Is it Time Already?

I can’t believe it’s time to go back to work already!

I felt super productive this weekend, and my super stiff hands prove this. I feel like I have hammers for hands right now.

Weekday: Things progressed quickly last week. My loathing of Moron continues, my neighboring coworker left early and was off on Friday for her son’s graduation. I wasn’t particularly kind to the temp who was actually very nice, but I wasn’t mean either, it’s just that I desperately hate working with cutthroat hygienists (the newest coworker was doing well until the temp showed up and suddenly reverted back to cutthroat hygienist). Donated my desperately spicy curry to my coworker who loved it. Cora traumatized my neighbor’s tooth by being rambunctious which had me die of embarrassment all of Thursday night and Friday. And I think that’s it. OH. And my boss showed me her cat socks which are super cute!

Saturday: Woke up and left bright and early to start working at the GHouse and to make up for lost time. Made several trips there to drop off materials before coming back later to actually do it. Had a guy offer to help me load things into my car but turned him down. Ended up fatiguing much more quickly this time than before though there was less of a load. Brought Cora with me the working time and she was, as usual, obnoxious. At least she did use her bed part of the time. I’m desperately trying to convince her that being outside with me isn’t always about playing squeaky tennis ball (she refuses ANY other toy), and that she should relax out there. Spent the vast majority of the time leveling the sand (the main goal was to raise and then level off the big sloping area) overtop a nice solid bed of paver base and worrying about grade. It paid off because when I left, the area was solid with no rocking, unlike my first attempt. You know what that means? I have to redo the other part. Ugh. I ended up being short about 2-3 pavers and my most frustrating dilemma was that I couldn’t find the circular saw at home and had to break them all by hand again which is just awful. My back was killing me by the time I went home, and Cora was completely pooped out from being bored.

Sunday: Rest day. I was in some serious pain. Paid bills. If I walked around the pain wasn’t bad at all. If I stayed put, it hurt. I found myself unable to keep still for long periods of time and despite needing to relax, I felt like Cora. I planted out the Asiatic lilies in the back, I checked out my deck plants. I did computer stuff. I decided to spend most of the day drawing a RW post, this time about Tales of Berseria which I haven’t played in several years and had to reacquaint myself with the plotline and characters. I played Switch sparingly. I ate food. I made some weird food concoction that only I liked.

Monday: Started off strong by cleaning up the bathroom, then emptied my laundry baskets, then took all my bedclothes off and switched the mattress around, then organized the giveaway stuff by sorting and taping them off (couldn’t find anything else to give away, wth), then I Febreezed things, then I sat down at the computer for a tick. Then it was breakfast and off we went with my mom to the GHouse. Dropped her off and went grocery shopping where I fell in love with the quaint little store that reminded me of my childhood and loving the idea of living in that area on my own. I tried multiple times to use the wrong loyalty card at the register, dropped my inhaler several times, and was overall embarrassing there. Then as I was leaving, I saw the ABC store and stopped in to grab Bourbon, Rum, and Vodka. Now, I don’t actually drink, but I use them in cooking. Came back, did some yardwork cleanup, before forcing my grandma and mom to take pictures on the bench. Dropped by another grocery store, then got home and immediately started the lawn cutting because it’s the only chance before the rains come again. Did it right this time and it looks good. Hot and sweaty, I ate food and plopped on the couch. Then found a dead bee outside. I tried to revive it, but it was long gone. Played video games for a short period before deciding to start cooking. As it was finishing up, I tried my hand at the potato dumplings as I saw on Iron Chef. It was surprisingly good! Maybe too much cornstarch. Dutch Oven braised Fresh Naval Orange Country-Style Pork over a bed of Mashed Potatoes with a side of both Potato Dumplings and Bourbon-Glazed Carrots. Everything was extra salty as usual (I swear we just kept using expired seasonings and I guess these aren’t expired??). I rather liked the meal, myself, as did Cora. Then it was Monday chores and laundry before redressing my bed and finally getting into it.

Sleep wasn’t the most fitless. Weird dreams along with it being cold, and probably that I couldn’t breathe well.

Man, I hope this week is good. People are from all over or something because there are some insane drivers out there for the last 2 weeks or so.

Too much to do, not enough time! My niece’s birthday party is this Saturday meaning I won’t have time to do any work. Ugh. I was busy planning things out. I guess a break isn’t a bad thing. I’m excited to get the soil dump and to start the other side, but I still need to finish this side. Blugh.

I don’t know what I keep buying, but most of my expenses actually come from random Amazon purchases. I’m here thinking my GHouse expenditures are a lot, but that’s not it. Is it the donation stuff that’s making it so high? What do I keep buying and where did I put them?

Constipation for Realz

Yeeeeeaaaaah. That was constipation. That is such a rare occurrence for me I almost didn’t understand it. What did it stem from? A combination of factors I’m sure, but probably a combination of excessively spicy curry and the coconut cream. The curry took out my body’s water reserve and then the coconut cream was busy not being digested until it reached my colon creating gas. I was finally (and uncomfortably) able to move it when I got home from work but not before I was in severe discomfort at work, growing more as the day progressed. Introduced fiber in for dinner and this morning was muccch better except I think there are still lingering effects.

I’m not sure why I’m so tired lately. Man, I hope there’s not something growing inside of me. This is the 2nd week. I have a feeling it’s because I don’t breathe much at night. Work is going as unsmoothly as I thought it was. If this keeps on, I won’t have much energy to throw at the physical aspect of the GHouse.

I was trying to explain to people the details of rejuvenating a lawn. What people don’t understand is that throwing fertilizer on an unhealthy lawn is just like painting it green. A healthy lawn doesn’t need heavy chemicals to make it look nice. Yet another thing that needs to be done at that house. It’s a lot of money to toss at it and a strong lesson for the future: keep up with things. Maintenance. And don’t cover up problems, fix them. It’s just like any relationship. It might work for a few years, but it piles up and unloads all at once, usually when it’s too late. That’s what the fertilizer does: it forces the unhealthy grass to focus on looking green while not focusing on the root structure that keeps them vigorous, healthy, and disease resistant. It’s hard to make people get that, and they also don’t care. Oh well.

Tuesday Again

I very rarely have issues with constipation, but the coconut cream last night really did me in. After watching Iron Chef, it was requested that I try making a mango and rice with tapioca dessert kind of like our che desserts. I couldn’t find the episode again, so I tried to go off memory and found some random recipes online. I ended up combining 2 different recipes and then some to make my own recipe. I have no experience at all making this type of dish. Basically, I used 3 fresh mangos peeled and diced, scrounged around in the pantry for some coconut cream and milk (in the end I only used the cream because not only did I NOT have any oat milk, but the coconut milk expired in 2017. I even tried a little of it), glutinous rice starch, small tapioca pearls, apple juice, sticky rice and a can of prepared red bean filling that was also in the pantry. The resulting dish was a dollop of sticky rice (prepared in a rice cooker), one red bean filled glutinous rice ball, covered in the mango/coconut cream puree with tapioca pearls mixed in, and some fresh diced mangos on top for garnish. What I should have done was sweeten the rice, added half of the coconut cream to more mangoes, more mango garnish, and taken out the glutinous rice ball altogether… or at least make them MUCH smaller (which would be a major pain).

Then I made curry with mangoes for dinner which would have been great except the old curry powder I used to use must have been very old and impotent, because this is the 3rd time I’ve done it where it’s way too spicy to eat. I just feel pain. It’s awful. Then I decided that it might be a good idea to put my mango coconut cream inside of the curry, but the problem, as I’ve found is that it not only gives me constipation but tons of gas. Hmm. And my glutinous rice balls are too glutinous. I has no flavor otherwise. I think the outside layer needs something else in it.

Sleeping wasn’t super comfortable last night for some reason. This past weekend felt super unproductive, and I think that’s the real reason I’m so annoyed by everything (also, likely mad week). I have something that needs to be done and yet I can’t get it done. And then, on top of it, I’m so tired AND have no desire to do things right now. Hmm. I wonder if it’s because I’ve not been using my inhaler. I get like this when I can’t breathe. Sadly, it’s gotten to the point where I’ve just grown accustomed to the way my lungs are. It shouldn’t have to be that way.

Ugh. I dunno if this week is going to be very fun at all.

Rain Rain Rain

I was really hoping to finish the half of the yard I’d been working on at the GHouse this weekend, but alas. The rain prevented me from doing anything at all. I was hopeful that if I woke up early enough on Saturday, that I’d be able to at least go buy the material and drop it off. Nope. It was raining from the moment I woke up and through the weekend. Too slick to safe especially on THAT driveway… Which reminds me of the power washing that needs to be done. So, this weekend was a sleepy weekend. I’d been exhausted from last week, anyways, so like my illness during Christmas, it was a nice respite even if it throws my plans for a loop. I really hope I’ll be able to finish it next week. I really wanted the hardscape to be done by Mother’s Day. The dirt dump has to come, too, so it’s technically not done done until after that. Oh well.

So, I spent all weekend playing Octopath Traveler 2. I’d been unable to rest well all week and full rest seemed to elude me, so this was really nice. I did end up doing yard work here at the townhouse on Saturday in the rain, planting out my seedlings, throwing out the dead ones, and then starting some more. I planted out my coleus, chopped up the heavenly bamboo, plotted to rip it out eventually (it’s pretty, it’s just invasive and its berries are toxic to birds), and took stock of what I have on the other side. The lawn is showing signs of rust here which is a new thing to me. Apparently, it’s common if the weather went from cool and humid to hot too quickly (which is what happened here) and stressed out the lawn. The fix is to provide nitrogen slow released to replace the nutrients lost and to help boost the grass. I had not mowed the lawn for a bit because I’d been really tired and busy (and as usual, I’m the only one who does anything around here). I did mow it in the break in the rain yesterday and utilized the rain to employ some fertilizer. The rust is rarely significant to the health of the lawn or fatal, so unless it’s really rampant, I should be able to bring the lawn back from it. There’s also clover in the lawn which should help fix nitrogen.

I did almost nothing and had to push myself to even finish a doitcat post. Blueberries this time. Part of the Heath family which includes rhododendron, pieris, and cranberries.

I was and am also in a terrible mood. It’s that time of the year again when I feel helpless and stuck. Super frustrated. It’s the same song and dance, but it’s still something I have to endure. I can’t stand how I’m literally the only person who can and does anything around here. It’s gotten to the point that my mom who is an extremely frustrating naysayer gets things and then tells me to do stuff. No, YOU do it. Why do I literally have to do everything? Then I rant to my brother whose social anxiety is OFF THE CHARTS and while he’s cool with bashing everyone else, has no backbone to do anything himself. I can’t stand the energy here where everyone’s just stuck in the past, sitting like a rock, too afraid to move forward, too afraid of change, just afraid. Of everything! I spent 3 years working HARD with Cora who is/was afraid of everything. I got her out. She’s decently brave now but is surrounded by other fearful people. It’s literally fear that’s kept them inside their little worlds. I’ve spent my whole life trying to get my brother out of that bubble. He only progresses tiny steps at a time. It’s terribly annoying as he’s a full-grown man who is too petrified to even talk to strangers. I hate how it all stems back to a source, but you know what? It’s your own life and you’re the one who chooses to live that way and let it all consume you. It’s like having children all around me and I’m the adult. My mom is to the point now where she refuses to make decisions and has to ask for everything because she doesn’t want to make the decision and have it be wrong. It’s all about fear. My mother. A woman who has lived a long life. Is now too afraid to make her own decisions.

Why is everyone co-dependent? That was the whole reason I started this project at my the GHouse. It’s the only way out at this point. If I leave, maybe they’ll bone up and get things done on their own. They can’t do anything while they place all the burden on me and make me do everything. Alas, I highly doubt it. I have a strong feeling that they’ll just wait for me to come by and ask me to do it then. No matter. I have to try. And even if it doesn’t come to fruition in the time I want/need it to, at least I’ve given value to the GHouse and have done something fulfilling.

I keep saying it, but I’m so ready to bust out of this shell! It’s been a long time coming. It’s just that life seems to have other plans for me… No matter how many times I try I can’t seem to be rid of the burden and just be free.

There is a strong likelihood that my mom will be getting Alzheimer’s. The way she has made herself and her obnoxious mindset is the perfect storm for mental decline. Never try new things! Shun the new! Stay in the house! Live in fear! Sit on the couch and not move! Decry any physical exertion! Turn down recommendations to spend time with others! It’s selfish. It’s so selfish. I told her before that it’s extremely selfish to push your care on your children when you have the ability to not do that. I’ve watched other people in our office do this. They expect everyone around them to take care of them while they get fat and sit there ordering people around. I get that she has a disability (which she refuses to admit, only embracing it when it’s a good excuse for her), and that’s okay we’ve been working around it, but I’ve seen other people with much more debilitating conditions who don’t let it stand in their way as much as they can and strive hard to maintain a normal life. I’ve tried so many things to help her but she refuses to use them. Seriously. Just sitting there wallowing in her misery and refusing help, but then complaining about it without even trying. She doesn’t trust me for some things but trusts me for literally everything else. So only when it benefits her. It’s TOXIC. She feels alone, but it’s her own fault. She surrounds herself in her misery, her web of the past, and doesn’t even want to see forward. She absolutely refuses help, and there’s only so much one can do when someone refuses. I give up.

It’s a pallor on my life that I’d like to get rid of. I care for my family, but at this point I feel like I’M the one exacerbating the issue. Unfortunately, like I mentioned, it’s not like I can just get up and go. My GOD, if I could’ve, I would have been gone the moment I could. It’s just that life seems to have a different plan for me while I sit here aching to bust out of the shackles that keep me here. It’s quite the feeling, like you’re in prison.

Wow. That took a dark turn, but I think I feel better. Maybe.

I’m spending entirely too much money! That’s the other bonus about this rain. I need to SAVE money, but that’s not really happening, is it?

My niece’s birthday is coming up and it might be the first time I actually go to one. I’ll be annoyed, too, while I’m there because my sister is going to be another thorn in my side. Don’t get me started on her, now.

If I could wish, I wish I could have my own place. I wish I could just win the lottery and just be on my own, how it should have been when I had my house. That’s what I want. I want to be able to care for my family still, but from a distance and away from this morass of fear and dependency.

And it won’t happen. Because for whatever reason, that’s my cross to bear in this life.

Tired

Wow. I can’t believe how tired I am and have been for the last several days. It’s probably a culmination of the extreme physical exertion, the stress from work, the extremely horrendous driving this week, the weather, the on and off A/C at work, the hostility and drama with Moron the Co-Worker, the finance issues, and the all-consuming GHouse Project. I woke up repeatedly last night coughing which I’m pretty sure stems from being unable to breathe well enough. I’m still so very exhausted this morning which seems to be a pattern all the days this week.

When I get home, I usually have to cook, too, though typically Tuesdays and Wednesdays I can take a break, but not this week. The plan yesterday was to make the porkchops which don’t usually take very long and mow the lawn finally since Cora was back at daycare for the first time since Thanksgiving. Yeah, after THAT commute which culminated in 10 sins (a record, I think), I don’t care enough to mow anything. It can wait until the weekend. That’s 2 days in a row where I immediately conked out as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Then I wake up this morning still fully exhausted. When I wake up in the mornings, being a true morning person, I’m awake. I’m ready and raring to do things. NOPE. I don’t think I’m getting enough oxygen to my brain. If I’m like this again tomorrow, I’m afraid that I won’t have the energy to finish the front of the house on Saturday… and to think that I was planning on doing express yardwork then rushing home to make the volunteer event that I still haven’t been able to do since I signed up. That sounds crazy to me right now. I just want to sleep! I think my body, which was fatigued all the way through yesterday, is fine now. So it can only be the breathing that’s killing me, right? Then again, I spit up a ton of tonsilloliths again this morning, just like last week at the same time whereupon I ended up with a mild fever and a sore throat. I’m probably sick again.

Now I’m too lazy to go grab the tablet to fix the pictures on them. Oh well. Yet another thing to tack onto the weekend.

Now it’s Tuesday

I’m still in awe that I moved 2000lbs of stuff in 4 days. My body is still recovering and today is strong day… which might bode poorly for my first few patients at work. It is also a bad sign for my bank account because every home improvement store run is upwards of $100. So far, I think I’ve spent around $600 with another $150+ this coming weekend. The other side of the front shouldn’t be as expensive because the pavers aren’t as costly and there’s less space that needs to be covered alongside the use of smaller pavers, but there might be more work given the location of the work. It would be prudent to call Miss Utility (do they even call it that anymore) as I will be working around electricity. There might even be a chance that there is an in-ground bee’s nest. That might be nasty. I’m already getting itchy and tense thinking about that. The grading on the other side will be very important as it’s next to the house and I intend to make sure the water moves away. As of right now, the plan is to keep the layout similar and use the existing bricks as a border… hmmm. I wonder if I can use those red bricks to fill in some of those gaps around the other pavers… Then after finishing that side, I can move all the old pavers to the back in order to construct a decent pathway and try to fix the super weathered patio that’s half sunk with soil from erosion back there. THEN finally I can start inviting service workers over to do things. They’re going to need a safe place to walk and possibly use as a workspace while they’re there. At this point, I’m just not sure about a design for the back yet. What can I do with those boring white square pavers?

I also intend to take a bit of a break after I finish the one side this coming weekend (or so I think I’ll finish). Not only will I need several hundred dollars’ worth of soil to be dumped in the area, but I’m tired and I need to stop bleeding money as quickly as I am. Why haven’t I won the lottery yet?

Also, I’ve signed up to be a volunteer dog handler for the animal rescue, but then I remembered that I’m constantly doing GHouse work on Saturdays! There’s another opportunity this coming weekend. I’m trying to decide if I want to do that yet… I ordered a collapsible stool so that I can bring it to the event that hasn’t come yet. Bah. I don’t think I can volunteer just yet. I really need to get this work done before it gets too hot to do it.

MONDAY: Yesterday was supposed to be uneventful as I rested from the day prior. Instead, my mom actually woke up early enough to go grocery running. I took her to HD (again) this time for flowers and soil for her house. Then we went to the grocery store. She exclaimed that it was nice to be done early from the errand run and I pointed out that waking up early does that. Wake up early, get things done early, then you still have the rest of the day to do things. I got bored after we got home and it was crazy hot out. I finally put up my little thermometer cover concoction. All the other years I’d use evergreen cuttings from live wreaths or trees to weave a canopy for the thermometer sensor, but they all inevitably die. This year’s was the worst! I spent all that time weaving it only for the wind to blast everything to oblivion within a month. Now, I’ve employed faux greenery. Let’s see how long it lasts in the death sun we have back there. Then I prepped the dinner I saw on TV: low and slow pork wrapped in bacon on skewers. It’s supposed to be done in a smoker, but I just used the toaster oven. Low and slow 225F with an apple juice bath for humidity, basting every hour. It’s supposed to reach 200F which, as usual, it didnt fast enough. After 4 hours the meat was only 170F at most. The STALL. I ran out of time, so I wrapped it in foil, dumped in the last of the apple juice into the pan and cranked up the heat. By the time I took it out, it’d only climbed maybe 5 degrees. Apparently, the cook is usually 8 hours. Geez. I would’ve let it go longer except I needed the oven for the baked potatoes which ended up being so large that mine wasn’t even fully cooked when I finally ate it! The meat was good. A little charred from the broiling, though, and not as tender as I wanted it to be. Monday chores, playing video games.

I konked out hard last night, but slept poorly.

Yeah, I don’t think I’m going to make the volunteer event this weekend.

Ugh. Work is going to be annoying this week, I can already tell.

Cora seems to know that she’s going to daycare soon.

4-Day Weekend!

Started off a little dicey…

Work Week: Everything was going swimmingly last week at work until Thursday showed up. Usually on those short weeks things go haywire. They only mildly went haywire which is amazing. Sadly, the last day shows up and I’m sick. Not badly, just enough to be miserable. I’d wondered why my ears were hurting so badly the day before. My throat hurt, I was excessively tired, my eyes wouldn’t stay open, and I had a fever. I could feel the chills come and go. Minor fever, at least. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, saving my voice for my patients. The ibuprofen was working pretty well around midday. I left as soon as I was able. The moment I got into my car, I could feel everything crashing down: the facade of normalcy I’d created for the day. So tired. So so tired!

Friday: I wasn’t sure how I’d feel and if I could do what I’d planned: marathon yardwork at the GHouse. I set out around 9am and hopped off to Lowes where I started loading pavers! Those things are about 30lbs each and the cart I had was terribly ornery. In the checkout line, the super young guy was struggling with the pavers. Normally, I take a picture of the tag and so they can see the item number, but he didn’t want to because he thought I was trying to milk the system. In the end he had to accept the number because the line grew to about 10 people, but I could tell he didn’t feel good about it. Most cashiers are super happy for me to just give the number. Kudos to him for trying to be careful, but it just makes life difficult. The old man helped me load my car, then I forgot things that I left leaned up against my car and a good samaritan had to stop me. Whoops. I felt embarrassed about it all, though I knew most of my craziness was from me still getting over the head cold or whatever I had. I made it to the GHouse without incident, and immediately got to work. I started off strong, removing the old pavers and fixing the ground all within 30 minutes. Then I was tired, so I gambled. Lost. Back to work. This time I had the pattern handy, but it’s still a pain to manage because my brain doesn’t work that way well. I ended up removing the section I’d already done and moved it in not only to limit the amount of pavers needed, but also because it didn’t make sense to have such a large space. For what? It’s better to have it open for any plants there. I could end up in the future putting down stepping stones, but that’s much later. Then it was paver breaking time. OMG. That was the hardest part of it all. 2.5-3lb hammers are way too heavy for my wrist. Super painful and also the pavers kept breaking in the wrong places or not at all. For these big ones, you really need to use a circular or stone saw with a diamond blade. I think I’m going to have to do that for the last set this coming weekend. Water, mask, eye protection, gloves. Makes nice cuts without breaking them. The biggest issue is that there are ZERO flat surfaces anywhere at the GHouse to work on anything! Anything at all! Anyways, that took up all my time. The original plan was to come over, prepare the ground, put down the pavers, cut them, then with the extra time, run out to Home Depot to grab the retaining wall blocks and soil. Yeah. Well. Around 1pm, I was tired, my wrist hurt, and I was frustrated. The result looked good overall, but it wasn’t perfect and that annoyed me. I went home and realized how much pain I was in.

Saturday: Resting day! But also Junk people day. MONEY SPENDING YAY. Ferried my mom, came home, and cleaned up the portion of the house they’d be working in. It started raining a lot. I took the time to zip tie things together to make it easier for them to carry things. They told me that they thought it was going to be a lot of stuff. I told them that originally the couch upstairs was in, but I decided against it. They seemed to think that the work was too easy, but I did see them struggling a bit with the giant bookcase (that thing was awesome, but heavy as heck). Also, this is a townhouse with tons of stairs. That’s the real hard part about things here. I might have more stuff at the GHouse, but it’s mostly flat there. They were done within 30 minutes which is good for them and I didn’t pay as much as I was afraid I would. It’s still a lot, and they gave me a discount card on top of it. Spent the rest of the day vegetabling to rest my weary muscles. Any paying bills. That often keeps me home and on the couch safely away from money. That’s when I decided to bake bread. Pull-Apart Garlic Bread to be exact. That and a fruit bread. It was SO GOOD. OMG. And the first time I used egg-replacer. Wow. The pull apart bread is like flaky layer biscuits! And dried apricots in bread is amazing!

Unfortunately, I bought a game I’d wanted to try for a while because it was on sale and ended up feeling extremely nauseous for the rest of the day. What a waste of money.

Sunday: I felt good when I woke up and had no idea what day it was but decided that I’d do some more work at the GHouse. I just kept having this nagging feeling that I needed to get as much done as possible. I left at around 7:45am. I love Sunday mornings because there’s no traffic! I still managed to come into contact with an annoying idiot anyways which made me mad. Then, to my delight, I remembered that the HD I was going to had a charger! Cool! I pulled in and hooked up, and off I went into HD! I don’t often go there and it’s really small, but it DID have the retaining wall stones I wanted. I ended up taking 2 trips to get 45 blocks alongside some topsoil and leveling sand. Each paver trip I take is at least $100. Then I set to work setting up the blocks. The original plan was to go buy the blocks, set them out, then leave everything for next week’s labor in one fell swoop. Well. I decided that I could and should, so I used all the materials I had and was able to set up the vast majority of the wall blocks. Even cut up some overgrown trees in the process. I wished I could’ve done more, but I was tired again. I walked my grandmother out to see what I’d done, and she told me almost tearfully that my grandpa had wanted to do what I’m doing but he was unable to do it as nicely as I have. We walked through the back so I could show her the raised bed I put back there, pulled weeds from her mint pot, and showed her stuff in the backyard. She told me that the yard people mentioned that they haven’t put down any weed killer or anything as I requested. I told her (I don’t know if she understood) that the lawn is in terrible shape and needs a lot more work than simply fertilizer and weed killer. There isn’t much grass. Yet another thing I add to my list of things that need work at the house. Thankfully that’s another field I’m well-versed in. Just more labor and money, that’s all. And waiting for the correct time of the year and weather to deal with it. It needs aeration (heavy duty), new soil layer (probably 2-3 years of it) dressing, seeding. It’ll take maybe 5-6 years to grow a new lawn. I hate using herbicides and pesticides and I want my dandelions. Then I told her of my plans and why I’m doing it the way I’m doing it right now.

I think that the older generations have it harder in design aspects like that because we have the internet! Before, you could only find design ideas through magazines or if you were in the know. Now you just look up patio designs and BOOM. Instant images. More than you’d ever care to look at. The more ideas and things you see, the more inspiration and creation you can experience in your mind.

On top of it all, in one day, I moved 1100lbs of material. And let me tell you, it’s not just one time: you take it from the display, put it into the cart (hopefully a nice cart), push the laden cart to pay, then out to the car (usually the hardest push up and down hills). Now you move 1100lbs into your car without scratching things and not overloading the car. Then you use extra fuel to transport it to the house where you now have to UNload 1100lbs. Now, you get to place 1100lbs where they need to be and maneuver them into position. You don’t move 1100 in one large load, and it’s spread out over 45 blocks or whatever, but that’s A LOT of weight to be moving collectively. That’s why I love yardwork. Much better than a gym. More expensive, too, in this case.

As I was unloading my car (like I mentioned, I don’t care what car I have, it will have dirt, rocks, soil, wood, and plants in it), I came to Reason 26 for Not Getting Another Pickup: Trying to unload pavers from the bed of a pickup would have SUCKED. It would have been MUCH more work having to climb into the bed when you’re already tired, move those forward, jump down, lean in and strain your back to try and reach more, only to have to climb in again to move them forward, etc. It’s much easier in a car where you can open the doors and reach in at my height. I already have to reach for things as it is in a car and there’s no tailgate to block me and dig into my belly/hips. Unless I’m a tall man with a very short pickup (I had a Maverick, remember? I couldn’t even see into the side of the bed let alone reach into it), it makes zero sense for me, a solo user, to employ a pickup.

If I do the math: 45 Pavers @ 20lbs each + 15 pavers @ 30lbs each + 7 bags of leveling sand @ 40lbs each (felt like much more) + 5 bags topsoil @ 40lbs each (felt like less) = 900 + 450 + 280 + 200 = 1830lbs. Whoa. Really? And as I mentioned, it’s loading and unloading and arranging. Dude.

Here’s another interesting tidbit: for some reason not using gloves (I kept forgetting to bring them into the store) makes the blocks heavier, while wearing gloves makes them feel less heavy. I wonder if it’s a sensation thing where the roughness on my skin makes my body more cautious and therefore perceives them as heavier. I had JUST carefully loaded them onto my cart at the store from the display (still got a cut despite my caution), and then the instant I put my gloves on at the car, they felt like potatoes that I just tossed in.

I leave for home around 11am, happy to have started off early and been done so that I had the rest of the day to do whatever. Unfortunately, the way home was blocked by a bad accident, so it was interesting to have 3 lanes of traffic do a collective U-turn. That’s more dangerous than the accident ahead. The rest of the ride was mostly normal (I hate weekend traffic around noon), and I got home, took a shower, and immediately stuffed my face with food. Played Octopath Traveler 2 and was reminded about why 1st Party games are superior to all other games. Love it.

AAAAAND here we are to today! Monday! Not sure what the plan is, but I’m going to be resting and doing <shudder> laundry. Cora actually woke me up this morning! I’m not sure why. She didn’t have to emergency poop or pee or anything.

Follow up

Because I ran out of time yesterday, I wanted to follow up.

I am SO sleepy today. I slept incredibly well last night for whatever reason and definitely did not want to wake up.

At work last Thursday, I was waiting for a routine exam to be finished and was laughing and yakking away with my coworker while typing up a note. I’d seen my doctor leave the room, but I assumed she was getting something. All of the sudden, I was aware that something was wrong. I jumped up out of the chair and found her sitting in the extra room. She’d been calling weakly for me, and asked for some water. I hurriedly got a cup to give her and started asking her what was wrong. She said she felt weak suddenly. She could hold and operate the cup so I wasn’t terribly worried, but I offered her my glucose tablets (which I’ve been dying to use since I got it). She eventually caved and I ripped the wrapper off to give her one. They’re really large, but she went ahead and ate one and seemed to perk up quickly from it. I watched closely to how she was doing and things seemed okay. She said she thought it was a low blood sugar event, but the tablets seemed to perk her back up and she looked physically better. That’s when I realized that my hand was bleeding (from opening the bottle). She got up and told me that she wanted to get me a bandaid, but I told her no because I have some myself. She went back to do my exam and seemed okay after that. I hung around just in case. My other boss came over later to ask me what was wrong and then prepared her some food from the fridge. The day went on as normal, but it occurred to me later that of all the people she could have called for, it was me. Her husband was right next door, my coworker was with me, the front desk was right there, but she ended up calling for me. She was right to think that my other doc would be freaking out, I think my coworker would start making weird assumptions and go call my other doctor, and the front desk really wouldn’t know what to do. I tend to be calmer in a crisis like that even though I don’t feel that way inside and will immediately jump into action. I’ve had a few emergency brushes in my life. Later she told me that it wasn’t a low blood sugar event and it was likely a panic attack. My hand cut was pretty nasty, seeping throught he bandaid the rest of the day. It’s still currently trying to heal up.

The other thing I wanted to elaborate on is the death of my poor Big Boy, Hank/Toby. He died loved by the shelter, but I just can’t stop thinking about his cute face, and, the worst, the face he made when I left him at the shelter. I’m so happy to hear that my patient really took to him after I gave him back because that’s all I wanted for him: to be happy. I’ve decided to claim ownership of him post-mortem because I was the only actual family he had in life even if it was only for 2 weeks. I have a tendency to see the dead in my dreams, the souls I care the most about, and I looked back through my dream blog to see if I’d had anything poignant during the time he died and I didn’t know about it. Typically, it takes around a month-ish for the souls to either find me or the other way around, and even longer depending on how good a person’s soul was in life. In July of last year, 2023, about a month after he’d died, I had this disturbing dream. I remember telling my brother about it because it was so vivid. I was in a barren wasteland, all sand and brush, and gray skies. At the time I described it as North Korea. There were military outposts dotted here and there that I was trying to stay away from. I knew they were watching me, but I just kept driving as if I had every right to be there. That’s when I saw something in the murk: it was a dog, except I had no idea what kind of dog it was because it looked so miserable, no fur, full of mange, and so thin like a skeleton. I knew I wasn’t supposed to, but I stopped the car and opened the door. I tried to make it look like I was using the bathroom or something casual like spitting in the dirt, but what I was actually doing was whispering for the poor creature to come to me. I kept whispering and beckoning, but the dog was incredibly hesitant to come. I kept begging, growing more anxious that I’d be found out. Eventually, the dog made its way over to me much to my relief, but it was so weak that I had to drag it into the car. Given that I had to drag it, the animal was pretty large. I quickly closed the door and pretended to fix my clothing while the dog settled in the footwell near my feet. I drove on, careful to not draw suspicion on myself and drove right by the watchful eye of the nearby guard camp. I didn’t know where I was going, but I knew I had to get the dog out of there. As I continued on through the bleak landscape, I dared to look at the dog at my feet to find it curled up and taking nap. I was resolved to remove it from such a terrible place and nurse it back to health.

Looking back on that now, I’m positive that was him. I didn’t know it at the time, but I do remember feeling affected by the dream. Perhaps the wasteland was him stuck in between planes, unsure of where to go. I’m hoping I was able to get him out and guide to a happier place. I’ll help you, pup, anytime you need it. I’m still so glad she told me even if I can’t control my emotions because if I don’t know, it’s hard to help. To pinpoint. To find. I really hope my dogs could/can help him. He always has a place in my memories and heart.

I have a few minutes here. Didn’t get to nap, yet. Just wanted to share that the random tom turkey I saw the other day was busy attacking my car yesterday, and all the other cars, too. I was so afraid that he’d get killed, so I ended up calling animal control shortly afterwards. If they didn’t show up for him attacking cars, they’d likely show up when/if he started attacking the kids at the bus stop there. When I came home, I walked Cora over there to comb for any signs of any struggle or anything but couldn’t find any. Didn’t see any bodies, no blood, no feathers. On one hand, I hope they did something because he’s a pain and mostly likely going to keep being a pain until something bad happens. On the other, I hope he’s okay. He was super aggressive running up to the front of my car like that. If he was attacking cars, then he’d have no problem aggressing people or dogs. I was all over the office about him and telling patients. When Canadian Geese are annoying in the road, I used to use my greyhounds to scare them off. That tactic was flawless as they’re much more afraid of predators than people or cars. I’m about 90% sure that Cora would be more afraid of the turkey than the turkey would be afraid of her. She wouldn’t be very useful. I tried her on some Canadian geese once and she was afraid when they opened their wings and flapped them. My greyhounds were never afraid of geese, or, really, much of anything. Just large machinery that looked like bears. If I had them with the turkey and the turkey tried to attack them, Gable would have had no problem defending himself, and then there’s Liana, too, who was a true hunter. No animal ever saw her and she’d come in out of nowhere.

Weeeekend

Going to do this backwards again. Should’ve done it yesterday, but I was really busy this past weekend. The sky is getting brighter earlier every day which means I keep getting up earlier and earlier.

Monday: Spent it as a vegetable. Thank goodness. My mind wanted me to go back out to gather more supplies before Friday, but the rest of me did NOT want to do that, thank you very much. It was really very nice outside, so it would’ve been a great day to wash the car, too, but nope. I had a RW post to draw up, I had recipes to record, a MM guide to update (which no one has looked at, oh well… I think they liked my last one because I drew that flowchart), and video games to play! I’m actually really glad I decided to play, too, because I finally after 350 hours finished the main storyline of My Time at Sandrock. This is what I call a worth-my-money type of game, though these days I try not to devote that much time into one game given that I really don’t have that kind of time to sink anymore. There’s still more to the game, so it’s not over, but I feel a sense of relief and release to allow me to start the other games I haven’t started yet. Dinner was easy spaghetti and a 2nd helping of my bourbon apple pie. Monday chores were easy this time. Brought in some plants for the frost warning (nothing happened). Went to sleep rather late, and while I slept better than the night prior (which was just terrible with bad dreams and tossing, itchy palms and feet, and later turns out I couldn’t breathe well), it still was not the best. Cora was oddly cooperative this morning…

Sunday: Wasn’t in as much pain as I thought I’d be. I had to call my Lowes credit card because I think I made a booboo on the app and there was a $400 charge that I definitely did not mean to make. On the phone for a bit with them. Quickly wrote some doitcat posts before delving back into my DATA COLLECTION ANALYSIS. Pretty proud of myself with all the data points, but some of it was frustrating. Came down to eat breakfast, then off shopping with my mom. It’s been a while since I’d been able to take her. It’s better going with me because I don’t mind shopping with her. We went to Kohls first while I tried to recup some battery on the free charger, but the escalator has been down there forever, and I really didn’t want to be in the scary elevator with strangers. So, I got a clearance shirt because I need a work shirt, then off we went to the grocery store. Things were going swimmingly there until the end when I saw this lady in a motorized wheelchair solicit my mom with a paper. My mom said she was trying to get her to pay for her groceries. I was suspicious and annoyed about that, so I followed her. She sat in the self-checkout lane where she’d likely tried to accost someone else. She then zoomed off towards the produce section where I saw her looking around suspiciously. She looked, looked and looked again, then ZOOMED out of the store. WITHOUT paying for anything at all. I was shocked and appalled. I don’t know why I was because this whole stealing thing is out of control these days but seeing it in person is completely mind boggling. I was fuming about it for a while after that. So annoyed. I mean, yeah, she only had a few items in there, but where the heck did she go? We came out shortly thereafter and I didn’t see any motorized scooter basket abandoned somewhere. Where’d she go??? I could feel bad for someone who really doesn’t have that much money, but she really didn’t look like she was handicapped, she just looked fat. Like obese, spilling over the sides of the scooter fat. Did someone pick her up? Did she take to the sidewalks? What happens when the scooter battery runs out? There ARE programs to help people out who can’t afford things like groceries. Food stamps which are now on debit cards. Churches. Other programs. Imagine if she wasn’t in need at all and just likes to scam people. Imagine if she pulls the same stunt in 5 different grocery stores in one day. Even a $30 cart’s worth of food will net her $150 in one day no problem. Preying on people’s pity and goodwill never sits well with me. I was pretty mad after that. The rest of the day saw me back at the computer to finish my data analysis, then I took to the couch. Made bourbon apple pie and stew in a bread bowl for dinner.

Saturday: WORK DAY. I woke up early like I did the Saturday before. The gameplan was: hit up Lowes for pavers, load as much as I could into the car, drop it off at the GHouse. Come home, ferry my mom, pick up Cora, run in to HD to quickly buy paver sand and soil, drive to the GHouse, and get to work while Cora runs around a bit. Well. It all started off wonky. It was raining which was NOT on the forecast. I get to the Lowes and can’t find the pavers. I ask a guy who told me he’d find the garden center guys to help me. I stand around for 10-15 minutes. No guys. I grab some foam paver base and complain at customer service. They’re apologetic about the workers and then tell me they’re likely out of that paver anyways. I pay for the foam paver base, and decide to make the trek to Gvil which is the only other store that sells it. I hop on the highway which I’ve never done in this car! I was excited until there turned out to be SO MANY PEOPLE there already! 7am on a Saturday? Really?! And it was raining, too! I grit my teeth something awful, and then get to the Lowes. Happy day, the pavers were there! Yess. Well. Actually, they were UNGODLY heavy, so immediately, I had to rethink my plans. In the end, I chose a different paver that’s easy to find at any area Lowes. It was not nearly as heavy and still the same price. I’ve used that paver before and I can’t understand the design, but we’ll cross that path when we get there. I go checkout where the lady thought I was a man (it’s okay, it happens a lot). I only got 10 pavers and 4 bags of sand and the cart was crazy heavy already. Loaded that on, then headed home not on the highway. Did some computer stuff while I waited, then loaded up for plan execution. My mom warned me that my aunt was coming to pick up my grandma. So be it. I get to the GHouse and within 10 minutes a different aunt shows up to finally take the boxes of books! Yay! Except I don’t really need it right now since I decided to focus on the outside first. Oh well. It’s cool. My aunt’s husband was with her and I had Cora on her leash. She went to meet my uncle and immediately all of her hackles were up. He was scared. I had to stick her in my car while they navigated the back gate and door where she kept setting off the alarm. I only got a little bit cleared away (my grandma who was waiting kept puttering around outside, so I had to keep my eye on her too) when the other aunt shows up to take my grandma. She gives her the laundry bag and a bag of food. My presence alone was enough to rile her up, Cora was being mean to everyone from my car, and I don’t think she liked my car very much. I had to step in front of my aunt to deal with Cora (who had her paws on the window trying to get at my aunt), which she didn’t much like, then she started ordering me around (as usual. She’s a massive control freak), and yelled at my grandma. I stepped in to try and defuse the situation by just acquiescing with her demands that I put the stuff in the fridge even though my grandma wanted to do it (for good reason as since she doesn’t see well, she won’t know where things are). I tried to crack a joke to defuse and it brought a chuckle from my grandma. They left and soon it was just me, Cora, and my other (nice) aunt and uncle. I was still only at the clearing part of my project when my aunt came out because they were done (they had to go rent a van because there were more boxes than they thought) and thoughtfully had closed the gate, the door and everything. I let Cora out and resumed my project in peace now. It was frustrating work because even though there were only 10 pavers to work with, I could not, for the life of me, figure out the pattern. 30lb puzzle pieces are hard to work with and I kept squishing my fingers. I finallllly figured something out while Cora cried at me from the fence line after killing 4 tennis balls. I cleaned up the mess that was around the holly tree, marked the line I planned on placing the retaining stones, and things were kind of coming together when I left. I can’t believe that whole circus only allowed me to finish TEN pavers. So annoyed.

Got home and immediately relaxed. I think. I can’t remember now.

Weekday: Dangit. This is why I need to post on Mondays… Only 7 minutes left. The week was a bit stressful and there was no A/C, but that wasn’t too bad. The hornets always come in this time of the year and there were a few of them. I mowed the lawn on Tuesday after work. Traffic was utterly TERRIBLE on Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday was fine. It was cloudy with no real rain all week long which sucks because my plants are dry. There was drama regarding instruments and Idiot with the office split in half on opinions there. Friday was proving to be mostly okay with the only real drama that I couldn’t find a place to charge around 10am and had to try again 2 hours later to find luck because all the PHEVs were there for some reason and the police blocked the only open port. As soon as I came back, a patient of mine whom I haven’t seen in about a year sought me out to tell me that Hank the dog that I failed the adoption for last year had… DIED. I was utterly blindsided and actually couldn’t process it for a few minutes. She showed me a picture of herself with him because they’d gotten really close after I gave him back and said that she’d been away when he died at the shelter from gastric torsion. It was going to be $20k to save him which they simply didn’t have. It slowly started sinking in and I could feel myself overwhelmed and losing control. I couldn’t help it. I broke down hard. She felt bad, but I kept trying to say that I appreciated her telling me, really. She told me that she was so happy that he’d been able to have been loved by someone even if it was only for a little bit and that made me even worse. I couldn’t help the feelings flooding into me at that point and I was just sobbing and unable to control it. The obligatory thoughts of “if I had stuck it out,” “if he’d have been with me he’d still be alive,” that sort of thing kept playing in my mind. What really got me was that all this time I thought he was happy and safe somewhere, but it turned out that he was dead. A part of me knew that his death was the happy and safe especially for a dog like him who had been through so much already. Ugh. It takes me forever to stop crying and the tissues at work wreaked havoc on the poor skin around my eyes. I looked terrible, I sounded terrible, and I still had to keep working. So embarrassing. I kept it together until I left, and it was just a wet, nasty, snotty mess on the drive home… just like when I gave him back last year. And also, like last year, when I got close to home, it stopped. I had grieved enough. I’d mourned him enough… something that someone had to do. He deserved that someone would miss him. I feel good about it now. He’s at peace now and I’m glad to have been able to give him a slice of heaven so-to-speak. I did love that dog and now I’ve decided that I claim ownership and he goes on my dog altar and my list of dogs I’ve had the pleasure of owning, just like I decided to adopt the memory of Tristan the Doberman.

Ugh. I have more to say, but I’m late now.

3 day work week! Yay! These weeks are usually fraught with anxiety, though. OH MAN, I forgot that story too. Tomorrow it is!

Talking Too Much

I was just reading an article in Reader’s Digest about a radio personality who described himself as a toxic loudmouth whose judgmental and verbose life has only caused him and the people around him anguish and torment. At 50 years old and relationships deteriorating around him, he decided to go solo on a pilgrimage in Spain with a vow of silence. It changed his life and helped him unload burden simply not talking, because when you’re not talking, you’re listening, not actively judging people and quipping acerbic shots with his barbed tongue. He explained that these days he tries to live mostly in silence and has found peace from it.

It all resonated with me because I’m actually rather similar. Not to the extent that he described, but I’m a gabber, a yakker. I’ve been that way since I was a kid though only at home. At school I rarely said anything. I was so bad that I was forced into “quiet time” for several minutes at a time (as denoted by the microwave timer) so my mom and everyone could get peace and quiet. Today, my gift for gab helps me quite a bit at work because it’s the best way I know to calm patients down apart from the energy stabilization. I literally have patients that want to see me because I can yammer on and on about anything to keep their attention away from what I’m doing. What no one realizes, though, is that I am a terrible multitasker. Truly. My DH skills themselves are impeded by my yakking. Worse, the more I have to talk to keep the patient happy. That bothers me. As a clinician especially in the dental world, we tell the same stories over and over again all day for several weeks at a time. I tells you, I get tired of my own stories, my own voices. Enter music! And pictures! For other patients, my speciality is a calm, even energy. I don’t have to speak to those patients, but I’ve mentioned before that energy control is extremely draining. As much as the music and pictures are there for the benefit of my patients, their true purpose is for me. The music helps fuel my stable mood and gives me the strength to project calm energy. I train my dogs on the same instrumental music to relax and go to sleep while I work on projects. It also work on me to help me stay happy.

Anyways, all of that is to say that I understand the need and curative properties of silence. Perhaps that’s why I desperately crave park walks with my dog. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that starting the day with a dog walk, and decompressing from work and the commute with a dog walk is necessary for my mental health. When I didn’t have a dog, it was sorely missing from my life and I felt lost, like I had no direction, when it was really that my soul and mind yearned for healing and rejuvenation. The park walk on the weekends in nature were and are the real cure. Gardening and yardwork does the same for me. I enjoy it so much because it’s just organic: it’s me and my dog in the green stuff away from people. That’s why I hate crowds and go well out of my way to travel to these parks early early when I know there aren’t many there. The people that are understand this, so they’re fine. In the past, I’ve had people walk with me, but I always enjoy it by myself and with the dogs because when there’s a person, you always feel the pull to talk to them. I don’t want to do that. I want to enjoy the nature immersion. Same with yardwork and gardening: I prefer it by myself without other people’s input. If they’re there to provide muscle, then cool, but I want the feel of the dirt in my fingers, the exertion of moving pavers or digging a hole. Worrying about where in the world Cora is or why she’s barking. It’s awesome to me.

I’m also a morning person. A TRUE morning person. Not a created morning person as many are. I naturally wake up early, I don’t need or drink coffee. I’m raring to go almost immediately. I’m completely and utterly useless at night. Mornings are quiet and beautiful, full of birdsong, and dewy smells, highlighted by the ever-growing sunrise. Squirrels have not risen, the bunnies are still feasting, only a few honks on the highway, and very very few people. It really is the best.

Silence is golden. It’s rejuvenating. It’s beautiful. So far only my dogs can understand this. Hmm. I guess it’s also rather meditative.

Well that changes quickly. I maintain a technology free hour after I wake up in the mornings. All my dog walks are free from technology, too. After that it just takes over. I can’t live without it, but it’s nice not to rely on it all the time.