Sometimes the saddest things cross my mind. I was just tucking in my boy and I always make sure to tell him he’s my good boy before I go to sleep. My mind always goes back to Tristan and how I stayed with him as he went was put down. That then translates to the inevitable time when I have to tell my boy and girl goodbye one last time. Never know exactly when that will be. I’ll never be able to stroke his fur again or kiss his head or tickle his paws or feel his Pikachu tail or watch him buck like a stallion whenever it’s time for walkies or feel his head on my leg again. I know it’s coming but man…I can prepare all I want…it won’t make it easier.

Why do I always think of these things before bed?


Speed of Fast

Some days I’m operating at the speed of slug, but today for some reason I am up and at ’em. I’ve been up since 5am. Took several self-interrupted naps until I got up a couple minutes before I was supposed to get up. Today is the day that the sealing is supposed to be done and I’m busy snooping as usual. They did arrive, exactly on time, too. There’s only one car out there, and it belongs to my neighbor one house over, which is weird because she always leaves when I walk the dogs in the morning. I hope she’s OK. They tried knocking on her door, but no answer. So, of course, I end up looking her up on White Pages because I’m nosy like that and find out she’s a radiologist, or at least a radiology tech…more likely the latter given her hours. Or really, she studied radiology and wears scrubs, so I came to that conclusion.

I’m sure my speed will disappear as soon as I get to work, whereupon I will become slug again.

My brother announced last night that he was done packing for the beach. I’m still operating out of 2 laundry baskets in my room with still more clothes in the dryer and hamper. Not doing very well. I was supposed to pay some bills, too, but got too lazy once the internet was acting up. I’ll do it tonight…I hope. This past weekend, I was supposed to find my bags to pack, but as soon as I opened the closet I found some pictures and started scanning negatives with the scanner. It works, but it takes forever (10 minutes) and I realized that it would be so much easier to just go out to Wal-Greens or something and have them do it. Not to mention I ended up breaking the little plastic thingy. -_-;; Yeah the beach packing thing will have to wait…Maybe tomorrow night. I just know, though, that the instant I start dealing with zippers, a certain striped doggie and subsequently the dark one, will be freaking out thinking something is happening.

Still have to clean things too, because I really hate coming back from a trip and into a mess.

After all of that

I went back to look at the calendar because literally no one else in the neighborhood had moved their cars and turns out the calendar the dumb HOA sent us had on today Tuesday the 22 “Move cars by 7am….TOMORROW MORNING.” WTF. If you want cars to be removed the next day, put it on the next day. Even if we were the only ones who did move the cars, the HOA is constantly threatening towing and fining if we dont comply to their demands to a T…our house in particularly keeps getting hounded by them and now we’re gunshy. The tree in the back is still splitting and yet we’ve yet to hear anything at all, though we submitted it by paper too this time. What’s the point of an HOA when it’s not working for the community but for money? I can’t think of much they’ve really done for us except complain and take pictures of minor offenses and then threatening consequences.


Chilling in my car before work and using my new neck pillow for the car. Very nice. It’s supposed to go along with my lumbar cushion and I shall be using it on the trip!!

Damn HOA

OK…if this tree falls over onto our neighbor’s house it’s not our fault. They need to get back to us about it. I sent it via email since we’re in the 21st century but if they want it by snail mail instead, then that’s fine, let us know. Very annoying. HOAs are in theory, great, but ours is a huge pain in the butt. Don’t do this, you can’t do that, oh here, let’s just increase the due every single year because we don’t do anything anyways but we like moar monies. On top of it all, the person writing the newsletters is straight up annoying. There are nice ways to say things and not nice ways to say things. How come my HOA down south is practical and nice and to the point? I’ve lived where there is no HOA and where there’s a civic association and I’ll take the latter any day.

My friend tells me that there’s an 80% solar eclipse coming to the US on August 21! I need to get my glasses. Except that I’ve been spending money out the wazoo. UUUUUGGGHHH. I just want to live a normal life but I can’t, can I? Haha…I used that saying the other day on a teenager and it belies my age, for one, but as I increasingly find, my non-native status. I’ll say things that I heard often as a kid but people in general around here find foreign and funny. I used the term “hooligan” with my patient the other day and he thought it was absolutely hilarious. There’s something to be said for “uneducated” people huh? I dunno. I miss it. The little things like that. They make life less uptight, kinder, somehow. I feel like I always have be politically correct and proper around here.

I was texting and messaging up until 11pm last night. Given that my bedtime is 10pm, my conversations ended up melding into my dreams so I hope I was making sense to my friends…probably was half asleep at the time.

The section on paranormal stuff ended today in my potty book, but the last entry was about haunted objects. The “experts” in the field consider “energy” responsible for things like residual hauntings. Apparently hauntings are either intelligent or residual. Residual is described as an oft worn path of energy that continues to replay, kind of like a burnt on image of a movie or TV show to the screen. Have you ever seen the show “Haunted Collector?” That was the first time I’d ever heard of items being haunted…though I thought the show was a bit of a sham. It stopped airing a long while ago.

Hmm. Time seems to have escaped me today. Happy Friday!

Since College

…that was the last time I preferred to listen to classical music while doing work needing concentration. When I was playing Watch Dogs a few weeks back, I realized how much I missed listening to classical and how many songs I’d known over the years. Now when I type up these blog entries, I switch from worded songs to instrumental/classical only. I love it. Music plays a major part in my life worded and non. Being around other people, I realize that not everyone is like that. I need it. I’m always playing it. Probably it occupies my brain because it’s always working and needs to focus on something. I always complain that I can’t multitask, but my brain does multitask in that aspect. When I’m drawing or anything crafty I need music. Not TV, not a movie, but something in the background. I’m less musically creative or performing these days, but music is and has always been so significant in my life, that it’s not readily apparent until it’s either not there or someone else doesn’t agree. Not just any music either. My music. Of course.

I’m going to take a moment, now to complain about reviews. Reviews in general. These days, now that the internet is everything and used in pretty much all decision making, reviews are all the rage. I, myself, am not immune and I’m sad to say that reviews truly do have an impact upon my purchases. Reviews on the surface are great! Before you buy, you already know what to expect, what problems have arisen, the dimensions, the feel, and more information than you’d ever need to know. It solves the problem of online buying where you can go out and touch and feel the item, and on top of it gives further insight as to durability and function. Instead of going into how this affects society as a whole and contributing the distrusting nature and lack of adventuresomeness these days born from internet use, I’ll just focus on reviews themselves. Given how much reviews drive sales, of course, companies trying to push products are going to try and cheat. 5 stars? 4.5 stars? Yeah let’s just group ALL of our products together and make it confusing so that people will buy them! Let’s get some paid reviewers (while honest, has the psychological free-effect where most likely it’s going to be a positive review), let’s randomly post some fantastic reviews written by employees because we have no integrity. Then there are companies that are very stand-up and honest. Products, video games, food, movies…everything gets a review. The question is, do you have to have a 5 start product? How many movies that were mediocre have you watched that you were still glad you watched? Technically, a 3-star product is quite decent. It works like it’s supposed to. Even if it’s not 5 stars, it’s still a decent product. Those people more than likely didn’t return it and still use it. However, you are very uninclined to buy a 3 star product when a 5 star is available to you. Then you jump into the world of relativity. One person loved it one person hated it, and boom you have a 3 star review. People are dumb, too. They don’t read instructions, and they don’t fully understand products. Some are very knowledgeable, others know jack and still want to review. Just read some “amazon questions” sometime and omg people are IDIOTS. AND, food and movies…people’s tastes are completely different. I hate food reviews. No one tastes food the same way and half of the time the reviews aren’t about the food, it’s about the lighting or something. Everyone also has that one family member that hates everything and they’re probably the one reviewing while other people think it was good and don’t need to review. Which brings me to the next part which is the people reviewing…Most people who are happy with a purchase don’t care to. Most people will review are those who FREAKING LOVED IT or those who FREAKING HATE IT. What about the 70% who didn’t feel the need to?

Am I still going to use reviews? Yes. Of course. But always with a grain of salt.

Ok rant over. WTF. I meant that to be like one small paragraph.

What I was meaning to post as the main post today deals with different body structures. If you draw at all, at some point you’re going to be studying anatomy, even briefly. For me, I started drawing because anatomy and shapes intrigue me. Teeth. Muscles. Forms. When I was younger and drew pretty much every single day I drew better…these days I’m more mature in my knowledge, but my drawings are worse. More accuracy, less skill. Artists always say, draw, draw, draw, draw. That’s the real trick. The problem for me these days is the lack creativity…in my younger years I’d draw all sorts of stuff even though I didn’t know as much. I love looking at my old sketchbooks because the mind of a kid is so much more broad and imaginative. I can’t do that anymore and it’s depressing. I guess I could try to train it again to do that? I dunno. This rigid adult mind preoccupied with mature, adult things like bills and food and biological clocks.

ANYWAYS…again with the sidetracking…my body is strangely shaped. Yes, yes, there is so much variation in body structure given the bazillion people on this earth, but I notice it. I have tiny feet in comparison to my body, child-bearing hips, huge thighs, massive cankles (my brother noticed that my calves are larger than 95% of the people at a buffet recently), no real waist to speak of, medium sized boobs, massive shoulders, smaller hands and a relatively small head compared to everything else. What really stands out to me, though, is my neck, or really, the back of my neck. It’s strange, really. Pictures to follow.




When I’m at church, I’ll look around at the back of people’s necks and mine is truly weird. Then I was curious and looked it up online. Now, I don’t know if it’s common, but dang those online models have long necks.

Here are the female ones. Notice the long necks for one, but that cervical bump/protuberance that is like a muscle attachment area, is not prominent on them at all. I tried to find different, average, and ethnic ones but I couldn’t.

Now some male ones. See how mine is more prominent? More like the males.

I think my body is an interesting mix of male and female characteristics. It all goes back to me being highly certain that I had a fraternal twin who died in the womb. Most likely male. Let’s not go into the spirt portion of this, but it might explain me as a whole. The mom’s body releases estrogen and testosterone for the baby, right? So if my brother died, then single baby would get more? I dunno. I never took developmental biology…but that’s my hypothesis. And if that’s not the case, then I just got more testosterone in the womb. I AM A CHIMAERA. Not really. Broad shoulders like a man, but the wide hips and boobs of a woman.

All of this to try and explain away this structure on the back of my neck. Haha. Beh. Why does it matter anyways? It’s what and who I am…it’s just maybe I’m terrified that is why he found me increasingly unattractive and therefore other males won’t find me attractive either. I’m built and can act rather masculine. I can’t help it. I’ve always been that way. 

This brain is insane. And bored. And lonely. Hence all these dumb entries.



I’m jealous. Oh so jealous of other people and their happy relationships. I faulted my mom for these exact same feelings after the divorce and now I understand it completely. Of all the people to choose, we ended up choosing those who cared more about themselves than anyone else. And still do. I see boyfriends and husbands who think of their women (and children!), do things for them, so that their lives can be easier, happier and more enriched. No one is perfect but the mere fact that they care more for the well-being of someone other than themselves is heartwarming. My boyfriend bought me this, he took me there, we did this together, he made this, picked this out for me…because he thought I’d like it. Spending the time to do something merely because you think I’d like it means so much more to me than how much it costs. Time is money but money can’t buy more time. That green pang of jealousy when I see how sweet other men can be is impossible for me to stop from happening…I need to try and be happy for people. That bitterness is creeping steadily in no matter what I do. 


Relating to my previous post, and I know I still haven’t gotten into the nitty gritty placing me as this paranormal wonder, I really do seem to have a strong aura that projects out there like a beacon. All of the sudden my previous suitors have taken a renewed interest in me and are talking to me all at once again. It’s one thing if you follow me on Facebook but this guy I hadn’t talked to in 2 years and frankly I thought he had moved away or something. Nope out of the blue we were playing catch up on Steam messenger and it was amazing how much I remembered about him because after our first date he was a definite no for me so I kind of…forgot him. Haha. 

I swear…maybe I am sending an “I’m available” signal out there.


My dreams last night were interesting too, involving people I uses to know but straight up people I’ve never seen before and do not recognize. Bartolomeu was this one guy’s name, a guy from Africa. He was my ally’s right hand man. We were fighting another faction in this fight game in a facility of some sort set up for sneaking or faction wars. Lots of other people I don’t know but he stood out the most and I was the most drawn to him. Had to track him down to return his red cap.