Natural People

…As much respect as I have for going organic and nature in general, “natural” or “homeopathic” people drive me crazy. I work in a field where scientific evidence is at the core of what we do. There’s no denying science is the real deal, as much as people try to. One of my co-workers got into yoga and if you know anything about yoga peeps they all go “natural” with their essential oils, incense and crazy crap. For a time she was doing the detox, no carbs, etc etc diets and all sorts of stuff to reduce “toxins” from her body. I’m not refuting the efficacy of certain ones because I, myself, have been using some my whole life. The whole idea of “Chinese medicine.” Menthol for muscle pain, stuffy noses, (Vicks Vaporub!), Lavender puts you to sleep, the power of tea, and so on and so forth. Recently she’s been doing essential oils and is trying to start a brand with a friend for essential oil soaps, or whatever.

I mean, I’m all for supporting her, but time and time again I’ve warned her (nicely) about the potential risks of all this crap. There is not enough scientific evidence to support medicinal/therapeutic uses for these things. Similarly to “natural” supplements, they’re not FDA regulated, and therefore not required to provide risks or contraindications. In fact, you use it all at your own risk. She says, that’s why you do your research, but are those sites legit? And also, the worst part about these “natural” things, they don’t actually have to prove that the concentration of their product is 100% pure….it could be anything thrown in there…you know, people trying to make a quick buck. And then there are allergies. There is someone in this world allergic to basically everything out there. When you think business, my first concern is liability…as should everyone. No matter how much benevolence you aspire to or is the push behind an idea, you must think of liability in this day and age. She asked me my opinion on her brand thing and I straight up told her that I wouldn’t ever use them. Some days she’s like, I have a headache so I dabbed essential oils on my head. And she has a diffuser at work which while she means well, could possibly cause an allergic, respiratory reaction in some people coming through. This is why the medical field prohibits you from wearing perfume around patients. I always give her a look, but there’s only so much bubble busting you can do, you know?

I don’t know how many of these type of people I’ve been running into lately. I mean, whatever, I’m not them, they can do what they think is appropriate, but from a third party perspective, how much of it is worth the time and money? Things that make you “more calm” in my experience usually does the opposite in the long run and beyond that, the effects are most likely temporary or have unintended side effects….like Chapstick. Addiction. Your body becoming dependent upon this external function because why waste energy doing something when there’s something else taking care of it? Better to allocate resources to this minor infection. I swear in the end it’s mostly mindpower. The power of suggestion.

OK…that tears it.

No video games today…unless it’s on my DS. As my late post last night proved, I spent the ENTIRE DAY playing Assassin’s Creed Revelations and finishing it. Then I watched that movie and spent an hour and a half writing about it from my phone (ugh) because it was stuck in my head. MEANING….I got zero sleep. And all of my dreams were annoying and scary and not restful at all (ghosts and pretty much assassin’s creed stuff). I went to sleep wide awake, and woke up wide awake. Kind of a good thing, though because I heard Gable and rushed him outside so he could pee. I hate having shallow sleep dreams, which is exactly why I don’t nap. My shallow sleep dreams are always disturbing. Always. Like it’s the wrong mental plane for dreaming…half realistic and half fake to the point where I don’t always know which is which.

Last night I was complaining about my overly religious cousin in Alabama who is always asking for prayers about the dumbest things. Last night pushed me over the edge when she wrote, “prayers for the AC in [her husband’s, my direct cousin] car!” OMG. Stop asking for prayers about car seats and inane things like that!!! If there’s a problem, go fix it. No amount of prayers or faith is going to magically help the A/C work better in his car when it’s not life or death. If the car seat is broken, go get a new one. Let me get out there, that they are not poor. They’re not amazingly rich either, but they’re not poor. Prayer doesn’t work like that. You can pray, but go freaking do things instead of sitting around asking for prayers. My mom and I start arguing and she’s right that I’m flying a little off the handle about it because she means no harm by the statement, but to me, that’s the kind of person (unfortunately a pervasive type of religious thought prevalent in the south) who falls the hardest because in times of not great need they are asking for prayers and calling on God (unless you’re Catholic, you don’t believe in saints…it all goes to either the big guy or Jesus), what happens when something catastrophic happens and no help arrives? Kind of like crying wolf. My co-worker is Ethiopian Christian (which is super religious…my Catholicism is like a cakewalk compared to that) and she said something the other day which I thought was pretty awesome: she said (I don’t always understand exactly what she says with her accent) she doesn’t want to ask God for things because he’s already too busy with so many people and things much more important than our very minor issues. That’s the kind of caring thought I ascribe to. That’s the use of saints, btw, you don’t gum up the channel because there are other channels.

Prayer is a directly related to faith. Prayer is the vehicle to faith and hope and solace. Prayer in and of itself doesn’t accomplish anything tangible…which is why it’s usually about people’s well-being, for guidance, that kind of thing…not selfish, materialistic crap. Like a car or the lottery, though it doesn’t stop me from hoping. I don’t pray about it because that’s dumb, but haha. My mom used to work with a woman who truly believed and her church believed that if she asks God for money, he will give her money. She’s thinking cash. If you read the Bible at all, any mention of giving people cash? Hah. My mom eventually argued with her and she stopped believing that, but it just gives you insight to how people view religion. To me, that’s step one to religious extremism.  Things always work out anyways, and that “money, riches” you want will be given to you in some form but in order to receive, you need to what? Give. Do something that will make you eligible to provided for. You can’t just sit there and expect things to come to you on an conveyor belt while you watch TV, right? Faith can accomplish amazing things. No matter what religion you are or have. Even faith in humanity or life or time or existence. Because faith is hope. THAT is what Christianity is, btw. Love, faith and hope. Simple as that.

On the other end of the spectrum I freaking HATE another one of my friends on Facebook. I only know her through dog interests and I decided that aside from that I would greatly dislike her. Anyways, she’s constantly saying how glad she’s not religious and downing religion in every way. Which is fine in and of itself because that’s her prerogative and her right to believe whatever. However, it happens a lot with her and that’s getting annoying too. She could easily say that in a different way without bringing religion into it. These days I’m almost afraid to post anything regarding God or Christianity and God-forbid Catholicism, because it’s so taboo now and you’re immediately placed in the sheeple/weak-minded/anti-science category. So I stay away from it for the most part. So why is it then OK to shame, degrade, and flame?

Obviously I am really in my fighting emotional state. It’s like I have a chip on my shoulder.

Today I planned to do non-electronic things like crafty stuff and cleaning my room because I really am allergic to something really bad in this room. I would love to start something crafty again. Too bad I can’t afford anything. My ultimate goal with sewing is to make an Assassin’s Creed costume. That would be so cool. A Marth costume would be awesome too! Because I can make the armor and everything! This is when I wish I had more space to work with belt sanders and a workspace in a basement or a garage or something where I can spread out. What would I do with all of these costumes, though? Eh just the joy of making it is good for me.

A friend posted something in the Richmond Times Dispatch about how binge TV watching is ruining your life. Since my late teens, I made the conscious decision to not watch continuous TV shows or anime. I can trace it all back to spending an entire summer absolutely obsessed with Sailor Moon Super Stars. From the moment I woke up to when I had to pull myself away for dinner. Then I’d watch well into the night and wake up early and do it again. I was like a zombie. And then when it was over I was depressed, like, clinically depressed, for at least a week thereafter, looking for fanfiction, fan art, anything, to keep it going. When I finally shook it, it all hit me hard, the reality of what had just happened. I have an obsessive tendency. No more anime. No TV shows like that. I mean, when you’re binge watching, what are you accomplishing? Absolutely nothing at all. You really are like a zombie. No brain activity, no movement, a lot of times, you don’t even want to go to the bathroom. The movie tells you exactly everything: how the characters look, sound, act, how the world looks. Books do the same thing, but you are allowed the freedom and brain function of deciding and imagining on your own those details. Have you ever watched a live action and THEN read the book? You can’t get the image and nuances of the actor our of your head. The imagination is gone. Or even the other way around when you watch the movie and you’re like, that’s not how I pictured that at all. This is why I stick with books and video games. Video games mostly fall into a middle category where you’re told what things look like, but you control what is happening in your own time, and give an even more expansive story if you care to do side quests that expound on characters. They’re interactive books, at least the story driven ones. Some of the decision games allow you to shape the game to you liking. With movies and the episodic TV shows, I feel like I’ve wasted hours and days of my life with nothing to show for it. Books expand the mind because you used it. Video games increase hand-eye coordination and you still feel like you accomplished something. Movies leave me feeling like, yeah that was a good story, but I still feel like I could’ve been doing something.

Don’t get me wrong, I like movies, but it depends on what and with whom. Same with TV. I still love watching TV because it’s a good unwind, but I like shows where the episodes can stand on their own. Cops. Animal Cops. NCIS. Criminal Minds. And I love cartoons. Mostly for movies and TV shows I like tasteful things, though. I don’t like my mind turning into mush…unless it’s making me laugh. A good laugh. A silly laugh. Not a malevolent derision kind of funny. Also, I do watch anime, but only video game based ones. Those usually only have about 12-15 episodes. The OAVs. I guess manga fall into the mid-range too of the scale of brain activity.

Ugh. This is probably why no one likes me. Too complicated. Too critical. Too strange.

 

 

There. I’ve Done It.

I am now 100% rid of M.

I texted him last night about returning his belongings because why in the hell was he not responding to me. He responded with I don’t know what belongings you’re talking about, and that for my information they had a failed cpr last night. I texted him this morning about his clothes and his beret and stuff and he started getting annoyed telling me to just trash everything and he didn’t want to deal with anything this week because someone just died on him last night. That’s when I started getting annoyed because holy crap then WHEN am I supposed to do this? He’s been giving me excuses excuses and more excuses. And not to be disrespectful, cold and mean, but unfortunately, that’s going to be your reality and you knew it going in. Even now, after all this time he still has yet to figure out how to deal with stresses, shrug them off, not internalize them, find an outlet, not take things personally. I understand that trying to revive someone and having them die on you underneath your hands is extremely awful and once again I have terrible timing, and I was willing to let it go another week, but I could sense the underlying current and I KNEW that if I didn’t pursue this now he would get more and more upset. That’s him and been him since I first knew him. One little stressful event and he’s out for and entire week or more. Can you imagine a big stressful event? Essentially there was, is and will be no “best time” to do this. Plus, I know he’s home and that it won’t sit out in the rain. Likely if I put it off he’d never respond to me again and I really and truly did not wish to involve his mom in this.

Speaking of rain, how appropriate that the sky is crying. He starts getting all upset and responding like an immature teenager. I could sense the immense grief behind his scathing words, but I had a goal. What about me, huh? I have to stare at these items of his every day. Every single day. I have more memories of him here in this house than he does of me at his. He forgot about them. Just like he’s so quick to forget everything. About me. Always has. Said things and would forget he said them. I tell him good, when he tells me to do what I want and I said I’m coming to drop them off of the doorstep and he FLIPS OUT and says that he’s going to leave and to not get his family involved with this. I’m like, OMFG who do think I am? You think that me, I, am going to come crawling with an insipid and demeaning ploy to SEE HIM???? Am I to come crawling back and trick him into seeing me??? OMFGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.

I was LIVID. So I leave and am driving super angry through the rain, drop off the bag, and text him saying how absolutely appalled I am at how little he knew and knows of me to think I am base enough to crawl back and cause drama. I had said over and over again that it was just a drop off, no seeing, no talking he didn’t want to hear it and kept thinking delusionally that I was trying to force him into seeing me because I knew he was home. I wished him a happy life and promised that he would never hear from me again. I took the long way home and sitting through traffic the tears just kept coming but mostly because now I understand exactly what he thought of me. I don’t know what kind of girls he had in the past but while I was seeing him he’d make these weird assumptions and generalizations about me, things that are “typical” of girls. He NEVER knew me. EVER. Even now he thinks I’d come back like his ex’s and try to mess up his life. No. NO. I am NOT that kind of person. I have integrity, pride and respect. How could he think so lowly of me after all this time?

It’s painful. More painful than anything we’ve been through up to now, to know that he KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT ME. About what kind of person I am. I told him that a couple times when we were together, but it never got through.

You can’t. CAN’T. help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. He’s trapped in his mind, in his past, in his ways and nothing can bring him out. That’s why I gave up. I did. I admit it now. I gave up.

Keep thinking that way, man. Be bitter. Be mad. No other relationship ever in your life will ever be successful unless you give it up.

I get it now. I get why anger is essential after a failed relationship. I tried so DAMN HARD to be cordial, to understand for him, be civil, to try and be adult and mature, but it was a mistake. A bloody mistake. Because he’s still a petulant child who never grew up, and probably never will.

You know what the last thing he texted back to me after I wished him a happy life and said goodbye? He said: “whatever.” Like a kid throwing a hissy fit.

I’m done. I’m through. Immaturity at its finest. I will still strive to prevent myself from entertaining hate, loathing and resentment because they are toxic attitudes and detract from my growth. I will still look upon our past and memories with fondness because they were enjoyable and a happy part of my life.

Maybe now with the last factor out of the way, I can move on.

…I truly hope he can too.

Something so simple as returning articles made so horribly dramatic and difficult. And why? Misconceptions. Assumptions. Selfishness. Not everything is about you, ok? And until you realize that, nothing in life will work for you. That’s my caveat for any girl in his future, my advice. Be aware of his full blown selfishness. He thinks 85% of the time about himself and has no time for you. A taker and very infrequently a giver.

GOD. I WISH AND PRAY TO GOD that I not become like him nor that I let this negativity permeate me and my future.

I keep returning to that question I keep asking, “Can men and women just be friends?” And I say, no, not after a relationship. Unless the two are that cooperative and have the same level of maturity and respect for each other.

Time to drown myself in video games.

Day 3

1:00am: Liana yelped loudly and sought me out. She lay in my room and I fell asleep.

5:30am: Liana yelped again and came back to my room to find me, but left immediately.

7:00am: Both dogs are in my room.

8:15am: Liana tried to get up and yelped again. I figure it was time to get up to walk them, so I did. She went quickly down the stairs and kitty-dogged behind me, waiting for her leash and collar. Same as I was putting on my shoes. Gable made way for her as she wanted her place begin first out the door. She carefully navigated the porch steps and used the grass to come down the hill as usual. A little faster today, so we went our normal route. She seemed grateful for routine and normalcy. We still try to keep her pace which is roughly half our normal speed. She pooped well today, no backside weakness. Didn’t seem all the interested in squirrels today. I watched her gait and it seems the L side in general is off, more on the back L than in the past. Almost fell over peeing when she forgot she’s not totally well. I also noticed that she can’t/won’t pick up her head past a straight hold. She gets tired very quickly, breathing and panting heavily, and moving slowly just about 2-3 minutes into the walk. Ran into the house and up the stairs relatively quickly (almost like she wanted to keep up with Gable).

8:43am: Tried to give her medicine and she was just as impossible to deal with, not wanting it at all. Thought about stopping the Rimadyl as a test, but I figure it’s only been 3 days and honestly I’d hate to hear the screams again just yet. Gave her a treat today for taking her medicine and she readily takes treats.

9:00am: Discussed findings with my mom, including the new development of my noticing the L side possible deterioration of the back. I humored the idea of a stroke? but that would have happened instantly, right? And wouldn’t have manifested in knuckling of her front leg. She is definitely moving faster now and feels better overall, but is reminded and frequently sobered by the sharp pains she feels when she’s not careful. I read the medical reports they uploaded onto the app and it seems the doctor is very hopeful with an overall good prognosis.

9:25am: Went to go put mail in the mailbox by myself and while I was looking for my flip-flops, she ook-ooked loudly from atop the staircase, expressing her concern. I go out and when I come back she was busy at the window highly concerned about my return. While this is relatively normal behavior, they’re usually excited (because I normally take them with me) and not so concerned. She seemed relieved when I came back up and went to lay down again.

9:30am: Started incorporating canned food on a more regular basis to help entice her to eat. She shows much interest, but is still so food picky. She ate the 3 pieces of cut meat on top, but left the rest of the canned food (Wellsey Farms from Tristan’s leftover stock) even though she actually came into the kitchen in search of food when I was making it. I can’t tell if this is normal behavior or something amiss.

10:00am: I’m upstairs taking a breather from the dogs while my mom and brother are in the living room keeping an eye on them, when I hear her ook-ooking below. I wander down and my mom thinks that it’s because Gable took the bed she wanted, but she looks up at me with those little eyes and typically if she wants something, she just takes it or lies somewhere else (there are 4 large beds there). She displays similar behavior at night: restlessness and whining/making other noises and just standing around like she wants something or is confused. It breaks my heart a little. Every time she makes some sort of progress, something else seems to go south, renewing my worries. I can’t feel overwhelmingly hopeful about all of this. I chalked it up to the loud video game so they turned down the sound. Gable has since joined me up here.

I looked at myself in the mirror today and damn I look old. Heck, I feel it. This year has been extremely unlucky and full of heartache and stress for me…it’s only half a year done. First Gable (almost losing him), then all my patients dying on me, then my failed relationship, money troubles, house-situations troubles, my dad being an asshole, unexpected car expenses and now Liana. I have shed more tears than I ever thought I had in me, been tormented by extreme feelings and emotions, and I don’t believe for an instant that it’s over. The thought crossed me: is it just fate, luck or karma? I can’t help but remember that it is the year of the Rooster–the worst year for my sign–and all the negative fortunes I had for New Year’s this year.

I don’t doubt that I’ll make it, because I’m not one to lie down and just give up, but good golly these ruts are really taxing. The road ahead is extremely daunting and full of obstacles, but I know smoother roads will be there. Someday. Right? Buh.

 

Here we go again

How long has it been? 6 days? GOD it feels like it’s been 3 months! I am not doing well. It’s like trying to kick an addiction. Actually that’s probably a really good description of it. I thought maybe taking the long drive, dealing with different people, seeing my house, doing hard physical labor would go a long way to help me out, but now, almost 10pm and having gone and done all of that, I’m still frustrated and even MORE frustrated now.

I had plenty of distractions too! A stranger at Lowe’s talked to me randomly, the girl at the Chickfila window was super nice to me, like really charismatic, my brother in law was for some reason really excited that I came down to visit and was bummed that I was leaving the same day, my car is having issues so I was focusing on feeling out the car and seeing what needed to be done, I got to lay outside with my babies at my own house, I sweated, I planted, I spent money, got to see wildlife, took pictures, cut branches, saw apples on my apple tree (4 years in the making!!!!), chased geese off the road with my dogs…and yet.

I’m depressed, aren’t I?

I want nothing more than to be alone. By myself. Dogs are OK. I don’t want people to talk to me. I want to be in a silent place without TV or commentary or people saying things at me. And as usual, I can’t have it. How many times have I complained about this? There’s always someone somewhere and it drives me crazy. I’m not nearly as bad as M though. He takes the cake. I’m at my own house and I can’t have silence or privacy. The lawn is littered with weeds, nothing has been done. I couldn’t even lay outside with my dogs peacefully because everyone was mowing their lawns with no end, not to mention the bugs everywhere. I went down there to get away, but I’m never away. I’m at work dealing with people all week and trying to be peppy and nice. On a normal week I’m good with everything because I’m happy, like usual. There are those times, though, when I’m out and just want silence and alone time. Like now, when I try to deal with these demons assaulting me. My mom and my brother are constantly reminding me of M. I’m trying to come to a balance about him. Stop bringing it up all the time or obviously hinting at it. I know they don’t mean it, but it makes everything so hard.

I wake up in the morning and there are people around. I sit on the couch and there are people there. I’m lying on my bed now and the TV is going on downstairs.

It’s the same old complaints, you know? I KNOW. God damn it all!

And worst of all for me, is that this is a long weekend for the holiday AND my mom is not working for 4 days straight. Freakoids. What do I do? This townhouse is way too small. I can’t just hide somewhere.

I swear this is a major player in why my relationship failed. I never had enough time with him and even when I got time with him, there was always SOMEONE. My brother. My mom. Mostly my brother. Never any privacy for any length of time. Even on his side, there was only once when he had the house to himself for a few months. We had no where to go to just be ourselves and literally do whatever. Feel comfortable. I’m close to my family but being in a relationship is about breaking away and doing my own thing.

IT’S NOT FREAKING FAIR!!!! WHY IS NOTHING FAIR??? We were doomed from the get go. This is why I refuse to get into another relationship soon. It would be the same. Plus I still have my dogs and for whatever reason my mom and brother pretty much refuse to take care of them for me saying it’s “my responsibility” which is true but dammit help me out here. If I had my own place that’d be OK, but I don’t and I can’t. How can I not be resentful of my sister? Huh? I have everything but nothing at all. I have no freedom. Freedom really is everything, isn’t it?

I can’t help but think of how different it would have been if I’d been on my own up here all along with my own house. He probably would have come over and stayed over more. We  probably would have been much closer which would have eliminated most of the issues I was having. He still would have been suffering from the depression, but I would’ve have caused so much heart and headache if…if I could just at least see him. It wouldn’t have been without problems. Not all of them would have disappeared poof. But. I feel like we probably would still be together. That maybe I’d understand better.

That’s what I want, isn’t it? To take back my brashness and that we could still be together…but I’d still be tormented, and I like not having to wonder if I was the problem or not.

Tsk. There’s not point in blaming. No point in wishing. No point in wondering. No taking things back. There’s only memories now, and hope, and…moving on. I can’t control what happens in my life, what situation I’ve been given. I just have to keep in mind that things fall into place that may not seem for the better now, but will ultimately work out. I have to ask myself what I’ve been asking others: you’ve come to an obstacle on the path of life…what do you do now? You can a) sit down a cry; b) find a way around it or c) give up and turn around. I’ve already done choice ‘a’ and ‘c’ is impossible, which only leaves ‘b.’ But how?

My heart still holds tightly on to the prospect that one day he’ll figure it out and ask me to try again with him. God knows if he asked me now I’d say yes in a heartbeat…even if my brain knows that nothing will change right now, not the way our lives are, and we’d have the same problems. You stupid heart. Why did you have to go and fall in love with him anyways? My brain had been fighting the match since the very beginning. And what’s more, why do you hang on with such a grip? He already said he’s just not interested in romance at all. It’s torture to keep on…but I know…I know…that this is killing him too. He can deny it or try to blame the depression, but I am utterly convinced that our love was ever a lie or a farce or a mask. I know genuine when I feel it, when I hear it.

I don’t just like you. I love you. I love you too much.

Saturday

It’s memorial weekend! Buh. This would of course make me more sad because memorial day is remembering the servicemen and women. Not to mention he had been with me all weekend last year. That’s the curse of having good memory. I remember things. Most things. Things people would otherwise forget easily.

No real plans. Going to be heading down South in a little bit here for the dogs. Not sure when I’ll be back. More rain in the forecast, though, so meh. I guess I’ll get the fertilizer down finally. Only real plans are trying not to be sad.

My mom told me yesterday about her dream. She dreamed about M, said she knew it was him because of the way he was standing. He stopped an arm’s length from her, pointed, and said, “Don’t forget about me.” Then he turned and walked away into the crowd. She said it disturbed her. What I didn’t tell her is that it disturbed me too, but in a different way. You see, for the past few weeks before the breakup, I had the same dream every night, night after night. He would appear in front of me, hug or kiss me briefly, turn and disappear into the crowd. What are the odds?

I’ve gotten  progressively better, but progressively worse at the same time. I can talk about him to people now and it doesn’t faze me too much anymore, but at the same time, the more my brain has been working to convince my heart to give it up, the more I lose control. I mentioned that it’s the car and right before I fall sleep that gets me crying. Well, yesterday in the light traffic I sat in, I was really losing it. Big time. Morning and afternoon. Why does every song I own having to deal with breakups or healing have to come on when I’m in the car? How can I ever get my head and heart on the same track again?

One of my old suitors must have noticed because he’s been really moving in on me, posting things to me, etc so much more than in the past few months when I heard literally nothing from him. Maybe I emit a vibe? Coincidence? PHEROMONES. And the original suitor from California, the first one I was ever interested in with whom I have conversations with every so often, and I had a lengthy discussion on one of his rare off days from UPS. Talking about relationships and such. We connected so well we both ended up wishing what we did in the beginning: that we weren’t at opposite ends of the nation. He really is,  the type of guy I’ve always been looking for: church man, sweet, thoughtful, trusting to a fault, video game fan, overall fun guy, willing to do things, open. I know, of course, that in person is always so much different than online, but he’s got it all so far. I know my own faults and failures, and I’ll gladly tell anyone them, but it’s being able to deal with them that matters. Like each other enough that you can overcome that. Most of the time. It’s true that having low self-esteem is really one of my biggest pet peeves to deal with in a person, given that mine is so high to the point of overconfidence, but I’d at that point strive to make them confident. I’m always manipulating people anyways, what’s the difference? Give me something to do, huh?

In talking to him, though, it’s amazing, looking back on all of it, everything since I first started online dating, how much of a detriment it is to be a strong woman. Headstrong. Dominant. Independent. I feel like males still hold on to the ideal/idea that men are supposed to fill that role. I mentioned to him that I went on a first date once at an arcade where I beat the guy in pretty much everything we did and he really didn’t like that. I never flaunt my wins…honestly I don’t care whether I win or lose. I just care about having fun…but it doesn’t stop me from trying my best to win. I’ll never forget that.

People don’t like a know-it-all, but males REALLY don’t like it. I know I have the tendency to seem like I’m talking down to people and not listen to what they have to say because I have my own opinions. I noticed that at work, that tendency of mine has actually had an impact on those around me: they’re pretty opinionated now too. Much more than they were in the past. Gotta keep up, I guess, lol. I value everyone’s ideas and opinions. I don’t ever mean to demean yours even if I’m touting mine. It’s just something you have to get used to of my tendencies. More than likely it’s because I’ve accomplished life goals faster than most people, but at this point people my age have caught up or surpassed me. I’m not afraid to let you know if I don’t understand or know something. I like being taught as much as I love teaching and sharing my own knowledge. There’s virtually never just one way to go about things. I get it, I know, I understand that and I value it. People get offended around me, but please don’t. I’m just sharing my own experiences.

I just…wish I knew it more. M always tried to make me understand things, but talk about being blind in the relationship…I had my ideal there and what I wanted and didn’t stop to consider his…in stark contrast to what I just mentioned above. I can do it for other people and my friends, but I couldn’t do it for him. There are many little things I should have just stopped and given in to, or considered and agreed with him. But, I did always feel resentment in always being the one to start everything or recommend this and that. Was it one-sided because I made it that way? Did I alienate him? So this was my doing after all? Making assumptions for him without asking him first. So many things wrong. I mean there were times I wish he would just make the decision already, stop blaming me, and let’s do something original! Different! You pay for this this time. Be thoughtful of me like I’m always thinking of you! Dominating to the point where he just gave up. So many expectations he was doomed to fail from the beginning.

Then again was I wrong in wanting to be taken care of too? I can take care of, because I take care of lots of people in my life. All of my family depends on me. Did I make them that way? I make myself to be so important and significant in people’s lives that they look to me and I turn around and complain about having to take care of everyone why can’t they take care of me?

Oh man. I don’t know. I’m confusing myself now.

Well no matter what, I know that I definitively can NOT handle a long distance relationship. We can still be close, but far away if I can’t see them several times a week. Given my reliance upon reading bodies and auras and people I am 100% blind if I don’t see someone. I’m so crippled it freaks me out and then all sorts of crazy stuff like assumptions, suspicions, anxieties arise in me. One day feels like a week, and so on and so forth! I mean, you can tell from these posts alone how crazy my brain gets and fast too! Another curse of a fast-operating brain. Stupid Dark Blood obsessiveness.

I hope this all gets better soon and I can just balance. Obviously.. OBVIOUSLY I am NOT ready to jump into another relationship at all. I need to exercise more control over my very worst character flaw: impatience. The vast majority of my problems in life can be traced down to this one trait. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry to everyone affected by it. Especially M.

Dad Troubles

Trouble and heartache all come at once don’t they?

My dad is a monster. Evil lurks in his heart. We continually joke about “Dark Blood” which we decided I have the most of. He’s been finding any little thing to roast my mom on AGAIN. Then he sends a veiled but threatening nonetheless letter in order to get a rise out of her, and of course it works. My brother too, who tries as hard as possible to distance himself from all of this. Sent me a picture of the letter yesterday while I was at work which riled ME up because it made me MAD, but that gave me time to think the situation through a bit. When dealing with my dad, you need to be as robotic as possible. You cover every single base you have and more, just in case. Make an airtight environment for yourself. He likes to think that he’s really clever but he has little control over his emotions, so it always comes through incriminatingly. So in order to retaliate, you need to remain as completely emotionless as possible, while making sure your case is solid with backups.

Unfortunately my mom is nowhere like that. He is and always has been paranoid that she’s lying about money and always hiding things from him and actually has another man who gives her money, but that’s only because he’s the conniving one so would naturally assume everyone is as base as he is. If you know my mom, you would know that she is the most painfully honest people you’ll ever meet. Pure and free from those kind of thoughts. In fact she is rather incapable of deceit. Couldn’t lie properly to save her life. My brother is like her quite a bit, but he has the benefit of me teaching him the  way of the Dark Blood. Plus he has some in him. Anyways she writes this reply to send back to him and asked me to look it over. Tells me that she “doesn’t want to provoke him” and I read it and am like, GUH. It is extremely provoking. I have to re-write the whole thing. You one up him. You don’t fall into the same category. You save your trump cards until you need them and that’s if he does intend to go to court. Your letter is written in order to stand up in court as in-incriminating as possible. As neutral as possible.

I got word from one of my cousins from that side that she’d heard he was trying to make life as difficult as possible for my mom. Obviously that meant he had been boasting about his schemes and how proud of them he was/is. That was one word, but I informed my sister and she confirmed she’d heard the same from a different cousin who was present at the time. His own sister reprimanded him severely for it calling him shameful and now they don’t talk. This is someone who claimed to have “loved” my mom for 25 years? And he doesnt even know anything about her let alone any of us. In fact he disowned all of us. 

It’s been 7 freaking years ok? Shows you what kind of mental problems HE has. I understand it in part because since we do share so much genetic material I suffer from it too. However, I’m not 100%. If that’s the case I should feel bad for him right? Nope. He has the power to end it. Instead he decides to contine with it. He’s had much longer in life to overcome said issues than I have had, but I’m winning in control. Everyone thinks the same about him. 

I may not understand depression but I do understand obsession. Well. Unfortunately. Though I’ve heard obsession predisposes depression. I guess I could see that, but our obsession is an anger obsession so instead of spiraling down it more often comes out as an action. Therefore this affliction needs a vent, a channel, or it will explode.

We’ll never be rid of him. Even if we stop alimony altogether and give him a million dollars to choke on and die on since he loves money so much, the worse fear is without the alimony as a vent he’ll come blow us all away. That is not an exaggeration, by the way. It’s a real fear. He’s crazy. Right before we left my mom was sure he was trying to kill her or was close to doing something drastic. Having been there myself, I fully believe it. I could write a novel on what he did to us back then, but 95% of people who hear just a glimpse of it think I am exaggerating. I am not. Can’t make that stuff up, you know? Even my mom’s lawyer didn’t believe her until the very first meeting with the man. Then he came out, flopped on the chair, looked at my mom and said, “I believe you now.” For a divorce lawyer to be aghast at the kind of man my father is….He went through several lawyers. His first one refused to take his case she was disgusted. Good for her.

One day I think I will write a novel about it. The chronicles of a crazy man.