Monday Working

Bluh. Just bluh. I guess the anxiety of remembering to wake up on a Monday had gotten to me, but I was WIDE awake at 2:00am thinking it was at least 6:00am. Which meeeeans that I spent the rest of the morning sleep-waking-sleep-waking in anticipation. I don’t set my alarm anymore because my body wakes up when it knows it’s supposed to wake up (unless it’s for a 7am call). Plus, these days with DST being over, the sun is up before I’m supposed to wake up which is nice because my body is up with the light and down with the light.

Now, the whole day is going to be like that because my brain is working before reality. Great.

Gamer Guy has been talking to me a lot on Messenger. I’m still not interested. I wonder if he thinks that I’m his only shot left for a relationship which is why he’s been so tenacious. I mean, I was in a relationship for about 2 years, 1.5 years officially and he was probably one of the longest and first guys I communicated with. I think…I HOPE…I’ve been treating him just like a friend, because that’s my goal. He’s messaging me right now.

Gable is suspicious because I’m not usually up this early and doing the weekday schedule on a Monday…and when I am…that means…I’m leaving.

This time of the year is really my favorite. Good memories, and there’s a bit of a calm before the storm. It seems to peaceful.

 

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Depressing

I was just chatting with one of my long term suitors turned friend/suitor. Man. I really am still not ready to get back into the game. It’s really very depressing. He’s a nice guy and I’m still not interested in him in that way. I swear I’m too cynical, too narcissistic, too stubborn to be able do it again. And now, I’m even more jaded.

On top of it, my body wants nothing to do with working out. It’s only been a few days geez. Instead of being cooperative, my body and muscles just turn into rubber and want to sit there.

I dunno. I don’t have a positive view of myself anymore. It’s like I’m simply existing now. No real future in the near horizon. Prospects are there but every time each foothold is reached, the fog obscures the next one.

What am I doing it all for? Why am I alive? I feel like a mere shell of my former self. Nothing excites me anymore.

Still waiting. Just watching. Like a gargoyle.

November!

Halloween is over and November is here. You know what that means? Well, I woke up late, for one, because it was so dark out. I walked out with the dogs in the dim light and I heard, smelled, and saw the leaves blowing around in the wind. You only get those sensations this time of the year…just like the sky looks like this only one time a year. Even the cloudy days in the autumn-time are gorgeous to me. Everything about Fall is great.

Is this what late middle-age will be like?

Liana was going bonker-dog yesterday. She was super excited about all the kids on our walk and also at the door. I walked them with their bumblebee and pig costumes.

I remember loving Halloween every year, and honestly, I miss living in a place where people get very excited about holidays. Around here it’s like people don’t want to appear over-the-top (I got that vibe from my patients who seemed to look down on those houses that “look like Halloween threw up all over” them. Words from my patient) for any of the holidays. The lights and few decorations that I put up were liked by many of the kids and even parents and probably only one of a small percentage. My childhood was being filled with joy and anticipation of seeing cool, spooky homes and then dreaming of being able to do the same when it was my turn to own a house. We’re talking, scary decorations, laughing motion sensing devices, strobe lights, fog machines, scarecrows that were actually people, being chased by gorillas and people with live chainsaws. Around here and in this day and age? Someone’d get the cops called on them.

Well. I still enjoy the excitement and want to pass on that thrill to others. I won’t go super tacky, but I want to decorate. Speaking of which, I’m trying to think of a different configuration for my Christmas lights this year.

Lighten up, people! Similarly, I’ve found while talking to my patients that everything around here is kept on the downlow in an attempt not to draw attention or offend anyone? Is that it? I’ve let out on occasion that I’m Catholic and more people than you realize are. It’s just that no one will disclose that. Coming from a place where people are proud of going to church and it’s a commonplace thing, it’s so weird here. I’d say our patients are probably 80% churchgoers but you wouldn’t know it. The sense of community around here is non-existent. Seriously.

Going through the newsfeed

And I see this gem. It goes hand in hand with my prior post about the fire department. I was drawn in to read it because of the polar headline, but as usual I try to look past the flagrance and read with a neutral mindset. The first thought that came to mind was this is just like firefighters. In a vastly male dominated and traditionally male field there is inherently pride and subsequent misogyny. Why? Are males, therefore, innately chauvinists? He makes the argument that women can’t possibly ever understand the sport which I can see if he’s talking about how women and men will never be able to truly understand each other, but then he tries to explain it by saying men value substance not the appearance of things…implying…what…that all women are shallow? And men are not? Wow. Just wow. That is wrong in ao many layers. All I’m going to say to that is life is not as black and white as people make it out to be. That’s why diversity is so significant because nature is about diversity.

So the bigger question is what in the world are men afraid about? That women really are capable of doing things men are? It goes both ways too. I agree and will be the first to point out that women as a whole are physically, anatomically inferior to men. That is a fact of nature. We can’t be expected and can’t expect to beat out males in that aspect. Now. As mentioned before, life isn’t black and white and even in this case there is variety and exceptions. And on top of it we can certainly try. Why not?

In the end maybe they’re afraid to see males and females as equal because they’re afraid that they’re not a special as they think they are. Fear is what breeds anger and hate after all. There are characteristics that differentiate males and females yes. But science proves time and again that they are very insignificant and that men and women are much more alike than different.

:(

Sometimes the saddest things cross my mind. I was just tucking in my boy and I always make sure to tell him he’s my good boy before I go to sleep. My mind always goes back to Tristan and how I stayed with him as he went was put down. That then translates to the inevitable time when I have to tell my boy and girl goodbye one last time. Never know exactly when that will be. I’ll never be able to stroke his fur again or kiss his head or tickle his paws or feel his Pikachu tail or watch him buck like a stallion whenever it’s time for walkies or feel his head on my leg again. I know it’s coming but man…I can prepare all I want…it won’t make it easier.

Why do I always think of these things before bed?

Speed of Fast

Some days I’m operating at the speed of slug, but today for some reason I am up and at ’em. I’ve been up since 5am. Took several self-interrupted naps until I got up a couple minutes before I was supposed to get up. Today is the day that the sealing is supposed to be done and I’m busy snooping as usual. They did arrive, exactly on time, too. There’s only one car out there, and it belongs to my neighbor one house over, which is weird because she always leaves when I walk the dogs in the morning. I hope she’s OK. They tried knocking on her door, but no answer. So, of course, I end up looking her up on White Pages because I’m nosy like that and find out she’s a radiologist, or at least a radiology tech…more likely the latter given her hours. Or really, she studied radiology and wears scrubs, so I came to that conclusion.

I’m sure my speed will disappear as soon as I get to work, whereupon I will become slug again.

My brother announced last night that he was done packing for the beach. I’m still operating out of 2 laundry baskets in my room with still more clothes in the dryer and hamper. Not doing very well. I was supposed to pay some bills, too, but got too lazy once the internet was acting up. I’ll do it tonight…I hope. This past weekend, I was supposed to find my bags to pack, but as soon as I opened the closet I found some pictures and started scanning negatives with the scanner. It works, but it takes forever (10 minutes) and I realized that it would be so much easier to just go out to Wal-Greens or something and have them do it. Not to mention I ended up breaking the little plastic thingy. -_-;; Yeah the beach packing thing will have to wait…Maybe tomorrow night. I just know, though, that the instant I start dealing with zippers, a certain striped doggie and subsequently the dark one, will be freaking out thinking something is happening.

Still have to clean things too, because I really hate coming back from a trip and into a mess.

After all of that

I went back to look at the calendar because literally no one else in the neighborhood had moved their cars and turns out the calendar the dumb HOA sent us had on today Tuesday the 22 “Move cars by 7am….TOMORROW MORNING.” WTF. If you want cars to be removed the next day, put it on the next day. Even if we were the only ones who did move the cars, the HOA is constantly threatening towing and fining if we dont comply to their demands to a T…our house in particularly keeps getting hounded by them and now we’re gunshy. The tree in the back is still splitting and yet we’ve yet to hear anything at all, though we submitted it by paper too this time. What’s the point of an HOA when it’s not working for the community but for money? I can’t think of much they’ve really done for us except complain and take pictures of minor offenses and then threatening consequences.

Ugh.

Chilling in my car before work and using my new neck pillow for the car. Very nice. It’s supposed to go along with my lumbar cushion and I shall be using it on the trip!!