I need to plug in my laptop

But it’s all the way downstairs….

Just finished scrolling through my newsfeed which I’ve been trying not to do as much of in Fbook for several reasons including the skew of social media (or any media really), dumb people’s comments and click bait spurring people into emotions. I mean, given social media and the life we live in now, running your life on pure emotion is encouraged, practiced, and honed to perfection. It’s important to care about people and things, but just like everything else in life, there’s a limit to how much to care. Too little and you become selfish and inhumane, too much and you become incredibly easy to be offended and outraged and jump to conclusions. Mix the two together and it doesn’t equal out, in fact, I feel like that’s what the internet is. Nature strives for balance, and humans are not immune, so in our own sometimes twisted logic, we “balance” our negativity with “reason” or “logic.” Now…is that logic sound? You can convince yourself of anything, really. Many times when I *shudder* read internet comments I find that half of the people merely read the headline or title but not the article itself and yet still wish to express their uneducated and uninformed opinions. This is already evident in product reviews. There was a funny “Amazing World of Gumball” episode yesterday parodying just this about the internet. People use their emotions to be outraged about a topic without fully understanding the gist of it, then when they are refuted, or their fallacy is pointed out, they pull on emotions again instead of stopping to think and admit that, yes, I was wrong to not probe more deeply into the matter. Now if that if it had been an in person argument, the internet flaming tirades would never have made it that far, because we are in-person, well, people, and missing that defensive, face-shielding barrier of the internet. I’m not even talking anonymity, just the disconnect and inability to read body and tonal language.

Hah…I should know. My failed relationship was 70% faceless, emotion-based, internet interaction, complete with misinterpretation, and volatile, impersonal arguments and comments that had it been in person would never have been said or felt. Interestingly, there was a development of persuasion and neutrality as it went on to prevent such volatile behavior, but that ultimately backfired too, because neutrality or perceived indifference can be (and was) even more painful than passionate flames.

According to this article I just read, an expert on communication reports that only 7% of communication is verbal. 50-some percent is body language and the rest is tonal. Well, there you go. Just backing up my argument with numbers. And staggering numbers at that. Even I was surprised at how little the verbal portion encompasses and I’m all about reading body cues. No wonder we failed and no wonder the internet flame wars will never end.

Speaking of which, this month is 5 months from my breakup date. It feels like it has been a year at least, but I’ve only hit 5 months. Guh. There was a cute new patient at work the other day about my age. He was half-Japanese, intelligent, calm, and judging by his body language, interested in me. He studied my ring-less finger, was unable to make eye contact with me for too long, and would steal glances at my face/eyes as I was working. I have to admit that my heart was racing a little too and feeling more giddy than usual, but I kept my professionalism because it is unethical for a professional to get into a relationship with a patient. It’s very much frowned upon, actually. And the kicker and somewhat proof I wasn’t making it up? As I lay him back to get started, he asked me if I was from around the area. Hey, man, that’s my line for my patients!! My patients never ask me that first and not that quickly that’s for sure. The funny thing is that I was about to ask him just that and it made me smile behind my mask. Damn professionalism. His calmness, intelligence, ability to admit that he doesn’t know something…that’s the kind of person I’m looking for. Oh well. He does live in MD, so eh. Sigh.


Tree gone

And I missed it. My mom took pictures, though, which helped. She said it was really quite awesome how they did it. Still wish I’d been able to see it. The dogs apparently had no clue what was going on and finally when Liana figured it out, she was standing at the door alert, muscles contracted and wanted to bark. Haha. She’s so cute. The stumps are still there and we haven’t paid them yet (I went out and counted: 12 rings) so it’s not over yet. I am sad at my view and lack of shade now, though I’m glad given the threat of it falling onto the neighbor’s and our house, plus the damage the squirrels have caused using it as a highway to the roofs. How am I supposed to feed the birdies now? I guess I can be like a few houses down and do the ones that connect to the deck, even if we’re technically not supposed to according to the HOA.


My mom had to go to the NIH last week because her eyes are so bad and untreatable with conventional treatments. Heredity is the reason for it, and so they’ll do experimental genome therapy. Better than nothing. Apparently the doctor said that if her other eye starts doing the same thing, he’ll take away her driving privileges. It’s that bad. She said she plans on not driving anymore after so many years and I’m like, what??? I mean, I understand the medical concerns, but then what? Who’s going to drive her around? Every time I say I’m going to buy a house a move out into it, she gets upset and says things like, you can’t leave with Gable still alive. She gets like that every time I say I’m going to stop living with her. What do you want me to do, mom? Be your caretaker forever? If you want me to start a family or do anything normal, I have to leave. I WANT to leave. This is exactly why I kept telling her to find someone. Someone who can love and take care of her. At this rate, how can she take care of my grandparents? I toyed with the idea of just using the money from selling my house to just pool into a larger home, but that’s not the point. I don’t want to be held down forever. I WANT to be able to live on my own and not be accountable to anything. Why is it that I have been unable to procure my own freedom my entire 3 decades on this earth? In the USA?

I keep blaming my housing situation as part of the reason my relationship failed even though I know that really it just wouldn’t ever work out, because I do believe it’s true. I’ve refused to even entertain the thought of looking again until I next year when I’m supposed to be selling my house because I need my own place to do that. I’m still keeping up with real estate in the hopes something affordable will come by. They do. I’m just not free to make that move. It’s part selfish, but how can you hold me to this? I care tremendously for my mom, of course, but when am I supposed to be able to live life as I want it? To have my house as I want it set up. Not with my mom, not with my brother tagging along, not all set up so that my sister can benefit from it. What is my destiny? To be a crutch for everyone?

Rant rant rant.


What the heck is wrong with these people? REALLY!!!?!?? First off, remember I misunderstood their poorly laid out calendar of events about their crack sealing and line painting and ended up parallel parking for the first time in years? Ok, fine, misunderstanding, I didn’t read it well. I’ll take that. So we’re in the sealing week and I’ve looked closely at the calendar to make sure this time we got it right. OK. Our street is being done on Wednesday. Check. They just did the section they said they would today. Check. I went by this morning to snoop and make sure they actually were going to do anything this time. A couple years ago, they did concrete work and kept threatening towing all the cars if not removed by 7am, except that they did literally NOTHING all day long. Anyways, this morning was good, my mom asked if we need to move the cars, and I’m like, no the calendar clearly says our street on Wednesday August 30th. I even circled it with a pink Sharpie. Around 3:30-4:00pm, I find myself feeling extremely restless, like I need to walk the dogs, like, NOW, but why? It’s not even remotely close to 6pm and the earliest I walk them is 5pm. So I go out at 5:30pm, still early for a Monday, and I see to my alarm that they’ve set up a sign in our street. I go to read it and it says, “Paving tomorrow, Tuesday the 29th. Move cars by 7am.” Rage fills my heart and rush back to get m brother to move my car because it’s 5pm and everyone is coming home from work and the first day of school. He rushes out the move it to my immense relief. On the way home, I stop by the area they sealed and painted, and lo and behold, they’ve not removed the barricades yet. So. Allll those cars have nowhere to park now, coming home from work and mixed in with the cars from our street. I go inside after the walk and clear as day it says: Wednesday, August 30th. For our street.

The original street they were going to do are all townhouses with driveways, which means less cars, less surface area, and they don’t have to paint any lines or numbers which equals less time. Thinking about those logistics, that would make more sense to help the clogged spots on the street. They made a plan, so stick with the freaking plan. WTH is wrong with you?? I’m sure they have their reasons, but wth. The cherry on top of everything, is that it’s supposed to rain tomorrow, PLUS, it’s trash/recycle day. So cherries, I guess. So, the rain date is the original date which is Wednesday. What that means, is that we all have to stay parked on the street possibly through Thursday and possibly nothing will be done tomorrow.

Speaking of HOA. We finally got approval for the tree. The one week before our trip that we can’t do anything because of all this road work. And you know they didn’t even acknowledge the application until we sent the paper, physical copy? OK, I understand that legally speaking, yes, paper is the legit way to do it, but you could have at least let us know via email (btw. My HOA down South accepts via email or at least very responsive by email because, well, we live in 2017, and they’re reasonable humans). And then this cow poop where on PAPER they say one thing, but in real life, oh, haha, fyi, change of plans. LOL. We’re doing your street first. Because we HOA and can do what we like. BTW, why won’t anyone in the neighborhood volunteer for the HOA? No one cares about their community?

HOAs are supposed to help communities, not detract from them. Or threaten constantly. TOW YOU. FINE YOU. EVICT YOU. I TOOK A PICTURE OF YOUR OFFENSE. HAH. At least that was my understanding.

Natural People

…As much respect as I have for going organic and nature in general, “natural” or “homeopathic” people drive me crazy. I work in a field where scientific evidence is at the core of what we do. There’s no denying science is the real deal, as much as people try to. One of my co-workers got into yoga and if you know anything about yoga peeps they all go “natural” with their essential oils, incense and crazy crap. For a time she was doing the detox, no carbs, etc etc diets and all sorts of stuff to reduce “toxins” from her body. I’m not refuting the efficacy of certain ones because I, myself, have been using some my whole life. The whole idea of “Chinese medicine.” Menthol for muscle pain, stuffy noses, (Vicks Vaporub!), Lavender puts you to sleep, the power of tea, and so on and so forth. Recently she’s been doing essential oils and is trying to start a brand with a friend for essential oil soaps, or whatever.

I mean, I’m all for supporting her, but time and time again I’ve warned her (nicely) about the potential risks of all this crap. There is not enough scientific evidence to support medicinal/therapeutic uses for these things. Similarly to “natural” supplements, they’re not FDA regulated, and therefore not required to provide risks or contraindications. In fact, you use it all at your own risk. She says, that’s why you do your research, but are those sites legit? And also, the worst part about these “natural” things, they don’t actually have to prove that the concentration of their product is 100% pure….it could be anything thrown in there…you know, people trying to make a quick buck. And then there are allergies. There is someone in this world allergic to basically everything out there. When you think business, my first concern is liability…as should everyone. No matter how much benevolence you aspire to or is the push behind an idea, you must think of liability in this day and age. She asked me my opinion on her brand thing and I straight up told her that I wouldn’t ever use them. Some days she’s like, I have a headache so I dabbed essential oils on my head. And she has a diffuser at work which while she means well, could possibly cause an allergic, respiratory reaction in some people coming through. This is why the medical field prohibits you from wearing perfume around patients. I always give her a look, but there’s only so much bubble busting you can do, you know?

I don’t know how many of these type of people I’ve been running into lately. I mean, whatever, I’m not them, they can do what they think is appropriate, but from a third party perspective, how much of it is worth the time and money? Things that make you “more calm” in my experience usually does the opposite in the long run and beyond that, the effects are most likely temporary or have unintended side effects….like Chapstick. Addiction. Your body becoming dependent upon this external function because why waste energy doing something when there’s something else taking care of it? Better to allocate resources to this minor infection. I swear in the end it’s mostly mindpower. The power of suggestion.

OK…that tears it.

No video games today…unless it’s on my DS. As my late post last night proved, I spent the ENTIRE DAY playing Assassin’s Creed Revelations and finishing it. Then I watched that movie and spent an hour and a half writing about it from my phone (ugh) because it was stuck in my head. MEANING….I got zero sleep. And all of my dreams were annoying and scary and not restful at all (ghosts and pretty much assassin’s creed stuff). I went to sleep wide awake, and woke up wide awake. Kind of a good thing, though because I heard Gable and rushed him outside so he could pee. I hate having shallow sleep dreams, which is exactly why I don’t nap. My shallow sleep dreams are always disturbing. Always. Like it’s the wrong mental plane for dreaming…half realistic and half fake to the point where I don’t always know which is which.

Last night I was complaining about my overly religious cousin in Alabama who is always asking for prayers about the dumbest things. Last night pushed me over the edge when she wrote, “prayers for the AC in [her husband’s, my direct cousin] car!” OMG. Stop asking for prayers about car seats and inane things like that!!! If there’s a problem, go fix it. No amount of prayers or faith is going to magically help the A/C work better in his car when it’s not life or death. If the car seat is broken, go get a new one. Let me get out there, that they are not poor. They’re not amazingly rich either, but they’re not poor. Prayer doesn’t work like that. You can pray, but go freaking do things instead of sitting around asking for prayers. My mom and I start arguing and she’s right that I’m flying a little off the handle about it because she means no harm by the statement, but to me, that’s the kind of person (unfortunately a pervasive type of religious thought prevalent in the south) who falls the hardest because in times of not great need they are asking for prayers and calling on God (unless you’re Catholic, you don’t believe in saints…it all goes to either the big guy or Jesus), what happens when something catastrophic happens and no help arrives? Kind of like crying wolf. My co-worker is Ethiopian Christian (which is super religious…my Catholicism is like a cakewalk compared to that) and she said something the other day which I thought was pretty awesome: she said (I don’t always understand exactly what she says with her accent) she doesn’t want to ask God for things because he’s already too busy with so many people and things much more important than our very minor issues. That’s the kind of caring thought I ascribe to. That’s the use of saints, btw, you don’t gum up the channel because there are other channels.

Prayer is a directly related to faith. Prayer is the vehicle to faith and hope and solace. Prayer in and of itself doesn’t accomplish anything tangible…which is why it’s usually about people’s well-being, for guidance, that kind of thing…not selfish, materialistic crap. Like a car or the lottery, though it doesn’t stop me from hoping. I don’t pray about it because that’s dumb, but haha. My mom used to work with a woman who truly believed and her church believed that if she asks God for money, he will give her money. She’s thinking cash. If you read the Bible at all, any mention of giving people cash? Hah. My mom eventually argued with her and she stopped believing that, but it just gives you insight to how people view religion. To me, that’s step one to religious extremism.  Things always work out anyways, and that “money, riches” you want will be given to you in some form but in order to receive, you need to what? Give. Do something that will make you eligible to provided for. You can’t just sit there and expect things to come to you on an conveyor belt while you watch TV, right? Faith can accomplish amazing things. No matter what religion you are or have. Even faith in humanity or life or time or existence. Because faith is hope. THAT is what Christianity is, btw. Love, faith and hope. Simple as that.

On the other end of the spectrum I freaking HATE another one of my friends on Facebook. I only know her through dog interests and I decided that aside from that I would greatly dislike her. Anyways, she’s constantly saying how glad she’s not religious and downing religion in every way. Which is fine in and of itself because that’s her prerogative and her right to believe whatever. However, it happens a lot with her and that’s getting annoying too. She could easily say that in a different way without bringing religion into it. These days I’m almost afraid to post anything regarding God or Christianity and God-forbid Catholicism, because it’s so taboo now and you’re immediately placed in the sheeple/weak-minded/anti-science category. So I stay away from it for the most part. So why is it then OK to shame, degrade, and flame?

Obviously I am really in my fighting emotional state. It’s like I have a chip on my shoulder.

Today I planned to do non-electronic things like crafty stuff and cleaning my room because I really am allergic to something really bad in this room. I would love to start something crafty again. Too bad I can’t afford anything. My ultimate goal with sewing is to make an Assassin’s Creed costume. That would be so cool. A Marth costume would be awesome too! Because I can make the armor and everything! This is when I wish I had more space to work with belt sanders and a workspace in a basement or a garage or something where I can spread out. What would I do with all of these costumes, though? Eh just the joy of making it is good for me.

A friend posted something in the Richmond Times Dispatch about how binge TV watching is ruining your life. Since my late teens, I made the conscious decision to not watch continuous TV shows or anime. I can trace it all back to spending an entire summer absolutely obsessed with Sailor Moon Super Stars. From the moment I woke up to when I had to pull myself away for dinner. Then I’d watch well into the night and wake up early and do it again. I was like a zombie. And then when it was over I was depressed, like, clinically depressed, for at least a week thereafter, looking for fanfiction, fan art, anything, to keep it going. When I finally shook it, it all hit me hard, the reality of what had just happened. I have an obsessive tendency. No more anime. No TV shows like that. I mean, when you’re binge watching, what are you accomplishing? Absolutely nothing at all. You really are like a zombie. No brain activity, no movement, a lot of times, you don’t even want to go to the bathroom. The movie tells you exactly everything: how the characters look, sound, act, how the world looks. Books do the same thing, but you are allowed the freedom and brain function of deciding and imagining on your own those details. Have you ever watched a live action and THEN read the book? You can’t get the image and nuances of the actor our of your head. The imagination is gone. Or even the other way around when you watch the movie and you’re like, that’s not how I pictured that at all. This is why I stick with books and video games. Video games mostly fall into a middle category where you’re told what things look like, but you control what is happening in your own time, and give an even more expansive story if you care to do side quests that expound on characters. They’re interactive books, at least the story driven ones. Some of the decision games allow you to shape the game to you liking. With movies and the episodic TV shows, I feel like I’ve wasted hours and days of my life with nothing to show for it. Books expand the mind because you used it. Video games increase hand-eye coordination and you still feel like you accomplished something. Movies leave me feeling like, yeah that was a good story, but I still feel like I could’ve been doing something.

Don’t get me wrong, I like movies, but it depends on what and with whom. Same with TV. I still love watching TV because it’s a good unwind, but I like shows where the episodes can stand on their own. Cops. Animal Cops. NCIS. Criminal Minds. And I love cartoons. Mostly for movies and TV shows I like tasteful things, though. I don’t like my mind turning into mush…unless it’s making me laugh. A good laugh. A silly laugh. Not a malevolent derision kind of funny. Also, I do watch anime, but only video game based ones. Those usually only have about 12-15 episodes. The OAVs. I guess manga fall into the mid-range too of the scale of brain activity.

Ugh. This is probably why no one likes me. Too complicated. Too critical. Too strange.



There. I’ve Done It.

I am now 100% rid of M.

I texted him last night about returning his belongings because why in the hell was he not responding to me. He responded with I don’t know what belongings you’re talking about, and that for my information they had a failed cpr last night. I texted him this morning about his clothes and his beret and stuff and he started getting annoyed telling me to just trash everything and he didn’t want to deal with anything this week because someone just died on him last night. That’s when I started getting annoyed because holy crap then WHEN am I supposed to do this? He’s been giving me excuses excuses and more excuses. And not to be disrespectful, cold and mean, but unfortunately, that’s going to be your reality and you knew it going in. Even now, after all this time he still has yet to figure out how to deal with stresses, shrug them off, not internalize them, find an outlet, not take things personally. I understand that trying to revive someone and having them die on you underneath your hands is extremely awful and once again I have terrible timing, and I was willing to let it go another week, but I could sense the underlying current and I KNEW that if I didn’t pursue this now he would get more and more upset. That’s him and been him since I first knew him. One little stressful event and he’s out for and entire week or more. Can you imagine a big stressful event? Essentially there was, is and will be no “best time” to do this. Plus, I know he’s home and that it won’t sit out in the rain. Likely if I put it off he’d never respond to me again and I really and truly did not wish to involve his mom in this.

Speaking of rain, how appropriate that the sky is crying. He starts getting all upset and responding like an immature teenager. I could sense the immense grief behind his scathing words, but I had a goal. What about me, huh? I have to stare at these items of his every day. Every single day. I have more memories of him here in this house than he does of me at his. He forgot about them. Just like he’s so quick to forget everything. About me. Always has. Said things and would forget he said them. I tell him good, when he tells me to do what I want and I said I’m coming to drop them off of the doorstep and he FLIPS OUT and says that he’s going to leave and to not get his family involved with this. I’m like, OMFG who do think I am? You think that me, I, am going to come crawling with an insipid and demeaning ploy to SEE HIM???? Am I to come crawling back and trick him into seeing me??? OMFGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.

I was LIVID. So I leave and am driving super angry through the rain, drop off the bag, and text him saying how absolutely appalled I am at how little he knew and knows of me to think I am base enough to crawl back and cause drama. I had said over and over again that it was just a drop off, no seeing, no talking he didn’t want to hear it and kept thinking delusionally that I was trying to force him into seeing me because I knew he was home. I wished him a happy life and promised that he would never hear from me again. I took the long way home and sitting through traffic the tears just kept coming but mostly because now I understand exactly what he thought of me. I don’t know what kind of girls he had in the past but while I was seeing him he’d make these weird assumptions and generalizations about me, things that are “typical” of girls. He NEVER knew me. EVER. Even now he thinks I’d come back like his ex’s and try to mess up his life. No. NO. I am NOT that kind of person. I have integrity, pride and respect. How could he think so lowly of me after all this time?

It’s painful. More painful than anything we’ve been through up to now, to know that he KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT ME. About what kind of person I am. I told him that a couple times when we were together, but it never got through.

You can’t. CAN’T. help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. He’s trapped in his mind, in his past, in his ways and nothing can bring him out. That’s why I gave up. I did. I admit it now. I gave up.

Keep thinking that way, man. Be bitter. Be mad. No other relationship ever in your life will ever be successful unless you give it up.

I get it now. I get why anger is essential after a failed relationship. I tried so DAMN HARD to be cordial, to understand for him, be civil, to try and be adult and mature, but it was a mistake. A bloody mistake. Because he’s still a petulant child who never grew up, and probably never will.

You know what the last thing he texted back to me after I wished him a happy life and said goodbye? He said: “whatever.” Like a kid throwing a hissy fit.

I’m done. I’m through. Immaturity at its finest. I will still strive to prevent myself from entertaining hate, loathing and resentment because they are toxic attitudes and detract from my growth. I will still look upon our past and memories with fondness because they were enjoyable and a happy part of my life.

Maybe now with the last factor out of the way, I can move on.

…I truly hope he can too.

Something so simple as returning articles made so horribly dramatic and difficult. And why? Misconceptions. Assumptions. Selfishness. Not everything is about you, ok? And until you realize that, nothing in life will work for you. That’s my caveat for any girl in his future, my advice. Be aware of his full blown selfishness. He thinks 85% of the time about himself and has no time for you. A taker and very infrequently a giver.

GOD. I WISH AND PRAY TO GOD that I not become like him nor that I let this negativity permeate me and my future.

I keep returning to that question I keep asking, “Can men and women just be friends?” And I say, no, not after a relationship. Unless the two are that cooperative and have the same level of maturity and respect for each other.

Time to drown myself in video games.

Day 3

1:00am: Liana yelped loudly and sought me out. She lay in my room and I fell asleep.

5:30am: Liana yelped again and came back to my room to find me, but left immediately.

7:00am: Both dogs are in my room.

8:15am: Liana tried to get up and yelped again. I figure it was time to get up to walk them, so I did. She went quickly down the stairs and kitty-dogged behind me, waiting for her leash and collar. Same as I was putting on my shoes. Gable made way for her as she wanted her place begin first out the door. She carefully navigated the porch steps and used the grass to come down the hill as usual. A little faster today, so we went our normal route. She seemed grateful for routine and normalcy. We still try to keep her pace which is roughly half our normal speed. She pooped well today, no backside weakness. Didn’t seem all the interested in squirrels today. I watched her gait and it seems the L side in general is off, more on the back L than in the past. Almost fell over peeing when she forgot she’s not totally well. I also noticed that she can’t/won’t pick up her head past a straight hold. She gets tired very quickly, breathing and panting heavily, and moving slowly just about 2-3 minutes into the walk. Ran into the house and up the stairs relatively quickly (almost like she wanted to keep up with Gable).

8:43am: Tried to give her medicine and she was just as impossible to deal with, not wanting it at all. Thought about stopping the Rimadyl as a test, but I figure it’s only been 3 days and honestly I’d hate to hear the screams again just yet. Gave her a treat today for taking her medicine and she readily takes treats.

9:00am: Discussed findings with my mom, including the new development of my noticing the L side possible deterioration of the back. I humored the idea of a stroke? but that would have happened instantly, right? And wouldn’t have manifested in knuckling of her front leg. She is definitely moving faster now and feels better overall, but is reminded and frequently sobered by the sharp pains she feels when she’s not careful. I read the medical reports they uploaded onto the app and it seems the doctor is very hopeful with an overall good prognosis.

9:25am: Went to go put mail in the mailbox by myself and while I was looking for my flip-flops, she ook-ooked loudly from atop the staircase, expressing her concern. I go out and when I come back she was busy at the window highly concerned about my return. While this is relatively normal behavior, they’re usually excited (because I normally take them with me) and not so concerned. She seemed relieved when I came back up and went to lay down again.

9:30am: Started incorporating canned food on a more regular basis to help entice her to eat. She shows much interest, but is still so food picky. She ate the 3 pieces of cut meat on top, but left the rest of the canned food (Wellsey Farms from Tristan’s leftover stock) even though she actually came into the kitchen in search of food when I was making it. I can’t tell if this is normal behavior or something amiss.

10:00am: I’m upstairs taking a breather from the dogs while my mom and brother are in the living room keeping an eye on them, when I hear her ook-ooking below. I wander down and my mom thinks that it’s because Gable took the bed she wanted, but she looks up at me with those little eyes and typically if she wants something, she just takes it or lies somewhere else (there are 4 large beds there). She displays similar behavior at night: restlessness and whining/making other noises and just standing around like she wants something or is confused. It breaks my heart a little. Every time she makes some sort of progress, something else seems to go south, renewing my worries. I can’t feel overwhelmingly hopeful about all of this. I chalked it up to the loud video game so they turned down the sound. Gable has since joined me up here.

I looked at myself in the mirror today and damn I look old. Heck, I feel it. This year has been extremely unlucky and full of heartache and stress for me…it’s only half a year done. First Gable (almost losing him), then all my patients dying on me, then my failed relationship, money troubles, house-situations troubles, my dad being an asshole, unexpected car expenses and now Liana. I have shed more tears than I ever thought I had in me, been tormented by extreme feelings and emotions, and I don’t believe for an instant that it’s over. The thought crossed me: is it just fate, luck or karma? I can’t help but remember that it is the year of the Rooster–the worst year for my sign–and all the negative fortunes I had for New Year’s this year.

I don’t doubt that I’ll make it, because I’m not one to lie down and just give up, but good golly these ruts are really taxing. The road ahead is extremely daunting and full of obstacles, but I know smoother roads will be there. Someday. Right? Buh.