Back to It

Soooo. It’s back to work today. I just had a week off because my bosses were on vacation.

Me? I didn’t do anything special, didn’t go anywhere particular exciting. It’s an off year this year.

So, what did I do then? Well, surprisingly, quite a bit if you’re looking to see if I was productive at all. I was originally supposed to wander South in order to finish up things and to take out the trash and such, but one excuse after another and I ended up asking my brother to do it for me. My major excuse was that I didn’t want to sleep on the floor  (which I don’t because I’m too old and too fat for that now) but it’s really more of sadness I think. Like, if I stay away it’s not going to happen that I will no longer own that home. I love that house, even if in total I never stayed there longer than a year. My brother and sister have spent so much more time there and they’re equally attached to that home. It’s a good house with a good energy. Infused with hopes, dreams, happiness and love. My dogs loved that home. Liana wanted to stay there forever if she could. Gable, while not as attached as Liana, still loves it too. You should have seen him the other day when I brought him. He was just stamping his feet, impatient to be let outside. I half wonder if Liana’s soul is residing there. Maybe he just equates it with happiness, just like me.

Anyways, I ended up staying in the beginning of the week, but not without things to do! No! I had decided to proceed with the massive and overdue undertaking of switching my rooms around. The rooms are so small in the townhouse that I span 2 of them. Every so often, I move the beds around, but this was no mere bed moving. I meant to really move things around. Books, bookcases, the whole shebang. What ended up happening spanned THREE days, from Monday to Wednesday, though technically it’s still ongoing because I have 2 small piles in both rooms of stuff I don’t know where to put. It was extremely overwhelming and tiring. Maybe there’s a reason I shouldn’t do this in the summer time. Every day I had sweat literally running and dripping off of my forehead. Even with furniture movers, those things are crazy heavy! Then there was the issue of digging through everything and deciding what is junk and what is not. It’s amazing how much stuff accumulates after several years. What’s more amazing, though, that I just could not stop talking about, was the DUST. That unbelievable layer of dust on and especially behind everything. Now it all makes sense: why I would cough or sneeze every single morning and why I couldn’t get better when I was sick. As I was cleaning, I just coughed and sneezed everywhere. Now, I don’t do that anymore in my bed unless the outside air is bad. Just have to remember to dust and vacuum! Speaking of which, the Kirby is just amazing. I don’t know what we sucked up before. It feels so good now to look at the (clean parts of) the rooms and see everything in its proper places with extraneous junk gone.  The only bit left are the small piles and the closets, though I’ve done those through the years, so they’re not bad.

Interspersed with all of that was a good amount of Dragon Quest Builders 2, which I finished now. The ending was AWESOME and I was correct with my assumption that they’re based on the original games. Post-game content is sadly lacking, but I still managed to log in many many hours so far. I’m still intent on building replicas of each house I’ve ever lived in. Will save for Buildertopia.

Wednesday also saw me go to Tires Plus for my car. A/C service and oil change. No matter how many different places I go, I always end up coming back to them. I love the Pennzoil oil and just like them even though the manager guy is strange-funny. Nice people, though, that don’t shove things down your throat. I decided to open a credit card through them because I can tell that the age of my car means that things are about to happen to it. He was sooo happy that I opened the card, he even showed me his. haha. It’s nice. Anything over $150 and you get 6 months to pay it off. Afterwards we went to visit my grandparents. I was so angry at my uncle because they have this simple clock with a pendulum on the wall that needed a new battery. My uncle apparently used to do it for them but this time refused to do it. The way it sounded, I thought the mechanism was super complicated or it needed a special battery. Turns out none of that was the case. It needed a C battery and it was cheaper than it looked, which meant it was super light and easy to rehook. The only problem I saw was that it was teetering on a small screw that was just sitting in drywall, so I stuck it in a wall anchor, though that’s not ideal either. Something so simple and he was content denying my grandparents something they rely heavily upon. I was pretty depressed going to their house this time, though. The outside is unkempt. It’s almost like no one’s living there. I feel like I should come by and do marathon outdoor cleanup, but not in the summer. I’m doing enough of that South where there are less voracious bugs. It was also so hot in the house that Gable ended up getting a bit of hyperthermia and was weird the rest of the night.

Thursday was me going South by myself to bring back my garden cart and anything else I could fit in there. That stuff is heavy. Doesn’t help that I haven’t officially worked out in a while. Then it was more video games.

Friday was my “Day off,” the first day I had to myself on my week off.

Saturday was back South, this time with Gable for weeding! Because it was the last hurrah for most people, traffic was annoying. There was a desperation in the driving like no one wanted summer to end. It took me forever to get there (thick fog too which for some reason makes everyone scared or slow) which meant less time weeding before it got too hot. I managed another 1/3 of the back flower bed. That crabgrass is INSANE. The last 1/3 is the toughest part too. Sigh. This coming Saturday will be that last bit if it’s not raining. That will have to be enough, even though I was unable to finish the back 1/3 of the lawn. Then I went inside and started emptying all of the cabinets. My brother came up and was kind of weird. I helped him bring his dresser up into his car and it was tremendously heavier than I remembered. I couldn’t tell if it was because I was so tired from being in the sun, but I am certainly stronger now than I was before. Hmm. Then again, after Liana, my bulk is all but gone and I haven’t been keeping up with myself well. After that he kind of watched me empty stuff and when I finally left, I realized he was so strange because he was sad. Like, really sad. I knew it! He always claimed to only go down because I needed him to cut the grass (true) but I knew it to be more than that. Like I said, we are all so attached to that home for different reasons. Even my brother in law’s mom loved that house. I was extremely tired the rest of the day.

Sunday was another day of rest, though I felt crazy antsy all day, like my body wanted to do something stimulating. Gable was being stubborn so I was cracking down on his annoying eating habits. Again.

Monday (yesterday) was a sad day for me. I kept walking around like I didn’t want something to come (work) but I tried to play video games to rid myself of the feeling. It’s also hard when you have a dog that won’t eat. I was playing DQB2 but it was so buggy that I decided to switch over to Fire Emblem just for a bit and then ended up playing 5 hours of it. That’s why you don’t start games you don’t intend to commit to.

That leads me to today. I don’t know how to go about feeding Gable today. There’s a reason why I stopped making him eat half kibble and then giving him stuff. That would be ideal, but it doesn’t work with my work schedule anymore. I don’t even know how I used to do it.

Also, my stomach has been hurting. I wonder why. Wish me luck going back to work today. This is the last week of summer before school starts around here. I’m going to savor the last week of summer traffic before it all goes back to hell next week.

Advertisements

Hmmm

I was telling my mom this morning that I dreamt of Liana last night. We were in a vast green field in the war sunshine and she ran and ran and ran. I was laughing, she was laughing and it was awesome. She would run around ahead of me (no collar, no leash, just free and no graying fur) and look back with that face she always had when we were going somewhere fun and she wanted me to hurry and come with her.

My mom stared at me and was quiet for a little, like she was emotional, and then told me that she dreamt of Liana too. That she was smiling and in the sun.

I kind of blinked incredulously at her and then it made me smile. My baby is happy.

And just for the record this is probably the very first dream I’ve had of her where she isn’t pooping and peeing on stuff. I guess she’s done being mad at me finally.

:)

Good Grief…

…I was super excited about having extra time this morning to bum around on the internet and get my dream blog going, but then I saw a post about how the DAMN Republicans including Trump are blaming video games again for the shootings despite repeated evidence that it does not contribute to violence in the vast majority of gamers. I couldn’t help myself, so I had to formulate and response. It also took me the better part of an hour apparently. HOW. Anyways, here it is:

I have played and continue to play video games since I was very small. I LOVE them. All of them. Not just the shooting ones like non-gamers think all video games are, but the cute ones, the creative ones, the puzzles, the racing ones. Some of them are very violent and I like those too. I prefer them to movies because it gets me in the driver seat and not just mindlessly being told what to feel, see and hear. Honestly, they’re just interactive books. Don’t tell me there aren’t violent movies or graphic books and novels, either, because that’s not true. With all that said, I also abhor killing any insect spider-sized and larger (unless they attack me) and will try to prevent others from killing them so that I can relocate them outside. Everything in this world is fighting for survival down to the not-quite-alive virion/virus. When you learn about how the human body works or how any living body works, it’s so absolutely amazing that you start to wonder how anyone and seek to harm such an evolutionary marvel. I HATE this argument with a passion, but it just highlights how the ones who use it like a convenient scapegoat that will ally them with anyone who might agree. They are same people who can easily hate or dismiss anything before truly trying or getting to know something/someone, just as long as  it furthers their agenda. OK, getting off the soapbox.

My weekend was quick despite how productive it was. They tend to seem more slow when I get things done. Apparently not today. We’re coming very close to my self-induced deadline for removing everything from the house and I have NOT gotten closer to the goal. There’s still a lot of stuff there. Well. Not really. But more than I want. I spent my entire Saturday weeding the creeping thyme and got a tan for it (that sun is crazy hot). Unbelievable hot insidious the weeds are. The worst parts saw them choking and killing the thyme, even though it’s a crazy strong plant to begin with. Even with that, I’m still losing the weed war. Only put a dent in about 1/3 of the entire stock of weeds there. It will take me probably another month to de-weed it all. Bug spray this time around! Also managed to put down new polymeric sand and felt like a dentist doing it, what with the paper towel matrices. LOL.

Although…it didn’t matter much because this neighbor lady caught me testing out the jungle gym behind the house and wanted to pet my dog. It was an awkward 10 minutes for me and I got massacred by mosquitoes anyways. In other news, I can actually swing this bovine body to a 2nd monkey bar! The strength is there, but the palm calluses are not. I’d be curious to see if I could do it with powder or gloves. My pristine hands these days, lol. I used to have serious calluses as a kid.

I cleaned half the pantry. I only managed HALF in 4 or 5 hours. It’s a disaster in there, moreso than other years and I do this semi-annually.

Dang it. Running out of time!

I managed to get in touch with a different gutter cleaning company because the first one told me I could schedule via email and then just didn’t respond and it’s been over a week. The new one is much much more reliable. How do you run a business like that. Clearly they don’t need my business, I guess that’s what happens when you’re so big.

Wow.

Spending the morning watching sad/beautiful videos about animal rescues and such…I can never help but tear up big time.

I ended up with close to 20 mosquito bites this weekend from marathon weed picking. A dose of heat exhaustion thrown in there and boom, weekend killer. Getting things done, though! The South house is slowly getting emptier and emptier. We’re getting close to the time!

I had to throw away 3 of Gable’s beds because he pooped on them on Friday. And I stepped in it. Twice. Before having to go to work. In all honesty, they weren’t his beds, but hers. The joke was that he wanted to make sure that we got rid of her smell that she could go away. I have reason to believe that her spirit continues to stay, though not for us so much as for my nephew. Her spirit was hanging around the first several days for sure, but for me, I haven’t sensed her since. My mom was telling me about an event a week or 2 ago where my nephew was trying to play ball with Gable who didn’t care, so he went in and was “playing” with Liana. Or rather, her statue. He’d bounce the ball at her and it would bounce back at him. Then, the same week he woke up from his nap, pointed at the closet and said, “Na-na!” That’s what he calls her. Kind of creepy, but sad at the same time. In truth, it’s probably a good thing I have to throw those beds out because I’ve been wanting to but have had no good reason to do so. It IS better to have less reminders of her. Perhaps Gable feels the same?

On that note, I realized yesterday that I’m still in the thick of a depression from her death. Though the brunt of it is over, the grief continues to linger. In all honesty, I’ve known about it, but I’ve been trying to sweep it to the backburner–just like I have been since the day she died. Life doesn’t stop for the death of a dog. I still had to go to work and deal with my patients who these past 5 years have been big fans of my dog stories. It’s tough being reminded and having to re-live her passing at least twice a week. She was my everything and everything reminds me of her in some shape or form. Things don’t matter anymore to me, not like they used to. I’ve been drowning myself in video games and creative pursuits, hoping they would make me feel something. Food isn’t as interesting, I don’t even want human company. The yard I was always so proud of? Scraggly and unkempt. And I don’t care. Even buying everything like I’ve done lately doesn’t help at all.

Unfortunately, I’ve not been treating Gable fairly. My mind has been and still is in a daze, I think. My zest for dogs is gone. It’s scary, actually, to realize this. There has been a rash of new dogs around the neighborhood. All big dogs. People I don’t recognize. I should be happy (I feel responsible for people getting 2 dogs and the dog craze boom here to begin with. I mean, walking 2 beautiful big dogs and at times 3, is pretty darn impressive. People around here don’t know me, but they do know my dogs) because dogs are awesome, but I can’t feel that way. Instead, I feel annoyed.

This whole epiphany thing came to light yesterday when I was walking past a car like normal. Typically people wait for you to walk by before jumping out especially if you have a dog, but she basically jumped out right in front of me which already annoyed me so I gave her a look, and THEN she reached out to touch Gable who crossed over to the right side in order to do so. He wouldn’t come with me, getting attention from the person which filled me with a rage. I jerked him towards me and flashed her another look, one she returned smugly. My anger is one that is difficult to control and honestly, I haven’t had the energy or desire to feel much of anything lately. I struggled to control it. Gable kept turning around to look at her and wouldn’t heed my leash commands. That’s when it dawned on me that I’ve been completely neglecting him and his needs. All I can think of is Liana. I’ve basically been letting him do whatever he wants, having no desire to keep up with his training or discipline. I’m not that kind of dog owner. I’m all about discipline. I reprimanded him and gave him a dose of training that I haven’t had to do for a while. He was cowed, but he’s a good boy. Obedient. He did exactly as I asked him to. He’s been wetting the bed again and not eating all of his food. I keep thinking about why he went to that stranger when all these years he knew the rules. He broke 3 rules in one action: Never cross to the other side without my OK, never greet people or other dogs unless I give the OK, and always come when commanded. Maybe she was more stable than I’ve been. Maybe I’ve been ignoring him and he’s starved for attention. Maybe I’ve been so lenient with him that he’s his own master now.

That all needs to change. And until I can get my butt into gear and take charge of my life again, there can be no moving forward. I’ll regret not spending more time with him. My fastidiousness that has (I like to think) inspired people around me (the dog boom and even the lawn–all my neighbors have been ripping up and laying down sod and landscaping because for the longest time mine was the only one that was nice) is gone and needs to come back. I haven’t even been taking pictures of my favorite muse: my dog. Cooking is lackluster.

How do I kick this?

Te Power of One

During my commute today, which was no different, really, from any other commute day (perhaps aside from there being relatively less people than last week) I traveled behind one older Lexus suv (Rav 4 size) which was annoying because it kept repeatedly stamping its brake. That and the telltale dent on the left back bumper translates for me to keep my distance. It wove in and out of traffic never gaining much more than 2 or 3 cars in front of me. I ended up behind a white and tan F-150 meaning that I couldn’t see in front of it which didn’t matter because it was driving very favorably and I enjoyed being behind it. Well, even though I could not see around it, I always knew when the Lexus had cut back in front of it because it would brake. There was a Kia Optima behind me that thought I was driving poorly and would constantly try to get around only to get stuck behind. What it didn’t know was that every time I drove “poorly” was when I was behind the Lexus. And every time the Kia changed lanes and I suddenly became a better driver was because they always changed lanes with the Lexus.

It just made me think about the power of 1 and how one person’s actions can largely affect the people around them. The surrounding people have no idea what caused the cascade of events, just that some negative power is at play. It only takes one worm to spoil the whole basket. On the flipside of that is the power of 1 for good. The F-150 in front of me was very calm and remained a calm force throughout, preventing the spread of this anxiety virus. Certainly you’ve seen before where one aggressive driver breeds several others in retaliation. Then everyone’s defenses are up.

Power. For positive or negative. The butterfly effect is real. Use the Force!

Obsesssssssed

I spent the ENTIRE WEEKEND playing Dragon Quest Builders 2. Been hotly waiting for the release of this game complete with girly squees since I sadly beat the last game. It’s basically the first game except 3x better. How it was meant to be played. Just like the original Dragon Quest games, the first game is single character and limited, but still fun. The second has multiple characters, more exploration and more intuitive. While you have the option to do whatever you want in the time frame you want to, you’re subtly encouraged to do the storyline for more items and more recipes and such. Perfect setup. Just perfect. I love sandbox type games, but I hate the ones that have almost no direction. Like Skyrim. It’s too much too fast and I quickly lost interest. This is perfect execution so far. You know a game is good when you’re playing by yourself and you find yourself smiling like a fool at what’s happening on-screen. The first chapter which is always the tutorial chapter is slowly paced and expansive. I was surprised at how many quests there were and how long it was. Bodes well for the rest of the game. I’m currently only scratching the surface of the 2nd chapter. That was another one of my complaints about the first game: far too short.

Phew. I actually have to TRY to not touch the game this week after work. This level of obsession on my part is the level where I drop everything to do it. Meaning, I literally will do nothing else. Must have self-control. I need to do laundry and workout and other things, but if I lay my hands on it for just a few seconds, those seconds quickly turn into an hour. That’s why I’ve been going to sleep at 2am from Friday to Sunday night. Very strange for me.

Poor Gable hates when I obsess about games like this. Speaking of Gable, though, I was given a strong scare Saturday night. That morning the only weird thing was that he didn’t want to come home from the walk. He was super excited and wanted to go somewhere, but when he realized I wasn’t going anywhere (because I stayed up super late on launch day for DQB2) he was very sad. He seemed ok all day. I fed him in the morning and then sat right down (8am) to start my binge-playing. He slept, doing the kicking and pfoo pfoos . Then I left to take my mom and buy squirrel prevention stuff and we went grocery shopping. By the time we got home he was lying there, not bothering to greet us. Usually that means that he’s mad. My brother had sent a picture of him greeting him when he walked into the door, so he was fine then too. Well. We prepared steak and grills and such which usually gets him super excited, but he just lay there. I gave him beef samples and he literally refused to touch them. Then when we were good and worried, we found that his paws were ridiculously cold. The rest of him was fine, though felt a little strange-warm. I took his temperature which was 97.1 F. Not too out of the ordinary. His gums were healthy, good blanching and his skin wasn’t dehydrated. He wasn’t limping. No cuts, no bugs. He continued to refuse to eat even thought I tried to spoon feed him. I ended up giving him a Rimadyl and lay with him the rest of the evening. He leaned in close to me and when I shifted a little away because the ground was so hard, he scooted so that he pushed into me. I was worried. Very worried. He slept quietly that night, so much so that I was afraid he’d stopped breathing.

The next morning he was back to normal and I took him to the park where it was like he was dipped into the elixir of life. He was ECSTATIC and beside himself with joy. Gable was back! No more cold paws, very strong appetite. I was relieved. In retrospect, I joked that it was like Liana had possessed him. The inexplicable ice-cold front paws. The waiting a long time to come in for dinner when called. The same head-turn for refusal of food. Even the way he pushed into me when I lay close. In reality, I know it was probably more like a minor fever from a small infection or a head cold. That’s why the Rimadyl helped. It could even have been the heat.

Ah well. I’m glad to have him back.

Less Bulky

Ever since Liana passed away I’ve no longer the need for my bulked up muscles. I know Gable is still around, but I simply don’t think I can carry him for any length of time no matter how bulky. He flails and bites and as I found with Liana, even if I could lift him onto my shoulders the long greyhound body shape is not conducive to should carrying. Their thick torso means that it’s the crotch area that sits on the back of the neck which defeats the purpose of putting them on your shoulders because whichever side is the anterior portion of their body is going to be 2/3 the weight. It’s not evenly distributed. I had a lot of trouble going for a length of time with her on my shoulders because one side was so heavy and the other was not. You don’t weight train like that. LOL. AND. Gable is male. Any time I try to pick him up around his crotch area he screams like it hurts a lot. I’m not a man, so I don’t know, but basically, if I ever have to pick him up, I just won’t be able to.

Anyways. I noticed yesterday that the shirts that I bought specifically because I found I could not fit in regular female t-shirts (the shoulder area) are no longer tight. They’re loose around the upper body. It annoys me a bit that it flops around a bit up there. I like my clothes more form fitting so the fabric doesn’t flap. My family likes that I’m back to looking more feminine these days. I closely observed my reflection yesterday and my shoulders now just look like my mom’s.

I’m a bit sad about that. A few months ago when she was super sick, I was the strongest I’ve ever been in my life. I was so strong, in fact, that it actually scared me. Even affected my work, I think. Little things: too much force to take my gloves off at work even though I’ve been doing that for years on end. It was the same amount of force I use, but with the increased strength, it was too much so the gloves would just rip. Punching open an Amazon box was child’s play. Opening a door too hard. Writing strength and would you believe it, it was hard to handwrite because my hands were so hard with muscle there was no flexibility. I didn’t like that. But I now am displeased with my current lack of strength. I think I like the feeling of rubbing my shoulders and arms and knowing that they’re strong. It’s a great feeling to have sure, tight musculature. Wonderful confidence booster. And if anyone ever needed my help, I’d be very sure I could help them.

I know it’s not that hard to just build it up again, but how much do I care about how people view me? When I was bulked, no one would approach me. These days, I’m not as scary, I guess, because my neighbors have been randomly talking to me. Do I care enough about guys to try and seem attractive? Nothing turns a dude off more than a manly woman–in my experience. Sadly. I guess men just want a weak girl? That’s why I can’t find anyone. Too critical anyways. I’m always going to be lifting weights. How much do I want? Especially since it won’t matter with Gable.

I have a friend in California who was an original online dating prospect. We’ve long since agreed that long distance like that is impossible, but we do somewhat regularly keep in touch. He told me a few weeks ago after yet another unsuccessful date that I was the perfect girl for him. I didn’t really respond in kind to that. If we were close by, I’d definitely have tried to date him as we have so much in common. He’s sweet, thoughtful, amply religious (the HARDEST trait to find, btw), and likes video games (not just the shooting ones either, cute ones). What I found out the other day when he was asking me something about a date that was good but then the girl told him he was too inexperienced because he didn’t try to kiss her (I told him he pretty much dodged a bullet with that one, but while someone else told him the same thing, he’s desperate for dating someone), I found out that he’s still unemployed (he was laid off from UPS). He’s been collecting unemployment but now that even job searching is not coming up with anything, he decided he’s just going to ride the benefits of unemployment until it stops.

Wow. Talk about learning too much about someone. I tried to offer him ideas like maybe a trade which has minimal schooling and mostly training, anything . However, he said he’s just going to play video games and look for girls. I didn’t say it, but that’s hardly the definition of a winner date. If I learned that about my date, I’d be like, see ya. Find me again when you’re stable. I was already with someone like that once, patient and willing to wait until he found his life course, but then once he did he was a different person and I had invested heavily in him both emotionally and financially. At least he was inspired and worked hard to get a job. One thing I hate more than anything is lack of duty and responsibility. Freeloaders need not apply. You could be the nicest guy but if you’re not going to contribute evenly to this then no. I’m a naturally lazy person. I love lounging around and I work as much as it allows me to live comfortably. When it comes to money, though, get out off your butt and get things done. Show me you’re willing to work because if you’re not willing to work for money and get your hands dirty then you probably won’t care to work on the relationship. That’s what it looks like at least. That was my complaint about my brother-in-law when he was in school and lounging, freeloading in my house, playing video games, spending nonexistent money on eating out, and not doing something as simple as cutting the grass. You know, a retail job is money. It’s not a lot, but it’s enough to help pay for gas, for groceries. It’s money, and more, it’s the strength of character, of humility to do what it takes for the people you love and your life. It demonstrates that you’re not just going to sit and wait for people to hand you things.

Ugh. No more ranting.

Dragon Quest Builders 2 is AWESOME. The battle with the Squirrel Squatters wages on. Time to step up the weaponry.

I was terrified about Gable last night, but he seems much better today. Much more normal.