My romantic relationship is officially over.
Remember how I wanted to propose this last weekend when I saw him? Then I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I loved him too much? When I saw him he made me so happy I couldn’t bring myself to ruin it. However, I knew….knew, knew, knew….that he wasn’t there himself.
I read people. I can tell. I’m not just boasting or anything either because I really do read people.
The signs were all there. It’s just in love it’s so hard to see…no…not hard to see, just hard to accept. He was growing more and more distant, and already being a not forthcoming guy about feelings and such, this was more than that. I mentioned before it was like being with a wall.
Well, I knew this was coming, I just didn’t know when to drop the ball…and I kept hanging on because I love him tremendously. Still do, and will always love him. And it’s not that he doesn’t love me because I know that he does. Just not romantically. Why then? He disclosed to me that he finds that he has little interest in anything at all besides work, and all he wants right now is to be yelled at military-style. He is suffering from depression. Badly. Says that he will see a psychiatrist to help.
You know, when I found him initially, he was in a deep depression too. He told me then that I came in time to pull him out of it. It was true. When we first started and for about a year and a half he was happy. Like real happy. It wasn’t fake. As I’ve been analyzing and being tormented for the past few months about our dissolving relationship, I realized that things that he said in the beginning weren’t actually true, about what he liked or what he didn’t. It wasn’t all that significant those early days because most people will in a budding relationship to endear themselves to the other. With this disclosure that he was pretty much wearing a mask and trying to be “normal” and being what he thought I wanted him to be, it all makes sense now. It answers so many of the questions and confusions I experienced throughout this ride. I put to him continually throughout our relationship to tell me what was bothering him. Not what he thought I wanted to hear, but what he was truly feeling or wanted. I did it one more time today and we made that breakthrough. That’s what I wanted to hear, because that’s what he truly felt. I didn’t need him in front of me to know that much, because of the fact that it answered so many questions.
I was going through different emotions as I analyzed and analyzed and analyzed some more. The anger, the sorrow, the anger, the resentment, but it wasn’t until either yesterday or today that the anger disappeared as I came upon a realization that what he needed was healing. If this was a video game, I probably would have heard the sound of glass breaking. An epiphany!
To be perfectly honest, when I set the proposal to him today to take the romance out of our relationship but still keep in touch, so that he could deal with what he needed to without me to impede him girlfriend-style, there was a strength behind me. Almost telling me that this is it. This is right. Didn’t stop the tears and the snot from spilling forth, but it was a different type of crying. I was/am not so sad about our relationship ending as the fact that I failed in my mission. My heart breaks for his internal struggle leagues more than for us as a failed couple. It’s just too sad. I tried so hard to be the one to help him through, to be IT. My one goal in all of this was for him to be happy. I was successful, but in the end I couldn’t accomplish it all the way. It sounds too altruistic to be true, but I truly truly wanted that for him. A U.S veteran, a firefighter…he has had too much hardship in his life and deserves to be happy. That in an of itself doomed us from the beginning, I realize, but I wanted it anyways. I understand, of course, that people don’t change people. Situations do, events do, because ultimately it’s up to them.
God. I feel like I gave up. Threw in the towel. For someone who doesn’t ever give up. If I’d given up on Liana she’d be with someone else now. Took me 3 years to earn her full devotion and trust. That’s what…30ish years in their life?
I want badly for him to keep in touch with me. I care significantly about what happens to him. I feel like he needs me more now than ever, having revealed to me and himself the real cause of all this pain. I told him that if he doesn’t check in every so often that I’ll come find him myself. If he needs me I’d drop everything and come running. Most importantly for me, I told him that I’ll love him forever. I’ve been saying it the whole relationship and I mean every word. He refused to let my hanging on to him get in the way of my future and I’m not desperate enough to let it impede my goals, but it still doesn’t change that I love him and his family. One day when he figures himself out, maybe he can find me if I’m still available? It was never about someone else. I already knew that, because he’s not that kind of person.
Hah…for someone who didn’t divulge much in terms of feelings to me, I certainly know so much about him.
Oh man, I don’t know how much of this post makes any sense. I think it’s just a bunch of feelings thrown in there. I cry for us, for him, for me. But then again, I’ve cried more for us in our relationship than is necessary, methinks.
If you were to examine our relationship from start to finish you would see a clear path and a clear difference. We started out emotionally charged in every way. He was explosive in anger. Our fights were crazy in the beginning. Then everything started smoothing out. The fights became less fights than arguments. The arguments evolved into discussions. Our last exchange here, was so calm. Moreso than I was prepared for. He’s a different person now in many aspects than when I first met him. For better and worse, but ultimately more better. I take solace in that fact, that I made a difference.
What is for sure, though, is that he was not a mistake. It was a huge gamble to jump into the relationship to begin with, and I hate gambles because the risk for pain is high, but I did. And I regret nothing. These last 2 years were not a waste in the least, for either of us. I don’t care what conclusions he comes up with. They weren’t. He was not a mistake. I may hang on to him, but it’s not because I invested too much (which I did because for me, it’s all or nothing. No in between). It’s because I truly love him. I feel bad too, but that’s still not a good enough reason to hang on to him.
Oh life. My life. Why does everything have to be so hard. Nothing I have to do is simple. It’s always complicated. As Mother Teresa once said, I know God won’t give me anything I can’t accomplish…but I wish he didn’t trust me so much. Something to that effect. As I get older, I realize that my job on this earth is to help people. I get the toughest patients. The hardest dogs. I help them, they get better, then they die, or leave me. But I guess that pleasure is in the time they had that was carefree, alleviated. It’s worth it, even with the pain. I told my family that I think from now on, I’ll only have dogs that need my help.
Damn. That makes this whole thing worse, because I did fail in the end.
Ah well. I’ll continue to be there for him, whether he likes it or not. I hope he will take me up on it, though, because I mean it.
I love you Matt. Forever.