Liana Update

It almost seems worse today, especially this morning. I remember why I didn’t want to finish the Gabapentin like the vet strongly recommended I do with her neck: it makes her eyes crazy and instead of sleeping (it’s supposed to be a sedative) she wanders around all night/day instead, unable to relax, pacing. When I stopped giving it to her (didn’t make sense because of how it’s supposed to work) she seemed to relax better.

I dreamed about her pain. I got up in the middle of the night because I heard a dog walking around and went to find her. I think she was in pain? It’s weird because half of the time she seems extremely healthy, and even seemingly TOO energetic (sprinting around, galloping, running up and down stairs, stretching, excited for walks, being VERY strong on the walks, very strong appetite), while the other half sees her sensitive when I touch the part of her back, tired, nervous, seemingly scared, uninterested in people moving around, easily tired on walks. She didn’t budge when my sister left yesterday, just lay there sleeping, but when it was food time she was strangely overstimulated and once again finished every last bite.

This morning on the walk she was unsteady (I had to catch and support her because her back leg wasn’t having it), tried hard to keep up with us, but at the same time had the enthusiasm of 10 dogs, kicking and galloping and just working around the bum leg. I had to ask her to slow down and she was adamant about smelling things. Such a strong dog when she wants to be. I was sad the entire walk, thinking about losing my girl (again), but obviously her will to live is still strong for the moment, and until she’s ready, I won’t do anything. As much as I have the prior experience to pull on, this one seems different…more confusing. While initially she was having issues putting weight on it and making the leg work, it almost seemed that the more we walked, the better it got. The medicine doesn’t seem to be working the same way either.

I’ve been toying with making a vet appointment tomorrow but I know how much it will cost because they’ll want another xray and my credit card debt has only grown, not shrunk. I’m struggling. Plus…if they tell me again that I need to get an MRI, I’ll just have to say that I literally can not afford the MRI not to mention any surgery they recommend. As my patient and I discussed, while it’s true they are like family, she’s still a dog, a pet. In  that way, I don’t want to know the truth because what am I to do about it, besides grieve? Then again, waiting until she’s in severe pain seems irresponsible.

I cut the walk short for her and decided to take Gable out by himself so that he could get the amount of exercise necessary for him and to not exacerbate her condition. Apparently that was a mistake. Not only was Gable not all that excited about going walking on his own (never say no, though), he seemed to want to go back home, like he sensed something (going faster and leading me directly home). When we walked in the door Liana was there with a terrified and relieved look on her face, breathing very very hard like she had been panicking and scared the whole time. Great decision making, mom.

Now they’re both lying in my room (after a slight quarrel because Gable likes to sprawl and not share his bed) both adorable. She’s breathing heavily, but I’m glad to have her in here with me.

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Liana Pain Again

My heart dies a little more whenever something like this happens. I came home yesterday and she was acting strangely: super excited even after the walk (a little bit longer than usual but not too far, and she was very tired), kept coming up to me and trying to be really close, doing a weird thing where she was “scratching” her belly with her back leg while standing up. I went to see if maybe there was a tick or something she stepped on, but nothing. She was nervous and tried to rip a box, then when I was eating strudels, she wanted to eat it and came to lick the container when I was done with it and still holding it. She never does that. We left to get some tomatoes, then when I came home I thought they were really hungry because she acted that way, so I fed them early as I was preparing our food. She literally ran in and pranced and jumped, so excited for her food and ate it in record time, finishing every bite. Then she went out to lay down again and my brother tells me she does something weird when you touch her back. This morning I notice she’s walking extremely slowly outside, but trying hard to keep up when I look at her, just like it was before the unbearable pain last time. When I run my hand along her back, she kicks her leg when I get to a certain point (this time the lumbar region) like it hurts. She’s a toughie, too, so this time I’m going to listen…it’s good I decided to keep some medication around despite what the vet told me last time.

We were supposed to go south to take advantage of the weather and my mom’s rare Saturday off, but after much deliberation, we decided not to. I mean, if this is truly the last time she’d be able to make it back down there like she loves, will I regret the decision? She can still walk and jog and stuff, she just hasn’t started screaming in pain yet. However, why make it worse? I know when she goes down there, she’s going to want to run which will exacerbate it. I know what’s happening now, let’s nip it in the bud.

That ball of fear in my stomach. That sinking feeling. I felt a strong grief and sadness last night as my mind decided, unbidden, to revisit my past sorrows. I did ask them to wait until after our beach trip to get sick and do whatever. They’d kept their end of the bargain. Her birthday is less than a month away.

Gable is worried, but is now upset that we’re not going anywhere and he’s stuck again in the house.

Friday again

Woke up with the song Paradise by Love & The Outcome in my head

Catch your breath and close your eyes,
You and me forever after,
Lets let our plans and dreams collide,
We are a beautiful disaster. (Yeah.)
Never thought life could be this way,
Even thought we change our love will stay,
Stronger then the storm in me every day,
Cuz even when it bad its good.
Me with you
In our own paradise, its paradise,
Only with you
In our own paradise, its paradise,
(Paradise, its paradise.)
Made a mess but here we are, (here we are.)
Broken pieces fit together,(yeah,)
I hold your tears you heal my scars, (heal my scars)
Now I know you more then ever, (yeahh.)
Never thought life could be this way,
Cuz even when it bad its good.
Me with you
In our own paradise, its paradise,
Only with you
In our own paradise, its paradise,
(Paradise, its paradise.)
Forever I’m yours forever your mine,
I need you like mad its true,
Only with you in our own paradise, its paradise
More then we ever asked our imagined,
Live in the moment, I handle open,
More then we ever asked our imagined,
Live in the moment
Me with you
In our own paradise, its paradise,
Only with you
In our own paradise, its paradise,
Forever I’m yours forever your mine,
I need you like mad its true,
Me with you… Its paradise,
(Paradise, its paradise, its paradise, paradise.)

I really like their music.

So. It’s Friday again. I’m definitely PMSing again. When I get depressed, then happy, then lonely, and mad x 3. The last one is the real definitive indicator. Idiot at work is really setting me off and while it impedes my ability to work well, when it starts messing with my patients and making them uncomfortable or irritated, then I can’t deal with it anymore. I snapped and started going off about her to one of my bosses yesterday. He was completely taken aback and was like, who what when where huh? Grrrr. I’m getting very close to discussing this with my other boss. It’s gone far enough to the point where I was thinking of working here only 2 days a week and then somewhere else instead the other days when she’s there.

I was watching a Facebook video of a different method of doing cosmetic veneers, and made the ultimate mistake of reading the comments. Like a dummy I was like, huh, I wonder what other dental professionals think because I, myself, saw many problems with the way the system works. Well. Let’s just say that the video and subsequent comments are proof perfect that people on the internet (and therefore regular people) know very little about how things operate and yet still wish to squeeze their irrelevant opinions into anything and everything. The comments were mostly how dentists are crooks, then there were those who marveled at the idea of veneers (except they’ve been in dentistry for quite some time), then those who complained about why their dentist didn’t do that and instead took out their tooth, then the religious zealots in broken English that said Jesus will fix all your problems, those who shared dental stories about something not even remotely related to veneers….at the time I saw no input from any other dental peeps and it boggled my mind at how these people were missing the point of this video. It was a DIFFERENT way to do veneers, not introducing veneers as a new concept, or saying it was the end all restorative. In a way it was a fascinating research piece for sociology, or for how humans overall react to anything on the internet. If I took all the comments (being in the dental field, myself, and knowing a bit about how things work in it) and made a pie chart of the types of responses from this particular population of those who commented from the Facebook Channel, it might be very interesting indeed. Then you could compare it to other types of videos and see if the population of answer-types remain consistent across the board, or if it changes. Then if it differs greatly, then explore why and how and the different variables attributing to the discrepancy.

Huh.

Well the plan tomorrow is to do yardwork. Whoo. Stumps to be ground out today.

 

Without the Tree

Busy trying to sleep on a fall morning and realizing that the airplanes flying to the airport are much more noticeable now. It’s amazing how much trees benefit us, and of course we rarely notice anything until they’re gone. On the bright side, I have since stopped waking up with inflamed eyes, coughing, etc.

This week is sooo slowww and it’s about to go even more slowly because S is going to be gone today and tomorrow. B will be in her place and we all know how that goes…basically means that you have to start taking care of yourself.

Saturday will afford me some time to do yardwork for my place. I’ve been entertaining thoughts, again, about houses even though I’m well aware that it’s not going to happen anytime soon. One can dream.

Q and I were talking about S and her boyfriend and if he’s going to propose at the wedding they’re going to. It should have happened last year this time, but I don’t know what’s going on in his mind. She’s been waiting and waiting and waiting. We’ve discussed a few times about how she doesn’t deserve someone like him, despite how much she loves him, because she’s so vivacious and positive and happy, but he’s a bit of a reluctant stick in the mud. Being his hygienist, I learn a lot about a core of a person and I can glean and extract information in a wholly innocent way. He’s better than he was, much more mature now than at first, but he’s still got the give-up attitude where he’ll say anything, agree to anything you want him to say as opposed to being true to what HE wants and HIS own feelings. The bamboo syndrome that affects so many. That drives me crazy. They just moved into a house (2-year rent) and she was so excited about it given the fact that they can save money and mostly for their dog (he’s so proud and loves the dog so much) but he really didn’t want to, preferring instead to rent an apartment, despite the numbers and overall advantages and benefits of doing so. It really bothered me that he couldn’t see it, and I’d posited my suspicions to S, where she got upset at me, but hey, I say it as I see it. Eventually, of course, he told her (after some furious back and forth) that he was really excited to be moving into a house. As usual, it left me wondering what his true feelings are. Q and I discuss, but it’s not our life, so we just hope for the best.

Anyways, all that discussion had me jump into voicing to another person for the first time what exactly went wrong with my own relationship. I explained to her that I feel like it might be a little bit like that where it’s a one-sided relationship, but how much of that is the difference between females and males? Mine was so purely one-sided, I’m sure no one else can beat that. Except maybe my dad. Huh. Well…he resembled my dad in so many ways it wasn’t funny. S’s bf does care for her, though, that much I’m positive. It’s the little things, you know? I just, couldn’t be with someone who cared so little about me and so much about himself. I explained to Q that I wasn’t trying to get in his way, but if I did matter at all, it would have worked because he would have made it work. And that focus problem he claimed he had, you can’t get around it because it’s going to be like that forever. I guess you either learn how to balance priorities or you don’t. And the worst part is: if he knew he just didn’t love me anymore, why prolong it? Why extend the lie? Who else benefits but himself. Why not just tell me? It’s always been about him. All 2 years. On both sides.

It feels good to let things out. I do it plenty on here, but in person it’s even more therapeutic.

I wish I could forget. But I can’t. Damn brain.

Gorgeous gorgeous clear sky!

It’s the time of year to feel lonely again. I’ve been super talkative to my patients too. I guess I’m back! Haha. It’s amazing what vacations can do for you.

:(

Sometimes the saddest things cross my mind. I was just tucking in my boy and I always make sure to tell him he’s my good boy before I go to sleep. My mind always goes back to Tristan and how I stayed with him as he went was put down. That then translates to the inevitable time when I have to tell my boy and girl goodbye one last time. Never know exactly when that will be. I’ll never be able to stroke his fur again or kiss his head or tickle his paws or feel his Pikachu tail or watch him buck like a stallion whenever it’s time for walkies or feel his head on my leg again. I know it’s coming but man…I can prepare all I want…it won’t make it easier.

Why do I always think of these things before bed?

Tree gone

And I missed it. My mom took pictures, though, which helped. She said it was really quite awesome how they did it. Still wish I’d been able to see it. The dogs apparently had no clue what was going on and finally when Liana figured it out, she was standing at the door alert, muscles contracted and wanted to bark. Haha. She’s so cute. The stumps are still there and we haven’t paid them yet (I went out and counted: 12 rings) so it’s not over yet. I am sad at my view and lack of shade now, though I’m glad given the threat of it falling onto the neighbor’s and our house, plus the damage the squirrels have caused using it as a highway to the roofs. How am I supposed to feed the birdies now? I guess I can be like a few houses down and do the ones that connect to the deck, even if we’re technically not supposed to according to the HOA.

Sigh.

My mom had to go to the NIH last week because her eyes are so bad and untreatable with conventional treatments. Heredity is the reason for it, and so they’ll do experimental genome therapy. Better than nothing. Apparently the doctor said that if her other eye starts doing the same thing, he’ll take away her driving privileges. It’s that bad. She said she plans on not driving anymore after so many years and I’m like, what??? I mean, I understand the medical concerns, but then what? Who’s going to drive her around? Every time I say I’m going to buy a house a move out into it, she gets upset and says things like, you can’t leave with Gable still alive. She gets like that every time I say I’m going to stop living with her. What do you want me to do, mom? Be your caretaker forever? If you want me to start a family or do anything normal, I have to leave. I WANT to leave. This is exactly why I kept telling her to find someone. Someone who can love and take care of her. At this rate, how can she take care of my grandparents? I toyed with the idea of just using the money from selling my house to just pool into a larger home, but that’s not the point. I don’t want to be held down forever. I WANT to be able to live on my own and not be accountable to anything. Why is it that I have been unable to procure my own freedom my entire 3 decades on this earth? In the USA?

I keep blaming my housing situation as part of the reason my relationship failed even though I know that really it just wouldn’t ever work out, because I do believe it’s true. I’ve refused to even entertain the thought of looking again until I next year when I’m supposed to be selling my house because I need my own place to do that. I’m still keeping up with real estate in the hopes something affordable will come by. They do. I’m just not free to make that move. It’s part selfish, but how can you hold me to this? I care tremendously for my mom, of course, but when am I supposed to be able to live life as I want it? To have my house as I want it set up. Not with my mom, not with my brother tagging along, not all set up so that my sister can benefit from it. What is my destiny? To be a crutch for everyone?

Rant rant rant.

Weekend!

It is indeed Tuesday again and I am no longer on a vacation high. The dogs spent most of Friday begging for and anticipating another trip to the beach. Poor Liana finally gave up, whilst Gable is happily enjoying his own beds, though he did want to go to the park or something. Luckily for them, this Saturday sees my mom with a rare day off so we’ll go south for her to visit the baby and hopefully the weather will hold for me to do some more yardwork. Actually, even if it rains it’ll be fine because softer soil would be wonderful for me. Fall is indeed here, even if the calendar says not quite yet.

The doggies need new collars again because the beach always kills them even if I didn’t send them into the water with the collars on (that’s what the British leads are for).

Since I had a 4-day weekend, I spent Friday destroying the pantry and throwing away all the super old things in there. This is why hoarding food is not a good idea…what used to be perfectly good food all in the trash can mostly because it all gets jammed in there and you can’t find anything so you keep buying more. I mean, I must have thrown away over a hundred dollars in unfinished, stale, melted and expired food…and that wasn’t even all the shelves…Relocating some things for easier access, removing plastic bags and tubs…the trash can was super heavy and the recycle is overflowing. There are other things I need to recycle and throw away, but it has to wait until the next trash/recycle cycle. At first everyone balks at what I did, but then it looks sooooo much better because things are easier to find and it’s true that things go bad, what a waste of money. I’m hoping that by relocating, documenting some, etc, that this time it won’t inspire more hoarding, but the idea that what’s in there should be used. Not only is it a waste to throw away, but if we didn’t need to it begin with, there would be less buying initially. Bah. These things always escalate in a few weeks. The next project in that vein is the refrigerator, but unless the fridge is replaced with something not side-by-side, the problem will never be fixed. Less space in a French door, yes, but less money wasted again. Alas, it is very difficult to find a French door fridge in our specifications…but then again that can wait until all my bills are paid off.

It’ll be nice to get a real paycheck this week, but given the time of the year (birthday and then Christmas time) I dunno when I’ll be able to afford a fridge here. Ha…as soon as I pay off the other one, I’ll start with this house. Sigh.

Saturday and Sunday found me finishing Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle. What a wonderful game, btw. A little short but extremely enjoyable, giving you everything you wanted in a game like that. I am very pleased with it and glad I bought it. Someone buy me a Rabbid Kong plushie.

Friday was supposed to be the last day for the trees in the back, but there was a mixup and when I called them on Friday the guy had somehow gotten our quote and someone else’s quote mixed up. They’re supposed to be here at 9am today to do it. I hope it actually happens. I wanted to watch :(.

OK. Looks like it’s about time to go. I have been eaten alive by mosquitoes ever since I’ve been back here. I also think the decaying tree is making me break out in hives sometimes. I woke up this morning with my eyes super puffy again like I’d been crying, but all I remember is a strange dream about presentations on dinosaurs and drawing lines on a face with marker in a supermarket. Very sleepy. I hope work goes well today.