Sleepy.

I ate an entire container of watermelon on my own last night instead of working out. So of course I ended up having to pee in the middle of sleeping. Fun times.

Then I was wide awake at 6am for no real reason, just woke right up and tried to nap unsuccessfully for an hour until exactly 10 minutes before I had to get up. I get outside with my dogs and find a helicopter following us. Why is it that whenever there are helicopters outside they seem to follow us? I didn’t think too much about it and kept going. Unlike many other pedestrians in our neighborhood, I like to cut through green areas because Liana likes to look for squirrels and also that weird “walker” guy was out walking again this morning. Helicopter hovered directly over us the entire time I was making my way back to the sidewalk. Then it flew off and I notice a second chopper. Pick up after Liana and get ready to cross the road per as usual. The oncoming gold car was sooooo slooooow! I muttered to myself, “can you go any slower?” and when it finally passed us I was slightly alarmed to see a policeman in the unmarked car and looking carefully around for something. Oh. That makes sense. Helicopters are still circling above and I continue on my way, increasingly anxious, but of course the dogs could care less and eagerly smell and pee and such, probably picking up on my lack of control this morning. We move to go back home and I realize that a third chopper has been added to the mix. OK. Time to hurry home! Two ended up hovering in opposite sides of the neighborhood while one circles. At this point I’m going through scenarios in my head in the event that some criminal jumps out of the trees and shrubs I walk by. Inside the house! hurry! Doors locked? Good. Rush the usual bathroom routine and hear both dogs whining and then running upstairs. They’re worried. That’s good. Not. As soon as I finish my shower, though, the droning noise stops. Ah ok. They’re gone.

Makes me wonder if my alert wakefulness at 6am had anything to do anything.

My body hurts. And it’s fat. The beach is coming up soon. I’ve been extremely lazy. As I lay awake this morning, I resolved myself to start DDR again (the fastest way to lose weight, along with Just Dance) alongside the weightlifting. Let’s see what actually happens…

The crafty squirrels made it past a small lapse in defense around my tomato plant and TOOK MY BEAUTIFUL RED, ROUND FRUIT. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. My mom tells me that Liana found the pilfered and tarnished gem and was very proud of herself for finding it too. She really has established herself a job of protecting us and the property from critters of any type. She’s so cute! Speaking of cute, these two are well aware that there’s a baby in my sister’s belly. Especially Liana. :)

I can’t believe it’s only Thursday. What a week so far.

Looks like I’ll be cat-sitting for a week. If that’s what you refer to taking care of a cat for a friend. It’s kinda cool because I’ve never known anything about cats so this is a good chance for me to understand them better. I’ve been around cats in the past (musical peoples like cats…but in my experience, dogs do too. Mine are just very critical of your performance and prefer a real instrument to an electronic one) just never this close.

Yesterday as I was driving to work I think I would be locked into depression if I didn’t have a job to go to. To leave the house and interact with others. It always makes things better for me. Even walking the dogs when I get home is therapeutic in a way nothing else can be. The idea of working from home would be cool, but it’s not for me, at least long term.

It’d be Nice

At least once a year I do a DNA test and all of the sudden I’m wishing I could afford to do another. There’s a sale on DNA tests right now through FamilyTreeDNA. D:

Must not spend money.

When I left work yesterday my left arm was busy tingling and instilling some fear in me. My right arm? Sure. I get that. But my left? Never had to deal with that really! My hands are looking more and more old now. It would be absolutely awful to never be able to draw, play an instrument or do craftwork again. Speaking of crafty stuff, I’ve not been able to do any of it!!!! So many hurdles. Uuugh. I hate not being able to afford things.

As excited as I am to be able to sell the other house, it’s becoming more apparent that it won’t be just a walk in the park because I still have so much to do and no real ability to do it. Time is quickly slipping from me, and it’s not like I can just come home from work and do a little at a time. If I did, it’d be done by now. Plus, whenever the weekend rolls around, it rains. Plus cost of materials that I’ll soon need and that Gable needs to go to the vet. I’m about 95% positive they’re going to put him on antibiotics for yet another UTI which jacks the bills up to or past $500 again.

I was overwhelmed by sadness yesterday while I was driving home in the car, so of course every sad thing and prospect in my life had to come rushing in all at once. Funstuff.

I think I need my eyes examined again soon. More money.

I have been so unbelievably lazy with working out. Am I depressed again? I don’t want to actually do anything and it’s bothering me. We’re going to the beach in a month and everyone is excited but me. Why. I’m probably depressed again. So many things to be depressed about. Depressed and bitter. Probably won’t be able to fit into my bathing suits. Figures.

I was talking to one of my younger, college aged patients and I realized afterwards how old my thinking is. The more crap you go through in life, the more weight settles onto you and the more you forget what it’s  like to be truly carefree. I carry so many burdens on my shoulders which aren’t disappearing anytime soon. Burdens tangible and intangible, worries, fears and responsibilities. Not too long ago I was happy and idealistic, new into my journey as a young adult, fledgling in my career. Now I look in the mirror and my face is no longer young. Like I mentioned before, my hands are not youthful like they were. My joints creak, my fat refuses to budge, and my muscles from working and poor posture hurt. Badly. And the absolute worst of them all, my brain can’t even work up excitement for a trip I haven’t taken for 2 years. I can argue that even around this time last year (relationship’s beginning of the end) life was exciting and full of possibilities.

My patient says to me, “I hope this (college) isn’t the best years of my life, that would be depressing!” In talking to her I realized the disparity now in age and thought and naivete and how that used to be me, too. The fire of youth, the passion to shake the world and make it a better place, all but gone now that I can’t even make my own life work right. And what is this “right” that I speak? Having it be like the others? What I perceive to be “correct?” What society tells me is the way? Well whatever it is, I’m certainly falling short of it and now my light is dim. At least, I’m sure she didn’t think I was as old as I really am. Thanks Asian genes.

 

 

 

 

Tuesday Yet Again

It never fails: if it’s a work day, then all of the sudden I can’t get up. A significant difference from yesterday.

My dreams were annoying as I waited for my clock to count down the time, as usual. That low-sleep type of dream: realistic and headache-inducing. Ugh. I did, however, dream during REM sleep realistically and graphically about getting pregnant. I don’t know who the father was (it seemed to drift in an out of switching between male and female) but they were skinny and young. Very fertile to be successful on my first go at it because the next morning it became apparent that I was pregnant so I told my mom and dad who were conveniently sitting quietly at the table. I actually said to them, “Well, I’m going to tell you now since both of you are actually here together, which doesn’t happen often at all, that I’m pregnant.” My sister was really excited because then our kids would be growing up as cousins about the same age. Then I said, “I’m going to need to go shopping for toys,” and she replied that she has plenty of toys to share.

Damn biological clock.

I was thinking the other day about Failed Relationship (yes, it pops up at least once a day because it bothers me to no end that I failed something) and I wondered if it would have been different if we both were idealistic and young. The ridiculously obnoxious screaming priest said in his homily that older married couples say that they love each other so much more and deeply after all these years, more than when they were first married. Yes it makes sense because of the psychologically approved steps in romantic love that it would mature if you make it that far. That’s what got me thinking, because he had a failed marriage, himself. Besides his accusation of me always being 10 steps ahead of him in life, well, he was 10 steps ahead of me in the relationship-sense. New couples tend to be all over each other because you just can’t get enough. I watch married couples walk together and they really don’t touch that much. When I was with him, I wanted to be in skin contact all the time: holding hands, linking arms, etc, because I just loved him so much. That new, young love. I realize at some point that phase would pass because you are in such close proximity after a while you don’t need to do that. He was married for a year or two, before it went bad. I realized during the time that he didn’t like when I did that, like it was unnecessary. Maybe it was because he didn’t need that anymore. That’s why I wonder if we were both in the same boat relationship experience-wise, would it have been different? He wouldn’t have had other experiences to pull on, not like me. I dunno. Speculation is speculation. I wonder what it’d be like for me to go back into a relationship again? What would be different for me? I’m no longer a greenhorn. Maybe more bluish.

Castlevania the anime on Netflix? Really enjoyed it. They need to release more!

Some of my debts are almost gone!!!! Hallelujah! I’m so STOKED to be able to rid myself of these! That way I don’t have to worry about it anymore and dedicate those payments to SAVING MONEY. AWAAAAH!

MonDAAAAAY!!!

I woke up like I do every day, around 6am. Usually I just end up lounging or napping for another hour before I pull myself out of bed. Today I got a jumpstart because Liana somehow managed to make herself fall into the little tiny crack among my bed, the dresser and the dog beds…I was afraid she’d be unable to get up in that strange position and hurt herself. So I decided to get up anyways because I’m already up. And also because I don’t have to work today. Makes a lot of sense, yeah?

This is the time that I usually get on to write in here, the blog, right after showering and morning potty. My body’s on time at least….gotta have that routine. I tell you, time and time again, it doesn’t matter at all when I go to sleep, I’m guaranteed to wake up between 6-8am. I remember in college staying up until 7am and then tried to sleep and ended up just giving up on that at 9am. Oh well. There’s always nighttime. The nice thing about laptops is that you can take them into the bathroom with you. TMI, yes. :D

I am so glad I dropped the cash to buy this computer. I really very much like it. Just enough power to play games, expandable memory, but it already is pretty good. I like the full-sized keyboard with number pad. It looks nice, the screen is wide enough that I don’t have to squint. It’s heavy, but if I wanted it light, I’d have just gotten a tablet and a keyboard. Yes, in the long run playing games will be difficult given that it is a laptop, but for my purposes, it’s great. I’ve talked to people who are like, wow you still have a computer? I’m like, um, yeah? I use it almost every single day, except maybe on Sundays. I hate mobile anything. Convenient, yes, but I usually end up casting it to the TV or dragging my laptop down anyways.

I was recounting an experience to my co-worker from my past (I also recount my dreams and other past stories. I’ve known her for 9 years now) and she remarked, “Wow, you remember that?” I waved it off and continued my story (basically as a kid I had a hygienist just like idiot at work and now it makes sense why her coworkers acted how they did too. It really stuck with me as a kid: that unsolved mystery because I liked her but the other hygienists didn’t seem to). Later with more time to think on things, my mind came back to what she said and I then had a thought: so. Does that mean that other people don’t remember things like that? Which then opened up a world of possibilities in my past and present. I mean, I know my memory is better than the average person, but how can I possibly know if it’s better or better better without something to compare to. Then things like, me talking to my patient about her teenage daughter’s want to wear super short shorts. I found myself saying, “It wasn’t too long ago that I was a teenager,” except that’s not true because that was half my life ago, but in my defense, my brain doesn’t feel like it’s been very long. I can commiserate and still understand for my kid and teenager patients…the memory thing again. I remember. So much. Always remembering, never forgetting. Even when I talk to my family about past events, they don’t remember things like I do. Smells, sounds, feel, taste. All the sensory information is there.

They say that our brains don’t actually remember and just make up information that it thinks it remembers. Is that true? Because I truly feel like I remember these events in the detail that I do. I watch old videos and it’s exactly like I remember it, but those are videos and unless you carry a gopro with you everywhere, you can’t record everything. I do know that memories are most strong when emotions are high. It’s a survival technique to remember things that affect us strongly. Maybe I’m always high strung? ahhahaha….

So, should it be strange that I remember events like the dynamic between old coworkers that are guaranteed to no longer work together anymore?

Then it blows another hole wide open for me: I accuse my ex of never remembering anything he said. It’s true. He told me things in the beginning that turned out to not be true or he refuted with another statement later. Promises that were never kept because he didn’t remember them. I remember most of the things he told me, and yet he remembered nothing. Probably remembers nothing now, having literally erased everything about me from his life physically and in his mind. I’d remind him that he said this and he’d be like, no I didn’t. So. Is it wrong for me to expect people to remember? Because remember. I expect it more of people I love or should love me, because I mean something to them. The same thing has happened to my friends. 2 months ago, they said this, but 2 months later they have completely forgotten, while I haven’t, and I’m a bit miffed that they couldn’t remember what they told me. For my ex, I know it’s true that so and so was said because I’d record it and if I go back, there it is.

So it’s me, all along? It’s unrealistic to expect people to remember as I remember?

This is why I must record, btw. I’ve had a habit of journaling everything since 1st grade when they asked us to start writing in journals because we were learning how to write and spell. Otherwise I remember too much and it clogs up my brain. I have the propensity to dwell on matters because, well, it’s hard to forget, but I’ve found that if I put it down somewhere, whether it be typing or handwriting (handwrite is much more effectively therapeutic, fyi, and saved usually for the very powerful emotions) things are easier to deal with.

Ironically, forgetting is also my biggest and deepest darkest fear. That’s my weakness. If I found myself forgetting everything that had happened, I’d lose control pretty quickly. You know what that means? It means I’m going to get Alzheimer’s. That’s how it goes, isn’t it?

In other news, check out this article.

Yesterday I decided to start keeping a list of video games that I enjoyed over my life. That would include most of them. Haha. So many “reviewers” hate on games that I thought were perfectly wonderful games. Don’t take reviews too seriously. Just go and give games a chance before you make a judgment. Just like I hate mushrooms and seafood while others would love them, someone will always hate and someone will always love a game, with exponentially more who think it’s good and decent and worth the time. I think I will put it as a menu item on this blog.

Storms!

Boy! That was lots of rain yesterday! And then the wind! I was proud of myself: it thundered and lightning’d at work but I held my cool. Being focused and having to be professional about something is really helpful in dealing with fear. I keep telling my patients that if a bee got into the operatory I would leave and someone would have to kill it before I came back in, but I think I’d be forced duty-wise to hold my terror in check as much as possible.

My two fears-that-are-almost-phobias.

So another one of my friends is married. It’s interesting: you always know within a year of seeing a couple together if they will end up married or not. Now…whether or not it stays that way in the long run is yet to be seen…I haven’t lived long enough to see bitter ends like that yet. At least not too many…there was one who had a nasty divorce because her husband was found to have forcibly sexually assaulted people. There’s just…something between them…and so you just know. Apparently, though, aside from on this blog, I appeared that way too because when it was over literally everyone was appalled. Hah…I mean…I was so certain myself after that first year that he was the one I wanted. My heart was devoted and dedicated. It would never have worked out, no matter how right I did it, though, because it takes two, and there were warning signs everywhere. But. Hindsight is 20/20.

Guh.

My old pups. Took them out to a trail today. No aquatic rodent, but neither one wanted to go home! Even the old lady who gets tired so quickly these days. She saw the car and didn’t want to go to it. They’re so  happy just being in nature…you should have seen her face, her nose going a mile a minute taking in the scents, the breeze, the sun. Yes, we had sun this morning. Hard to believe now, but there was. Mud, rain…none of those bother my two in the least. I…don’t know what I’m going to do when I don’t have trail buddies anymore after they’re gone. Someone not afraid of getting their clothes or shoes dirty, someone whose company is more than enough on a trek like that, someone who can get up early, someone who can appreciate little things like that caterpillar or that mushroom…someone who can walk in the peace of the trees and is hit by how infinitesimal our existence is; suddenly our worries and problems matter so little in the grand scheme of things.

Ah. The dreams of a dreamer.

Another relaxing Saturday of video games. No money spending this time!!

Damn HOA

OK…if this tree falls over onto our neighbor’s house it’s not our fault. They need to get back to us about it. I sent it via email since we’re in the 21st century but if they want it by snail mail instead, then that’s fine, let us know. Very annoying. HOAs are in theory, great, but ours is a huge pain in the butt. Don’t do this, you can’t do that, oh here, let’s just increase the due every single year because we don’t do anything anyways but we like moar monies. On top of it all, the person writing the newsletters is straight up annoying. There are nice ways to say things and not nice ways to say things. How come my HOA down south is practical and nice and to the point? I’ve lived where there is no HOA and where there’s a civic association and I’ll take the latter any day.

My friend tells me that there’s an 80% solar eclipse coming to the US on August 21! I need to get my glasses. Except that I’ve been spending money out the wazoo. UUUUUGGGHHH. I just want to live a normal life but I can’t, can I? Haha…I used that saying the other day on a teenager and it belies my age, for one, but as I increasingly find, my non-native status. I’ll say things that I heard often as a kid but people in general around here find foreign and funny. I used the term “hooligan” with my patient the other day and he thought it was absolutely hilarious. There’s something to be said for “uneducated” people huh? I dunno. I miss it. The little things like that. They make life less uptight, kinder, somehow. I feel like I always have be politically correct and proper around here.

I was texting and messaging up until 11pm last night. Given that my bedtime is 10pm, my conversations ended up melding into my dreams so I hope I was making sense to my friends…probably was half asleep at the time.

The section on paranormal stuff ended today in my potty book, but the last entry was about haunted objects. The “experts” in the field consider “energy” responsible for things like residual hauntings. Apparently hauntings are either intelligent or residual. Residual is described as an oft worn path of energy that continues to replay, kind of like a burnt on image of a movie or TV show to the screen. Have you ever seen the show “Haunted Collector?” That was the first time I’d ever heard of items being haunted…though I thought the show was a bit of a sham. It stopped airing a long while ago.

Hmm. Time seems to have escaped me today. Happy Friday!

OoOooOooooOoOooOo

I woke up to the group chat from work going bonkers. Apparently a ton of bad things are happening like people being out, people being late and things not working plus no temps.

I, myself, woke up this morning tired and feeling like I’m either fighting off an upper respiratory infection or my allergies are going crazy. Thought I had a minor fever last night. The pimples on my face are feeling better after the care I gave it yesterday, but I’m a bit worried because they’re just not healing as quickly as they usually do…like I need a round of oral antibiotics because my body’s immune system is elsewhere fighting off something more important than minor follicular intrusions. The one on my chin, the cystic type is crazy big and yesterday was spreading laterally.

Yesterday was very mild and beautiful out, almost like fall. This morning as I was walking out the door, I realized that it’s not as bright in the morning anymore and the sun wasn’t up as high as it usually is. Very fall-like indeed. The thermometer read 65 degrees!

…I just had a mental image of attaching large rockets across the earth and trying to change the rotation of the planet…

I’m a bit worried about Gable because I’ve seen him trip on our walks. Originally I thought it might have just been over some dips in the grass, but I saw him stumble on flat ground yesterday. You know, I don’t even want to know for sure at this point because I won’t be able to do anything about it except worry. And possibly Liana is incontinent.

The theme with conversations with my patients yesterday seemed to revolve around family and dying. About my sister and my grandparents and dogs and all that. It started with my patient whose mom had a mass in her lung biopsied in Hong Kong. It’s interesting to see the wide range of family dynamics amongst the population; whether siblings get along, work well together or not. One patient’s daughters seem to get along very well. When it comes time to make decisions regarding my mom, medically, will my siblings and I be able to get along and work together to come up with a plan of action? Somehow I think I’m going to have trouble with my sister. Whilst speaking to my patient with the daughters who get along, I realized what splits us apart: this inexplicable competition she seems to feel we are in. Nothing is a competition. I don’t get why there has to be a competition.

Then there was one patient who is being treated for severe throat cancer asking the doctor why. WHY does he have to go through radiation and therapy? It doesn’t matter, because he’ll never be able to eat the same way again. My God…I’m so glad I’m not the doctor…I wouldn’t know what to say. It’s true too: he looks awful. Just awful. Personally, I agree with him, but the problem as a medical practitioner (the dentist, the surgeons, radiologists, etc) is ethically we must do everything in our power to preserve life and treat illness if it is within our power. For a long time patient, too… With dogs, it’s relatively easy because if they are suffering you just put them down…not to simplify the process like that, but that’s how it is fundamentally. But with humans, you can’t. Not even if the patient wants to die. It’s just  not that easy. And then you think about it and it’s just not fair in many ways. It’s one thing if they want to live, but when they don’t? Shouldn’t we support that? To prolong and experience more pain and suffering than they already have for a 10% success rate. To be saddled with hundreds of thousands of dollars in bills…and worse, if you die and the probability is high, then who has to pay now? Your family members you left behind who area already grieving, stuck with dealing with your affairs and now an exorbitant bill.

It’s a lot to think about…especially moving forward.