Friday!

Finally. I thought it was Friday since Wednesday. Never a good sign. Traffic has been terrible all week long. It’s the super slow grandmas mixed with the impatient work commuters and added roadwork on top of it all. Perfect recipe for disasters and car wrecks. Thank Goodness coming home yesterday was a relative breeze. Man. That’s the only reason I like summer around here. Because of the low traffic, I decided to stop by Giant to pick up some tomatoes and managed to run into my friend! Small world. Well, she lives less than 10 minutes down the road from me, but still. Nice to see her for a little even if I was in a hurry to get home to my pups. How come whenever I see people after they’re married they always look so much older? The burden of commitment? Soul-binding contract?

So then I continue on my way and a bag of shredded lettuce falls down. I decide it’s fate and that I was going to have tacos. I do NOT recommend the super stuffer shells from Old El Paso by the way (I’ve been eating their crispy shells for years). They are just way too thick to enjoy. I’m disappointed. It ends up working really well because Liana actually ate all of her food. I guess they’re old and like the burn of spice. Not too spicy, though, as I’ve learned.

After watching that 600lb show yesterday I was super gung ho about working out last night. I’ve been extremely lazy about doing a proper workout for about a month now, so last night was a light version of what I’d been doing. Oh. My. Gosh. I am horribly out of shape in the endurance department–both muscle and cardiovascular-wise. Strength was even bad last night. Sometimes that happens to me, where I feel like I’m not getting enough oxygen to my muscles and they’re fatigued. Need to open up those vessels again. I keep inflating and deflating, even apart from workouts. Right now I fit in my clothes again, and then soon I won’t. And it repeats.

I’m sad that I’m too poor to even buy games on sale. The list keeps growing, but I’ve been holding back to help salvage my finances. It’s been said before by me: I keep feeling like I’m holding back in so many aspects of my life–like I’m fettered. Handicapped and forced to rein in my true potential. It’s always been like that and with money to blame. The only time I didn’t hold it back, it didn’t go well and that ended up a pile of spent ashes. In light of the recent deaths in my life, it’s just not a good way to have to live. Imagine if I had to die tomorrow. There isn’t too much I’d regret, but…well…maybe in death I can finally unfurl these wings and let loose. hah! Maybe there’s a reason why I can’t! It would be too intense for this world! Hahahaha! I’ve certainly been accused of being way too intense before. People can’t handle what I truly am, so I hold back as to not scare everyone I care about.

Hmm. Maybe even I don’t know what it would be like to break forth from the chains of control in all aspects of my life. Anger and Love I’ve seen at their close to full extent. Huh. I wonder what kind of wings I have? Demon? Angel? Bird???? METAL????

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Yawn

I don’t know why but pimples are popping up all over the place on me at the wrong time of the month! I assume it has something to do with the heat, but still annoying.

Another gorgeous looking day today. The dogs didn’t want to end the walk today, and Liana is back on food strike after 2 glorious weeks of both dogs being wonderful! Sigh.

Yesterday felt like a Friday and I am rather upset that today is Thursday. I was so spoiled having been Idiot free for 2 whole weeks, that yesterday was a stark reminder of it. I was being so positive too! Ugh.

I watched some 600 lb. Life episodes yesterday, followed by Dr. Pimple Popper on TLC and first off, was reminded why I don’t enjoy watching shows on TLC (among other channels…ie they are forced to “cause drama” and look a certain way) and secondly, how much I enjoy biology stuff in general.

Also, I went to weigh myself afterwards and now I’m depressed. I’m at an all-time high on weight, even though I feel good. I know my belly and thighs could use some slimming down, moreso my belly, but I’m feeling good right now. I can run up the stairs without feeling my legs burn and cramp and I feel stronger than I’ve ever felt. The only problem I’m running to right now is a lower back pain that I’ve found is from lying on the couch for too long. I feel the drive to go do something, but I feel stuck again given that my dogs are too old to do any trail walk longer than 30 minutes. I’ve given some more thought to joining a gym, but I really don’t need any more bills at this point. The debt just keeps piling up and I can’t seem to make a dent in it before vet bills, HOA fees, car stuff, etc pop up again to take its place. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been trying hard for the majority of the year to not spend money but that means that I literally sit inside the house and do nothing. It’s been driving me insane. And the reality of it is that I have to spend money because the major source of my financial void is my house that I don’t live in and have spent at most 3-6 months in over the 5 years I’ve owned it. It’s impossible to make headway into selling it with the weather getting in my way. What’s more important? Doing the fence or my health in 90+ heat? Not to mention, like the bills, the weeds just keep coming back. And anytime I have time off to go get stuff done, other things happen and I don’t have the opportunity to do it. Just like the next break coming up. I can’t pay to go on vacation. The cherry on top of it all is that my brother is basically living in the house. First, my sister, then my brother. What will he do when I no longer have it? Obviously living at home is driving him crazy, but he doesn’t want to take the next step? Then, even after I sell it, I’ve told my mom that I will buy her a new car before she no longer is able to drive, but the more I look at the numbers the more pressure I feel about not spending so much money on that. Sellers pay both realtors. Then I have the lapse in taxes to deal with and trying to buy in a more expensive market. It’s quite a burden!

I want so badly to be in my own place, and it’s so disheartening to know that fate has other plans for you. Yes, I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others, but can’t help it. Those my age are all living their lives right now. They’ve been on their own for years, gotten married, had kids. I’ve been stuck basically caring for my family and I don’t see that changing in the future. How did I land this burden? Will I be able to live my life? It’s so tangled up in my family. People give me “advice” to travel while I’m young, to forget my family and go do things I want, but I can’t. It’s just not so easy, you know? And who the hell will I travel with, hmm? Whom? Who will take care of my dogs? There is no one reliable enough to do it. It’s so depressing to think about, I pretend there isn’t a problem.

Also

Forgot to mention that while preparing pork ribs to cook yesterday I discovered what was clearly a tumor. Figures it’s the one time I didn’t take a picture, but it could have been nothing else. It was encapsulated, and full of uneven, bumpy tissue. Found it nestled in and surrounded by adipose tissue. Even had it’s own blood supply. All in all very neato and now I’m kicking myself for not neither taking a picture nor dissecting it.

Bleh

I should be paying bills right now, but it’s too depressing. Maybe I’ll do it tomorrow or tonight.

It’s Tuesday again! Man, fresh mozzarella in lasagna is the BEST. Just not the best for my colon. At least it’s not like the pickle fiasco I had at work last Friday…

My weekend was relaxing. I got to sleep so much which I’ve been struggling with for the last week. I’m currently waking up at proper times again and am not feeling like I have mono or something bad. Though, at this point it could also be West Nile or some other mosquito borne thing because I have so. Many. Bites. All scratched and scabbed up.

I’ve moved on to a different romance book app/”game” thing. The other one I’ve read all the good books for. Only the stupid ones remain. I don’t know why I’m suddenly into romance stories? Anyways, this one is ridiculous how long it takes to get tickets for vs how many stories are provided. I decided, contrary to what I’ve mentioned in the past, to go for a girl on girl romance in one of the books. I’ve also started a hetero one, but I’ve gone the farthest on the yuri one. The first “season” (there are 3) of stories for this set was very interesting. The romance target is a cold, ice queen who is direct and to the point. She’s asian too which already skewed my judgement. You, have to try and win her over because you fell in love with her as one of 6 stranded hot people, shipwrecked on a mysterious and tropical island–although, in my opinion, they don’t so much love each other and lust each other. Anyways, the first season was very compelling and I couldn’t put it down despite all the cliche-ness of it all. Survival tribulations plus teasing emotions out from an icy doctor was great. And, it was really, very well written. Now, unfortunately, I’m on season 2. Ice queen has been won over and now interject a competing love interest! Also a doctor! BUT: a holistic doctor. Wut wut! Science vs. hogwash. Except now, ice queen is completely melted and no longer is it a fight because she’s cast aside her demeanor for lesbian sex like every single night. Even day. To the point where I roll my eyes every time. Holy crap. C’mon people!!

Now it’s just plain annoying. I only want to finish the story because I want to see if they get off the island, but this jealousy, lust thing is irritating. No longer is the icy doctor cool enough in my eyes because she’s just open and 100% lacking inhibition. A complete 180 from the first season. What the heck. Not even a fight. Like she’s a different character altogether. I had much higher expectations for cool, calm collected asian doctor. Geez.

Actually, this same thing happened in the original set of romance novels. I love it because the fight is on, but then after that it’s not interesting anymore. These supposedly standoffish and prude people are just no longer like that. A complete 180. Boooring. No consistency!

Haha. I guess I shouldn’t rag too much because I guess real relationships can be like that.

Oh man, way late today!

Ha ha ha…

One of my co-workers is getting married tomorrow, so she only worked a half day and is off of work today too. A few of us got together to give her a gift and a card. I was super proud of myself for coming up with a small poem on the fly and was excited to give it to her. She was reading it and then looked confused and it took me until this morning to realize exactly why she was confused. Here is what it said (roughly):

I wish you love,
I say congrats,
Like a glove,
Like nice hats,
You fit like glue
No longer one but two.

While the last line could use some work, I used pen and could not change it on the fly, so I just went with it and was proud. This morning it occurred to me that the last line not only didn’t match the others, but implied they were splitting up. OMG. I think she knew what I meant, that she was no longer alone but together, but good grief!! Face palm, face palm, face palm!!

So of course as I’m thinking about this in the shower, I’m trying to come up with different iterations of it to make it better.

I wish you love,
I say congrats!
Like a glove,
Like nice hats,
You fit, you do!
Woohoo, you two!!

or

I wish you love,
I say congrats,
Like a glove,
Like nice hats,
You fit oh-so rightly
May your union shine brightly

I guess maybe I should’ve invested more time into it. Thankfully, she gets what I meant to say, I think. This brain of mine is ridiculous sometimes the way it thinks. So weird!!

Geez.

It’s FRIDAY Y’ALL! I can’t wait to sleep in tomorrow. I never sleep in, really, but I feel so awful tired this week…it’s probably the allergies, but I can’t help but think that I’ve come down with something that’s made me so unbelievably sleepy.

Really happy to be able to have 2 days where I come home and it’s just me and the dogs. They were both being really clingy yesterday which worries me. They’re both fine today, though.

My smutty short story that I’ve revisited after these years is still coming along. I can’t decide on the ending (still!) so currently, I’m working through revisions and editing the flow. The trick is to do something else and come back to it later. The latest short story from the prompt book has to do with zombies and I have this whole brain workup about zombies. No time today to run through the brainstorm on that, but hopefully in the future!

Tuesday

Here I am! It’s time to go back to work! The weird part is that I’ve been feeling like I needed to go back to work a couple days ago. Like, needed to, but didn’t want to, it just felt like it. But here it is. And of course, because I need to go back to work today, I went to sleep very late for me, and didn’t sleep well at all!! It was hard to even walk the dogs today I couldn’t get my eyes open and focused. Instead I had vivid dreams about old friends.

So the cable thing with my grandparents turned out really well. I am sooo happy about that and continue to cross my fingers that this will be it for a while. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders but I’m still bracing for it to fall back onto me.

Ended up forgetting to trim my nails and to do my laundry. Woohoo! Hopefully I have clothes left to wear.

Made an appointment for my puppy girl to go to the vet on Monday. She’s been very interesting of late: she’s the new TimeKeeper where that used to be the longstanding duty of Gable’s. On the dot she’s there making a racket about what we’re supposed to be doing in the daily routine. She’s also been eating her food readily and demanding more. I like to tell myself that I’ve finally cracked the picky greyhound feeing code, but I’m afraid that what’s happening instead is they’re just old. In Liana’s case, I hate to think about it but maybe she’s so into time now because her time is coming to a close and she knows it. I tell myself that’s not the reason and maybe Gable just got tired of doing it after all these years. There’s a bump on her neck, free moving and not attached to muscle just skin, but it’s getting bigger and it hurts her to the point where she’ll scream and my girl is TOUGH. I’m going to ask them at the vet, but they typically don’t want to do anything and will opt to put meds on it instead. I want it out, though, and I’m sure they’ll say well we can biopsy it, but it’s $200. WTH. I was like, well, if that’s the case maybe I’ll just borrow a syringe and some  lidocaine from work, buy a cyst punch and do it myself. I don’t want to, but dude.

I don’t know what’s going to happen at work now without the extra front desk help. They keep employing teenagers temporarily which doesn’t solve the problem at all. This teenager is actually their neighbor’s kid and she has a confidence about her that’s more arrogance than anything. Like a this is boring, I don’t want to be here arrogance. The doctor asked me a question about Taoism the other day (ie what it is) and whether I knew it or not I didn’t get a chance to answer because she was like, know what it is and I didn’t bother listening to what she was saying, but I’m pretty sure Taoism and Confucianism are pretty similar. I know that it’s Chinese in origin. I managed to look it up the other day and it’s pretty much Chinese hippy stuff. Lol. More organized than that and more respectable too, but just with any religion or belief system, there are many different ways to go about it and the meaning changes per region or individual. Whatever. Doesn’t bother me. At least she’s not incompetent.

Been writing more short stories! I took a break for a while, but I’m back at it!

Man, this whole break has been go go go, despite not having any actual break plans! I rarely got to sleep in and it was so filled with stuff to do that I barely played any actual video games. Only lots of phone games which I hate to admit, but it’s the truth. Homescapes has been my new vice. That romance story app game thing started to get annoying so I stopped reading. Like I’d mentioned in the past, pure romance stories start getting old after a while because they get repetitive, unrealistic and cliché. My favorite story so far has to have been the zombie vs. alien one. That was very creative and interesting and I didn’t think I’d like it because the cover art was weird. Speaking of stories and romance, I picked up my old smut story recently and have been doing some major revision on it. It’s turning out well, but I have to decide how I want to fix the ending…almost done, but that ending is just ridiculous…haha just like those dumb romance stories. Starts out strong and then the ending is just lacking.

Buh. Now I don’t want to go back to work.

Monday

Yesterday, my sister’s father-in-law died. He’d not been doing well and had been diagnosed with MDS about a year ago. We’d known for a week (before July 4th) that they had him in hospice care and they had said he might have 2 or 3 days left, but he didn’t make that. Last night around 9pm. My mom was quite upset and it seems that death has been occurring rather often around me here, lately.

At work, my boss was quite badly in shape too with the death of my co-worker and a good patient of hers with terminal cancer. She literally followed me through the office and asked me/told me that she just can’t cope with these deaths, that she’s just so sad about them. Unspoken was probably that I didn’t seem too perturbed by it and we’d shared that special connection where she had called me first to tell me about my co-worker’s passing. I didn’t do a good job of explaining to her right then and there before we were interrupted by another coworker. Of course, later, I had the perfect thing to have said to her. Oh well.

I’ve been traversing the land of grief for a bit. My bad breakup still a bit tender to the touch, and that of my uncle’s dog. My patients were dropping like flies last year. The near brush of death for both of my dogs and that feeling that they’ll leave me in the near future, is always a source of pain and sadness for me. Being in that perpetual state of grief (mostly with ex for months on end. I think I cried all of those months only more when I was a baby) and dealing with that negative stress for so long (I also include the travesty that was my parents’ relationship in here) has really made me a tough skin…which is a blessing a little bit of a curse. These most recent, and while admittedly somewhat distant relationships, were pretty darn close to home. That said, I’ve not been nearly as grief-affected as I had in the past…and people like my mom and my boss have been picking up on it–emotionally driven and traditionally all-over-the-map with my feelings: me.

So let me explain why. In part, it is my tougher skin, in part, it’s a shock that it’s just not real, but the more of it is that I’ve come to a relative peace and understanding about grief and death as a whole. If someone very close to me were to pass like my immediate family or my babies, I certainly will cry and lose it, but I’m beginning to think not as much as you would think. I realized while being depressed and grieving for my relationship and mess, that sadness and grief and pain are more for the memory of a person. I’m not sad for the dead person (breaking up is like the person’s dead) because typically they’re not feeling anymore and if you believe at all in life after death, you should be happy for them too. They feel no more pain, they’re free of worldly stresses until the next adventure if there is one. Then I think about their life: were they happy, even if you didn’t agree with that they believed or did, were they following their own path? Were they ready to go? If yes, then why should I be sad for them? Typically, cancer patients have plenty of time to think about death. Same with the elderly who have lived good full lives. My coworker always lived in the moment. She was happy. With this train of thought, then, grief and sadness are extremely selfish. They affect those who love the dead person, and you are sad because you’ll never see them again. But that’s you and what you want. Not necessarily what the dead person would have wanted. My grief and sadness are more for those who were not ready to go and were ripped from their lives. Murder victims, drunk driving victims, those with regrets.

Reflecting on my own life, as a whole I am happy. I’ve fulfilled the goals in life I’ve had down for myself since I was small. If I died tomorrow, it would make me sad but only because I’d left behind my dogs and that I haven’t sold my house yet and my financial debts for my family to bear without the benefit of life insurance to cover it. Everything else, I’m cool with. I live planning for the future and reminiscing about the past, but I live today and in the now. I’m at peace with my soul and my mind. The material stuff to me is inconsequential. Though I hope they have the whole video game collection where I’m going afterwards because I’ll never be able to catch up with all I want to at this point.

So there you go. That’s my stance. Grief for the memories, but joy for the person who is fulfilled.

I have to go to the grands’ yet again for this ridiculous cable problem. By God it better be over with for a while because I’m going to flip my lid otherwise.

I’m getting to the end of Dynasty Warriors 9. I’m pretty stoked to be able to finish a game and start a new one. I think I might finish Dragon Quest or start Octopath Traveler. WoohoO!!!!!