I am OLD

Yesterday was my birthday. Yet another birthday. It was great, though! Since I have no car and can’t go anywhere on my own, I got to spend time with my nephew and we spent the day at my grandparent’s house with my dogs too. I got everything I could want: family, dogs, time off work and a very short haircut. Doesn’t get much better than that.

My car came up to $3000 in replacements and repairs. It turned out more complex than the estimate dude thought, so now I’ll be without a car much longer than I thought. Thankfully my situation allows me the use of my family’s cars and my brother works from home for the most part. My insurance does not cover rental car because I bought it way back in 2010 when I was poor with the intention of changing it when I got a job, but it completely slipped my mind and there you have it. Later, I’ll definitely add it to my plan. After the rates hike up of course. Sigh.

I read an article the other day about this lady who divorced her husband and reflecting on how it went wrong and how now they get along so much better apart than ever together. Great as friends, but not as partners. I felt a bit guilty. It makes sense, to think of a marriage or any relationship at all as a partnership. I feel like there’s nothing anywhere that trains you on how to make a relationship work. Not school, not books, definitely not TV or movies. The clues are there, just never explicitly explained…instead the focus is all on marriage for love. Everyone gets that. All songs, most movies, video games, books…how to get the girl or guy, how gorgeous they have to be, the focus on lust…all physical feelings and attractions: exactly the stuff that make a baby happen and then guaranteeing a split. Primal. Maybe at one point in the existence of humans this was completely appropriate, but not in society now where it takes money, support, and psychology…and well, a partnership…to make it all work.

Now that I’ve read it, it all makes sense. I think about the team, the partnership concept, and look to where I have the best example of this: work. My co-worker/friend/former classmate. We work well together. VERY well together. I miss her heavily when she’s not there. We’re not friends so much in the sense that we hang out outside of work. I’ve done that on rare occasions and like back when we were in school. That’s our space. We work…together. I don’t lord over her, I don’t control her, in fact, she has my significant respect. I don’t want to change her. I pick up slack for her when she needs it, I help her out. She does the same for me. We agree on mostly the same morals. We have very similar work ethics. When I just can’t do something, I know that she’ll be able to and I pass it off to her. I’ll readily and do tell patients that if she can’t do something, I sure as heck can’t–I’m proud of her abilities. We’re partners. I care strongly about her well being, about her family and about her future. I never want to see her hurt. However, we are our own people and I never try to change that because if she ever did, that wouldn’t be her and I’d miss that too. We talk about deep things, about family. She listens, I listen to her. We exchange ideas. We are allowed to adopt the other’s ideas, or not. She’s her own person. We can sit in silence together and it’s not awkward at all. We have space and we have together time. A partnership. We work well in a team.

A relationship, in my opinion, should be very similar, with a few physical differences, but that shouldn’t be all it’s about. Based strongly off of respect for the other. Balanced in all ways, with space and with closeness. Never about changing the other or holding to expectations because that mere fact alone means that you don’t trust them to be able to accomplish things in life. No grading a relationship, no deep analysis. I am prone to it, because that’s how my brain thinks, but here’s the weird part about that: I have never ever analyzed my and my coworker’s relationship at all. There has never ever been a need to do so. It just exists, happily. Does that mean, then, that the relationship analysis only came about because there’s a sense that something is not quite right?

Sure, there are other things keeping us together, like money, and the workplace. Every relationship is different as well. Sparks peter off, beauty will fade. But money and kids can be that possible glue that keeps a couple together, though hopefully it doesn’t come to that. Well. Whatever the future holds for me relationship-wise, I do not want to repeat my mistakes. I will look at it like a partnership, no one higher than the other. That was our big problem. He kept saying that we’re so far apart in our life roads that we weren’t compatible. It’s true. I kept treating him like I was the teacher and he as the student…hardly an equality in respect. I don’t know if there was anything I super respected about him. He was like another younger brother to me and when I absorbed from him things I had no experience in, it was like a spider sucking all the juices out of a fly. There was nothing left, no fight in him either. I was fond of him. I NEED to respect my significant other…something I don’t give away lightly at all. That’s why I have so very few friends.

I don’t want to marry for love in the romantic sense. I think it’s folly to be overcome by emotion like that and make significant decisions. Not in my late age. That’s probably why people get married in their twenties: not only are you biologically peaked, but you’re not set in your ways yet. Not like I am now. Inflexible.


Car accident update

You know what’s really nice? Support from those who care about you. Cut to day after the accident. I wake up after sleeping on it and my head is clear. The first thing I do after the dog walk routine is review the footage from my dash cam. Seeing it again with fresh eyes and no fog in the brain, I realize what she was trying to do: make a U-turn! I remembered suddenly why I’ve seen that car before: she likes to park in front of the house and ever since they re-painted the lines there and gave that house much less room to navigate, that car became a big annoyance to everyone driving on the road. She was definitely trying to make a u-turn. It explains the damage on my car where she impacted me first, and why even though on the dash cam footage her wheels crossed the double yellow she she didn’t actually turn and ended up overshooting her driveway. It’s true that legally I should not have tried to go around her and pass on the right, but she should not have tried to make an illegal u-turn either and as my brother pointed out, neither was she supposed to turn across a double yellow. She was supposed to do as she’d indicated she was going to do. I mean, the way her parents were acting, I think they knew exactly what she was trying to do from the very beginning. Possibly even something they’d warned her not to do several times before.

When I got to work yesterday, my boss and coworker was listening to my account and both were indignant on my part. I was still very convinced that they were going to pin it on me for the legal portions. Both could picture in their heads the type of person/driver and the situation, and both were upset because they would’ve done the same in my position. My co-worker kept saying that’s how we all drive around here. I knew that too and figured that if it hadn’t been me, then it would’ve been a crash nonetheless with someone else. Someone would’ve done the exact same thing with the same result. Then I got home and my mom and brother suddenly start telling me how upset THEY are because it clearly was the other person’s fault. My mom had gone with my sister to visit my grandma and she got a good look at the crash area. All my supporters thought it shouldn’t be my fault because she clearly indicated her intention but then didn’t do it.

I was lucky yesterday because the body shop called me right when I got out of the shower, and then the adjuster called me just as I’d gotten to work early and was waiting in my car. It was comforting to know (even though I was nervous and wasn’t ready for the recorded dialogue I had with him. I’m SO glad I had the night to clear my mind) his statement that he didn’t know how this would rule out. I know they’ll fight for me even if State Farm told me straight up they were sure it was my fault. Even if I take the fall for it (which I still think I will) I’m very appreciative for everyone’s belief in my innocence, honesty, and car driving abilities.

I was afraid that I’d be scared to drive yesterday, but I wasn’t! I was more cautious and a little more nice when I drove…let me tell you: around here I was more nervous and scared when I DIDN’T drive “aggressively” because everyone else drives like that. My brother also pointed out that I probably wouldn’t have gotten into an accident if I was driving like normal which is very close and aggressively because I wouldn’t have HAD the room to go around her. He’s totally right! I was unusually chill and patient Thursday night and I do believe it had a hand in the crash…think about it: I wasn’t driving around and passing people aggressively and impatiently…in fact I was rather passive, and that placed me in the exact place at the exact time.

…The most perplexing part of the whole incident and the adjusted brought it up, was that I was unable to actually talk to the girl. It was the most awkward thing to jump out of my car, expecting the other person to do the same, and all she did was sit in her car. I was standing out there for a couple minutes like, what do I do? Then when she did come out it was because her parents came out and she was so hysterical, I wasn’t going to get involved with that. Screaming, yelling, expletives to her parents. Then even when I entered their house to review the dash cam footage, she absolutely refused to come inside and stayed inside of her car the entire time. I was only able to talk to her parents. Incriminates one more than absolves, eh? Like she did something she wasn’t supposed to do. If she thought she was not guilty she’d be quick to defend her story. She was impossible to communicate with and here I am. I told the whole truth in my own situation and I’ve not changed my story at all because it’s the truth. Words and emotions aside, the dash cam footage doesn’t lie.

I don’t believe in being dishonest. If it was 100% my fault and I was on my phone or otherwise distracted and smashed into the back of another car, then I would admit to it. Why lie? It makes no sense at all! I’d be scared of the consequences, but it’s exactly as it happened, no more, no less, no opinions.

Well…I felt better after it was all over. Unfortunately, I can’t get to the body shop for the estimate, which they’re anxiously waiting on, until Monday, but I feel perfectly fine and better that someone somewhere is going to take care of me for better or worse. Thank God for insurance…hah. I say that until my rates jump…but really, I don’t have thousands of dollars to have things fixed. I think when the collision people see the damage, they’ll have a much better picture of how it all played out.

It’s just amazing how having a good support system is so comforting. I can’t imagine how this would have played out if we were still with my dad. Actually, I can. They trust my honesty even if they weren’t there to see it for themselves.

Happy Year of the Dog!

Wear red! Be Happy! Eat good food! May you have a joyous and prosperous year!

I should speak ill of the departed, but that chicken/rooster had to have one last parting shot at me. Honestly I was waiting for it, but became complacent. All week I was trying to be careful because I knew the New Year was coming, but what better time to strike than at the very end? Right in my own neighborhood, less than 30 seconds from my house, I was involved in a car accident last evening coming home. After sitting in terrible rush hour traffic and getting out late from work, one wishy-washy girl later and CRRSSSH. I was really rather lucky, however because while the girl herself was literally hysterical, her dad was very calm, collected and fair. She wouldn’t talk to me at all and didn’t even jump out of her car to meet me, so I was awkwardly standing around by myself until her mom came out (it was right in front of her house). Nothing terrible, just scrapes and a dent on the side of my car. Unfortunately for me, however, no one would ever rule that accident in my favor and I’ll admit that it was due to assumptions and trust that this driver was going to do what she indicated she was going to do. Dash cam shows it, but all legal powers viewing the footage would agree it was most certainly my fault. No one wanted to call the cops, so we let our insurance handle it all. I ruminated it over all night and now, of course, my insurance is going to go up, I’m sure. Long and short of it? I was driving in behind her on our neighborhood road (I was super chill today which is not normal, but I was really tired), going rather slowly. She slowed down and signaled her intention to turn into her house driveway, so as she came to a stop (you can see on the dash cam that she had crossed the double yellow to turn), she’d left enough room that I could go around her in consideration of the rush hour line behind me. I made sure no one was coming up on the merge and proceeded to go around when for whatever reason she DIDN’T turn and decided to go straight, right into me. It was like a dream and for a little bit I wondered if this was at all real. Oh it was real enough when I opened the door and saw the dents and scratches. I tried to be as fair and impartial as possible, and while it is as I always say: nervous and wishy washy people are always the cause of accidents, not confident people, I should never had made any assumptions as to her intentions. The more I look at the footage, the more I realize what she was trying to do, which was make a U-turn to park on the street in front of her house. Explains why she went not only forward but to the right. She should not have done that on such a busy street and I should not have tried to go around and waited to see what she was going to do. And because we didn’t call the cops, the only clear loser is me. At least no one got a ticket, though. I would have gotten, at minimum, failure to yield, passing on the right, etc. Ruminating all night and evening on it, I kept wondering how it could have been different…if I’d stayed one more minute at work to talk, if I hadn’t run that yellow, or if I had decided to be more aggressive instead of as chill as I was yesterday, if I’d been more impatient and made a turn onto a different route home, if there were more people at the stop sign, if she had stayed more to the right instead of the left. I guess…someone else might have gotten into that accident, not me…given how everyone drives around here, I’m 50% sure that another person would have done the same thing I did and made the same assumptions. I’ve lived here long enough to know. Maybe that other person would have been much more nasty and I saved her that. All I know is that she acted very strangely: wouldn’t get out of her car, wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t even go into her own house, screamed and yelled and cursed her father out, adamantly refused to leave the safety of her car the whole time I was talking to her parents. It was a minor accident, but I guess in her head it was this monumental thing. He told me that she had JUST had an accident in the same place not 2 weeks ago, so I guess this was horrifically traumatic for her.

Well, no matter where the fault lies, that girl is fighting some terrible demons right now. I’m not unscathed psychologically because I’m mad that my perfect record is dead and that now I have to deal with my car and insurance and WHAT A PAIN. And my plan for doing house stuff next week? GONE. Again. I don’t know why every time I want to go down and do house stuff I can’t. It’s like something is telling me not to, to wait, not to finish, not to sell. Not yet! WHYYYYY????

It’s very warm today and the dogs were unable to sleep all night long it was so stuffy. 70 degrees in the middle of February…and snow in the forecast for tomorrow! Now that I have the window open, Gable is napping. My golden dog. Well, I hope this whole thing gets dealt with easily and quickly so that I can maybe enjoy some of my week off…instead of sitting around moping. That’s another lucky thing: that it happened right before I take a week off work.

C’mon year of the dog!!! Help me out here! Some good events please! It’s Friday everyone! Enjoy it!

I’m Rather Convinced it’s Spring

Considering how the temperature high is going to be a steady 50-60 degrees for the next 2 weeks with rain and sunshine, I feel like it’s safe to say the groundhog was wrong and spring has arrived. The birds are singing, the trees are budding and my bulbs are growing. Came home to insulation all over the front porch where squirrels are busy forming nests inside our neighbor’s attic. While it’s not unheard of to get snow in March, February looks done for in terms of winter. Dashed are my hopes of one good snow this year. That’s year 2 that there hasn’t been anything to write home about. Figures that 2 years ago we had so much snow I decided to get all geared up in the event we have another one. Hah. Snow blowers everywhere collecting dust in my region. I won’t complain too much because this is exactly what I wanted since I have off next week in order to accomplish anything at the house. Speaking of which, I may decide to have a pallet of mulch delivered to the house so I can get a head start on that. I do need to sell after all and I can only do that in the spring time. The earlier I can accomplish that, the better, and it seems mother nature has made that possible. It’s go time next week to do marathon fence staining!  …I think I’m going to have to ask for many more days off of work this year to deal with the house selling.

So many things to accomplish…Things cost too much and yet I keep buying crap at every turn. I need to pay for materials to fix up the house. My car desperately needs maintenance, but I’m trying HARD to wait until March so I can get it all done at once and wait for the credit card statements to close and have yet another month to pay it. I very strongly want to book the beach vacation, but I need to be able to pay the down payment for that which is half of the price and holy moly that’s expensive. Gable’s checkup is due in August, so Monday’s visit wasn’t too terribly expensive. At least my miniscule tax return is something to look forward to. Hmm…I think I’m going to try and do that on Saturday before I leave for South.

On top of it all my doughnut belly is driving me batty. It’s really very big.

You know what’s interesting? Gable and Liana’s duties as dogs in my pack. I’ve begun to notice again their mannerisms when we’re on a pack walk. Gable’s job is lookout. Both of their jobs (and I think I’m supposed to do this too…) are lookout when others are busy being vulnerable (ie pooping and peeing), but Gable is the primary on that because Liana is always sniffing something. He’s the low dog in the pack and she’s higher than him. I’m supposed to be the highest, so technically if there’s a threat, I command them and protect them because I’m supposed to be the most powerful. I really hope I come across like that. Anyways, Gable is extremely active with his lookout duties and I’ve never ever been afraid with him. All I have to do is watch his movements to know where people are and how far away they are. For instance, the other night he was staring…STARING…at a man standing in front of his house smoking as I was waiting for Liana to choose a place to mark, and I hadn’t noticed his presence. Then last night I noticed that as I was navigating the mailbox, I turned around Gable had situated himself  with his back to us, facing the sidewalk and path to the extremely dark area between and behind our houses, ears up and on high alert. Liana does it too when Gable is otherwise preoccupied, but she seems to be more alert to other dogs and distracted by small animals. She takes great responsibility in alerting and protecting us from other dogs, though, no matter their distance. Gable doesn’t care as much about dogs unless they are very close. At home, Gable has no protective duties unless it deals with the front door (whereupon he stands there looking big), but Liana is very active defending the home from passer-by dogs and squirrels. She gets loudly upset and barks like a mad dog, hackles up and all. Typically, though, if a stranger knocks on the door, everyone just lays there until someone decides they want to get up. LOL.

Ash Wednesday

And I am constipateddddddd. Auuuuuuugh. WHere are the PRUNES?

Ash Wed. A time to be grateful for what you have. There are so many things in life I take for granted and I see that with all the older patients I have. Just walking, moving, talking, sitting, lying down, overall health is so hard. Don’t take anything for granted. I am blessed in life right now, very blessed. I don’t want to waste it because nothing will be as easy as this ever again. No hurry to get older. If you want to do it, go do it. No regrets.

Crazy Weather

Iiiiiiit’s Tuesday again!!

And it’s also cold again, only to jump up past 70 degrees on Thursday how exciting!! I noticed buds forming on the plants outside today. That’s bad because I know there’s ice coming in the forecast. Buuh. My bulbs were starting to sprout out back too. Eh, what can you do? Well, as for me, since I HAVE NEXT WEEK OFF FOR MY BIRTHDAY WHOOOO, I’m going to try an take advantage of the weather to do outside work finally. Please stay warm through that for me so that I can actually do something.

heh heh heh…every single year I take off work around my birthday because that’s what I really want: to not work. People take off of work to go travel and stuff but I take it off and lounge around because that’s what makes me happy. Especially in this area, people will look negatively on me for not wanting to make exotic trips or for excitement filled vacations, but I like them. I’m not a frills person. I don’t care at all for anything super fancy. I DO want to visit some picturesque locales and see the grandeur of nature, but the other stuff? Not so much. If I went, that’d be nice, but I don’t feel the absolute desire or need to do any of it. I understand other cultures, and other socioeconomic backgrounds. I am well aware that our culture here is only one of very many throughout the world, that other countries go about things differently. I don’t judge anyone for anything in that aspect. Many of my patients are world travelers, have lived all over the world. The vast majority of those residing here are those types of people, one because of work (government, military) or two because they can actually afford to travel (money and time). When I tell people I just don’t have that travel bug people are genuinely confused. Once again, I’d much rather take a hike and visit all the national parks than go somewhere bustling and fussy.

Haha. I’m too different to live here. I don’t enjoy the fast pace, or the impatience, or the lack of space or the crowds or the emphasis on self and money or the entitlement everyone exudes. But. Here I am. And I’m not going anywhere any time soon it seems.

How’d this turn into that.

One thing I’m starting to enjoy quite a bit is cooking! It’s like any of my creativity projects, except edible! Making new flavors, exploring new dishes! It’s much more helpful to not have to cook for anyone but myself (and my dogs) but it’s also nice to be able to get feedback and share the taste and creation with others. Unfortunately for me, when I do cook for others they have very limited taste due to food allergies and such. No matter what, I’ve been cooking just for myself lately rather often and it’s great! Usually what I do is figure out what’s on sale at the grocery store, then I start looking online for said items and add the word recipe to it. Many times I don’t get good hits because of the particular set of ingredients I have to work with, so I’ll combine different recipes to get an end result, plus, of course, my own taste. The only limitation is that I have to be able to feed whatever it is to my dogs too. There have been some flops but last night’s was very good! I greatly enjoyed it and am already thinking about how to make it better. My success rate is much higher than my failure rate.

Ever since I ate that Texas doughnut which was bigger than my head, I’ve been struggling with the addition of several inches to my waistline. It’s been absolutely terrible. Add in the bloating of a certain time of month, and BOOM. My muscles are doing really well. The weights are staying constant, my leg muscles are limber as well as my ab muscles. This was all evidenced last night when I skipped the cardio for floor exercises and stretches. And there’s the problem right there: lazing out on the cardio. My body does NOT want to do it, I’m so heavy, the cardio is slow and my heart is not liking it. I can’t do the DDR anymore because of the addition of a mattress downstairs, Just Dance is also not doable because people are always upstairs and the TV downstairs has been moved down South. Mostly I’ve been doing my own dance routines and it works except I’m so lazy! Weights are more fun for me because I see results and quickly, but cardio feels BAD, my feet hurt and it never seems enough. Also, portion control has been awful because  I end up having to eat leftovers myself so I don’t have to waste food and throw them away.  The jiggles…THE JIGGLES.

But yeah, it’s bad when I can sit here and feel the stomach bulge squish together. I hate that feeling…

Gable’s vet appointment went well yesterday. When we came home he almost ripped off my arm running up to greet Liana who literally ran out to see him too. It was absolutely adorable. They really and truly do love each other. She was terrified that I’d take him away and never come back with him again, just like last year…


If I was a Man

Aside from my brother constantly telling me I’m half man, that I really do feel like I had a male twin that died in utero and therefore I absorbed some of his testosterone, that I’m really not particularly feminine in many ways, I really am female. I don’t know if it’s just the way my brain operates where I feel like everything is so amazingly interesting when others don’t want to think a certain way or feel like those certain types of thoughts are “weird” or “strange” or “why-do-you-think-like-that,” but I think about stuff like, would it be like if I were male instead of female? Not in the sense that I wish I was or not, just a what-if. Similarly my brain will think of things like, of all the people and life forms that exist on this planet, I am me. Why? I could have been a bee, or my neighbor, or that idiot I just honked at, but I’m me! That’s just cool! Or, what’s the point of life? Why do we run this rat race? What’s it all for? What does it matter if I have a lot of money or become rich and famous, or even if I decide I want to be a druggie? Why do we even exist? Or about paranormal phenomena, or about how the body works, etc. Just, purely for understanding’s sake.

Others find it all too deep, too thinky, too…strange. Bothersome. I haven’t found a single person with whom I can talk about things like this to and have them one, not run away screaming, two, actually listen to me without zoning out, and three (the most important) actually understand what I’m saying and think one the same plane. My mom is probably the closest, but she doesn’t think on the level I do. It’s something I’ve come to accept: that I don’t think like others do or vice versa. Nothing that I look down on people or in any direction at all, just that’s how it is.

Haha…honestly it’s all rather cumbersome, this style of thought. It drives more people away than to me. Too many times have others been offended by what I say even though I don’t mean anything judgmental. I like to think that my thoughts are realistic. Then again…words don’t mean the same thing to me as other people either. Take the word “realistic” for example: what does that mean to you? What does the word “real” mean? Typically, my understanding of a word — or my thinking, really — is what I describe as round. Not linear, round. Encompassing. Whole. A globe. My thought process is indeed, round, if you were to give it a shape. Realistic can mean, pragmatic, down to earth, right? But it also means true. In my sense, I feel that my thoughts are realistic because they are true, they are exactly what I feel.

When I was in college, I had a friend who was struggling in a class. I asked her if she needed help, because I could help her. She was offended because for some reason she didn’t want MY help, seeing as maybe her intelligence should be equal to or greater than my own? I may not have gotten the chance to go to schools on par with my true academic abilities, and I may not flaunt it either, but I am a good student. I’ve always been a good student. That’s why I have always been at the very top of my classes. LET ME HELP YOU. If anyone tells you that, your first reaction is what? To be offended. Why are you boasting and rubbing that in my face, do you think I’m dumb or not smart?  I have never understood that mindset. If I don’t know something, I have ZERO issues admitting that I don’t know, because, well, I don’t know! Teach me! Why must people pretend to know things they don’t? Pride? To what end? And similarly, if I know something, then I know it. I’m NOT BOASTING. I’m merely telling you a truth. I know my strengths. I know my weaknesses. Let me help! Needless to say, she didn’t let me help. Oh well. I tried.

It’s interesting whenever I admit my academic achievements. Not to anyone either, just to myself. It’s always been something I keep within me because I know how it makes others feel. I’m no genius. I had a personal encounter with a genius and there are EXTREMELY intelligent people out there. I consider myself above average intelligence, with a unique brain. Really and truly, if I were to pat myself on the back, I really have always been top of my class. I kept all of my report cards. In my senior year in HS, when I found out that I was tippity top percentage of my class (my orchestra 1st period teacher was super proud, my friend was mad jealous, and I was very embarrassed) I purposefully slacked off so that I wouldn’t be either valedictorian or salutatorian. It worked. They asked me repeatedly in middle school to attend governor’s school for the gifted mind. I repeatedly declined, much the fury of my father. I was one of 2 students in college that made it as a junior into Phi Beta Kappa. Never graduated from there. I never had a choice as to what college to go to, so I don’t and won’t ever know the full extent of my abilities. Same in my career. Life hurdles made it impossible to realize my full potential. BUT HERE’S THE THING: it goes back to when I said towards the beginning that my mind likes to think about deep questions: what’s the point? Whether I land a successful, high end, high paying, high tier, high respect job, what’s the trade off? I’ve had barriers to my potential my whole life. Like I was never destined for it. Now that those shackles are gone and I’m in an extremely favorable place and position to achieve any dreams like that I desire, I find that I…don’t really care to. Why? Why should I?

I wonder, sometimes, what it would have been like to have made that decision to go to governor’s school. To choose the best college. To shoot and aim high, to hit my target. Those people have lives, responsibilities, bills, woes, happiness, just like anyone else. And they’ll die just like everyone else too. The same percentage and capacity of debt, just in a different life tier. More cushy, a loftier view. Farther to fall. More blindness. And much more effort to keep your balance the higher you go. Mortality remains the same.

Wow. I am super duper sleepy.

Heh. Will I ever find someone who can think the round way I do? I can’t even describe that roundness properly. Eh, that doesn’t matter either, does it? Nothing does. I’m just too weird, too cuckoo anyways. Does any of this post even make sense of follow a logical path? Beh.

Oh, and as Valentine’s Day approaches this single lady, the answer to my question a few years ago: my significant other can NOT be a non-thinker. I need someone with a decent head between their shoulders. Basically, it’ll be impossible to find anyone who can tolerate this insanity I call my mind. What a joke it all is.

Good night.

OH yeah. The whole reason I wanted to write a post was to show this image: I found a quiz online that would take pictures of you and show you what you’d look like as the opposite sex. It was pretty neato and fun. Even if some of them didn’t even change the original picture for the result. Sometimes I make a nice looking guy, lol. Also, I was trying to figure out how it worked. Either they just pull from a big library of pictures and meld them together, or they just masculinize it by thickening and straightening eyebrows, pull down and square the jaw, make the nose bigger, add a little facial hair, bigger forehead. They look all so different though, that’s why I thought they just pulled on a library of male faces.