Yow

Could not get up this morning! Even going to sleep early the night before! I’m just thankful my brain was aware enough to wake up literally 5 minutes before I’m supposed to wake up. My body certainly used full advantage of sleep, methinks. My knee feels a bit better, but still tender when I press on the mesial ligaments surrounding my kneecap. I am convinced now that it had something to do with my sleeping the night before and not from working like I’d surmised yesterday. Work certainly exacerbated an injured ligament, but not the cause. Gotta wonder sometimes…

Super happy that today is the last day of work this week…not that I’m going to get a break because I’ll be doing marathon fence/yardwork at the other house.

Yowza…my brain isn’t working properly. I can’t think right now.

Whenever my 2 engaged co-workers at work start talking wedding stuff, I don’t want to hear it. I want to be excited for them, but I’m not that kind of girl, I think. That and I guess it’s a still a somewhat sore point with me which is silly because I really am not all that interested right now. If I was, I’d be busting my butt to shop around. I’ve resigned myself to not ever having kids and I think my family has 1) always known this as I’ve announced it from when I was little, and 2) don’t expect any different. Still waiting for my future path to open up and show me what it has in the plan.

Now that I’ve been doing DIY things for a while, and seeing others, I’ve grown a major respect for professional skills. It used to be the mindset of “why should I pay someone to do this when I could do it cheaper and hopefully correctly without worrying that someone is cheating me out?” Now it’s the more that I want to do it myself. Partially to save money, but mostly merely because I want to. Take, for instance, cars. I know and I’ve done my own brakes. It’s not hard at all and would save so much money to do it myself. However, why? I have a patient at work who is a car guy. His whole adult life he’s been buying very old cars and restoring them from the ground up. I’d mentioned to him that I’d like to change my own oil sometime and he basically told me, why? It’s not that expensive and it saves you a whole lot of mess and inconvenience. If I was younger, I’d say, wow, what a rich person, entitled thing to say, but you know what? He’s got a point. Going back to the brakes thing, even if I know how to do it, I don’t really care to do it myself unless I’m super strapped for cash or I just enjoy more than anything doing car stuff. It’s a big pain in the butt and will indeed take all day. Not to mention, if something goes wrong….the people at the shop not only have lifts that make it all so much faster, but they have parts if something indeed goes wrong. I’d still like to change my own oil once to know exactly how it’s done (I know in theory) but I will still go pay someone a small premium to do it for me and dispose of it, get THEIR hands and arms dirty for it, etc.

In the same vein, over the last few years (also benefitting from a decent paying job, mind you), I’ve grown to appreciate prices and cost. Yeah, it might be cheaper this way or that way, but I’ve come to a realization that there’s a good reason for cost. Sometimes not, if someone decides to charge an arm and a leg for name and logo alone, but most of the time. My co-worker was complaining that she went to Barnes and Noble, picked 5 books and put them all back because it came to about $50 and she could get them much cheaper through Amazon. My brother regularly buys things that you can easily get from a standing store through Amazon because it’s convenient (Target is literally 5 minutes from the house). My relatives like going to H-Mart because their apples are not only more than half the price of a regular grocery store, but more than double the size! Not to bust the convenience bubble, though I sort of am because people are so doggone lazy these days (this lady called into the store, my mom was telling me, and asked if we would deliver her online-bought goods to her car outside. When asked why, she said because it’s too cold and she doesn’t want to get out of the car to walk in).

What, exactly, are you paying for when you buy a product? Why is it that Amazon can charge such a low price? Why is it, that with the rise of Amazon, individual stores are going belly up in droves? Why in the world are bigger products like apples far cheaper than the smaller, more natural ones? When you buy from a store, like Target, you’re not only paying for the ability to get it right then and there, and touch it, and feel it, and smell it, and try it on, you’re paying for their lease of the store building itself, the utilities, and most importantly, their workers. Like my mom. That she can make a living, that she can have medical benefits. Amazon uses robots mostly. They use people too, and I don’t know about working conditions now, but it wasn’t too good not long ago when people were literally dying. They don’t  need standing stores, they just need giant warehouses and rely on delivery companies. I know a person who works for UPS. He doesn’t get paid more with the massive influx of online ordering, he just gets a much bigger headache. Their overhead is lower, bottom line. Apples that are so big, but very cheap? What in the world is it grown? What is injected into them? You gotta wonder! Things have a price. Think about it. I’ve tried really hard to buy products in stores instead of online. Definitely online has an almost endless supply of choices, it’s convenient, cheaper, and there things that you can only find online, but I’ve been trying extremely hard to go to standing stores and support them. Wean myself off the online binge which is so easy to do. I want this, and this and that and ooo what’s that I don’t need? $100 for a $3 purchase? Sweet. It’s bad enough when that happens in Target…online it’s a breeze to go overboard!

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It’s only 9:30!

It wasn’t even 9pm yet and I was already feeling like it was 11pm…Not only am I sleepy, but my body is in pain. I’m not sure what was going on last night in my sleep, but I woke up with my side feeling like I’d spent the entire night doing side crunches. Not only that, but at work, I found that I’d twisted or otherwise injured the tendons inside my left knee because it is PAINFUL. Feeling almost like there’s an air pocket in it. I’ve always had a problem with that knee for some reason, but this is not fun. I’d intended to work out a bit tonight, but given the pain and how my workouts are, it’s most likely in my best interest to not do that. Instead I did stretches and floor work, ending with as much of the Plank pose as I could manage.

Hopefully tonight won’t be as active. If only my dogs could tell me about my night stories… I’d been meaning to one day install a camera that would record my activities all night. Then again, maybe I don’t want to know because it’d be too creepy. I swear I’m like possessed or something at night. Only way I can explain why some nights I wake up with bruises, body pain and feeling very unrested. The most inexplicable ones are when the bottom of my feet are killing me when I wake up as if I’d been walking all night long. Alien abduction? What if I just disappear altogether and then reappear?

Only one more day of work this week! I’m so STOKED to have off on Friday! Not doing anything particularly fun…I will be going down to the other house on Saturday in the hopes that the weather forecast is correct so that I can get some fence work done. It had snowed last night a good ~1 inch, and then it’s AGAIN supposed to be almost 60  degrees this weekend. What in the world. I mean it was 70 degrees last Friday! The plants are all confused I bet. I know we are.

You know you’re old and boring when the most exciting thing that happened to me was that I made an eye appointment. Whoo! Got to work on some creative project or something. Seriously.

Gable’s birthday is Saturday!

I spent the last 2 weeks not eating out at all and I think it has made a tremendous difference in my bloatedness/weight. All to be destroyed tomorrow at work, but it’s nice to know that it does work to eat better and that’s it. I really really really want fries though.

MAN…thought that I’d be able to write in here and pass the time, but I am so sleepy I can’t stand it.

Gnight!

Back to it

3 day week, this week, with no word of makeup day as of yet…but I know it’s coming because work on Friday was a DISASTER. One power outage right after my first patient, and then sitting around for a bit, and then it came back one for about 30 minutes before yet AGAIN it goes out. I swore up and down that it’d come right back one, but it didn’t for over 2 hours. By then the day was pretty much gone with no real hope of it coming back. The doctors were improvising to finish their procedures in the dark with no power, while we just all sat around being paid to do absolutely nothing and make no money whatsoever. By the time they sent everyone home, the power came back on and I was the only one left just in case it did come back. So I managed to see 2 more patients before we truly called it a day. Sounds like an easy time, but I couldn’t believe how tired I was afterwards, like I was super stressed out the whole time, which I probably was. 4 hours of patients completely lost. My bosses were stressed, but he is always better than her who just about lost it. I mean, what can you do? It’s not something you can be warned about or know about! You just deal with what it is.

Before I left, I spent time talking to her about how I’ve been tossing around the idea of going back to dental school, given the inevitable sale of my house. She and I have zero doubt of my ability and getting through it is not the problem. Inconveniences before in preparation, hurdles during, but it’s the after I’m very afraid of. The sale of my house will help smooth over any finance issues, but I would still apply for student loans nonetheless. The real issue is that being a dentist or any doctor like that is a major commitment, and one that I would be 100% “STUCK” with forever after that. Gone would be my carefree days of no responsibility. Days like the power outage day will cause me undue stress like it causes her instead of my “whatever” mindset as not-the-boss. I’m sick? It’s ok, don’t come in. Vacation? Go for it. Terrible patient? Not my problem after I’m done with the cleaning. Dog is sick? You’re fine, go deal with it. The practice hasn’t ground to a halt yet.

The reality is that once again, of course, of COURSE, I could handle it all, and especially now having practiced in the field for a good amount of time, I know some of the tricks and what to expect and I wouldn’t go in with this idealistic mindset of being a glamorous and cool dentist because I understand the reality of life and the ins and outs of it all. I’d be mentally and physically more prepared than any of my peers unless they had the same experiences. HOWEVER….however….my heart is not there. In this moment in time, that is the absolutely best time to ever accomplish a goal such as this, I just don’t want it enough. I DO NOT WANT IT 100%. I’m cool with the idea 30% even maybe 50%, but I am not at all committed. The mediocre current could sweep my feet out from under me and I’d run and hide under my rock. It’s just that given the perfect storm, if I didn’t choose it now, I’d be hard pressed to find another opportunity in my life to do it again. It would solve financial issues, it would solve relatives’ expectation issues, it would solve society-and peer-influenced-expectation and goal issues, it would more than likely solve future-mate-relationship issues (I tend to attract the males around me if I hang out around them long enough), it would allow me the opportunity to do dental school the correct way unlike the experience I had in hygiene school.

I…I still don’t want it right now. I just don’t. I like being carefree. I make a very decent amount of money now even not working anywhere near full time.

Wow look at the time!!!

Warming up!

It’s not as cold out! I still can’t get over how when I was taking the Christmas lights down, I didn’t wear a jacket or anything and was like, WOW it’s WARM, except it was still only in the 20s and sleeting. Now after all these years I finally understand how my uncle in Rochester feels. It’s weird, like your body manages its nerve system to make it more resistant to cold? I knew it was still cold and didn’t want a re-infection of illness, so I went in and got a coat anyways, but it was kind of cool. Just like now how it’s not nearly as cold as it was, but still chilly here in my room. I swear the entire back half of this townhouse has zero insulation whatsoever.

I’ve been trying hard to spend much less time on social media, especially Facebook. I’ve found that I don’t feel good about myself or my life the more I’m on there. My brain feels like it needs to be washed after I swipe around for a bit, too. I love the cute dog videos, recipe ideas and such, but Facebook these days is more like a news media outlet than anything else. The less time I spend on it, the happier I am. Let’s face it, I won’t ever be totally off of Facebook, given my job and stuff too, but I think I can limit myself to help increase not only my mental well-being, but also, well, life well-being. Already I feel as if a net has been lifted from my mind, and that I want to start projects again, to learn and do and create new things. Less often do jaded and negative thoughts come to mind.

I really like not having my brother around. Cooking for myself is sooo much easier since my palate is easily 3x more inclusive than his. None of this always going out to eat because I don’t know what he wants, not sure if he’s going to eat what I make, how much I should make because if he eats it I won’t have enough for lunch the next day and if he doesn’t how am I supposed to eat it all myself, cheese! I love cheese! The dogs love cheese! It’s bad enough I always have to cook for them too. I like having someone to talk to, especially since we know each other so well, but man, I like being here on my own and not having to rely on people for anything. Sometimes when someone’s there, you feel like you have to entertain them, when if they weren’t, you’d just veg or chill or do blast music, work out, watch or do whatever you like. Go to sleep early! Or not! Dance around! Text and phone are good tools to keep in touch with people. Since we’d always eat out at least 2x a week with him here, I feel like the last 5 days without him here, I’ve lost some weight! Maybe just water weight, but there’s less fat in my thigh and butt areas! Eating out is fun, but not all the time, geez. Not to mention I firmly believe that he NEEDS to live on his own. For the independence, and most notably, the confidence that comes from independence. For the obligation to take care of yourself and make your own decisions without having anyone else to pester you or for you to rely on. It creates gumption. Desire to do things for yourself. Practice. Creativity. It’s just great! Control over your own environment without input from others. Relative calm and peace. So far it seems he’s rather enjoying himself down there. Males need this. Really need this. To find the truths in themselves without someone telling them what to do, what to think, what to believe. Though…it certainly CAN backfire…

Gable’s birthday is coming up! My old man! With his old man belly skin! Hehehee.

Man I want some friiiiieeees.  Hopefully now that the weather is warmer, I can actually go down to the basement and do things. It’s just that the house is soooo cluttterrrreeed and becoming moreso as we slowly starting moving stuff from the other house up here. One downside to eating healthier is that without the exercise regimen that comes with it, I want to eat food all the time.

Very productive time off

I missed work on Friday because I just couldn’t do it. So, naturally, I spent it playing video games. I managed to finish Dragon Quest Builders on Saturday and proceeded to spend Sunday (starting around 2pm) building my childhood home in the sandbox mode. Very pleased with myself but I can’t believe it took me 5 hours to do it. Wonderful, wonderful game, btw. My brother has been gone since Friday around noon, down South to wait for my modem to arrive, since I ordered an upgrade plus phone service for that house (why phone? because it’s cheaper than just the internet and since my cell reception is pretty bad there, it’s nice to have a backup. Not to mention the security system ppl need the landline for a good connection, once again because cell is spotty there) and it was set to arrive soon. With my brother gone and my mom at work pretty much every night except Saturday where she works day, I’ve essentially been home by myself, which is awesome. The dogs seem to like it too and I’ve noticed that when there’s just me here, Liana doesn’t act up as much about her food pickiness. Silly pup, taking advantage of people. I like the intermittent interaction with people, but I love the time by myself quite a bit. At least I can pretend I’m on my own for a little. Plus, with my brother effectively living down there for a bit (the modem got delayed due to weather and we finally got notice it will arrive tomorrow), it’s good experience for him to be on his own in his own place, responsible for his own meals and working and all that. Another bonus is that it turns out my kitchen sink hot water pipe froze in the deep freeze we had, so it was really nice to have someone there…this is exactly another reason why I need to sell…the onus of a vacant home on me with the countless disasters that can befall it with no one the wiser is absolutely massive.

Now that I’m starting to feel better, plus with the weather warming up again, I’m feeling productive! We’ve been having issues with the front door latch and lock being crotchety, so now’s the time to fix the locks on the sliding glass doors (both keyed locks are completely inoperable, which, technically, is a great security feature) so that there’s more than one way to get into the house. Now that it’s warming up, it’s less of an issue than it was during the super cold (think 0 and negative degree wind chill), but still needs to be addressed nonetheless. I ended up fiddling with the sliding door locks and started my warrior project of DIY fixing them. That’s how I spent a good chunk of yesterday. Then today I got the new key cylinders in the mail (!!) and proceeded to mess up one and finally after a lot of finagling and frustration, figured it out and replaced one lock! Whoo! All outlined on Stuff! Blog, in case anyone is interested. Just need to order yet another one since I messed up one of them. POWER TOOLS FTW. Still doesn’t address our door problem, since that’s the deck lock, but hey. Practice is better than messing up the real security-concerned door. Not only does it help solve our problem, finally (a few years back, my brother and I both messed with the same locks and I think that REALLY messed them up), but I learned how these locks (super simple concept) and key cylinders operate. All around the time we figured out a trick to the front door.

So many things around the house that need to be fixed/replaced, but getting around to them is kind of just MEH until it really needs to be done. Light some BUTT FIRES.

On that productivity train, I took down all the Christmas decorations since yesterday was the Epiphany of the Lord, meaning the season is officially over. Then I made a roast chicken I’m very proud of and was very nummy, drew out a sketch idea for RW, and decided on the next artistic project I’m going to have. Oh, and I managed to contact the cable peeps to ask about that modem, got groceries, gas, salted the porch, trash and recycle. All in one day! I didn’t spend much time sitting, and brain rotting today. The rest of the weekend saw lots of home cooking by me (dogs love that…), laundry (*shudder*), and hacking my lungs out.

I feel much better now, although I still get into coughing fits. Cough drops and cough medicine loading up tomorrow! That Claritin-D this morning seemed to work well, too. I may have lost weight from this sickness. Lucky!

Next week is only a 3 day work week and since it’s going to be, hopefully, above 50 degrees, I’m going to try my darndest to take advantage of it and try to at last do some fence work or digging. I’ve got to sell that house!!! Even if it means my vacation home and Liana’s playground will be gone forever. Honestly, my siblings have benefitted as much if not more than I have from that house.

I hope all that hanging in and out of the house doing that lock isn’t going to give me another illness or make the current one worse…

Let’s see if I can make it through tomorrow’s work  without scaring anyone away or dying. -_-;;

Coooold

Man, it’s frigid cold, brrrr!
I feel the need to grow some fur!
My greys have some, though quite thin,
Mom, let me out! Now let me in!!

Dual coats, high boots and a penguin hat,
Snow pants, thick gloves and a full ski mask!
It’s quite a self-conscious feeling at first,
Just until we’re knocked by an arctic burst!

Back inside it’s nice and warm again,
Hot soup and cocoa with candy cane!
Beneath the blankets we curl up,
Sleep well my darling, sweet grey pups!

Stayed home from work today

I should be sleeping, but the door handle/latch in the front doesn’t work very well…one of these days we’re not going to be able to get in…since I was at home by myself tonight, I made sure to leave out the back door to walk the dogs and had a backup plan in the event I really can’t get the door to open…and my mom wanted me to be on alert in case she can’t get in either. It’s OK, it’s Friday night and I’ve been home all day anyways…

…yesterday I just couldn’t take it anymore and had to ask off of work. This minor cold has moved down to my chest and the weird thing is that usually I feel like crap when the congestion gets really bad, but this time I don’t. My body feels completely normal and functional, which is why I thought I could work, it’s just that my coughs sound like death and sometimes I get into a coughing fit because my lower respiratory system is clogged. At times I feel like I’m having asthma and can’t breathe well, and most of the time my throat is just lined with mucous. Yeah. Strange stuff…apparently it’s been going around, though and hangs about for 2 weeks or so. I’m just glad I stayed home today. Surprisingly, or not, the instant I woke up this morning I felt better! Honestly I think the prospect of “not working” had something to do with that. LOL. Really.

What did I do all day? Played Monster Quest Builders. Very close to being done. Whenever I look back on my days and realize I LITERALLY spent it all playing games, I feel like a bum, but it’s freaking cold, I’m sick, and I think it’s OK. What else would I do? Can’t be productive all the time, right? … I still feel like a bum. I even managed to mess up my laundry. Two loads. First load smelled a little funny when I was putting it in the dryer and only afterwards did I realize I hadn’t added detergent, but I had already started the second load. Buh. Maybe my brain isn’t as unaffected as I thought. Still getting used to the detergent dispenser, though.

Getting a nose pimple from blowing my nose. Beh.

Prep, during and after dinner I was busy watching paranormal shows. I can only do this when no one else is home because no one else ever wants to watch it. Always say that it’s too creepy. Well. The last one I watched with the bad actors in the reenactment was pretty creepy! This lady had been haunted by a nightmare of a witch chasing her since she was little and all of the sudden it was popping up again and the witch was getting closer and closer each dream. She started acting weird and her new husband was having a hard time with this different woman who was strangely angry and never wanted to leave the house ever and just wanted to sit in the dark. It even began affecting her kids. Eventually it got to the point where the witch caught her and tried to choke her (why is that such a common occurrence with women in these stories?) and she described it as the witch with red eyes was trying to suck out her soul. It all got really really bad and they eventually called in some religious people (I missed some of it) to do a “deliverance” which is basically an exorcism as I saw. They showed actual footage and it was really rather creepy. Then when they were able to expel the demon and she finally smiled again for the first time in months, she asked the people why her, why was the demon attached to her and trying to take her over. She had mentioned that the demon had red eyes, and they asked her if she’d messed with anything occult like séances or spiritual boards. She thought for a moment was like, YES, OMG when she was 13 (the same age that the dreams started) she’d always go to her grandma’s house and play with the Ouija board! They went on to describe that usually the demons like to strike when the person is the most happy. In her case, her marriage to her new husband (who had a faith background as a Catholic school student) was the catalyst and the demon did not like that at all and did anything in its power to dissolve the relationship and regain power. Eventually it would’ve sucked her dry and then leave her as a shell of a person. You  had to see it. Eventually they ended up divorcing anyways, but on good terms. As if he was put there in her life merely to help her through this obstacle. Without him who knows what would have happened…he was the catalyst in the downward spiral, but she was always on that downward path, just slowly. When he wasn’t needed anymore, his job was done. I don’t know how well I described it here.

As much as I believe in ghosts and paranormal, I usually look through these shows with some skepticism until it aligns with what I believe to be true or reasonable in the paranormal sense. This one struck a chord with me, especially their explanation. I thought back to how happy M and I were in the beginning and I remember prodding his religious side. He was happy, nice, loving, caring. When I stayed with him that one night, I’ll never ever forget the paranormal activity in his house above us. Straight up footsteps walking across the floor. Those annoying chain rattling sounds. Before that all, he had showed me (behind a massive wall of junk his sister had) their little altar for his grandpa (Asian style) because I asked what it was and we’d seen to our amazement the one of the teacups was broken neatly in half. He was a little perturbed because literally no one had gone back there (or had been able to honestly) for a long time since his mom had been in the house. I remember thinking in my  head that a neglected shrine/altar is never a good thing and paranormal immediately jumped into my head. Needless to say I didn’t sleep very well at all that night. And it was cold even though I’d brought my own fuzzy blanket. I kept saying prayers in my head which worked until I stopped saying them and the annoyance would start up again right when I was drifting off to sleep. M ended up sick then too. He never gets sick. It was right after that he started to change. He told me later, after I mentioned his house was haunted, that he sometimes heard the footsteps too. I warned him not to be afraid and to try and drum up some faith in a higher being, but knowing him, he was afraid. Sigh. Then a few months later, I mentioned it in passing and he vehemently and almost angrily denied it all. It was a similar pattern where he would get angry at me for little things and started shutting down. He didn’t like the light, either, and I would joke, saying he was a like vampire in his cave. Our relationship didn’t last long after that…it just limped along until I called it off.

Makes me wonder, though, you know? Obviously the spirit in the house didn’t like me, much. He was always prone to depression anyways, a surefire, easy way for a spirit to enter. When I first met him, I was drawn in because he was perceptive…I could sense the receptive side of him, something you don’t see in many people. It’s a perception that makes one sensitive to psych waves and subsequently paranormal stuff. About the time we started going downhill, I couldn’t sense it in him anymore, like he shut it down or it was plugged. Was it the same kind of story? At the end he told me, like the lady, he didn’t know why he’d get angry or suddenly not care about things he used to care about. Shortly before I broke us up, he almost begged me, so uncharacteristically for his surly self, to help him learn why he was like that and how to overcome it. I did my best, but I knew that it was ultimately up to him. HE had to be the strong one, I can’t do anything besides be a rock, and he wasn’t employing anything I advised him to do, nor did he trust me anymore. Maybe he was unable to, in retrospect, by something unseen. One of my last words to him was to get out of the house, that it’s haunted and I firmly believe that it was having a seriously negative effect on him. His house was always full of strife and arguing and yelling. He told me straight up the house is not haunted, he never heard any noises and that I’m crazy. He had told me something very different after that incident.

Like the people were explaining: the new husband had Faith, he was making her happy and giving her strength. Spirit didn’t like that, so it caused turmoil and even though she was able to expel the majority of the demon away, it looks like it still won in the end. I came into his life. I have Faith. It forced itself in between us and turned him into someone I didn’t even recognize. The spirit won. It didn’t like me and now we’re split. Badly, too. Couldn’t help but see parallels. Haha. It’s easy to blame the ghost. While I do think it had something to do with it, I understand that it wasn’t all its fault. Maybe it was doing it for my sake or just protecting him, I dunno. I just hope and wish and pray that he’s not being negatively affected by anything like that. It still amazes me how many people are terrified of paranormal and horror stuff. Like, terrified terrified. I’m not saying I’m not afraid, but dang some of that stuff is spooky, but I accept paranormal activity. Science can’t explain everything. I’ve had too many experiences to deny it.

There was one dream I had recently and in the past too, that sometimes makes me wonder if I’ll always be strong enough to repel any that come knocking on my door. I truly believe that I’m sensitive to them. Not like a psychic, not that strong, just sensitive to the spirits. They’ve gotten close. I know they’re drawn to receptive people. I try not to allow many cracks in my door and I try to remain vigilant. Strength in faith. Confidence in faith. Respectful, but confident and firm. Can’t let fear take over.