Short Stories

This short story prompt book is great! Not only does it allow me to wander my brain a bit, forces me to write and vary my thoughts, but it constrains the length too. I’ve always had an problem with being too descriptive and when I read books like that, I get bored. So far, I’ve extended it to the very end of the allowed space…my pacing is getting better, methinks. The best part of it all, is that if I wanted to elaborate and explore the idea some more, I can! My mind has already been planning how to do that on some of what I’ve written so far.

The dogs are back being brats about food. I knew it wouldn’t last. It would be normal if they weren’t so old and I know that the implications of not eating are more detrimental now than ever before.

That reading app I was talking about is starting to become a bad influence. I was waiting for it to become that, as I knew exactly what was going to happen, but there you go. It’s nice to read romance sometimes, but some of these stories are very frustrating and they’re aimed for young women, so the person when it comes to the female protagonist is you. There are choice to make which make it a visual novel game, but honestly all of the choices, even the ones you have to “buy” end up the same anyways. There’s one so far that will change the story depending on what you choose, but that one is so much unlike the softcore romance I’ve been reading so far and it’s pretty much a trashy romance novel. Not to mention all of the typos I’ve been seeing…seriously. Typos really mess up the story’s integrity when it occurs too often and repeatedly. Why paint these young women in such a idiotic light? To illustrate that “love” makes you like that? It certainly can. Also, all of the men (or target romance of the protagonist) seem to be rich and super muscle hot as well as totally chill, patient and gentlemanly. I guess that’s what you’re looking for in a cheesy romance novel anyways, but reading too many in a row can get…beh.

Obviously I do enjoy my occasional trashy romance novel, but my preference is more focused on fantasy plot. Regardless, it doesn’t seem that I’ll be putting these app books down until I finish them all. Guh. Thank goodness for this brain building short story book to counteract the brain numbing of the romance. Here’s just hoping they’re not shaped by these unrealistic ideals.

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Ahhh…hair

I think I might have mentioned that I chopped off my hair. It is always so liberating for me to do that. This time it is the shortest it has been in a few years and looks suspiciously like a boy’s cut.

One of the worst parts (or the most exhilarating and rebellious) of doing this, though, is going into public and especially work. I’ve done it for so many years and it really does take some serious guts to do. While I’m used to it, there’s always that insecurity that follows, that self-consciousness when I’m not feeling proud and confident. It does, however, test people quite well. Everyone says that they’re tolerant, that they’re understanding of other people’s decisions that everyone should move to the beat of their own drums, but when faced with it head on, can you hold on to it and prove that you are through and through 100% OK with what you say you are OK with? Not many can. I know what everyone is thinking, what’s going through their heads when I come in through the door. They’re secretly wondering if I am as straight a rod as I claim, if there is a secret desire to be a male in me, if I am in fact a lesbian or maybe bi-sexual. For some women it’s a secret jealousy that they wish they could do the same–I’ve had several women over the years tell me they with they had the courage I do. Men seem to be the most effected by it all, the most bothered by it. Many people stare, not knowing how to react. Like I’d mentioned before, do you feel that small disgust or aversion in the pit of your stomach when you see someone you think is gay?

Most people (especially around here…try taking hair like this to the country or the south) are pretty good the way they act after they shake the initial surprise, trying really hard to be polite and tolerant. Then after talking with me and getting to know me a bit they forget altogether about my hair and start considering me a person. I assume that’s how anyone who identifies culturally or sexually different get reactions. There are many biases and prejudices. Like I’d mentioned before, too, it’s been quite the enlightening journey donning these short hair cuts.

It’s just hair…it’s still and will continue to be amazing to me how much value is placed on something that for the most part (not everyone, I know) grows back very quickly. My skin color, my small eyes are all secondary to this blatant display of hair.

The only people at work that can truly not be bothered obviously by my hair choices are my old classmate (I used to have even shorter in school) and my female doctor.

TOOOOZDAY

Snoozeday

ZZZzzzzzzz…

I was having the most wonderful dream too, and then I have to wake up. Wonderful as in exciting, fyi. It involved, Trump, work, an infant, running around this indoor city, escaping down one of those hidden rides inside a hideout only to be caught but still escaping in the last 5 minutes, cars like from Disney’s Cars, a ball throwing contest…man I love dreams like that. And to wake up out of it…why can’t I have dreams like that on the weekends? It was my hope when I woke up that it was a holiday or my week off, but alas…

Cloudless skies! I’m telling you, I think my hunch is correct about there being no food for the birds. We’ve had birds of all sizes come to the deck. Just saw 2 big ravens walking hopefully around. Yesterday I was outside looking at our plants (for some reason this is like PERFECT seed growing weather because they literally pop up overnight) with Liana and this little Chickadee landed right on the railing, chirping loudly at me. I figured it wanted food, so I started distributing from my dwindling birdseed bag, and it didn’t even wait for me to finish before flying right over and grabbing one. I was blown away! Those little birds are seriously sassy and not afraid!

Went to Barnes and Noble on Sunday and maaaan, that book smell that greets you when you first walk in is seriously the best smell. So very soothing and relaxing and inspiring all at the exact same time. I wanted everything, but with my limited moolas, I settled for 2 bargain books. One was a National Geographic how things work book and the other was a journal type of book where they prompt you with 2 sentences of a story and you finish it. OH man. My creative side has been bursting at the seams lately and thriving off the sustenance I’d been denying it. The only problem with reading and being creative again is that I can NOT multitask. At all. I’ve begun to notice that my clumsiness has returned. It had been missing for a long while, and actually my coordination and reaction speeds had been getting better and better the more physical fodder I’ve been giving my body. I just have to be more careful. It’s hard to admit that this lack of creativity stemmed from obtaining a boyfriend. If that wasn’t a red flag already, I don’t know what is. Now, I just sit and marvel at why I waited so long to pick up an actual book that wasn’t manga, or interesting bits of useless information or video game based. That’s the kind of encouragement I want from my significant other, moving forward: one that supports all of my interests. That is a tall order, though, because I have very many and varied interests. Really. It runs the gamut.

Hah…I was just thinking the other day that maybe it is impossible to find someone for me. My thought processes, my interests, my values are so significant and apparently horribly unique, that it’s nigh impossible. I’m sure there are others out there like me, because I have very interesting patients, but the probability two singles would stumble across each other given my lack of social anything is painfully low. The most interesting patients of mine are mostly younger women around my age or guys that are established already. PFFFT. My music just changed to the Wedding March. Funny, life, funny.

My hair is crazy short again. I got a tick embedded in my hip so I started freaking out about them being in my hair. With it this short I can easily monitor now. Plus, I want the shortest hair possible and it was a good excuse, lol. It’s pretty much boy cut. What I really want is a longer buzz cut, but no one wants to do that. Guh.

Recently I started with this horribly addictive app where you get to read and make decisions in these stories. They are M-17 rated, but they are visual novels too. The 17 rating is very soft. Right now I have finished 2 romance genre ones. The first one I read was much better than the second. I don’t usually like romance novels, but maybe I’m in a book kick, so anything is good for me. The first visual novel really pulled me in, though for whatever reason, the female protagonists (yes, these are aimed towards women) are really dumb. They’re well written, though. When I get on these romance kicks, I usually last a few stories before they start getting repetitive and cliché. Then my mind starts analyzing them and why the authors portrayed romance or love a certain way every time. Why every single protagonist seems to be a supermodel and absolutely gorgeous or all know 3 kinds of martial arts but seem to be absolutely worthless when they need to fight. The best part about these types of books, though, is that they usually end up making me want to write my own stories.

Which meeeeeans, that project aowam saw some work last night! I hate writing again after a hiatus because nothing ever sounds like it’s good enough. The words always sound awkward and terrible, but the most important part is getting the ideas down, no matter how rough. Revision is easier.

Slept Well

Whoooooooo! MAN it’s nice to actually sleep well! Magic night guard, I tells ya!

My belly is big again and I just feel plain heavy. That darn doughnut from last week and the bag of gummy bears too!

It’s absolutely gorgeous outside today. Why can’t it be like this on the weekend? Yepp….looks like several weather forecasts agree that the weekend will be rainy. So depressing. Why is life preventing me from selling my house? Makes me wonder.

Just had a thought this morning: if body hair covers parts where the skin is sensitive, thin and prone to friction, with warming, advertising and protective function, then beards were meant for fighting. Have you ever felt a bushy beard before? They’re soft and cushiony. I assume, then, that trying to punch out a guy with a beard is much more difficult than one who doesn’t have one.

In a similar vein, yesterday as I was cleaning up at work, I had the realization that the phrase, “I call shotgun” arose from the age of stagecoaches where the shotgun had to sit next to the driver to gun down bandits. After all these years and I finally get it. D’oh

So yesterday, my co-worker and I were talking about one of her friends who was coming to have his teeth cleaned. She made a face and started telling me his history. I’d seen him a few times in the past and had wrinkled my own nose at the prospect of seeing him again. She said that he was in 5 year relationship with a very controlling girl, then he was single for 6 years and just broke up with his 1 year girlfriend. She was ragging on how and why he couldn’t keep a girlfriend and that perhaps he’s gay? She said that her own friends who meet the guy at a party or event, don’t like him either. He’s a bit of a douche, she said, as the consensus. He did brush me off merely because I have dogs and not puppies when I first met him and he had a puppy and was super “know-it-all.” Said basically that my information about dogs didn’t matter because of that fact. Puppies…dogs…they’re the same….so…I don’t see the difference. Whatever. Being the professional I am,  just changed the subject, but the offense and his lack of reasonability was already clear and my judgement was already made.

Anyways, the point of all this is that it’s amazing how people, society place so much significance on being in a relationship, and all the subsequent baggage and expectation that comes with that. I can’t really fault anyone for having that sentiment, though, because it is prevalent in society, and humanity as a whole. Every single culture expects their children, their people to be in relationships, actively seeking out men or women in order to procreate. It’s human, it’s nature, it’s primal. Then you have me, who sees it all as only an option in life, not a necessity. I go as far as to put myself and those who share this idea on a pedestal, because we are “transcending humanity and nature” by not wishing to procreate or involve in such shenanigans. There are subsequent consequences to this decision, but it’s the sentiment nonetheless. At the same time, I’m not wholly opposed to the idea, as I’m not immune, being female, to the primal/natural allure of babies. Mating and finding that mate is also there too. I continue to struggle with these 2 opposing forces, of yes or no, of why not, and why so?

Looking down on people because they’ve only had 2 girlfriends and “can’t keep them” is…I dunno, to me unfair. I value choice and thought. I agree he’s not the nicest person and the possibility of him being gay is there, which may explain why he’s not a happy person. Heaven knows that they feel the same way about me. I’m a year out and not interested in another relationship currently if ever. My family asks, friends wonder, patients ask too. Why the worry? Why the care? Beh.

Running out of time, but homosexuality, while becoming more accepted, is still a debate topic. Think about your views on it. Many are accepting, now, but isn’t there still a bit of, uhhhhh, going on inside you? An unease, a misgiving? Think about it, though, and don’t lie to yourself. Now, think about why you feel that way. I feel like the weirdness feeling really comes about from the same place as that drive to find mates and procreate and then think poorly about those who won’t/can’t find a bf, or gf as well as looking way down on virginity. If you notice, men seem to be either accepting, or more prevalently, completely weirded out, almost grossed out about gayness.

It all boils down to that natural drive to produce babies. It’s bred in you, made in you, and anything outside that seems to defy nature and induce, well, fear. It’s strange, different, and doesn’t make natural sense.

Great, now I’m super late.

Tuesday again!

I woke up late because I woke up early. Every day now, my body naturally gets up between 5 and 6am. I’m up with the sun and when it’s up, there I am too. It messes with the way we have our times set up here, so I end up doing the nap-wakeupchecktime-nap-repeat until I oversleep by accident. Like this morning. I think instead I’m going to keep a book by my bedside and just get up and read it when I feel that I can no longer sleep.

I’ve been oddly itchy since yesterday, and I’m not sure why. No welts, no hives, just randomly itchy like I’ve eaten something I’m allergic to. My biggest fear is that I’ve indeed been bitten by a tick and didn’t know it. Maybe something in the house??

Another gorgeous day! I hadn’t been paying attention to the weather at all because it has been awfully rainy and depressing. I stayed inside yesterday when I should have been outside! This morning is just like it! Not summerlike at all: clear blue skies, cool, and sunny. The birds and squirrels are out in full force. I swear it’s the spring we’ve missed for the year, just gotten to us now in June! Maybe that explains why I’ve been getting up so early. That happens only in Springtime. Summer usually has been sleeping in late from the heat.

Liana has been depressed lately, and so has Gable…have I been doing something wrong? So I went and bought birdseed yesterday to try and attract squirrels to the deck and make her excited again. Also, I figure that with all of the rain drowning everything, there are only an abundance of mushrooms, not seeds or ever bugs. Apparently I guessed right because even the big birds (jays and some black birds that aren’t usually around here) are on the deck looking for food. They’ve been eagerly eating up the grape offerings my mom has left out. Gobble them up almost instantly. I’m glad to see my girl happy again, and when she’s happy, Gable is too. I left the bathroom this morning to see his giant penguin in the hallway. He hasn’t been playing with his toys much either of late. Maybe the rain gets all of us, not just the humans?

My anthology of the end of the world has been very very interesting. I finished this crazy one called “The Feast of St. Janis” where the ending was nuts. Now I’ve started one where The  Wheel is considered sacrilegious and dangerous–the work of the Devil–to the point where you will be placed in Inquisition and a confession forced out of you. I think I can see what the ending/reasoning is going to be like, but I’m eager to find out.

I’ve noticed my brain, language and such have increased sharply after just reading this one book I’m enjoying so much. How did I go for so long without reading? And what influences have prevented me from it? I need to be around the right people, methinks. Keep the mind spry!

Out of time.

Eep

I don’t take naps. If I do, it’s because I’m either sick, 1st day at the beach, or haven’t been getting much sleep. What happens if I do nap? I end up with a terrible headache and ridiculous, almost-real dreams, which then make me super cranky for the rest of the day. Yesterday (Saturday), I was doing the usual gaming (Phoenix Wright Spirit of Justice, 3DS) when about 2 hours in, I started feeling weird: nauseous, sleepy, and out of sorts. I aimlessly wandered around for a bit before I realized that I just did not feel well. 1:30pm came and I could not shake the feeling, so I decided to take a nap on the couch even though I was well aware of the consequences of napping. Come 5pm, Gable running down the stairs, loud thunderstorms and the phone going off (all in the span of 5 minutes), I wake up. No headache, no super realistic dreams, just groggy, and a little bit negative dream. Uh oh. That means that I must be sick. Cue the coughs, the difficulty breathing, and sneezing. On top of the ill-feeling effects, I usually dislike wasting a day of living (you can argue that gaming is wasting too, but I disagree with that wholeheartedly, or most-heartedly). The thought crossed my mind, but given how much better I was feeling (I hadn’t even eaten breakfast, really)…it was worth it.

Such dreary weather. I feel like I should be growing fungi on my body. Sigh. Great type of weather to feel depressed. Like nothing in my life is good enough.

I got a new phone! The LG G7. I’ve been on the series of LG Gs and I’m not stopping now! T-Mobile is trying to slowly and not-so-sneakily get rid of the old Jump! On Demand people, but I’ll keep riding it until they ditch me altogether.

Hmm. I’m looking exceptionally tan wearing this tie-dye, in the light of the cloudy morning, my quilt and the light from my laptop.

I’m feeling the creative push again, and I’m my mind I’ve been forming, wondering, planning what my next project will be. Should I go for the Fire Emblem I’ve always wanted to do? Actually fix/finish the Samus one? Go for Link? State of Decay would be really easy to cosplay. Or do I want to go for making a figurine? Well whatever it is, it needs to be affordable because I literally have no money to spend on anything extraneous. I’m already stressing over the fact that Liana has a check-up due in the next 2 weeks and that Gable might have to come in for another UTI check.

I keep saying, thinking, and telling myself that it’ll all be solved once the other house sells, but I’m terrified I won’t be able to sell it as easily as I keep thinking. It really is one of the smallest houses in the neighborhood, and no interior upgrades to the flooring. Little things that cause me anxiety.

Oh man….

rain rain rain and more rain

There are just no chances for me to do much of anything for the next several weeks here. WHY

Yesterday was a bit of an interesting day. I forgot to shampoo my hair, then I forgot both my watch and my phone at home. Dust levels were quite high which meant I was a bit lightheaded from sinuses. Work was consistent with a Thursday, but I still managed to shoot out, and I’m glad I ran so fast because I ended up stuck in a torrential downpour in the middle of traffic in the last legs of my journey. Inching along in bumper to bumper traffic and still requiring the fastest wiper setting? Ya. Unfortunately for me, I was also stuck behind a fool who refused to turn on their headlights the whole time, so I wasn’t even sure where he/she was (the car was small and gray–like dark clouds gray–in a downpour). I was busy zooming around like a fool, myself, annoyed at everyone driving SO SLOWLY, but simultaneously understanding the reason why they were. I have to say that my tires have amazing grip in rain. I am very impressed. Heck, we’ve had so much rain lately, I’ve gotten a good run out of them. And of course, I get home, it’s still pouring, the dogs demand to go on a walk, despite me already letting them out to pee, so I suit myself up, them up and go outside only to find that the rain has passed on. Sigh. Every time.

Humidity all the time…so many mushrooms, so much mold.

It’s Friday, yo!

One of my favorite patients asked me about my boyfriend yesterday, and then Facebook showed me a post I posted about him last year. I told my patient that I haven’t had a bf in over a year now, and he said that I sound like I’m happy about that. That gave me pause, a bit, but she’s right. I am acting like I’m happy again, like I’m free, light, and no stresses, no expectations. My job doesn’t suffer, and I’m generally a much happier person to be around. I told her that I was sad afterwards, of course, but hindsight is all-seeing and I’m happily single now. That statement is mostly truth, but I still can’t escape that unsaid expectation everyone still has for me, and honestly, I might have for myself. My friend/co-worker discussed with me that they were thinking of trying for a baby already–remember the friend that I feel is rushing too much to get married and start a family–and while I’m happy for them and did all I could to offer good advice, that sadness came about again. That societal void that I’ve been cast into, a single woman, of child-bearing, family-starting age. Heck I should’ve started 4 years ago! I will be the only one at work after this year with no family, spouse or kids.

Wow, that’s depressing to think about.

Makes me really have to think about what I want in life. About my future.