Monday Again

‘Tis Monday once more.

The baptism went well! Fastest one I’ve seen in a while. The Deacon had Parkinson’s but was very nice. We had a pretty good turn out from our family too even if my uncle didn’t know where to go and ended up in Spanish mass for 10 minutes. After lots of pictures, we went to eat Viet food. My nephew smiles every time he sees me now. When he first saw me it was all smiles. Either I look a lot like my mom or I just have a funny face. I go with the latter because babies always stare at me…my cousins used to. His new nickname is Wiggly Litchi (Monster Hunter reference). He wiggled so much he bonked his head on the baptismal font during the ceremony. Then after the food I had to lay in the trunk of my brother’s car (small SUV, not a sedan) so we could tote our grandparents back and no one else would have to. I used to do that all the time as a kid and it was fun but good gravy I am NOT a little kid anymore. I set up my camo in the back (a bag and a jacket). It would have been okay if my thighs were such that I could bring them together whilst on my side, but alas. It wasn’t too bad and it wasn’t too far, but gosh darn it my muscles were cramping in my thigh and the other side was going to sleep. Not a young or small person anymore!

Speaking of which, after looking at the images (I was a little miffed that I couldn’t just split myself in twain and take pictures during the ceremony while being in it too) a good thing about turning down all the upcoming weddings is that I don’t have to show off how absolutely massive my body is and looks. I look awful in pictures. Thighs, shoulders, and overall body shape…it’s just neither attractive nor overly womanly. My body is a confused mix of masculine and feminine features. I look really fat, but in reality I’m only a little fat and a lot of it is more muscle than anything. At the same time, I certainly have a child-bearing body. If you touch my back, shoulders, arms and poke my thighs, they’re firm. A good mix of muscle and womanly squishiness. Not my tummy though. That’s just fat. LOL. My face looks big too, but it’s just like that. Usually I can tell if I’m getting that double chin, and it doesn’t feel like that right now.

I know that as a female, I need fat in order to produce enough estrogen, but I guess the cultural (Asian) and societal (western) expectations are for me to be skinny or seemingly so. Therefore, I am very self-conscious. Clothes don’t ever fit my body right either. If it fits around everything else, then it doesn’t fit my shoulders and arms which are way too big. Then if it fits my shoulders and arms then it looks super frumpy and big, but I’d rather have movement than rip it at an inopportune time. I hate dresses too, so I don’t have much to choose from. Even womanly shirts don’t fit my in-feminine arms right. No matter what I do I just end up looking fat. It’s this body. Most of the time I could care less about it because I know I’m healthy, but when it comes to pictures and standing around other people, I become painfully aware of it.

Yeah. Good thing I don’t have to go to too many formal things.

Now for an entire day of laundry!!

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GUUUUH

Soooooooo

I’m back! Today is my nephew and soon to be God-son’s baptism. It’s amazing how now that we’re old anticipating things just don’t happen anymore. Things just happen. Maybe it’s a defensive mechanism, but the “can’t-wait” feeling just isn’t nearly as powerful anymore. I kind of miss it. I’m sooo glad there are options for clothes these days and I don’t have to wear a dress or anything. There is, however, a little bit of a worry about a small hitch that might occur, but overall I don’t feel any major anxieties about today.

My time in the South was very productive, relaxing and enjoyable. Good gravy how much I love that house, miss yardwork, and overall just miss the relative lack of stress that comes from living somewhere like that. I can see the stars in the night sky, there’s very little noise pollution there and probably much less pollution in general. You know, I live with it here on a regular basis and don’t think much about it anymore, but I’m sure my body is still unconsciously noticing it. That would explain how and why I just prefer to just relax because anything to get me away from all of this “noise” is better. I don’t get how everyone around here just has no chill. Then again, stay down there long enough and I start to miss the thick skin people around here have.

I managed to finish laying out the grass cover in the back, mulched everything that needed it (the mulch will probably never be done there), prettied up the front (took forever!) and re-did some of the stonework that has sunk into the ground a bit. I would have done the fence which is one of the last things that needs to be done, but I didn’t want to further destroy my body in anticipating today and my potential duties at the baptism itself (I dunno what I’m supposed to do). Plus, I managed to waste all of Thursday to a vacuum salesman and ended up spending a crazy amount of money that I don’t have on said vacuum. It’s supposed to be a lifetime investment and I figure with the amazing warranty, made in the US and the scary obvious worthlessness of consumer vacuums, it would benefit allergic peoples like the rest of my family.

I am SO IN THE HOLE in terms of money I’m stressing out so badly.

I freaking love that house.

Sooo

…sooo….

Remember how I always manage to injure myself or something crazy before going South? I was doing great until late last night around 11:30pm when I let the dogs out. I saw that I’d left the battery inside the weed whacker, so I went to remove it, when the pusher thing from my aerator happened to fall off the shelf and smack onto my pinky toe. The ram rod is solid steel and it’s a rod which means it fell like a spear, pushing all its force into my one toe. GOOD GOD. The pain lingered, too, well into my sleeping. I was busy reading manga until close to 1am and it was still stinging/throbbing/paining. Thankfully when I woke up, I still felt it sore and stiff, but I can walk OK, it’s not broken and not swollen up tremendously. I was truly terrified I’d crushed the bone or done something awful when the pain wouldn’t stop for 2 hours. Walking is doable, but painful and I have to move my foot in a way so that the pinky toe doesn’t hit anything. I’m just glad it wasn’t any other toes or worse, the top of my foot altogether. Still quite painful, but only if I put pressure on it.

What it means, however, along with the fact that it’s currently raining here and South, is that I now have a decision to make as to when I want to venture down there. Yet another day wasted!! I can’t stain anything when the fence is wet, and while I can still finish up the mulch bed in the back, lugging, dragging and otherwise carrying heavy bags of mulch is going to take much longer and be much harder without my pinky toe to support. You never appreciate anything until you can’t use it. I completely disagree with the “scientists” who believe that not too long into our future, we’ll evolve out of pinky toes. Pfft. Mine is used regularly for balance and strength. Monkey feet.

I think I’m cursed.

I was going to post a photo here but I have the world’s ugliest feet.

At least tomorrow is going to be nice, but I feel bad because I took off of work today and now it’s yet another day wasted in that aspect. Just like my birthday week which I had had all planned out to go do things South and I couldn’t because I’d crashed my car and didn’t know that I didn’t have rental car coverage on my insurance.

It’s probably a good thing that I regularly smash my pinky toe on chair legs and such. Makes it tougher.

Oh and in the shower today I managed to drop my bar of soap. ON THE SAME TOE. Fun times.

In other news, when the dogs and I were rounding the final stretch this morning while coming home, I was busy telling Liana who was scanning the way for our friend Miss Bunny, that it looks like Miss Bunny isn’t out today in the rain! Well. One blind turn to the left and it all happened in a flash:

  1. Bunny hears us coming and darts ahead into the safety of the brush.
  2. The brush happens to be on our right and Bunny is coming from the left
  3. I don’t see Bunny, all I see is a flash of brown heading our way at top speed, which I assume to be a bunny
  4. My brain processes in the flash that this is Bunny, it’s heading our way, I have 2 greyhounds, one who is looking for Bunny and one who is just walking, but greyhounds nonetheless, and it looks like we’re going to collide, the rate at which all of us are approaching each other.
  5. Dread fills me as I have 2 wild fast predators with me
  6. Fight or flight response chooses option 3: FREEZE and GASP AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE
  7. Both dogs lunge at the same time as Bunny’s brain makes split second decision to jump vertically and execute aerial 180 degrees turn Gable is the closest and lunges right at Bunny who is probably mere inches from his face.
  8. I am frozen, so I have a death grip on his leash which I usually keep loosely short, which means that my arm isn’t getting ripped off and muscle tension insures that he isn’t going to get anywhere.
  9. On my other side, Lady Jaguar lunges too, but smashes into the back of my legs. I don’t feel much pain because once again I am frozen and tensed up.
  10. My body releases me and off we go, both dogs on a mission, ears up and hunting.
  11. I try to go as fast as my injured limp will allow me, and adrenaline is nice because it blocks pain.
  12. Bunny is long gone, so Liana in her irritation sniffs out where it was last, and poops. Twice. In that area. Gable adds some urine for good measure. Maybe a warning? A last, “I’ll get you next time, you wascally wabbit?”

Both dogs are both proud of themselves and annoyed that their human is ridiculously slow on the uptake and hunt. Pretty much worthless. Currently Gable is sighing and grumbling to himself because why the HECK are you home today, failed hunter? Feed me or do something useful.

Looks like the sun is coming out up here and the clouds are dispersing. I’ll head down around 11 or so, I think. Less traffic and give the water some time to dry. We have yet another freeze warning tonight. Sigh.

Last day this week

I don’t know why but I’m getting nervous about going south tomorrow! Or maybe it’s excitement? Not sure why I’m nervous! Maybe it’s the prospect of being down in my own place for a while? Well…I’m sure that it won’t last long given that my brother is probably going to come too. Ugh. He was all excitedly saying that he forgot to take off for Thursday and Friday this week… Whatever. I guess I’ll just enjoy what alone time I actually have when I get there. Sigh.

Dang these allergies.

I had a patient ask me if I lift weights yesterday. I just so happened to have forgotten by clinic jacket, so everyone had to see my big butt, big belly, and plumbers crack all day, and was bending down to write a card for her when she asked the question. I was completely caught off guard because I never expected anything like that, so I floundered through my responses and she said she sees an “arm bulge” and she’s been trying to lift weights too (she’s 70, though she doesn’t look like it) so she’s been noticing everyone’s “arm bulges.” It was funny and embarrassing at the same time (I have a love hate relationship with compliments) because she was really loud about it. Honestly, though, it’s amazing she noticed anything because since I’m Asian and female, definition isn’t as noticeable as compared to others. My body, too, looks much bigger than my arms, so you’ll more quickly notice my hips, thighs, belly, and shoulders long before you notice something as relatively scrawny as my arms.

It’s not that I’m embarrassed about my looks…I know that I’m no knockout and honestly I don’t care. My belly is hard to lose, though, and getting harder every year. Probably would help if I wasn’t sick the last 2 weeks. I’ve been pretty bad about working out altogether, though I did do yardwork on Saturday which helps me feel better. And I’ll be doing more the rest of the week which is why I wasn’t too crazy about doing anything last night. My diet has been good, too, better now that my brother isn’t home as much so I don’t have to eat out all the time, though I did cave and eat way too much greasy food on Sunday night. My scrubs are fitting at this point in time! It only takes one pizza to mess everything up. Ugh.

My mom said she felt for me because when she was my age she was pretty big herself and it was a constant struggle for the next 20 years. Goooood times.

I slept well last night! My night guard had something to do with it. Maybe. Probably.

I also managed to knock my punching bag off its stand last night. That makes for a good Fbook post, even if I think it’d been getting loose all along given how much I wail on it…whale on it?…wale on it??? OMG I swear I’d ALWAYS seen it spelled “wail on.” WHY is it actually “whale on?” Dude.

I Only Work 2 Days This Week

Which means that it’s going to take FOREVER.

Soooo it’s April 17th (tax day) and there is a freeze watch for tonight. Whaaaaat the heck. Honestly, it’s not all that weird because it’s certainly happened before. I remember it when I was little even though people at work swear up and down they’ve never seen this before, and I grew up south of the area where it’s usually warmer than up here. Whatever, man. I’m kinda getting tired of people complaining so much about the weather. Yes, it’s crazy, and teasing (it was 80s on Friday and Saturday), but hey, it’s the weather. Though, I have to admit that I’m worried about the plants >_< Looks like I’ll have to move them back in tonight.

Darn it I didn’t do the laundry.

I fed my pups dehydrated rabbit feet and ears last night. They’re the real deal and come from a farm in PA where I guess they farm rabbits for meat? For someone who loves animals it’s a little scary since they parts are literally just torn from the animal itself, fur and all, but I also understand that these are dogs and they are predators. I’m rather thankful, truth be told, that they recycle these parts into dog treats instead of just chucking them somewhere. All I did was open one of the box flaps and the two of them went nuts. I gave them each one foot and an ear. Liana just kept staring at me and licking the bed where she’d left it for the rest of the evening. My bunny killer huntress. It was cool and scary to hear them crunching away at the bones and claws of this deceased cotton tail beast…think about it: their jaws and teeth are made to crush bone and their stomachs to digest it. What’s stopping them from crunching my hand or arm when they’re mad or upset or scared of me? Probably that I give them walkies and treats and toys and soft beds. LOL.

I don’t want to think too hard about Thursday and Friday and Saturday. Every time I plan ahead something bad happens.

OK, time to get this show on the road!

Today is Monday

And no one asked me to work today or next week so it seems I’m just going to stay home, thank you. Not that it’s an issue except that I’m not going to get paid. I also took off Thursday and we already have Friday off, so that’s cool. The plan is to go South and do things but of course, as usual, it’s supposed to rain. WHY. Oh well. Don’t care, I’m just going to do things.

As I move closer to selling this house, and effectively closing up an escape route, I become more and more ready, while everyone else is the opposite: sad. My brother is basically living there part time now. I think he feels it’s his only chance to live on his own. I think it’d be best if he just saved up money for a cheap house/apartment in Manassas because unlike everyone else, he mostly just works from home, so what’s the big deal? I’m getting more depressed about trying to find a detached house up here in a location I want with a yard, but what are you gonna do? Nothing wrong with a townhouse except it doesn’t have much of a yard at all and the damn HOAs. But the idea of my own place for at least a few years is just amazing to me.

Did a good amount of yardwork on Saturday and that made me so happy. Not to mention it looks darn good if I do say so myself. Pictures never do anything justice. In person it looks quite nice, especially in comparison to my neighbors. This house easily has the most curb appeal on the street. The back yard…I’m experimenting with. I don’t think I’m going to be able to grow grass there, so I tried to plant some mounding plants. We’ll see what happens. I also planted all of the potatoes that were growing in the house, so we’ll probably end up with a jungle of potato plants. LOL. Though…I’m not sure if I want to eat them given the dogs peeing and pooping back there. >_< Thankfully Gable likes to pee on the hay I threw back there these days so hopefully he’ll just keep peeing there instead. Minor muscle pain! Almost gave myself heat exhaustion and only $50 spent. Niiiice.

^if you look you can see the purple muscari I planted in the fall in a path on my neighbor’s yard. Some chipmunk of squirrel ate my bulbs and then proceeded to poop them over there. My neighbors cut them down though.

Still on board with the finance plan, except that I’m not working 2 days this week. It’s all good, the stuff to be bought in the South are going to be on gift cards, so we’re still on track.

I ate way too much last night…I’d been doing VERY well with the diet, eating mostly at home and healthy foods, but the burgers, fries and pizza last night did not sit well in my tummy. Haven’t been that full in a long while.

Hopefully I’ll remember to head out to the library today. I want quite badly to have a book to read before going to sleep and for whatever reason I keep forgetting to go on Saturdays.

These days I stopped thinking about dating, husbands and marriage. Maybe I’m avoiding it all, turning down all invitations to friends marriages. Sometimes the thought crosses my mind that I’ll be lonely and childless the rest of my life. My nephew won’t know the joy of cousins, ever, on either side of the family. Possibly never know a grandpa for either side. Maybe never even a sibling. That’s sad, thinking back on how we used to talk about having kids around the same time so they’d grow up together, but the reality is it’s harder than simply “having kids” or “getting married” as kids think. Haha. Ah the innocence of youth.

Speaking of which, I was just thinking yesterday as I was walking the dogs about how much better it was when you didn’t know anything. Youth is idealistic and dreamy, while getting older means you’re more stringent and unyielding, simply owing to experience. When you have nothing to base anything off of, anything is possible. When you’ve experienced life, you realize that much fewer things are as possible. Or at least you understand the difficulty in getting there, and that in and of itself is limiting. The brain of a young person has no stops because it does not know that stops exist, while the brain of a more experienced person recognizes and has had stops, so therefore is much less likely to take risks. It’s an optimism, pessimism thing, a mental phenomenon. If I, now, pretend that I don’t know that hurdles exist, then I become idealistic again, however, there is much MORE on the line now. I have bills, houses, lives…responsibilities. If those responsibilities disappear or are lifted, all of the sudden my outlook on life is much brighter.

In conclusion, I am old and crotchety and on the path to become even worse.

Haha. This, my friend, is exactly why I continue to refuse a “higher” status job, and am fine with not working anywhere near full time. What I value in life is much different than those around me. Maybe I still am a dreamer. I want a life that is as stress free as I can make it and I want to be happy. I value my time, I value what makes me happy. This definition is different for everyone, so I detest those who would look down on how I’ve chosen to live my life as if somehow I’m doing them a disservice for having to look at me and know I exist. Maybe they’re jealous–jealous that they fell into the cookie-cutter expected life path everyone else took. We’re all different people, so why compare? There’s no point. I like short hair, I like video games. I don’t have a travel bug. I’d like to visit some places, but my heart isn’t shriveling up just because I’m not going abroad every few months. I don’t need a man to be happy, but I’m not going to shut that door either. If it happens, that’s cool. I’m a couch potato, I’m naturally lazy and I don’t like big crowds or uproarious events. I don’t mind them too much, I just don’t like them and then get bored. I LOVE doing yard work (though I have to be careful about not giving myself heat exhaustion like I always do) and I love love love animals. What’s wrong with having a tradition where I go to the beach every year? My patients give me a hard time sometimes about not going abroad or on a cruise or to NYC or to Cancun or the Bahamas. I enjoy it. Maybe it’s not overly exciting or glamorous, but it’s vacation to me. Also, I can’t afford that. And I still refuse to board my dogs. They’re like my kids.

Beh. What having short hair for years on end has taught me is how to have thick skin. The hair and also driving around up here for 7 years. Oiled, thick skin where things just roll off and away from me. I like what I like and nothing will change that.

Dang it Gable why you make my room so stinky?

Friday Now

I am sleeeeeppppyyyy

It’s going to be a high of 82 today. This is a major change from a high 50 just a few days ago. It’s mid-April and still the trees are only in the early stages of blooming. My bulbs are mostly not all out and the birds and squirrels are feeling the squeeze of not being able to find food easily. I know this because they’ve been begging and foraging on the deck.

Work is going to be terrrrible, but I’ve turned on the AC at home probably for good now.

Everyone’s got all these great plans for this weekend and I’m like, uhhhh, I got nothing. I am, however, super eager to get my hands in the dirt finally! Tomorrow’s weather is supposed to be great! If I decide to go home improvement stores then I  need to do it EARLY cuz it’s gonna be insane in the stores tomorrow, the first real spring-ish (or really, summer) weekend of the year! Then I’ll probably move on the dismantling the grill finally and think about power washing the deck for staining. Oooooooooo I LOVE doing work around the houseeeee. Man, I’m telling you if I didn’t have a yard to work in, I think I’d die. My grandpa’s birthday is Sunday, so we’re going to bypass my aunt always insisting things being done at her house and celebrate with them tomorrow evening.

WHOOO for Friday!

I officially have Thursday and Friday off of next week to go down and GET SOME STUFF DONNNNNE.