The End?

As I was working yesterday I was waiting, waiting because I just knew my mom would text me something bad about my girl. Trusting that gut. After noon passed, I thought maybe the worst was over and I started to relax, but then my mom calls the office as an emergency and my worst fears were confirmed. We had just secured Friday with a temp for me, but I had to ask for today (Thursday) off. As fate would have it, the dentist’s patient didn’t come so he took my last patient for me and off I ran. Cried pretty much the entire drive home.

When I finally get inside the home, it was just like Tristan all over again. She tried to get up and greet me, but my mom was holding her back because she’d been crying in severe pain all day. I tearfully called the vet even though I tried to remain calm, and they told me to come over. My brother helped me bring her (got chased after by some moron in a Sorento because I cut her off. Can you believe she FOLLOWED me all the way to the vet just so she could confront me? Except she was scared and stayed in the car the whole time. In the mean time she was definitely not in the lane when I was trying to change lanes. Must’ve been doing 60mph or something. Plus, I was almost crashed into by a massive pickup forcing itself into my lane too, it’s not like people around here don’t cut you off all the time. I was so infuriated by her and in grief I managed to carry Liana all the way into the vet on my own. Amazing strength anger gives you) and she was freaking out the whole time and lying down which is very atypical of her at the vet.

Vet agreed with me about her toughness because she didn’t indicate consistently about what hurt her. Got xrays, gave her a pain shot, and the suspicion was slipped disc. Radiographs ruled out osteosarcoma, the biggest fear. Basically it most likely is a slipped disc, you’d need an MRI to know for sure. Other things it could be is just pinched nerve or even neural tumor. Treatment entails medications (gabapentin, muscle relaxer and Rimadyl) and rest for 10 days then re-evaluate. Cause? Could honestly be anything. More than likely her spirited romping on Saturday. About $800 later I was able to take her home. It was a relief but also a major worry that I was able to take her home, because when it comes down to it, I already know from 2 sources what it takes to deal with spinal surgery. $15,000 straight up and MRI too? I can’t. Just can not. Afford that.

That’s where the decision has to be made. Say I do the surgery to save her. She’s 9. She’s a large dog. 10-12 year lifespan. There’s recovery, there’s a chance she doesn’t make it out of surgery or has the same problem Gable does with bleeding (apparently he’s a big celebrity at my vet’s office too about that). Now my side of it, I’m losing even more work and have a massive debt that there’s no way I could pay off unless I sell my house. Which I can’t. And what quality of life is it without surgery? Not a good one at all. Always tiptoeing around stairs or not being able to run or chase squirrels. She’s like me in that she’s all or nothing. It sucks more than anything to know you’re capable of something but having to hold back. Is that living? Who would I be prolonging her life for then? Me or her?

When I got home yesterday, I went to take Gable out for a second walk because he didn’t poop for my mom and he was being Velcro dog with me. Liana was adamant about coming along, so I promised we wouldn’t go far at all. She was very excited and hurried along with us onto the grass. Then, she didn’t want to go anymore. She didn’t want to go forward and she didn’t want to go back. She just wanted to go towards the trees and lay down. I’ve never been more sure in anything, knowing she was ready and willing to die. Just like Tristan. I tried to carry her back, but she was a dead weight and so unbelievably heavy. Eventually my mom came looking for me and had to get my brother to carry her back into the house again. He dropped her at the door and I had to help. She must have been being a dead weight again. Back inside, she lay down and refused to do anything else. No water, no food. Forced some water down her, but she was tachycardic and breathing unbelievably heavily until almost 11pm. Forced the pills down her around 8pm…didn’t seem to make much of a difference in sedating her at all. Lots of screaming every time she tried to move. Her eyes, though, were the worst. They were wild and staring, unfocused, never closing. Gable treated her like she was basically nonexistent.

She wanted to die, I think, very badly. The pain must be unbearably excruciating, even with the pain shot.

Watching her last night and sleeping in the living room with her through the night, experiencing even worse cries and screaming than I’ve ever heard from her as she tried to turn onto her other side. She whimpered basically all night and didn’t move again. At one point I lay on the floor beside her, I could sense a fear like she didn’t want to be alone, a little disorientation.

This morning she was extremely hesitant to do anything, but I asked her to get up. She refused water again, but willingly went down the stairs with me to the backyard. She just wants to be outside. Just stood there for a while, staring at the gate, and then came back in. She couldn’t do the stairs up so I had to walk her slowly up. She lay down on the big bed like she’d wanted to all night, so I napped for a little. Then my mom gets up and I’m able to walk Gable by himself quickly before she has to leave for work. I couldn’t help but break down on the walk. It was just me and my boy again and the prospect of that in the near future was so painful. When we come back home, Liana is standing up in her bed. She had eaten one small piece of chicken. I go take a shower and come back down to see her standing up on her own again. My mom was gone but looks like Liana wants to go on a walk. I gear her up, swatting at Gable to stay (silly boy) and slowly walk her out. She’s looking out at the grass again so I take her behind the house to the quad area. She pees a bit, smells things, watches squirrels. Limps, trips, slowly makes her way around. Looks like she wants to lay out there too, but this time she comes back slowly with me. When I turn to go into the house, she pauses, looks at the trees again and then goes into the house with me. She stands and waits where I usually take off their collars, then goes in to drink water like we always do. My heart is light at that. She then proceeds to sniff around for food. I go to prepare some food, but she still refuses to eat out of my hand or the bowl and only eats 2 small pieces of beef (Gable poohpoohs his altogether, the snot). Forced her to take her meds again, and…that’s where we are right now. They’re both napping.

Now I’m unsure of what will happen. I was settled in thinking she had given up on life altogether, but this new improvement is heartening while disheartening at the same time. Heartening in that she feels better, but disheartening in that putting her down would be extremely difficult, knowing there’s a chance and that she wants to live again.

There’s always the hope that it really is just muscular-based and with the relaxers, pain meds and rest it will be all better. My patient with a similar issue said that eventually it just went away in her dog, and good, too, because they wouldn’t have been able to do the $15,000 either.. I’m so glad for my patients. However, I’m nothing but realistic and always planning for the worst. That’s twice now that I’ve been faced with possibly not taking them home again, but I have been able to. In this case, it’s not over and the possibility of losing her is still extremely high, but I have some more time at least.

Sometimes it’s worse, having more time, but always better than a surprise.

When they were playing and romping on Saturday, I remember thinking to myself,  how blessed I am to be able to see this because this might be the last time I ever see that. Then I decided against going to get my phone to video it because I didn’t want to miss a second of it, to always have it in my mind. Got to play with her and him and watch them be as happy as greyhounds can be. I did think it strange that she ran as hard as she did, I fully expected her to stop after one lap, but she kept going, almost like she knew it would be her last, too. Even earlier this year she hadn’t run that hard. Of course, I almost wish I’d stopped her and we could have avoided all of this, but I’m sure if it wasn’t this than something else would’ve done it. At least she was happy doing what she loved most.

Well, for now, she feels better. No screaming today, just yelping. I know I’m just delaying the inevitable, but I’ll hold out hope. We have 10 days. She’s a stubborn, stoic dog. The most stubborn and stoic I’ve seen and may ever see. Cesar Millan says truly stubborn dogs are very rare, but I am convinced she is one. My tough old lady.

Workout

I just finished working out. I’ve found that a really good motivator to go workout is when everyone is at home because I try to get away. Don’t get me wrong, the social part is nice, to tell someone about the dumb stuff that happened at work, or that obnoxious driver or how cute Liana is. But. BUT.

In other news, I brought up the courage to text M again today. My last text to him was Memorial day, so Monday, and it broke my heart again to have him be so curt with me. That’s when I decided I need to just stop altogether so I consciously stopped thinking about him, about us and just started getting back to normal like before we met. I’ve been doing really well, but it’s been nagging me that his stuff is still here. I’m surprised he never asked for them back, so I’d been meaning to ask him to meet with me to give them back. However, as I imagined the meeting, I hadn’t been able to ask because I needed to get myself to the point where I will be able to do it without getting emotional. Honestly, it’ll probably get that way, but the more resentful I can make myself about him, the easier it will be. So I texted him today about it. I sensed a sadness with his short replies, but what am I supposed to do? He can’t do this weekend, but there’s no real rush, so whenever is fine, and truthfully  that’s more time for me to build up the strength to do it.

Let it be known for the record that I do not resent him as a person. Our relationship had many, many holes and wrongs from me and him and in retrospect was doomed from about last August. You could even argue that it was doomed from the get-go, but I choose to remember the good things, the  pure happiness and joy. I focus on the resentment in order to overcome my pain, but only for the short-term.

I must be hiding it well because my mom casually brought him up a few times the other day and I neither flinched nor freaked out about it. No one has said anything at work either and one of my coworkers slipped and joked about my “boyfriend patient” before realizing herself, but it didn’t bother me. I guess I’ve been acting so normal no one really thinks about it.

Anyways, I was happy with my workout today. I pushed myself more than I have recently (been getting much softer lately with the depression bit and no motivation), so that the sweat would come, to the point where one of my ankle weight sand bags came out I was moving around so much. Then I moved to the punching bag because the song was good for it and it turned out to be much more than I intended. Deep rooted pain and anger came flowing out of me and I beat the hell out of the thing. Gave it all I had, put it all out there in my fists, clenched my teeth and just released it all. Felt good, but stirred up the pot again. I really had been holding it in. Pain. That’s what I wanted. Physical pain. Then, ironically, the perfect song came on right after my cascade of anger petered out. It’s so heartfelt and perfect I’m going to put the lyrics here. Ended my emotional diarrhea with some light Total Gyming and releasing my heart into the song. YouTube it if you’d like. She’s one of my favorite artists.

 Yesterday

Artist: Anh Minh

Don’t want to start over
We’ll never make it together
Been there, done that before
I don’t wanna take another chance

How did we get so far
No chance of staying forever
Broken from the start
Now regret is all that I know

We’re better on our own
Take back those reckless nights,
Your sweet embrace
It’s time I let you go

No reason to hold on
I wanna forget your touch,
Forget your taste
Forget our yesterday!

Refrain:

Take this pain away with every sweet memory!
I don’t want, I don’t want to trouble you anymore
Take this heart away with everything’s haunting me
I don’t want, I don’t want to hurt another day

I’m gonna turn away, turn away
Turn away, turn away
Walk away, find a way
To erase yesterday

We’ve walked this line before
Couldn’t hold it together
Our love has run its course
The story’s come to an end

I wanna get over
The dreams of us before
I’d rather not have known
You can have our memories

We’re better on our own
Take back those reckless nights,
Your sweet embrace
It’s time I let you go

No reason to hold on
I wanna forget your touch,
Forget your taste
Forget our yesterday!

(refrain)

I wanna be the one you miss

We shouldn’t’ve let it end like this…

Find a way, try to erase yesterday!!!!!

(refrain)

It’s Over.

My romantic relationship is officially over.

Remember how I wanted to propose this last weekend when I saw him? Then I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I loved him too much? When I saw him he made me so happy I couldn’t bring myself to ruin it. However, I knew….knew, knew, knew….that he wasn’t there himself.

I read people. I can tell. I’m not just boasting or anything either because I really do read people.

The signs were all there. It’s just in love it’s so hard to see…no…not hard to see, just hard to accept. He was growing more and more distant, and already being a not forthcoming guy about feelings and such, this was more than that. I mentioned before it was like being with a wall.

Well, I knew this was coming, I just didn’t know when to drop the ball…and I kept hanging on because I love him tremendously. Still do, and will always love him. And it’s not that he doesn’t love me because I know that he does. Just not romantically. Why then? He disclosed to me that he finds that he has little interest in anything at all besides work, and all he wants right now is to be yelled at military-style. He is suffering from depression. Badly. Says that he will see a psychiatrist to help.

You know, when I found him initially, he was in a deep depression too. He told me then that I came in time to pull him out of it. It was true. When we first started and for about a year and a half he was happy. Like real happy. It wasn’t fake. As I’ve been analyzing and being tormented for the past few months about our dissolving relationship, I realized that things that he said in the beginning weren’t actually true, about what he liked or what he didn’t. It wasn’t all that significant those early days because most people will in a budding relationship to endear themselves to the other. With this disclosure that he was pretty much wearing a mask and trying to be “normal” and being what he thought I wanted him to be, it all makes sense now. It answers so many of the questions and confusions I experienced throughout this ride. I put to him continually throughout our relationship to tell me what was bothering him. Not what he thought I wanted to hear, but what he was truly feeling or wanted. I did it one more time today and we made that breakthrough. That’s what I wanted to hear, because that’s what he truly felt. I didn’t need him in front of me to know that much, because of the fact that it answered so many questions.

I was going through different emotions as I analyzed and analyzed and analyzed some more. The anger, the sorrow, the anger, the resentment, but it wasn’t until either yesterday or today that the anger disappeared as I came upon a realization that what he needed was healing. If this was a video game, I probably would have heard the sound of glass breaking. An epiphany!

To be perfectly honest, when I set the proposal to him today to take the romance out of our relationship but still keep in touch, so that he could deal with what he needed to without me to impede him girlfriend-style, there was a strength behind me. Almost telling me that this is it. This is right. Didn’t stop the tears and the snot from spilling forth, but it was a different type of crying. I was/am not so sad about our relationship ending as the fact that I failed in my mission. My heart breaks for his internal struggle leagues more than for us as a failed couple. It’s just too sad. I tried so hard to be the one to help him through, to be IT. My one goal in all of this was for him to be happy. I was successful, but in the end I couldn’t accomplish it all the way. It sounds too altruistic to be true, but I truly truly wanted that for him. A U.S veteran, a firefighter…he has had too much hardship in his life and deserves to be happy. That in an of itself doomed us from the beginning, I realize, but I wanted it anyways. I understand, of course, that people don’t change people. Situations do, events do, because ultimately it’s up to them.

God. I feel like I gave up. Threw in the towel. For someone who doesn’t ever give up. If I’d given up on Liana she’d be with someone else now. Took me 3 years to earn her full devotion and trust. That’s what…30ish years in their life?

I want badly for him to keep in touch with me. I care significantly about what happens to him. I feel like he needs me more now than ever, having revealed to me and himself the real cause of all this pain. I told him that if he doesn’t check in every so often that I’ll come find him myself. If he needs me I’d drop everything and come running. Most importantly for me, I told him that I’ll love him forever. I’ve been saying it the whole relationship and I mean every word. He refused to let my hanging on to him get in the way of my future and I’m not desperate enough to let it impede my goals, but it still doesn’t change that I love him and his family. One day when he figures himself out, maybe he can find me if I’m still available? It was never about someone else. I already knew that, because he’s not that kind of person.

Hah…for someone who didn’t divulge much in terms of feelings to me, I certainly know so much about him.

Oh man, I don’t know how much of this post makes any sense. I think it’s just a bunch of feelings thrown in there. I cry for us, for him, for me. But then again, I’ve cried more for us in our relationship than is necessary, methinks.

If you were to examine our relationship from start to finish you would see a clear path and a clear difference. We started out emotionally charged in every way. He was explosive in anger. Our fights were crazy in the beginning. Then everything started smoothing out. The fights became less fights than arguments. The arguments evolved into discussions. Our last exchange here, was so calm. Moreso than I was prepared for. He’s a different person now in many aspects than when I first met him. For better and worse, but ultimately more better. I take solace in that fact, that I made a difference.

What is for sure, though, is that he was not a mistake. It was a huge gamble to jump into the relationship to begin with, and I hate gambles because the risk for pain is high, but I did. And I regret nothing. These last 2 years were not a waste in the least, for either of us. I don’t care what conclusions he comes up with. They weren’t. He was not a mistake. I may hang on to him, but it’s not because I invested too much (which I did because for me, it’s all or nothing. No in between). It’s because I truly love him. I feel bad too, but that’s still not a good enough reason to hang on to him.

Oh life. My life. Why does everything have to be so hard. Nothing I have to do is simple. It’s always complicated. As Mother Teresa once said, I know God won’t give me anything I can’t accomplish…but I wish he didn’t trust me so much. Something to that effect. As I get older, I realize that my job on this earth is to help people. I get the toughest patients. The hardest dogs. I help them, they get better, then they die, or leave me. But I guess that pleasure is in the time they had that was carefree, alleviated. It’s worth it, even with the pain. I told my family that I think from now on, I’ll only have dogs that need my help.

Damn. That makes this whole thing worse, because I did fail in the end.

Ah well. I’ll continue to be there for him, whether he likes it or not. I hope he will take me up on it, though, because I mean it.

I love you Matt. Forever.

 

Ugh

I can’t shake a bad feeling that I have. Like I have to do something, right now. I thought it was my insurance or my HOA dues, but after dealing with them I still have an awful feeling.

It could be that I still feel terrible, absolutely horrible, about a dream I had last night. The eerie realism, the juxtaposition of sense and missense in it…similar to the dream I had after Tristan died. It made so much sense, but parts of it were fantastic, being a dream. It’s on my dream blog. heh heh. If anyone knows where to find it. Essentially I was tempted and almost cheated on M with an old suitor. It continues to bother me to no end. Ugh.

Maybe another dream tonight will cancel it out. I hope so.

Took down the Christmas deco today. House looks sadder, but bigger. I feel myself getting ready to start the purge…I usually purge about twice a year and I feel a rampage coming on soon, lol.

I’m fat again.

Sigh

I thought that by typing everything out that the waterworks would stop, but it hasn’t. I was doing great all day because I was keeping myself busy making a photobook for my uncle (took up about half the daylight hours today. Involved some more tears when the memories and certain images of him came up, but not too much) and then finishing my game. And then I had some down time and BOOM. Every time I have a moment to myself the images keep coming back or some little memory I’d overlooked makes itself known (e.g. When I stayed with him in his last moments, I looked at his face and at the very end when he was taking his last breaths, he swallowed, looked at me and saw that his eyes had discharged liquid. Like he was crying and knew what was happening. It continues to haunt me).

Why does my brain do this? It insists on ruminating on details and playing them over and over. I know my memory is good and always has been. Maybe trying to learn from these stressful events? How to better cope? I don’t know but it’s detrimental in the hours after these situations. And it hurts.

…I AM getting better though. The tears last much less time, I recover faster, and I am able to hold them back for longer. I can feel myself coming to grips because some memories had me really bad this morning, but now I can think about them clearly. I’ll have to recount for my mom in detail at some point. How my brother (men in general) can recover so quickly is beyond me. This morning when I woke up and the tears just kept coming, what really made me feel better were my dogs and getting out of the house. It amazed me actually how contagious their happy energy was and how just being in nature and trees revitalized me.

Speaking of hurting: my nose and eyes are PAINFUL like they  have rashes right now.

I hope when my uncle gets the photobook he won’t be upset that I did that. More than likely he won’t but piling on the pain after he feels better seems like rubbing salt in a wound. Like rubbing anything on my nose right now.

In other news, M is so amped up after his first week. In the midst of tears this morning I texted him and begged him not to cut carbs from his diet anymore and he was like, WUT I’ve been eating all sorts of carbs and pasta and stuff because Academy is kicking his butt mentally and physically and he just couldn’t do without it anymore. Pleasant surprise and more reason for me to stop thinking and ruminating about things so much. Interestingly the whole time I’ve been rehearsing and pulling in arguments for my case, a nagging portion of me was like, what if he already IS eating carbs again? I can’t even begin to tell you how glad I am to hear him say that. The turnaround on his attitude and happiness level is like magic.

I’m sad to not have been able to see him today, but no one wants to see miss puffy face, water fountain. So glad he’s so happy.

Yesterday while at the e-vet I got to think about whether or not the field is right for me. I’d never even entertained the thought of using all of my biology and stuff knowledge to saves lives, for longer than 2 minutes. It was always, nope, too stressful, or nope, I can’t think on the fly to make a decision, or, no way, I don’t ever want to be responsible for life or death of any creature. Well, thinking on the fly last night was so successful I flabberghasted myself. Sometimes at work I’m like, Wut in the world? Apparently I hold myself such that I have authority, the way I say things or present them, because it’s somewhat common for new patients to ask me if I’m a dentist. Moreover, when I talk to people I become somewhat uncomfortably aware that I tend to have more knowledge of varied things than numerous folk. Which then just makes me feel bad that I’m learning almost NOTHING new these days besides which video game is good vs. another or what stupid thing idiot at work has to say today. Is the medical field right for me???????? Or just an interest? Bah. No matter what school does not pay bills lol. Maybe in a parallel universe.

OK dogs are begging to go out again. Hopefully the dark skies will draw people’s attention away from my face.