Sleepy

But I’m waiting for my whitestrips to finish.

Every night when I’m lying here, and really, every day, I hear fire trucks on their way to calls. It always reminds me of the time about a year ago that just hearing the siren of a fire engine, not a police siren nor an ambulance siren, elicited from me a deep sorrow and grief, moving me almost instantly to tears. At the time, I didn’t understand why it happened all of the sudden, just that it did and it started in the pit of my stomach. I mentioned it to my ex and told him that I hoped that  nothing would ever happen to him to make me feel that way. I didn’t say it then, but the thought crossed my mind that it wasn’t so much that something would happen to him as happen to us. To me. I’d pushed it from my mind, but it was always there nagging at me. Call it a premonition or a glimpse into the future. A foreshadowing of events to come. Then again, I always knew what would happen to us, I just…played my part, hoping that it wouldn’t be. Always the pawn, always the puppet. Interestingly now the sound has no lasting effect on me. I no longer feel a deep sorrow at the sound. It makes me a little sad and brings back some memories, but aside from that, it affects me pretty much like it always has in the past.

Sometimes my “future sight” scares me. Sometimes it’s just a plain nuisance. I don’t think I can see the future so much as I can make a very good educated guess from the surrounding events and circumstances. I’m usually right too. However, a part of me suspects a possible inexplicable hand in all of this. I won’t divulge because people always think I’m crazy when I do. I tend to know what will happen, but I go with it anyways…hoping…always hoping…that maybe, just maybe it won’t turn out like that. What’s the point of knowing what will happen if you can’t do anything to stop it? Little things are insignificant and can be avoided, but the major events are never able to be avoided by me long. Sometimes, my impatience gets the better of me and I make it happen before – at least I think – than it’s supposed to which makes for some serious stress on all sides, but it doesn’t matter because it changes nothing about the outcome. Then there are times when no matter how I know what will happen, I’m still surprised by it because it’s sudden.

Going back to the firefighter thing, it really bugs me now when people mention what heroes firemen are. While, yes, running into a burning and collapsing building, risking your life for the sake of others while everyone else runs away demands a ridiculous amount of respect, I don’t think it’s much more significant than police work or military work or teachers or even surgeons (though one can argue that their pay is several leagues higher than any public servant). Call me biased, but I think their work pales in comparison to police business. Most likely it’s because I have insight now into their lives. That one probationary fireman jaded all firefighters for me forever. He clued me into how sexist all fire departments are, filled with macho, pig-headed men who make and have chauvinistic comments, views and actions. Also, they have very poor diets for people who always need to be in shape. How poorly female firefighters are treated. He was telling me stories once and he was ranting about how dumb drivers are (and we all know this, so I agree, really). Per as usual, I try to temper out the rant by saying that people freeze when they’re afraid and there are elderly, autistic, etc drivers out there. I’m thinking of my grandparents, my mom with her vision problem, and countless patients that I’m like, omg they DROVE here??? for various reasons. Not to mention the bad traffic around here. The point is, I just wanted to remind him that people are people. He gets upset and says he doesn’t care if they’re disabled, old, autistic or nothing. When the fire engine has it’s siren on you need to get out of the way. While he is right, the way he said it really rubbed me the wrong way and I hope that’s not how other firefighters think. I always had this picture in my head that all first responders were cool, calm, collected and considerate of others, since their goal after all is the rescue and preservation of life. Instead all I could see from his stories and insight, were stressed out men wasting their time with repeat offenders and obnoxious crap. It was disheartening to them and to me. And on top of it all, when did the life of one person become more important than the lives of the rest of the population? You save one, but jeopardize the lives of countless others as you race to the hospital for this one person?

I dunno. I am so jaded about it all now. The firefighter career is, for me, forever ruined. It’s not worth the stress and lack of time, and the politics. Maybe a fireman with a better mindset, more optimism, better ability to think, more humble. They all seem so righteous. I understand that the pressure is high and the subject matter is psychologically tough. Why make it harder on the people than it has to be? The mind games and the bullying…you’re supposed to be a team. Buh. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

I think I left them on too long. My teeth are pounding.

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I need to plug in my laptop

But it’s all the way downstairs….

Just finished scrolling through my newsfeed which I’ve been trying not to do as much of in Fbook for several reasons including the skew of social media (or any media really), dumb people’s comments and click bait spurring people into emotions. I mean, given social media and the life we live in now, running your life on pure emotion is encouraged, practiced, and honed to perfection. It’s important to care about people and things, but just like everything else in life, there’s a limit to how much to care. Too little and you become selfish and inhumane, too much and you become incredibly easy to be offended and outraged and jump to conclusions. Mix the two together and it doesn’t equal out, in fact, I feel like that’s what the internet is. Nature strives for balance, and humans are not immune, so in our own sometimes twisted logic, we “balance” our negativity with “reason” or “logic.” Now…is that logic sound? You can convince yourself of anything, really. Many times when I *shudder* read internet comments I find that half of the people merely read the headline or title but not the article itself and yet still wish to express their uneducated and uninformed opinions. This is already evident in product reviews. There was a funny “Amazing World of Gumball” episode yesterday parodying just this about the internet. People use their emotions to be outraged about a topic without fully understanding the gist of it, then when they are refuted, or their fallacy is pointed out, they pull on emotions again instead of stopping to think and admit that, yes, I was wrong to not probe more deeply into the matter. Now if that if it had been an in person argument, the internet flaming tirades would never have made it that far, because we are in-person, well, people, and missing that defensive, face-shielding barrier of the internet. I’m not even talking anonymity, just the disconnect and inability to read body and tonal language.

Hah…I should know. My failed relationship was 70% faceless, emotion-based, internet interaction, complete with misinterpretation, and volatile, impersonal arguments and comments that had it been in person would never have been said or felt. Interestingly, there was a development of persuasion and neutrality as it went on to prevent such volatile behavior, but that ultimately backfired too, because neutrality or perceived indifference can be (and was) even more painful than passionate flames.

According to this article I just read, an expert on communication reports that only 7% of communication is verbal. 50-some percent is body language and the rest is tonal. Well, there you go. Just backing up my argument with numbers. And staggering numbers at that. Even I was surprised at how little the verbal portion encompasses and I’m all about reading body cues. No wonder we failed and no wonder the internet flame wars will never end.

Speaking of which, this month is 5 months from my breakup date. It feels like it has been a year at least, but I’ve only hit 5 months. Guh. There was a cute new patient at work the other day about my age. He was half-Japanese, intelligent, calm, and judging by his body language, interested in me. He studied my ring-less finger, was unable to make eye contact with me for too long, and would steal glances at my face/eyes as I was working. I have to admit that my heart was racing a little too and feeling more giddy than usual, but I kept my professionalism because it is unethical for a professional to get into a relationship with a patient. It’s very much frowned upon, actually. And the kicker and somewhat proof I wasn’t making it up? As I lay him back to get started, he asked me if I was from around the area. Hey, man, that’s my line for my patients!! My patients never ask me that first and not that quickly that’s for sure. The funny thing is that I was about to ask him just that and it made me smile behind my mask. Damn professionalism. His calmness, intelligence, ability to admit that he doesn’t know something…that’s the kind of person I’m looking for. Oh well. He does live in MD, so eh. Sigh.

Huh

I just remembered that we haven’t repainted our windows. Remember how last year I was busy re-caulking the front windows? The back ones don’t need it. I also chipped off the peeling off paint but never did get around to repainting anything. The to-do list just keeps growing, though, of course. Now the deck can be resealed, so I need to do that and we bought marble chips to spread around the backyard patio. Speaking of the backyard, since the tree is gone now, we’re planning on a big overhaul back there. Since there’s no point in trying to grow grass with the dogs, I figure we should just make it all one big garden. My little landscaping 1-2 years ago is not working because every time it rains, the waterfall from the deck just washes all the mulch away, so the plan is to extend the gravel portion to cover the washout portion and then see what I can do with the rest of it. That means that the plants need to be moved. The weigela we bought for back there is in fall mode and at this point, it’s too late to plant anything in the hopes that it will take winter. Fall shows early in all of our plants. The blueberry went autumn about a month ago, and my tomato is dying off even though it still has about 10 green tomatoes. Even the peach/plum is going; it has done really well since I took it out of the ground in the summer and stuck it in a pot. It’s massive! Yes! Yardwork!

Now if only I can get off my butt and do something. But costumes call to me! And Halloween is drawing closer. Nothing like a deadline lighting a fire under my butt to make me move, eh?

I am fat

And it’s driving me crazy. It’s not even sitting in one place, fat. It’s like, I’m going to spread myself evenly around like padding, fat, so that when I try to bend or stretch, it impedes my movement. But the worst part, is that I must be well into Storage Mode, because I’m eating twice the amount of food necessary. Something about storing up for winter, methinks. I’ve been trying to cut my portions and rid the house of snacks, but I keep defying the portion control rules and then eating cookies, telling myself that I need to get rid of the bad stuff before I start getting back into shape again, otherwise it won’t work. In part, I’ve not done nearly as much yardwork as I usually do given the weather, the inability/lack of desire for going south, is a major hurdle too. Not to mention that since my dogs are older and have health issues, I’ve been averse to long park walks with them, with the fear of being unable to carry them back to the car in case something happens. Lots of excuses, not much action. Always excuses.

In other news, I’ve been hard at work this past weekend doing pretty much nothing but sewing for 3 days straight. That’s right. Sewing. Actually sewing with a sewing machine. Frustratingly, I’ve not made much progress…but I’ve learned quite a bit and have a very newfound respect for seamstresses and sewing as an art. Extremely useful skill, but more complicated than it looks. There are lots of problem solving, planning ahead, details, remembering, patience, etc involved with all of this. What’s taking me so long is that since I have zero experience sewing, I decided to do a mock-up/practice round first before jumping into the final material in case I mess up. Basically, I’m doing it twice (or sometimes thrice) over. In this, like many other skills in life, practice makes perfect. The more I do it, the more I learn little tricks and what to and not to do. You have to make mistakes to learn. The stitches look awful in some places, learning how to push and pull the material, what is too much, what is too little, how to patiently press on the pedal instead of flooring it and having the thread fly everywhere. I constantly forget to back-sew which means that eventually my stuff will fall apart. How the cuts need to be spot on or it just looks bad and lopsided. Honestly, I’m terrified of doing the real deal now. Haha. But I know I’ll have to and I feel better now that I’m doing some practice runs. Extra helpful in this case because I’m free-handing everything from scratch. No patterns involved except for those I created myself specifically for these projects.

With all the pieces for Liana’s costume coming together, I’m getting excited for the real deal! She is a terrible, terrible, model, though. I thought Gable was bad. Also, she’s old and much more grumpy than she used to be when she was younger. It’s nice, when you’re doing costumes like this, to get input on the design from other people. My mom is appreciating quite a bit that I am suddenly interested in doing stuff like this and I can feel the creativity rising in her too. It’s been far too long since I’ve seen that in her. I have to ask her about how to do things because at this point she is the master and I am merely a novice. I have never, ever had the patience to do anything like this, even though she tried to teach us. Haha…I still don’t have the adequate patience to be a real sewing master (don’t know if I ever will), but I have enough to accomplish the project as a whole.

And then. what would the limit be?? Costumes for me??? Heck, I’ve not even gotten anywhere with my Samus costume. Mostly because I am dissatisfied with the parts that have been accomplished already. I want to redo them, just like I re-did the cardboard samurai helmet. I don’t know how people can work with cardboard. Yes, it’s easy to work with, and more supple than foam which means more intricacies can be accomplished with it, but the finished project is much more fragile and doesn’t look nearly as good. Case in point, I took a picture of both dogs wearing the old and new samurai helmets and they hated them, of course, so they both tried to get them off by rubbing them on furniture and walls. Liana managed to rip the cardboard one altogether, while the foam one is still intact. For the moment. Silly pups.

Major hitch in all of this is the lack of moolas. Major roadblock, without the greens, you know? Coupons, yes, but it still costs money! And time looking for that perfect design or material in hopes that you don’t mess up.

I’m really proud of myself, overall, though. Another to scratch off the bucket list. Let’s hope the end product turns out as well as I imagine it will be.

When is DST ending?

It feels like it should be soon because these days I’m so sleepy when I wake up. My body and mind are up and down with the sun, like I was made to live on a farm. If the sun is rising, I’m up and awake. If the sun is down or dark, I’m sleepy and ready to dream. Makes for a dangerous drive at night. I can night drive if I’m somewhere in town with lots of lights, but if I hit any stretch of darkness, the eyes just start closing on their own.

According to some research, DST ends November 5th this year. Ugh. Another month. I got confused at first because the internet pulled up Australia and not the US and they were saying their DST starts in November and ends in April. I’m like, wait, what? I thought it was the other way around?

Liana is a tough case…she is clearly in distress when she gets her muscle spasms, but other than the spasm, the seemingly pins and needles, the agitation whatever it is causes her (she’s been chewing and tearing things up), she’s perfectly fine. She walks fine; she’s a little stiff in the mornings but contrary to her neck slipped disc last time, the discomfort seems to get better the more she moves as opposed to worse. She doesn’t like to stand for too long, but she runs and sprints around the house no problem. She moves up and down stairs like she always has. She’s been playing with Gable. Her neck is not the issue here. No pain screams, but discomfort in the hack half of the her body. I’m completely confused and it throws my initial thought of it being a nerve thing into disarray because it’s not always acting like one. At this point I’m not sure if it’s spine or something internal. Her appetite is normal…actually, better than it used to be. She wants to EAT. Possibly that is more concerning than her physical symptoms. Like I said, I don’t know if it’s spine, internal, or both. Sometimes I swear it’s neuropathy, and others I think it’s her organs or muscles.

As much financial struggling as I have going on right now, I can’t get around that need to get her to the vet…needed to have gone on Monday. I think I’ll call them when I get home tonight and schedule for Monday. …I don’t want bad news, but I don’t want to make something treatable worse. I guess I’ll just be in debt and watch my credit keep drowning.

I don’t know how I’m going to finish doing the yardwork at the other house. It just occurred to me that I have never been there without a dog with me. Honestly, I wouldn’t ever want to. What a hollow feeling that would be.

This is when one makes the argument against having pets. If I didn’t have them, I I’d be that much richer. If I didn’t have them, I’d be traveling. If I didn’t have them, the house would be so much bigger. Then again, if I didn’t have them, I’d have not bought my car, my house, went on all those trails, had all those laughs, learned to love, learned to care, learned patience, learned what really matters in life. My heart would still be stone. Also I probably would have had an aneurysm by now or a stroke.

I feel a poem coming on. Haha.

 

So. Itchy.

Mosquitoes. Hell is probably full of them. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHH

I’ve hit my limit this year it seems because the ones I have now are getting big. Big and super super itchy.

They’re all over the house too. I killed 2 yesterday. One was flying around my new foam samurai helmet and I noticed that it kept trying to aim for the gold sections. They say that mosquitoes are drawn to dark clothing but that particular one seemed to enjoy the color gold…MY COLOR OF SKIN.