Category: rant

So. Sleepy.

I can’t stand that I haven’t been able to sleep properly for several days now. Last night wasn’t even that hot!!

Had one of those potential-greyhound-adopter incidents this morning but I was NOT prepared at all, being rather tired. Flubbed that one up a bit. Then we spent some time chasing a rabbit that wasn’t afraid of us. Large bunny. I think it was a mama that wanted to lead us away from her babies. Gable almost broke his neck lunging for it after he warned it 3 times. I can’t imagine what would’ve happened if I’d let go of that leash.

Wednesday again. I don’t know if it’s the tick bite causing all of this, but I’ve been feeling itchy and tired all over. I’m carefully monitoring the symptoms, but it’s hard to say if it’s tick related or just plain allergies and weather. Also, my mood is mildly depressed and unhappy. Unfulfilled, like I need to do something, accomplish something. One of those moods again, huh?

I’m tired of myself feeling trapped by these damn romance novel games. Finally finished the last one that I’m interested in. They’re annoying because they pull you in with interesting story and then the end is just crap. Most of the novel games have you as a female protagonist with your love interest and drama and such. How can all of these freaks be such idiots…and it’s like they all fall into a similar personality pattern. Different authors, though! There are 2 lesbian relationship novels which is nothing special in and of itself, I’m cool with that stuff. Both of them, like the others, were intriguing until about halfway through and I just blew through the rest of the novel just to be done with it. One thing is for sure: I am not gay. I can’t, no matter how hard I try, enjoy lesbian relationship romance novels. It’s just not my cup of tea. If the story is good, it’s one thing, but I have no interest in it. Still, it annoys the CRAP out of me how ideal all of these stories are (some are better than others, of course) where the protagonists are all perfect for each other and seem to know that when they are still in high school? Being an old fart myself, high school, college, young adult and full adult brains and minds are soooo much different from each other. Not to say that high school sweetheart relationships are impossible, but many of them just don’t work out when we all go off on our lives and meet new people and experiences. While I regret not dating around in college, I’m glad high school self didn’t do any of that. I was a real idiot then. To be fair, I think the 2 lesbian stories were written by the same person and in both stories, the couple seemed to have been in love with each other since they were 7 years old, so children, when they promised to marry each other. Yeah….

Speaking of stories, I’ve been slowing down with my short stories mostly because I think these romance novels are mushing my brain, but also I’ve been so tired, so that whenever I start writing I end up nodding off. However, I have around 10 or so done and have started typing them up into the computer. I think I might start posting them on here? Or starting a new handle on my WordPress account (already have 3!) dedicated to that. Because, why not?

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Niiiight time

I keep thinking tomorrow is Friday because it is my Friday this week! Whoo!! Hopefully it goes without a hitch.

Remember when I said I would change all of my profile pics on the Catholic Match site to the real, short-haired version of myself and see if that stops all of the views and messages? WELL IT WORKED. HAHAHAHAHA. Kind of sad, really. Sometimes I look at my patients and think to myself (as well as those on that 600lb life show) if this person can find a soulmate, why in the world can I not? And is online dating the best way to find them? No, not really. Oh well. I’ve already resigned myself to growing old all by myself. I don’t know why people are always so attached to hair and how it really changes the way people treat you. Just like skin color. Or accent. A very common fear about cancer for women, is that they’ll lose their hair. I struggle to wonder why people, men and women, are so afraid of it. Heck, I’ve been trying to shave my head forever, but no one will let me. For some reason across history, it’s shameful to lose your hair. Like it’s a commodity. I guess my hair is so thick and full and grows quickly so I really don’t care. It’s just so hot and it gets into my eyes and face. Currently it’s long enough to stab me in my eyes. I’m trying to keep it longer to make it to my nephew’s baptism. I dunno if I’m going to make it. Sometimes I sit there and wonder if I can grow it out to a girly length to make it through a potential wedding, and then I decide to try and 2 weeks in I’m like, TAKE IT OFF NOW.

With social media posts a normal part of life and the subsequent desensitization to basically everything that used to be considered rude, it bothers me how casual people have gotten, especially the kids. What’s more annoying to me is how mundane cuss words are and how they show up so readily everywhere on posts, out of people’s mouths, in kids, etc. Cuss words have always annoyed me in general, but I understand the use of emphasis in particular instances. Sometimes there’s just no better way to express or deaden some pain. However, the banality born from continual overuse, cheapens and dampens the effect and therefore it’s just a word now that we know isn’t supposed to be used and yet is used commonly. These days it’s more for comedic emphasis than anything else. Just like how the hollow words “I love you” uttered routinely  by one person generally doesn’t have the same effect as if it came from someone who hardly ever uses it. Not to say that love shouldn’t be expressed, it just means more when used sparingly. Works on gestures too, like hugs or kisses. Pretty much every post these days will use f*ck or f*** or sh*t. Noooo no one knows what those words are and by putting asterisks on them it makes it OK somehow to use 8 of them in the same f***ing sentence in f***ing front of every f***ing word.

In a related sense, and yet not, I was reading one of those Reddit article things on effectively dumb things doctors have seen or heard from a patient. Some of the accounts were legitimately jaw-dropping given the lack of sense from these patients,  but others really gave insight to the mentality and jadedness of some of these practitioners. One guy was treating a patient who had made a poor decision in regard to caring for a wound, and said he really wanted to laugh hard at this guy who is in serious pain because he was so stupid. At what point do you lose the concept of humanity in dealing with people? I understand that some people are real pieces of work. I work in healthcare. I get it. Our patients say and do dumb things at times but they still are people. I am in awe at times, but once again, they are people and to them that  made sense. Now that they are in pain, will I continue to let them suffer? Will I sit there and ridicule them for their lack of knowledge? NO. My job and duty is to make them better, attempt to educate them and treat them as a person…maybe a bitter, festering sack of negativity and evil, but I won’t ridicule their pain. Laugh in their face.

Just like that one patient of mine who used to work in the ER. I was telling him about my dogs and how Gable had almost died in that surgery because he was bleeding out and had that indiscriminate mass in his foot and then needed a transfusion. He effectively told me that I wasted my money, why not just amputate the leg. When I explained, incredulous, that not only does he need that leg, my house is pretty much all stairs. Then he just shrugged and said, then put him down and get another dog. Just like that. This, folks, is why I try not to get to know other people too well. I tend to greatly dislike people the more I get to know them. He’s a physician. Isn’t it his job to protect life and work to save it? Nevermind that he’s a dog. He means a LOT to me, as if he were my son. If my son, or even if it was me, I’d want to try everything in my power to save that leg. Not just amputate it, not just give up and produce a new son. I kind of get where he’s coming from if he doesn’t understand or value animals as much as I do, but in the end, that’s a life. A life, and every life on this earth wants one thing: to live and survive. I think it deserves a chance. There’s a point at which you need to balance that with reality and the long run, but if there’s a good chance and a good prognosis, I’ll take it to preserve life. I’ll never see eye to eye with those who can’t see that.

I also understand coming from healthcare setting that being jaded is a true issue given what you see, but as I asked before, at what point does that overcome our grasp on humanity and life? Is every patient that comes to you just a peasant, a peon, who can’t possibly know nearly as much as you? Do you have to look down on people because you have a title, a status? Or are people just a body, textbook science, unfeeling, an experiment, and experience for you? They have brothers, sisters, pets, kids, grandparents, friends, co-workers. Someone loves them. They love someone.

I dunno, man. It’s particularly awful in men, I’ve noticed, though they’d accuse women of being “too emotional.” The military ones are the worst. Many men have this obnoxious sense of group mentality and having to be too-cool-for-school. It’s probably their way of coping with stress and horrors, without showing too much emotion and paving the way to perceived “weakness”. Everything is a joke, everyone is an idiot, make fun of those people. Ridicule your buddies. Be “one of the guys.” Distance yourself, nah it doesn’t effect me at all, and if it does, respond in anger, crudeness. It certainly works, but it sets up an environment of bullying, effectively. Let’s emotionally and psychologically flay this guy, I’m sure he’ll learn from that how to fit in with us. Common, as I was told, in firefighter groups and I assume in military situations. When it was explained to me, I completely balked as it was clearly emotional abuse. Debase these poor young men and boys until they’re desperate for affirmation of any sort. Like brainwashing. Except it doesn’t instill confidence, just bravado if the male makes it higher up in the hierarchy to hide the lack of self-confidence and then watch it happen all over again as they perpetuate the cycle. Predispose them to enjoy bullying the younger ones. Can’t wait for my turn to be at the top. Just like my dad.

Buh. How’d I get on this topic.

These night time surveillance recordings of mine are creepy to watch! Also very fascinating what we do in our sleep…or more accurately what I do in my sleep. No sleep walking as of yet!

The Unfinished Symphony. What a neato piece.

Ah Life

I’m cursed. I have to be. It hasn’t failed at all. Every. Single. Time. I plan to head South in order to accomplish stuff and move towards selling that house something happens that keeps me away. I have off this Friday and I planned originally to use it to mulch and do fence stuff given the fantastic weather (and it’s spring break). However. I can’t for two reasons. The first is that my original plan to buy mulch prior to arriving and having it delivered ( i have giftcards!) went down the drain when I realized that Lowes charges $75 for truck delivery, the price of which I could buy a good 25 bags of mulch. OK, so I’ll just haul it myself thank you. Then there’s the second reason which is this absolute ridiculous cable installation circus that has been ongoing for my grandparents.

I knew it was a bad idea, but they just kept insisting until I folded. I like that I have control over the account now, but to go back and forth and back and forth and have this AWFUL experience with problems is just insane. My uncle and my grandma’s sister has had zero issues as they too have switched to the company around the same time. WHY IN THE WORLD DOES EVERYTHING GO WRONG FOR ME. And of all people my grandparents who have no clue about anything. I mean it’s frustrating for them too being powerless, but it’s more frustrating for me having to be at work and trying to deal with this monster of a mess. My name being wrong. The package not being added. 80% of the channels not working. The ported number not being ported when it was told to me it would be done. Techs telling me everything is fine when it’s not and not having an answer. In general things that are supposed to be happening when they are not being worked on until I have to come in and check up on it. Then tack on top of it all my grandparents not understanding anything such as how to operate the TV but not wanting to ask or admit it until there’s a problem, putting pressure on me to fix things, asking me the same question a zillion times right after I already answered it. I had a feeling all of these issues with not understanding would pop up, that’s why I was hesitant to change anything they’re not already used to. I wasn’t anticipating the switch over would be so ridiculous and stressful. I’m also the kind of person that hates when there’s an unresolved, outstanding problem. How many times have I been in contact with them. I am not a rude person, and I am rather patient as I understand for people, but you know what, there’s a point where I must express my displeasure and unfortunately for the guy last night, he was being expressed to.

The short of it is that my day off is not going to be spent enjoying my house, it’s going to be spent AGAIN with my grandparents surely not coming up with good solutions to this stupid problem that shouldn’t have happened to begin with and no one seems to know why it’s happening. My brother and I decided that we’ve come up with a solution even if it falls through, with Amazon TV. It’s a fantastic idea, with only one hiccup which is the limitation of my grandparents. Yet again. If they’d just left it the way it was, it wouldn’t have been an issue.

I’m cursed. I tell you. Maybe it’s my house that’s causing all of these issues…maybe it doesn’t want to be sold to someone else, lol.

It just sucks you know, to be old. You don’t want to be a burden on people, but ultimately you are. Your brain and body just aren’t anywhere near where they used to be. I watch every time I see them, my grandparents looking older, weaker, and less able to grasp concepts or remember. The nice argument for having kids. If you didn’t, who’d take care of you? Then again, having kids isn’t a guarantee of anything if they hate your guts, but the chances are higher their sense of duty will kick in. I dunno, man.

MAN I hope this all resolves soon. What a stressful burden that shouldn’t be that way. If nothing else, it’s a fantastic indication of what would happen if you pulled my grandparents away from the environment they’re used to. Their ability to adapt is sadly nonexistent and whatever is left is dwindling away.

We tried to convince my mom last night that we want to be able to go to the beach just the 3 of us, with no other burdens no other responsibilities of the older people who are in truth very needy and hamper our time. I don’t mind it, but it would be a much truer vacation if it was just us. She’s been very stubborn about her parents. She answered neither way last night which is an improvement. I understand her position, but yeah. Well. No matter what, at least my brother and I can go. My mom DOES have 4 other siblings…

Is this the stress of having dependents? Taking care of others like kids or your spouse? It’s burdensome and exhausting. Sometimes it’s a fight in futility and other times it’s rather rewarding to see them happy. Doing it on your own is so very difficult.

yaaa

So when I woke up on Tuesday morning I was extremely tired despite having a seemingly fit-less night. Only 2 other things were very strange to me and they were that I had the longest continuing dream that I can remember to this date (see Resident Weirdo blog for details) and that I had a cut on the inside of my arm that ended in a pin bruise like I took something and cut myself before jamming it into my arm or I scratched up against a thorn–both of which I know for certain that I could not have done the night before. Then the first thing out of my mom’s mouth was, “did you walk around last night.” It all made sense but it’s creepy and worrisome. I did it when I was little, but I can’t believe I still do it now. There are other episodes where I think that I slept walked, but I couldn’t be sure–things like waking up with the bottom of my feet hurting as if I’d been walking, running or jumping all night, muscle pain inconsistent with any activity I had been doing the day before, and most telling, inexplicable bruises and abrasions. Sometimes they were quite decent. I’d joked about setting up a camera to record what I do at night, but I always ended up not doing that one because it’s expensive to have a long-recording camera which also needs a hard drive, and honestly I’m a bit afraid of what I’d see. What if I’m being possessed or abducted by aliens or worse, what if I’m doing really embarrassing things? Some things are better not known, but it’s been happening with a frequency that I’m getting worried.

Liana started coming into my room at night because of this, I think. It seems that she can tell if I’m about to do something. When she’s in my room I don’t walk as much. And if I dream about my dogs, I don’t walk either. That’s what’s worrisome…am I actually dream traveling too? Having the dream log really helps narrow things down. What a burden to be a living dream catcher. And what’s wrong with my mind and soul that it travels or is possessed or whatever. Anyways, in light of all of this, I think I might buy a camera after all. At some point. When I have extra cash. Which means several months in my future.

I’m sure the instant I get one, I’ll stop doing it. It’s not like I can know when I’m going to walk.

The males that I’ve kept in touch with are starting to perk up again. Must be the spring time or whatever. This one friend that I’ve long, since the beginning, told him I’m not attracted to him because we would just never get along started asking me weird questions that obviously meant that he was thinking about me as potential wife material again. Cue the eye roll. I’ve told him many times I’m not interested and we only just keep messaging each other because he said he doesn’t have many other friends. He’s a decent enough guy and I check in with him every so often as he’s in Kuwait with the Dept of Defense. However, he is NOT boyfriend material for me. I just like him as a friend, although at this point, it’s obvious that men and women can not be just friends in my life. In fact, from the very beginning and it hasn’t changed now, he makes me mad if I talk to him for too long. Like a naïve commenter that always makes me irritated. Others have started rearing their heads and apparently I still have accounts on some dating sites, so one in particular messaged me and I went to check it out, but I don’t pay for it, so I can’t see the messages. He answered my “questions” with all the same answers as me which was kind of interesting because most people don’t. He’s down South where my house is. And he’s Catholic. Wow. A little too perfect, don’t you think? I realized that all these dudes kept hitting up my account and so the best way to really test them out is to post real pictures of myself (the pics there were over 2 years old and therefore very misleading) with my very manly hair. Hah. Let’s see who messages who now. I really and truly have no intention of changing my hair for anyone. I like what I like.

Speaking of which, I’m not even all that interested in finding a new boyfriend at this point. Thinking about all of this, I’ve come to the exact same conclusion for the last several months: I’m actually happy now. Again. If I get into a relationship again, I’ll have to be in that glowy, sparkly, lovey state once more. There will be obligations and money and time and worry and such. How many people would be OK with me straight binging Monster Hunter from 9am to 6pm? I don’t like movies too much. I LOVE dogs, but I feel very strongly about discipline. My dogs are my life, it’s all for them. I don’t work full time. Right now I’m living with my mom and brother. I own a house but not in this area. I am such a paradox in so many ways. I sleep walk and am sleepily violent too.  I’m analytical. I have interesting theories about things. I read body language, and auras and believe in weird crap like dream traveling and ghosts and such, while being definitely Catholic. I think think think. I have a serious temper that is awful in the car. And really, I LIKE being able to sleep in a bed by myself. The peace and quiet of no one else in the room with me, no snoring, no lights, no nothing. I’m also supremely confident in myself which always translates to “too intense” and males are very turned off by it. Males don’t like when I can beat them at things. Or know more than them. Or can unravel their logic. Or speak my true mind.

Maybe I should find a woman. Lol.

RAGE

Friday! Well that came quick!

I spent yesterday morning in a rage because Idiot at work makes me SO ANGRY. Actually it was an unfortunate chain of events.

  1. My first patient was strangely grumpy (I’m starting to see why people like to see the same hygienist every time they come as opposed to different ones…I’ve been getting back some of mine that had been seeing other hygienists and they all exhibit the same mannerisms that I’m not used to: usually chill patients are suddenly nervous, especially when I come to certain areas in their mouths, they tremble a little when I’m working, they’re impatient and intolerant. This is all in opposition to the ones that have remained on my schedule with me) and nervous. That makes my life much more difficult when patients don’t trust me and don’t readily give me full reign of their mouth. 
  2. My doctor was taking her sweet time. What’s the difference here? She does this often and it annoys the heck out of me. However…
  3. Idiot was busy doing her chair jump habit which meant that I have no extra chair to go to. Things were going OK because our 2 patients were in the waiting room together still.
  4. My patient’s wife was already being seen. I hate when couples come together. I really do. When one spouse is seen, it makes the other one really impatient, a what-about-me mentality. Stress level and anger level greatly rising.
  5. 15 minutes in, doctor has JUST started doing the exam. 
  6. Cue Idiot who despite the fact that she’s getting an exam done in another room goes to get her next patient back because the assistant is too nice and always cleans her room even though she’s constantly using both rooms. That leaves just my patient in the waiting room.
  7. Finally done with my exam, but now they’re standing there, just talking. 
  8. 20 minutes late. I run into the room and start speed breaking down. Very upset now because no one has any respect for my schedule in the least. And who’s going to clean MY room, huh? I have to do it myself.
  9. I head to the back and ready myself to come back, since I always make my tray while waiting, I go to grab it. IT’S NOT FREAKING THERE. Guess who decided to take it? AGAIN. Rage level is almost at breaking point. I grab the tray that’s not mine and run for it.
  10. I run back to my chair. My previous patient and doctor have made it to the door but are still talking. Clean clean clean, make sure to slam as many things as possible. Trying to vent as much of my anger and quickly as possible before I bring back the next patient.
  11. I go to get him, but my patient is STILL THERE AND BLOCKING THE DOOR.
  12. She opens it and continues to talk to my doctor. I see my next patient who has gotten up and is about to ask the front desk about his appointment. I raise my voice above my prior patient’s back and call him back before he can say anything. I’m pretty sure it comes out as a bark and a command.
  13. He strolls back and I’m struggling to bring down the rage inside me. We start the appointment quickly and luckily for me he does something unintentionally hilarious and it helps me calm down.
  14. Idiot has been spouting idiocy nonstop the entire appointment. I don’t have time to get more upset with it, but it keeps my anger and rage simmering. My patient is a great patient. Large mouth, easy to see.
  15. Finally I’m almost done, but the floss that was on the tray I very rarely ever use because it gets stuck on some people. Unluckily for me, I manage to fray it and get it stuck in 2 of his teeth. Anger and frustration return instantly and I’m unable to maintain my relative calm attitude. I carefully solve the problem, and then go back with regular floss and remove the frayed pieces stuck.
  16. OK, done, finally. Idiot is still not doing work at all, just yakking. I’m about to leave and wash my hands of it all because THANK GOD I made it through without killing anyone, when my patient turns to me and asks my name. Not an uncommon question, so I tell him. Then. Then. He asks me the questions I LOATHE, DESPISE, HATE people asking me: “No, what’s your REAL name?” I give him a blank stare and a “huh?” So he asks again, “What’s your Chinese name?” I knew it. I must have given him a withering look (I have my mask on so you can only see my eyes) because he starts to falter a bit. ONCE AGAIN, I’m struggling to control my anger (i can feel my hands shaking and my chest is going to burst) as I respond with a shrug that it’s my real name. So then he asks once more, “what’s your family name?” I pause again for effect and the snarl behind my mask. “Oh you mean my last name?” He says yes so I respond and  get the HELL OUT. With speed.

I am SO ANGRY so I find my closest target, friend coworker and start griping to her about it. Apparently I was getting loud because she told me my patient was looking at me and then told me to go eat cheesecake. I rush into the breakroom, find my other coworker and start venting again, this time I could care LESS who hears me, in fact I want her to hear me, the entitled ass cow. Another coworker arrives and they manage to calm me down by volunteering food. I start thinking about doughnuts and fries and instantly I’m calm. Crazy, huh? I was fine the entire rest of the day.

Dislike

I dislike. Loathe. Dread. Weddings. I feel strongly about this. Especially now that 2 of my co-workers are engaged it’s really irritating that I’m always hearing about it. I’m not even sure exactly why I hate them, but there is just no doubt that I quite despise weddings. 

The planning. Everything leading up to them. The dresses. The people. The speeches. The presents. The attention. The money. Going to them. I just abhor weddings. 

Call me a humbug if you’d like. A buzzkill. A killjoy (my patient told me I was one today). Doesn’t change my opinion or my mind.

Maybe it’s what a hoopla weddings have become. Money pits. And for what? Free gifts from people? Attention? Oh look at me? I feel like it’s all just for show. Is there any meaning amymore to them? Brides wear white for purity. Exactly how many brides these days are actually pure? For tradition’s sake? 

You could say I’m jaded. You could say I’m jealous, that just because I don’t currently feel unbridled love for someone right now that I say this. Well, yes, I am jaded. I’m cynical. I’m scarred. But you can also translate that as realistic. When I was in the throes of love and passion, I still did not wish for a wedding. I just don’t like them. I get what they represent. I get that they are celebrations of a supposedly lasting legal commitment in the relationship of a couple. I have no issue with the ceremony or the celebration. 

I just don’t like weddings. Period. 

Now try to tell anyone that and see what kind of reaction I get. 

Livid

So. Guess who finally got back to me about my email? Only about 3 weeks later. On her own birthday. And just as I had anticipated, it was just as scathing and rollercoastery as I thought it would be, as well as somewhat mirroring my own basic email outline.

As I keep telling everyone, you have to understand my sister. People keep giving me advice on what to do, how to approach things, from the beginning, middle and currently. That’s great, but it only works if the other person is overly reasonable and objective. In this case, it’s not. She’s easily offended and becomes defensive almost instantly, lashing out and making a general fuss before switching emotions altogether. I only know because 1) I grew up with her and 2) duh, she’s related to me. I’ve spent much of my life trying to rein in and control my tendency toward those Dark Blood outbursts. In my opinion I’ve succeeded over the years, for the most part, in keeping things rather neutral at least initially and in in person, waiting to vent later. It’s very helpful when dealing with overly emotional patients as it is my job after all to deal with fearful, anxious persons day in a day out, all with various manifestations of the same emotion. Not to mention my failed relationship was rife with it. The best way, I’ve found in dealing with it all is to try and remain as objective as possible. Thanks to dating my ex, I’ve had some good training on how to approach a relationship argument, the choice of words, mindset, etc to keep it from blowing out of proportion as possible. In dealing with patients, it’s the exact same. Depending on my mood I may let some emotion in, but it’s all measured to the right amount as to jostle but not tip the bucket. There are nice things to say, then there are inciting things to say. The hardest part, of course, is to brush aside the pride, consider their side of it, agree with what should be agreed with, then get my own point across. By lowering yourself, you’ll be able to convince the other relax their shield arm.

Ironically, being a neutral 3rd party can be even more inciting than being emotional. Why does that infuriate people? You know what my siblings used to tell me when I was little? They said I had no logic and no common sense. I was purely booksmart and that was it. I dunno, I think I’m pretty reasonable. I’ll listen to you. I’ll think about your side of it. Then I’ll make a decision.

She accused me of many things, but what got me, was that she said I know nothing about her. Hah. You’d be surprised, sister. I know lots about you, but you know what’s more than knowing? Action. You can be all sorts of things, know all sorts of things, have all sorts of awards and accolades. What speaks higher than all of that combined, is action. You know something? Great. Prove it me. Utilize it.

It’s absolutely amazing the stuff that was in that email. So amazing, in fact, that I spent the next hour yelling about it to anyone in the house who would listen. Un-freaking believable.

Then again, I got exactly what I expected. It’s not uncommon especially in this day and age. People can’t have healthy conversation when every social media post or even newscast is about inciting emotional outrage.

Now that I’ve calmed down a bit to be able to dissect it all, it’s interesting how many of the wrong things she employed when it comes to argument/discussion. I hope she doesn’t use that on her husband. That’s how you create rifts. Like the one between us right now. Though, honestly, I don’t actually feel much emotion about it all at this very point in time. I was busy being furious earlier, but once it’s done, it’s gone now. Now I still have that throbbing resentment that’s been in me all this time, but that’s about it. Almost robotic. If she wants to stay in that Dark Blood pool of not-letting-things-go, then more power to her, but I’m not like that anymore. I try very hard not to let it get me down any longer. I may feel one way about a person, as survival would have it, but I do try and see redeeming factors in people. It’s just those like Idiot at work who make it almost impossible to think nicely about a person, but you know, if she has a good point, I’m not about to refute it just because I dislike her. If she has a point, she has a point. Doesn’t make me like her more.

That’s one thing I like to think I made an impact on my ex with: not devolving into emotional breakdown and pointless screaming matches. Especially when everyone’s egos are at stake (cue the eyeroll). It was like that at first, passionate arguments, but eventually it became very understanding on both sides, as we tried to work things through. Obviously it didn’t work, but at least we didn’t have full on rage matches. And when I told him it was over for good, I didn’t want to leave it petty and stupid, so I wished him a happy and peaceful life. It wasn’t sarcastic, it was true and heartfelt. If he took it as sarcastic, then I feel bad for him because then it is indeed true that he knew nothing about me at all.

My mom is taking it all rather hard, though. She thinks it’s all her fault. It’s not. My sister should be more cognizant of people other than herself. I don’t know if that will ever change, given that it’s the major downfall of my dad. That and being able to set aside that ego to see the truth. Maybe it will now that she has to think about her son. Not to say that my ego is tiny, haaa because it’s like a hot air balloon. But I try hard to swallow it and at least consider other people’s feelings. In the end, though, who’s losing the most here and who’s gaining the most? Think about it.