I think I need to clean my room…

I hopped onto bed and picked up my laptop + lap desk like I always do. Something tickles my legs and I think it might be the tag on the lap desk, so I pay it no mind. All of the sudden I see a black thing scurry away from me and it dawns on me that it’s a bug. A fraction of a second of glancing at it positively identifies an arachnid. Cue the alarm bells in my head and subsequent leap to safety. Spider’s location is noted and I go into the bathroom, searching for a container of any kind. I find my used Renuzit Pearl Scents container with used and diminished spheres, empty as much of it into the trash can as possible and race back in, praying that it is where I left it. It IS. YESSS. Clamp container over foe and then realize that I’ve got nothing to slide under it. Good thing my room is a mess but also small. I find a random envelope (it has to have some strength to it) and slide it in slowly. Spider freaks out, but is held at bay by the oily fragrance of melted pearl spheres. I don’t know if they can smell or not, but DANG I’d have passed out stuck in that much scent. As I was searching for paper I realized my folly at not cleaning the container out better, but it did have the side effect of creating a scent/physical cage ring. Of course, with spider safely under container, I try to take pictures of the poor thing and find that indeed it is terrified of the liquefied gel pearls. Then it’s a trip to the deck where it can, in the words of The Shredder: “Go. Play. Have fun.” I put the paper on the ground, and lift up the container. Spider about freaks out and instead of wandering off, tries to make itself small in the middle of the ring of liquid fragrance. So I help and put it into a plant pot.

I am not a bug killer unless it is a fly, a gnat or a mosquito. If it’s bigger than a mosquito/fly then I will try my best to “save” it by relocating it to the outdoors. Technically I might be dooming the critters, but its better than being a floor pancake. As much as I try to be friendly to them, I can’t deny the heebie jeebies that are written into my genome. My body has been on high alert, hypersensitive to airflow for the last 10 minutes. Logically, though, it was a hunter-type spider so no webs and since house spiders typically are loners, no real threat of multiple ones. At least it was a jumper spider. Those things are crazy scary.

Man…I can tell you spider stories. I remember very vividly being bitten by a light brown/tan-ish almost pink/purple/gray one back in the house I grew up in. It was in the raised bed where we usually grew carrots. I can’t remember what season it was, but there were dead leaves and such in it, so I was just trying to help clean things out. It was morning on a weekend, and everyone was inside. I just loved being outdoors so there I was. I think my mom was supposed to come out, but hadn’t made it yet. Anyways, it must have just rained because things were moist. I put  my hands in and picked up a bunch of the dead leaves, carrying it to the kudzu jungle we had. It was cold and wet but I could care less because I loved dirt and getting my hands dirty. I reach in for the second round and OUCH something gets me with a good amount of force. Sharp and with oomph behind it. Alarm bells in the head and I retreat. My hand is dirty so it’s hard to tell what happened, but it immediate swelling and aching meant bite, so I look into the pile and see said spider. It was BIG, man. Hunter type too. It was the exact color of the leaves and debris, no way I would have spotted it on my own. In fact, more than likely it was sleeping or hiding lying in wait and I disturbed it. It was a substantial spider…all broad a plate-like…I wonder if I can find a similar picture of it. I ran inside and cleaned off my hands, making visible the distinct bite marks of a spider and the sudden onslaught of pain. I didn’t want to tell my mom because 1) I was supposed to have waited for her and 2) she had repeatedly told me that I needed to wear garden gloves while doing yard work, and I’d shrugged it off. Then I went back outside, found some garden gloves and continued back over to clean it out, but by then the spider was gone and I couldn’t show anyone even if I wanted to. I think I was 10ish.

Another spider adventure was in Kilmarnock in the dental clinic. That thing was absolutely MASSIVE and by then I was in my 20s. I’d seen it before in a basket and had almost reached down to throw it away because it looked like trash, but I suddenly grew lazy and decided to let someone else deal with it. Good decision or spiritual guidance or whatever because later we saw it crawling around and let me tell you how big this thing was…longest legs I ever saw on a spider in real life and when I rescued it in a Cavicide container I could SEE THE HAIRS ON ITS BACK AND HEAD. And all its eyes too. It was too big to clamp the container over either, so I had to guide it in with a high speed suction tip. After that, it occurred to me that it was the same brown thing I’d seen in that basket, so I went to look and OMG I WAS RIGHT. The brown thing was gone. I guess I’d woken it up when I removed the basket stacked over the one it was sleeping in.

I feel like there is one more major spider adventure, but I forget now and I’m sleepy too. I’ve rescued many an arachnid in my life. I’m rather proud of it and will continue to do.

Now, though, I have to live with this ultra strong fragrance stain I left on my blanket.

So after some internet searching, I’m leaning towards either Hobo Spider or Woodlouse Hunter for the 10 year old bite.

Woodlouse Hunter Spider

Hobo Spider

And I am QUITE certain now that I’m looking at pictures, that the one in Kilmarnock was a Huntsman Spider. Those long legs bring back the memory of it sleeping folded up in the baskets.

This picture looks almost exactly like what I remember

Wow. Reading about these guys, it’s amazing how much “bigger” they all seemed at the time of seeing them in person. GUUUUH I am so ITCHY and paranoid looking through all of these spider pictures!

Uhhhhh

I just read an article about some serial killers and now I forgot what I was going to update about. Wow.

The tree out back is splitting with haste! HOA needs to hurry the heck up and approve the application before it does start to fall on the neighbor’s house.  The other side of the tree/crack is even bigger than the easy to view side!

More Gable feet. Thankfully he hasn’t had any more episodes of the dementia he exhibited earlier. Puts me at ease at night. I’ve been having fitful nights again, in part because of watermelon and having to get up to pee (had another poop dream last night…so ANNOYING) and probably in part because of heat.

A couple weeks ago there was this putrid odor in the house we attributed to a dying/dead squirrel on the roof, but that has since gone. Yesterday, however, I woke up to a similar odor or rotting flesh, but no one else could smell it. Actually for the last couple of days I wake up to my hands smelling like I just went to pick up dog poop. Less today, but I do remember waking up every so often this morning to a rotting type of smell. I wonder what it is? Of course, the Fact book I’ve been reading today was dealing with the Amityville Haunting and one of the symptoms was a foul, putrid smell that would randomly emanate from seemingly the walls. It’s fine right now, I smell nothing. And it’s not my dogs because they don’t sleep in the room with me.

A patient and I were talking about kids yesterday because he has now a 2 week old and an almost 2 year old. He was all excited talking about them ( I like when people can entertain themselves, so I just help it along. It makes the appointment less miserable for people) and I asked a few questions. Then out of the blue he asked me if I want kids. I was like, well that’s an interesting question. Isn’t that the kind of thing you talk with your friends about? But I answered truthfully. If you asked me this 5 years ago, I’d say straight up NO WAY. Now? I’m much more amenable to the idea. It’s always been about the idea of kids: that they’re people and you’re in charge of the future of persons that will grow up and go into the world. Your goal is to make them a good person. You can go into it thinking, OH I’m having kids so that someone will take care of me when I’m old, but even that is not ensured for many possible reasons and frankly, it’s a terrible reason to have kids. It’s just not good enough a reason…to be selfish like that. That’s what I told him out loud, but in my mind there were other thoughts.

Part of the reason I was suddenly leaning towards kids is that I loved someone. Truly loved him, so much so that I understood why people want to have kids together. Except that everything I felt he felt the opposite. Another thing I didn’t tell my patient was that more of a reason not to have kids or have them is genetic material. If you have some disease or insanity that runs in your family, I don’t feel like that’s something that should be spread even further down the line, since we’ve all but destroyed evolution at this point. Plus, some people just shouldn’t have kids. Just, don’t. They’re not dolls.

My respect level for him went up, though, because he quipped that what people don’t understand when you have kids is that it’s a complete lifestyle overhaul. As he said, you can’t have kids and go out to the bar like you always do. And if you do, only one who suffers is the kid. We need more people who understand the depth and gravity of the situation. Mature thoughts. He is only 2 years older than I am. It’s nice to hear that there’s hope for the world yet. Unlike OTHER patients that we have….

UGH GABLE FART

It’s the little things

I was super proud of my parking yesterday. Usually I tap the little barrier and move up but yesterday I didn’t tap at all and managed to not touch it by millimeters. Whoo! Also my tires are cool even though the drag and poor mileage are a big step down. On the plus side they’re grippy! And rain is nothing. 

On my way home the juxtaposition of the blue sky and threatening clouds obscuring the sun was really very awesome and I just had to snap some pics of them. Gorgeous.

Here pictures of my dogs last night. The boy was barking because he had to go out and she immediately rolled back over once she noticed I had my camera out. Haha!

Since College

…that was the last time I preferred to listen to classical music while doing work needing concentration. When I was playing Watch Dogs a few weeks back, I realized how much I missed listening to classical and how many songs I’d known over the years. Now when I type up these blog entries, I switch from worded songs to instrumental/classical only. I love it. Music plays a major part in my life worded and non. Being around other people, I realize that not everyone is like that. I need it. I’m always playing it. Probably it occupies my brain because it’s always working and needs to focus on something. I always complain that I can’t multitask, but my brain does multitask in that aspect. When I’m drawing or anything crafty I need music. Not TV, not a movie, but something in the background. I’m less musically creative or performing these days, but music is and has always been so significant in my life, that it’s not readily apparent until it’s either not there or someone else doesn’t agree. Not just any music either. My music. Of course.

I’m going to take a moment, now to complain about reviews. Reviews in general. These days, now that the internet is everything and used in pretty much all decision making, reviews are all the rage. I, myself, am not immune and I’m sad to say that reviews truly do have an impact upon my purchases. Reviews on the surface are great! Before you buy, you already know what to expect, what problems have arisen, the dimensions, the feel, and more information than you’d ever need to know. It solves the problem of online buying where you can go out and touch and feel the item, and on top of it gives further insight as to durability and function. Instead of going into how this affects society as a whole and contributing the distrusting nature and lack of adventuresomeness these days born from internet use, I’ll just focus on reviews themselves. Given how much reviews drive sales, of course, companies trying to push products are going to try and cheat. 5 stars? 4.5 stars? Yeah let’s just group ALL of our products together and make it confusing so that people will buy them! Let’s get some paid reviewers (while honest, has the psychological free-effect where most likely it’s going to be a positive review), let’s randomly post some fantastic reviews written by employees because we have no integrity. Then there are companies that are very stand-up and honest. Products, video games, food, movies…everything gets a review. The question is, do you have to have a 5 start product? How many movies that were mediocre have you watched that you were still glad you watched? Technically, a 3-star product is quite decent. It works like it’s supposed to. Even if it’s not 5 stars, it’s still a decent product. Those people more than likely didn’t return it and still use it. However, you are very uninclined to buy a 3 star product when a 5 star is available to you. Then you jump into the world of relativity. One person loved it one person hated it, and boom you have a 3 star review. People are dumb, too. They don’t read instructions, and they don’t fully understand products. Some are very knowledgeable, others know jack and still want to review. Just read some “amazon questions” sometime and omg people are IDIOTS. AND, food and movies…people’s tastes are completely different. I hate food reviews. No one tastes food the same way and half of the time the reviews aren’t about the food, it’s about the lighting or something. Everyone also has that one family member that hates everything and they’re probably the one reviewing while other people think it was good and don’t need to review. Which brings me to the next part which is the people reviewing…Most people who are happy with a purchase don’t care to. Most people will review are those who FREAKING LOVED IT or those who FREAKING HATE IT. What about the 70% who didn’t feel the need to?

Am I still going to use reviews? Yes. Of course. But always with a grain of salt.

Ok rant over. WTF. I meant that to be like one small paragraph.

What I was meaning to post as the main post today deals with different body structures. If you draw at all, at some point you’re going to be studying anatomy, even briefly. For me, I started drawing because anatomy and shapes intrigue me. Teeth. Muscles. Forms. When I was younger and drew pretty much every single day I drew better…these days I’m more mature in my knowledge, but my drawings are worse. More accuracy, less skill. Artists always say, draw, draw, draw, draw. That’s the real trick. The problem for me these days is the lack creativity…in my younger years I’d draw all sorts of stuff even though I didn’t know as much. I love looking at my old sketchbooks because the mind of a kid is so much more broad and imaginative. I can’t do that anymore and it’s depressing. I guess I could try to train it again to do that? I dunno. This rigid adult mind preoccupied with mature, adult things like bills and food and biological clocks.

ANYWAYS…again with the sidetracking…my body is strangely shaped. Yes, yes, there is so much variation in body structure given the bazillion people on this earth, but I notice it. I have tiny feet in comparison to my body, child-bearing hips, huge thighs, massive cankles (my brother noticed that my calves are larger than 95% of the people at a buffet recently), no real waist to speak of, medium sized boobs, massive shoulders, smaller hands and a relatively small head compared to everything else. What really stands out to me, though, is my neck, or really, the back of my neck. It’s strange, really. Pictures to follow.

Slouching

Relaxed

Straight

When I’m at church, I’ll look around at the back of people’s necks and mine is truly weird. Then I was curious and looked it up online. Now, I don’t know if it’s common, but dang those online models have long necks.

Here are the female ones. Notice the long necks for one, but that cervical bump/protuberance that is like a muscle attachment area, is not prominent on them at all. I tried to find different, average, and ethnic ones but I couldn’t.

Now some male ones. See how mine is more prominent? More like the males.

I think my body is an interesting mix of male and female characteristics. It all goes back to me being highly certain that I had a fraternal twin who died in the womb. Most likely male. Let’s not go into the spirt portion of this, but it might explain me as a whole. The mom’s body releases estrogen and testosterone for the baby, right? So if my brother died, then single baby would get more? I dunno. I never took developmental biology…but that’s my hypothesis. And if that’s not the case, then I just got more testosterone in the womb. I AM A CHIMAERA. Not really. Broad shoulders like a man, but the wide hips and boobs of a woman.

All of this to try and explain away this structure on the back of my neck. Haha. Beh. Why does it matter anyways? It’s what and who I am…it’s just maybe I’m terrified that is why he found me increasingly unattractive and therefore other males won’t find me attractive either. I’m built and can act rather masculine. I can’t help it. I’ve always been that way. 

This brain is insane. And bored. And lonely. Hence all these dumb entries.

 

Jealousy

I’m jealous. Oh so jealous of other people and their happy relationships. I faulted my mom for these exact same feelings after the divorce and now I understand it completely. Of all the people to choose, we ended up choosing those who cared more about themselves than anyone else. And still do. I see boyfriends and husbands who think of their women (and children!), do things for them, so that their lives can be easier, happier and more enriched. No one is perfect but the mere fact that they care more for the well-being of someone other than themselves is heartwarming. My boyfriend bought me this, he took me there, we did this together, he made this, picked this out for me…because he thought I’d like it. Spending the time to do something merely because you think I’d like it means so much more to me than how much it costs. Time is money but money can’t buy more time. That green pang of jealousy when I see how sweet other men can be is impossible for me to stop from happening…I need to try and be happy for people. That bitterness is creeping steadily in no matter what I do. 

Gorgeous day!

70 degrees F on a summer morning in July? Yes! Time to head to the park with the puppers! We went yesterday already and usually that’s it for a weekend but I couldn’t pass up going again today. Part for them, and part for me. Nothing like getting out there are just being in nature and nice weather and such. Plus more cardio is always good. The old pups…I don’t know how much longer I’ll have with them…whether it be several more years or just a few months. They love it, so who am I to deny that? Good thing we went early, though, because it started really heating up as we left. Other people seemed to have the same idea as us, because as we were leaving we encountered 5 dogs coming in. All young, of course. Normally my dogs are great when other dogs go by, but I think it depends on the day…Gable out of the blue decides to lunge happily at one of the dogs and it was scared…guh. Then the others he just walked by because I gave him the look. 

In other news, some follicles down in the nether regions got massively blocked overnight (or maybe even through yesterday) and I woke up to ridiculous pain whenever I move that extends to my upper thigh. It’s so big it took over several follicles at once. TMI, I know. When I saw it, all I could think of was, “DAMN THAT’S BIG.” Ouch. ouch. ouch. I’m about 90% sure it’s from my ballooning weight and the fact that my capris were way too tight to be wearing them all day yesterday. They used to fit fine…MUST LOSE WEIGHT.

Remember that Gillette BRAUN IPL I bought from Amazon? Now that I’ve had it for about a year, I can safely recommend it. I know that 9 months ago I was busy complaining about how it didn’t work for me, but a year later, there is enough difference for me to finally wear short leg clothing regularly…something I haven’t done in my life since before I started shaving. My legs have less hair and less growth. I shave about once a week and the hair is very short when I do it. How much less hair? At least 60-70% less hair in general. Armpits….not as good. I think there are too many folds and such. Maybe you need 2 people to do it just to stretch the skin. Some have gone for good, but overall I haven’t had much success there. My knuckle hair (mine are akin to male hair growth there…) has been positively affected (less hair and growth) too. If I were to buy again, and these things eventually do need to be replaced, I’d try Remington’s version with safe face feature.

Yesterday I rescued a praying mantis from inside church. It has been a lonnnnnng time since I’ve held a full grown praying mantis in my hands. It was a very bright green with these big eyes. I didn’t want anyone stomping on it. Wish I’d had my phone on me to take a picture. Not sure why, but it made me so happy to see one.

Gable feet.

Brought Liana to the vet for a tech vaccine visit. She greatly dislikes going now and was loudly telling everyone about that as we were waiting. Then 2 more dogs come in and amongst 4 dogs it was like a dog choir in there. It was quite funny to me. She really likes other dogs. Very stubborn pupper though.

What to make for dinner tonight…I haven’t really had to cook in a while.

 

It Took One Week.

One. Just one.

For my body to balloon again. I can feel it in my thighs, midsection, backflab and neck. I get tired easily from just wandering up the stairs and I feel overall very lazy in general. My pants, shirts and underwear are tight again.

UUUUUGH.

And why did this come about? A variety of reasons: stress from all this bad luck, stress from still trying to get over Failed Relationship (though this is quickly leaving my system now that I’m more mad than sad), staying home for a week sitting on the couch playing video games from morning until evening, snacking the entire time I’m sitting, eating not-so-healthy things like an entire bag of Now and Laters in 2 days and the majority of a dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts, not being able to walk nearly as far with the dogs since Liana got her spine problem and now summer heat, and finally, being bad about not incorporating cardio into my workouts and just doing weights.

Let me stop here and complain about why doughnuts are spelled donuts? I’ve grown up spelling it the former and these days everyone corrects me by spelling it donut?

As I’ve mentioned in the past, fat and lazy really do go hand in hand. At the risk of being flamed, fat creates lazy and lazy perpetuates fat. It’s a biological mechanism built into us as animals, humans. Fat people in general deny things like fat and lazy don’t go together, but be true to yourself and think about it. Do you get up and go get the remote? Do you leave off doing things until later a lot instead of getting it done now? Why? No real excuse, just don’t feel like it? Be true, don’t lie to yourself. I only know this because I feel the exact way when I’m putting on weight and staying there. Fighting the battle all the time, you know? When I’m in storage mode I am as lazy as can be and the fat count on me is proof plus the amount and quality food I’m ingesting plus my poor habits that are less than ambitious. I want fried chicken. Fries. Doughnuts. Candy. Chips. When I’m in active mode, I don’t crave snacks, I’m always on the go wanting to go places and do things, I get things done, I eat portion controlled amounts of food naturally, I’m focused. I crave fruit, meat, vegetables and exercise.

Get back into active mode, dummy! How to flip that switch? Work out and keep at it no matter how bad you feel. The first time you try the schedule it feels like hell, like you’re going to die, like vomiting, that there’s no way you can do this, and mostly, you feel defeated and depressed because holy crap what happened to my muscles. The more you keep it up, the more you keep overcoming that mental block, the easier the gets until the transition from storage into active is like a snap of the finger. It’s the journey there first. Not fitting into your clothes properly is a fantastic motivator, especially with the beach looming.

I realized yesterday, dancing around and singing, that I’m getting happier again. I’m noticing things like I used to, like bugs and birds.

Work was pretty frustrating yesterday. Some people are Speedy Gonzalez when under pressure, others do the opposite and turn into molasses, like they give up. Very irritating. My co-worker keeps talking about how this and that is going to happen when she gets pregnant which she is obviously planning very soon and moving into a house and such. I understand the pressure she’s under from herself, family and friends, but dang girl, slow it down. It’s too stressful to rush. Let it happen. She wants sooo badly to be out of her situation and this is it. The folly in that is that it is a rush and too much of one so you make a mistake. Of course, then it reminds me of me and talk about pressure…I look around me and everyone’s moving ahead full steam. Then there’s me and I’m…jealous. Really and truly I am. Why and when? Then…what? How much more learning must I do? What is it I need to achieve first? I tried the go-grab-the-bull-by-the-horns approach (ha. almost literally…) to jumpstart the process, but every time I do that, it doesn’t pan out. Learning experience, yes, but bluh.

Beh. Que cera cera. No point in worrying about something I have no ability to change right now anyways. Just waiting now. Wait wait wait wait. Always waiting for everything.