygienist at first. Do my own cleanings which is fine by me, of course, but man.

This decision and thought process is really starting weigh heavier and heavier upon me.

Still, the only thing I really REALLY want is to buy my own home here and live on my own for a little.

I hate this type of thinking and future planning. It’s the same type that plagued me when I was in a relationship: this nagging, always nagging feeling like I knew exactly what was going to happen and all I could do was worry, try to make the best of what I had, and try to fix it to prevent it. What’s the point of foresight when nothing can be done to fix it? No matter what I tried, it would make it worse, and I’d berate myself for acting too early in anticipation of it. Was it fate, or did my craziness cause it? Hindsight says it was fate because we just were not compatible. The times were good and fun, but it would never have worked out. I can’t shake the same feelings and premonitions, though. Ugh.

Please, lottery gods! I need munnies.

Brain Melt

My brain always feels like it’s melting when I scroll through my Facebook newsfeed for too long. Like it’s growing dimmer and dumber. Yes, I know it’s like passé to be still using Facebook, but I’ve been on it since way back when it was truly Facebook and I have lots of family to spy on on it. Lol.

My co-worker and I were discussing the few transsexual patients we have in our practice (all teenagers) and how fragile they are when it comes to using the right pronouns and such. It’s hard, though, because we’ve known them and have been seeing them since they were females, so it’s hard to wrap your brain around it. I have an acquaintance my age I grew up with who underwent the surgery a year ago or earlier this year and it really is hard to refer to them as “he” when all I can remember is the past when he was a “she.” I get that the teenage time is turbulent emotionally and psychologically, but I told her that well, we don’t know, we don’t have the same dilemma they have, so you can try to understand, but I don’t understand it all the way. Then, of course, that got us speculating how sexual reassignment surgery works altogether. I couldn’t think of anything useful and, so, given my nature, I spent the time I originally was going to spend typing up more of my short stories to explore the interwebs for information on phalloplasty, metoidioplasty, vaginoplasty, etc. Took about an hour to go through Wikipedia’s trove of articles. It’s all rather interesting. My biggest thing was how do they make a functioning urethra, is it all for show or for function, how do you plasty erogeny? As it turns out (and not surprisingly) it’s all variable. It’s surgeon dependent, option dependent and it may or may not work properly. Obviously in this day and age the success rate is pretty high, but risk is always involved as it is surgery. I drew short of looking for pictures, though Wikipedia had a few. Maybe another day. I am now educated and informed.

While I may not ever fully understand what they’re going through, I can try and understand. I just can’t get over the inkling that they will never truly be able to find identity. As an observer and objective, there may be some that might get close, but I see the desire to accepted but always that sinking feeling inside that they’re not. At this point in time you can’t change certain natural things about being biologically male and female. Never 100%. That powerful support group is so very important, but I don’t think that’s enough to take away all of the uncertainty. It’s always so very interesting to look at the history of sexuality back through ancient times and civilizations.

I am not gay (after years of careful introspection and thought), but I know how people look at me. It’s hard to tell if I just like short hair or if there’s more to it. There’s confusion there and some jealousy too. My most recent haircut is ridiculously male and these days my big build doesn’t help in the least. The reason people stopped referring to me as sir is probably my boobs but also that short hair these days is in. I’ve been dealing with this “is she, isn’t she” thing since 10 years ago when I decided to chop off all of my hair and my body started getting bulky. It’s been quite a ride and let me tell you how much courage it takes to walk around defiantly, daring people to react. I can understand what the LGBT community has to go through, because that’s how people have acted around me for 10 years. It is nice to see that at least around where I live now, the tension has diminished steadily for years. And the best part? The young people are cool with it all. The adults are still, bleh, but hostility has changed.

So, of the heterosexual people out there, I can commiserate rather well in dealing with stigma and reactivity. When I was little, I was already boyish and I definitely preferred boy stuff over girl stuff. It all became reality for me when I reached 8th grade and the physical dichotomy between boys and girls grew substantially. I couldn’t keep up anymore. My first crush was on a male teacher, and then a male classmate. When I got into college, I started to wonder if I was gay after all, because I had a bit of a crush on a girl. That did NOT last. However, I was rather asexual for a while, not caring about that stuff at all because I had a goal for career and school. It wasn’t until I was out working for a year or two afterwards that I knew that I was not gay. 100%. Not bi or anything. Just straight up. lol. I was, what? 23 or 24? Late bloomer.

Wow I’m late now!

Uuuuurgh

I made the final agreements, signed and then paid for half of the beach vacation I’m taking in October. My stomach literally hurt before, during and after clicking submit. That. Is. A lot. Of. Money. Money that I don’t really have right now, but almost can’t afford to not spend. Time is precious and something my dogs don’t have a lot of. Before they get too old and can’t make a trip like that, before they die altogether. I just do not want regret on my conscience. For all I know, they might not make it, but at least I tried. Interestingly, this trip is less than half of what it cost to go last year with my grandparents, and more than likely was the last time they’d be able to come. My grandpa just physically cannot make it up and down all those steps.

Man. What I do for these dogs.

I spent most of the morning dealing with that, and then the rest of the morning sending emails and fangirl squealing over the new Subaru Ascent. I’m concerned that my car’s suspension is starting to go as there are some weird click noises on turning, but I don’t want to deal with that right now. I can’t afford it. All will become available once that house is sold, but fate doesn’t wish for me to accomplish that just yet, obviously.

This blog and my almost obsessiveness about recording my life came in handy this past weekend when we were trying to remember the details of what occurred at my sister’s wedding. It has been 4 years and none of us could agree on what happened. Thank goodness for the good ol’ blog! My great fear of not remembering makes me like this and I realized that lately I haven’t been as good about recording events. The reason? I’ve been trying to make this more of a blog-blog since I have a ridiculous amount of followers now and it’s influencing what I put in here. The roots of it all need to be returned to. Just like I’ve learned in reaching the end of all chapters in Dynasty Warrior 9, after all these years, I’ve strayed far from the original goal. It must be realized once more!

So. Saturday saw me driving around in search of a place to get an oil change. I really like the Tires Plus location, so I went there around 8am after walking the dogs and showering, and of course, as usual, they were freaking out about having 10 cars to do and only 1 person working because someone didn’t show up, blah blah blah. I was like, OK, then good luck and started driving around thinking I’d have to go back to Tire & Auto which is not ideal, but at least they’re affordable and will do it even if they too will be stressed out, etc. THEN I remembered that the collision place I went to now offers repairs! No better time to check it out! So I go and as usual, they are very nice. Disorganized, but very nice. I wanted an oil change and tire rotation, but they didn’t hear the tire rotation part (they’re all Korean) and I was like, oh well. The facility is nice and brand new, finished now that it’s been 5 months since I’d been there. Waiting room was nice and they were finished within 30-40 minutes (3 cars ahead of me). Whoo! Good test run! I won’t know how the oil they use (Starfire oil?) will be until I hit the 3 month mark, but good test! As I drive back, all I can think of is doggone it, I forgot that Subaru now offers express lube too and I could’ve used the time to pop over to the showroom to look at the Ascent. Dude. Then I get home, decide to drive my mom to work and look around for my coworker who wants to utilize the discount there. Turns out it was tax-free weekend and I was getting annoyed with all the people there. The line was crazy, so I decided to go buy a video game to avoid the lines. When I was leaving I realized the line wasn’t so bad after all and I just spent $50 to avoid nothing. Buh. Then I laid around and went to pick her up, roasting in the car and we went more shopping for foods.

Sunday was more shopping, for clothes this time since I keep inflating and deflating, so upped the pant size for the fat days. Also, I wanted to buy my nephew a birthday present. Pretty excited about what I got him. Came home, and I relaxed until I got a call from my grandma panicking that their phone line was out again. OH. MY. GODDDDDDDD!!!! That freaking HOUSE. What the HECK is wrong with it????? I finish playing my level with much less joy and solicited my brother to come with me so we could get foods afterwards. Walked the dogs early and no one pooped because they thought it was a fun-walk. Make the trip only to realize that there was nothing wrong after all because the reset attempts I made worked even though they kept saying error. Ugh. It was nice to check on them, though, and then made the long drive to Golden Corral only to find it super crowded and back to Hibachi we went where it wasn’t crowded at all. Everyone is on vacation right now. The neighborhood is empty too. Played video games until I got too tired because dangit I want to finish the game this weekend!

Monday was a very lazy day after all of the money spent. I ended up on my phone playing that ridiculously addictive game Homesense ALL FREAKING DAY LONG. Only stopping to pick up the controller to finish my game around 4pm. What an idiot. Waste of my time and my life. I had wanted to be totally done with Dynasty Warriors, but I’m not. Also, I’d wanted to do some creative writing and such, but didn’t get around to that until I was in bed. I did, however, manage to get downstairs to work out which I’m proud of. With the buffet eating and bumming around, my body was desperate for me to do something. Talk about sweating!!! Phew! Feels good, though. Really glad I did that.

Then there’s today. Tuesday again. Back to work and back to worrying about money. I have to stop doing this. More ramen for the rest of the year! Lottery? Anytime now! Let’s just stop eating altogether. It’ll help with my waist too!

Monday

Monday again!

I still can’t believe that it takes ME doing it for things to get done. All of 15 minutes. That’s all it took for me to pull up the website, pick a house and say, we’re booking this. Wow. I gave them since December to figure it out. It’s ridiculous how much people flounder when tasked to do things. I guarantee it will take me another 10 minutes to figure out the cable deal at the house too. Is this what they mean by co-dependency? Setting the rules, the boundaries and coming down to a decision. I know there are patients like that at work too, that refuse to make their own decisions regarding their care (and then the other end of the spectrum too) and rely wholly upon us as the office to make that decision for them. It’s infuriating! If I want something, I’m gonna get it done. Once I start, there’s no backing down until it’s through.

Ridiculous.

Don’t raise your kids like that. I mean, I understand part of it is nature, but that’s why you toss them into the deep end and make them make their own decision to survive.

Speaking of kids, I decided that I’m not going to be like my aunts and uncle and in the future when my nephew asks for something specific for Christmas or his birthday, I’m not going to make it a habit to give him exactly what he wants because that’s how my cousins are and were raised. By virtue of asking for something, they’re always going to get it regardless of price or necessity or integrity. That’s a horrible trait: expectation and reward. It’s entitlement. That’s how you create rapists and such. I always get what I want. You work for it. Things cost money. The value of money. And unfortunately in life, you won’t always get what you want and honestly what you want from life won’t come the instant you snap your fingers. Never expect that of others either. I won’t always deny him, but it was, sadly, something I had to deal with often in my childhood. My cousin who always got what she wanted couldn’t wrap her brain around it, but at least she saw it. All of my cousins here are like that and it makes it so that they get bored with everything since they always get what they want and then it just sits there. Always looking for something more, but not wanting what they have.

Humans have a natural inclination to want. Always wanting stuff. And it’s good to have goals and something to work towards because life would be boring, but once you finally get it, want it. Otherwise once you get married, the chase is over. It’s no longer exciting. Want what you have.

My co-worker is like that now that she’s married. She spent the better part of the year planning and wanting and building a ridiculous excitement for her wedding. Well, now it’s over. The fervor has died down. She was miffed at work, I can tell, that others weren’t as excited for her as she wanted us to be. I think she’s finally coming down off the high and I could tell she was grasping to fill that fever pitch she’d attained. She’d been living with him for over 2 years already, so honestly it wasn’t all that different for her or us. Just a ceremony was completed with pictures and stuff. Right now she’s got the honeymoon to plan and she’s excited about, but you can see that void in her. The 2 years earlier with all of the steps in a relationship were fun for her, the house, the living, the cohabitation, the trips, then demanding from him an engagement that he was hesitant to commit to, then the engagement, now the wedding. There’s a honeymoon and people asking about babies, but from here on out, it’s just normalcy.

Actually, thinking of that, is that why people have kids then? To make it more interesting? The next excitement step? The loss of static relationship, roommate-style living. The honeymoon phase kaput. Huh. Because kids is where it all starts going through a rigorous test. I should know, I’m watching my sister and her husband go through it. The time in between the marriage and the baby was already a trying time for them (given, also, that there was drama with me involved) because, well, it was boring, and he finally realized my sister’s true nature which is workaholic. Her odd hours, the fact that she’s never home and when she’s home, she can’t relax. You hit a time in your life (certain people at least) when what you want is normalcy. Routine. He’s that kind of guy, I’ve found. He yearns for that traditional routine of 9-5, vacations in the summer, raising a kid together: the Dream. But what he got is not. I’ll never forget the conversation I had with him when he voiced those concerns to me that she’s never home and I told him, gently as I could, that she’s always been like that. Since forever. He might be her husband for the last however many years, but she’s my sister. I grew up with her. His face at that has been seared in my mind forever. I feel bad for my nephew too, but oh well.

In other news, it seems that Gamer Guy that has been pestering me to come over to his house to visit him, which is not at all creepy, has finally moved on with another female. Phew!! I was trying to figure out how to tell him I’m not interested in anything other than friendship with him, but that going to his house by myself is kind of scary so I ended up not talking to him anymore. I’m really glad to see that.

I read somewhere that men are created to chase women and I’ve decided that there is truth in that statement. I have many single patients in my patient pool and for some reason all of the men seem off, like they’re missing something in their lives. They usually fill it with a hobby or something to chase, but there’s a portion of them that’s missing. They practically scream bachelor. My uncle for an amazing example. And my brother. The female singles don’t exude that same vibe as strongly. Or maybe it’s because I’m female that I pick up on it easier? The females don’t seem like they need a man in their lives, while in the men’s cases I always feel like if they had a woman in their lives, they’d be all less weird and uptight. And weird is the nicest and best descriptor here. Once again, maybe it’s because I’m a female not a male (though you wouldn’t know that given my current hair status lol).

I find myself in interesting positions of observation a lot. My nature, maybe? It’s fun though.