Ha

Father’s Day…

Too bad I never had fond memories of this day. I am happy for those who had a wonderful day venerating the ones who provided half of their chromosomes, truly I am, but for me? Nah. Only memories of ungratefulness, complaining and tension.

Spent all day playing video games again, mostly because it prevents me from spending money and honestly what else do I have? I technically have the ability to do something more productive with my time, more creative, but none of that is appealing to me given my mood lately. I have ideas, but they’re just that.

On the Liana front, she was very happy today! She roached, wipey-faced, stretched a bit, and even went to tear a box! I played a tiny bit with her this morning because I was playing with Gable and she wanted to play, but remembered that she couldn’t, so I found a squirrel toy and she played a bit. I…still feel awful about what will happen after we run out of medications. She has this potentially false positivity to life again and it will be many times worse if it all goes to hell again. So tonight, I decided to try not giving her 2 of the medications. I only gave Rimadyl. We shall see what happens, though I know that it will take more than 12 hours for them to out of her system fully. Maybe she’ll be able to sleep better. If she was a human at least she would understand that after the medications things might still not ever be the same…but she’s not. She’s a dog and I can’t make her understand. I wish I could. I mean, even with the medications she’ll still forget and scream…she did that today after all those cute things she was able to do again because she stretched just wrong and cried until mama came to rub her shoulder again. I keep telling her to take it easy and be careful, but…how to make her understand. Sigh.

This biological clock won’t leave me alone. Guh. Why is it so prevalent? Probably doesn’t help when I play video games like Mass Effect…ironically in ME: Andromeda, which I am probably about 3/4 of the way through now, I messed up and turned down pretty much all instances of romance except one. The one I was trying to pursue is not interested in a relationship…I only have one prospect left. Figures. It’s just like real life. The one I want is not interested in me. Only likes me. And now I’m sorely running out of options and time. Oh well, such is the lonely life of a Pathfinder, I guess. Good friends, loyal comrades, but alone.

It’s funny, all of those who my friend and I speculated about future marriages/relationships are in relationships or marriages. Happy ones too it seems. Did I really put out an air of contentment and happiness in mine? No one seemed to have a clue the pain and drama that had been going on. It came as a shock to literally everyone. Well…I used to think that if so and so can do it, so can I. Ha. How conceited I am.

Not that anything matters…my life situation isn’t and won’t change for a little while. In fact it keeps getting more interesting and more complex. Whether I’m in or out of a relationship, nothing can really happen right now. Nothing can come of anything. Too many tie downs, no way out. I’m miserable. Just miserable.

At least I have my health and I’m alive.

Do I ever think of anything else anymore besides relationships and my dogs? When will I be happy again?  I put up a façade but inside…well. Nothing really. Haha. I’m not actually depressed. I’m not actually happy. I just feel…rather neutral in all things.

I’m stagnant. My life is stagnant. If there’s a lesson to be learned in all of this, I have no idea what it is. To make myself stronger inside? To not take things for granted? Enjoy what I have because it could easily be even worse? Not to be hasty because that’s how I cause myself stress and grief? To just go with the flow? Don’t think too hard?

HAH! How many times have people tried to tell me not to think? It’s IMPOSSIBLE. If my mind is not working or thinking I might as well be dead. Makes me wonder sometimes if my brain is normal active or more active than the normal person. Then, do people really have nothing on their minds? How is that possible? I’m pretty darn sure too that my brain activity has nothing to do with current technology…well. I’m sure that has something to do with how it is working in this moment in time, but I mean naturally. Like if you took away my phone and computer and TV and just handed me old school print materials like books, paper, pencil or musical instruments or toys. I can’t just take naps (heck my brain works hard even when I sleep. If you don’t believe me go read my dream blog), though I do enjoy a good lie on the grass outside (with bug spray on preferably). Even then my mind is occupied with relativity or coming up with questions/realizations about nature.

Sigh. I miss having a second half, someone I can share my heart with. My thoughts, worries, ideas. Not that I could do that with M, but he proved to me that I actually want a partner in crime. That I really do like having one. More sighing.

Bonked My Head Today

It has been a WHILE since I’ve knocked myself that hard on anything at work, but there you go! I was seeing my senior in HS patient so I had to play it cool, but by golly it HURT.

I was talking to my family about my fear of thunderstorms, and as it turns out, they were completely unaware of the magnitude of my fear. Really, it must borderline phobia or be the real deal. I can’t even help how my body responds to lightning and heavy rain in anticipation of thunder. Tachycardia, hypertension, increased respiration, diaphoresis. It’s bad in the car too, but the advantage I have there is that I have a goal to complete (ie, get home) so I’m more focused. My own family! Doesn’t know! Must have been hiding it well.

The A/C was screwy at work AGAIN so it was freaking HOT and humid all day long. It caused me to consider the possibility of naked dentistry. Can you imagine? HAHA. Had some good laughs with coworkers there. “Scoot closer in the chair towards me, please.” Rests boobs on large male’s head. “Welcome to our practice where the patient population is 90% male and 10% female.”  “I want that hygienist next time, heh heh.” OSHA would come down so fast and hard on us it would make our minds spin. Seriously, though, bare skin would have been amazing. And as I called it earlier in the day, A/C finally kicks in right after we finish our last patients of the day.

Which brings me to the main topic of this post: telling the future.

I’ve always had this uncanny ability to, well, know what’s about to happen. Over the years I decided that it’s not psychic abilities as being able to deduce well given the available information. Like, reading a situation and predicting the outcome. However, not all instances can be explained that way, such as getting a gut feeling that there’s a cop nearby, so be careful, or hmm I would usually go around this slow person, but let’s not do that today, and later wow I’m so glad I didn’t go around them or that could have been me! This is why I’ve learned to wholly trust my gut.

Even in my failed relationship, I’d been saying from the very beginning or knowing within myself what exactly would go wrong. When he got accepted into Fire Academy I was happy for him, but I was mostly overwhelmed by grief. Why? Because I knew that it was the end of us. That he would change to accommodate his new life. I even said as such in the poems I wrote him. And guess what? Even knowing that and trying so very hard to keep us together, it ultimately was what broke our glue. If I went back into my blog entries or poems or diary entries, I would be able to confirm that.

Just because you know the future doesn’t mean you can change it. When I bought the other house in the hopes of moving down there, I already knew I’d keep the house for about 5 years and then sell it. Unplanned to the year, but it will be 5 years since I bought the house that I plan to sell it. In a similar topic, I pretty much knew that my sister wouldn’t only be living there for a few months, but I hoped and hoped that because she is my sister that it wouldn’t be like I thought it’d be. Alas.

Why can’t I predict things like the lottery? So usually, it’s not big events that I predict with accuracy. It may sound all sketch and unusual, but you can ask the people around me about this ability of mine. Sometimes when I think about it, it’s kind of scary.

So how? I don’t know, but I have theories. It ranges from the spirit of my dead twin (we strongly suspect I had a twin in utero that didn’t make it) residing with me and whispering to me help through my life, to just being more in tune with the spiritual world than most people. If you’ve ever seen how spirit mediums work, they don’t actually get talked to in the sense that I’m holding a conversation with a person. They get a sensation, an idea, a vague image and occasionally a singular word will pop up. Sometimes I feel the same way: I get a notion, an idea, not really an image or words but an inkling. It’s hard to explain. This is why when I read people it’s not just body or tone but more than that. It’s a feeling. I assume that’s how dogs and animals work? Scientists would explain that maybe I’m more sensitive to electro-magnetic fields. I’ll be the first to put it out there and I’m not scared to admit that I believe in ghosts. I’ve experienced a few in my life. Even my vivid dreams sometimes I feel like are not my own. Sometimes I dream travel and have others travel into mine.

I initially thought M could sense it too, a strange phenomenon with males, because most mediums are female. Actually, I know he could sense it. That was one of the things that drew me to him: that he was very perceptive for a male. However, as soon as he opened himself up to the possibility, he shut it down HARD. Towards the end it certainly was NOT there anymore. I guess it can be scary if you’re not spiritually strong. In my opinion that’s how possessions happen. I believe that some people are spirit magnets. And it’s true, his spiritual strength is not strong. It exists but not enough. Gosh. In so many ways he has so much potential, but he doesn’t know it or doesn’t want to know it. He won’t open himself to it. That’s the worst to me; having the ability but fearing it so you beat it down and lock it up.

If you start opening your mind to this stuff, you need to be both mentally and  spiritually confident else something terrible happen. My spirit is unwavering so I don’t fear the potential attacks…at least so far. Granted I haven’t had to fight off anything crazy. Just my insane dad. My brother and sister don’t have it and are not in tune at all. Maybe that’s why animals like me? Balance. Calm. Without it, you lose control. Don’t give into the negative. Believe. With all your soul.

Why can’t I use it for lottery? Bluh. Actually, there was one time that I swore up and down that I’d found a million dollar winner scratcher. My entire being was convinced of it, but whenever I went to act on it, body shaking in anticipation, the button wouldn’t work to spit it out. WTF. I tried twice, weeks apart from each other. It never worked. And the feeling passed. That scratcher run ended soon thereafter.

Beh. I hope work isn’t a sauna again tomorrow. It’s unbearable and really takes a toll on me.

 

 

Volcano

I felt like I was in a volcano last night. Before I went to sleep and pretty much all day my lower abdomen, especially the right side, was killing me. Not the go-to-the-bathroom type either and not quite the I’m-on-my-period cramping. Thought maybe it was from too much sitting in one place, but it hurt more when I stood up and moved around and I had been cooking for 2 hours while feeling it. Spent the time before bed typing up poems and got sleepy so I went to sleep, but it was extremely fitful. I thought I’d been asleep for a long time, but when I looked at the time it was only 11 something. By 1am I just had to get up and go to the bathroom, but it was mostly because I was sweating to the point where I felt like I had jumped into a pool. Literally so much sweat that I could dry myself off with a towel (and this is with very short hair already). It brought back flashbacks of how I used to feel as a kid when I had a fever. My bed was moist and wet, so I had to scoot to a different portion, but the problem was that I wasn’t hot. I mean, I was hot, but I was also cold when outside of my blankets. Once again that fever feeling when you’re burning up but cold at the same time. Well. I did not sleep well last night, and I kept waking up every hour or so. Now, of course, I’m very tired. Going to be one of those days. Good news is that my abdomen stopped hurting.

Wonder what it was.

I spoke of poems earlier because recently I’ve been using poem writing to discharge my feelings. Drawing just isn’t happening as much.

April showers bring May flowers! And goodness the showers! My grass is loving this, I’m sure. If you’ve been overseeding this is great time for them to grow.

I was having a discussion last night with my brother about female protagonists in video games. He was complaining about why so many steam games make you play females as the lead and I said, well, I’ve been playing male leads since forever so it’s good they make you play females. Then I launched into how pretty much every single game with strong female leads don’t sell well. No matter how good they are. Try to think of any female-led games. Everyone can think of one: Tomb Raider, which are extremely good games but never held up to games like Halo, or anything like that. Can you think of others? Metroid. Mirror’s Edge. Bayonetta. Great games, but they just don’t sell well, so if you want to make a female lead you have to put a male in there with them. Mass Effect (Andromeda was meant originally to have the female be the main, but oh well). Assassin’s Creed Syndicate. Resident Evil. Resident Evil Revelations…not even part of the main RE titles, but both featuring women leads with men thrown in there later, too. Then you have games like Gears of War where they try to put women in but make them hella annoying. Of course.

MEN. MALES. And you really can’t argue with them about this because they don’t believe you.

Ah airflow

Ya got my hair cut super short again. It was really getting long too. My hair is so thick and full. Even though I am so thankful and happy that it’s lopped off, I always have to go through that worry-self-conscious-stage where people will stare and make assumptions and give me that look.

What a gorgeous looking day today! Figures that yesterday, Saturday, had to be so rainy, but I guess it is Spring after all.

At work last week I was talking to my co-worker and was proud of her ability to think, and it made me realize that what I truly value most in people is the ability to think on their own, their own thoughts. To not necessarily agree with everyone around them, to think outside that box, and not be part of the Sheeple out there, but alongside that, still have the ability to consider other viewpoints aside from their own. Moderation. Which is my creed.  One example of a good trait gone too far is one of our other co-workers who comes in randomly. She means very well, and is generous, which is consideration for others and what they like. She’ll bring in things or give you gifts even though you didn’t ask for it. However, the problem comes around that she’ll give you the same gift in excess. No matter how much you like something, too much is too much. You can’t tell her no, either, because she is easily offended and getting into an argument with her is like getting into an argument with a wall. She doesn’t want to hear it, so you’ll continue to receive vast quantities of X which you may or may not still like. THAT is consideration for others taken way too far. It stops becoming consideration too because you’re not considering that they might not want X anymore.

Come to think of it, trying to manage keeping myself in the middle of 2 extremes is quite tiring…naturally I am an extreme person, but I learned from a very young age that is not acceptable and certainly causes injury to myself and others, so I’ve adopted a safer, middle stance on things. It’s calming and relieves my and others’ anxiety (and is the key to rehabilitation of dogs or any one/situation), but after a while I start to wonder if I’m living. The rare moments when I either let the extreme out or it escapes, I feel…alive. A rush. Aaand of course that’s usually doing something risky or dangerous physically and psychologically. However, there’s too much in life riding on my health and well-being. I’ve been accused of being too intense…because I am, underneath it all. I’ve said before that I never thought I’d be alive this long. Probably had something to do with that extremism that is locked away inside me.

I’ve controlled the beast this long, what’s another half of my life?

I wonder if this is how monks feel? Of any religion. Enlightenment is all about transcending humanity. Think about it. What do monks give up for their spiritual journeys? Instinct. Biology. Urges. Buddhist monks have shown us what mind over matter means. Shinto mummification! If defying nature is core to transcendentalism, then resisting natural inclinations arguably makes one super-human, or above the common homo sapien? That’s the idea at least. Monks across the religious span give up on what? Women (or men), sex, materials, food, violence; all of which are irrefutably primal in nature: reproduction and survival. I am no way close to enlightenment (always giving into my emotions as it is) but beating down my harder to control tendencies has truly opened my eyes to this moderate, peaceful view on life. I’m not meditating much at all, but my connection to the animal world, to grass, dirt and trees, the sky and the developed ability to see the forest for the trees, my own life in comparison to the larger existence…that’s what defines me and I’ll continue to uphold that. Haha…I’m not giving up on my own primal urges, because I’m no monk….but maybe resisting myself isn’t so bad after all.

I’ve heard in the past, too, people look down on monks and consecrated life, but what’s wrong with it?

Hmm. I can see layers and layers appearing in my mind’s eye about this, but I don’t want to pursue those right now.

I was going to complain about relationship stuff, but after that thought process, I’m going to not.

AH I remember now

I remembered what I wanted to post about now.

Recently, my co-worker was telling me she was reading about how money does not mean happiness. Money is a touchy subject for me and in general it’s not something I’d talk about with just anyone. My Dark Side experience with money gives me fantastic insight to this truth, as well as my mom’s side. The dark side are all well off, having become quite successful in their lives, coming to everything from nothing. That is to be lauded, but their mentality is that of the nouveau riche and their old non-rich upbringing: constant need to flaunt their rich status, buying up all symbols of wealth to show off, straight up showing off through words/actions. It’s irritating. My mom’s side back in the “old country” were born rich. They had the chauffeurs, the servants, and private schooling. However, when they fled to the US, it was all reduced to nothing. Literally. They went from servants and the finest clothes to scrubbing toilets and working all hours to fight for the survival of their family. My mom’s siblings are now very well off with ambitious jobs and living in the upper echelons of society. Also to be lauded, btw. But they don’t act like the nouveau riche, they just ARE rich: they don’t flaunt things, they send their kids to nice schools, their clothes are very good quality, but they don’t talk about designer bags or labels, they drive nice cars but they aren’t obviously so, they look for deals to save money wherever they can. Their kids are well provided for, and it might be unfair for someone like me who sits right in the middle of the economic classes with no real desire to rise from it, but in the end it is what it is and I turned out a decent person. The patient population in my dental office is also of the higher economic classes…considering all the houses around it are $1 million and up.

All of this affords me a unique look at life in any of these levels. As a pattern, the ” truer rich” people share a common feature in that they actually are quite frugal while the “new to richness” people tend to spend indiscriminately because they can.  These $1 million houses are in fact quite small and old in comparison to relatively cheaper homes. You may ask now how I am even able to comment on the poorer side of this considering my “rich” ties. Well. My immediately family also rose from the aches so to speak. From nothing to decent living. Ended up in an upscale neighborhood from pretty much the suburban ghetto but only realized later in life that we weren’t poor at all. In fact my dad is very well off. Makes me really mad because we weren’t allowed to do anything at all but all along we were more than capable of having a better life with more experiences to pull on. I guess it doesn’t matter, though, because anything with him is/was just a terrible experience, but it’s infuriating always thinking we were poor as dirt (think of broken appliances that we were “too poor” to fix, and 10 run down cars that were never maintained because of “status”) and then uncovering the dirty and cheating schemes he always pulled in order to “save money” or get the “best deal” at the expense of others. The end justifies the means right? The danger that never really befell us in those cars but was right around the corner.

Having read my magazine on the “Science of Happiness” and just observations throughout my life and experiences with people, I have concluded that all I want is to stay basically where I am. Think about it: people spend up to their means, right? Say you make $50,000 a year. You buy a house and a car around that budget. Now say you make $100,000 a year. You will also spend up to that budget with a car and a house. What’s the difference then? The same percentage of expense is being met from both sides.

Studies on happiness puts the “happiest income” at around $70,000-80,000ish (I gave my magazine to my friend). For me, I buy a decent home, not too big and not too small (bigger = more maintenance, more cleaning, more heating, more cooling. We lived in big houses. I know. Smaller = not enough room for guests, my things, feelings of too little privacy….college…?), I buy a decent car (more expensive = higher taxes, higher maintenance cost, special brands is even more cost and inconvenience, too cheap = leaves things to be desired, overall less content, less space), now I’ve fallen in the mid-range where I have what I need and have ample left over for a buffer pad and for things that truly will make me happy. What are those things that are proven to make people happy? Definitely not things. They’re experiences. Vacations are what really make people happy. Repeated research results on that one. For me it’s dogs. Flowers. Yard work. Video games. Conventions. DIY stuff. Time.

Everyone at every income level experiences stress and financial trouble. Even if you make $200,000, if you’re spending all of that like water and saving nothing, you might as well be making $30,000 a year…except for the moment you’re “enjoying” it until it all implodes on you.

Haha I always sound like I’m settling in my life and not shooting for more, but for me I realized long ago (thank you grade school English classes) that all I want in life is to be happy. We might only live once so I don’t want to spend it stressed out and chasing an impossible goal until I die. Not to take work home, be able to spend time with my loved ones, experience little excitements, not forget about the clouds passing above me or the miracles and beauty of what I call life.

OK Ok….

…I promise I’ll try not to be so whiny all the time. And yet…this IS my personal blog so don’t I have the right to be whiny? I realize that it doesn’t work for everyone, but for me venting makes everything better. Once it’s down on paper or typed out (paper is the best), it’s out of my mind and I can focus on something else. That’s been part of my channeling method for the vast majority of my life. When something is so massive that I can’t rid myself of it via paper writing, then it might require physical exertion or even music or the power of puppies to solve.

Anyways…something not about my life.

One thing I’ve noticed about technology is that aside from it making our lives so much more convenient and quick, is the major downside of destroying fundamental trust. Texting is so easy that we turn to it as opposed to talking despite it being extremely impersonal. Writing a blurb about my own opinions and thoughts no matter how venomous or scathing or offensive is as easy as taking a general statement, misconstruing the intent and becoming offended myself. There is no body language or tone to judge off of, so miscommunication is prevalent. That breeds mistrust. It used to be, without cellphones, that when a large group went somewhere like an amusement park or a mall, that you’d split up and meet back at a designated time. Now you don’t have to because you have your cell phone and so instead of enjoying your time, you’re worrying about the other people and call/text and without hearing a reply start to panic, when they’re probably just enjoying the rides or perusing. Even as a parent you give your child a phone and instead of trusting your kid, you track their GPS or text them in the meantime or call to ask  WHERE ARE YOU. While it affords peace of mind and overall safety, both parties spend more time stressing (on one end anxiety for safety and the other irritation of the invisible overbearing presence). Trust that your child overall is safe with so and so, that they will make good decisions hopefully, and that your parents trust you enough to let you go somewhere. On top of it all you have fake news, or jaded/conflicting reports and there yet again is mistrust (though media has probably always been jaded. It’s just more noticeable now. Then again even the internet is skewed depending on where you look). You couldn’t totally trust strangers in the low-tech past, but you certainly can trust online entities less. The king of the crop for me is that you mistrust even yourself. I trust myself less now in my knowledge (looking it up is super easy so it’s a crutch. Who needs to remember numbers or info?), I trust myself less in my lifestyle (being exposed to everyone else’s more glamourous ones), and I sometimes I trust my own ideals less. Indeed the downfall of religion can be easily attributed to the internet.

While more and instant information exists readily at the fingertips, the mere fact that it does, accomplishes the opposite of logically making everyone supremely knowledgeable and intelligent. We’ve (with me included) become accustomed to allowing the internet and phones to hold our knowledge for us so that we don’t have to…just like your body will conserve energy by relying on shortcuts or outside influences such as lip balm or drugs. Things I used to remember I have no real need to know. It’s harder to be far from the world wide web or wi-fi than close to it. What does Wi-Fi  stand for anyways? I swear I used to know. Wireless something.

Not to bash technology altogether, though. I mean, it would be rather hard to live without it. Try going a day without your phone and see what I mean. Without technology my workplace comes to a complete halt. I don’t know if I remember how to hand-chart existing restorations. Microwaves, TV, calendars, email, keyless car entry, security systems. Yowza.

If all of the sudden  technology such as internet and phones stopped working, I think the best off of the population would be the elderly and kids. The elderly because much of their lives were spent without these newfangled doohickeys and my older patients know how to sit still and wait. Kids would balk at first, but kids are so adaptable they would probably just shrug and find something to do. Quick on the uptake. I would sit there bored out of my mind again until finally buckling down and finding a person to hang out with. Without technology we’d go find each other and talk, laugh, bicker and do fun things. Instead we just sit together in front of the TV, on our own phones. When I leave one screen, I usually go to a different part of the house and jump on a different screen. Like this one. Without these screens I’m lost. My book is good but after that? It’s winter so I can’t get into the garden. I already walked my doggies, play with the doggies. I guess I could go play music, or try to draw some more, or think about project aowam for once. Or I could wallow in self pity.  I guess that’s an option too, but not a fun one.

I have no idea where I’m going with all of this. Just more brain diarrhea. :) You’re welcome.

Snowball

You know, I spend a lot of time thinking about how better my future will be compared to the right here and now, especially now in my current situation. What if, when the ball finally starts rolling, the hill isn’t a hill but a mountain? There would be no way back. More reason for me to cool my jets and just embrace what’s happening. It’s just one of my flaws/strengths to always be prepared for what’s about to come, because it lessens the blow of the impact if it turns out to be something negative. I wonder if I was born that way, or if it was a function developed out of necessity. At my core essence, I am a very neurotic and easily-scared person. Over the years I’ve grown a thick bravado of an epidermis–as close to dermal bone as I could get–to repel anything from reaching that fragile center. Indeed, the only things that have been able to cut through are the dogs and M. Both of them were risks…big ones…because the inevitable and possible endings are very real…and that means severe and overwhelming pain. Pain that is the EXACT reason that armor was built up to begin with.

It’s fun to go back and read my old blog entries on days like my birthday or New Year’s when nostalgia plays a big role (haha, the song playing right now Till by 101 Strings Orchestra is the perfect soundtrack for nostalgia type feelings). It really makes me sit there and brings to mind old goals, feelings and thought processes. Some have changed and others have not.

Ah. Time to go.