FRIDAY!

And I still have my girl. Yesterday was the first day I stopped giving her meds altogether. That’s about 7 days post initial emergency. He spirit is good, her temperament is back to normal and the lucidity of her mind is natural. She is still mostly careful, so I’m assuming it aches/hurts. When she stretches the front legs now she does it very carefully, and going up a long flight of stairs takes some thinking. I’m glad for that. Her realism is heartening…though I know I have to keep an eye on things because she does get excited and then forgets.

Was talking to my brother last night as my mom worked night and will do so again tonight. I enjoy the nights she’s not here because it gives me some semblance of living on my own, plus working out actually happens. Unfortunately, though, he’s gotten into this annoying habit in the recent months of being a pain to talk to in the sense that he’s become very outspoken and won’t let anyone talk but himself. While his tune has changed from extremely naïve to just being inexperienced in life events, he still hasn’t experienced anything in life. He tries to make up for it by learning concepts, but rarely in life does anything work out ideally. And damn can he talk now! I mean, I’ll take that over what he came from, the depressed, surly sheeple person, but good gravy. Wanting to talk and being over-enthusiastic about joining in conversation is a tiresome mix. Wearying, that’s what it is. Drains you. Add that to wanting  to do something but afraid or unwilling to try, and it just turns into this obnoxious and futile conversation playout.

Today is M’s birthday. I sent him a card with a wind-up butterfly that will “fly” out of the card the instant you open it. I put a rather generic yet personal message in it like I would for my sister or brother, and signed it my first name since he never could bring himself to call me the name I wanted him to. He texted me on Wed to say he almost had a heart attack which made me happy to hear that it worked. I can’t help but remember his birthday last year where they invited me to come as a surprise and I was busy working on my vanity at home. I unfollowed him for a little on Facebook the other day because every time he posts anything there it’s, well, painful for me to read. He just seems so much happier and lighter now and it irritates and hurts me at the same time. I guess, being with me weighed him down so much and now without me his life is more enjoyable. I figured that by not seeing the posts I wouldn’t feel so bad, but I realize I still need to know how he’s doing. Maybe one day I’ll be able to see them without feeling anything but neutral like my other friends. I noticed, though, that he stopped posting anything about his car ever since I said it as a jab when we broke up. His friends also didn’t care much for the posts either, but I still hold much contempt for his car. That’s really what pushed me over the edge to break up with him. It might be petty, but I can’t help but resent it. I tried so hard to be happy for him finally getting a car for himself and a car he used to love so much too, plus being able to do things for it like a project to keep him occupied given how much he likes cars, but I still can’t. He posted so many pictures of it, spent so much time cleaning it, making it nice, buying all sorts of things for it, taking care of it…and yet never posted more than one picture of me (that I can remember, and from behind too), and never spent much time other than the very beginning trying to take care of me. No, I can’t be OK with that car. It stood for everything that was wrong with us, and not just because guys love their cars either because I can understand that. Just like having another girl on the side.

I was held hostage in the bathtub today by a million legger. Lots of bugs in the house this year! Going to have to clean and declutter soon, methinks…

Ha

Father’s Day…

Too bad I never had fond memories of this day. I am happy for those who had a wonderful day venerating the ones who provided half of their chromosomes, truly I am, but for me? Nah. Only memories of ungratefulness, complaining and tension.

Spent all day playing video games again, mostly because it prevents me from spending money and honestly what else do I have? I technically have the ability to do something more productive with my time, more creative, but none of that is appealing to me given my mood lately. I have ideas, but they’re just that.

On the Liana front, she was very happy today! She roached, wipey-faced, stretched a bit, and even went to tear a box! I played a tiny bit with her this morning because I was playing with Gable and she wanted to play, but remembered that she couldn’t, so I found a squirrel toy and she played a bit. I…still feel awful about what will happen after we run out of medications. She has this potentially false positivity to life again and it will be many times worse if it all goes to hell again. So tonight, I decided to try not giving her 2 of the medications. I only gave Rimadyl. We shall see what happens, though I know that it will take more than 12 hours for them to out of her system fully. Maybe she’ll be able to sleep better. If she was a human at least she would understand that after the medications things might still not ever be the same…but she’s not. She’s a dog and I can’t make her understand. I wish I could. I mean, even with the medications she’ll still forget and scream…she did that today after all those cute things she was able to do again because she stretched just wrong and cried until mama came to rub her shoulder again. I keep telling her to take it easy and be careful, but…how to make her understand. Sigh.

This biological clock won’t leave me alone. Guh. Why is it so prevalent? Probably doesn’t help when I play video games like Mass Effect…ironically in ME: Andromeda, which I am probably about 3/4 of the way through now, I messed up and turned down pretty much all instances of romance except one. The one I was trying to pursue is not interested in a relationship…I only have one prospect left. Figures. It’s just like real life. The one I want is not interested in me. Only likes me. And now I’m sorely running out of options and time. Oh well, such is the lonely life of a Pathfinder, I guess. Good friends, loyal comrades, but alone.

It’s funny, all of those who my friend and I speculated about future marriages/relationships are in relationships or marriages. Happy ones too it seems. Did I really put out an air of contentment and happiness in mine? No one seemed to have a clue the pain and drama that had been going on. It came as a shock to literally everyone. Well…I used to think that if so and so can do it, so can I. Ha. How conceited I am.

Not that anything matters…my life situation isn’t and won’t change for a little while. In fact it keeps getting more interesting and more complex. Whether I’m in or out of a relationship, nothing can really happen right now. Nothing can come of anything. Too many tie downs, no way out. I’m miserable. Just miserable.

At least I have my health and I’m alive.

Do I ever think of anything else anymore besides relationships and my dogs? When will I be happy again?  I put up a façade but inside…well. Nothing really. Haha. I’m not actually depressed. I’m not actually happy. I just feel…rather neutral in all things.

I’m stagnant. My life is stagnant. If there’s a lesson to be learned in all of this, I have no idea what it is. To make myself stronger inside? To not take things for granted? Enjoy what I have because it could easily be even worse? Not to be hasty because that’s how I cause myself stress and grief? To just go with the flow? Don’t think too hard?

HAH! How many times have people tried to tell me not to think? It’s IMPOSSIBLE. If my mind is not working or thinking I might as well be dead. Makes me wonder sometimes if my brain is normal active or more active than the normal person. Then, do people really have nothing on their minds? How is that possible? I’m pretty darn sure too that my brain activity has nothing to do with current technology…well. I’m sure that has something to do with how it is working in this moment in time, but I mean naturally. Like if you took away my phone and computer and TV and just handed me old school print materials like books, paper, pencil or musical instruments or toys. I can’t just take naps (heck my brain works hard even when I sleep. If you don’t believe me go read my dream blog), though I do enjoy a good lie on the grass outside (with bug spray on preferably). Even then my mind is occupied with relativity or coming up with questions/realizations about nature.

Sigh. I miss having a second half, someone I can share my heart with. My thoughts, worries, ideas. Not that I could do that with M, but he proved to me that I actually want a partner in crime. That I really do like having one. More sighing.

A Test

Tonight I’m back in my own bed and my babies are upstairs with me. It’s really nice to be on a bed again. As much as I love that couch, being on it for 48 hours was really starting to mess with me physically and mentally. I asked my mom if I could have it when I finally get my own place. She’s OK with that. I basically have my DNA all over that thing because I was there when we first picked and bought it and I’ve been on it ever since.

I want my girl in my room with me, but she went to her usual place. She’s much faster today all around and aside from the scare this  morning where her backside wouldn’t obey her, she’s been overall good and even better…to the point where she’s starting to forget she has to take it easy. Had a little reminder midday when she got up suddenly and yelped. Her leg still isn’t as useful as I’d like it to, but she’s putting a good amount of weight on it and taking stairs more like a pro. Still fighting me with the pills, but she’s eager to eat and was standing and waiting for dinner today. She was even forcing Gable out of the way to be first out the door! Oh my old lady.

Despite the great progress in 2 days (Gable’s month of depressing behavior vs a few days with her? Geez.) the overwhelming knowledge that this may still not end well for her, artificially extending her life with medications, hovers like a weight in my heart and my mind. She doesn’t realize what the medications are doing for her and if the spinal problem is the real deal and doesn’t ease, how can I make the decision to end her life when she’s loving life again? Stop the medications and bring back the excruciating  pain? That’s terrible! Or bring her to the vet when she’s feeling great and then saying, oh goodbye Liana. She won’t understand! She would’ve been fine dying on Wednesday because she definitely wanted to die then, but the medications are making her feel fantastic now…back to normal, which is exactly what she wants. To be normal again.

…Gable was playing with toys today and she very much wanted to play with him, but her body isn’t 100% back to health and she realized that. I had to stop him to from playing to not tempt her.

She’s like me: what’s the point of living life when you have to hold back?

Well one thing is for sure: since this whole drama started I haven’t had to be tormented by my breakup. Unfortunately now that it’s less of a problem and I can think of other things, it’s coming back into my consciousness. Yesterday an E-harmony commercial came on TV and my mom looked at me. I pretended to not notice but I could feel the intention. We were talking about how taking care of Liana like I have, staying up with her, taking care of her and getting no sleep because of her is just like doing the same with kids when they’re sick. It moved on to back pain and muscle pain. Then she says, remember that. Remember the back pain because it’s much worse when you have kids. And I’m like, HUH? Where’d that come from?? She repeatedly hints at me having kids and I keep telling her that I already have dogs. Sounds like she wants me to try getting into a relationship again and to have kids. Wut. Where did this whole kids thing come in? She must think I’d make a good mom. I admit that ever since I started dating M my stance on kids has relaxed a bit. But it’s still not a yes. Then again it stopped being an adamant no.

Sigh. It’s weird. Part of me is not ready to be in a relationship again and part of me is eager to try once more. My current situation is ill-suited to a suitor and I’m sticking with that for now, but more and more it’s nagging at me. Heck, I haven’t even given M back his stuff yet! It has almost been a month, but not even!

So am I over him? Yes and no. Distance has indeed made me realize that he never cared for me as much as I wanted him to. Then again, that obligation I held to him was probably a big reason it didn’t work well from my part. I made assumptions, expected things a certain way and we didn’t see eye to eye on some major things. While it’d true that two people shouldn’t have to have the exact same interests, you have to have something in common, or at least be willing. I always thought I was a very willing person; I love adventures and trying new things…but there were certainly times I should have relented instead of put up a wall. There were so many flaws. Do I still love him as much as I kept claiming over and over again, now that we’ve been apart almost a month? I do. I still love him. If I didn’t, it wouldn’t hurt so much when he responds curtly to my texts or whenever I see a Facebook post from him. Then I start to feel the resentment again and it bolsters my resolve about the decision I made to break it off. I still remember his surprise when he said, “you want a break?” It stuck with me because it wasn’t a break I wanted…it was a break up…I still don’t know exactly what he feels in all of this and it bothers me. Did he ever love me? Or was I just another girl? A nice person, who did things for him, thought of him, gave him things, wished the world for him. I really hope I meant…mean more to him than that. Because I still love him and that won’t change. When I finally see him in person, I guarantee I’ll still feel it and strongly at that. I’ll never get over you, but I’m OK with that. I read somewhere that men are quick to forget but not forgive, while women forgive easier than they forget.

Boy, it does feel like crap, though, to feel like I’ve just been thrown aside like an unwanted toy, unable to compete with other, more interesting things.

I’d love for someone to fawn over me and adore me and think the world of me…is it a mistake to treat someone like that? Maybe people don’t want that? Sigh. I guess I could’ve been obsessed, creepy, over-enthusiastic with my love. I just…all or nothing, you know? What’s the point of doing anything when you can’t put all you’ve got into it?

Well. I hold out hope that someone is out there for me that is in my vicinity, and not across the country. Also that my life situation stabilizes and I am able to try again without so many detrimental factors this time. That clock just keeps ticking.

I’m so so glad my girl is happy again. I just can’t shake that overshadowing negativity…is it foreboding? Honestly if I could have one wish right now, it’d be that I could have both dogs with me for the beach trip…probably our last beach trip to Topsail…and with dogs in general. If I could have a second, it’d be that I could tidy up this whole house ordeal and be done and sold with it.

…I guess that’s one good thing about not having Liana around anymore: there’s no reason to keep the other house at all. Gable doesn’t need it. Just her. Not that it would be any use to her now anyways… I don’t want to think about it.

My mom accused me of not being positive thinking about her today. I told her that I’m a realist. I think realistically. No point in glossing everything over. No point in painting bleak pictures either, though if I had to choose on the positive to negative scale, I’d probably place myself closer to negative than positive.

Hope does keep me alive and happy. Necessary for a happy life. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Words to live by.

 

I’ve done more in this past weekend than most of the year so far

And the year is halfway done. WUT. June crept up so silently I can’t believe it’s already the fifth.

Talk about keeping  busy…Saturday I went to hang with an old friend of mine who currently moved a few minutes up the road from me. Got to meet her kitty and boyfriend (his house she moved into), both of whom were great! Sweetest kitty I’ve ever met and he is so very interesting and nice! Took a tour of the place, got to talk and play with cat. Then we went to a nearby park that I personally have never been to and wandered around there for a bit. Tried honeysuckle for the first time in my life, avoided mud, then backtracked because she’d dropped her phone. Turns out it was, thankfully, not found by anyone else/run-over/or in mud. Then we went a little bit more, saw lots of dragonflies, a toad, and deer tracks. We were being obliterated by bugs so turned around to come back to her place. Did lots of catching up with her and somehow managed to volunteer myself to come back the next day to help clean out her apartment. haha. Not like I have anything better to do with my time. Spent the rest of the night with the family, played video games.

Sat through another painful Father “screamer” homily and mass. I realized that day exactly why I do not like him: he is just like dummy from work! He was doing some long-winded thing (thankfully without too much screaming, even if it was still realllllly hard to concentrate on the latin I was trying to read) and the congregation was done listening so he could feel the tension and negativity and started flipping out. Over and over I’ve seen how desperate he is for everyone to like him (he’s a newer priest and actually said it once that he wants “you to like me” *cue eye roll*) and yet he has that annoying Look-at-me-I-know-a-lot-please-respect-me attitude that’s unnecessary and that obnoxious nasal singing!!! Anyways. I can’t respect people who are always pining for others’ approval. Just be confident, be yourself, be humble, and people will like you. No need to fake it, just show people you can be respected. Plus, why do you need everyone to like you? Not everyone will. It’s life. Dummy at work does the same thing. Stop being fake, shut up, and just work. Everything else falls into place. It’s painful. Absolutely painful to experience.

f88a91fff5525bf32ec5a8907e34fa60     al-inspiring-quote-on-self-acceptance

Sunday! Woke up earlier because I promised my dogs that we’d go to the park. Decided to go close to home today and what a good decision! The trees have filled in now, teeming with wildlife. The day was not to hot and not to cool. It was early enough that not many people were out and given the muddiness, more reason for less people to be there. Pictures were taken, dogs were unhappy with that, but they got to jump in the water a bit (lower than I’d seen it in the past), crossed some stepping stones, talked to old guys who like dogs, got to see the pond now filled with lily pads and not algae. Then we went off the trail a bit and found a gorgeous little enclave next to the water with a beaver dam at the end (at least I think it is, given the dogs’ inclination to smell ferociously at the greenery and water). Snapped a few more pictures and I would  have loved to sit there and take it all in, but the dogs were tired, and I had to get home since I had other obligations. Will certainly have to revisit! It’s funny Gable was being dramatic on the way over there (it’s a little tricky walking around the tree roots) and noisy as usual. In the meantime Liana who was afraid of water the first time I attempted the stepping stones, this time wanted and was the first to jump in. In fact, instead of being like Gable who followed me across the stones, she decided to venture further and was taken by some smell on the rocks (that’s what inspired the old man on the bridge to start talking to me). She…I don’t trust off-leash because she has a mind of her own, but I let her off there because it’s more dangerous to cross dangerous terrain with leashes than without. Plus her recall is at times better than Gable’s. Him I do trust for the most part because I know for a fact he won’t leave me. That greyhound in him sometimes side-tracks his mind, though. Plus he likes people and does that scary suddenly-lunge-at-you-thing because he’s so excited. Even over at the little enclave she wanted to go into the water. Silly girl. I’m excited to see her at the beach this year then!

Came home, mowed the lawn, shower, food, more games until my friend texted me and off I went. Hung out a bit there, helped unpack the car, busied myself with the cat, who decided he likes me (I think) while they were eating lunch. I kept forgetting myself and treated him like a dog. Then off we went! Spent several hours there scrubbing, cleaning and packing stuff into the car. Got to know her bf very well. Got back around 6pm and after helping unload the car, ran home to my unhappy dogs. Tired but happy and fulfilled.

What a great feeling to be needed and to be able to help. I’ve always loved helping with anything and everything since as long as I could remember. It’ll never die. That’s my weakness and possibly my downfall. That’s the point of my life. My meaning of life. I need to be needed. To make people happy.

It was also very therapeutic to be around positive energy. New energy! New situations, ideas and places. She is very much in love with him, and he truly cares for her. It always amazes me how much I can gather from a person and quickly. I can’t help it, that’s just I do (another downfall of mine). He really is quite a find for her. What I noticed throughout the 2 days is that he’s rather much like my own personality. I hope I wasn’t coming off as too nosy or putting off any other vibes because felt nothing but curiosity about him.

Things I learned:

  • He drives an Outback (already a winner in my book, lol), and you can learn a LOT about someone through their driving. He drives…like me. Meaning he’s definitely got an impatient side to him and he tries hard to maintain a calm demeanor, but unlike me, he doesn’t suffer from true road rage (actually I’ve yet to meet many others who suffer like me). Sometimes I think it’s the car, but I don’t think so.
  • He has an extremely creative mind that is always working. Always. This means that he has the potential to notice things you might not think he notices. However, he is musically inclined, so how much of that working is music and noticing patterns? Maybe that’s what makes us impatient: that our minds are always working, and faster than most so let’s hurry it up, people!
  • He is extremely confident. This is a rarity amongst males but most people in general. Being comfortable in your own skin points to the upbringing you had and also your strength of spirit/soul. Alongside confidence is usually intelligence and the acceptance of your own strengths and weaknesses.
  • He is an erudite. Even though he is confident, it doesn’t go past to arrogance much. He (mostly) readily admits if he doesn’t know something. I brought something up and he bristled a little to have someone with a different view to his, but it didn’t last and he was able to think about it and apply it forward. Impressive.
  • Similar to above he is able to consider other viewpoints, and yet maintain his own in the face of it. Some people I call Bamboo People will in your face suddenly change their stance on something just because everyone else is saying that. Others cling so vehemently onto their own ideas they can’t even bring themselves to see a different viewpoint.
  • He has 4 older sisters (2 biological and 2 step). This means he knows how to treat women. Or he’d better.
  • A fellow DIY’er. You do something yourself, you learn how it works. You know how it works, then you know how to fix it. Also you save money.
  • He’s thoughtful. He was adamant that he didn’t want my friend to have too much to pack or do on the day she has to be checked out because she’d be coming from after work, so he tried hard to jam everything into the car. He cares. Caring is the all-important trait to me.

So all in all, I respect him. He’s earned my respect. That says a lot. My standards are high and he got it within an hour of me meeting him. Yesterday was the surefire fill-in-the-gaps day. Grilled him. Make sure he’s a good guy. Sometimes I feel like I notice things that other people don’t. I don’t know why I’m always reading people like that. It’s unnecessary and adds layers of complications and stress to me, knowing too much about people and judging them. Well, it’s been spot on for the vast majority of my life, so if you ever need to know about someone, I’m here for you. Haha. Get them in my dental chair and I’ll really know. Nothing like fear and loss of control to bring out the real you. I also gleaned other information about him, some of political stances, stance on the occult (and therefore possibly religion), nerd interests, aaaand in watching my friend with him, how she feels about things. She’s always been a little bit of a harder read for me, because she good at keeping things in.

Anyways, it was really good to feel alive and not depressed and honestly in terms of relationships for me, proves that there really are people out there that could be good for me. That there exists those that share similar traits, interests and intelligence levels. Never a “perfect” one, but that they do exist. That maybe this is the type of guy I’d like? I dunno yet. A confident man like my own confidence. Would that clash? He would definitely need to know things that I don’t know, otherwise he would be bringing nothing to add to my life. No matter, it highlights the things I value in a person and I am extremely happy for my friend for finding such a winner! She really is happy and lucky. And so is he. He’d better know that. I really hope it works out.

I’m also really happy that she’s so close now.

 

Workout

I just finished working out. I’ve found that a really good motivator to go workout is when everyone is at home because I try to get away. Don’t get me wrong, the social part is nice, to tell someone about the dumb stuff that happened at work, or that obnoxious driver or how cute Liana is. But. BUT.

In other news, I brought up the courage to text M again today. My last text to him was Memorial day, so Monday, and it broke my heart again to have him be so curt with me. That’s when I decided I need to just stop altogether so I consciously stopped thinking about him, about us and just started getting back to normal like before we met. I’ve been doing really well, but it’s been nagging me that his stuff is still here. I’m surprised he never asked for them back, so I’d been meaning to ask him to meet with me to give them back. However, as I imagined the meeting, I hadn’t been able to ask because I needed to get myself to the point where I will be able to do it without getting emotional. Honestly, it’ll probably get that way, but the more resentful I can make myself about him, the easier it will be. So I texted him today about it. I sensed a sadness with his short replies, but what am I supposed to do? He can’t do this weekend, but there’s no real rush, so whenever is fine, and truthfully  that’s more time for me to build up the strength to do it.

Let it be known for the record that I do not resent him as a person. Our relationship had many, many holes and wrongs from me and him and in retrospect was doomed from about last August. You could even argue that it was doomed from the get-go, but I choose to remember the good things, the  pure happiness and joy. I focus on the resentment in order to overcome my pain, but only for the short-term.

I must be hiding it well because my mom casually brought him up a few times the other day and I neither flinched nor freaked out about it. No one has said anything at work either and one of my coworkers slipped and joked about my “boyfriend patient” before realizing herself, but it didn’t bother me. I guess I’ve been acting so normal no one really thinks about it.

Anyways, I was happy with my workout today. I pushed myself more than I have recently (been getting much softer lately with the depression bit and no motivation), so that the sweat would come, to the point where one of my ankle weight sand bags came out I was moving around so much. Then I moved to the punching bag because the song was good for it and it turned out to be much more than I intended. Deep rooted pain and anger came flowing out of me and I beat the hell out of the thing. Gave it all I had, put it all out there in my fists, clenched my teeth and just released it all. Felt good, but stirred up the pot again. I really had been holding it in. Pain. That’s what I wanted. Physical pain. Then, ironically, the perfect song came on right after my cascade of anger petered out. It’s so heartfelt and perfect I’m going to put the lyrics here. Ended my emotional diarrhea with some light Total Gyming and releasing my heart into the song. YouTube it if you’d like. She’s one of my favorite artists.

 Yesterday

Artist: Anh Minh

Don’t want to start over
We’ll never make it together
Been there, done that before
I don’t wanna take another chance

How did we get so far
No chance of staying forever
Broken from the start
Now regret is all that I know

We’re better on our own
Take back those reckless nights,
Your sweet embrace
It’s time I let you go

No reason to hold on
I wanna forget your touch,
Forget your taste
Forget our yesterday!

Refrain:

Take this pain away with every sweet memory!
I don’t want, I don’t want to trouble you anymore
Take this heart away with everything’s haunting me
I don’t want, I don’t want to hurt another day

I’m gonna turn away, turn away
Turn away, turn away
Walk away, find a way
To erase yesterday

We’ve walked this line before
Couldn’t hold it together
Our love has run its course
The story’s come to an end

I wanna get over
The dreams of us before
I’d rather not have known
You can have our memories

We’re better on our own
Take back those reckless nights,
Your sweet embrace
It’s time I let you go

No reason to hold on
I wanna forget your touch,
Forget your taste
Forget our yesterday!

(refrain)

I wanna be the one you miss

We shouldn’t’ve let it end like this…

Find a way, try to erase yesterday!!!!!

(refrain)

BARK BARK BARK

Was out walking the dogs on this beautiful Friday morning in late spring (a playing-hooky kind of day). Other resident dog walkers were out too. We were turning our corner when I hear yelling and the guy walking his dog across the street stopped walking. Soon thereafter we hear a “NOO” and the mouth it belongs to: a jogger guy and his shepherd dog. The repeated “NOO, NOO” he keeps bellowing at the dog as they run our direction is very loud for early morning, and obviously seeing the possibly  out of control dog coming up on us at high speed, I stop too, a distance away to let them pass. He suddenly sees us and we receive another, “NOOO, leave her. Leave them.” He had seen Liana but not Gable. Liana, of course, wild child that she is, is very interested in dog-in-elevated-state-of-stress (definitely male, given Gable’s complete lack of interest…he only likes girls) and as the shepherd passes in front of us, you can kind of see the guy pulling back on him and running forward and the dog staring at us, close mouthed and big eyed and a bit miserable but excited. All very comical, really. They pass behind the big bush, out of sight, and Liana suddenly starts whining loudly (in her deep, throaty kind of way), feeling suddenly agitated herself, and barks after them, so I have to command her to back up and stop the reaction. It’s a quick response and she looks up at me not with remorse or apology for acting out, or fear of my reprimand, just worry. She is my barometer for dogs. I trust her reaction to them.

Haha. Gable…no girl? Meh.

My brother and I were having a major discussion about our current situation and future goals here, impeding my working out. I haven’t worked out since Tuesday. Or was that Monday? It spanned 2 hours. Our lives are taking a hard hit right now. My monster of a father is making it all worse, but my mom doesn’t help either. Can’t change what’s already been done, but I’ve been trying so hard to break out of this pattern it’s so very frustrating. Unfortunately for me nothing can happen until next year and even then it might even be another year after that.

I don’t plan on joining the dating world again until I get my own place, but that doesn’t sound plausible for almost 2 years??? Geez. I don’t know if I can wait that long. This biological clock is really ticking away. I know that good things come to those who wait, but how much longer? I’m so tired of my blocked lifestyle right now.

In regard to heartache and heartbreak, I’m about 90% over him. Every so often in the car when a song picks up, I’ll think about it and am sad again, but I’m strengthened and defended by what he couldn’t do for me despite everything I did for him. My brain has won and my heart has gone into its cage again. Rattles around every so often. In fact, I am ready to find another, a better.

…I still need to give him back his stuff. Can I do it…?

 You know, listening to my plethora of songs in my car for 2 weeks now, it’s absolutely amazing how many of them deal with heartache. Is that one of the only reason people write songs? Anyways, its rather comforting to know that so many before more me, new and old, have experienced the same set of emotions. Tale as old as time, indeed. And of course, being me, I find it all very fascinating from an observational perspective.

From the Beginning

When I first started online dating, I put it on every profile and I asked everyone I could think of, especially those I was thinking more seriously about: Do you think that men and women can just be friends? It became more important to me after the disintegration of my very first relationship of 3 months.

No one had a real answer. There were yes’s and there were no’s, split both sexes evenly. I read article after article about love and relationships and eventually found information that I settled on, stating, men and women can only remain friends if they either never loved each other or are still in love.

Well, relationship #1 with J, saw me end it because after 3 months I found I didn’t love him, just liked him quite a bit. I wanted to remain friends, but he didn’t want to at all. I think he loved me and I broke his heart. Relationship #2 has officially ended too, but in this case I really loved him and I’m not sure he loves me. He broke my heart. I also wanted to remain friends and he had stated that several months before, the remaining friends, bit (although for the record, I’m not sure he remembers much of what he ever told me…that’s the problem with remembering so easily…it’s hard to forget). I guess it balances out, huh? haha. I thought we were doing well being friends, the first few days, but unless this is how he’s like to his other friends (which I doubt), looks like he’ll be lost to me forever soon.

Anyways, I think I’ve come to the answer to my question, taking into account my own experiences, watching others, and thinking of my friends. I personally believe that it, like life, is what you want it to be. If you want something, it is possible. It’s just harder because in this case two people need to be of the same mindset and desire. So, yes, it’s possible, however dependent on other factors.

No matter how much I want it, a relationship, any relationship, only works if both parties are equally in it. There will be times when the balance is tipped, but it should always equal out again soon. If the scale is tipped one way for too long, the lighter weight will slide off and the heavier weight will suddenly be sent flying.

…I just have to let it be.