A song to recognize

About 6 months ago around this time, I broke up with my boyfriend. In many ways I can’t believe it has only been 6 months and yet in others it felt like it was ages ago. There is still pain, regret, sadness and a little resentment thrown in there. Okay, so maybe more than just a little. No matter what, there’s no taking it back and in truth, I’m glad for the whole experience. The nostalgia is real and wound, while healed is a sensitive scar. I think of him less often than before, but I can’t help but be reminded of him in day to day life: the sound of sirens, walking through my home, taking my dogs around the neighborhood, etc. Just yesterday I became overly emotional while on the couch by myself and a commercial came one where if he’d been there he would have made fun of it in such a way and I would laugh and hug him. I miss those magical arms of his and wrapping mine around his body. I remembered that this time last year, I stayed overnight at his place.

I doubt he thinks of me and if he does it’s probably with spite and horrible resentment. I do hope things are going well for him and he found someone else who has the patience he needs.

Anyways. In honor of our 6-month breakup, I dedicate this song to him. It perfectly sums up my feelings at the very end of our relationship.

You Don’t See Me

(as seen in “Josie and the Pussycats”)

This is the place where I sit
This is the part where
I love you too much
Is this as hard as it gets?
‘Cause I’m getting tired
Of pretending I’m tough
I’m here if you want me
I’m yours, you can hold me
I’m empty and aching and
Tumbling and breakin’
‘Cause you don’t see me
And you don’t need me
And you don’t love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could

I dream of worlds
Where you’d understand
And I dream a
Million sleepless nights
I dream of fire when
You’re touching my hand
But it twists into smoke
When I turn on the light
I’m speechless and faded
It’s too complicated
Is this how the book ends,
Nothing but good friends?

‘Cause you don’t see me
And you don’t need me
And you don’t love me
The way I wish you would

This is the place in my heart
This is the place where
I’m falling apart
Isn’t this just where we met?
And is this the last chance
That I’ll ever get?
I wish I was lonely
Instead of just only
Crystal and see-through
And not enough to you

‘Cause you don’t see me
And you don’t need me
And you don’t love me
The way I wish you would

‘Cause you don’t see me
And you don’t need me
And you don’t love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could



So after talking to Gamer Guy last night, I realized I was being a jerk to him. These darn online interactions again. Apparently at this point in time all I want to do is push people away from me. I’ve been doing it all around, so it’s not just him. For him, I just wanted to paint for him a different light of me. My ex thought the same thing about me in the beginning too, as GG was telling me what he thought of me last night: that I was just simply a really nice person. So I had to laugh and break it to him that, no, I really am not that nice of a person, actually. Not only that, but I have these crazy quirks, like, insane. Weird. Strange. Out of this world. Funky ideas that make people go “????” and I’m apparently in love with myself, though it’s more accurate to describe me as just “I-know-myself-very-very-well.” When EX found out that , in fact, I’m not all that nicey-nicey, I think he had to rethink his view of me.

You know, come to think of it, I’ve asked several times of different people, if they ever noticed my true feelings about things; For instance, back when Adrienne (God rest her soul) was harassing me at work for 3-6 months and now with Idiot at work, I asked around if anyone ever noticed the sour relationships, but nope, they never could. Sometimes my boss thinks I’m realllllly upset at her when I was merely irritated and got over it a long time ago. Maybe I’m hard to read? Or I’ve mastered the art of putting on a face? EX all the way through to the end and even after (which triggered my on-going resentment of him) had this weird persona that he made up for me that is nothing at all like the real me…I’ve been thinking that he was just crazy in his own made-up world, but maybe that’s not it! Maybe….maybe what think I’m projecting to the world is completely different than what everyone else is seeing?

Is it falsified idealism on everyone else’s part, where they want so bad for me to be this benevolent Goddess-like saint, or is it that my acting is just good? Too good?

I like to think that I project my true emotions most of the time…if I don’t like someone, good gravy, they know it. It’s true that I have to be professional for my patients no matter what strong emotions are roiling inside of my soul pit…is it…too much?

The only people that know me for realz are my family (constantly accusing me of having split personality) and more and more, my close coworkers…though my one coworker thinks that I’m this dog guru which I’m not…really. I’m not. These are my first dogs. I’ve worked with others, but these are the only ones I’ve ever owned. Once again, is it just my ability to sway and persuade people?


Also, maybe I have a fear of social situations. I’m always brushing off social interaction invitations when deep inside I want to. It’s stressful for some reason. I know I’ll have a good time if I go, but  it’s….scary for lack of a better word.

I’m late now.


I need to plug in my laptop

But it’s all the way downstairs….

Just finished scrolling through my newsfeed which I’ve been trying not to do as much of in Fbook for several reasons including the skew of social media (or any media really), dumb people’s comments and click bait spurring people into emotions. I mean, given social media and the life we live in now, running your life on pure emotion is encouraged, practiced, and honed to perfection. It’s important to care about people and things, but just like everything else in life, there’s a limit to how much to care. Too little and you become selfish and inhumane, too much and you become incredibly easy to be offended and outraged and jump to conclusions. Mix the two together and it doesn’t equal out, in fact, I feel like that’s what the internet is. Nature strives for balance, and humans are not immune, so in our own sometimes twisted logic, we “balance” our negativity with “reason” or “logic.” Now…is that logic sound? You can convince yourself of anything, really. Many times when I *shudder* read internet comments I find that half of the people merely read the headline or title but not the article itself and yet still wish to express their uneducated and uninformed opinions. This is already evident in product reviews. There was a funny “Amazing World of Gumball” episode yesterday parodying just this about the internet. People use their emotions to be outraged about a topic without fully understanding the gist of it, then when they are refuted, or their fallacy is pointed out, they pull on emotions again instead of stopping to think and admit that, yes, I was wrong to not probe more deeply into the matter. Now if that if it had been an in person argument, the internet flaming tirades would never have made it that far, because we are in-person, well, people, and missing that defensive, face-shielding barrier of the internet. I’m not even talking anonymity, just the disconnect and inability to read body and tonal language.

Hah…I should know. My failed relationship was 70% faceless, emotion-based, internet interaction, complete with misinterpretation, and volatile, impersonal arguments and comments that had it been in person would never have been said or felt. Interestingly, there was a development of persuasion and neutrality as it went on to prevent such volatile behavior, but that ultimately backfired too, because neutrality or perceived indifference can be (and was) even more painful than passionate flames.

According to this article I just read, an expert on communication reports that only 7% of communication is verbal. 50-some percent is body language and the rest is tonal. Well, there you go. Just backing up my argument with numbers. And staggering numbers at that. Even I was surprised at how little the verbal portion encompasses and I’m all about reading body cues. No wonder we failed and no wonder the internet flame wars will never end.

Speaking of which, this month is 5 months from my breakup date. It feels like it has been a year at least, but I’ve only hit 5 months. Guh. There was a cute new patient at work the other day about my age. He was half-Japanese, intelligent, calm, and judging by his body language, interested in me. He studied my ring-less finger, was unable to make eye contact with me for too long, and would steal glances at my face/eyes as I was working. I have to admit that my heart was racing a little too and feeling more giddy than usual, but I kept my professionalism because it is unethical for a professional to get into a relationship with a patient. It’s very much frowned upon, actually. And the kicker and somewhat proof I wasn’t making it up? As I lay him back to get started, he asked me if I was from around the area. Hey, man, that’s my line for my patients!! My patients never ask me that first and not that quickly that’s for sure. The funny thing is that I was about to ask him just that and it made me smile behind my mask. Damn professionalism. His calmness, intelligence, ability to admit that he doesn’t know something…that’s the kind of person I’m looking for. Oh well. He does live in MD, so eh. Sigh.

Without the Tree

Busy trying to sleep on a fall morning and realizing that the airplanes flying to the airport are much more noticeable now. It’s amazing how much trees benefit us, and of course we rarely notice anything until they’re gone. On the bright side, I have since stopped waking up with inflamed eyes, coughing, etc.

This week is sooo slowww and it’s about to go even more slowly because S is going to be gone today and tomorrow. B will be in her place and we all know how that goes…basically means that you have to start taking care of yourself.

Saturday will afford me some time to do yardwork for my place. I’ve been entertaining thoughts, again, about houses even though I’m well aware that it’s not going to happen anytime soon. One can dream.

Q and I were talking about S and her boyfriend and if he’s going to propose at the wedding they’re going to. It should have happened last year this time, but I don’t know what’s going on in his mind. She’s been waiting and waiting and waiting. We’ve discussed a few times about how she doesn’t deserve someone like him, despite how much she loves him, because she’s so vivacious and positive and happy, but he’s a bit of a reluctant stick in the mud. Being his hygienist, I learn a lot about a core of a person and I can glean and extract information in a wholly innocent way. He’s better than he was, much more mature now than at first, but he’s still got the give-up attitude where he’ll say anything, agree to anything you want him to say as opposed to being true to what HE wants and HIS own feelings. The bamboo syndrome that affects so many. That drives me crazy. They just moved into a house (2-year rent) and she was so excited about it given the fact that they can save money and mostly for their dog (he’s so proud and loves the dog so much) but he really didn’t want to, preferring instead to rent an apartment, despite the numbers and overall advantages and benefits of doing so. It really bothered me that he couldn’t see it, and I’d posited my suspicions to S, where she got upset at me, but hey, I say it as I see it. Eventually, of course, he told her (after some furious back and forth) that he was really excited to be moving into a house. As usual, it left me wondering what his true feelings are. Q and I discuss, but it’s not our life, so we just hope for the best.

Anyways, all that discussion had me jump into voicing to another person for the first time what exactly went wrong with my own relationship. I explained to her that I feel like it might be a little bit like that where it’s a one-sided relationship, but how much of that is the difference between females and males? Mine was so purely one-sided, I’m sure no one else can beat that. Except maybe my dad. Huh. Well…he resembled my dad in so many ways it wasn’t funny. S’s bf does care for her, though, that much I’m positive. It’s the little things, you know? I just, couldn’t be with someone who cared so little about me and so much about himself. I explained to Q that I wasn’t trying to get in his way, but if I did matter at all, it would have worked because he would have made it work. And that focus problem he claimed he had, you can’t get around it because it’s going to be like that forever. I guess you either learn how to balance priorities or you don’t. And the worst part is: if he knew he just didn’t love me anymore, why prolong it? Why extend the lie? Who else benefits but himself. Why not just tell me? It’s always been about him. All 2 years. On both sides.

It feels good to let things out. I do it plenty on here, but in person it’s even more therapeutic.

I wish I could forget. But I can’t. Damn brain.

Gorgeous gorgeous clear sky!

It’s the time of year to feel lonely again. I’ve been super talkative to my patients too. I guess I’m back! Haha. It’s amazing what vacations can do for you.

Almost 2 months

Has it only been that long? MAN it feels like it has been at least 6 months. Aside from the sudden clarity of hindsight, one major difference I found in myself is that my intelligence is coming back to me. Haha. My command of the English language which has been in a massive decline (spelling, word choice, etc) is making a come back. Not only that but other cognitive functions are becoming more sharpened…or, really, re-sharpened, like creativity, reasoning, logic, and most importantly: curiosity. When my entire being was consumed with another person and devoting all resources there, nothing else mattered. I told him that my 2016 was him. An ENTIRE YEAR where I did absolutely nothing but think, breathe, cater, spend money, dream about him. A man. Something I’d been promising myself my whole life I would never do as a self-respecting and independent female.

Wow. I still refuse to tell myself it was a year or time of my life wasted, because no experience in life should be considered wasteful if you can learn. It’s just another part of the journey. Learn about yourself, learn skills, learn for future reference, learn to overcome and not be held back. No point in being bitter or resentful because that’s backwards-looking and will benefit you so minimally (it does help to alleviate pain to think like that, but only for the short-term). Instead, I just keep looking back on the old pictures that show up (and he untagged himself all in, but I will never untag myself), smile sadly to myself, and remember the good times. That’s how I prefer to remember him and us, even if he can’t bring himself to do the same. To each their own.

…I was thinking about him yesterday while working, because I have the entire day to think while I work. That’s how I realized that bitterness was forcing its way into my heart even though I refuse to let it take hold. He wanted SO BADLY to have a normal life, a normal girlfriend, a normal family…just normalcy. Unfortunately for him, his family is not average, with lots of drama, his early life was fill of drama, his life in general has not been “normal,” he’s been divorced (though one can argue the normalcy there), and I am certainly not a normal girl. Even his career now cannot be considered normal or average. I remember in the beginning he wanted my family to adopt him and let him live in our house because his family was/is so messed up and we seemed like a happy, normal family. I could never make him understand that normalcy is relative. I mean, who doesn’t want a happy, normal life with your average problems and ample resources? Never too poor that you can’t afford dinner, never too many home problems that you hate each other, a decent job, a loving spouse to come home to, and being able to enjoy life as you like it.

That desire of his is why I made it my goal to make him happy and brought about my ultimate doom. Our goals were all wrong from the start. It was all for him, for one, and he even admitted how one sided our relationship had always been, so of course I’m going to fight for me and he couldn’t take that. And what does it all boil down to? I could be blameful and say pure selfishness, while being completely correct, but the real and true problem was and is that happiness and fulfillment and peace comes only from within. Life is as you make it. The meaning of life and everything is 42. If you want to be happy it starts within yourself. You can only receive through giving. I tried so very hard to make him see compassion (serious failure there from me, but maybe he’ll learn it in his work), generosity (God knows how generous I was to him and will even now through all of it, never ask for money or anything back. Maybe one day he’ll remember exactly how much I gave him. I don’t regret giving him any of it either because all I ever wanted was to see him smile and happy), the value of money (different topic of discussion there), the goodness inside of him for self-confidence (I think I made some progress there…), and love. Love love love. So much love, as much as I could muster, but it didn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what I did, it’s all up to him to recognize. His family and everyone can try and give him the tools but he has to make use of it. I wish and pray and hope that he does.

LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT, PEOPLE!!! Not what others can give you, but what you can give to others.

There. I’ve Done It.

I am now 100% rid of M.

I texted him last night about returning his belongings because why in the hell was he not responding to me. He responded with I don’t know what belongings you’re talking about, and that for my information they had a failed cpr last night. I texted him this morning about his clothes and his beret and stuff and he started getting annoyed telling me to just trash everything and he didn’t want to deal with anything this week because someone just died on him last night. That’s when I started getting annoyed because holy crap then WHEN am I supposed to do this? He’s been giving me excuses excuses and more excuses. And not to be disrespectful, cold and mean, but unfortunately, that’s going to be your reality and you knew it going in. Even now, after all this time he still has yet to figure out how to deal with stresses, shrug them off, not internalize them, find an outlet, not take things personally. I understand that trying to revive someone and having them die on you underneath your hands is extremely awful and once again I have terrible timing, and I was willing to let it go another week, but I could sense the underlying current and I KNEW that if I didn’t pursue this now he would get more and more upset. That’s him and been him since I first knew him. One little stressful event and he’s out for and entire week or more. Can you imagine a big stressful event? Essentially there was, is and will be no “best time” to do this. Plus, I know he’s home and that it won’t sit out in the rain. Likely if I put it off he’d never respond to me again and I really and truly did not wish to involve his mom in this.

Speaking of rain, how appropriate that the sky is crying. He starts getting all upset and responding like an immature teenager. I could sense the immense grief behind his scathing words, but I had a goal. What about me, huh? I have to stare at these items of his every day. Every single day. I have more memories of him here in this house than he does of me at his. He forgot about them. Just like he’s so quick to forget everything. About me. Always has. Said things and would forget he said them. I tell him good, when he tells me to do what I want and I said I’m coming to drop them off of the doorstep and he FLIPS OUT and says that he’s going to leave and to not get his family involved with this. I’m like, OMFG who do think I am? You think that me, I, am going to come crawling with an insipid and demeaning ploy to SEE HIM???? Am I to come crawling back and trick him into seeing me??? OMFGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.

I was LIVID. So I leave and am driving super angry through the rain, drop off the bag, and text him saying how absolutely appalled I am at how little he knew and knows of me to think I am base enough to crawl back and cause drama. I had said over and over again that it was just a drop off, no seeing, no talking he didn’t want to hear it and kept thinking delusionally that I was trying to force him into seeing me because I knew he was home. I wished him a happy life and promised that he would never hear from me again. I took the long way home and sitting through traffic the tears just kept coming but mostly because now I understand exactly what he thought of me. I don’t know what kind of girls he had in the past but while I was seeing him he’d make these weird assumptions and generalizations about me, things that are “typical” of girls. He NEVER knew me. EVER. Even now he thinks I’d come back like his ex’s and try to mess up his life. No. NO. I am NOT that kind of person. I have integrity, pride and respect. How could he think so lowly of me after all this time?

It’s painful. More painful than anything we’ve been through up to now, to know that he KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT ME. About what kind of person I am. I told him that a couple times when we were together, but it never got through.

You can’t. CAN’T. help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. He’s trapped in his mind, in his past, in his ways and nothing can bring him out. That’s why I gave up. I did. I admit it now. I gave up.

Keep thinking that way, man. Be bitter. Be mad. No other relationship ever in your life will ever be successful unless you give it up.

I get it now. I get why anger is essential after a failed relationship. I tried so DAMN HARD to be cordial, to understand for him, be civil, to try and be adult and mature, but it was a mistake. A bloody mistake. Because he’s still a petulant child who never grew up, and probably never will.

You know what the last thing he texted back to me after I wished him a happy life and said goodbye? He said: “whatever.” Like a kid throwing a hissy fit.

I’m done. I’m through. Immaturity at its finest. I will still strive to prevent myself from entertaining hate, loathing and resentment because they are toxic attitudes and detract from my growth. I will still look upon our past and memories with fondness because they were enjoyable and a happy part of my life.

Maybe now with the last factor out of the way, I can move on.

…I truly hope he can too.

Something so simple as returning articles made so horribly dramatic and difficult. And why? Misconceptions. Assumptions. Selfishness. Not everything is about you, ok? And until you realize that, nothing in life will work for you. That’s my caveat for any girl in his future, my advice. Be aware of his full blown selfishness. He thinks 85% of the time about himself and has no time for you. A taker and very infrequently a giver.

GOD. I WISH AND PRAY TO GOD that I not become like him nor that I let this negativity permeate me and my future.

I keep returning to that question I keep asking, “Can men and women just be friends?” And I say, no, not after a relationship. Unless the two are that cooperative and have the same level of maturity and respect for each other.

Time to drown myself in video games.

July 3

It’s the Monday right before July 4th this year. I have off all week and have no plans to do anything at all. Originally I was supposed to go down and try to get as much yard work done as possible because I’m running out of time to get things done before next year, but one, it’s HOT and two, I have no money to be spending on things like that right now. Apparently, it works out, because sister texts me today saying that his mom is probably coming down to visit. -_-;; Nothing about her coming to visit, and it works out anyways, but still it’s like, well, if I had planned on coming that wouldn’t be the best would it? So inconvenient.

I keep biting the inside of my lip/cheek area…sometimes my canines do that. Darn occlusion.

The plan for the week is to stay as low-key as possible. I’m hiding in the house as a safeguard against things happening to me. It makes me restless, but I don’t want anything else to happen right now. Saturday saw me doing online errands where I finally got all of my banks and finances and passwords and accounts and stuff in order. I had one bank account that I hadn’t been able to get into for 2 years so I finally called in (after being on hold forever) and after gaining access was happily surprised to find that I had much more money there than I originally thought. Woohoo! Unfortunately it was balanced out by my HSA account being suddenly closed. It was through Payflex and some quick Google-ing found that Payflex accounts tend to be a bit of a scam. People will put money into them for their FSA or whatever and the company then refuses to pay out despite proper documentation. Thankfully I didn’t put as much as I wanted in there, so I only lost $200 but that’s a payment for my debts, you know? $200 is a lot for someone who is in financial distress. That’s 2 dog vaccines, half a year’s dog preventative, payment for the fridge or the patio, a month’s worth of groceries… I decided that it’s not worth fighting someone over the phone for, though. All of my accounts withdrew money today so my bank account is back to being very small. I was waiting for that to happen, though, because I plan on paying the rest of the beach trip after everything has been withdrawn, so I need to move money around again. That way, that payment is out of my hair and I can focus on dealing with debt and moving forward, dog vaccines and house stuff, and paying my brother back for the tires.

I was so proud of myself for facing my finances, that I didn’t accomplish anything else in the last 3 days besides moving my rooms around again and doing my buttload of laundry. Sometime this week I need to address the lawn which is dying of thirst. Aside from those errands, I thought I’d entertain myself by teaching myself how to sew given that I can’t spend any more money and the sewing machine has been sitting around for several years. Why not. YouTube and I will be friends. When I get tired of that I might clean out the freezer and the pantry or just play old video games. Sigh. So exciting.

The only other thing that needs to get done is returning M’s belongings. It’s still an enigma why he won’t get back to me at all. I made the decision to wait because this is the July 4th holiday and he’ll be busy. I’d told him that I’d be off this week. If I don’t hear anything by Thursday, then I will text him back and tell him I’m going to drop off his stuff on his doorstep. Trying to decide if I should text his mom too, just to make sure it doesn’t just sit out there in the elements. I’ve had lots of time to think about why he won’t respond and the only thing I can really think of aside from him not caring, is that he doesn’t want to. He did mention, when I proposed we break up, that he thought I wanted a break. No honey, a break up. Not just a break. I guess it’s been only a month and a half. Come to think of it I haven’t seen him online at all…either that or he blocked me on everything. More reason to text his mom if I can’t contact him. First to make sure he’s OK, and then to give back his things. I’m sure he’s fine. I just…can’t hope to progress to a decent level of healing when I see his belongings every day and remember the moment, the day, the time I came into possession of them.

I’m so much better now when I see fire trucks, or hear sirens and even when I see the Facebook Memories thing. I just smile and remember and move on. Same with sad songs. There are nights that it’s too much for me and I still cry, thinking about how it went wrong, what I did or didn’t do to make it crash, but I overcome those moments much more quickly. My family stopped mentioning him, thank goodness. Dang it. There those tears go again. It’ll pass soon. Honestly, as much as I’ve been planning out meeting with him to return his stuff, what I will say, what I’ll do, how to say goodbye, I realized the other night that if it doesn’t go to script (and what in real life does?) I’m going to break down and leave in tears instead. In that, maybe it’s better I just leave it at his doorstep like a coward, telling myself it’s his fault for not wanting to see me that I have to do it that way. God forbid I see his mom because it’d be even worse…for both of us. The truth is, I’ll never get over him and I know that. I’ve known that. Just have to try my best, accept that, and keep going.

I realized that the reason he is so different now than he was when I first met him, is because from that moment until now, he’s been on a quest to understanding who he is. The army told him what to do, when to do it, and how to operate. Getting out of the army he was lost. It was hard to find a job, adjust to civilian life, just thrown out there, so he adopted a persona he thought was acceptable to society and went with it. Throw into the mix his divorce, family issues, depression (PTSD) and never having had a stable, adjusted childhood to begin with and you have the perfect storm. You’ve got to admire his push to survive though. Too bad he never did deal well with stress. It explains all of the incongruities about him. He’d say things but act differently, tell me things and then forget about them…it confused me. A lot. I’m grateful for my people reading skills because I’ve always relied on that more than what people tell me.  I just…had the privilege of being his stepping stone…the one who helped him on his journey to finding out who he really is, what his purpose in life is, to understand and accept himself, what he likes, wants and doesn’t.

Lucky me.

Now, it’s easy to say “why me?” and believe me, I’ve asked that plenty, but it’s just as right to think it almost an honor. I’ve helped this guy. And I have. I’ve given him so many different viewpoints, experiences, and ideas than he’s ever had. Do you really think a guy like him has ever met someone like me? HAHA…I’m not sure if many have ever  met a person like me…I guess I am rather unique in ideas and thoughts and how I go about life. I’ve challenged him relentlessly and yet at the same time loved him like no one has ever loved him before. As I do for most people, I turn perceptions on their heads with my own distinct flair. He isn’t now the person I met 2 years ago…in many ways.

On the other side of the coin, he’s opened my mind and eyes to things I never knew nor experienced before. He was also my stepping stone to learning what I want and who I am. I daresay I, too, am a different person than I was 2 years ago…for better and worse.

The last thing I want is to hold him in contempt, in resentment. It’s so easy to do, too. I’ll strive to push those thoughts from my mind because I care so much about him, even if he doesn’t return it…and possibly hasn’t for quite some time. My memory of him is impossible to erase because almost everything reminds me of our time together. I want them to be focused on the happy and fun.

No matter what, I really do need to return his things. Why won’t you respond…why won’t you just tell me what you want or feel? Why is it so hard…? They’re just your feelings. Accept them because running away won’t solve anything. I don’t want to do this the mean way. I don’t want to make you more stressed out, but I have a feeling you won’t leave me with a choice.