Doing Stuff

Last week was spring break! Not for me, but I reap the benefits of school breaks because traffic is light, the patients are easy (mostly kids), and there’s a general feeling of happiness in the air. Plus with Easter (though, honestly, holidays don’t get me as riled up as they used to. Now it’s just another day)…happiness! Positivity!

A tornado touched down not too far from here on Friday. Then Saturday I took the dogs down for what was the official last time they’d be there. Liana did very well! Much better than I thought she would. She even lay down all by herself in the shade in the grass almost instantly and would not get up. Really: nothing makes her happier than to commune with nature, put her head in the grass, feel the breeze, smell the air, hear the birds… I’m so very sad I couldn’t give her this every day. By the time they got home, both dogs were totally pooped out and slept for about 2 days.

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Happy girl

Liana’s leg stopped puffing up on Sunday. I can’t figure out if it keeps inflaming like that because she doesn’t move or because she keeps falling. No matter, because after the trip, or lying in the grass, or the lack of inflammation or whatever, Liana was feeling very good and ended up roaching all by herself Sunday night! It almost made me cry because she hadn’t been able to do that for months! My stubborn, STUBBORN, old lady who doesn’t want your help but needs it now…

You can see her bad leg sticking straight up because it can no longer bend

In other greyhound news, there’s a black greyhound boy who needs a new home yet again. He’s been rehomed to 3 homes already and needs yet another because they deem him dangerous. THAT is the type of dog I want. My favorite are the ones that need rehabilitation. I don’t know him aside from the fact that he’s nipped and bitten people and right away I’m thinking that’s the male version of my girl: alpha, very high energy, and very untrusting of people. Unfortunately, I can’t take him. I have neither the space now, nor the finances, nor a free space in my pack. Mine are 11 year olds. He’s a 4. It’s a bad idea to put old with young, especially if the energy is wrong. And then I thought about it some more, and I harder case like his, if it’s like Liana’s case, needs another dog–one that trusts the human owner–who knows the rules, is chill and can help gain the trust of the troubled dog since it won’t trust a human for a while.

Sigh.

Anyways, back to the weekend! When we got home, I left again to visit J’s kitties! The friendlier of the two came down first, while the gray one peered down at me from the top of the stairs, but eventually he remembered me! The black one was too new the last time I saw him, so he had no recollection, but the gray one did and I was soooooo happpppyyy that he did. He even wanted me to play with his bee toy just like he did when I came over more often to feed him. The black one was hiding a lot more from me, like, uhhhhhh who you? Then of course we were best friends when it came to food.

Sunday was Easter mass and then cooking. Just us this year and another happiness: I’d never made a prime rib before and DUDE it came out so well! I couldn’t be more proud of it. Roast beast! Then I took advantage of the nice weather to finish cleaning the deck (got tired half of the way). Soon it was time to walk the dogs again and before I knew it the day was over and I was super tired.

Slept in a little on Monday. Paid bills. Got depressed. Usual grocery shopping and gas. Then I spent the next 2 hours starting the first half of staining the deck! I had to take advantage of the clear, dry weather. Only had enough stain for half of the deck anyways. THe sun is WARM without the tree there. Major difference. 72 hour cure before I can move the stuff to that side and buy another can for the rest of the deck. Works out, anyways, because that will take me to the weekend. Chilled and then it was Soul Calibur VI for the rest of the afternoon until it was time for dinner. Tried to watch all of Live Rescue’s premier on TV but it was super boring as I suspected, and it never cut to the department my patient is in.

This weekend is U-Haul weekend! I hope I manage to reserve the right truck. I decided to move everything up from the basement because I know that with all the hauling, no one’s going to want to carry heavy things up from the basement. Getting there! This is the most crucial step because after the U-Haul, we’ll be able to finalize the layout of the storage unit and everything else.

I’m ready for it. I’m ready to get the ball rolling and pay off all my debts and such. There was the second-guessing with my girl and the yard, but I need to do this. Prepare the home. Sell. Save up money. Then buy when I’m ready.

It’s not like I’m going to be able to sell next week, but I’ll be super relieved when the U-Haul part is done. The house needs minor repairs and cleaning and all that. I really hope we can step it up and get it all done within the next month.

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Spooky

You know how I have particular views on ghosts and spirits? How I believe some people attract them, or really, are more attuned to them and can be spiritual gateways? And that those people need to be spiritually stable and strong, lest a spirit with mal-intent overpower and pass through that gate?

Well, I have a confession to make: I have not been attending regular mass. I have been bringing my mom, but I usually just sit in the car now and wait for her. I went to Christmas mass and will go to Easter mass. It’s just that I can’t stand one of the priests (and ironically, the few times I actually go it’s ALWAYS him) because he’s so righteous and the stuff he says are so ignorant, incensing and he yells all of it at the top of his lungs. I’m not sure why some people think the pulpit is for extoling the virtues of fear and hate instead of love like Christianity is. Not just what he says, either, it’s his demeanor in general: preening and attention-seeking all masking a lacking low self-esteem. He reminds me tremendously of idiot at work. Just that one priest, though. I mean, too, that it’s not enough for one priest to stop me, but he’s a big reason. The other is that it’s just too hard to get excited about my own religion in this area. There’s no community here, and maybe it’s just how it is around here, but I feel like no one else wants to be there either. When I was growing up, that was community. People came, everyone got to know each other, we talked, no one wanted to leave, community events were big. No matter how weird the priest was or if he droned on and on, it didn’t matter because the community mattered. Then again, the region itself was much more friendly towards church in general. Around here, there are lots of people who attend church, but it’s almost like a secret. You have to pry it from folks. Where I come from most kids did stuff at church. It was a normal event. No one was afraid to say it even if we were all part of different denominations. And, really, different denominations would attend church functions at another denomination.

Anyways, it all comes back to the spirits. I’ve noticed that ever since I stopped regularly attending mass, that I’ve been getting more and more dreams about ghosts. In reference to them. Their physical presence. Etc. I’ve dreamed about them before, nothing new about that. The bothersome part is that…they’re growing stronger in my dreams. Instead of just being a passing image or idea, they’re becoming part of the dream. The most recent ghost dream saw them actually performing ghostly things: possessing my character, making them do something, and then when I try to fight back (i.e. ripping up the paper and throwing it into the trash) they wait until my back is turned and take the paper out of the trashcan again. Enough to make dream me a bit scared. I think there was one a few weeks back where they were asking to come in, to come over. I was able to get rid of that.

The thing with spirits and if you’re prone to them, I believe, is that you have to be strong. You can NOT be scared. They want you scared because it powers them up. Rage doesn’t work either because that’s also a negative emotion. That’s why usual ghost activity starts as little things: doors randomly opening, noises, voices. Stuff that starts the chill and the fear. And then it escalates.

It’s just interesting to me that my church hiatus and perhaps with that hiatus is a spiritual weakness/confusion/tenuous streak, is encouraging the activity to the point where I am noticing it. I do notice myself feeling negative more often. Like my defenses are down and they’re coming in to take advantage of it. huh. I used to call my baby girl a dream protector. Whenever I’d wake up from an intense dream, she’d be there. But now she’s old and tired. Maybe it doesn’t help that I’m sad and depressed about her situation too.

Huh. Let’s see how it all turns out.

Past Weekend

What did I do this past weekend? Saturday was a confusion of what to do. I’d planned on and priced out a U-Haul, but at the last minute, I decided against it. One, my girl’s bad leg was so inflamed I was afraid I’d need to take her to the bet, and two, I remembered that it was the first day of Spring Break! Bad drivers galore! I’m really glad I decided against it because we took a rare trip to Eden Center and WOW bad drivers! I was super stoked to be going there because we never do and I’d really really wanted to go to Fortune. Korean markets are just not good enough for some of the stuff I wanted. It has to be Chinese! We went bonkers buying things because, well, the next time we go it’ll be like another 3 years. Awesome. Came home and I lay on the couch playing phone games.

Sunday…. I spent an hour and a half putting my new big girl bike seat on my bike and then adjusting everything else. Didn’t get to ride much and just as well because by the time I was done it was past 10am. I have to invest in handlebar bag because my little underseat bag won’t work now with the massive seat. Then I was annoyed because I had woken with awful stomach issues and then I couldn’t play video games because the TV was taken, so I took to drawing and writing. There was one short story (and actual short story!) that had been plaguing my mind for days on end. THe one I wrote in my prompt book wasn’t good enough, so I quickly typed up the ones I’d done already, skipped one and then went to town typing the target one up. When I was finally done, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. My mind gets like that. It’s got to come out. That’s part of the reason I have a dream blog or any blog, really. Then I watched the last live-action Resident Evil movie in the series on TV. It was so bad, but I really liked it (I’m a super sucker for bad action movies).

Monday, I took over the TV and spent ALL DAY playing video games, only stopping in the middle to perform the first lawn mowing of the season. Grass always looks stupendous after that. Springtime sees my grass super green and lush. Envy lawn of the street. Hehe. I’m always proud of that, even if there are clovers all over it too. That night I had an awful headache and went to sleep early as I was feeling under the weather.

When I look at my “short stories” I’m a bit embarrassed at their subject matter. Oh well. I can’t help how I think. My goal is to vary them and varied they are. I’ve noticed that since I’m running out of ideas, I’m starting to use dream material in them. I tell you, my dreams are better than the stuff they come up with in Hollywood. I can’t make them up either.

My Baby…

As the days progress, more and more I’m noticing that Liana is doing just a little worse. She’s such a trooper, she’s adaptive and tough, but this progressive pain is just not getting better for her despite medications. Walks are shorter and shorter. She’s getting skinnier and skinnier. She refuses to lay on the deck now. Her eating is mostly sporadic, but she eats and wants to eat. The suspicion is that there’s something more systemic eating away at her and not just her hip and leg, but I think she’s just old. The other day she fell and her bad leg swelled up to double the normal size. I think her circulation is very bad in that leg, but after 2 days of massaging it for her it went down. She’s mostly dragging her foot around on walks and it will bleed. She can only walk in grass and she spends most of the walk smelling things (not that much different). She can’t walk far anymore.

Gable is very patient, but I feel bad that he’s limited to her limitations. It’s ok, he’s old too and gets tired easily, so sometimes I walk them separately. They both like and hate that, but I simply don’t have the time or helper to do that every day. Sometimes my mom will help me walk them, but I’ve noticed that Liana is terrified that I’ll abandon her. I understand that in the dog world a liability like her is not fit to live and the pack has every right to leave  her behind, but I won’t do that. It’s her greatest fear, however, sensitive to her own weaknesses.

My greatest fear is not being able to know when she’s ready to go–to she’s so tough that she’ll hang on to the last thread and that I’ll need to make that decision. Food just doesn’t interest her like it used to and honestly at this point food and walking are her only reasons for living. That and the baby. She loves him. He loves them, especially Liana. “-iana” and “-able” are some of the few words he will say.

I’m not afraid to let her go. I know she won’t be in pain anymore. But knowing and doing are 2 very different things. The fear isn’t there, but the grief will be nonetheless. Better her before him, though.

I keep thinking that if this were Gable instead, that I’d have had to put him down long ago. He’s not like her, he’s not crazy tough, nor super adaptable. He’s not as stubborn as a rock. He wouldn’t let me help him like she’s had to let me help her. She has a quiet strength that doesn’t complain unless it’s unbearable. She keeps trudging along with that inner fire that wants to live, no matter what.

That stubbornness is exactly what kills me. Girl, you gotta throw me a bone.

Like I said before, though, there is a noticeable decline in her. Instead of U-haul, I’m planning on taking them down South one last time. I hope the weather is nice so that she can lay in the grass again.  Well. It looks like it’s supposed to rain. Of course. Every Saturday. Every weekend. Doesn’t matter. This Saturday is all for them.

 

Just a Memory

I waz talking to my coworker yesterday, recounting a tidbit about my ex that I never told anyone out loud. I’d always only said good things about him to people. All in all he’s pretty much a hero: a military veteran and now a firefighter, always putting his on life on the line for others.

I’m lying here and randomly recall what he told me when I asked him his view on his Christian roots. It was super hard to get him to open up about deep things like that about himself, like he never wanted to face himself…never wanted to see his own reflection (he hated pictures of himself). One time, about towards the end, I pushed him hard enough about it. In the beginning he said he was Christian and he grew up on Veggie Tales, etc, and he always implied that he’d like to embrace the spirtual side of him. That was one of the reasons I’d chosen him over the others: I wanted someone who wasn’t overly religious but wasn’t far from their Christianity either–someone who could help me stay solid in my own spirtual journey. At the end when I pushed him, he told me he only needed to be religious when he was afraid to die in the army but now he doesn’t need it so he wants nothing to do with it.

I remember feeling like a knife had been stabbed into me. I think that was just one more nail in the coffin of our relationship.

Now that it’s been long over, it occurred to me after opening up to my coworker about him yesterday (on a different subject, but similar in nature…hindsight is so clear) that he treated me the same way as he treated his own spiritual journey. He needed me in the beginning. He’d told me that I saved him from crippling depression and that I likely saved his life. He then proceeded to use me until he didn’t need me anymore, ie. he established a career and no longer need my support.

I was useful when needed but the usefulness has faded, why bother? But. Never had the guts to say it himself.

That relationship was all me. It’s hard to swallow that I was dating a parasite who gave him my everything and received so little in return.

Well. I also realize that it’s all karma for thinking that it’s better to have the other love you more than you love them. Touche.

I guess what I should do now is turn around and apply that same principle to myself: how do I view and approach my own spiritual journey? I’m hardly a saint. Not even close. Do I use it only when I feel sad or when I need something? Or is it a give and take, focusing on the give?

Funny how random stuff like this pops up sometimes when I feel like I’m happy in my life.

Weekend Post

Wow, when was the last time I updated? Have I been busy? Not really. Just not in need to blog posting, so that’s a good thing, I guess. Depressive times tend to call for more depressing posting. The house selling thing is not going well because I spent the last 2 weeks on vacation from doing anything down there. Last week…I spent it playing Assassin’s Creed Odyssey mostly. This weekend I had 4 days instead of 3 and made good use of it. My Friday was busy with toting my mom and grandparents to their hair appointment and taking the time to bring them to the grocery store. I was on my best behavior when they were in the car, I’m proud of myself. My grandpa really needs a lot of help getting in and out. He’s very very slow, but just a little patience helps. I ended up buying lots of dog treats. Figures every time I’m actually around food stores that I can’t eat meat. Ugh. I did end up finally going to Freddy’s for just 2 orders of fries to go but after 20 minutes of waiting they finally gave me the order–just for eat-in. My receipt said carryout and theirs said Dine-in. She gave me a bag to put them in myself (they were super frazzled and swamped) and since the place was so full, I had to just put them in myself, blocking the way. Oh well. I got my fries and they were fresh, hot and good. Not only that, but if you order Dine-in, you get 1/3 more fries than if you ordered carryout.

That Saturday was shopping. I decided not to go South because my super leg-day workout from Wednesday was STILL hurting. We went to BJ’s, but by the time we were done, we were supposed to go to Lowes for mulch sale so I could finish up the front yard, but it was so filled with people I was like, absolutely not. We ended up going later which was much much better. I’m telling you, my strong aversion to large crowds is not a made-up construct. It’s real and I start getting an anxiety. I don’t mind it at first, but after a few hours of it, I am DONE and just need to extricate myself from it all.

Sunday, I was supposed to do the front yard, but I decided not to, since my muscles were reeling a bit from the super heavy Garden Soil bags from BJs and even still recovering from the mulch bags the week before + leg day. Instead, I was convinced to start the deck cleaning process. FINALLY. After like 2-3 years of bad weather. It was all great until I remembered that my multi-sprayer was busted. That made it all super slow and I only was able to really get 1/4 of the deck cleaned. The railing I’m most proud of because it now looks like wood!! I’d thought all the stuff up top was just weathering, but it turns out it was mostly mold and algae!! The crazy part was getting the cleaning solution on it, letting it soak, and then scrubbing with a brush. The slurry that was produced was this awful green-brown, thick liquid that I could scoop up and hold in my hand. Almost solid. I wish I could’ve cleaned the rest of it (I hate leaving things undone) but the stupid sprayer. And then, of course, it rained. OF COURSE. That has been the problem I’d been having for the last few years, because the cleaner needs dry wood and then that has to dry for at least 24 hours before I put the sealer one. Getting consecutive days like that is hard. Cleaned the green goo off my body and vegged out.

Monday. Spent the morning spreading dirt and mulch and messed up a nice pair of jeans with mulch stains. More muscle conditioning. Amended tax return send-off day. Spent 30 minutes trying to figure out exactly what is necessary to send them off. UPS return day. Head to USPS to get it sent certified. Thank goodness it wasn’t too crowded. Then to the Dollar Tree and got a bunch of candy. THey have the best selection and only for $1!! Then now to Wa-Mart for Gable diaper pads and a sprayer. Made it to the new Homesense store and found a Corgi statue which I planned to plop on my neighbor’s porch without them knowing. They have a cute little Corgi puppy. I love pulling off pranks like that. Pranks that no one loses from. Got my Chickfila!! (Oh man, don’t remind me about the Door Dash/Chickfila thing. Got my complaints in even if the response was annoying). More vegging.

Now my muscles are killing me again, but my legs are asking for attention.

When to do the U-Haul thing… eager to get it all done with. I am bleeding money so badly.

Moon-day again

I took a break this past weekend from going South to grab more things. Maybe I’m old, but traveling like that every weekend is just too much for me. It’s tiring and I wanted a weekend where my car gets to rest, and more importantly, I get to rest. Maybe not just old. Introverted and lazy too. What did I do then? I spent both Saturday and Sunday binge-playing Assassin’s Creed Odyssey. I suffer from AC addiction. After a short while of not playing it, I have an overwhelming desire to climb a wall and air-assassinate someone. Anyways, I vegged out so much and was so rested, that Sunday night I could not sleep AT ALL. So much for getting rested, huh? My body, which is now very much fit and used to physical exertion to maintain it (still got a pooch, but the rest of me is healthy) was protesting my serious inactivity by not allowing me sleep. My brain, too, was rebelling (video games are better than TV shows and movies for brain function, but they still dictate visuals, sounds and to an extent, plot). Both brain and body restlessness pushed me into serious brainstorming. Can’t sleep, so write. It’s not so bad, I guess.

That meant that I needed to make up for it all on Monday, so yesterday we went to Lowes to pick up a few things in the mulch sale. Mulch, soil and a few clearance plants to plant too. Oh, that reminds me to send feedback to the store about their poor outside working conditions. Pick up mulch, push mulch, load mulch, unload mulch, dig holes, move mulch from upstairs to downstairs, plant plants, spread mulch. While I was impressed and proud that my upper body did NOT find the bags to be as heavy as in the past (just last year for comparison!), my lower body is lacking in comparable strength. It is very nice to see the fruition of your physical conditioning efforts. That’s the only way that I’ll continue to do it. And I’m telling you, yardwork is the number 1 best way for me to keep in shape. To apply my indoor workouts. Otherwise, what’s it for besides good health? That’s a great goal, but intangible, and let’s face it: intangibility is the fastest way to drop my workout discipline. Still proud though and surprisingly not in pain today, though I’ve really started to find that what my patient told me once was true: as you get older, it’s not the first day after, it’s the 2nd.

Haha, speaking of which, E at work the other day put her hands on my shoulders to squeeze behind me because I was blocking the path with my big self, and commented, “Wow! You’re so dense!!” Haha. It’s true. You don’t know until you touch me and I don’t usually like being touched.

Ugh. I hate traffic. It’s always a bad thing to get alerts on a Tuesday about accidents and delays. While I was walking the pooches the other day, I heard a *pow* and a *screech* and turned around to see an accident at the 4-way stop. Of course, that meant I had to turn around and walk that way to be the pro snoop that I am. My dogs were like, what?? why are turning around?? Liana was so slow I couldn’t get there fast, but it worked out because her handicap makes it so I can walk slowly by without appearing weird. ^^

She’s impossible to feed again. I feel awful but I can’t do anything about it. And Gable’s incontinence is really heating up. I tried to order dog diapers, but they were too small. Can you believe returning stuff to Amazon now costs $6??? I was like, WHAT??? Ugh. At least I got some money back.

Uh oh, gotta hurry. My battery is draining something quick! Maybe I should get a new battery because otherwise, this laptop is still faithfully going strong.