It almost seems worse today, especially this morning. I remember why I didn’t want to finish the Gabapentin like the vet strongly recommended I do with her neck: it makes her eyes crazy and instead of sleeping (it’s supposed to be a sedative) she wanders around all night/day instead, unable to relax, pacing. When I stopped giving it to her (didn’t make sense because of how it’s supposed to work) she seemed to relax better.
I dreamed about her pain. I got up in the middle of the night because I heard a dog walking around and went to find her. I think she was in pain? It’s weird because half of the time she seems extremely healthy, and even seemingly TOO energetic (sprinting around, galloping, running up and down stairs, stretching, excited for walks, being VERY strong on the walks, very strong appetite), while the other half sees her sensitive when I touch the part of her back, tired, nervous, seemingly scared, uninterested in people moving around, easily tired on walks. She didn’t budge when my sister left yesterday, just lay there sleeping, but when it was food time she was strangely overstimulated and once again finished every last bite.
This morning on the walk she was unsteady (I had to catch and support her because her back leg wasn’t having it), tried hard to keep up with us, but at the same time had the enthusiasm of 10 dogs, kicking and galloping and just working around the bum leg. I had to ask her to slow down and she was adamant about smelling things. Such a strong dog when she wants to be. I was sad the entire walk, thinking about losing my girl (again), but obviously her will to live is still strong for the moment, and until she’s ready, I won’t do anything. As much as I have the prior experience to pull on, this one seems different…more confusing. While initially she was having issues putting weight on it and making the leg work, it almost seemed that the more we walked, the better it got. The medicine doesn’t seem to be working the same way either.
I’ve been toying with making a vet appointment tomorrow but I know how much it will cost because they’ll want another xray and my credit card debt has only grown, not shrunk. I’m struggling. Plus…if they tell me again that I need to get an MRI, I’ll just have to say that I literally can not afford the MRI not to mention any surgery they recommend. As my patient and I discussed, while it’s true they are like family, she’s still a dog, a pet. In that way, I don’t want to know the truth because what am I to do about it, besides grieve? Then again, waiting until she’s in severe pain seems irresponsible.
I cut the walk short for her and decided to take Gable out by himself so that he could get the amount of exercise necessary for him and to not exacerbate her condition. Apparently that was a mistake. Not only was Gable not all that excited about going walking on his own (never say no, though), he seemed to want to go back home, like he sensed something (going faster and leading me directly home). When we walked in the door Liana was there with a terrified and relieved look on her face, breathing very very hard like she had been panicking and scared the whole time. Great decision making, mom.
Now they’re both lying in my room (after a slight quarrel because Gable likes to sprawl and not share his bed) both adorable. She’s breathing heavily, but I’m glad to have her in here with me.