Clearly.

Clearly I am in some hormonal fluctuations.

I started the morning riled up, I’ve been annoying at work, aggressive in the car, and now I’m just plain depressed. I tried to play video games, I tried to write some poetry, but I just can’t get myself I want to do a darn thing. I don’t want to watch a movie. Heck, I went out and got McDonald’s! So much for dieting. Now I regret doing that. Uuuuugh. It’s 9pm on a Friday night and I’m in bed. Man. I don’t even want to be typing this. I just want to lay here and sleep or something. I dunno, man.

Whoever ways PMS is not real is either not a woman, has not been around women, or is completely oblivious.

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RAGE

Friday! Well that came quick!

I spent yesterday morning in a rage because Idiot at work makes me SO ANGRY. Actually it was an unfortunate chain of events.

  1. My first patient was strangely grumpy (I’m starting to see why people like to see the same hygienist every time they come as opposed to different ones…I’ve been getting back some of mine that had been seeing other hygienists and they all exhibit the same mannerisms that I’m not used to: usually chill patients are suddenly nervous, especially when I come to certain areas in their mouths, they tremble a little when I’m working, they’re impatient and intolerant. This is all in opposition to the ones that have remained on my schedule with me) and nervous. That makes my life much more difficult when patients don’t trust me and don’t readily give me full reign of their mouth. 
  2. My doctor was taking her sweet time. What’s the difference here? She does this often and it annoys the heck out of me. However…
  3. Idiot was busy doing her chair jump habit which meant that I have no extra chair to go to. Things were going OK because our 2 patients were in the waiting room together still.
  4. My patient’s wife was already being seen. I hate when couples come together. I really do. When one spouse is seen, it makes the other one really impatient, a what-about-me mentality. Stress level and anger level greatly rising.
  5. 15 minutes in, doctor has JUST started doing the exam. 
  6. Cue Idiot who despite the fact that she’s getting an exam done in another room goes to get her next patient back because the assistant is too nice and always cleans her room even though she’s constantly using both rooms. That leaves just my patient in the waiting room.
  7. Finally done with my exam, but now they’re standing there, just talking. 
  8. 20 minutes late. I run into the room and start speed breaking down. Very upset now because no one has any respect for my schedule in the least. And who’s going to clean MY room, huh? I have to do it myself.
  9. I head to the back and ready myself to come back, since I always make my tray while waiting, I go to grab it. IT’S NOT FREAKING THERE. Guess who decided to take it? AGAIN. Rage level is almost at breaking point. I grab the tray that’s not mine and run for it.
  10. I run back to my chair. My previous patient and doctor have made it to the door but are still talking. Clean clean clean, make sure to slam as many things as possible. Trying to vent as much of my anger and quickly as possible before I bring back the next patient.
  11. I go to get him, but my patient is STILL THERE AND BLOCKING THE DOOR.
  12. She opens it and continues to talk to my doctor. I see my next patient who has gotten up and is about to ask the front desk about his appointment. I raise my voice above my prior patient’s back and call him back before he can say anything. I’m pretty sure it comes out as a bark and a command.
  13. He strolls back and I’m struggling to bring down the rage inside me. We start the appointment quickly and luckily for me he does something unintentionally hilarious and it helps me calm down.
  14. Idiot has been spouting idiocy nonstop the entire appointment. I don’t have time to get more upset with it, but it keeps my anger and rage simmering. My patient is a great patient. Large mouth, easy to see.
  15. Finally I’m almost done, but the floss that was on the tray I very rarely ever use because it gets stuck on some people. Unluckily for me, I manage to fray it and get it stuck in 2 of his teeth. Anger and frustration return instantly and I’m unable to maintain my relative calm attitude. I carefully solve the problem, and then go back with regular floss and remove the frayed pieces stuck.
  16. OK, done, finally. Idiot is still not doing work at all, just yakking. I’m about to leave and wash my hands of it all because THANK GOD I made it through without killing anyone, when my patient turns to me and asks my name. Not an uncommon question, so I tell him. Then. Then. He asks me the questions I LOATHE, DESPISE, HATE people asking me: “No, what’s your REAL name?” I give him a blank stare and a “huh?” So he asks again, “What’s your Chinese name?” I knew it. I must have given him a withering look (I have my mask on so you can only see my eyes) because he starts to falter a bit. ONCE AGAIN, I’m struggling to control my anger (i can feel my hands shaking and my chest is going to burst) as I respond with a shrug that it’s my real name. So then he asks once more, “what’s your family name?” I pause again for effect and the snarl behind my mask. “Oh you mean my last name?” He says yes so I respond and  get the HELL OUT. With speed.

I am SO ANGRY so I find my closest target, friend coworker and start griping to her about it. Apparently I was getting loud because she told me my patient was looking at me and then told me to go eat cheesecake. I rush into the breakroom, find my other coworker and start venting again, this time I could care LESS who hears me, in fact I want her to hear me, the entitled ass cow. Another coworker arrives and they manage to calm me down by volunteering food. I start thinking about doughnuts and fries and instantly I’m calm. Crazy, huh? I was fine the entire rest of the day.

Wednesday!

Yesterday, everyone was making a huge deal about the ice/snow/sleet we’d be getting this morning. We had patients call in asking about whether they should cancel and wanting to cancel. I, personally, had seen the forecast but thought nothing of it because it didn’t seem out of the ordinary. It was surprising and I can see how one person freaking out can cause almost mass hysteria (interesting story on the origins of the word hysteria…) because it started making me wonder if it was supposed to be bad. We looked it up, and it confirmed my earlier thought so we so called it when we said nothing would happen. There was this whole work exchange last night trying to figure out if I should come in early and do a 7-5 shift which I most certainly did NOT want to do. Different story if I lived closer, but I don’t and it requires me to wake up 2 hours earlier than normal and then be awake from 5 to 11pm or so…those who live closer get up around 6:15 and just roll into work and roll back home. It’s not super bad, so I do it occasionally, but in this particular instance, I’m fighting off a second wave of something and I just don’t feel very well. Waking up this morning my normal time, I was very grateful for the usual schedule because unlike last week, I’ve been sleeping pretty well with normal dreams.

Weirdest thing about this morning was that 66 is extremely quiet. I know that they don’t allow trucks on the road when it’s icy, which probably attributing to that, and that schools are all 2 hour delayed, but it’s really very not slick outside at all. My railing and the poop stations were all iced, but sidewalks and roads are just wet. Figures, after all the excitement with messages last night.

My patient told me yesterday that what I got during the New Year and what’s going on now is very much akin to what her 3yo granddaughter had and has. Nasty cold that doesn’t go away for 2 weeks, lasting cough, and now congestion and more coughing, basically round 2 of the same. It’s a lesser degree, but much more sinus involvement. The strangest part of it, though: My body feels fine. I don’t feel slowed down by it now or before. There are just symptoms that prove it, but I don’t feel miserable, just that I have something. Well. If it continues for another week, I think I’m going to have to go ahead and finally establish a PCP.

Speaking of which, why is it so hard to find a new PCP? I’m looking all around and I just can’t find one that seems to have consistent reviews…now, yes, I know reviews are a terrible way to judge any practice at all, but the resource is there, why not use it?

 

Friday now

This week has progressed rather swiftly. Not complaining about that. I was supposed to work out last night, but didn’t because I’m lazy. MUST. DO. TONIGHT. I really really really must keep up with things! This weekend…not much planned. Cat feeding for a friend. And hopefully getting on the RW bandwagon here. I don’t feel funny at all of late. No inspiration at all, even given that I’ve been playing different games. Doesn’t matter if I feel funny at all, I just need to do something. Overall my laziness knows no bounds and I can’t keep doing that! Actually, yes I can. I can do whatever I want.

My mom is sick again, and unfortunately for me, I think I’m catching whatever she has, which means I’m sick again too. Why. I was JUST sick. More reason to get back on the workout train. I actually was able to sleep last night overall which is better than it has been the last few days. Does anyone else wake up to a tune? It’s like my dreams get background music. My crazy theories abound again with the sleeping bit. Getting negative waves from the paternal front and it’s affecting my sleep tremendously. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that it’s petering out and that the beginning of the week was spent with bad dreams and fitful sleep.

In the same vein, my coworker is no longer weirded out by it, nor are my other coworkers but others still give me that “you’re crazy” look when I mention things like, “I can feel when there’s major anxiety in the office.” I can though, and honestly I’m more weirded out that others can’t detect it because to me it feels normal to be able to do that. It sits in my stomach area and the lower chest. That’s how I can tell a truly anxious patient from a fake/self-induced anxiety patient. I don’t even have to be face to face with a person to feel it. There are several instances where I’ll call it before I bring a patient back because I can tell there’s someone freaking out in the waiting room. Yesterday was the latest occurrence where I brought back a particular patient once I moved my previous patient over to wait for a filling. I was about 10 minutes behind, but that’s not overly unusual in the office. However, during the course of the cleaning I became increasingly rushed, like, OMG I need to get this done FAST AND NOW. He himself is a naturally nervous patient (this week and last week have been full of these anxiety ridden folk…they always all seem to come at the same intervals) so I was trying to manage that and him by staying and exuding as much calm as possible, but I just could not shake the increasing demand to rush. I seriously thought that my appointment was taking so long that I was 15 minutes behind!! Rush job, didn’t even take xrays, got up to get an exam, made my new tray, almost brought it into room before remembering I’m still waiting on an exam, so I had to take it back, and then…I finally looked at my watch. I wasn’t late at all. I was 20 minutes early despite taking my patient back late!! It was then I found out what was going on and it all made sense: one of the doctors was very VERY behind because something went wrong with his appointment. Almost an hour behind. My prior patient had to leave and rescheduled her appointment, unable to wait for the filling, and the other doctor had to step in and help with exams. Makes SO much sense now. The rush-anxiety I was sensing was a mixture of my prior patient and my late-doc, but mostly my late doctor. He’s almost never behind schedule.

It’s useful to feel anxieties like that because I sense it before something bad happens, but it’s also very draining and I always feel like I’ve been sucked dry of energy by the time the anxiety-filled days are done. Just like yesterday. I got home and just didn’t have the spirit energy to get up and work out even though physically, my body was like, let’s GET IT ON!! C’MON!!!

I’ve yet to put a name on these sensory abilities. They’ve been extremely useful to me throughout my life because it allows me to read people and situations. I’ve had people ask me if I’m psychic. I can’t tell the future per se…I just get feelings, gut reactions that hint at what it could be. I can usually tell, if I’m at the height of sensing that day, if there’s a police car nearby looking for speeders…and I’m usually right. Some days are better than others, though. If my mind is clouded, then it’s hard. The best example of cloudiness was when I was in a serious relationship. I couldn’t read anything or anyone most of the time because my mind and soul were focused 95% on another person. When I’m sick, it’s messed up too.

Put the aura sensing, body language reading, and tonal analysis together and you have, Ta-DAAAA! I just judged you. My success rate is rather high too. In fact, if I can get you in my dental chair, I can usually tell quite a bit about you in a short amount of time. The harder person you are to crack, the more time and more visits I need. I’ve used and offered the service to coworkers and their significant others. One coworker refuses to let me delve in because it can be scary to know the real person underneath a mask. I use the same techniques when dealing with dogs. You read their energy/auras and body language. The very important flipside to detection, is how I react to it. Using the information to my advantage, and therefore, controlling my own aura. If I have an anxiety ridden person, I’m not going to counter it with anxiety, I  need to counter it with calm. If I can exude enough of it, the person will be lulled and anxiety decreased.

I’ve tried that technique in the car too, it does work sometimes if they’re being receptive. That’s another thing: if the other person is not receptive voluntarily or involuntarily, then it doesn’t work to control the situation.

I’m crazy, yes.

MonDAAAAY

Again.

WHoo! Check it out! I finished my craft project yesterday! Super proud of myself for actually finishing a product. I you’re interested in how it was done, see this.

Now I have to do laundry. Blechy.

Got an eye exam this morning. Very nice doctor. Same exact prescription as I’ve had for years. No need to change glasses, but I might come back and order new glasses when I actually have monies to spend. Dilation just started totally wearing off, but I swear I’ve been chewing through anesthetic in the last few years much faster than I’ve ever done before.

Other than that…nothing else to report. Super proud of myself for finishing that flag. :) Won’t be displaying it until closer to the date, though.

Been eating a lot again… buh.

3 Minutes…GO

It’s…FRIDAY!! Whoooo!

I’ve been doing really well the last 3 weeks about food and such and my body is reflecting that too. My stomach seems flatter, my clothes fit for the most part, and my fat clothes are loose again. Unfortunately, I’ve hit a spot where my body is rejecting this smaller portions diet thing, and WANTS FOOD NOW. Monday was particularly bad where I ate cake, cake, cookie, 2 helpings and fries. I want fries and fried chicken right now, thanks.

Money hasn’t been so good…but because of that, it’s a strong motivator to NOT spend money on eating out. Expenses left and right, me trying to fund my craft project while trying to pay for bills and thinking ahead because 1) Eye Exam on Monday which means money for glasses, 2)Gable needs Rabies this year! Whoo! I can’t just flub up and not bring him!, 3) Been trying hard to put off bringing in the car which reallllllly needs it until March because I just can’t afford $1200 of repair right now, and 4) I want to rent a beach house for the summer, but I can’t afford the down payment. GAAAAAAAAH

Aaaand I’m 3 minutes over the 3 minute mark. GTG

Dislike

I dislike. Loathe. Dread. Weddings. I feel strongly about this. Especially now that 2 of my co-workers are engaged it’s really irritating that I’m always hearing about it. I’m not even sure exactly why I hate them, but there is just no doubt that I quite despise weddings. 

The planning. Everything leading up to them. The dresses. The people. The speeches. The presents. The attention. The money. Going to them. I just abhor weddings. 

Call me a humbug if you’d like. A buzzkill. A killjoy (my patient told me I was one today). Doesn’t change my opinion or my mind.

Maybe it’s what a hoopla weddings have become. Money pits. And for what? Free gifts from people? Attention? Oh look at me? I feel like it’s all just for show. Is there any meaning amymore to them? Brides wear white for purity. Exactly how many brides these days are actually pure? For tradition’s sake? 

You could say I’m jaded. You could say I’m jealous, that just because I don’t currently feel unbridled love for someone right now that I say this. Well, yes, I am jaded. I’m cynical. I’m scarred. But you can also translate that as realistic. When I was in the throes of love and passion, I still did not wish for a wedding. I just don’t like them. I get what they represent. I get that they are celebrations of a supposedly lasting legal commitment in the relationship of a couple. I have no issue with the ceremony or the celebration. 

I just don’t like weddings. Period. 

Now try to tell anyone that and see what kind of reaction I get.