If I was a Man

Aside from my brother constantly telling me I’m half man, that I really do feel like I had a male twin that died in utero and therefore I absorbed some of his testosterone, that I’m really not particularly feminine in many ways, I really am female. I don’t know if it’s just the way my brain operates where I feel like everything is so amazingly interesting when others don’t want to think a certain way or feel like those certain types of thoughts are “weird” or “strange” or “why-do-you-think-like-that,” but I think about stuff like, would it be like if I were male instead of female? Not in the sense that I wish I was or not, just a what-if. Similarly my brain will think of things like, of all the people and life forms that exist on this planet, I am me. Why? I could have been a bee, or my neighbor, or that idiot I just honked at, but I’m me! That’s just cool! Or, what’s the point of life? Why do we run this rat race? What’s it all for? What does it matter if I have a lot of money or become rich and famous, or even if I decide I want to be a druggie? Why do we even exist? Or about paranormal phenomena, or about how the body works, etc. Just, purely for understanding’s sake.

Others find it all too deep, too thinky, too…strange. Bothersome. I haven’t found a single person with whom I can talk about things like this to and have them one, not run away screaming, two, actually listen to me without zoning out, and three (the most important) actually understand what I’m saying and think one the same plane. My mom is probably the closest, but she doesn’t think on the level I do. It’s something I’ve come to accept: that I don’t think like others do or vice versa. Nothing that I look down on people or in any direction at all, just that’s how it is.

Haha…honestly it’s all rather cumbersome, this style of thought. It drives more people away than to me. Too many times have others been offended by what I say even though I don’t mean anything judgmental. I like to think that my thoughts are realistic. Then again…words don’t mean the same thing to me as other people either. Take the word “realistic” for example: what does that mean to you? What does the word “real” mean? Typically, my understanding of a word — or my thinking, really — is what I describe as round. Not linear, round. Encompassing. Whole. A globe. My thought process is indeed, round, if you were to give it a shape. Realistic can mean, pragmatic, down to earth, right? But it also means true. In my sense, I feel that my thoughts are realistic because they are true, they are exactly what I feel.

When I was in college, I had a friend who was struggling in a class. I asked her if she needed help, because I could help her. She was offended because for some reason she didn’t want MY help, seeing as maybe her intelligence should be equal to or greater than my own? I may not have gotten the chance to go to schools on par with my true academic abilities, and I may not flaunt it either, but I am a good student. I’ve always been a good student. That’s why I have always been at the very top of my classes. LET ME HELP YOU. If anyone tells you that, your first reaction is what? To be offended. Why are you boasting and rubbing that in my face, do you think I’m dumb or not smart?  I have never understood that mindset. If I don’t know something, I have ZERO issues admitting that I don’t know, because, well, I don’t know! Teach me! Why must people pretend to know things they don’t? Pride? To what end? And similarly, if I know something, then I know it. I’m NOT BOASTING. I’m merely telling you a truth. I know my strengths. I know my weaknesses. Let me help! Needless to say, she didn’t let me help. Oh well. I tried.

It’s interesting whenever I admit my academic achievements. Not to anyone either, just to myself. It’s always been something I keep within me because I know how it makes others feel. I’m no genius. I had a personal encounter with a genius and there are EXTREMELY intelligent people out there. I consider myself above average intelligence, with a unique brain. Really and truly, if I were to pat myself on the back, I really have always been top of my class. I kept all of my report cards. In my senior year in HS, when I found out that I was tippity top percentage of my class (my orchestra 1st period teacher was super proud, my friend was mad jealous, and I was very embarrassed) I purposefully slacked off so that I wouldn’t be either valedictorian or salutatorian. It worked. They asked me repeatedly in middle school to attend governor’s school for the gifted mind. I repeatedly declined, much the fury of my father. I was one of 2 students in college that made it as a junior into Phi Beta Kappa. Never graduated from there. I never had a choice as to what college to go to, so I don’t and won’t ever know the full extent of my abilities. Same in my career. Life hurdles made it impossible to realize my full potential. BUT HERE’S THE THING: it goes back to when I said towards the beginning that my mind likes to think about deep questions: what’s the point? Whether I land a successful, high end, high paying, high tier, high respect job, what’s the trade off? I’ve had barriers to my potential my whole life. Like I was never destined for it. Now that those shackles are gone and I’m in an extremely favorable place and position to achieve any dreams like that I desire, I find that I…don’t really care to. Why? Why should I?

I wonder, sometimes, what it would have been like to have made that decision to go to governor’s school. To choose the best college. To shoot and aim high, to hit my target. Those people have lives, responsibilities, bills, woes, happiness, just like anyone else. And they’ll die just like everyone else too. The same percentage and capacity of debt, just in a different life tier. More cushy, a loftier view. Farther to fall. More blindness. And much more effort to keep your balance the higher you go. Mortality remains the same.

Wow. I am super duper sleepy.

Heh. Will I ever find someone who can think the round way I do? I can’t even describe that roundness properly. Eh, that doesn’t matter either, does it? Nothing does. I’m just too weird, too cuckoo anyways. Does any of this post even make sense of follow a logical path? Beh.

Oh, and as Valentine’s Day approaches this single lady, the answer to my question a few years ago: my significant other can NOT be a non-thinker. I need someone with a decent head between their shoulders. Basically, it’ll be impossible to find anyone who can tolerate this insanity I call my mind. What a joke it all is.

Good night.

OH yeah. The whole reason I wanted to write a post was to show this image: I found a quiz online that would take pictures of you and show you what you’d look like as the opposite sex. It was pretty neato and fun. Even if some of them didn’t even change the original picture for the result. Sometimes I make a nice looking guy, lol. Also, I was trying to figure out how it worked. Either they just pull from a big library of pictures and meld them together, or they just masculinize it by thickening and straightening eyebrows, pull down and square the jaw, make the nose bigger, add a little facial hair, bigger forehead. They look all so different though, that’s why I thought they just pulled on a library of male faces.

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Friday now

This week has progressed rather swiftly. Not complaining about that. I was supposed to work out last night, but didn’t because I’m lazy. MUST. DO. TONIGHT. I really really really must keep up with things! This weekend…not much planned. Cat feeding for a friend. And hopefully getting on the RW bandwagon here. I don’t feel funny at all of late. No inspiration at all, even given that I’ve been playing different games. Doesn’t matter if I feel funny at all, I just need to do something. Overall my laziness knows no bounds and I can’t keep doing that! Actually, yes I can. I can do whatever I want.

My mom is sick again, and unfortunately for me, I think I’m catching whatever she has, which means I’m sick again too. Why. I was JUST sick. More reason to get back on the workout train. I actually was able to sleep last night overall which is better than it has been the last few days. Does anyone else wake up to a tune? It’s like my dreams get background music. My crazy theories abound again with the sleeping bit. Getting negative waves from the paternal front and it’s affecting my sleep tremendously. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that it’s petering out and that the beginning of the week was spent with bad dreams and fitful sleep.

In the same vein, my coworker is no longer weirded out by it, nor are my other coworkers but others still give me that “you’re crazy” look when I mention things like, “I can feel when there’s major anxiety in the office.” I can though, and honestly I’m more weirded out that others can’t detect it because to me it feels normal to be able to do that. It sits in my stomach area and the lower chest. That’s how I can tell a truly anxious patient from a fake/self-induced anxiety patient. I don’t even have to be face to face with a person to feel it. There are several instances where I’ll call it before I bring a patient back because I can tell there’s someone freaking out in the waiting room. Yesterday was the latest occurrence where I brought back a particular patient once I moved my previous patient over to wait for a filling. I was about 10 minutes behind, but that’s not overly unusual in the office. However, during the course of the cleaning I became increasingly rushed, like, OMG I need to get this done FAST AND NOW. He himself is a naturally nervous patient (this week and last week have been full of these anxiety ridden folk…they always all seem to come at the same intervals) so I was trying to manage that and him by staying and exuding as much calm as possible, but I just could not shake the increasing demand to rush. I seriously thought that my appointment was taking so long that I was 15 minutes behind!! Rush job, didn’t even take xrays, got up to get an exam, made my new tray, almost brought it into room before remembering I’m still waiting on an exam, so I had to take it back, and then…I finally looked at my watch. I wasn’t late at all. I was 20 minutes early despite taking my patient back late!! It was then I found out what was going on and it all made sense: one of the doctors was very VERY behind because something went wrong with his appointment. Almost an hour behind. My prior patient had to leave and rescheduled her appointment, unable to wait for the filling, and the other doctor had to step in and help with exams. Makes SO much sense now. The rush-anxiety I was sensing was a mixture of my prior patient and my late-doc, but mostly my late doctor. He’s almost never behind schedule.

It’s useful to feel anxieties like that because I sense it before something bad happens, but it’s also very draining and I always feel like I’ve been sucked dry of energy by the time the anxiety-filled days are done. Just like yesterday. I got home and just didn’t have the spirit energy to get up and work out even though physically, my body was like, let’s GET IT ON!! C’MON!!!

I’ve yet to put a name on these sensory abilities. They’ve been extremely useful to me throughout my life because it allows me to read people and situations. I’ve had people ask me if I’m psychic. I can’t tell the future per se…I just get feelings, gut reactions that hint at what it could be. I can usually tell, if I’m at the height of sensing that day, if there’s a police car nearby looking for speeders…and I’m usually right. Some days are better than others, though. If my mind is clouded, then it’s hard. The best example of cloudiness was when I was in a serious relationship. I couldn’t read anything or anyone most of the time because my mind and soul were focused 95% on another person. When I’m sick, it’s messed up too.

Put the aura sensing, body language reading, and tonal analysis together and you have, Ta-DAAAA! I just judged you. My success rate is rather high too. In fact, if I can get you in my dental chair, I can usually tell quite a bit about you in a short amount of time. The harder person you are to crack, the more time and more visits I need. I’ve used and offered the service to coworkers and their significant others. One coworker refuses to let me delve in because it can be scary to know the real person underneath a mask. I use the same techniques when dealing with dogs. You read their energy/auras and body language. The very important flipside to detection, is how I react to it. Using the information to my advantage, and therefore, controlling my own aura. If I have an anxiety ridden person, I’m not going to counter it with anxiety, I  need to counter it with calm. If I can exude enough of it, the person will be lulled and anxiety decreased.

I’ve tried that technique in the car too, it does work sometimes if they’re being receptive. That’s another thing: if the other person is not receptive voluntarily or involuntarily, then it doesn’t work to control the situation.

I’m crazy, yes.

Back to it

3 day week, this week, with no word of makeup day as of yet…but I know it’s coming because work on Friday was a DISASTER. One power outage right after my first patient, and then sitting around for a bit, and then it came back one for about 30 minutes before yet AGAIN it goes out. I swore up and down that it’d come right back one, but it didn’t for over 2 hours. By then the day was pretty much gone with no real hope of it coming back. The doctors were improvising to finish their procedures in the dark with no power, while we just all sat around being paid to do absolutely nothing and make no money whatsoever. By the time they sent everyone home, the power came back on and I was the only one left just in case it did come back. So I managed to see 2 more patients before we truly called it a day. Sounds like an easy time, but I couldn’t believe how tired I was afterwards, like I was super stressed out the whole time, which I probably was. 4 hours of patients completely lost. My bosses were stressed, but he is always better than her who just about lost it. I mean, what can you do? It’s not something you can be warned about or know about! You just deal with what it is.

Before I left, I spent time talking to her about how I’ve been tossing around the idea of going back to dental school, given the inevitable sale of my house. She and I have zero doubt of my ability and getting through it is not the problem. Inconveniences before in preparation, hurdles during, but it’s the after I’m very afraid of. The sale of my house will help smooth over any finance issues, but I would still apply for student loans nonetheless. The real issue is that being a dentist or any doctor like that is a major commitment, and one that I would be 100% “STUCK” with forever after that. Gone would be my carefree days of no responsibility. Days like the power outage day will cause me undue stress like it causes her instead of my “whatever” mindset as not-the-boss. I’m sick? It’s ok, don’t come in. Vacation? Go for it. Terrible patient? Not my problem after I’m done with the cleaning. Dog is sick? You’re fine, go deal with it. The practice hasn’t ground to a halt yet.

The reality is that once again, of course, of COURSE, I could handle it all, and especially now having practiced in the field for a good amount of time, I know some of the tricks and what to expect and I wouldn’t go in with this idealistic mindset of being a glamorous and cool dentist because I understand the reality of life and the ins and outs of it all. I’d be mentally and physically more prepared than any of my peers unless they had the same experiences. HOWEVER….however….my heart is not there. In this moment in time, that is the absolutely best time to ever accomplish a goal such as this, I just don’t want it enough. I DO NOT WANT IT 100%. I’m cool with the idea 30% even maybe 50%, but I am not at all committed. The mediocre current could sweep my feet out from under me and I’d run and hide under my rock. It’s just that given the perfect storm, if I didn’t choose it now, I’d be hard pressed to find another opportunity in my life to do it again. It would solve financial issues, it would solve relatives’ expectation issues, it would solve society-and peer-influenced-expectation and goal issues, it would more than likely solve future-mate-relationship issues (I tend to attract the males around me if I hang out around them long enough), it would allow me the opportunity to do dental school the correct way unlike the experience I had in hygiene school.

I…I still don’t want it right now. I just don’t. I like being carefree. I make a very decent amount of money now even not working anywhere near full time.

Wow look at the time!!!

Cute doggies

I had one of those moments where I was sitting with my girl and she fell asleep with her legs tucked under my arm, so I felt like I couldn’t move at all because then she’d wake up and that would be sacrilegious. SO ADORABLE. That ended up cutting my exercise hours tonight, but I’m glad I was able to squeeze a little bit in anyways. Every little bit counts. No way in the world I’m going to be able to lose this gut or even tighten it up by Christmas Day. Oh well.

Coworker S was busy telling people again about how she just wants her bf to propose to her. She let slip today while talking to me that she had, in fact, been engaged once before years ago. Obviously that didn’t work out and I didn’t press, but to me that only explains why this is even MORE important to her than I originally realized.

My doc was talking to a male patient about how he’s actually a homebody that doesn’t actually want to do anything besides lay on the couch, but his wife (my other doc) always wants to do something, so he does do things for his kids sakes. The patient said, yeah, he’s the same way, and when he was married his wife always pressured him into doing things he didn’t want, but now that he isn’t married, he’s lonely. It gave me insight into the male mind a bit. Not all males, of course, but I feel that’s a bit of what’s going on in Corworker S’s relationship…she’s told me pretty much everything that has happened since they started dating which is soon after she started working here, and there is a common theme of her wanting him to do something that he doesn’t really want to do, then she gets upset and he gets upset that she’s unhappy and ends up doing it for her even if he doesn’t want to. In fact, I feel (like Coworker B) that he doesn’t really want to be engaged or get married yet or at all, and it’s yet another pressure from her and expectation. It was the same with renting the house that they are right now. He clearly didn’t want to, but she once, again, pressured him into it. I don’t even think he wanted to do their Iceland trip, which might explain why when I asked him about it he was like, eh, it was fun. He always answers what he thinks you want to hear, so it’s hard to tell what he really wants. He’s a people pleaser. I knew that the very instant I cleaned his teeth the first time. I keep saying I read people, but everyone keeps thinking I’m just boasting about stuff. No, really. I can read a person if I really want to. It comes very naturally to me. I think it’s bad if they’ve argued about the whole engagement thing.

My own relationship was very similar in that he kept telling me that I was always putting too much pressure on him and he doesn’t like pressure. Pressure to talk about the future, to spend time with him, to do things with him even though he was “so busy” and just wanted to be in his dark vampire cave and just play games, watch anime and sleep. I don’t think I was asking very much, but maybe I was.

Maybe all these men are just super boring. My brother never actually wants to do much. Then again, I’m not the most exciting person ever, I just like trying new things and doing fun stuff. I LOVE staying home and playing games and sleeping, but I’d like to experience new stuff.

Having someone push you past your comfort zone is a good thing overall, but there has to be a line drawn somewhere.

Eh. It’s not my life and not really my business. I’m just worried for Coworker S because she loves him so much and she wants this so much. I’m less worried for Coworker Q because she’s a really solid person with different hurdles, but still worried that she’s rushing into something. I hinted as such as I was messaging her earlier. I shared that I’d been reading that divorce rates are up in those married for 20 years and the kids have flown the coop. Since the kids are gone, nothing is keeping the couple together anymore so they split. That’s what I’m afraid of when a couple gets together just to start a family. My end goal is companionship and partnership forever. Not for kids. Not just for the primal need for reproduction. I don’t know who decided that success in life is having children. Why is it that childless couples are looked down upon? It is proven that having children doesn’t make people happier, it just makes people feel more fulfilled in life. Not to mention they’re expensive. If being human means that we have the brain capacity to think and reason, way higher on the scale than any other animal, then defying nature’s call for reproduction can be considered superseding the purpose of life itself. Well, she said she agreed with me, that she’s in it for forever, not for kids, and that dating in her 30s is much different than in her 20s when her goals were much different. I mentioned that I regret not dating in my 20s, but that I’m kind of glad because I was so immature and naïve then.

Not that anyone finds me attractive enough to consider. I don’t know how to meet people. Online dating seems full of desperates, especially in this age range now. I don’t drink. I don’t do this and that. Sigh. Maybe one will just come to my door one day and there you go. I mean, even the 600lb Life show peeps all have boyfriends and husbands. Goodness.

MAN why am I so sleepy?

I don’t know what to do about my house. Liana really needs a yard. She’s going bonker, bored dog again.

I’m getting that routine annoyance about living with my family members again. I just want my own place and the ability to visit when I choose to.

So. Poor. Now.

 

Mashed Potato Brains

I had a patient today that I used to see and hadn’t in a little while. He’s a physician for Kaiser and he always talks — a lot — what was different this time wasn’t him so much as me: my brains are full of mashed potatoes. He, as usual, was talking about intelligent things. As a physician he’s always interested in conditions and such and will work through in his brain out loud and I would contribute with my own brand of intelligence to keep up. However. I couldn’t. I couldn’t come up with the words, the proper names, the medical terminology. I’d mentioned in the past that since I don’t use that kind of information anymore, in dealing with patients (basically I dumb down the words so that people can understand me), I don’t need it and my brain doesn’t think like that anymore. It can be extracted, but that takes effort to find and dust off the cover. I simply cannot believe how far gone it is. Stuff that I’d always been on top of, quick off the top of my head, information, terminology, intelligent conversation, even things like spelling, are gone, poof, into hiding. Even looking back at old posts from college when my brain was top notch and most powerful, I can’t believe how my recent posts pale in comparison in spelling, grammar, accuracy, vocabulary, flow…. And content! Good gravy the content is drivel and inconsequential.

Amazing how little time it takes. You would never know, if you talked to me, that I was always academically inclined. Top of all my classes. Great student. Peers would either respect my prowess, compete, or be jealous. True, I may not have pursued a degree equal to my capability, but that’s by choice and partly by necessity. Now I’ve become what everyone has always assumed of me: an average person with an average job and average intelligence. Not to say that’s a bad thing, not at all, and not to say, either, that I have a powerful need for people to respect me (in fact, I’ve always preferred for others to think I am less than I am), but it does bother me sometimes. Then I sit and wonder what would make me feel validated, then, and how nothing would and why the heck does it even matter on the whole, anyways?

Earlier, I was just pondering about how futile life really is. How inconsequential our lives are when you consider it all. People strive constantly to make a splash, to have a family, to aspire to great things…what’s the point of it all? I get to watch as the kids in my practice grow up and start their own lives. I watch my older patients grow even older and eventually die. Even seemingly healthy patients, happy with life, job, kids just suddenly pass away. I listen and observe as my co-workers and peers rush to get married and have kids before we grow older, ourselves. My mom and grandparents slow down and experience health concerns. Family, patients, friends and myself, all asking me if I’m planning to go higher, to attain higher status. We are currently in December, and yet another year is coming to an end. It’s like it’s all occurring around me and I’m just here watching it all play out like a spectator. My own time and life are slipping away from me. If I were to die tomorrow, people will grieve, but their lives continue and they move on. Is all I’ve done, then for naught? My one little path in the infinite web of life, crisscrossing, meshing, destroying, straying, inspiring other paths of the web…cut abruptly. There are too many other lines to really care about little old me.

Many times I’ve thought about why we are driven to have children and continue that cycle of life. Force them into this world, whether they like it or not. That in and of itself is selfish as it is. We continue the cycle of life, but to what end? There’s no end goal, no finish line that we’re aspiring too, at least that I’m aware of. Why are we and animals and life in general so obsessed with continuation of life? Ha. Maybe I don’t want to know. Maybe, there really IS and finish line and an end game and our evolution over the years is to produce the end product or some specific need. We fear death because we do not understand and do not know what it holds, and yet we live and fight to stay alive even though we neither understand why nor know what the future holds. Life is therefore just like death with the minor exception that we’re, well, alive.

Deep stuff. In the meantime, I’m super sleepy and tired. And I got my Christmas cards in the mail! Also, my left ear really hurts.

I’m all alone, there’s no one here beside me

…literally.

I am home…alone! No dogs either, just me. The people, I’m not concerned about, but the dogs…if I didn’t have the dog beds and dog toys lying around, I’d be okay, but empty dog beds are very depressing. I miss their furry little bodies there. Especially Gable. So what did I do? Flop on the couch. Turn on the TV. Pick up the phone. Forced myself off the couch in search of foods which I’d already planned and bought at work. Heated it up, ate a little and then threw it all away because DAMN it smelled like seafood. Guh. Waste of money. Instead, I ate Green Giant niblet corn, rainbow sherbet, and deli meat. Woohoo! More phone excitement while trying to stay awake, some messenger conversation, made myself stay up until 9:30, checked all the door, inserted the 3 set of whitening trays and here I am. This house is pretty big for one person. I could do it though.

Realllllllyyyy glad I refused to drive down tonight, because driving home from work was bad enough…and I even left early. I kept nodding off and had to break out the chocolate in a valiant effort to keep myself awake. That and getting mad at people…it works, you know? A moderate mad, like frustration and focus. Even then I couldn’t keep it up…geez. Lack of sleep really does that. I’ll sleep after this and then get up early tomorrow to go down in an effort to beat all the traffic. Dunno what I’m gonna do down there while everyone sleeps, but there you go. Another reason I don’t want to be down there.

My coworker was telling me how her boyfriend was getting a new car again. He leases cars so he keeps getting new ones as the leases are up, but he’s always choosing cars that I, myself, find annoying. Normally, I could care less because why should I? It has no bearing on me. The car he has now is a BMW something or another. Now he has a WRX. And for whatever reason he’s always insisting my coworker drive them. BMW and WRX are completely different cars. He also insists on manual, which for someone like him who works from home is fine, but around here a manual car is just ridiculous. Bottom line is that when she told me about it, the news made me irrationally angry and annoyed. I think she noticed. Why? A couple reasons: one, I’m PMSing which means everything makes me overreact. Two, I hate unsettled people and on top of unsettled people, I hate impractical people. To me, especially, in a mate (in this case, my co-worker who wants to spend her life with this guy), someone like this who likes thrill things like new cars, fast cars, expensive things for cars, always changing up cars, is not settle-down material. Rational thinking tells me that whatever, he doesn’t even have to pay for a house right now, so he’s entitled to enjoying his money, but my brain (the same one that gets and has gotten me in trouble relationship-wise) says red alert, flag time. Third, this is the exact same problem I had with ex. Why in the world I keep looking for hidden messages in people’s actions based around cars, but why the HELL do these men (even my brother) care so much about these stupid cars. I know a bit about cars myself, but after thinking about things in the way I do, they are, in the end, a mode of transport. Why people place such importance on them is beyond me, whether it be status, or performance. I mean, status? Performance? Pfft. I’d rather spend it one something else than worry about scuffs on my super expensive car that I don’t ever and will never be able to use to the fullest extent of its performance power because that would be driving-with-intent-to-kill. Why? Because they have nothing else to worry about. Not my brother, not my co-worker’s boyfriend, and not my ex (at least of what I knew of him). None of them own a house or have much other responsibility.

I guess I ascribe it to irresponsibility. That must be why I get upset. With ex-M his ultimate decision to choose that old WRX over something more practical especially for his line of work or even a newer one (he had used to have that same model and year and basically regretted selling it and wanted it again, even boasting to me that the prior owner was facing pressure to sell it from his wife because of their kids…something he criticized about females) was the nail in the coffin for me. It was impractical, and old, meaning more money and work being thrown into it. Manual which is, as I said, terrible for sitting in traffic in this area, and it was a solid signal from him that he was not interested in the least about a future or a family or anything. That’s not meant to be a passenger car. I tried to be supportive as it would be a project for him again…I mean, just because I don’t like something doesn’t mean you have to dislike it too…but the attention, the care, that he gave the vehicle, the non-living hunk of metal, was so lacking in our relationship between people. He cared more for that non-human than he cared for anything that breathed air: me, animals, his patients, his own family. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand for that again after growing up with my dad. Then again, in retrospect, I guess I was attracted to him because he was just like my dad in so many ways. Stupid Freud.

I. Can’t. Stand. Irresponsibility. Immaturity. Which means I’m out of luck because that is apparently the definition of being male.

Then again, it might all be just my own jealousy thrown in there too. Nah. That might be part of it, but that’s not only it. My co-worker really seems to adore her bf and he seems to adore her too, but I’m afraid she just wants too much for things to work. I disagree with some of the things he thinks and believes in. I’ve never talked to him much, but I have some reservations when I see him and send my feelers out. There’s…something. It feels similar to my brother in law. Bah. I need to get over myself. It’s not my life, and I need to stop being so negative about people I don’t know well. It’s just that I care tremendously about what happens to the people I love.

This is exactly why it’s so hard for me to find someone. I’m too complex, too intricate, too…much. Too intense, too many expectations, too stubborn, too…liberal? too thinky. Is there someone out there whose brain is as encompassing as mine? It’s a different way of thinking, broader, intuitive and yet emotional with silly thrown in there for fun. People get offended sometimes and even others don’t understand it. I’m not your common girl. Really. Truly. An emotional robot, if you will. I don’t think I will, because all of those guys are taken. Oh well. Dogs forever!

I think it right that I threw that food away. I swear there’s shrimp in there somewhere. I’m itchy all over now.

Working today

Both WordPress, and me physically going to work, I mean.

Man I don’t want to go in. I stayed up until like 1am because I apparently am all excited about Thanksgiving. I don’t get excited anymore…or maybe I do, but I block it out of my consciousness? Well, the result is that I am super sleepy still. Almost didn’t get up. I hope it doesn’t effect my driving too much. I have tons of kids today too. Guh.

Remember when I kept saying how convinced I was that I had a twin that died before I was born? My mom and I were discussing that again last night. She shed a little more insight on it. She said that she clearly remembered being on the table and that after I was born, the doctor was standing there (he was a small man), and suddenly rushed over and held out his hands to catch a big thing that came out. My mom had always thought it was just the after-birth/placenta, but she remembered that he held his hands about a foot apart and mouth agape. That’s when she went cold from the feet up and they called a code blue because she probably died for a bit. She then recounted that the nurse told her that in the years she worked as a nurse doing that, she had never seen a doctor bring flowers to a mom before. Remember they never told her what happened when she asked, just the nurse there looked at the chart and shook her head sadly before walking away. All the clues point to the same conclusion. Not to mention that mention of a possible second heartbeat at around (as my mom estimates) 3 months. In between 3 and 6 months, is probably when my twin died. And both my mom and I agree that it was a boy. I am absolutely certain it was not another girl. She feels similarly. Maybe that explains why I kept moving around in the womb so much (to get away from zombie sibling?) and why I screamed so earsplittingly loudly as soon as my head was out of the birth canal. I’ve always felt like there was something or someone missing in this world. Just like I like twins because I always felt some sort of a connection to them. My mom said she has to think about whether or not she wants to give a name to my dead brother.