Category: relationships

Tuesday yet again

Had a great time last night trying not to scratch the heck out of my ant bites! The big one on my wrist that I seem allergic to is now rather multilobulated (for lack of better terminology) and just as itchy as ever. The ones around my ankles have grown too and more are showing today than yesterday. Unfortunately for me, they rub on my shoes whenever I walk. Ugh.

Remember that Escape Room game I was raving about yesterday? Well. I got to an extremely annoying level that made me so nauseous I was messed up for the rest of the day. Had to go take a nap to chase it away. Ugh. Now I don’t know if I can finish it.

Made wings last night with dipping sauces and I can’t believe it took me all this time to figure out how to make a really good fried chicken. Now I know! Even if it was bland. Also learned that trying to marinate frozen wings is a terrible idea because it doesn’t work.

This Saturday is my cousin’s wedding. I really don’t want to go, but I have to. Ugh. Man, I really hate weddings. I was able to get out of going to 3 of them this year, but I can’t dodge this one, sadly. Of course, it’s in the worst possible place too. Poor parking, poor driving. Man I hate these things.

All of the weddings this year really bring to light the scope of my negativity and pessimism about relationships in general. I say that I’m fine, but obviously deep down I’m not. I have seen and continue to watch as supposedly happy unions fizzle and fail all around me. My own, my parents, my relatives, and I think most bothersome to me: all the ones at work. I’ve been there long enough to watch the kids and families grow up, and it’s always so awful to watch the divorces occur and the effect they have on these families. The kids. The only real losers in any divorce are the kids. Now, all I can see, and all I seem to want to look out for, are signs that they won’t work. My heart was stone before my relationship, then it melted and I felt like it would never harden again, but I was wrong. It didn’t return to being a rock, it turned into steel. I can’t feel good or happy for anyone (except one of my friends) because I don’t see any of them working out. My inclination to dissect and analyze things extend greatly into the area of relationships. I’ve wondered if maybe I’m jealous of my friends for getting married and finding the thing I can’t, but I don’t think that’s the case. I think my problem is more that I care too much about them, and that I can only accept the best for those I worry for. All I can see are the flaws, the incongruencies, the potential risk for the future.

And perhaps this is the exact reason why I can’t get a relationship to work out. Why I can’t find someone. My rigidity and exacting expectations knows no bounds. When the requirements are that high, it’s bound to fail. I remember myself making concessions, re-thinking my morals to accommodate those of my partner in order to make it work. Looking back on it, that’s a surefire sign of disaster because I know myself. And other people are like that too. It’s a farce we can’t play for a prolonged period of time. Maybe I could if I were 10 years younger. That’s the benefit of being young: you’re supple. Everything about you is flexible.

That’s what I’ve been trying to convince myself about my cousin’s marriage. They’re young. Really young. And I get his fears. But I also know what kind of changes occur when that brain finally starts to mature around 30 years old. When it all starts to become so rigid, set and hard to bend. It happened to my parents, and it’s happening to my patients. Maybe there’s a use-by date for marriages with kids: 10-13 years? That’s about the average in my patient pool. My parents’ relationship soured around that mark too. The childless marriages hardly ever fail. The large-gap marriages fail and badly.

I listen and observe my two co-workers who were married this year. They’re different from each other, the relationships and my vantage point as a 3rd party is beneficial to speculate into the future. I need to stop being so critical, though. I need to be happy for them. Or…at least try.

 

Advertisements

yaaa

So when I woke up on Tuesday morning I was extremely tired despite having a seemingly fit-less night. Only 2 other things were very strange to me and they were that I had the longest continuing dream that I can remember to this date (see Resident Weirdo blog for details) and that I had a cut on the inside of my arm that ended in a pin bruise like I took something and cut myself before jamming it into my arm or I scratched up against a thorn–both of which I know for certain that I could not have done the night before. Then the first thing out of my mom’s mouth was, “did you walk around last night.” It all made sense but it’s creepy and worrisome. I did it when I was little, but I can’t believe I still do it now. There are other episodes where I think that I slept walked, but I couldn’t be sure–things like waking up with the bottom of my feet hurting as if I’d been walking, running or jumping all night, muscle pain inconsistent with any activity I had been doing the day before, and most telling, inexplicable bruises and abrasions. Sometimes they were quite decent. I’d joked about setting up a camera to record what I do at night, but I always ended up not doing that one because it’s expensive to have a long-recording camera which also needs a hard drive, and honestly I’m a bit afraid of what I’d see. What if I’m being possessed or abducted by aliens or worse, what if I’m doing really embarrassing things? Some things are better not known, but it’s been happening with a frequency that I’m getting worried.

Liana started coming into my room at night because of this, I think. It seems that she can tell if I’m about to do something. When she’s in my room I don’t walk as much. And if I dream about my dogs, I don’t walk either. That’s what’s worrisome…am I actually dream traveling too? Having the dream log really helps narrow things down. What a burden to be a living dream catcher. And what’s wrong with my mind and soul that it travels or is possessed or whatever. Anyways, in light of all of this, I think I might buy a camera after all. At some point. When I have extra cash. Which means several months in my future.

I’m sure the instant I get one, I’ll stop doing it. It’s not like I can know when I’m going to walk.

The males that I’ve kept in touch with are starting to perk up again. Must be the spring time or whatever. This one friend that I’ve long, since the beginning, told him I’m not attracted to him because we would just never get along started asking me weird questions that obviously meant that he was thinking about me as potential wife material again. Cue the eye roll. I’ve told him many times I’m not interested and we only just keep messaging each other because he said he doesn’t have many other friends. He’s a decent enough guy and I check in with him every so often as he’s in Kuwait with the Dept of Defense. However, he is NOT boyfriend material for me. I just like him as a friend, although at this point, it’s obvious that men and women can not be just friends in my life. In fact, from the very beginning and it hasn’t changed now, he makes me mad if I talk to him for too long. Like a naïve commenter that always makes me irritated. Others have started rearing their heads and apparently I still have accounts on some dating sites, so one in particular messaged me and I went to check it out, but I don’t pay for it, so I can’t see the messages. He answered my “questions” with all the same answers as me which was kind of interesting because most people don’t. He’s down South where my house is. And he’s Catholic. Wow. A little too perfect, don’t you think? I realized that all these dudes kept hitting up my account and so the best way to really test them out is to post real pictures of myself (the pics there were over 2 years old and therefore very misleading) with my very manly hair. Hah. Let’s see who messages who now. I really and truly have no intention of changing my hair for anyone. I like what I like.

Speaking of which, I’m not even all that interested in finding a new boyfriend at this point. Thinking about all of this, I’ve come to the exact same conclusion for the last several months: I’m actually happy now. Again. If I get into a relationship again, I’ll have to be in that glowy, sparkly, lovey state once more. There will be obligations and money and time and worry and such. How many people would be OK with me straight binging Monster Hunter from 9am to 6pm? I don’t like movies too much. I LOVE dogs, but I feel very strongly about discipline. My dogs are my life, it’s all for them. I don’t work full time. Right now I’m living with my mom and brother. I own a house but not in this area. I am such a paradox in so many ways. I sleep walk and am sleepily violent too.  I’m analytical. I have interesting theories about things. I read body language, and auras and believe in weird crap like dream traveling and ghosts and such, while being definitely Catholic. I think think think. I have a serious temper that is awful in the car. And really, I LIKE being able to sleep in a bed by myself. The peace and quiet of no one else in the room with me, no snoring, no lights, no nothing. I’m also supremely confident in myself which always translates to “too intense” and males are very turned off by it. Males don’t like when I can beat them at things. Or know more than them. Or can unravel their logic. Or speak my true mind.

Maybe I should find a woman. Lol.

A song to recognize

About 6 months ago around this time, I broke up with my boyfriend. In many ways I can’t believe it has only been 6 months and yet in others it felt like it was ages ago. There is still pain, regret, sadness and a little resentment thrown in there. Okay, so maybe more than just a little. No matter what, there’s no taking it back and in truth, I’m glad for the whole experience. The nostalgia is real and wound, while healed is a sensitive scar. I think of him less often than before, but I can’t help but be reminded of him in day to day life: the sound of sirens, walking through my home, taking my dogs around the neighborhood, etc. Just yesterday I became overly emotional while on the couch by myself and a commercial came one where if he’d been there he would have made fun of it in such a way and I would laugh and hug him. I miss those magical arms of his and wrapping mine around his body. I remembered that this time last year, I stayed overnight at his place.

I doubt he thinks of me and if he does it’s probably with spite and horrible resentment. I do hope things are going well for him and he found someone else who has the patience he needs.

Anyways. In honor of our 6-month breakup, I dedicate this song to him. It perfectly sums up my feelings at the very end of our relationship.

You Don’t See Me

(as seen in “Josie and the Pussycats”)

This is the place where I sit
This is the part where
I love you too much
Is this as hard as it gets?
‘Cause I’m getting tired
Of pretending I’m tough
I’m here if you want me
I’m yours, you can hold me
I’m empty and aching and
Tumbling and breakin’
‘Cause you don’t see me
And you don’t need me
And you don’t love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could

I dream of worlds
Where you’d understand
And I dream a
Million sleepless nights
I dream of fire when
You’re touching my hand
But it twists into smoke
When I turn on the light
I’m speechless and faded
It’s too complicated
Is this how the book ends,
Nothing but good friends?

‘Cause you don’t see me
And you don’t need me
And you don’t love me
The way I wish you would

This is the place in my heart
This is the place where
I’m falling apart
Isn’t this just where we met?
And is this the last chance
That I’ll ever get?
I wish I was lonely
Instead of just only
Crystal and see-through
And not enough to you

‘Cause you don’t see me
And you don’t need me
And you don’t love me
The way I wish you would

‘Cause you don’t see me
And you don’t need me
And you don’t love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could

Bluh

So after talking to Gamer Guy last night, I realized I was being a jerk to him. These darn online interactions again. Apparently at this point in time all I want to do is push people away from me. I’ve been doing it all around, so it’s not just him. For him, I just wanted to paint for him a different light of me. My ex thought the same thing about me in the beginning too, as GG was telling me what he thought of me last night: that I was just simply a really nice person. So I had to laugh and break it to him that, no, I really am not that nice of a person, actually. Not only that, but I have these crazy quirks, like, insane. Weird. Strange. Out of this world. Funky ideas that make people go “????” and I’m apparently in love with myself, though it’s more accurate to describe me as just “I-know-myself-very-very-well.” When EX found out that , in fact, I’m not all that nicey-nicey, I think he had to rethink his view of me.

You know, come to think of it, I’ve asked several times of different people, if they ever noticed my true feelings about things; For instance, back when Adrienne (God rest her soul) was harassing me at work for 3-6 months and now with Idiot at work, I asked around if anyone ever noticed the sour relationships, but nope, they never could. Sometimes my boss thinks I’m realllllly upset at her when I was merely irritated and got over it a long time ago. Maybe I’m hard to read? Or I’ve mastered the art of putting on a face? EX all the way through to the end and even after (which triggered my on-going resentment of him) had this weird persona that he made up for me that is nothing at all like the real me…I’ve been thinking that he was just crazy in his own made-up world, but maybe that’s not it! Maybe….maybe what think I’m projecting to the world is completely different than what everyone else is seeing?

Is it falsified idealism on everyone else’s part, where they want so bad for me to be this benevolent Goddess-like saint, or is it that my acting is just good? Too good?

I like to think that I project my true emotions most of the time…if I don’t like someone, good gravy, they know it. It’s true that I have to be professional for my patients no matter what strong emotions are roiling inside of my soul pit…is it…too much?

The only people that know me for realz are my family (constantly accusing me of having split personality) and more and more, my close coworkers…though my one coworker thinks that I’m this dog guru which I’m not…really. I’m not. These are my first dogs. I’ve worked with others, but these are the only ones I’ve ever owned. Once again, is it just my ability to sway and persuade people?

I FEEL LIKE A CHARLATAN.

Also, maybe I have a fear of social situations. I’m always brushing off social interaction invitations when deep inside I want to. It’s stressful for some reason. I know I’ll have a good time if I go, but  it’s….scary for lack of a better word.

I’m late now.

 

I need to plug in my laptop

But it’s all the way downstairs….

Just finished scrolling through my newsfeed which I’ve been trying not to do as much of in Fbook for several reasons including the skew of social media (or any media really), dumb people’s comments and click bait spurring people into emotions. I mean, given social media and the life we live in now, running your life on pure emotion is encouraged, practiced, and honed to perfection. It’s important to care about people and things, but just like everything else in life, there’s a limit to how much to care. Too little and you become selfish and inhumane, too much and you become incredibly easy to be offended and outraged and jump to conclusions. Mix the two together and it doesn’t equal out, in fact, I feel like that’s what the internet is. Nature strives for balance, and humans are not immune, so in our own sometimes twisted logic, we “balance” our negativity with “reason” or “logic.” Now…is that logic sound? You can convince yourself of anything, really. Many times when I *shudder* read internet comments I find that half of the people merely read the headline or title but not the article itself and yet still wish to express their uneducated and uninformed opinions. This is already evident in product reviews. There was a funny “Amazing World of Gumball” episode yesterday parodying just this about the internet. People use their emotions to be outraged about a topic without fully understanding the gist of it, then when they are refuted, or their fallacy is pointed out, they pull on emotions again instead of stopping to think and admit that, yes, I was wrong to not probe more deeply into the matter. Now if that if it had been an in person argument, the internet flaming tirades would never have made it that far, because we are in-person, well, people, and missing that defensive, face-shielding barrier of the internet. I’m not even talking anonymity, just the disconnect and inability to read body and tonal language.

Hah…I should know. My failed relationship was 70% faceless, emotion-based, internet interaction, complete with misinterpretation, and volatile, impersonal arguments and comments that had it been in person would never have been said or felt. Interestingly, there was a development of persuasion and neutrality as it went on to prevent such volatile behavior, but that ultimately backfired too, because neutrality or perceived indifference can be (and was) even more painful than passionate flames.

According to this article I just read, an expert on communication reports that only 7% of communication is verbal. 50-some percent is body language and the rest is tonal. Well, there you go. Just backing up my argument with numbers. And staggering numbers at that. Even I was surprised at how little the verbal portion encompasses and I’m all about reading body cues. No wonder we failed and no wonder the internet flame wars will never end.

Speaking of which, this month is 5 months from my breakup date. It feels like it has been a year at least, but I’ve only hit 5 months. Guh. There was a cute new patient at work the other day about my age. He was half-Japanese, intelligent, calm, and judging by his body language, interested in me. He studied my ring-less finger, was unable to make eye contact with me for too long, and would steal glances at my face/eyes as I was working. I have to admit that my heart was racing a little too and feeling more giddy than usual, but I kept my professionalism because it is unethical for a professional to get into a relationship with a patient. It’s very much frowned upon, actually. And the kicker and somewhat proof I wasn’t making it up? As I lay him back to get started, he asked me if I was from around the area. Hey, man, that’s my line for my patients!! My patients never ask me that first and not that quickly that’s for sure. The funny thing is that I was about to ask him just that and it made me smile behind my mask. Damn professionalism. His calmness, intelligence, ability to admit that he doesn’t know something…that’s the kind of person I’m looking for. Oh well. He does live in MD, so eh. Sigh.

Without the Tree

Busy trying to sleep on a fall morning and realizing that the airplanes flying to the airport are much more noticeable now. It’s amazing how much trees benefit us, and of course we rarely notice anything until they’re gone. On the bright side, I have since stopped waking up with inflamed eyes, coughing, etc.

This week is sooo slowww and it’s about to go even more slowly because S is going to be gone today and tomorrow. B will be in her place and we all know how that goes…basically means that you have to start taking care of yourself.

Saturday will afford me some time to do yardwork for my place. I’ve been entertaining thoughts, again, about houses even though I’m well aware that it’s not going to happen anytime soon. One can dream.

Q and I were talking about S and her boyfriend and if he’s going to propose at the wedding they’re going to. It should have happened last year this time, but I don’t know what’s going on in his mind. She’s been waiting and waiting and waiting. We’ve discussed a few times about how she doesn’t deserve someone like him, despite how much she loves him, because she’s so vivacious and positive and happy, but he’s a bit of a reluctant stick in the mud. Being his hygienist, I learn a lot about a core of a person and I can glean and extract information in a wholly innocent way. He’s better than he was, much more mature now than at first, but he’s still got the give-up attitude where he’ll say anything, agree to anything you want him to say as opposed to being true to what HE wants and HIS own feelings. The bamboo syndrome that affects so many. That drives me crazy. They just moved into a house (2-year rent) and she was so excited about it given the fact that they can save money and mostly for their dog (he’s so proud and loves the dog so much) but he really didn’t want to, preferring instead to rent an apartment, despite the numbers and overall advantages and benefits of doing so. It really bothered me that he couldn’t see it, and I’d posited my suspicions to S, where she got upset at me, but hey, I say it as I see it. Eventually, of course, he told her (after some furious back and forth) that he was really excited to be moving into a house. As usual, it left me wondering what his true feelings are. Q and I discuss, but it’s not our life, so we just hope for the best.

Anyways, all that discussion had me jump into voicing to another person for the first time what exactly went wrong with my own relationship. I explained to her that I feel like it might be a little bit like that where it’s a one-sided relationship, but how much of that is the difference between females and males? Mine was so purely one-sided, I’m sure no one else can beat that. Except maybe my dad. Huh. Well…he resembled my dad in so many ways it wasn’t funny. S’s bf does care for her, though, that much I’m positive. It’s the little things, you know? I just, couldn’t be with someone who cared so little about me and so much about himself. I explained to Q that I wasn’t trying to get in his way, but if I did matter at all, it would have worked because he would have made it work. And that focus problem he claimed he had, you can’t get around it because it’s going to be like that forever. I guess you either learn how to balance priorities or you don’t. And the worst part is: if he knew he just didn’t love me anymore, why prolong it? Why extend the lie? Who else benefits but himself. Why not just tell me? It’s always been about him. All 2 years. On both sides.

It feels good to let things out. I do it plenty on here, but in person it’s even more therapeutic.

I wish I could forget. But I can’t. Damn brain.

Gorgeous gorgeous clear sky!

It’s the time of year to feel lonely again. I’ve been super talkative to my patients too. I guess I’m back! Haha. It’s amazing what vacations can do for you.

Almost 2 months

Has it only been that long? MAN it feels like it has been at least 6 months. Aside from the sudden clarity of hindsight, one major difference I found in myself is that my intelligence is coming back to me. Haha. My command of the English language which has been in a massive decline (spelling, word choice, etc) is making a come back. Not only that but other cognitive functions are becoming more sharpened…or, really, re-sharpened, like creativity, reasoning, logic, and most importantly: curiosity. When my entire being was consumed with another person and devoting all resources there, nothing else mattered. I told him that my 2016 was him. An ENTIRE YEAR where I did absolutely nothing but think, breathe, cater, spend money, dream about him. A man. Something I’d been promising myself my whole life I would never do as a self-respecting and independent female.

Wow. I still refuse to tell myself it was a year or time of my life wasted, because no experience in life should be considered wasteful if you can learn. It’s just another part of the journey. Learn about yourself, learn skills, learn for future reference, learn to overcome and not be held back. No point in being bitter or resentful because that’s backwards-looking and will benefit you so minimally (it does help to alleviate pain to think like that, but only for the short-term). Instead, I just keep looking back on the old pictures that show up (and he untagged himself all in, but I will never untag myself), smile sadly to myself, and remember the good times. That’s how I prefer to remember him and us, even if he can’t bring himself to do the same. To each their own.

…I was thinking about him yesterday while working, because I have the entire day to think while I work. That’s how I realized that bitterness was forcing its way into my heart even though I refuse to let it take hold. He wanted SO BADLY to have a normal life, a normal girlfriend, a normal family…just normalcy. Unfortunately for him, his family is not average, with lots of drama, his early life was fill of drama, his life in general has not been “normal,” he’s been divorced (though one can argue the normalcy there), and I am certainly not a normal girl. Even his career now cannot be considered normal or average. I remember in the beginning he wanted my family to adopt him and let him live in our house because his family was/is so messed up and we seemed like a happy, normal family. I could never make him understand that normalcy is relative. I mean, who doesn’t want a happy, normal life with your average problems and ample resources? Never too poor that you can’t afford dinner, never too many home problems that you hate each other, a decent job, a loving spouse to come home to, and being able to enjoy life as you like it.

That desire of his is why I made it my goal to make him happy and brought about my ultimate doom. Our goals were all wrong from the start. It was all for him, for one, and he even admitted how one sided our relationship had always been, so of course I’m going to fight for me and he couldn’t take that. And what does it all boil down to? I could be blameful and say pure selfishness, while being completely correct, but the real and true problem was and is that happiness and fulfillment and peace comes only from within. Life is as you make it. The meaning of life and everything is 42. If you want to be happy it starts within yourself. You can only receive through giving. I tried so very hard to make him see compassion (serious failure there from me, but maybe he’ll learn it in his work), generosity (God knows how generous I was to him and will even now through all of it, never ask for money or anything back. Maybe one day he’ll remember exactly how much I gave him. I don’t regret giving him any of it either because all I ever wanted was to see him smile and happy), the value of money (different topic of discussion there), the goodness inside of him for self-confidence (I think I made some progress there…), and love. Love love love. So much love, as much as I could muster, but it didn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what I did, it’s all up to him to recognize. His family and everyone can try and give him the tools but he has to make use of it. I wish and pray and hope that he does.

LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT, PEOPLE!!! Not what others can give you, but what you can give to others.