So Sleepy

Well here I am, back again at my grandparents’ house for yet another round with the cable company! Whoohoo! Not. This has been a disaster from the beginning of what theoretically was a great idea. It still is a good idea, but man the inconvenience is tremendous! I was thinking it was a plug and play kind of deal with few worries, but good gracious how many times must I wrangle this beast? Ah well. I dearly hope this is the fix we’ve been waiting so patiently for.

It seems like nothing this year is going to happen successfully without some elbow grease and sweat.

Speaking of sweat, I was finally able to be home sweet home for 3 days and 2 nights, and my gracious it was HOTTTTT. With all those t’s. Not just the weather which was dangerously hot (like, I was picking 3 crabgrass from my overgrown yard and sweat poured like rain from my head, hot) but the house just could not cool down. I had never had that issue with that house before. I chalked it up to the horrible heat, but I’m terrified that the system is going to be shot. In the 5 years I’ve owned the place I’ve not once had a service technician come out to take a look at it. Honestly, I was hoping I wouldn’t have to before I sold the place, but that’s just mean-spirited and I know better than that. Sigh. The probability that it is just the heat and the nature of a detached home, especially with the way that neighborhood was clear-cut with a dismal tree-replanting-rate (pretty much none of my neighbors see any value in trees…mostly just me) is pretty high, but still, yet another weight on the house-owning-onus. Whining aside, Gable was not a happy camper with how hot it was and was plain miserable the whole time. I went out and got him a little fan and he plopped himself in front of it. In fact, both of them would fight for it, though Liana let him have it for the most part.

While I was unable to do any fence work with the ridiculous humidity, I was able to rip out some weeds and attempt to de-weed. The Sta-Green Weed and Feed I bought because it was at least $15 cheaper than the Scotts one I usually get did a wonderful job of feeding all the weeds. Should’ve been named Weed Feed instead of Weed and Feed. My grass has never been uglier. I think on top of it, I’ve been having my neighbor cut my grass (graciously he’s the one who offered) and it’s the fact that he’s been spraying chopped weed all over my flower beds that is causing the crazy crabgrass infestation I have. I can’t complain, he’s just super nice and it’s nice to have someone who keeps an eye on the place for me too. I think I lost like 50 lbs in sweat alone, haha.

It was really nice to be able to be there, even if it was so short lived. Every time I have a break like this, there’s always something else that needs to be done. It’s Thursday now and I’ve not slept well at all for a whole week. Waking up early every day for whatever reason the day brings me (sleeping in a different place is always so difficult) and it’s not going to be over again until maybe this coming Monday! Tomorrow I need to go into work to clean my co-worker’s teeth for her upcoming wedding, and deliver the folding tables she was wanting to borrow, and then Saturday looks like I’m heading back down in order to take advantage of the rare nice weather to try and make up for lost fence time. That means waking up early again and yet another early wake on Sunday to get back before the awful traffic shows up.

I had a really nice day on Tuesday with my nephew, since my sister allowed him his first sleepover with Gramma. He’s a happy baby and thinks (like most babies) that I am absolutely hilarious. I think I just look weird. A fast happy baby. We went out and bought him a walker and overnight he had already gotten the hang of the concept of walking.

I am so sleepy and tired. And I didn’t eat anything this morning because I woke up late and didn’t want my stomach to go crazy while I’m here. Still waiting, though unfortunately. I can feel the anxiety in my grandparents. I don’t think they used to be this nervous about things, but maybe that’s what happens when you get old and things are out of your control.

One of my DRLs are out and now I’m trying to figure out how to replace it. Buh. Reminds me that I never did replace my sideview mirror.

Next month I have another week off. Man, I hope I won’t have so much to do at that time. Since I’m not the one organizing the possible beach trip this year, it’s just that: a possibility. I recommended that if we don’t make a big trip then why don’t we look around the state for day trips. Like Luray Caverns, or something like that. It might be nicer to go in the fall, but more people will be around then for the leaves. Whatever. DC. The drive through safari zoo thing!

Damn, they’re still not here. I hope they come soon.

I’ve been busy typing up and embellishing those short stories I’ve been writing. It’s been so much fun to do and kind of weird to see what kind of brain I have these days. I’ve tried to keep them not too graphic, but the temptation is there sometimes to make them more trashy. Haha. This old brain is not nearly as creative as it used to be. I need to work on it. On a similar note, I wrote a graphic/M-17 short story around the time I was with my ex and I had the courage to read it again after 3 years. It’s not bad, but man, I needed to do some serious editing. Not a bad idea to take a hiatus, go through some more life and head back to something like that. That was the reason I didn’t get to sleep until 1am last night. I thought maybe a quick edit would suffice, but noooooo…I only managed to get halfway through!!! Definitely not something I want to be editing at my grandparents’ house. LOL!!

OK, until next time.

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Tuesday Again

I’ve been rather dreading going back to work today and having to face/deal with my coworker’s death, even though I am pretty much at peace with it. I just learned from my other coworkers that she had been going to see an herbalist (she had refused after her stroke a few months back to take any medications prescribed) who had said that her something levels were high and she needed to be on a fruit and veggie liquid diet. Bunch of hacks. And how did they know that something was high anyways? A blood test?? They better not have been a doctor. She needed blood thinners, that’s what she needed. She already had stopped eating any meat at all. Diets are great and all, but you can’t run from genetics…and the only reason we all live longer now are the advancements in modern medicine…I can’t understand those holistic crap people. Well, it doesn’t matter now, but at least she enjoyed what she was doing. I’ve read many stories now about these herbalist/holistic trash believers where they end up getting duped of their money and are taking some “herb” that is actually interfering with their life. Funny thing is that these people eschew the medications they’re instructed to use, then they’re OK, and then are hyped up on how these herbs saved their lives and then boom, one day they don’t make it. I swear it’s the Placebo Effect that’s working for them. Many herb-supplement-takers say they don’t want medicine because there are side effects. Then when I tell them that everything had side effects, even the carrot you just ate, because they all work exactly the same at the molecular level, just that medications have been studied over and over again and the mechanism of action is widely documented while the herbs-supplements have not, then they get defensive and say, “that’s why you do your homework.” Well….you can’t really do homework because, like I said, the effects of them are not well documented nor studied. Plus, as plants, you have some that will work more vigorously than others given different conditions. You want to know side effects, I don’t understand why people are turned off that medicine commercials always give such long lists of side effects. What about the side effect of not taking something prescribed? Every decision in life has side effects. The butterfly effect!

Eh. I’m not railing on her in particular, just those with this thought process and how many lives they’re ruined instead of saved, making them think they’re doing the right thing while instead you’ve been dooming them from the start. In certain circumstances like terminal cancers/illnesses, I have a little bit of a different view, but for something that is fully preventable, I don’t have patience for it. In the end, though, it’s not my body, it’s theirs. As a healthcare professional I have a duty to let people know the consequences of doing and not doing something, but you can’t ever force a patient to do anything, an individual is autonomous, that’s what makes us human. I’ll do my darnd-est to convince you of the path I deem the best and give you enough information and then document it very well. And she was one I did try to convince, but she was also someone who LOVED to argue and would argue with you over everything, and if she started losing and had no more to say, then she’d pull out this one line that would render any argument or further words meaningless. I tried not to argue with her because it was like beating your head against a wall, but I did notice that the last few times I saw her she wasn’t doing that anymore.

Like I’d mentioned before, it was like her body knew deep down. She was happy the last time I saw her, even if she was a little bit more quiet than usual, I even remember coming up next to her to say something and she gave me a huge smile. I remember noting her teeth because I don’t know if I’d ever seen her front teeth before, she’d usually hide them when she laughed or smiled. I’m glad I had the opportunity to remember her laughing and smiling that day as my last memory.

Speaking of death, my sister’s father-in-law is on his death bed too. He is going into hospice and his MDS is not letting up at all. His body is giving up. I have a patient with that too who has been living with it for years. I don’t think I’ll make it up to PA to see him before he passes, if that’s what’s going to happen, though it sounds like that’s what will, but once again, I have a good memory of our last meeting at my nephew’s baptism with him. I tried so very hard to get him in pictures and to get good pictures of him on purpose because we were all worried. It’s just sad to know that he probably won’t make it to my nephew’s 1st birthday in August. I don’t know what kind of attendance etiquette is required for someone I technically have no relation to, and I don’t know what’s going to happen there, but wow, 2 deaths. I’m a bit worried there will be one more since they say bad things comes in 3s. I’ve been a little concerned about Gable lately…man. I’m ready for the passing of both of them because they’re old, but it doesn’t make it easier, you know?

One thing I’ve decided is that it’s like these deaths for relatively distant people I know are all just preparing me for the big one. There is a death that is very significant coming up and all of this grief is working to prepare me for that. Toughening me up, a person who is really very emotional. I already feel tougher, but I hope I don’t get too tough that I can’t feel any longer.

Sunday Morning

I woke up this morning at peace with her passing. I wasn’t over my ex or even my Uncle’s dog that quickly. My dream blog recalled my dreams the night she died, and it creeps me out when I read it just now. I don’t claim to have that kind of power, but it’s scary when I look back and think about the dreams that have had somewhat prophetic or even just, like, a soul-connection meaning. We had no reason to suspect anything was wrong with her at all. Why would I dream that? Reminds me of the hamster dream I had right before my hamster died while I was at school or the after dream I had when my uncle’s dog died in my arms. However, last night, I didn’t dream of anything significant in regards to her, and I fell asleep while praying for her (a lot different than my usual go-to-sleep-routine). I just feel like she’s at peace, and I woke up with the song “Precious Lord, Take My Hand” on my lips. Something telling me I shouldn’t be sad. That it’s all okay. It’s a strange feeling to have given all the other times I’ve been through a larger grief like this.

I mean, it’s true that she was only a part time presence at the office, once or twice a week, but I’ve known her since I started working here and we had a great relationship, to the point where she would text me at times. There’s not even a lingering depression in my heart or mind, just a peace and a calm.

Yesterday was spent for me (and I do have this problem) of ruminating thoughts and feelings. It was all so sad and sudden and I just couldn’t process it all. I kept thinking about how fleeting it all is, but also how life just goes on despite everything. We’ll still march on, even with the sadness within us. It left me short tempered and depressed yesterday. Very irritable and wanting fries, fried chicken, comfort food! All I wanted to do was play mindless phone games and even TV was annoying to listen to, and I was plain restless.

Today is good. Today is a new day and I’m very thankful for this peace that has settled on me, telling me not to grieve. That’s the kind of person she was, by the way: realistic. Propriety where it’s due, but what are you gonna do? As she would say. Sit there?

OK, I’m off to do some yardwork at my uncle’s house.

Grief

I just received a call from my boss. For them to call on a Saturday means that it was rather important, so I was already bracing for negative news. As it turns out, one of my coworkers, one that came about once a week or to fill in, died in her sleep last night. I mean, this came right out of left field! She was just there yesterday and no one was the wiser to anything at all. In hindsight, I guess she seemed more subdued yesterday than usual, but I chalked it up to it being so rainy. I talked with her though and we shared our usual laugh together about something silly. One thing that stands out to me, looking back, is how I said goodbye to her as I left: usually we all say see you next week or have a good weekend. Instead, I said, “Have a good night,” and she responded with a corrected, “have a good week.” I remember frowning to myself, wondering why I said that instead of the obvious weekend, but sometimes my mouth says things so I didn’t think much of it. Now I feel bad like maybe I gave her bad luck. Rationally, I know that more than likely she had cardiovascular failure in the night (she’d had a stroke a few months ago and refused to take the medicine), but I can’t help but feel guilty about it, like I was partially responsible. I am very grateful to have been able to talk to her and have a good day with her yesterday, and if I knew it would have been her last, I don’t think I would have done it much differently given the way the schedule and the day went.

I can’t even begin to imagine the way her family feels right now and my heart breaks the most for her grand daughter whom she spent the last years of her life effectively being the primary caregiver.

It just doesn’t feel real. The finality of it all. I feel like I’m going to see her next week like normal and we’re going to discuss our LG phones again just like we always do. I don’t even want to think about what will happen coming up here in the future without her presence in our office. You know what she told me yesterday that pierced my heart when she said it? Maybe she knew deep down something was about to happen. We were just talking and half joking as usual, and then she got serious and told me, you know I always value what you say, right? Always. It seemed at the time, out of place and more significant than usual, but as is typical, I didn’t have time to dwell on it because the schedule called me and I was busy again.

Goodbye, Ms. Brenda. I’ll see you again one day and I can tell you all about the phones I’ve gone through and how much I think you’d like them. Requiescat in pace. 

So. Sleepy.

I can’t stand that I haven’t been able to sleep properly for several days now. Last night wasn’t even that hot!!

Had one of those potential-greyhound-adopter incidents this morning but I was NOT prepared at all, being rather tired. Flubbed that one up a bit. Then we spent some time chasing a rabbit that wasn’t afraid of us. Large bunny. I think it was a mama that wanted to lead us away from her babies. Gable almost broke his neck lunging for it after he warned it 3 times. I can’t imagine what would’ve happened if I’d let go of that leash.

Wednesday again. I don’t know if it’s the tick bite causing all of this, but I’ve been feeling itchy and tired all over. I’m carefully monitoring the symptoms, but it’s hard to say if it’s tick related or just plain allergies and weather. Also, my mood is mildly depressed and unhappy. Unfulfilled, like I need to do something, accomplish something. One of those moods again, huh?

I’m tired of myself feeling trapped by these damn romance novel games. Finally finished the last one that I’m interested in. They’re annoying because they pull you in with interesting story and then the end is just crap. Most of the novel games have you as a female protagonist with your love interest and drama and such. How can all of these freaks be such idiots…and it’s like they all fall into a similar personality pattern. Different authors, though! There are 2 lesbian relationship novels which is nothing special in and of itself, I’m cool with that stuff. Both of them, like the others, were intriguing until about halfway through and I just blew through the rest of the novel just to be done with it. One thing is for sure: I am not gay. I can’t, no matter how hard I try, enjoy lesbian relationship romance novels. It’s just not my cup of tea. If the story is good, it’s one thing, but I have no interest in it. Still, it annoys the CRAP out of me how ideal all of these stories are (some are better than others, of course) where the protagonists are all perfect for each other and seem to know that when they are still in high school? Being an old fart myself, high school, college, young adult and full adult brains and minds are soooo much different from each other. Not to say that high school sweetheart relationships are impossible, but many of them just don’t work out when we all go off on our lives and meet new people and experiences. While I regret not dating around in college, I’m glad high school self didn’t do any of that. I was a real idiot then. To be fair, I think the 2 lesbian stories were written by the same person and in both stories, the couple seemed to have been in love with each other since they were 7 years old, so children, when they promised to marry each other. Yeah….

Speaking of stories, I’ve been slowing down with my short stories mostly because I think these romance novels are mushing my brain, but also I’ve been so tired, so that whenever I start writing I end up nodding off. However, I have around 10 or so done and have started typing them up into the computer. I think I might start posting them on here? Or starting a new handle on my WordPress account (already have 3!) dedicated to that. Because, why not?

Hottttt

Well, not so much hot as humid. It is crazy humid out there. What was hot was just 50 miles south. I’ve been up here so long I’ve forgotten what not northern hot and humid is. Now imagine 100 miles south of here, or all the way in deep south hot. Left my car outside the garage on Saturday until about 4 or so and inside is was an oven. I was seriously concerned about the stuff inside my car. Saturday was absolutely gorgeous too.

…now imagine trying to survive a summer season like that without any AC at all ever. No thanks. I’d like not go back into depression mode again.

Good news is that I’ve been able to seal the fence! Whoo! Progress! It was a little hampered by the fact that my neighbor was having a big party in his backyard for his son who graduated, so I didn’t get to completely stain that side even though I did bleach it. I decided to do the other side instead to stay out of their way and then realized that they’d have clear view of me the whole time. Oh well. It’s always something getting in my way, you know? I did find out that the side I ended up working on was not well off. Because the sun would beat down on the other side of that fence, the side I was working on looked absolutely terrible with mildew, mold, etc. Now it’s even worse since that side neighbor put up a 6 foot vinyl fence. BTW…I don’t think I ever want a vinyl fence, no matter how much easier it is off the bat. They don’t seem too sturdy and without gaps I can see the whole thing coming down in a windstorm or a hurricane, especially with the yards the way they are in that neighborhood: no trees to speak of. It’s a wind tunnel. While I was busy doing work, Gable and Liana would beg to come out and then in, out and in, because while the day was low humidity and beautiful, the sun was hot hot hot! Gable did get lots of attention from all the people at the party. I’d look over to see him getting love and enjoying every second of it. As soon as he came over to see them, literally everyone stood up and rushed to the fence. Liana barked at them, was OK with it, but then wandered off to lay in the shade. She’s more of a one person dog? He’s gregarious.

We wandered off to Lowes after dinner of amazing cowboy ribeye steaks, and only had about 40 minutes to shop before it closed, but I spent 20 minutes of that sidetracked, trying to catch a kitten. I’d pushed a cart back into the cart return really loudly because it annoys the HECK out of me when people just leave carts around when the freaking return is TWO STEPS AWAY. Ok, so maybe 4 steps. Have some decency people!! Can’t stand it. Anyways, I pushed it in so loudly, I saw something dart out from under a truck, so I followed it because it was little. Really little. Turns out it was a little gray fluffy kitten and it stared out at us from behind a tree, mewing so pitifully. I think it was hungry, why else would it have been hiding under a pickup so close to the store? By itself??? I looked around and didn’t see mama anywhere. My biggest concern was that some heartless dumbass had just dumped it in the parking lot. So I got down and went to see if it would come to me or if I could grab it. I got some help from a Lowes employee (my brother was nigh useless, but a good barrier/run preventative) and lamented that we hadn’t used my car which had towels and collars and leashes and such in the back. I got really, really close to it, and actually came to me and smelled my fingers at one point. More than anything I wished I’d had some fried chicken on hand because I KNOW it would’ve come right to me. I wanted to grab it, but also didn’t want to get rabies or some other disease. Cats really aren’t my knowledge base. I was about to reach around and grab it since it trusted me more than any of the men when another guy and his young son came up to see what was going on and I made the mistake of asking for their help. This guy was too forward for this kitten and eventually it ran into the sewers and away over a hill. I hoped and prayed that it wouldn’t get run over by a car, but the fact that it knew the sewer led somewhere was a good indication it knew the area well. Probably feral. But I was SO clooooooose! And one feral off the street or at least fixed is better than none.

I was upset that it got away, but a bit relieved as well, because 8:30pm on a Saturday…what vet would be open and would take it? Plus we had no way to carry it and not get massacred by the claws of death, and if I took it home…uhhh…my greyhounds… Still, I think about it and how close I got. What a passion for animal rescue and rehabilitation inside of me. I don’t even care what species.

Maybe I should start keeping a net in my car, lol.

Short Stories

This short story prompt book is great! Not only does it allow me to wander my brain a bit, forces me to write and vary my thoughts, but it constrains the length too. I’ve always had an problem with being too descriptive and when I read books like that, I get bored. So far, I’ve extended it to the very end of the allowed space…my pacing is getting better, methinks. The best part of it all, is that if I wanted to elaborate and explore the idea some more, I can! My mind has already been planning how to do that on some of what I’ve written so far.

The dogs are back being brats about food. I knew it wouldn’t last. It would be normal if they weren’t so old and I know that the implications of not eating are more detrimental now than ever before.

That reading app I was talking about is starting to become a bad influence. I was waiting for it to become that, as I knew exactly what was going to happen, but there you go. It’s nice to read romance sometimes, but some of these stories are very frustrating and they’re aimed for young women, so the person when it comes to the female protagonist is you. There are choice to make which make it a visual novel game, but honestly all of the choices, even the ones you have to “buy” end up the same anyways. There’s one so far that will change the story depending on what you choose, but that one is so much unlike the softcore romance I’ve been reading so far and it’s pretty much a trashy romance novel. Not to mention all of the typos I’ve been seeing…seriously. Typos really mess up the story’s integrity when it occurs too often and repeatedly. Why paint these young women in such a idiotic light? To illustrate that “love” makes you like that? It certainly can. Also, all of the men (or target romance of the protagonist) seem to be rich and super muscle hot as well as totally chill, patient and gentlemanly. I guess that’s what you’re looking for in a cheesy romance novel anyways, but reading too many in a row can get…beh.

Obviously I do enjoy my occasional trashy romance novel, but my preference is more focused on fantasy plot. Regardless, it doesn’t seem that I’ll be putting these app books down until I finish them all. Guh. Thank goodness for this brain building short story book to counteract the brain numbing of the romance. Here’s just hoping they’re not shaped by these unrealistic ideals.