It is now Friday

Yesterday was the most frustrating and obnoxious day of work I’ve had in a while. For some reason I was feeling rather irritable in general, which I felt was the same for other patients because normally sweet, nice patients were very mean. I finally told off Idiot about taking my trays and not paying attention. Strange I felt so confident and in control of my emotions because normally I’d be so livid I’d be afraid what would come out of my mouth. It was the final straw because I was 25 minutes behind and I don’t have time to sit around when it means seconds before a patient walkout. After I told her off, she ran off to hide in the break room for a few minutes, and later it came up that the assistant was the one who took it and apologized profusely for, but it didn’t matter who did it because it needed to be said no matter what. The situation has been occurring for the last 2 years and this was the perfect moment to do it. Everyone is feeling frustrations about her, but everyone is too nice to say anything, so who better than the one with blatant and obvious disrespect for her. I’m just going to keep calling it out too until she gets it through her thick skull. I’m done holding it in and done watching as she takes full advantage of the already overworked assistant, treat her like her own personal assistant, and then at the drop of a hat blame her for everything. Countless time have I watched and heard her choose not to make decisions for herself in order to deflect blame when something bad happens. Always an excuse, always someone else’s fault. It can’t possibly be her fault. Nothing ever is even though it is. It’s passive aggressive bullying and I aim to call it out if I ever get a legitimate chance.

I don’t know what change came over me or what hill I just crested, but it’s time to stand up for things like that.

Maybe it has to do with my sudden crabbiness which stems from being back in a hopeless, backed–in-a-corner-position. I’m still living with my mom, who has vision problems and seems adamant on keeping me around her forever. She can see, just not super clearly. I don’t mind being around to help, but I’m feeling (again) desperate to move out to my own place. However, I can’t. I ejected one problem with that, but now I’m shouldering yet another burden in the form of my brother and allowing him to use the other house as a half-time independent living zone. I want to give him that as he seems to not either be able to, or just doesn’t want to take the leap to his own apartment/abode. It’s a really nice house that we’ll probably never find or be able to afford again. On top of it, I can’t get down there to accomplish things as much as I’d like. Well, I can, but not only can my body not stand the grueling one-day-marathon events that I’ve become accustomed to doing anymore like it used to, but I literally do not have the cash for extra gas, extra car maintenance, extra groceries and especially not for the house. The more I go, the more I want to spend. And alongside that, I need money to finish fixing it up in order to sell, and even above that, I need time, which I just do not have. I need a span of time to do the fence.

Next week is spring break for public schools and originally we had the time off and I was planning around that because it’s springtime and I need about a week to get things done with muscle pain and deliveries and such. The worst part about all of this? WEATHER. I can’t just go take time off because who knows what the weather will do?

And honestly even when I sell it, it’s not like I’ll be able to get a place right away, but at least I’ll have the extra cash to pay off a few things, start an IRA and greatly reduce the bills even if I would have to pay out the butt for taxes without a mortgage. See? Nothing is without burden.

Ah, being an adult.


Almost typed “weekend”

Because I’m such a creative title writer. Nope! I had a snow day yesterday! We haven’t had one of those in at least 2 years!!! I was STOKED. You know, everyone needs a snow day once in a while…it was absolutely gorgeous too. My dogs always get soooo excited when it snows because every time it does I let them out for an extra walk and to run around and play in it. Gable these days is just happy to walk around in it. Liana wants to run and leap and play…my black snow bunny. Old snow bunny. I’m always so disappointed when I don’t have a yard for her to play in. Got my hot chocolate and ramen in: all traditional snow day fare. Then that’s when it all took a turn for busy: I accompanied my brother to Subaru for service and to get a loaner, as well as to be nosy on the road. I wanted to go joyriding in my car. Our area was BAD but the main roads weren’t too bad at all. Then when I got home, I forced my mom to come out and enjoy the snow with my dogs, took a few pictures, and went back inside, only to find out that was needed at my grandparents to further troubleshoot their TV. We all piled into the car and I spent the next 3 hours on the phone trying everything with no luck. I had to schedule a tech for today to come, but thankfully my brother can be there for them because I can’t. We surmised that it was a hardware or wiring problem. They’ll have to find out. Otherwise, the internet works amazingly. They were freaking out because their Tennis tournament was on and thankfully we were able to re-route it to the Roku and use our cable account to allow them access.

Came back home, shoveled and spent pretty much the rest of the day and especially the night trying to marathon my CE courses. Figures that I chose the most difficult to understand ones, but when I actually focused and tried to learn and study, I learned something! Well, I already learned it once, so it was more a review, but apparently my memory is like a sieve. Let’s see how long it stays this time…. I have 7 more hours to complete before renewing. Didn’t sleep until around 11:30pm (past my bedtime!!) because it took me much longer to do the courses than I thought it would!!! Also, I cannot understand how people watch TV and study. It’s impossible for me.

I wish I would stop spending money that I don’t have.

Monday Night

What a day! Busy all morning with the cable install switch over at my grandparent’s house, then errands and finally home, then just 2 hours to relax before dinner, the usual Monday night trash/recycle/cleaning, quick run out to buy dog food, and here I am.

I got my Sleep Walking Cam today and tried it out. Tonight is the first test! Why in the world does everything that seems decent on Amazon end up being from China? The cheaper price is nice, but the possibility of Chinese spying, the not-so-perfect grammar, etc is just iffy. I never know when it’s Chinese or not. I try to buy things made here in the US, but I guess that’s the nature of buying online. They do a decent job of covering that important detail up. Or maybe I just need to pay more attention when I buy something. Seems decent enough, though. Interested to see what I’m gonna see tomorrow morning.

Remember that one guy I keep remaining friends with but I keep saying makes me mad all the time when I talk to him for too long? I sent him a link to a “30 couples that make you cringe” as a bit of a joke, but of course we don’t see eye to eye on it again. They’re pictures of couples that are so cheesy it’s cringeworthy, but he’s all like, but some of those are sweet! You can tell quite a bit about a person from what they consider funny and what they don’t. That’s a fantastic compatibility test there, too. Then again, he’s never been in a relationship and I have. When I was in his shoes I would’ve thought the same thing too, but coming out of one, yeah. Those are definitely young, new passionate, blooming relationship stuff. Then again the people in the pics are also in their teens and early 20s so there you go. Don’t wanna start an argument with him. Oh man he makes me irritated sometimes.

Hmm…maybe I should send that link to more people to give them a gist of my humor/cringe-material.

Speaking of which, remember when I went ahead and switched all of my profile pictures on that dating site to that of me and my current boy hair? No takers. At all. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Totally called it, didn’t I? Definitely not on a Catholic dating site. Even the others I remember having to choose the “girly” pictures because no one would send me messages and those that did were just desperate, didn’t care because I have curves and want a good night’s fun, or were just weird. beh. Don’t care. At this point, I’m telling you, no one would be interested. Or like my ex, don’t think they care, but they end up do caring after all because that honeymoon phase is over and start worrying about what they other guys might think or what their family will think, etc. And no, you can’t change my mind. I don’t care. My co-worker is like this now with her fiancé. Before him, she loved short hair, not as short as mine, but short. And now, she told me, wistfully, she can’t do that anymore. I remember making a face, shaking my head and said, psshh. Hey, when you’re desperate to get married and start a family, I guess you’ll do anything.

I’m already intimidating enough to people in general, but I’m particularly intimidating to men. The hair is only one part of it. Most of them can’t stand a powerful personality.

I give up. I don’t care.

My muscles are really hurting me and achy after yesterday. How in the world big men become plumbers is beyond me. That wasn’t even that tight of a space!

Yow! Past 11pm! Gotta work tomorrow and they’re calling for snow! So glad I’m getting paid this week…only to use all of it on soul crushing bills. Whoo!!!


Monday Again!

What a weekend so far!

I’ve done more than I’ve done in while…closer to “living” than I have been able to, I guess.

A couple things to talk about here…let’s see if I can remember them all.

Just remembered that horribly depressing post I did on Friday.

Saturday was the Super Pet Expo! I didn’t want to take my 2 because they don’t usually like standing around and they also like to mark everything and they can get leash reactive and super excited about other dogs. Mostly it’s because they get bored after a little and want to go home, and given the line 2 years ago, that would be terrible. So I arrive early (I was going to come later in anticipation of a line) and the line is much faster than I remember! The reason being is online tickets. The buy-there-line was full, but the get-into-the-event-line was very quick. I kept getting butt-poked by dogs which was totally cute and it happened so often that I thought Gable was there with me. This year the event was much better coordinated and bigger too, so it didn’t feel like sardine packing after a while which is fantastic. The atmosphere was wonderful, no mean spirits that I could tell, dogs galore, and vendors everywhere. Even a reptile house! The only problem I ran into was that when I’d walk up to or past vendors some people would outright ignore me or turn away so that they “don’t see me” only to attend to other people. Those people I didn’t bother with and took my business elsewhere. As I wandered around and bought things, I became increasingly aware that my dogs are missing out and I was missing them. The event was so much better organized that they probably would have enjoyed themselves. I mean, they had 2 or 3 people wandering around with mops to clean up the accidents!! And a poop station because Doody Calls was there! I couldn’t believe that I’d spent an hour and a half there when I left and I had a thought about coming back with them, but one look at the miserable parking situation nixed that idea. Dogs kept coming up to me, nosing my butt, and sniffing my bags (I had treats). DOGS GALORE. Next year, I’ll bring them. MONEY WAS SPENT THERE. Thankfully mostly cash, but then I went home and spent more money because of my sleepwalking thing.

…I hate saying “next year” or “later” or “next time” because there might not be one.

The rest of the evening was veg out, slow cooking the corned beef, and then it was SUNDAY. Whenever I’m busy like that the weekend already feels fulfilled. I promised the dogs out of guilt that I’d take them to the park, so I did. We woke up bright and early and left right at sunrise to get to the park. FIRST ONE THERE. Yessss. It was pretty brisk and the dogs were beside themselves because we hadn’t been to the park in a while (weather has not been favorable and I’ve been tired too) so they were particularly unruly. That made me think that maybe it was a good thing we hadn’t gone to the pet expo after all and if I wanted to bring them that I should tire them out first so we don’t get crazy unruly dog. It was great. Since there was no one there we took the long route, saw some deer, took pictures that Sir Grumpypants no longer wishes to take (he used to be SUCH a model boy!), saw some dogs and an hour and a half later went home. Around the one hour mark Liana got really tired and started lagging behind, but Sir Crotchety just kept trucking like the good boy he is. I’m so glad I went early because as I was leaving (around 8:30am) the crowds started spilling in. Got home and was trying to get my mom to look at pictures of my nephew to order for Easter, but instead got caught up in an email about bathroom vanities at Lowes and BOOM, off we went to get a bathroom vanity. That would be my project for the day and I was super excited for a project!! The best part, was that it would be the best way to procrastinate because I still need to get my CEs done for the license renewal! Way to perpetuate school-days-behaviors. I do this every year holy crap. So of course, I tell myself I’ll just do one every day I come home from work this week like homework. So I start on the vanity project that I’ve been talking about for months because no one ever wants to use our half bath/guest bath because it’s super cluttered, the toilet is scary and the pedestal sink gives us nothing to work with. I am STOKED about this. Aaaaaand of course the excitement turns into frustration very quickly. I am very thankful that whoever installed it did it right because nothing was hard to remove, but when you have a 30 year old house and pipe standards have changed drastically over time…CUE THE EXASPERATION. I have to say that this has got to be the sloppiest install I’ve ever done. The lack of space to work was a little difficult. Over 6 hours later, I’m mostly finished but since it was so sloppy and so much left to chance…I’m not confident. It does, however, look nice. Makes the bathroom much more inviting even though we still have the toilet issue. Another time, another time. I’ll give it a week or two before I make it permanent and secure it into the wall and add the caulk.

Not as proud of this work as the others. I hope it all holds up. Plumbing really is a pain. NOthing I hate more than having to drive out 3 or 4 times for things I thought I had right but didn’t. Well, what’s for sure is that we have only 1 more bathroom to update if we want to and at least I’ll remember that this house is 30 years old and we’ll buy it all at that point correctly. Sigh. At least I think people will want to actually use the bathroom now.

Today, Monday, will see us at my grandparent’s house to be there for their install of new cable and such. My body is in a bit of pain and I ate Waaaaay too much at the buffet last night. Full weekend, I tells ya! So glad to be getting paid this week.

One other thing before I go: I was wondering why in the heck my work bag keeps slipping off my shoulders these days when it wasn’t a big deal at all to keep it on. Turns out, I’ve been doing upper weights so much that I no longer have a shoulder for it to rest on so it falls right off. Bluh. Good thing I hate purses to begin with so I never carry them, but dang that’s annoying because that bag is heavy full of food every day. LOL.

My sleep-walking camera is coming today!!


Friday night

Here I am on a Friday night, watching SpongeBob (I haven’t seen this one!) and eating Crispix. Typically speaking, I’d be perfectly happy sitting around on a Friday night like this, but what a patient told me today really made me sad/lonely again. Then my discussion with the temp had a similar flair to it, and I was doubly depressed. My patient told me that it’s really nice of me to bring my mom and grandma on vacation, but that I’m young and need to have time for my own and have a vacation. Then the temp talked about going to NYC and how her housemates don’t want to and would rather hang out at home. I mentioned that I’m like that and as I said that, I could feel my defenses ebbing away. The whole drive home was me thinking about it all and I suddenly contacted one of my old suitors telling him we should go out for dinner some time when it’s not Lent anymore (so that I can eat meat). I meant it too, but I hope he doesn’t think I’m trying to start anything.

I guess I’ve built up my defenses again. Not just around my heart but around everything else. My own version of rose-colored glasses. It’s not as powerful as it used to be (especially since it didn’t take much to cut right through to it) but I’ve been convincing myself that I am happy right now. It’s not a lie, because I am rather content and happy just taking care of myself and not worrying about anyone or anything else except my dogs and bills, but whenever patients ask about my future plans or anything I’m embarrassed to admit that I don’t have any plans. Vacation, travel, or otherwise. I’m just…living. I’ve been recently thinking again about whether I want to jump back into the game or if I want to give up forever. I still need to get my own place that is truly mine alone, but it’s a thought again.

I just can’t believe that words can cut right through it all so easily. They’re right, in a way. I do need to just go somewhere without being weighed down by my family which for whatever reason I have NEVER been able to do. Only problem is, I have no one else. I’d go on my own. And when I did, he didn’t want to do anything at all. Always put it off, some other time. It was all very disheartening. Man. Why does someone else’s opinion even matter? …when it hits close to home. Sigh.

Still watching SpongeBob and still eating Crispix. Now I don’t even want to eat dinner.


The Paradox

First off, it’s FRIIIDAY. Whoooooo! Tomorrow is the Pet Expo and I’m going this year! Yay for spending money! That I need to pay bills with! Dogs are worth it, though. Too bad I can’t bring my pups. They’re too obnoxious to bring to a thing like this. When I used to bring them to meet and greets, they would like the attention from people and chillin’ with the other greyhounds (like, literally chilling. Greyhounds know how to be around greyhounds) within about 5 minutes, they’re honking and whining about going somewhere. Very impatient. They hate just standing around and are like, can we go home yet? Their preference is trails and walking. If I brought them I’d spend at most 30 minutes and then have to leave. I feel it’d be different if I had a pup I could carry. Plus, they LOVE to mark things and I can already see a territorial marking going on somewhere embarrassing. Gable doesn’t just pee, he PEES. Gallon-sized bladder on that boy. Don’t forget the girl. My dominant girl who don’t take crap from others. She’ll mark things too. Ah well. Treats and toys it is! Then it’s CE time this weekend. Gotta get that done and paid!

OK. So I mentioned yesterday what a paradox of a person I am. It’s inherent in my creed of Moderation in All things. Honestly, I feel most people are this way, as it is necessary if you’re a balanced person. This also pokes fun at any sort of profile, especially online dating profiles, which are extremely stressful to write up and oftentimes lacking anyways. The only way to experience a person and learn about them is to be around them, and even then you don’t even know. I’ve thought about writing these in the future if I ever decide I want to try online dating again, just to illustrate the point that I’m a person, I could be this, I could be that, I’m just a person. It is truth after all. Well, at least I think others are like this too, logically it just makes sense. There are concrete likes and dislikes (eg. food) as well, but overall these are me, and arguably, so are most people.

I am: 

  • Emotional yet strive to be objective
  • Compassionate yet indifferent
  • Conservative yet liberal
  • Religious yet free-thinking
  • Patient yet impatient
  • Logical yet unreasonable
  • Ambitious in pursuits, yet very lazy
  • Adventurous yet content and comfortable
  • Aggressive yet timid
  • Supremely confident, yet painfully shy
  • Calm yet anxious
  • Creative but rather boring
  • Not rich, but not poor either
  • Happy yet lonely

I am a person.

TOMORROW IS SATURDAY. This post was not as profound as it sounded in my head. We’re going to order fries at work.


So when I woke up on Tuesday morning I was extremely tired despite having a seemingly fit-less night. Only 2 other things were very strange to me and they were that I had the longest continuing dream that I can remember to this date (see Resident Weirdo blog for details) and that I had a cut on the inside of my arm that ended in a pin bruise like I took something and cut myself before jamming it into my arm or I scratched up against a thorn–both of which I know for certain that I could not have done the night before. Then the first thing out of my mom’s mouth was, “did you walk around last night.” It all made sense but it’s creepy and worrisome. I did it when I was little, but I can’t believe I still do it now. There are other episodes where I think that I slept walked, but I couldn’t be sure–things like waking up with the bottom of my feet hurting as if I’d been walking, running or jumping all night, muscle pain inconsistent with any activity I had been doing the day before, and most telling, inexplicable bruises and abrasions. Sometimes they were quite decent. I’d joked about setting up a camera to record what I do at night, but I always ended up not doing that one because it’s expensive to have a long-recording camera which also needs a hard drive, and honestly I’m a bit afraid of what I’d see. What if I’m being possessed or abducted by aliens or worse, what if I’m doing really embarrassing things? Some things are better not known, but it’s been happening with a frequency that I’m getting worried.

Liana started coming into my room at night because of this, I think. It seems that she can tell if I’m about to do something. When she’s in my room I don’t walk as much. And if I dream about my dogs, I don’t walk either. That’s what’s worrisome…am I actually dream traveling too? Having the dream log really helps narrow things down. What a burden to be a living dream catcher. And what’s wrong with my mind and soul that it travels or is possessed or whatever. Anyways, in light of all of this, I think I might buy a camera after all. At some point. When I have extra cash. Which means several months in my future.

I’m sure the instant I get one, I’ll stop doing it. It’s not like I can know when I’m going to walk.

The males that I’ve kept in touch with are starting to perk up again. Must be the spring time or whatever. This one friend that I’ve long, since the beginning, told him I’m not attracted to him because we would just never get along started asking me weird questions that obviously meant that he was thinking about me as potential wife material again. Cue the eye roll. I’ve told him many times I’m not interested and we only just keep messaging each other because he said he doesn’t have many other friends. He’s a decent enough guy and I check in with him every so often as he’s in Kuwait with the Dept of Defense. However, he is NOT boyfriend material for me. I just like him as a friend, although at this point, it’s obvious that men and women can not be just friends in my life. In fact, from the very beginning and it hasn’t changed now, he makes me mad if I talk to him for too long. Like a naïve commenter that always makes me irritated. Others have started rearing their heads and apparently I still have accounts on some dating sites, so one in particular messaged me and I went to check it out, but I don’t pay for it, so I can’t see the messages. He answered my “questions” with all the same answers as me which was kind of interesting because most people don’t. He’s down South where my house is. And he’s Catholic. Wow. A little too perfect, don’t you think? I realized that all these dudes kept hitting up my account and so the best way to really test them out is to post real pictures of myself (the pics there were over 2 years old and therefore very misleading) with my very manly hair. Hah. Let’s see who messages who now. I really and truly have no intention of changing my hair for anyone. I like what I like.

Speaking of which, I’m not even all that interested in finding a new boyfriend at this point. Thinking about all of this, I’ve come to the exact same conclusion for the last several months: I’m actually happy now. Again. If I get into a relationship again, I’ll have to be in that glowy, sparkly, lovey state once more. There will be obligations and money and time and worry and such. How many people would be OK with me straight binging Monster Hunter from 9am to 6pm? I don’t like movies too much. I LOVE dogs, but I feel very strongly about discipline. My dogs are my life, it’s all for them. I don’t work full time. Right now I’m living with my mom and brother. I own a house but not in this area. I am such a paradox in so many ways. I sleep walk and am sleepily violent too.  I’m analytical. I have interesting theories about things. I read body language, and auras and believe in weird crap like dream traveling and ghosts and such, while being definitely Catholic. I think think think. I have a serious temper that is awful in the car. And really, I LIKE being able to sleep in a bed by myself. The peace and quiet of no one else in the room with me, no snoring, no lights, no nothing. I’m also supremely confident in myself which always translates to “too intense” and males are very turned off by it. Males don’t like when I can beat them at things. Or know more than them. Or can unravel their logic. Or speak my true mind.

Maybe I should find a woman. Lol.