Category: Uncategorized

Eep

I don’t take naps. If I do, it’s because I’m either sick, 1st day at the beach, or haven’t been getting much sleep. What happens if I do nap? I end up with a terrible headache and ridiculous, almost-real dreams, which then make me super cranky for the rest of the day. Yesterday (Saturday), I was doing the usual gaming (Phoenix Wright Spirit of Justice, 3DS) when about 2 hours in, I started feeling weird: nauseous, sleepy, and out of sorts. I aimlessly wandered around for a bit before I realized that I just did not feel well. 1:30pm came and I could not shake the feeling, so I decided to take a nap on the couch even though I was well aware of the consequences of napping. Come 5pm, Gable running down the stairs, loud thunderstorms and the phone going off (all in the span of 5 minutes), I wake up. No headache, no super realistic dreams, just groggy, and a little bit negative dream. Uh oh. That means that I must be sick. Cue the coughs, the difficulty breathing, and sneezing. On top of the ill-feeling effects, I usually dislike wasting a day of living (you can argue that gaming is wasting too, but I disagree with that wholeheartedly, or most-heartedly). The thought crossed my mind, but given how much better I was feeling (I hadn’t even eaten breakfast, really)…it was worth it.

Such dreary weather. I feel like I should be growing fungi on my body. Sigh. Great type of weather to feel depressed. Like nothing in my life is good enough.

I got a new phone! The LG G7. I’ve been on the series of LG Gs and I’m not stopping now! T-Mobile is trying to slowly and not-so-sneakily get rid of the old Jump! On Demand people, but I’ll keep riding it until they ditch me altogether.

Hmm. I’m looking exceptionally tan wearing this tie-dye, in the light of the cloudy morning, my quilt and the light from my laptop.

I’m feeling the creative push again, and I’m my mind I’ve been forming, wondering, planning what my next project will be. Should I go for the Fire Emblem I’ve always wanted to do? Actually fix/finish the Samus one? Go for Link? State of Decay would be really easy to cosplay. Or do I want to go for making a figurine? Well whatever it is, it needs to be affordable because I literally have no money to spend on anything extraneous. I’m already stressing over the fact that Liana has a check-up due in the next 2 weeks and that Gable might have to come in for another UTI check.

I keep saying, thinking, and telling myself that it’ll all be solved once the other house sells, but I’m terrified I won’t be able to sell it as easily as I keep thinking. It really is one of the smallest houses in the neighborhood, and no interior upgrades to the flooring. Little things that cause me anxiety.

Oh man….

Advertisements

I just spent the last 10 minutes of yesterday morning and the last 20 minutes now trying to figure out why my music player (Music Bee) wasn’t working. It would play the music but I wouldn’t hear anything. It wasn’t the computer sound, I hadn’t muted it by accident. I went to the online forum for help, no one has had an issue, none of the preferences were messed up. Turns out…I had managed to bring the entire volume bar all the way down to zero. That’s it. Guh.

At least I figured it out.

The last few days, I’ve had horrible sleep. Even with it continuing to be dreary, I can’t sleep well and I’m not sure why.

My body is getting stronger, still! More capable. Since forever, my one real physical goal for my body has been to be able to easily support my own weight. As that weight has increased over the years, that goal has become harder and harder. I’m making headway now, although my belly is still big as I continue to eat too much.

I read an article on how there’s a revolution in China regarding a couple of women (a country where men outnumber women still) who are 30 and are still single and struggle to have their families accept that they can be 30, single, and happy. Then i read that 2017 saw that the US birth rate has sunk. Yet again. Looks like I am a statistic. I’ve mentioned before to my friends that these days, those who should and are best suited to have children, aren’t, while those who have no business whatsoever having kids, are and having lots of them. That bodes well for the future, does it not? What makes someone suitable and not? Suitable: the right mindset/philosophy for raising kids, a good, responsible income to care for the child (doesn’t have to be rich, but not living in poverty either), not raising a trophy child (has a kid, but doesn’t have the time nor patience to raise, so passes the kids off to other people to do it for them and just takes the credit for having a child), doesn’t want kids just because someone told them to but thought about the decision carefully. Has no business having kids: can’t afford them, hands down, doesn’t want them at all but didn’t think about the procreation powers of sex, wants lots of kids to get money from the government and then goes off and spends the money on other crap, abusive people, no time whatsoever devoted to children.

Why did you have kids if you didn’t plan it? Having kids because it’s expected of you, because it’s a fad, because someone told you you should, are not good reasons. You need to want them, to care for them, provide for them (everything falls under “care”). Not to say that parenting is easy and that there’s a magic manual to doing it, but that is a human, a life, that you are bringing into this world. As the age old argument goes: “I didn’t ask to be born!!” That child will grow up and make a mark (or a stain?) on this world, and then continue that cycle. Everything that’s wrong with the world can be traced back to parenting. Well. Nothing’s ever absolute, so close to everything. Like, 98%. It is VERY possible to love your kid too much. It is a disservice to the child. Just like a dog. We all just love spoiled kids, don’t we? How many times have I seen this at work? Having dogs has made me understand so much about love and what it takes (too much or too little) to understand them, work with them and ultimately shape them.

Discipline is not about always berating or putting someone/something down all the time. Discipline is setting boundaries, teaching what’s expected and what is not tolerated. Discipline can not exist without communication. Discipline can only work best when personalities and variability are taken into consideration. And discipline is to be paired with fun too. After the boundaries are set, discipline is not always in effect, only when it needs to be. Not harshly either, to break the spirit, but to guide.

When did it become too “mean” to guide kids? Do you like being controlled by your own children? What about the dogs? Why is a dog chewing up things, barking excessively, chewing on you, running away, or otherwise out of control considered cute?

1 year and brain death

I’ve taken to reading these reddit accounts about things online. It is and was very interesting to hear people’s experiences about things. I’ve liked them forever…essentially that’s what Chicken Soup for the Soul was. I used to have books upon books upon books of those. However, those books were edited for content and they always had a moral of sorts. They touched the heart. These online stories are also edited for readability, but as I’ve found recently, they’re drivel. Some are good, but some are just stupid and written by stupid people if you stop and think about it. I was reading some this morning and realized that this is more than likely why my brain is going to Jello. It’s just gossip. Gossip and scandal and why the HELL am I so addicted to them when they add nothing to my life. My brain isn’t filled with information, philosophical and analytical thoughts, but drivel and muck. This all came about when I woke up early, read me the most recent list of “Most surprising thing a friend ever did” which mostly revolved around sex acts, walked the dogs and then started the bathroom routine with my library book. After reading the enthralling story and having to tear myself away from it, the plot swirling in my head and making me wonder and think, I found myself not wanting at all to go back to dumb reddit accounts about things. That if I did, the balloon of my mind would just deflate into the flat piece of rubber it has become once more.

Unbelievable what I’ve become. I want to change it so badly, but what’s stopping me? My embarrassing home situation? I want to find a good friend and do something, but I really am embarrassed about my home life. There’s no way out right now. It’s craze-inducing. I wish the weather would cooperate more.

Dammit I’m out of time. I wanted to take the opportunity to address the fact that a few days ago was the 1 year anniversary of my break-up and how I am doing in that regard. I woke up this morning ruminating on the fact that people are constantly underestimating me, not that it matters to me in a deep level, but because it’s such a common occurrence and I was wondering why that is. Then I was reminded about how these guys like G and my ex spent all the time they’ve known me thinking I was 4-6 years their junior when I was in fact older than and only 2 years their junior, respectively. Then my ex, after all the time we’d been together, only realized at the end that I had a B.S degree. He thought I just had a certificate or something that I had no educational authority. See? He knew absolutely nothing and never cared to know anything…only placing me in his perfect (read, as-seen-on-anime) idea of how a woman is and all are. My age and academic history apparently were huge turnoffs, but none more than when I started muscling up and being more physically fit. Looking back on it all, I was an utter fool. How did we last 2 years? I wanted to make it work so badly…SO badly…and he just kind of wanted a thing to call a girlfriend even if he was embarrassed to be seen with me. Every so often it comes to my mind my own transgressions during the relationship, and I do feel badly for that, but then I remember the other stuff and become thankful I dodged a bullet. I’m not ungrateful for the experience, as I believe it necessary for my growth and for his, but it’s still something painful, to some degree, to think about. In fact, since I am unfortunately Fbook friends with his mom, I saw his name pop up last night in something she was tagged in and a panic/pain/sadness welled up instantly in me, so much so I shut off my phone when I saw it. Such a childish reaction! Maybe that rawness never goes away, never grows a callus. I can talk about him and our past fine. I can look at pictures and be okay with it because, well, it is my history and it is what happened. Nothing will erase that. But I guess I need to be prepared for it…I was taken by surprise last night.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen, how I would react if I saw him in person somewhere. If I needed the help of the fire dept and he was there. I dunno. I’d be professional about it but that underlying emotion.

Is there a future for me and a relationship? Maybe a family? Patients ask me that. Nosy patients. My answer remains the same as even before I started the online search: if it happens, that’s cool. If not, I’m OK with that. And it’s the God-honest truth. I am currently noy actively searching. I think about it, but I keep putting these holds on it. Yes, when I see couples having fun, relationships working out, I can become wistful and possibly envious but then I remember what it takes to be in a relationship and even scarier: what I become when I’m in one.

Or maybe that was the indication something was wrong to begin with: becoming someone else. Making significant concessions to who I was just to please.

I repeat that I don’t regret the experience one bit. Being new to a serious relationship is quite an experience and one that must be experienced. Now that I know and have passed that baptism I’m confident that the future will be less risky, less naive…though possibly more critical. The virgin effervescence is gone and done.

Sigh.

1 year! I made it. Seemed like forever ago though.

Now on to more pressing mattets: like Gable’s dental health and their lack of desire to eat.

Why

I love activewear stuff because I actually like (contrary to popular thought) to be active. However, it is MUY difficult to find clothes, especially activewear, that it not slim fit. It’s harder for me given that my shoulders, arms and bust are larger, my back is short, and my hips/butt are large too. Not to mention the big band of belly fat and original lack of waist to begin with and there you have it. A very awkward body shape indeed. Pants are awful too owing to massive cankles and huge thighs on small feet. Put it all together with the skinny pants fad and I can’t find clothes to wear.

How depressing.

Games, anger, fear, happiness!

Didn’t even finish Ni No Kuni II yet, but here I am, onto Dynasty Warriors 9. There’s just something about learning history and being actively involved in playing through the events of it. That’s why I love Assassin’s Creed. There are research, details, and care in making games like that. The best part about DW9? Adding the Chinese dubs. What better way to immerse yourself in Chinese History than to hear it in Chinese?

There’s an ongoing debate on language dubs. Everyone’s always quick to criticize the English dubs, but my question is: why is it that we prefer the other languages? Do we even give the English a chance? I agree that some of them are just awful, but most of them are pretty good and at least you don’t always know what a voice sounds like just based on the character’s appearance and stereotypical “classification,” if you will, that’s so prevalent in Japanese games and anime. I feel like maybe as a fluent English speaker, myself, I prefer a non-English one because some of the voices and words sound cheesy to me and that i DO understand what they’re saying. There’s something more calming about not fully understanding what is being said…for instance, I am technically bilingual, but truly fluent only in English. I do listen to a lot of non-English music, though, and prefer it if I’m trying to focus and remain calm. I’d deduced over the years that I can study with non-English music over English lyrics merely because I don’t fully understand it without having to focus and listen to it. Kind of like reading a book: I don’t like movies too much because the movie is telling you what to think, feel, see and hear. I LOVE books because it’s telling you what’s happening, but you’re supplying the rest. Video games are the mid range typically, where it’s telling you what to see, mostly what to hear (some games are all text so it’s up to you), and feel, but you’re supplying the action and, in many instances now, the choices.

I really REALLY dislike the one priest at church. His obnoxious personality and overall righteousness is so overwhelmingly unpleasant. The doom and gloom, fire and brimstone messages he gives are absolutely ridiculous too. You want people come, right? Not leave? This is probably the type of priest that were common in the Middle Ages and such (I mean, types of people remain constant in history, so I’m not sure why I’m thinking every person was a certain way) sparking events to occur. Why does this diocese insist on creating these types of clergy? I prefer the older batch of priests who preached in a calm, loving manner, akin to that of a stern teacher. That’s how I imagine Jesus was, and isn’t that what priests are supposed to aspire to? To be like Jesus? A shepherd? That’s why they’re called pastors. The face of love in a world of fear and ignorance? I can understand for people and I get that we get that same message he was trying to deliver every year (I’ve been doing this my whole life, here), but there are ways to say it that aren’t so inciting. In the end people didn’t care and ended up still doing what he half-jokingly condemned us to Hell for. And, for the record, when anyone addresses me like I am a naïve child, you’ve already lost me. I was SO MAD sitting through that 45 minute tirade. I thought about just going to sit in the car and wait for my mom, but I had to remind myself that I’m not there for the priest or any priests. I’m there for my own soul.

Sunday was more gaming. Oh, Saturday saw a park run! I have no idea where all these people around here came from, but I always try to go to the park early before anyone can get there…except that these days others all have the same idea. It was very muddy, the water was choppy and rapid and high. The bluebells!!! I was afraid I’d missed them, but they were everywhere, blanketing the forest floor. So happy I got to see them this year. I’m also rather proud of my physical progress (even if my belly is still impossible to lose) which was put to the test as I tried to climb back up the overly muddy slope. Trying to avoid a repeat of last year where I fell and had a panicky time trying to gain any traction at all (without any dog help of course), I was able to utilize the trees there–one handed!!! as I have dogs in the other hand–and basically pull myself up with speed before my 1 second foot balance was up. There is NO traction on mud. See? There are some uses for having upper body muscles. Even if my clothes don’t fit well anymore.

It’s depressing that all the clothes that were “too big” when I first bought them and saved them for home comfort and “fat days” are now perfectly sized. Sigh.

The dryer gave me a panic yesterday as I was convinced it was already broken and not working properly. Then a little bit of testing and bam, it starts working again. I DID buy the protection plan, thank goodness, but man. It’s terrifying!! Also, a bee got into the house yesterday and I have no idea what I’d do if I was living in my own house and a bee got in. Like really. I might have to call someone to come over. I am PHOBIC of those things. Like, adrenaline rush, screaming, hiding, sweating, the works. I like to think I’d be able to step it up and deal with it if need be, but I might get a heart attack.

The absolute best thing that happened to me this weekend was GOING TO THE LIBRARY. Yes. It finally happened. Over a year since the last time I was there. I got 3 books and I feel GREAT. Sooooo excited to be able to read before bed now. I squeezed in one chapter last night. Mondays are always crazy for me, since I’m cooking, cleaning, attempting to feed the dogs, recycle, trash, cleaning up the dog’s mess in the living room, and all the laundry I put off until then. I got into bed after 11 which is past my bedtime! It had to be done, though. Reading. SOOOOOOO excited and happy to have a book.

Monday Night

What a day! Busy all morning with the cable install switch over at my grandparent’s house, then errands and finally home, then just 2 hours to relax before dinner, the usual Monday night trash/recycle/cleaning, quick run out to buy dog food, and here I am.

I got my Sleep Walking Cam today and tried it out. Tonight is the first test! Why in the world does everything that seems decent on Amazon end up being from China? The cheaper price is nice, but the possibility of Chinese spying, the not-so-perfect grammar, etc is just iffy. I never know when it’s Chinese or not. I try to buy things made here in the US, but I guess that’s the nature of buying online. They do a decent job of covering that important detail up. Or maybe I just need to pay more attention when I buy something. Seems decent enough, though. Interested to see what I’m gonna see tomorrow morning.

Remember that one guy I keep remaining friends with but I keep saying makes me mad all the time when I talk to him for too long? I sent him a link to a “30 couples that make you cringe” as a bit of a joke, but of course we don’t see eye to eye on it again. They’re pictures of couples that are so cheesy it’s cringeworthy, but he’s all like, but some of those are sweet! You can tell quite a bit about a person from what they consider funny and what they don’t. That’s a fantastic compatibility test there, too. Then again, he’s never been in a relationship and I have. When I was in his shoes I would’ve thought the same thing too, but coming out of one, yeah. Those are definitely young, new passionate, blooming relationship stuff. Then again the people in the pics are also in their teens and early 20s so there you go. Don’t wanna start an argument with him. Oh man he makes me irritated sometimes.

Hmm…maybe I should send that link to more people to give them a gist of my humor/cringe-material.

Speaking of which, remember when I went ahead and switched all of my profile pictures on that dating site to that of me and my current boy hair? No takers. At all. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Totally called it, didn’t I? Definitely not on a Catholic dating site. Even the others I remember having to choose the “girly” pictures because no one would send me messages and those that did were just desperate, didn’t care because I have curves and want a good night’s fun, or were just weird. beh. Don’t care. At this point, I’m telling you, no one would be interested. Or like my ex, don’t think they care, but they end up do caring after all because that honeymoon phase is over and start worrying about what they other guys might think or what their family will think, etc. And no, you can’t change my mind. I don’t care. My co-worker is like this now with her fiancé. Before him, she loved short hair, not as short as mine, but short. And now, she told me, wistfully, she can’t do that anymore. I remember making a face, shaking my head and said, psshh. Hey, when you’re desperate to get married and start a family, I guess you’ll do anything.

I’m already intimidating enough to people in general, but I’m particularly intimidating to men. The hair is only one part of it. Most of them can’t stand a powerful personality.

I give up. I don’t care.

My muscles are really hurting me and achy after yesterday. How in the world big men become plumbers is beyond me. That wasn’t even that tight of a space!

Yow! Past 11pm! Gotta work tomorrow and they’re calling for snow! So glad I’m getting paid this week…only to use all of it on soul crushing bills. Whoo!!!

 

Gripe Time

!!

Griping is so much fun!

I’m a fan of relationship advice (who really isn’t?) because in my life I want to make the relationships work. On top of it, I’m interested to see what experiences other people have or have had. Nosey, much? I’m thankful to have had 2 under my belt, basically information to move forward with, and not only that, but relationships of those I love to compare to and use as well. That’s the beauty of the internet: information from outside of my circle. In cyber as well as real life relations of experience, you always, always, have to remember that this is only one side of the story, that it’s taken out of context, just a snapshot of someone’s–purported–experience. Because as we all know, if it’s on the internet, it must be true! And one side of the story is enough to go on! It’s just that typically, face to face is easier to read subtle clues in body language and tone.

Anyways, I was reading this morning (I believe these are all Reddit stories) an article on people who got married and realized that it was a living hell. Many of them seemed similar: Party 1 dates Party 2 and thinks 2 is the match for them, ignoring little red flags and chalking them up to this and that. Then it dissolves almost instantaneously. Many of the contributors were in startlingly abusive relationships. For some it came out of the blue. Some of them I could relate to, some were just plain ridiculous. Internet writing doesn’t have body language or audible tone, but voice is very powerful and akin to body language. Relating to known instances and personal ones, I felt guilty with one story because I think I was doing something similar in my most recent relationship, but then it made me mad because the male relating the story had the same mindset as my ex. Well, maybe not mad as mad/sad. One sounded distinctly Asian, and not totally because it said “Asian” in there at one point. Over half of them dealt with military and had the same problem in both, but that’s the next gripe I’m going to cover in a little bit. So, aside from the relatability of the stories, I have to sit there and remind myself that this is ONLY one side of the story. Here, the author is making their ex out to be this monster. In real life, who is the real monster? Just talk to divorce lawyers to know how divorce brings out the evil in people. What a terrible job! Police, too. He said, she said. And in the end, 90% of the time it is a problem shared pretty much equally. Relationships take 2 to come together, and it takes 2 to keep it going and subsequently 2 to fail. Sometimes 3. Or 4. Or more.

Even in my own life involving my parents, I was there, I know what happened. While my dad was the primary aggressor, I know my mom was responsible for part of what happened. In their case it was more 70/30 split. I saw my mom trying, I saw what he did, how others influenced him, his physical reactions. From what my mom told us from the beginning of their relationship (they dated for a very short time) it was all red flags from the start and it was red all the way after the marriage. IN my own, personal, memory I loved my dad up to about when kids start to really understand right and wrong (6-8ish) and then it was over for me and that eternal resentment and hatred started when I was 11. I think we all could tell the moment at which is all dissolved. He was a powder keg always ready to explode. Always. I hated going anywhere with him because you knew he was going to blow up soon. Waiting for it. Yesterday she told me of yet another instance where a different man hated my dad. He would always poke fun at my dad when they met and would constantly ask my mom why they were still together. He’d seen it fromt he very beginning. See? Red flags everywhere. Even in my own, there were red flags from the beginning, but I was too blind to see it myself…by the time I did, it was too late to soften the blow, but I didn’t marry him, although at first I wanted to. That raging battle of mind and heart existed in me from the very start.

Bottom line here: relationships, like everything in life, have 2 sides to them. 3, if you count Truth. His, hers, and the truth. Don’t ever believe just one side. I’ve always known this and tried so hard to employ this knowledge in my relationship, to defuse arguments and to help understand his predicament, but all that ended up happening was it created a distance between us. I should have known at the first instance of that approach causing a rift that he was all wrong. If he wanted to make it work, then he would have employed it too instead of thinking everything I said was a jibe at how inept he was and that I was mocking him.

Other gripe time. So half of those accounts involved military and the problem typically stemmed from the needs of the soldier over anything else. I’ve seen it many times on show like Cops or Live PD, or even just internet reasoning (hah!) and arguments. This may come across as extremely offensive to some, but it also originates from my last relationship: for some reason, jobs like military, fire/rescue, and police elevate the people employed in the job. Yes, indeed, laying your life on the line in order to fulfill the job duties is completely admirable. If I had been born a male, I would DEFINITELY have been military or police or both! It deserves respect. However, it does NOT entitle you above everyone else. How many times has the argument been said: I risked my life for my country, so_____ (fill in the blank), or, you never risked your life for your country, I did! While I agree that veteran assistance programs are entirely lacking and that there is true difficulty re-adjusting to civilian life, the status doesn’t place you above the law or give you the authority to look down on others. Same with police and fire. No, you’re not in it for the money, you enjoy being in service to the community, and it IS indeed stressful, but it’s not a status just so you can flaunt it around and get a big head. You KNEW going into it of you OWN volition, that your life is at risk every day. Fire being the least dangerous of the 3. If that were a concern, they wouldn’t have gone into the field to begin with. In fact, they probably enjoy the thrill.

My ex used to use things like that on me, how much more important his job was to him than me. I hung around because I knew that his future was on the line and I wanted to give him the support he needed to accomplish the goal. I wanted him to be happy, that’s all I ever wanted. But he’d been using that kind of self-importance jab even with his fuel-hauling job, though less than with the fire. I wonder now, what would have happened if I decided to cut ties with him. He had given me an ultimatum, to either cut ties with him before he started his fire Academy or wait until it was over because  he didn’t need any baggage that would thwart his concentration. I should’ve done it right away because obviously he didn’t care at all about us as a couple. Then he’d often tell me about how this guy and that guy broke up their relationships with their gf’s because of the fire thing. Were they hints? I stuck it through because it sounded like he needed my support and I didn’t want him to fail. He kept promising that afterwards we can do things that we can take trips and that he’d have time for me. Right after he graduated he was so happy and spoke of future plans, and then, it sunk right back down, even worse than before. Empty promises that he never remembered even making. He didn’t need me at all because he had the job of his dreams and was eagerly following the ideas and leadership of his station team. He was a chameleon. Always had been. Hiding his own feelings, ideas and emotions deep within and putting out a skin. I cherish the days that I truly believe I got to see his true, happy self. They were short lived, but he was not only in love with me but with life. He’d told me often in the beginning that I pulled him out of a very dark place and that he was forever grateful. Depression is powerful enemy.

I’ll never be able to and refuse to look at the fire, police and military jobs with the utmost admiration ever again. I respect them, I do, because I always say that I would’ve done them all if I was male from birth, but the more intimate knowledge I have at the inner workings, as I lower them from their pedestal, I see the politics, the mindsets…the humanity…of them. Around here, every other person is military, while everyone else is a doctor or a lawyer. There are great people, there are nasty people. I don’t care who you are: do not entitle yourself above others because you’re not that exceptional. Just because you chose a “dangerous” job and I didn’t doesn’t mean I’ll give you preferential treatment. Heck, I could die in my commute any day now or become the victim of an insane patient. I respect you and I support your position, just like I respect and support the patients in my chair, the guy behind me in line, or the ones I love.

GRIPE OVER.