Category: rant

Sister Trouble

Remember how when this whole business started I hoped and prayed that it wouldn’t strain our relationship? Well. There you go.

So last week I sent another e-mail to her about moving out. Mind you this is October. I sent the e-mail back in January telling her she had one year to leave. It wasn’t a nice email but then again I didn’t mean it to be because guess what? It’s, well, October. 10 months from the original notification. While yes I did tell her that she had until January, there has been plenty of time to move out. This was before even the whole baby thing. When they came up and announced they were having a baby back in April/Mayish, I took the opportunity, in person, to recommend they really think about moving before the baby arrived because there’s no way anyone would want go move with an infant around. Their response? Oh but we don’t want to change doctors. We’ll move right after the baby. Already a dumb decision. Then I started on to recommend if they can’t afford a house yet then at least rent. Oh no, we won’t rent. It’s a waste of money. We want a garage. So on and so forth with excuses and unrealistic wants. “I only want to move once.” Stupid things like that. At the time I had given the 1 year time frame and I was seriously regretting having been so generous but hey, I had stuff I still needed to do before selling anyways.

Well. They bought new cars. One was practical, a RAV4, the other completely dumb luxury hybrid. A want, not a need. He drives a car given to him for work why would he need an expensive car? They have no money for a down payment right? What about the baby? Student loans? A mortgage??? Then they wanted a dog. What are you going to do, subsist off ramen and pancakes? Owning a home is freaking expensive. Cell phone bills. Utilities. Personal property tax. Internet. Things go wrong. HOA fees. Owning a dog is even more unbelievably expensive and we’re not just talking money. Time. Patience. They need food. Vet bills. What are they going to do, dump the dog on me when they want to go somewhere? Dump the baby on my mom? They have no right to be picky about anything at all. They only sometimes pay me anything to live there and even then it’s not even half of the mortgage.

Do they have no consideration for others? How am I related to her???

I ask them to do me favors since I’m not there. For instance, I asked her to do the fertilizer for me since I already bought it but didnt have time to do it. Her answer (to my face here) was, “no you’re going to have to do it.” I asked her from the very beginning multiple times, in person (to both of them), in email, in text, to call someone about the siding. I will pay for it. She says, oh yeah, or doesn’t even acknowledge it. He says, “yeah yeah yeah I know.” Nothing happens. I asked him to do the mulch in the back for me. His mother does it instead. His only job is to mow the lawn. Now my neighbor is doing it. I HATE being indebted to people. I dont care how nice he is (and he is). What THE HELL does my brother in law do. Seriously. I buy a new fridge like a good landlord the day it went busto (which I still think was their fault but that’s not the point here) and all they do is complain about it. I don’t even know if they change the air filters for the HVAC once a month.

You know, I felt bad, ok, when he was being a deadbeat and they were subsisting solely on my sister’s wages. They had to buy generic everything. I felt awful. I asked him a couple times why he didnt apply for a part-time job at least and he would say boredly, “Oh, I applied at Best Buy….” Is that it? Just one place. Now he has a job. Ok then, take charge of your family and chop chop let’s go. Nope. Lots of excuses and I still don’t see much to show from it all. Just poor buying practices.

I really feel like I’m being taken advantage of by my own sister and they’re very ungrateful. It’s not my house anymore. It doesn’t feel like it. The only place that feels like mine is the backyard which I love so much. Heck, none of us want to go down there anymore. We used to go all the time and now it’s just excuses to not go. I hoped so badly when everyone warned me in the beginning (friends, coworkers, patients, relatives) about this arrangement that it would never become this because she’s my own sister. God knows that I would never dream of doing this. If I was down on my luck and needed to, you know I’d be grateful and out of their hair as quickly as I could. I just thought that because I was helping her out that she would think of me too. In the beginning it was mutually beneficial but not anymore. Hasn’t been for a year now and the more they make poor decisions and act entitled the more resentment builds within me. It shouldn’t have been this way. Now I know to never rely on them ever if I can help it.

They’re stubborn, demanding, and unreasonable given that they literally can’t afford to be.

And now she’s upset at me although she has no right to be. They have no leg to stand on. And she wants me to be able to talk to her? The one who is so easily offended by everything? Yeah that went well the last time we were in person. They told me they’d get a realtor in September. Guess what darling, it’s not September anymore.

The resentment keeps growing and of course their birthdays and the holidays are creeping up. She hasn’t graced me with images of the baby in a week now. Ooo she’s mad alright. But my mom is still getting them.

She knows I’m right. Even if they won’t and can’t admit it. Any 3rd party can see it. The only people who can’t are them.

I said it before, but I’m tired of taking care of people and getting nothing in return. When is someone going to take care of me? I’m grateful to my mom and brother for their help and support. I guess it’ll always just be me. At least I’ll always have myself. These one-sided relationships are not all that fun.

I’m not looking for repayment. I don’t want their money even if I’m in debt myself. Heck, that’s why I agreed to all of this in the first place: to help them out financially. I just want to be able to finally think about my own future again. Great you started a family. So act like one and take responsibility. Let my life move forward too.

It’s petty, negative and depressing to deal with this. Can’t wait until it’s finally over.



This past weekend? Well, it was heralded by coming home from work to a very hot house. Which meant…wait for it…NO A/C!!!! It might be fall now, but it feels like summer and will continue to do so until the end of the month. So I get home and tired and start arguing with my mom about not servicing the unit which I’ve suggested and she knew about for years now, season after season. We yell back and forth, me knowing that I shouldn’t have said that and she knowing she should have indeed done it, because it’s not my house after all and yet I’m living in it. WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO LITERALLY DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE. Everyone else is afraid to? I DON’T GET IT. I have to do stuff for my grandparents because my uncle and my brother don’t want to and then fight over responsibility until I just get fed up and do it because the only person losing here are my grandparents. I don’t even know anything, THEY do, they just don’t want to be the one responsible for it all. Then at home, not my house and I actually go to work on weekdays, still have to do everything. Once again, all the other adults are too afraid. Then in MY HOUSE which I’m not even living in, I still have to do everything and can’t rely on them for a single task because they literally just don’t do it. Straight up. But that’s another rant that will make me angry to post about.

Well. I ended up feeling bad. She called the guy who installed the HVAC and I already knew he wouldn’t respond because I couldn’t find him anywhere online, so I started looking up other people. By this time it was so late it would’ve been worthless to call anyone, so we settled down to endure it through the night. It’s nothing new, we endured this back then in much worse conditions like dead summer. We as humans can adapt. I left the window open and curtains open the entire night. The sound of crickets, traffic and neighbors talking filled my ears, but that’s not what was horrible about it. The humidity was present, but once again, not extreme as it is autumn now. I usually have to have some sort of covering on me at night, but I found myself spread-eagle on the bed with nuthin. It didn’t feel bad. Until I woke up around 2am because Gable was dying of heat. He was breathing hard and heavy right at my feet, so I had to get up and set up a fan for him. Took a little while but he finally tried to sleep. That’s when I realized that as humans with no fur we can take it, but dogs (and these are greyhounds with very little fur) can’t. Plus, they’re both elderly. I proceeded to have bad dreams (ie a cat peeing on my face because I didn’t feed it) until I awoke. Thankfully it got much cooler toward morning to the point where I thought the A/C had kicked back on. Took the dogs to the park because I knew we didn’t have air (where dumb people with little children were hanging around. One dad in particular let his toddler chase after my large, strange dogs from the bridge all the way through the parking lot where I’d parked far out until I got to my car. I guess he only got the kid because he was afraid I’d kidnap him. This is why I don’t go to the park late or do anything late on weekends) and then back home to call the A/C guy. He came rolling in around afternoon time and proceeded to not only diagnose and fix the problem, but service the unit and take it upon himself to inspect our utility room, pointing out wrong and illegal things. He went above and beyond what I expected him to do. He explained things very well too which was the best part. Hallelujah for chemically treated air.

Took my mom the next day on a ride to a large Walmart where they sell fabric! Very excited to find another place with more fabric to choose from. In the end I did no sewing that day (did a little the day before, trying to keep the temperature down in the house) because I didn’t know how to do what my mom recommended and I am terrified of messing up the finished product. So I played Tales of Berseria the rest of the weekend. Man, let me tell you, there’s a reason why I don’t watch anime…I get caught up in stories and my obsessive tendencies take over.



But I’m waiting for my whitestrips to finish.

Every night when I’m lying here, and really, every day, I hear fire trucks on their way to calls. It always reminds me of the time about a year ago that just hearing the siren of a fire engine, not a police siren nor an ambulance siren, elicited from me a deep sorrow and grief, moving me almost instantly to tears. At the time, I didn’t understand why it happened all of the sudden, just that it did and it started in the pit of my stomach. I mentioned it to my ex and told him that I hoped that  nothing would ever happen to him to make me feel that way. I didn’t say it then, but the thought crossed my mind that it wasn’t so much that something would happen to him as happen to us. To me. I’d pushed it from my mind, but it was always there nagging at me. Call it a premonition or a glimpse into the future. A foreshadowing of events to come. Then again, I always knew what would happen to us, I just…played my part, hoping that it wouldn’t be. Always the pawn, always the puppet. Interestingly now the sound has no lasting effect on me. I no longer feel a deep sorrow at the sound. It makes me a little sad and brings back some memories, but aside from that, it affects me pretty much like it always has in the past.

Sometimes my “future sight” scares me. Sometimes it’s just a plain nuisance. I don’t think I can see the future so much as I can make a very good educated guess from the surrounding events and circumstances. I’m usually right too. However, a part of me suspects a possible inexplicable hand in all of this. I won’t divulge because people always think I’m crazy when I do. I tend to know what will happen, but I go with it anyways…hoping…always hoping…that maybe, just maybe it won’t turn out like that. What’s the point of knowing what will happen if you can’t do anything to stop it? Little things are insignificant and can be avoided, but the major events are never able to be avoided by me long. Sometimes, my impatience gets the better of me and I make it happen before – at least I think – than it’s supposed to which makes for some serious stress on all sides, but it doesn’t matter because it changes nothing about the outcome. Then there are times when no matter how I know what will happen, I’m still surprised by it because it’s sudden.

Going back to the firefighter thing, it really bugs me now when people mention what heroes firemen are. While, yes, running into a burning and collapsing building, risking your life for the sake of others while everyone else runs away demands a ridiculous amount of respect, I don’t think it’s much more significant than police work or military work or teachers or even surgeons (though one can argue that their pay is several leagues higher than any public servant). Call me biased, but I think their work pales in comparison to police business. Most likely it’s because I have insight now into their lives. That one probationary fireman jaded all firefighters for me forever. He clued me into how sexist all fire departments are, filled with macho, pig-headed men who make and have chauvinistic comments, views and actions. Also, they have very poor diets for people who always need to be in shape. How poorly female firefighters are treated. He was telling me stories once and he was ranting about how dumb drivers are (and we all know this, so I agree, really). Per as usual, I try to temper out the rant by saying that people freeze when they’re afraid and there are elderly, autistic, etc drivers out there. I’m thinking of my grandparents, my mom with her vision problem, and countless patients that I’m like, omg they DROVE here??? for various reasons. Not to mention the bad traffic around here. The point is, I just wanted to remind him that people are people. He gets upset and says he doesn’t care if they’re disabled, old, autistic or nothing. When the fire engine has it’s siren on you need to get out of the way. While he is right, the way he said it really rubbed me the wrong way and I hope that’s not how other firefighters think. I always had this picture in my head that all first responders were cool, calm, collected and considerate of others, since their goal after all is the rescue and preservation of life. Instead all I could see from his stories and insight, were stressed out men wasting their time with repeat offenders and obnoxious crap. It was disheartening to them and to me. And on top of it all, when did the life of one person become more important than the lives of the rest of the population? You save one, but jeopardize the lives of countless others as you race to the hospital for this one person?

I dunno. I am so jaded about it all now. The firefighter career is, for me, forever ruined. It’s not worth the stress and lack of time, and the politics. Maybe a fireman with a better mindset, more optimism, better ability to think, more humble. They all seem so righteous. I understand that the pressure is high and the subject matter is psychologically tough. Why make it harder on the people than it has to be? The mind games and the bullying…you’re supposed to be a team. Buh. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

I think I left them on too long. My teeth are pounding.

I need to plug in my laptop

But it’s all the way downstairs….

Just finished scrolling through my newsfeed which I’ve been trying not to do as much of in Fbook for several reasons including the skew of social media (or any media really), dumb people’s comments and click bait spurring people into emotions. I mean, given social media and the life we live in now, running your life on pure emotion is encouraged, practiced, and honed to perfection. It’s important to care about people and things, but just like everything else in life, there’s a limit to how much to care. Too little and you become selfish and inhumane, too much and you become incredibly easy to be offended and outraged and jump to conclusions. Mix the two together and it doesn’t equal out, in fact, I feel like that’s what the internet is. Nature strives for balance, and humans are not immune, so in our own sometimes twisted logic, we “balance” our negativity with “reason” or “logic.” Now…is that logic sound? You can convince yourself of anything, really. Many times when I *shudder* read internet comments I find that half of the people merely read the headline or title but not the article itself and yet still wish to express their uneducated and uninformed opinions. This is already evident in product reviews. There was a funny “Amazing World of Gumball” episode yesterday parodying just this about the internet. People use their emotions to be outraged about a topic without fully understanding the gist of it, then when they are refuted, or their fallacy is pointed out, they pull on emotions again instead of stopping to think and admit that, yes, I was wrong to not probe more deeply into the matter. Now if that if it had been an in person argument, the internet flaming tirades would never have made it that far, because we are in-person, well, people, and missing that defensive, face-shielding barrier of the internet. I’m not even talking anonymity, just the disconnect and inability to read body and tonal language.

Hah…I should know. My failed relationship was 70% faceless, emotion-based, internet interaction, complete with misinterpretation, and volatile, impersonal arguments and comments that had it been in person would never have been said or felt. Interestingly, there was a development of persuasion and neutrality as it went on to prevent such volatile behavior, but that ultimately backfired too, because neutrality or perceived indifference can be (and was) even more painful than passionate flames.

According to this article I just read, an expert on communication reports that only 7% of communication is verbal. 50-some percent is body language and the rest is tonal. Well, there you go. Just backing up my argument with numbers. And staggering numbers at that. Even I was surprised at how little the verbal portion encompasses and I’m all about reading body cues. No wonder we failed and no wonder the internet flame wars will never end.

Speaking of which, this month is 5 months from my breakup date. It feels like it has been a year at least, but I’ve only hit 5 months. Guh. There was a cute new patient at work the other day about my age. He was half-Japanese, intelligent, calm, and judging by his body language, interested in me. He studied my ring-less finger, was unable to make eye contact with me for too long, and would steal glances at my face/eyes as I was working. I have to admit that my heart was racing a little too and feeling more giddy than usual, but I kept my professionalism because it is unethical for a professional to get into a relationship with a patient. It’s very much frowned upon, actually. And the kicker and somewhat proof I wasn’t making it up? As I lay him back to get started, he asked me if I was from around the area. Hey, man, that’s my line for my patients!! My patients never ask me that first and not that quickly that’s for sure. The funny thing is that I was about to ask him just that and it made me smile behind my mask. Damn professionalism. His calmness, intelligence, ability to admit that he doesn’t know something…that’s the kind of person I’m looking for. Oh well. He does live in MD, so eh. Sigh.

Tree gone

And I missed it. My mom took pictures, though, which helped. She said it was really quite awesome how they did it. Still wish I’d been able to see it. The dogs apparently had no clue what was going on and finally when Liana figured it out, she was standing at the door alert, muscles contracted and wanted to bark. Haha. She’s so cute. The stumps are still there and we haven’t paid them yet (I went out and counted: 12 rings) so it’s not over yet. I am sad at my view and lack of shade now, though I’m glad given the threat of it falling onto the neighbor’s and our house, plus the damage the squirrels have caused using it as a highway to the roofs. How am I supposed to feed the birdies now? I guess I can be like a few houses down and do the ones that connect to the deck, even if we’re technically not supposed to according to the HOA.


My mom had to go to the NIH last week because her eyes are so bad and untreatable with conventional treatments. Heredity is the reason for it, and so they’ll do experimental genome therapy. Better than nothing. Apparently the doctor said that if her other eye starts doing the same thing, he’ll take away her driving privileges. It’s that bad. She said she plans on not driving anymore after so many years and I’m like, what??? I mean, I understand the medical concerns, but then what? Who’s going to drive her around? Every time I say I’m going to buy a house a move out into it, she gets upset and says things like, you can’t leave with Gable still alive. She gets like that every time I say I’m going to stop living with her. What do you want me to do, mom? Be your caretaker forever? If you want me to start a family or do anything normal, I have to leave. I WANT to leave. This is exactly why I kept telling her to find someone. Someone who can love and take care of her. At this rate, how can she take care of my grandparents? I toyed with the idea of just using the money from selling my house to just pool into a larger home, but that’s not the point. I don’t want to be held down forever. I WANT to be able to live on my own and not be accountable to anything. Why is it that I have been unable to procure my own freedom my entire 3 decades on this earth? In the USA?

I keep blaming my housing situation as part of the reason my relationship failed even though I know that really it just wouldn’t ever work out, because I do believe it’s true. I’ve refused to even entertain the thought of looking again until I next year when I’m supposed to be selling my house because I need my own place to do that. I’m still keeping up with real estate in the hopes something affordable will come by. They do. I’m just not free to make that move. It’s part selfish, but how can you hold me to this? I care tremendously for my mom, of course, but when am I supposed to be able to live life as I want it? To have my house as I want it set up. Not with my mom, not with my brother tagging along, not all set up so that my sister can benefit from it. What is my destiny? To be a crutch for everyone?

Rant rant rant.


What the heck is wrong with these people? REALLY!!!?!?? First off, remember I misunderstood their poorly laid out calendar of events about their crack sealing and line painting and ended up parallel parking for the first time in years? Ok, fine, misunderstanding, I didn’t read it well. I’ll take that. So we’re in the sealing week and I’ve looked closely at the calendar to make sure this time we got it right. OK. Our street is being done on Wednesday. Check. They just did the section they said they would today. Check. I went by this morning to snoop and make sure they actually were going to do anything this time. A couple years ago, they did concrete work and kept threatening towing all the cars if not removed by 7am, except that they did literally NOTHING all day long. Anyways, this morning was good, my mom asked if we need to move the cars, and I’m like, no the calendar clearly says our street on Wednesday August 30th. I even circled it with a pink Sharpie. Around 3:30-4:00pm, I find myself feeling extremely restless, like I need to walk the dogs, like, NOW, but why? It’s not even remotely close to 6pm and the earliest I walk them is 5pm. So I go out at 5:30pm, still early for a Monday, and I see to my alarm that they’ve set up a sign in our street. I go to read it and it says, “Paving tomorrow, Tuesday the 29th. Move cars by 7am.” Rage fills my heart and rush back to get m brother to move my car because it’s 5pm and everyone is coming home from work and the first day of school. He rushes out the move it to my immense relief. On the way home, I stop by the area they sealed and painted, and lo and behold, they’ve not removed the barricades yet. So. Allll those cars have nowhere to park now, coming home from work and mixed in with the cars from our street. I go inside after the walk and clear as day it says: Wednesday, August 30th. For our street.

The original street they were going to do are all townhouses with driveways, which means less cars, less surface area, and they don’t have to paint any lines or numbers which equals less time. Thinking about those logistics, that would make more sense to help the clogged spots on the street. They made a plan, so stick with the freaking plan. WTH is wrong with you?? I’m sure they have their reasons, but wth. The cherry on top of everything, is that it’s supposed to rain tomorrow, PLUS, it’s trash/recycle day. So cherries, I guess. So, the rain date is the original date which is Wednesday. What that means, is that we all have to stay parked on the street possibly through Thursday and possibly nothing will be done tomorrow.

Speaking of HOA. We finally got approval for the tree. The one week before our trip that we can’t do anything because of all this road work. And you know they didn’t even acknowledge the application until we sent the paper, physical copy? OK, I understand that legally speaking, yes, paper is the legit way to do it, but you could have at least let us know via email (btw. My HOA down South accepts via email or at least very responsive by email because, well, we live in 2017, and they’re reasonable humans). And then this cow poop where on PAPER they say one thing, but in real life, oh, haha, fyi, change of plans. LOL. We’re doing your street first. Because we HOA and can do what we like. BTW, why won’t anyone in the neighborhood volunteer for the HOA? No one cares about their community?

HOAs are supposed to help communities, not detract from them. Or threaten constantly. TOW YOU. FINE YOU. EVICT YOU. I TOOK A PICTURE OF YOUR OFFENSE. HAH. At least that was my understanding.

Natural People

…As much respect as I have for going organic and nature in general, “natural” or “homeopathic” people drive me crazy. I work in a field where scientific evidence is at the core of what we do. There’s no denying science is the real deal, as much as people try to. One of my co-workers got into yoga and if you know anything about yoga peeps they all go “natural” with their essential oils, incense and crazy crap. For a time she was doing the detox, no carbs, etc etc diets and all sorts of stuff to reduce “toxins” from her body. I’m not refuting the efficacy of certain ones because I, myself, have been using some my whole life. The whole idea of “Chinese medicine.” Menthol for muscle pain, stuffy noses, (Vicks Vaporub!), Lavender puts you to sleep, the power of tea, and so on and so forth. Recently she’s been doing essential oils and is trying to start a brand with a friend for essential oil soaps, or whatever.

I mean, I’m all for supporting her, but time and time again I’ve warned her (nicely) about the potential risks of all this crap. There is not enough scientific evidence to support medicinal/therapeutic uses for these things. Similarly to “natural” supplements, they’re not FDA regulated, and therefore not required to provide risks or contraindications. In fact, you use it all at your own risk. She says, that’s why you do your research, but are those sites legit? And also, the worst part about these “natural” things, they don’t actually have to prove that the concentration of their product is 100% pure….it could be anything thrown in there…you know, people trying to make a quick buck. And then there are allergies. There is someone in this world allergic to basically everything out there. When you think business, my first concern is liability…as should everyone. No matter how much benevolence you aspire to or is the push behind an idea, you must think of liability in this day and age. She asked me my opinion on her brand thing and I straight up told her that I wouldn’t ever use them. Some days she’s like, I have a headache so I dabbed essential oils on my head. And she has a diffuser at work which while she means well, could possibly cause an allergic, respiratory reaction in some people coming through. This is why the medical field prohibits you from wearing perfume around patients. I always give her a look, but there’s only so much bubble busting you can do, you know?

I don’t know how many of these type of people I’ve been running into lately. I mean, whatever, I’m not them, they can do what they think is appropriate, but from a third party perspective, how much of it is worth the time and money? Things that make you “more calm” in my experience usually does the opposite in the long run and beyond that, the effects are most likely temporary or have unintended side effects….like Chapstick. Addiction. Your body becoming dependent upon this external function because why waste energy doing something when there’s something else taking care of it? Better to allocate resources to this minor infection. I swear in the end it’s mostly mindpower. The power of suggestion.