Had a great time last night trying not to scratch the heck out of my ant bites! The big one on my wrist that I seem allergic to is now rather multilobulated (for lack of better terminology) and just as itchy as ever. The ones around my ankles have grown too and more are showing today than yesterday. Unfortunately for me, they rub on my shoes whenever I walk. Ugh.
Remember that Escape Room game I was raving about yesterday? Well. I got to an extremely annoying level that made me so nauseous I was messed up for the rest of the day. Had to go take a nap to chase it away. Ugh. Now I don’t know if I can finish it.
Made wings last night with dipping sauces and I can’t believe it took me all this time to figure out how to make a really good fried chicken. Now I know! Even if it was bland. Also learned that trying to marinate frozen wings is a terrible idea because it doesn’t work.
This Saturday is my cousin’s wedding. I really don’t want to go, but I have to. Ugh. Man, I really hate weddings. I was able to get out of going to 3 of them this year, but I can’t dodge this one, sadly. Of course, it’s in the worst possible place too. Poor parking, poor driving. Man I hate these things.
All of the weddings this year really bring to light the scope of my negativity and pessimism about relationships in general. I say that I’m fine, but obviously deep down I’m not. I have seen and continue to watch as supposedly happy unions fizzle and fail all around me. My own, my parents, my relatives, and I think most bothersome to me: all the ones at work. I’ve been there long enough to watch the kids and families grow up, and it’s always so awful to watch the divorces occur and the effect they have on these families. The kids. The only real losers in any divorce are the kids. Now, all I can see, and all I seem to want to look out for, are signs that they won’t work. My heart was stone before my relationship, then it melted and I felt like it would never harden again, but I was wrong. It didn’t return to being a rock, it turned into steel. I can’t feel good or happy for anyone (except one of my friends) because I don’t see any of them working out. My inclination to dissect and analyze things extend greatly into the area of relationships. I’ve wondered if maybe I’m jealous of my friends for getting married and finding the thing I can’t, but I don’t think that’s the case. I think my problem is more that I care too much about them, and that I can only accept the best for those I worry for. All I can see are the flaws, the incongruencies, the potential risk for the future.
And perhaps this is the exact reason why I can’t get a relationship to work out. Why I can’t find someone. My rigidity and exacting expectations knows no bounds. When the requirements are that high, it’s bound to fail. I remember myself making concessions, re-thinking my morals to accommodate those of my partner in order to make it work. Looking back on it, that’s a surefire sign of disaster because I know myself. And other people are like that too. It’s a farce we can’t play for a prolonged period of time. Maybe I could if I were 10 years younger. That’s the benefit of being young: you’re supple. Everything about you is flexible.
That’s what I’ve been trying to convince myself about my cousin’s marriage. They’re young. Really young. And I get his fears. But I also know what kind of changes occur when that brain finally starts to mature around 30 years old. When it all starts to become so rigid, set and hard to bend. It happened to my parents, and it’s happening to my patients. Maybe there’s a use-by date for marriages with kids: 10-13 years? That’s about the average in my patient pool. My parents’ relationship soured around that mark too. The childless marriages hardly ever fail. The large-gap marriages fail and badly.
I listen and observe my two co-workers who were married this year. They’re different from each other, the relationships and my vantage point as a 3rd party is beneficial to speculate into the future. I need to stop being so critical, though. I need to be happy for them. Or…at least try.