Vacation High

Monday and yesterday had me on my vacation high. Nothing fazes me during that time and things just roll off my back. Started coming down on the commute home yesterday when I finally got mad at someone. It’s amazing how every single time I forget about what it’s like to come back to driving up here. Especially during the school year. Everyone’s crazy, terrible, inconsiderate. I was trying to walk into the grocery store, mindful that around here instead of waiting for you, it’s everyone for themselves and they try to “beat” you so they don’t have to wait which translates to 10 points for running that pedestrian down just so that you can later see them in the store, so I stop and wait as 2 cars come barreling from either direction. They both end up stopping for me, but one so close into the crosswalk and impatiently waving me along. Might as well have just gone. They can’t even be patient, patiently. Defeats the purpose of doing a courtesy when it’s begrudgingly. It just puts into perspective how much stress it is to live around here; little stresses, but it’s constant. It turns you into an insensitive jerk too, because you have to be to survive, even if it’s not your nature.

Maybe that’s why I ate so much on the trip. LOL. I was relaxed. And, yes, I truly was relaxed. Slept well, hung out, no worries about work or traffic commuting, or being anywhere at a certain time. It’s crazy, too, when I realized how being relaxed opens up my brain. It’s like stress of work focuses it too much, like looking down a narrow hallway straight ahead, while relaxation (TRUE relaxation) broadens my perspective. All of the sudden I noticed that words come to me much easier, I’m not nearly as negative at work, looking to the good of people more than before. Less pinched-feeling overall. In the last 2 days I’ve been back to work I noticed people saying things to me that before the trip I’d be all gossipy and negative about too, but I’m less inclined to think that way now and they’ve noticed (body reading at it’s finest).

Won’t last much longer, I’m afraid. I do have a 4-day weekend coming up since I worked on Monday, which means I can extend my good mood a little longer, but alas, I’ll be back by next week. Sigh. This. This is the exact feeling and lifestyle I miss. People are nice, laid back, and considerate. I can shrug my local persona and just let my natural inclinations out. It’s a happier life with lower blood pressure overall. You just forget about it until you have it again.

Sigh. Gotta put my extra skin back on soon. Boo.

In other news, fall is coming! Or is it already here? The tree is coming down on Friday if it doesn’t storm too badly. I’m excited! When we got home the entire top of the tree was bald, and brown leaves in a massive pile on our deck. None of the other trees look like that. This one has given up. I still think it was Gable’s nitrogen poisoning causing all of it. Also why I can’t grow grass back there. Dogs…

LOVE shopping for fall décor and costumes and such. Speaking of which, gotta get moving on the costumes! Oh man, that’s another thing I miss! There are fabric places in the south!!! There is literally ONE place around here that sells fabric. Why? Because people just don’t have time for stuff like that.

You know, I read somewhere that people who are always “bored” and are always booking their lives full of events tend to have lower IQ’s, because those with higher IQ’s tend to think about things more. Not sure how accurate that is, but I do know that I hate overbooking my schedule, or booking it at all. It always amazes me when I meet people (they’re everywhere and I’m related to some) who literally can’t sit still. It’s like they’ll die if they stop moving. Those people are always wound up and have no clue how to relax. If they had to sit still in quiet for 30 minutes, they’d freak out. Anxiety. I’ve learned as I get older, how precious it is to find someone who is comfortable in their own skin and comfortable with their own spirit. Meditation is just that, isn’t it? But there’s fake mediation and there’s true meditation. Mindfulness, whatever you want to call it. Be comfortable with yourself. Believe me, I had lots of practice with that this vacation and I’ve always loved it my entire life, so I’m no stranger to it. Drove up and down all by myself with my dogs. And what is being at the beach if not relaxing mindfulness?

Advertisements

Back from the Beach

…and I have to go to work. On a Monday. Very saddening. Am I spoiled? Why, yes, yes I am.

Despite the trip having been extremely enjoyable and restful, I’m glad to be back home in my own bed. No doubt Gable feels the exact same way. Liana is probably the only one who still wants to be on vacation. Gable is almost exactly like my grandpa. Old men. Sheesh.

I can’t wait until Friday for the 4-day weekend. Still not recovered from all the driving and such.

I drove by myself down and up and even in between, so it’s exhausting in a different way. The trip down was absolutely awful. Not only was it raining like crazy, and I was driving by myself, Gable had spent the morning throwing up and threw up several times in the car, which meant that I hadn’t slept much at all and I had to drive with the noxious smell throughout the ride. Sleepy AND getting sick myself from the smell.

Right at the beginning of the trip when we were going to get the old peeps, I was driving and looked up to find that a stick bug was perched on the pillar just to the left of my face. I don’t know what kind of omen that was, but good gravy I was glad it wasn’t a spider.

We ended up with gorgeous weather and only 1.5 days of rain so it was really, quite heavenly. We initially ran into a bummer of a fiasco with the beach-access door. Basically, we couldn’t reach the beach at all through the house because the door mechanism was busted. The maintenance guy didn’t come until the next day and even then they told him it was as simple as we couldn’t figure out the lock, but nope, the door just literally wouldn’t open. He was there in the hot sun forever and finally after ruining the door, we were able to get outside! It’s all on the owner of the house now. My grandpa and Liana were very upset about not being able to get onto the deck and then onto the beach. I used the beach access to come around the other side, but everyone was relieved and very happy to finally be able to enjoy what we came to enjoy.

The house was stunning, updated, and beautiful, the deck and balcony were indescribably delightful, the sand, the waves, the weather….it was great. All of it.

But you know how it gets with family…as much as I love being with my relatives and being able to give them a low-stress vacation like this, it grates on you after a couple days and it makes you wonder what if it was just me and my immediate family.

Great pictures, though, with 3 different cameras. Now we’re still going to be unpacking for a week, still have to get the pictures printed and such, and my pocketbook needs to recover.

At the beach

…but. Can’t actually get onto the beach because the only door to access the beach doesn’t actually open. Something is wrong with the mechanism whereupon you can turn the handle, but the thing doesn’t engage to open the door. We can get there via public access which we will have to do until it’s fixed (person is supposed to be coming at some point today…they said they’d notify them first thing in the morning, which is probably 9am and who knows how long after that it will take). Very frustrating to not be able to get out and enjoy the beach the moment we get here. My grandpa was very displeased as he loves sitting on the deck.

Another displeased customer is Liana. The instant she got here, she remembered what it was like and wanted to go out onto the deck as soon as possible, but alas. I took them out to the beach this morning and she’s just so happy.

Unfortunately, the other old man of the party, sir Gable, did not have a good trip down. He had worked himself up so badly the night before we left with all the packing we did that he threw up twice that night (meaning, no sleep for me) and then threw up multiple times on the car ride. Thankfully for everyone else I was driving by myself with them so I was forced to solo-endure the nauseating perfume of multiple instances of dog barf for 8 hours. He felt pretty bad and I was very worried about him collapsing. Of course he wouldn’t want to eat but I forced him to at least eat some broth, rice and chicken. He dislikes being force fed but he needed it. The instant he got out of the car and into the air conditioned house he was better. Actually the moment I pulled down the window and he got a whiff of the beach air he felt instantly better and perked up. He made it through the night without incident and today he is reserved, but he certainly feels better.

I was thinking in the car that this might be the last time I’m able to bring him here to the beach unless we have a van.

It’s so adorable to see Liana beyond herself with excitement. The recognition of THE BEACH is pretty awesome to see in her. Still afraid of the water rushing to her feet, while he’s a total pro with it all, but I know she secretly enjoys it.

I hope this maintenance person comes soon. The weather seems to be pretty decent for the most part this week. The hurricane probably won’t hit the area until next week.

Back to slug speed

Operating very slowly today. Last day before we start vacation.

Tropical Storm Irma is now a category 3 hurricane. Lots of contention between the European and American models as to what trajectory it will have, but please please please…I just want to enjoy my trip…already with the period messing up life as usual. Not to mention I’m very worried that if it becomes the absolute monster category 5 hurricane they predict, our tree has not been able to be taken down (sealing the lot, delay in processing and now the trip) and we are terrified a big storm is just going to knock it onto my neighbor’s house or ours. I’m looking out the window right now and the squirrel is going crazy on it, jumping here and there and looking for food. It’s eating the struggling plant in the pot now that has survived countless squirrel attacks.

A massive bee was trying to get into our house last night. *shudder*

I tried to pack my bags last night, but Gable kept coming into my room like, “mama what you doing” so I gave up. He and Liana have been going crazy because they know something is up.

Just work today, then eating out and finally getting to pack my bags. Thank goodness they finally opened up our lot to be parked in. I ran out of work yesterday, leaving my boss and my room because I was very concerned about there being a severe lack of parking spaces, which there would have been if they hadn’t reopened the lot.

Then I had some crazy dreams about the beach, eating in a fast food place, and something else.

Yowza

I finally put away my 3 baskets of folded laundry  (with a half load in the dryer still) and good gracious I have too much clothes. Definitely will have to weed through them again. I’ll be getting new scrubs too, so those will also be weeded through. No point in having too many shirts or whatever. Just makes it harder to pack later and put them away. Some articles I’ve been keeping around because I’ve been hoping one day I’ll be skinny enough again to wear them properly, but alas, that’s just a dream that is very unlikely to happen. Purging material possessions is therapeutic, though, even if I’m watching my hard earned dollars go with them. Can’t deny the reality of my lateral growth, though. Haha. No matter how much I’ve been working out, I like food quite a bit and was never looking to reach a particular weight anyways. When I come back from the beach.

Ha. When I come back from the beach! I have all these plans since this vacation is a year marker for me…a long overdue one. I will be weeding through my clothes (several hour process) and then kicking the dog costumes into high gear! I must succeed this year! I must reach my goal.

So I’ve been playing a game on my phone called Wordscapes where you have to turn a scramble of letters into words that fit into a crossword layout. Been at it for like 2ish months in the hopes that it will feed my mushbrain. Yesterday, I forgot my phone at home and for those instances I have a puzzle book I keep in my workbag. The last time I picked it up I’d left a bunch of blanks where I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what the words unscrambled to. I looked at them and flew through the remaining answers. It surprised and delighted me. So the game has been working to train my brain. Reminding myself of certain vocabulary words and recognizing patterns quickly. I am pleased. This old brain can still do things after all.

As much as I’ve been trying to suppress my excitement for this trip, I think it has taken root and is blooming…has been blooming…for the last 2 days. Last night was the 2nd night in a row where I’d wake up at some odd hour and be fully awake. I typically wake up around 5am and nap for about 2 hours, but yesterday and getting worse this morning I couldn’t go back to sleep. My body wished to jump right out of bed, eager to get on with the day. To what end? A quicker approach to Saturday, no doubt. In a hurry. Haven’t packed yet because I know what Gable will do. He has already been suspicious of us and won’t leave me alone. Took some effort to make him stay in his room last night. He’s lying on his bed right now with one eye open, watching me, when normally he’s napping soundly.

Time is really going slowly. I managed to put away all my laundry, surf Facebook and write all of this and it’s not even 8am yet.

So, of course, we couldn’t park in the parking lot last night. Still on the road. I don’t like parking out there. The worst part of this is since it rained a lot on Tuesday, they tried to dry things out, but it never did, so the seal isn’t taking very well in multiple areas. I took a late night snooping walk with the dogs last night and poked a stick at the wet-looking spots. It’s pretty wet. This morning, nothing has changed. All the wet spots are the same. Someone needs to take a heat gun to them. I had a thought on Tuesday in all the rain, a worry, really, that we won’t be able to park in our spots on Friday which would be awful because how are we going to pack the cars? We’ll be packmules walking out to the road. Not to mention the trash won’t be able to come. I noticed this morning that they didn’t paint all the lines yet on the wetter half of the lot. I hope they at least open the good half to alleviate the parking situation. I’m worried about this afternoon because it’s not a Wed or a Tuesday where I get to leave on time or early like yesterday…and Thursday traffic SUCKS. It’s been bad all week given school is now back in session, but Thursdays are really the worst. The only good thing that came about all of this is that I’ve been forced to practice parallel parking and I’m slightly more confident in my abilities. Still suck at it. I’ve been fortunate in scoring very large spots. I hope I never have to parallel park again after this. At least not regularly.

It has been chilly at night! I like cool nights, but darn, I need to find bigger blankets.

Ok, tonight, I have to work out again or at least stretch, and start pulling out the bags. If I do it all tomorrow night it will be calamity in here. WOOF WOOF WOOF

Acid Reflux

I’m having some AWFUL acid reflux right now. Why? It’s all over Cheetos Paws. Uggggh. Why are they so GOOD but so BAD for me? I have to finish them, though. I figure a marathon eating will fix it. It’s been well known to me over the last few years that alcohol and corn chips of any sort provide massive revenge in the form of GERD.

My computer crashed the other day while I was showing my brother something on it. Good news is that he is a computer tech dude and right away worked to recover it, but basically had to format it all. My data was safe, though, because that’s what he does, but still. Apparently something had caused my primary hard drive to lock up? He suspects an attempted malware of some sort, at least I think that’s what he said. No matter what, I am very thankful to have it back. I went one measly day without it and I was very sad. VERY SAD. My co-worker asked me a while back why I still have a computer because she has zero need of one anymore. I responded that I use it very often. She returned with, how many times a week and I’m like, every single day, which is the truth. She gave me a skeptical look and then shrugged and said that tablets and phones are plenty for her. Yeah, I need a dedicated computer. That’s why I spent money on this laptop. No more sketch websites for me!

I’m starting to feel the pressure again about life. I had a great 2 months or so with no worries at all except what I was going to eat next and how fat I was getting. Mostly about how much of a blob I’ve become and not being able to pull myself away from my video games to do anything useful. I never even touched the costume thing since I first cut them out of pee pads. Now I need to find my bags to ready myself for the beach. Instead I’ve just been buying things left and right…and the usually when I’m doing that it’s because I’m trying to drown out something. I don’t need more stuff and I should be saving money.

Yesterday I was watching the end of Silent Hill something on TV and the father and daughter hugged and said goodbye and she walked off with her bf. I let the old feelings seep into my heart again and suddenly I was depressed and sad. Nostalgic and then resentful. I stayed back on Friday after we were done for like 40 minutes talking to my coworker about divorces and relationships and stuff and I let it out that I am jealous. Jealous of all the happy relationships around me, despite the divorces in our practice. All my coworkers’ families seem to be so happy; not only their immediate circumstances with husbands and boyfriends, but their parents too. I think I’m the only one in the practice whose parents are nasty divorced, aside from my female boss, but she’s old (haha), married and it doesn’t count. Unspoken of course, is my failed relationship, although his situation is worse than mine (another reason I’m glad we didn’t make it together, in retrospect…I don’t think he has a single clue about how a successful relationship works and no good role models either. Just anime and Korean dramas).

It starts to make me wonder if I, neither, have a clue how to a good relationship works.  I know I’m at a disadvantage coming in, but I tried to read everything and anything I could about how a good relationship is created, upheld and conserved. Then I tried to employ it, by making my goal to take care of my partner. The idea is, if both people try their best to make the other one happy with respect, care and time, then it should equal out. I understand there are factors involved, as there always are, but both goals are aimed for the benefit of the other more than oneself, it should work. Selfishness is the key to destroying a relationship. At least that’s what I’ve garnered.

But it only works if both sides are trying. That I know from experience. It doesn’t work if one person is more in love with himself than you. I’m somewhat selfish myself (and who isn’t, given that it’s your own life), but I loved him. I loved him with everything I could because that’s how I do everything. I would’ve done anything for him. Just wanted to see him smile and be happy. Maybe, I loved him too much and it was overwhelming. People aren’t dogs after all. I unconditionally love them and they unconditionally love me, so everything that I do or experience, I think of them. Always want to buy them toys, treats, etc, anywhere I go. I bought a car and house for them. They have at least 20 beds because I want them to be comfortable. I try to bring them  places because that means we go together and I know they love it. I wouldn’t dream of going on vacation without them. I’d do anything (within reason) for them. And what do they give me back? Just love. Lower blood pressure. Happiness. Poop. Vet bills. But I don’t care. Just like I told him: I don’t need any thing. I just want you. And I meant it. I just wanted him to think about me, to care about me, to do anything for me in return…but alas. Towards the end I realized what I’d known all along: if something bad happened, if he had to give up his life for me, even if he’d do it for a stranger, I don’t think he’d willingly give it up for me. Geez. I won’t even tell you how much money I spent on him over the 2 years. Just like my dogs, no matter what I did, no matter where I went, I’d always think of him. I always wanted to buy him things that would make him happy. I just wanted to be together with him.

I hope that’s not the wrong way to do it, because if it is, I’ll fail every time. And yes, I certainly understand the need for space, for even with my propensity to clinginess, I need lots of silence and space, myself. In fact, I just kicked Gable out for being clingy and farting up my room.

Speaking of dogs, they’ve been on an awful food strike for a week. He’s still going to do it, I think, but hopefully it’s coming down again. It stresses me out to no end when he does this. Then Liana does it too because I don’t know if they talk or not, but poor girl is terrified to eat all of the sudden. At least they both heartily ate last night. It sucks on another layer as he’s on antibiotics, so he’ll equate food with upset tummy which is actually being caused by the antibiotic. Also a bad time to change food which further takes a toll on the stomach. I was stressed and in a bad mood all day. I swear…this is absolute worst thing about owning greyhounds. And how did I get the super picky ones? Some greyhounds are perfectly fine with whatever. This is very last thing I ever expected would be an issue with owning dogs, and the MOST stressful of all. Medical issues? Separation anxiety? Vacation?  Training? Walking etiquette? House breaking? Nah. Simple stuff. But food pickiness? UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHH. Never ending, expensive and awful to deal with.

Projected list today: draw something, possibly laundry, look at eclipse, groceries, maybe costume stuff, find bags for the beach and start getting things together, think about what to make for dinner.

Scratch scratch

Itchy

Scratch all day and scratch all night
All these darn mosquito bites.
There’s just no way to settle the score
I walk outside and boom, there’re more.
Few others are as savory as me
Guess I’m just a delicacy.
Every year, it’s such a bummer
But without it, wouldn’t be summer.

~aowam

Figures the day I have to go back to work (had yesterday off) I slept reallllly well with favorable dreams. My extended weekend was unremarkable. Mostly video game playing (no costume stuff done at all….), entertained friend and her bf for a minor amount of time, took Gable to the vet, ate a ton of junk food, ferried my mom to her eye appointment, and spent money.

At least my patio debt is gone! WHOOOOO. Now the fridge debt is almost done too! On to the next one! Or better yet, let’s try and save something…though I might not be able to because my mom needs to go to the premier eye facility in the region…she has hereditary macular degeneration, specifically the cones are messed up in the macula. Explains why she confuses color and sees halos. They need to do gene therapy and no one takes her insurance, so basically we’ll be paying it out of pocket. I will be helping if it comes to it, which I’m sure it will. What this also means is that I have something really fun to look forward to! How exciting! This is an instance where I’d like more dark blood, thank you.

Stupid HOA never got back to us about the tree. If you don’t WANT to take it over email, then at least TELL US THAT. How idiotic. It’s still splitting at an alarming rate. More money there.

SO MUCH RAIN. This can’t be good for any of the plants (except grasses). Every week it’s rain rain rain. I’ve dumped water out of pots so often it’s crazy, and the spider popluation has exploded in response to the mosquito population.

Spent last night refreshing my information about the eye in the physiology textbook I bought myself last year. When my mom told me what they diagnosed, it amazed me how much I retained from my studies all those years ago. I really and truly was fascinated by the human body and how it works, so much of what I learned has remained with me all this time. I was able to explain to her in the car, what was going on, the difference between glaucoma and macular degeneration, what the macula is, etc.

It’s my creed: learn how things work and then you’ll be able to identify the problem, understand why something is going wrong and subsequently have an idea of how to fix them. Works for all aspects of life. That and my other creed of: Moderation in all things. That. Is learning. Always learn. Know. Analyze. Comprehend. But be willing to amend that information because research changes knowledge all the time.

Dangit. Time to go.