Almost 2 months

Has it only been that long? MAN it feels like it has been at least 6 months. Aside from the sudden clarity of hindsight, one major difference I found in myself is that my intelligence is coming back to me. Haha. My command of the English language which has been in a massive decline (spelling, word choice, etc) is making a come back. Not only that but other cognitive functions are becoming more sharpened…or, really, re-sharpened, like creativity, reasoning, logic, and most importantly: curiosity. When my entire being was consumed with another person and devoting all resources there, nothing else mattered. I told him that my 2016 was him. An ENTIRE YEAR where I did absolutely nothing but think, breathe, cater, spend money, dream about him. A man. Something I’d been promising myself my whole life I would never do as a self-respecting and independent female.

Wow. I still refuse to tell myself it was a year or time of my life wasted, because no experience in life should be considered wasteful if you can learn. It’s just another part of the journey. Learn about yourself, learn skills, learn for future reference, learn to overcome and not be held back. No point in being bitter or resentful because that’s backwards-looking and will benefit you so minimally (it does help to alleviate pain to think like that, but only for the short-term). Instead, I just keep looking back on the old pictures that show up (and he untagged himself all in, but I will never untag myself), smile sadly to myself, and remember the good times. That’s how I prefer to remember him and us, even if he can’t bring himself to do the same. To each their own.

…I was thinking about him yesterday while working, because I have the entire day to think while I work. That’s how I realized that bitterness was forcing its way into my heart even though I refuse to let it take hold. He wanted SO BADLY to have a normal life, a normal girlfriend, a normal family…just normalcy. Unfortunately for him, his family is not average, with lots of drama, his early life was fill of drama, his life in general has not been “normal,” he’s been divorced (though one can argue the normalcy there), and I am certainly not a normal girl. Even his career now cannot be considered normal or average. I remember in the beginning he wanted my family to adopt him and let him live in our house because his family was/is so messed up and we seemed like a happy, normal family. I could never make him understand that normalcy is relative. I mean, who doesn’t want a happy, normal life with your average problems and ample resources? Never too poor that you can’t afford dinner, never too many home problems that you hate each other, a decent job, a loving spouse to come home to, and being able to enjoy life as you like it.

That desire of his is why I made it my goal to make him happy and brought about my ultimate doom. Our goals were all wrong from the start. It was all for him, for one, and he even admitted how one sided our relationship had always been, so of course I’m going to fight for me and he couldn’t take that. And what does it all boil down to? I could be blameful and say pure selfishness, while being completely correct, but the real and true problem was and is that happiness and fulfillment and peace comes only from within. Life is as you make it. The meaning of life and everything is 42. If you want to be happy it starts within yourself. You can only receive through giving. I tried so very hard to make him see compassion (serious failure there from me, but maybe he’ll learn it in his work), generosity (God knows how generous I was to him and will even now through all of it, never ask for money or anything back. Maybe one day he’ll remember exactly how much I gave him. I don’t regret giving him any of it either because all I ever wanted was to see him smile and happy), the value of money (different topic of discussion there), the goodness inside of him for self-confidence (I think I made some progress there…), and love. Love love love. So much love, as much as I could muster, but it didn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what I did, it’s all up to him to recognize. His family and everyone can try and give him the tools but he has to make use of it. I wish and pray and hope that he does.

LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT, PEOPLE!!! Not what others can give you, but what you can give to others.

There. I’ve Done It.

I am now 100% rid of M.

I texted him last night about returning his belongings because why in the hell was he not responding to me. He responded with I don’t know what belongings you’re talking about, and that for my information they had a failed cpr last night. I texted him this morning about his clothes and his beret and stuff and he started getting annoyed telling me to just trash everything and he didn’t want to deal with anything this week because someone just died on him last night. That’s when I started getting annoyed because holy crap then WHEN am I supposed to do this? He’s been giving me excuses excuses and more excuses. And not to be disrespectful, cold and mean, but unfortunately, that’s going to be your reality and you knew it going in. Even now, after all this time he still has yet to figure out how to deal with stresses, shrug them off, not internalize them, find an outlet, not take things personally. I understand that trying to revive someone and having them die on you underneath your hands is extremely awful and once again I have terrible timing, and I was willing to let it go another week, but I could sense the underlying current and I KNEW that if I didn’t pursue this now he would get more and more upset. That’s him and been him since I first knew him. One little stressful event and he’s out for and entire week or more. Can you imagine a big stressful event? Essentially there was, is and will be no “best time” to do this. Plus, I know he’s home and that it won’t sit out in the rain. Likely if I put it off he’d never respond to me again and I really and truly did not wish to involve his mom in this.

Speaking of rain, how appropriate that the sky is crying. He starts getting all upset and responding like an immature teenager. I could sense the immense grief behind his scathing words, but I had a goal. What about me, huh? I have to stare at these items of his every day. Every single day. I have more memories of him here in this house than he does of me at his. He forgot about them. Just like he’s so quick to forget everything. About me. Always has. Said things and would forget he said them. I tell him good, when he tells me to do what I want and I said I’m coming to drop them off of the doorstep and he FLIPS OUT and says that he’s going to leave and to not get his family involved with this. I’m like, OMFG who do think I am? You think that me, I, am going to come crawling with an insipid and demeaning ploy to SEE HIM???? Am I to come crawling back and trick him into seeing me??? OMFGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.

I was LIVID. So I leave and am driving super angry through the rain, drop off the bag, and text him saying how absolutely appalled I am at how little he knew and knows of me to think I am base enough to crawl back and cause drama. I had said over and over again that it was just a drop off, no seeing, no talking he didn’t want to hear it and kept thinking delusionally that I was trying to force him into seeing me because I knew he was home. I wished him a happy life and promised that he would never hear from me again. I took the long way home and sitting through traffic the tears just kept coming but mostly because now I understand exactly what he thought of me. I don’t know what kind of girls he had in the past but while I was seeing him he’d make these weird assumptions and generalizations about me, things that are “typical” of girls. He NEVER knew me. EVER. Even now he thinks I’d come back like his ex’s and try to mess up his life. No. NO. I am NOT that kind of person. I have integrity, pride and respect. How could he think so lowly of me after all this time?

It’s painful. More painful than anything we’ve been through up to now, to know that he KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT ME. About what kind of person I am. I told him that a couple times when we were together, but it never got through.

You can’t. CAN’T. help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. He’s trapped in his mind, in his past, in his ways and nothing can bring him out. That’s why I gave up. I did. I admit it now. I gave up.

Keep thinking that way, man. Be bitter. Be mad. No other relationship ever in your life will ever be successful unless you give it up.

I get it now. I get why anger is essential after a failed relationship. I tried so DAMN HARD to be cordial, to understand for him, be civil, to try and be adult and mature, but it was a mistake. A bloody mistake. Because he’s still a petulant child who never grew up, and probably never will.

You know what the last thing he texted back to me after I wished him a happy life and said goodbye? He said: “whatever.” Like a kid throwing a hissy fit.

I’m done. I’m through. Immaturity at its finest. I will still strive to prevent myself from entertaining hate, loathing and resentment because they are toxic attitudes and detract from my growth. I will still look upon our past and memories with fondness because they were enjoyable and a happy part of my life.

Maybe now with the last factor out of the way, I can move on.

…I truly hope he can too.

Something so simple as returning articles made so horribly dramatic and difficult. And why? Misconceptions. Assumptions. Selfishness. Not everything is about you, ok? And until you realize that, nothing in life will work for you. That’s my caveat for any girl in his future, my advice. Be aware of his full blown selfishness. He thinks 85% of the time about himself and has no time for you. A taker and very infrequently a giver.

GOD. I WISH AND PRAY TO GOD that I not become like him nor that I let this negativity permeate me and my future.

I keep returning to that question I keep asking, “Can men and women just be friends?” And I say, no, not after a relationship. Unless the two are that cooperative and have the same level of maturity and respect for each other.

Time to drown myself in video games.

July 3

It’s the Monday right before July 4th this year. I have off all week and have no plans to do anything at all. Originally I was supposed to go down and try to get as much yard work done as possible because I’m running out of time to get things done before next year, but one, it’s HOT and two, I have no money to be spending on things like that right now. Apparently, it works out, because sister texts me today saying that his mom is probably coming down to visit. -_-;; Nothing about her coming to visit, and it works out anyways, but still it’s like, well, if I had planned on coming that wouldn’t be the best would it? So inconvenient.

I keep biting the inside of my lip/cheek area…sometimes my canines do that. Darn occlusion.

The plan for the week is to stay as low-key as possible. I’m hiding in the house as a safeguard against things happening to me. It makes me restless, but I don’t want anything else to happen right now. Saturday saw me doing online errands where I finally got all of my banks and finances and passwords and accounts and stuff in order. I had one bank account that I hadn’t been able to get into for 2 years so I finally called in (after being on hold forever) and after gaining access was happily surprised to find that I had much more money there than I originally thought. Woohoo! Unfortunately it was balanced out by my HSA account being suddenly closed. It was through Payflex and some quick Google-ing found that Payflex accounts tend to be a bit of a scam. People will put money into them for their FSA or whatever and the company then refuses to pay out despite proper documentation. Thankfully I didn’t put as much as I wanted in there, so I only lost $200 but that’s a payment for my debts, you know? $200 is a lot for someone who is in financial distress. That’s 2 dog vaccines, half a year’s dog preventative, payment for the fridge or the patio, a month’s worth of groceries… I decided that it’s not worth fighting someone over the phone for, though. All of my accounts withdrew money today so my bank account is back to being very small. I was waiting for that to happen, though, because I plan on paying the rest of the beach trip after everything has been withdrawn, so I need to move money around again. That way, that payment is out of my hair and I can focus on dealing with debt and moving forward, dog vaccines and house stuff, and paying my brother back for the tires.

I was so proud of myself for facing my finances, that I didn’t accomplish anything else in the last 3 days besides moving my rooms around again and doing my buttload of laundry. Sometime this week I need to address the lawn which is dying of thirst. Aside from those errands, I thought I’d entertain myself by teaching myself how to sew given that I can’t spend any more money and the sewing machine has been sitting around for several years. Why not. YouTube and I will be friends. When I get tired of that I might clean out the freezer and the pantry or just play old video games. Sigh. So exciting.

The only other thing that needs to get done is returning M’s belongings. It’s still an enigma why he won’t get back to me at all. I made the decision to wait because this is the July 4th holiday and he’ll be busy. I’d told him that I’d be off this week. If I don’t hear anything by Thursday, then I will text him back and tell him I’m going to drop off his stuff on his doorstep. Trying to decide if I should text his mom too, just to make sure it doesn’t just sit out there in the elements. I’ve had lots of time to think about why he won’t respond and the only thing I can really think of aside from him not caring, is that he doesn’t want to. He did mention, when I proposed we break up, that he thought I wanted a break. No honey, a break up. Not just a break. I guess it’s been only a month and a half. Come to think of it I haven’t seen him online at all…either that or he blocked me on everything. More reason to text his mom if I can’t contact him. First to make sure he’s OK, and then to give back his things. I’m sure he’s fine. I just…can’t hope to progress to a decent level of healing when I see his belongings every day and remember the moment, the day, the time I came into possession of them.

I’m so much better now when I see fire trucks, or hear sirens and even when I see the Facebook Memories thing. I just smile and remember and move on. Same with sad songs. There are nights that it’s too much for me and I still cry, thinking about how it went wrong, what I did or didn’t do to make it crash, but I overcome those moments much more quickly. My family stopped mentioning him, thank goodness. Dang it. There those tears go again. It’ll pass soon. Honestly, as much as I’ve been planning out meeting with him to return his stuff, what I will say, what I’ll do, how to say goodbye, I realized the other night that if it doesn’t go to script (and what in real life does?) I’m going to break down and leave in tears instead. In that, maybe it’s better I just leave it at his doorstep like a coward, telling myself it’s his fault for not wanting to see me that I have to do it that way. God forbid I see his mom because it’d be even worse…for both of us. The truth is, I’ll never get over him and I know that. I’ve known that. Just have to try my best, accept that, and keep going.

I realized that the reason he is so different now than he was when I first met him, is because from that moment until now, he’s been on a quest to understanding who he is. The army told him what to do, when to do it, and how to operate. Getting out of the army he was lost. It was hard to find a job, adjust to civilian life, just thrown out there, so he adopted a persona he thought was acceptable to society and went with it. Throw into the mix his divorce, family issues, depression (PTSD) and never having had a stable, adjusted childhood to begin with and you have the perfect storm. You’ve got to admire his push to survive though. Too bad he never did deal well with stress. It explains all of the incongruities about him. He’d say things but act differently, tell me things and then forget about them…it confused me. A lot. I’m grateful for my people reading skills because I’ve always relied on that more than what people tell me.  I just…had the privilege of being his stepping stone…the one who helped him on his journey to finding out who he really is, what his purpose in life is, to understand and accept himself, what he likes, wants and doesn’t.

Lucky me.

Now, it’s easy to say “why me?” and believe me, I’ve asked that plenty, but it’s just as right to think it almost an honor. I’ve helped this guy. And I have. I’ve given him so many different viewpoints, experiences, and ideas than he’s ever had. Do you really think a guy like him has ever met someone like me? HAHA…I’m not sure if many have ever  met a person like me…I guess I am rather unique in ideas and thoughts and how I go about life. I’ve challenged him relentlessly and yet at the same time loved him like no one has ever loved him before. As I do for most people, I turn perceptions on their heads with my own distinct flair. He isn’t now the person I met 2 years ago…in many ways.

On the other side of the coin, he’s opened my mind and eyes to things I never knew nor experienced before. He was also my stepping stone to learning what I want and who I am. I daresay I, too, am a different person than I was 2 years ago…for better and worse.

The last thing I want is to hold him in contempt, in resentment. It’s so easy to do, too. I’ll strive to push those thoughts from my mind because I care so much about him, even if he doesn’t return it…and possibly hasn’t for quite some time. My memory of him is impossible to erase because almost everything reminds me of our time together. I want them to be focused on the happy and fun.

No matter what, I really do need to return his things. Why won’t you respond…why won’t you just tell me what you want or feel? Why is it so hard…? They’re just your feelings. Accept them because running away won’t solve anything. I don’t want to do this the mean way. I don’t want to make you more stressed out, but I have a feeling you won’t leave me with a choice.

Tuesday Again

Time just keeps going and going, huh? It stops for no one and is completely relentless.

Facebook so nicely informed me that my old roommate (the one I hated) is now engaged. I’m happy for her, I really am, but I can’t help but feel that pang of sadness again. Even though last night I wrote about how healed I am now that it’s almost July, the reality of my situation is still, well, my reality. Single with no hope of starting a new relationship until next year, if that, because I still need my own place first. And it’s not like starting a relationship is like, OK I’m ready for a relationship…GO! The process took me over a year last time  and see how it turned out? It’s worse when you hate someone because you think yourself better than them and the fact that they’ve surpassed you is really a big ego blow. With her engaged, it means that I am one of the only ones left. Doesn’t help that my mom keeps hinting at me having kids too and these days since I’ve relaxed my decision on kids by a lot (thanks for nothing M…). It would be nice for my sister’s kid(s) to have cousins because otherwise they’d be literally on their own for both sides of their family. All of the people I thought would have such a hard time finding a life partner are either now married, been married or engaged…as far as I know, happily too.

In a way it’s hope-inducing because if they can do it, so can I, but not only is it getting late in life, I’m getting set in my ways, and my life situation is unforgiving. That’s the nice thing about being young: you’re flexible, malleable and because you don’t have much life experience to pull on, there’s no limiting factors or barriers to jade your way of thinking. Anything goes. That is also risky, but given the right players, it’s an adventure that can pull you closer together than anything else.

With all of this said, I realize (and also from my own less-than-happy experience with marriages, having watched so many disintegrate or fester before my eyes) that not all of these currently happy couples will remain that way. In another 10 or 20 years, if our patient population is anything to pull from, there will be some nasty divorces, usually when kids are in their teens. I hope, really, that this is not the case because it is not a fun experience, but it is a reality.

Huh. Come to think of it, it’s true: the bad divorces happen when the kids are around 14-17 years of age. Late teens. Hardest time to raise kids with the added financial stress looming in the future. Do people get tired of each other? Intolerant? Distant because of the kids? The single couples at work are always happy. They retire early, never have money issues, and are always travelling. Never any bad divorces there. Then you get your happy families…I’ll have to start observing those families since I seem to notice all the negative ones.

FRIDAY!

And I still have my girl. Yesterday was the first day I stopped giving her meds altogether. That’s about 7 days post initial emergency. He spirit is good, her temperament is back to normal and the lucidity of her mind is natural. She is still mostly careful, so I’m assuming it aches/hurts. When she stretches the front legs now she does it very carefully, and going up a long flight of stairs takes some thinking. I’m glad for that. Her realism is heartening…though I know I have to keep an eye on things because she does get excited and then forgets.

Was talking to my brother last night as my mom worked night and will do so again tonight. I enjoy the nights she’s not here because it gives me some semblance of living on my own, plus working out actually happens. Unfortunately, though, he’s gotten into this annoying habit in the recent months of being a pain to talk to in the sense that he’s become very outspoken and won’t let anyone talk but himself. While his tune has changed from extremely naïve to just being inexperienced in life events, he still hasn’t experienced anything in life. He tries to make up for it by learning concepts, but rarely in life does anything work out ideally. And damn can he talk now! I mean, I’ll take that over what he came from, the depressed, surly sheeple person, but good gravy. Wanting to talk and being over-enthusiastic about joining in conversation is a tiresome mix. Wearying, that’s what it is. Drains you. Add that to wanting  to do something but afraid or unwilling to try, and it just turns into this obnoxious and futile conversation playout.

Today is M’s birthday. I sent him a card with a wind-up butterfly that will “fly” out of the card the instant you open it. I put a rather generic yet personal message in it like I would for my sister or brother, and signed it my first name since he never could bring himself to call me the name I wanted him to. He texted me on Wed to say he almost had a heart attack which made me happy to hear that it worked. I can’t help but remember his birthday last year where they invited me to come as a surprise and I was busy working on my vanity at home. I unfollowed him for a little on Facebook the other day because every time he posts anything there it’s, well, painful for me to read. He just seems so much happier and lighter now and it irritates and hurts me at the same time. I guess, being with me weighed him down so much and now without me his life is more enjoyable. I figured that by not seeing the posts I wouldn’t feel so bad, but I realize I still need to know how he’s doing. Maybe one day I’ll be able to see them without feeling anything but neutral like my other friends. I noticed, though, that he stopped posting anything about his car ever since I said it as a jab when we broke up. His friends also didn’t care much for the posts either, but I still hold much contempt for his car. That’s really what pushed me over the edge to break up with him. It might be petty, but I can’t help but resent it. I tried so hard to be happy for him finally getting a car for himself and a car he used to love so much too, plus being able to do things for it like a project to keep him occupied given how much he likes cars, but I still can’t. He posted so many pictures of it, spent so much time cleaning it, making it nice, buying all sorts of things for it, taking care of it…and yet never posted more than one picture of me (that I can remember, and from behind too), and never spent much time other than the very beginning trying to take care of me. No, I can’t be OK with that car. It stood for everything that was wrong with us, and not just because guys love their cars either because I can understand that. Just like having another girl on the side.

I was held hostage in the bathtub today by a million legger. Lots of bugs in the house this year! Going to have to clean and declutter soon, methinks…

Ha

Father’s Day…

Too bad I never had fond memories of this day. I am happy for those who had a wonderful day venerating the ones who provided half of their chromosomes, truly I am, but for me? Nah. Only memories of ungratefulness, complaining and tension.

Spent all day playing video games again, mostly because it prevents me from spending money and honestly what else do I have? I technically have the ability to do something more productive with my time, more creative, but none of that is appealing to me given my mood lately. I have ideas, but they’re just that.

On the Liana front, she was very happy today! She roached, wipey-faced, stretched a bit, and even went to tear a box! I played a tiny bit with her this morning because I was playing with Gable and she wanted to play, but remembered that she couldn’t, so I found a squirrel toy and she played a bit. I…still feel awful about what will happen after we run out of medications. She has this potentially false positivity to life again and it will be many times worse if it all goes to hell again. So tonight, I decided to try not giving her 2 of the medications. I only gave Rimadyl. We shall see what happens, though I know that it will take more than 12 hours for them to out of her system fully. Maybe she’ll be able to sleep better. If she was a human at least she would understand that after the medications things might still not ever be the same…but she’s not. She’s a dog and I can’t make her understand. I wish I could. I mean, even with the medications she’ll still forget and scream…she did that today after all those cute things she was able to do again because she stretched just wrong and cried until mama came to rub her shoulder again. I keep telling her to take it easy and be careful, but…how to make her understand. Sigh.

This biological clock won’t leave me alone. Guh. Why is it so prevalent? Probably doesn’t help when I play video games like Mass Effect…ironically in ME: Andromeda, which I am probably about 3/4 of the way through now, I messed up and turned down pretty much all instances of romance except one. The one I was trying to pursue is not interested in a relationship…I only have one prospect left. Figures. It’s just like real life. The one I want is not interested in me. Only likes me. And now I’m sorely running out of options and time. Oh well, such is the lonely life of a Pathfinder, I guess. Good friends, loyal comrades, but alone.

It’s funny, all of those who my friend and I speculated about future marriages/relationships are in relationships or marriages. Happy ones too it seems. Did I really put out an air of contentment and happiness in mine? No one seemed to have a clue the pain and drama that had been going on. It came as a shock to literally everyone. Well…I used to think that if so and so can do it, so can I. Ha. How conceited I am.

Not that anything matters…my life situation isn’t and won’t change for a little while. In fact it keeps getting more interesting and more complex. Whether I’m in or out of a relationship, nothing can really happen right now. Nothing can come of anything. Too many tie downs, no way out. I’m miserable. Just miserable.

At least I have my health and I’m alive.

Do I ever think of anything else anymore besides relationships and my dogs? When will I be happy again?  I put up a façade but inside…well. Nothing really. Haha. I’m not actually depressed. I’m not actually happy. I just feel…rather neutral in all things.

I’m stagnant. My life is stagnant. If there’s a lesson to be learned in all of this, I have no idea what it is. To make myself stronger inside? To not take things for granted? Enjoy what I have because it could easily be even worse? Not to be hasty because that’s how I cause myself stress and grief? To just go with the flow? Don’t think too hard?

HAH! How many times have people tried to tell me not to think? It’s IMPOSSIBLE. If my mind is not working or thinking I might as well be dead. Makes me wonder sometimes if my brain is normal active or more active than the normal person. Then, do people really have nothing on their minds? How is that possible? I’m pretty darn sure too that my brain activity has nothing to do with current technology…well. I’m sure that has something to do with how it is working in this moment in time, but I mean naturally. Like if you took away my phone and computer and TV and just handed me old school print materials like books, paper, pencil or musical instruments or toys. I can’t just take naps (heck my brain works hard even when I sleep. If you don’t believe me go read my dream blog), though I do enjoy a good lie on the grass outside (with bug spray on preferably). Even then my mind is occupied with relativity or coming up with questions/realizations about nature.

Sigh. I miss having a second half, someone I can share my heart with. My thoughts, worries, ideas. Not that I could do that with M, but he proved to me that I actually want a partner in crime. That I really do like having one. More sighing.

A Test

Tonight I’m back in my own bed and my babies are upstairs with me. It’s really nice to be on a bed again. As much as I love that couch, being on it for 48 hours was really starting to mess with me physically and mentally. I asked my mom if I could have it when I finally get my own place. She’s OK with that. I basically have my DNA all over that thing because I was there when we first picked and bought it and I’ve been on it ever since.

I want my girl in my room with me, but she went to her usual place. She’s much faster today all around and aside from the scare this  morning where her backside wouldn’t obey her, she’s been overall good and even better…to the point where she’s starting to forget she has to take it easy. Had a little reminder midday when she got up suddenly and yelped. Her leg still isn’t as useful as I’d like it to, but she’s putting a good amount of weight on it and taking stairs more like a pro. Still fighting me with the pills, but she’s eager to eat and was standing and waiting for dinner today. She was even forcing Gable out of the way to be first out the door! Oh my old lady.

Despite the great progress in 2 days (Gable’s month of depressing behavior vs a few days with her? Geez.) the overwhelming knowledge that this may still not end well for her, artificially extending her life with medications, hovers like a weight in my heart and my mind. She doesn’t realize what the medications are doing for her and if the spinal problem is the real deal and doesn’t ease, how can I make the decision to end her life when she’s loving life again? Stop the medications and bring back the excruciating  pain? That’s terrible! Or bring her to the vet when she’s feeling great and then saying, oh goodbye Liana. She won’t understand! She would’ve been fine dying on Wednesday because she definitely wanted to die then, but the medications are making her feel fantastic now…back to normal, which is exactly what she wants. To be normal again.

…Gable was playing with toys today and she very much wanted to play with him, but her body isn’t 100% back to health and she realized that. I had to stop him to from playing to not tempt her.

She’s like me: what’s the point of living life when you have to hold back?

Well one thing is for sure: since this whole drama started I haven’t had to be tormented by my breakup. Unfortunately now that it’s less of a problem and I can think of other things, it’s coming back into my consciousness. Yesterday an E-harmony commercial came on TV and my mom looked at me. I pretended to not notice but I could feel the intention. We were talking about how taking care of Liana like I have, staying up with her, taking care of her and getting no sleep because of her is just like doing the same with kids when they’re sick. It moved on to back pain and muscle pain. Then she says, remember that. Remember the back pain because it’s much worse when you have kids. And I’m like, HUH? Where’d that come from?? She repeatedly hints at me having kids and I keep telling her that I already have dogs. Sounds like she wants me to try getting into a relationship again and to have kids. Wut. Where did this whole kids thing come in? She must think I’d make a good mom. I admit that ever since I started dating M my stance on kids has relaxed a bit. But it’s still not a yes. Then again it stopped being an adamant no.

Sigh. It’s weird. Part of me is not ready to be in a relationship again and part of me is eager to try once more. My current situation is ill-suited to a suitor and I’m sticking with that for now, but more and more it’s nagging at me. Heck, I haven’t even given M back his stuff yet! It has almost been a month, but not even!

So am I over him? Yes and no. Distance has indeed made me realize that he never cared for me as much as I wanted him to. Then again, that obligation I held to him was probably a big reason it didn’t work well from my part. I made assumptions, expected things a certain way and we didn’t see eye to eye on some major things. While it’d true that two people shouldn’t have to have the exact same interests, you have to have something in common, or at least be willing. I always thought I was a very willing person; I love adventures and trying new things…but there were certainly times I should have relented instead of put up a wall. There were so many flaws. Do I still love him as much as I kept claiming over and over again, now that we’ve been apart almost a month? I do. I still love him. If I didn’t, it wouldn’t hurt so much when he responds curtly to my texts or whenever I see a Facebook post from him. Then I start to feel the resentment again and it bolsters my resolve about the decision I made to break it off. I still remember his surprise when he said, “you want a break?” It stuck with me because it wasn’t a break I wanted…it was a break up…I still don’t know exactly what he feels in all of this and it bothers me. Did he ever love me? Or was I just another girl? A nice person, who did things for him, thought of him, gave him things, wished the world for him. I really hope I meant…mean more to him than that. Because I still love him and that won’t change. When I finally see him in person, I guarantee I’ll still feel it and strongly at that. I’ll never get over you, but I’m OK with that. I read somewhere that men are quick to forget but not forgive, while women forgive easier than they forget.

Boy, it does feel like crap, though, to feel like I’ve just been thrown aside like an unwanted toy, unable to compete with other, more interesting things.

I’d love for someone to fawn over me and adore me and think the world of me…is it a mistake to treat someone like that? Maybe people don’t want that? Sigh. I guess I could’ve been obsessed, creepy, over-enthusiastic with my love. I just…all or nothing, you know? What’s the point of doing anything when you can’t put all you’ve got into it?

Well. I hold out hope that someone is out there for me that is in my vicinity, and not across the country. Also that my life situation stabilizes and I am able to try again without so many detrimental factors this time. That clock just keeps ticking.

I’m so so glad my girl is happy again. I just can’t shake that overshadowing negativity…is it foreboding? Honestly if I could have one wish right now, it’d be that I could have both dogs with me for the beach trip…probably our last beach trip to Topsail…and with dogs in general. If I could have a second, it’d be that I could tidy up this whole house ordeal and be done and sold with it.

…I guess that’s one good thing about not having Liana around anymore: there’s no reason to keep the other house at all. Gable doesn’t need it. Just her. Not that it would be any use to her now anyways… I don’t want to think about it.

My mom accused me of not being positive thinking about her today. I told her that I’m a realist. I think realistically. No point in glossing everything over. No point in painting bleak pictures either, though if I had to choose on the positive to negative scale, I’d probably place myself closer to negative than positive.

Hope does keep me alive and happy. Necessary for a happy life. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Words to live by.