I am OLD

Yesterday was my birthday. Yet another birthday. It was great, though! Since I have no car and can’t go anywhere on my own, I got to spend time with my nephew and we spent the day at my grandparent’s house with my dogs too. I got everything I could want: family, dogs, time off work and a very short haircut. Doesn’t get much better than that.

My car came up to $3000 in replacements and repairs. It turned out more complex than the estimate dude thought, so now I’ll be without a car much longer than I thought. Thankfully my situation allows me the use of my family’s cars and my brother works from home for the most part. My insurance does not cover rental car because I bought it way back in 2010 when I was poor with the intention of changing it when I got a job, but it completely slipped my mind and there you have it. Later, I’ll definitely add it to my plan. After the rates hike up of course. Sigh.

I read an article the other day about this lady who divorced her husband and reflecting on how it went wrong and how now they get along so much better apart than ever together. Great as friends, but not as partners. I felt a bit guilty. It makes sense, to think of a marriage or any relationship at all as a partnership. I feel like there’s nothing anywhere that trains you on how to make a relationship work. Not school, not books, definitely not TV or movies. The clues are there, just never explicitly explained…instead the focus is all on marriage for love. Everyone gets that. All songs, most movies, video games, books…how to get the girl or guy, how gorgeous they have to be, the focus on lust…all physical feelings and attractions: exactly the stuff that make a baby happen and then guaranteeing a split. Primal. Maybe at one point in the existence of humans this was completely appropriate, but not in society now where it takes money, support, and psychology…and well, a partnership…to make it all work.

Now that I’ve read it, it all makes sense. I think about the team, the partnership concept, and look to where I have the best example of this: work. My co-worker/friend/former classmate. We work well together. VERY well together. I miss her heavily when she’s not there. We’re not friends so much in the sense that we hang out outside of work. I’ve done that on rare occasions and like back when we were in school. That’s our space. We work…together. I don’t lord over her, I don’t control her, in fact, she has my significant respect. I don’t want to change her. I pick up slack for her when she needs it, I help her out. She does the same for me. We agree on mostly the same morals. We have very similar work ethics. When I just can’t do something, I know that she’ll be able to and I pass it off to her. I’ll readily and do tell patients that if she can’t do something, I sure as heck can’t–I’m proud of her abilities. We’re partners. I care strongly about her well being, about her family and about her future. I never want to see her hurt. However, we are our own people and I never try to change that because if she ever did, that wouldn’t be her and I’d miss that too. We talk about deep things, about family. She listens, I listen to her. We exchange ideas. We are allowed to adopt the other’s ideas, or not. She’s her own person. We can sit in silence together and it’s not awkward at all. We have space and we have together time. A partnership. We work well in a team.

A relationship, in my opinion, should be very similar, with a few physical differences, but that shouldn’t be all it’s about. Based strongly off of respect for the other. Balanced in all ways, with space and with closeness. Never about changing the other or holding to expectations because that mere fact alone means that you don’t trust them to be able to accomplish things in life. No grading a relationship, no deep analysis. I am prone to it, because that’s how my brain thinks, but here’s the weird part about that: I have never ever analyzed my and my coworker’s relationship at all. There has never ever been a need to do so. It just exists, happily. Does that mean, then, that the relationship analysis only came about because there’s a sense that something is not quite right?

Sure, there are other things keeping us together, like money, and the workplace. Every relationship is different as well. Sparks peter off, beauty will fade. But money and kids can be that possible glue that keeps a couple together, though hopefully it doesn’t come to that. Well. Whatever the future holds for me relationship-wise, I do not want to repeat my mistakes. I will look at it like a partnership, no one higher than the other. That was our big problem. He kept saying that we’re so far apart in our life roads that we weren’t compatible. It’s true. I kept treating him like I was the teacher and he as the student…hardly an equality in respect. I don’t know if there was anything I super respected about him. He was like another younger brother to me and when I absorbed from him things I had no experience in, it was like a spider sucking all the juices out of a fly. There was nothing left, no fight in him either. I was fond of him. I NEED to respect my significant other…something I don’t give away lightly at all. That’s why I have so very few friends.

I don’t want to marry for love in the romantic sense. I think it’s folly to be overcome by emotion like that and make significant decisions. Not in my late age. That’s probably why people get married in their twenties: not only are you biologically peaked, but you’re not set in your ways yet. Not like I am now. Inflexible.

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Ash Wednesday

And I am constipateddddddd. Auuuuuuugh. WHere are the PRUNES?

Ash Wed. A time to be grateful for what you have. There are so many things in life I take for granted and I see that with all the older patients I have. Just walking, moving, talking, sitting, lying down, overall health is so hard. Don’t take anything for granted. I am blessed in life right now, very blessed. I don’t want to waste it because nothing will be as easy as this ever again. No hurry to get older. If you want to do it, go do it. No regrets.

RAGE

Friday! Well that came quick!

I spent yesterday morning in a rage because Idiot at work makes me SO ANGRY. Actually it was an unfortunate chain of events.

  1. My first patient was strangely grumpy (I’m starting to see why people like to see the same hygienist every time they come as opposed to different ones…I’ve been getting back some of mine that had been seeing other hygienists and they all exhibit the same mannerisms that I’m not used to: usually chill patients are suddenly nervous, especially when I come to certain areas in their mouths, they tremble a little when I’m working, they’re impatient and intolerant. This is all in opposition to the ones that have remained on my schedule with me) and nervous. That makes my life much more difficult when patients don’t trust me and don’t readily give me full reign of their mouth. 
  2. My doctor was taking her sweet time. What’s the difference here? She does this often and it annoys the heck out of me. However…
  3. Idiot was busy doing her chair jump habit which meant that I have no extra chair to go to. Things were going OK because our 2 patients were in the waiting room together still.
  4. My patient’s wife was already being seen. I hate when couples come together. I really do. When one spouse is seen, it makes the other one really impatient, a what-about-me mentality. Stress level and anger level greatly rising.
  5. 15 minutes in, doctor has JUST started doing the exam. 
  6. Cue Idiot who despite the fact that she’s getting an exam done in another room goes to get her next patient back because the assistant is too nice and always cleans her room even though she’s constantly using both rooms. That leaves just my patient in the waiting room.
  7. Finally done with my exam, but now they’re standing there, just talking. 
  8. 20 minutes late. I run into the room and start speed breaking down. Very upset now because no one has any respect for my schedule in the least. And who’s going to clean MY room, huh? I have to do it myself.
  9. I head to the back and ready myself to come back, since I always make my tray while waiting, I go to grab it. IT’S NOT FREAKING THERE. Guess who decided to take it? AGAIN. Rage level is almost at breaking point. I grab the tray that’s not mine and run for it.
  10. I run back to my chair. My previous patient and doctor have made it to the door but are still talking. Clean clean clean, make sure to slam as many things as possible. Trying to vent as much of my anger and quickly as possible before I bring back the next patient.
  11. I go to get him, but my patient is STILL THERE AND BLOCKING THE DOOR.
  12. She opens it and continues to talk to my doctor. I see my next patient who has gotten up and is about to ask the front desk about his appointment. I raise my voice above my prior patient’s back and call him back before he can say anything. I’m pretty sure it comes out as a bark and a command.
  13. He strolls back and I’m struggling to bring down the rage inside me. We start the appointment quickly and luckily for me he does something unintentionally hilarious and it helps me calm down.
  14. Idiot has been spouting idiocy nonstop the entire appointment. I don’t have time to get more upset with it, but it keeps my anger and rage simmering. My patient is a great patient. Large mouth, easy to see.
  15. Finally I’m almost done, but the floss that was on the tray I very rarely ever use because it gets stuck on some people. Unluckily for me, I manage to fray it and get it stuck in 2 of his teeth. Anger and frustration return instantly and I’m unable to maintain my relative calm attitude. I carefully solve the problem, and then go back with regular floss and remove the frayed pieces stuck.
  16. OK, done, finally. Idiot is still not doing work at all, just yakking. I’m about to leave and wash my hands of it all because THANK GOD I made it through without killing anyone, when my patient turns to me and asks my name. Not an uncommon question, so I tell him. Then. Then. He asks me the questions I LOATHE, DESPISE, HATE people asking me: “No, what’s your REAL name?” I give him a blank stare and a “huh?” So he asks again, “What’s your Chinese name?” I knew it. I must have given him a withering look (I have my mask on so you can only see my eyes) because he starts to falter a bit. ONCE AGAIN, I’m struggling to control my anger (i can feel my hands shaking and my chest is going to burst) as I respond with a shrug that it’s my real name. So then he asks once more, “what’s your family name?” I pause again for effect and the snarl behind my mask. “Oh you mean my last name?” He says yes so I respond and  get the HELL OUT. With speed.

I am SO ANGRY so I find my closest target, friend coworker and start griping to her about it. Apparently I was getting loud because she told me my patient was looking at me and then told me to go eat cheesecake. I rush into the breakroom, find my other coworker and start venting again, this time I could care LESS who hears me, in fact I want her to hear me, the entitled ass cow. Another coworker arrives and they manage to calm me down by volunteering food. I start thinking about doughnuts and fries and instantly I’m calm. Crazy, huh? I was fine the entire rest of the day.

MonDAAAAY

Again.

WHoo! Check it out! I finished my craft project yesterday! Super proud of myself for actually finishing a product. I you’re interested in how it was done, see this.

Now I have to do laundry. Blechy.

Got an eye exam this morning. Very nice doctor. Same exact prescription as I’ve had for years. No need to change glasses, but I might come back and order new glasses when I actually have monies to spend. Dilation just started totally wearing off, but I swear I’ve been chewing through anesthetic in the last few years much faster than I’ve ever done before.

Other than that…nothing else to report. Super proud of myself for finishing that flag. :) Won’t be displaying it until closer to the date, though.

Been eating a lot again… buh.

Yeeeah

Did not get up this morning. Thank goodness the alarm in my head went off, because I shot awake 11 minutes after I was supposed to and ran off to start the routine. One look outside confirmed why I couldn’t wake up: rain! This warm weather is driving me absolutely batty. I hate it. The tulips and such will be coming up soon, I’m sure. The sad part is that I’ve been waiting for it in order to do that fence, even though the BEST opportunity was this weekend and I didn’t get to do it after all.

Speaking of which, my stomach still hurts, but not like before. It’s just kind of unhappy,  but not debilitatingly so. Stomach bug? That or too much cheese and beans. Haha. I made nachos last night. Oh so good. Next time, not so many beans, though. My knee feels much much better today. I just hope it continues down that path.

Back to work this week. -_-;; Feeling some major “don’ wanna work” blues right now. I’m glad I decided to take off the week of my birthday. I’m totally rocking the Chinese New Year thing this year! I don’t know why I’m so excited!

Stayed home from work today

I should be sleeping, but the door handle/latch in the front doesn’t work very well…one of these days we’re not going to be able to get in…since I was at home by myself tonight, I made sure to leave out the back door to walk the dogs and had a backup plan in the event I really can’t get the door to open…and my mom wanted me to be on alert in case she can’t get in either. It’s OK, it’s Friday night and I’ve been home all day anyways…

…yesterday I just couldn’t take it anymore and had to ask off of work. This minor cold has moved down to my chest and the weird thing is that usually I feel like crap when the congestion gets really bad, but this time I don’t. My body feels completely normal and functional, which is why I thought I could work, it’s just that my coughs sound like death and sometimes I get into a coughing fit because my lower respiratory system is clogged. At times I feel like I’m having asthma and can’t breathe well, and most of the time my throat is just lined with mucous. Yeah. Strange stuff…apparently it’s been going around, though and hangs about for 2 weeks or so. I’m just glad I stayed home today. Surprisingly, or not, the instant I woke up this morning I felt better! Honestly I think the prospect of “not working” had something to do with that. LOL. Really.

What did I do all day? Played Monster Quest Builders. Very close to being done. Whenever I look back on my days and realize I LITERALLY spent it all playing games, I feel like a bum, but it’s freaking cold, I’m sick, and I think it’s OK. What else would I do? Can’t be productive all the time, right? … I still feel like a bum. I even managed to mess up my laundry. Two loads. First load smelled a little funny when I was putting it in the dryer and only afterwards did I realize I hadn’t added detergent, but I had already started the second load. Buh. Maybe my brain isn’t as unaffected as I thought. Still getting used to the detergent dispenser, though.

Getting a nose pimple from blowing my nose. Beh.

Prep, during and after dinner I was busy watching paranormal shows. I can only do this when no one else is home because no one else ever wants to watch it. Always say that it’s too creepy. Well. The last one I watched with the bad actors in the reenactment was pretty creepy! This lady had been haunted by a nightmare of a witch chasing her since she was little and all of the sudden it was popping up again and the witch was getting closer and closer each dream. She started acting weird and her new husband was having a hard time with this different woman who was strangely angry and never wanted to leave the house ever and just wanted to sit in the dark. It even began affecting her kids. Eventually it got to the point where the witch caught her and tried to choke her (why is that such a common occurrence with women in these stories?) and she described it as the witch with red eyes was trying to suck out her soul. It all got really really bad and they eventually called in some religious people (I missed some of it) to do a “deliverance” which is basically an exorcism as I saw. They showed actual footage and it was really rather creepy. Then when they were able to expel the demon and she finally smiled again for the first time in months, she asked the people why her, why was the demon attached to her and trying to take her over. She had mentioned that the demon had red eyes, and they asked her if she’d messed with anything occult like séances or spiritual boards. She thought for a moment was like, YES, OMG when she was 13 (the same age that the dreams started) she’d always go to her grandma’s house and play with the Ouija board! They went on to describe that usually the demons like to strike when the person is the most happy. In her case, her marriage to her new husband (who had a faith background as a Catholic school student) was the catalyst and the demon did not like that at all and did anything in its power to dissolve the relationship and regain power. Eventually it would’ve sucked her dry and then leave her as a shell of a person. You  had to see it. Eventually they ended up divorcing anyways, but on good terms. As if he was put there in her life merely to help her through this obstacle. Without him who knows what would have happened…he was the catalyst in the downward spiral, but she was always on that downward path, just slowly. When he wasn’t needed anymore, his job was done. I don’t know how well I described it here.

As much as I believe in ghosts and paranormal, I usually look through these shows with some skepticism until it aligns with what I believe to be true or reasonable in the paranormal sense. This one struck a chord with me, especially their explanation. I thought back to how happy M and I were in the beginning and I remember prodding his religious side. He was happy, nice, loving, caring. When I stayed with him that one night, I’ll never ever forget the paranormal activity in his house above us. Straight up footsteps walking across the floor. Those annoying chain rattling sounds. Before that all, he had showed me (behind a massive wall of junk his sister had) their little altar for his grandpa (Asian style) because I asked what it was and we’d seen to our amazement the one of the teacups was broken neatly in half. He was a little perturbed because literally no one had gone back there (or had been able to honestly) for a long time since his mom had been in the house. I remember thinking in my  head that a neglected shrine/altar is never a good thing and paranormal immediately jumped into my head. Needless to say I didn’t sleep very well at all that night. And it was cold even though I’d brought my own fuzzy blanket. I kept saying prayers in my head which worked until I stopped saying them and the annoyance would start up again right when I was drifting off to sleep. M ended up sick then too. He never gets sick. It was right after that he started to change. He told me later, after I mentioned his house was haunted, that he sometimes heard the footsteps too. I warned him not to be afraid and to try and drum up some faith in a higher being, but knowing him, he was afraid. Sigh. Then a few months later, I mentioned it in passing and he vehemently and almost angrily denied it all. It was a similar pattern where he would get angry at me for little things and started shutting down. He didn’t like the light, either, and I would joke, saying he was a like vampire in his cave. Our relationship didn’t last long after that…it just limped along until I called it off.

Makes me wonder, though, you know? Obviously the spirit in the house didn’t like me, much. He was always prone to depression anyways, a surefire, easy way for a spirit to enter. When I first met him, I was drawn in because he was perceptive…I could sense the receptive side of him, something you don’t see in many people. It’s a perception that makes one sensitive to psych waves and subsequently paranormal stuff. About the time we started going downhill, I couldn’t sense it in him anymore, like he shut it down or it was plugged. Was it the same kind of story? At the end he told me, like the lady, he didn’t know why he’d get angry or suddenly not care about things he used to care about. Shortly before I broke us up, he almost begged me, so uncharacteristically for his surly self, to help him learn why he was like that and how to overcome it. I did my best, but I knew that it was ultimately up to him. HE had to be the strong one, I can’t do anything besides be a rock, and he wasn’t employing anything I advised him to do, nor did he trust me anymore. Maybe he was unable to, in retrospect, by something unseen. One of my last words to him was to get out of the house, that it’s haunted and I firmly believe that it was having a seriously negative effect on him. His house was always full of strife and arguing and yelling. He told me straight up the house is not haunted, he never heard any noises and that I’m crazy. He had told me something very different after that incident.

Like the people were explaining: the new husband had Faith, he was making her happy and giving her strength. Spirit didn’t like that, so it caused turmoil and even though she was able to expel the majority of the demon away, it looks like it still won in the end. I came into his life. I have Faith. It forced itself in between us and turned him into someone I didn’t even recognize. The spirit won. It didn’t like me and now we’re split. Badly, too. Couldn’t help but see parallels. Haha. It’s easy to blame the ghost. While I do think it had something to do with it, I understand that it wasn’t all its fault. Maybe it was doing it for my sake or just protecting him, I dunno. I just hope and wish and pray that he’s not being negatively affected by anything like that. It still amazes me how many people are terrified of paranormal and horror stuff. Like, terrified terrified. I’m not saying I’m not afraid, but dang some of that stuff is spooky, but I accept paranormal activity. Science can’t explain everything. I’ve had too many experiences to deny it.

There was one dream I had recently and in the past too, that sometimes makes me wonder if I’ll always be strong enough to repel any that come knocking on my door. I truly believe that I’m sensitive to them. Not like a psychic, not that strong, just sensitive to the spirits. They’ve gotten close. I know they’re drawn to receptive people. I try not to allow many cracks in my door and I try to remain vigilant. Strength in faith. Confidence in faith. Respectful, but confident and firm. Can’t let fear take over.

I haven’t updated in a while

!! Isn’t it crazy? In possibly a good way? I can’t remember what I posted about last. Christmas is less than one week away now! I’ve been busy spending money left and right, trying to finish up the gift lists. Now it’s just the little people and the lottery tickets. I just know that this week at work is going to fly by, as crazy as it’s going to be.

Not too terribly much as happened since whatever the last post was. Just shopping and planning, and writing cards, and decorating. Overall I’ve been staying quite busy somehow and playing amazingly few video games! I literally was just playing the first real new game in a few weeks. It was a free one off Xbox Store called Murdered: the Soul Survivor by Square Enix. Graphics are good, the storyline is intriguing and it’s a really neato idea…similar to one on Gamecube years ago (was it called…Obscure? I can’t remember). Effectively, you’ve been killed and your ghost needs to solve its own death mystery in order to cross over. Good thing you were a detective in real life! You can possess things, walk through some walls and eventually gain ghostly abilities as the game progresses. It has a horror game feel that keeps me somewhat scared and on my toes the whole time I’m playing. Creepy, dark, thriller vibe. While at first it was very interesting, I have a feeling it’s going to get boring or monotonous…already I was getting frustrated with the puzzle investigation. This is the type of thing I love because Ghost Trick: Phantom Menace by Capcom was like this and I LOVED it…except that was just funny, intriguing and all sorts of different emotional influences. Puzzles! Mysteries! Ghosts! You know how intrigued I am about ghostly things.

One of my coworkers was engaged on Friday night. The other one who has been begging her bf to get engaged and he promised and such for over a year has not been proposed to. I am happy for her! In fact, I am confident and sincere in saying that as well proud of myself for being able to do so. A few weeks ago, I busy feeling jealous of everyone. I am, honestly, though, worried for both of them: the engaged and the almost-engaged. I have one other friend who is engaged and I have no worries about her because I have a good vibe about that. Then again, I’ve been around this coworker regularly for almost 10 years now, so I think I know her rather well. The more I care about someone, the more worried I get about significant things such as this. I’m worried because of what I know of her…she likes fancy things. Nice food, nice places, nice things, and yet she’s practical and down to earth. Her now fiancé is not really fancy. It used to be too common for her to be eating at bigger chain food eateries, but she told me the other day they’ve been going to place I would’ve thought not gourmet enough for her. Now, I can’t tell if it’s just her tastes depending on who she’s with, because when I first met her she was OK eating at McDonald’s and Red Lobster and such. Then a few years ago she’d rather go to really nice places, and currently we’re at Popeyes and Olive Garden and pho and such. It’s worrisome because know how much of a hurry she’s in to get married and start a family. I know what it is to be “ok” with something because your partner is a certain way…at first…because you love them, but then when that love fades a bit and then suddenly you realize that it’s not so “ok” after all.

We discussed for a time today her dilemma about religion. More and more I see this creep up: not only in my prior relationship, but in my sister’s, in the not-yet-engaged coworker, in my own parents, in other people I know. Basically they’re doing a church wedding only because his mom is absolutely adamant about it. And then they’re going to raise their kids Catholic too not because either of them believe in it (he was raised Catholic but according to her he doesn’t believe in religion at all, and her parents are Buddhist but she doesn’t believe in anything either), but because they like the morals. That reasoning is wholly flawed in practice and I let her know that. I was born and raised Catholic. My dad came into Catholicism basically because he wanted to marry my mom and that’s it. We always knew growing up that he wasn’t devout at all because he never practiced anything Christian. Then again I also think it’s flawed that they’re only going to do a Catholic wedding (and the diocese around here is not very forgiving) because his mom is being extremely petulant about it and straight up REFUSES to show up if they don’t. My friend/coworker is not a vindictive person. She wants to be as open-minded as possible and wants badly for this to work out. Apparently she told him she wanted to get married and he organized and bought a ring all within a week. That’s commendable but I wonder what he feels about everything…I don’t know much at all about him personally. No matter what people tell me about a person, I always make my own judgments based on my own intuition. I wonder if he too is as desperate as she to start a family…if so then I’m not sure how well a relationship will last based upon desperation and the call of the biological clock.

I’ve seen so often now, this clash of religion and its siblings philosophy and the spirit. In a society that basically makes it taboo to talk about religion or politics with others, I think what ends up happening is that people are afraid to discuss and share ideas. I’ve repeatedly stated, the happiness and health of a person involves not just mind and body, but spirit as well. If you don’t have the 3, there’s something missing and you’re not whole. What’s happened, then, is that problems arise when matters of morality and philosophy come up. For most it’s either fight or flight. Avoid! Change subject! or, Bristle! Grow enraged! Definitely among strangers, but oftentimes, between couples or friends. You can always agree to disagree, but I believe strongly that between a couple and especially when raising children together, there must be a mutual belief and a mutual understanding. However — and here’s the important part — that means one must actually understand one’s beliefs. That pillar, that immutable, that true, that core foundation that makes you who you are. Your own creed, your own moral code. All too often do I come across those who have no clue and have never took the time to inspect, process, think about and comprehend themselves that deeply. It gets a little tricky because experiences are always changing, new situations and people are always coming into lives, so feelings, ideas and beliefs can change over time, but that core self never does through it all.

The Christians call it temptations to test their faiths. Call it what you like. I, myself, in my own spiritual journey have been tested tremendously. I have had PLENTY of time to think, mull, deny, believe, change my mind, etc. I’ve taken classes in and understand all sorts of science, philosophical arguments, over and over and over. Still do, all the time. I was born and raised Catholic. I’ve gone through periods of not caring, of pure rebellion, of all sorts of thoughts. None more powerfully than when I had a boyfriend who could care less, and told me that he only used religion as a tool when he was fighting in a war and thought he might die. He doesn’t need it anymore and now doesn’t believe anymore either. I was OK with that because I loved him so much, and that made me rethink my own beliefs, question, and yes, even give them up so that I could best partner with him. Through it all, I’ve come to realize that despite the fact that I do not agree with all things the Church as an institution teaches, I am, indeed, Catholic…or more accurately, Christian. Catholicism as a specific branch of Christianity and merely a method of practicing it. And from my experience, I decided that if I must (and if it’s even a possibility at this point, since apparently I’m not relationship material), it has to be either another Catholic or at least Christian. It HAS to be that way.

The part I just mentioned about me giving up my own beliefs because that’s the best way to adapt to my partner at the time, is what I’m feeling might be going on with my coworker and her now fiancé, even if they don’t and can’t see it right now. On both ends. Same exact thing with my sister. One day, it will rear its head and make itself known.

That’s probably what’s wrong with the world these days: people just don’t understand themselves truly. Not to say that there’s one right answer, because I don’t believe in one right answer; just the right answer for a particular life. Life has way too many variables and factors for there to be one answer for it all. Like I’ve asked before: what IS the point of it all? When it comes down to your death, everyone will believe in something, even it’s nothing. The belief of nothing.

So to quote from Indiana Jones: “It’s time to ask yourself, what you believe.”