Day 3

1:00am: Liana yelped loudly and sought me out. She lay in my room and I fell asleep.

5:30am: Liana yelped again and came back to my room to find me, but left immediately.

7:00am: Both dogs are in my room.

8:15am: Liana tried to get up and yelped again. I figure it was time to get up to walk them, so I did. She went quickly down the stairs and kitty-dogged behind me, waiting for her leash and collar. Same as I was putting on my shoes. Gable made way for her as she wanted her place begin first out the door. She carefully navigated the porch steps and used the grass to come down the hill as usual. A little faster today, so we went our normal route. She seemed grateful for routine and normalcy. We still try to keep her pace which is roughly half our normal speed. She pooped well today, no backside weakness. Didn’t seem all the interested in squirrels today. I watched her gait and it seems the L side in general is off, more on the back L than in the past. Almost fell over peeing when she forgot she’s not totally well. I also noticed that she can’t/won’t pick up her head past a straight hold. She gets tired very quickly, breathing and panting heavily, and moving slowly just about 2-3 minutes into the walk. Ran into the house and up the stairs relatively quickly (almost like she wanted to keep up with Gable).

8:43am: Tried to give her medicine and she was just as impossible to deal with, not wanting it at all. Thought about stopping the Rimadyl as a test, but I figure it’s only been 3 days and honestly I’d hate to hear the screams again just yet. Gave her a treat today for taking her medicine and she readily takes treats.

9:00am: Discussed findings with my mom, including the new development of my noticing the L side possible deterioration of the back. I humored the idea of a stroke? but that would have happened instantly, right? And wouldn’t have manifested in knuckling of her front leg. She is definitely moving faster now and feels better overall, but is reminded and frequently sobered by the sharp pains she feels when she’s not careful. I read the medical reports they uploaded onto the app and it seems the doctor is very hopeful with an overall good prognosis.

9:25am: Went to go put mail in the mailbox by myself and while I was looking for my flip-flops, she ook-ooked loudly from atop the staircase, expressing her concern. I go out and when I come back she was busy at the window highly concerned about my return. While this is relatively normal behavior, they’re usually excited (because I normally take them with me) and not so concerned. She seemed relieved when I came back up and went to lay down again.

9:30am: Started incorporating canned food on a more regular basis to help entice her to eat. She shows much interest, but is still so food picky. She ate the 3 pieces of cut meat on top, but left the rest of the canned food (Wellsey Farms from Tristan’s leftover stock) even though she actually came into the kitchen in search of food when I was making it. I can’t tell if this is normal behavior or something amiss.

10:00am: I’m upstairs taking a breather from the dogs while my mom and brother are in the living room keeping an eye on them, when I hear her ook-ooking below. I wander down and my mom thinks that it’s because Gable took the bed she wanted, but she looks up at me with those little eyes and typically if she wants something, she just takes it or lies somewhere else (there are 4 large beds there). She displays similar behavior at night: restlessness and whining/making other noises and just standing around like she wants something or is confused. It breaks my heart a little. Every time she makes some sort of progress, something else seems to go south, renewing my worries. I can’t feel overwhelmingly hopeful about all of this. I chalked it up to the loud video game so they turned down the sound. Gable has since joined me up here.

I looked at myself in the mirror today and damn I look old. Heck, I feel it. This year has been extremely unlucky and full of heartache and stress for me…it’s only half a year done. First Gable (almost losing him), then all my patients dying on me, then my failed relationship, money troubles, house-situations troubles, my dad being an asshole, unexpected car expenses and now Liana. I have shed more tears than I ever thought I had in me, been tormented by extreme feelings and emotions, and I don’t believe for an instant that it’s over. The thought crossed me: is it just fate, luck or karma? I can’t help but remember that it is the year of the Rooster–the worst year for my sign–and all the negative fortunes I had for New Year’s this year.

I don’t doubt that I’ll make it, because I’m not one to lie down and just give up, but good golly these ruts are really taxing. The road ahead is extremely daunting and full of obstacles, but I know smoother roads will be there. Someday. Right? Buh.

 

Here we go again

How long has it been? 6 days? GOD it feels like it’s been 3 months! I am not doing well. It’s like trying to kick an addiction. Actually that’s probably a really good description of it. I thought maybe taking the long drive, dealing with different people, seeing my house, doing hard physical labor would go a long way to help me out, but now, almost 10pm and having gone and done all of that, I’m still frustrated and even MORE frustrated now.

I had plenty of distractions too! A stranger at Lowe’s talked to me randomly, the girl at the Chickfila window was super nice to me, like really charismatic, my brother in law was for some reason really excited that I came down to visit and was bummed that I was leaving the same day, my car is having issues so I was focusing on feeling out the car and seeing what needed to be done, I got to lay outside with my babies at my own house, I sweated, I planted, I spent money, got to see wildlife, took pictures, cut branches, saw apples on my apple tree (4 years in the making!!!!), chased geese off the road with my dogs…and yet.

I’m depressed, aren’t I?

I want nothing more than to be alone. By myself. Dogs are OK. I don’t want people to talk to me. I want to be in a silent place without TV or commentary or people saying things at me. And as usual, I can’t have it. How many times have I complained about this? There’s always someone somewhere and it drives me crazy. I’m not nearly as bad as M though. He takes the cake. I’m at my own house and I can’t have silence or privacy. The lawn is littered with weeds, nothing has been done. I couldn’t even lay outside with my dogs peacefully because everyone was mowing their lawns with no end, not to mention the bugs everywhere. I went down there to get away, but I’m never away. I’m at work dealing with people all week and trying to be peppy and nice. On a normal week I’m good with everything because I’m happy, like usual. There are those times, though, when I’m out and just want silence and alone time. Like now, when I try to deal with these demons assaulting me. My mom and my brother are constantly reminding me of M. I’m trying to come to a balance about him. Stop bringing it up all the time or obviously hinting at it. I know they don’t mean it, but it makes everything so hard.

I wake up in the morning and there are people around. I sit on the couch and there are people there. I’m lying on my bed now and the TV is going on downstairs.

It’s the same old complaints, you know? I KNOW. God damn it all!

And worst of all for me, is that this is a long weekend for the holiday AND my mom is not working for 4 days straight. Freakoids. What do I do? This townhouse is way too small. I can’t just hide somewhere.

I swear this is a major player in why my relationship failed. I never had enough time with him and even when I got time with him, there was always SOMEONE. My brother. My mom. Mostly my brother. Never any privacy for any length of time. Even on his side, there was only once when he had the house to himself for a few months. We had no where to go to just be ourselves and literally do whatever. Feel comfortable. I’m close to my family but being in a relationship is about breaking away and doing my own thing.

IT’S NOT FREAKING FAIR!!!! WHY IS NOTHING FAIR??? We were doomed from the get go. This is why I refuse to get into another relationship soon. It would be the same. Plus I still have my dogs and for whatever reason my mom and brother pretty much refuse to take care of them for me saying it’s “my responsibility” which is true but dammit help me out here. If I had my own place that’d be OK, but I don’t and I can’t. How can I not be resentful of my sister? Huh? I have everything but nothing at all. I have no freedom. Freedom really is everything, isn’t it?

I can’t help but think of how different it would have been if I’d been on my own up here all along with my own house. He probably would have come over and stayed over more. We  probably would have been much closer which would have eliminated most of the issues I was having. He still would have been suffering from the depression, but I would’ve have caused so much heart and headache if…if I could just at least see him. It wouldn’t have been without problems. Not all of them would have disappeared poof. But. I feel like we probably would still be together. That maybe I’d understand better.

That’s what I want, isn’t it? To take back my brashness and that we could still be together…but I’d still be tormented, and I like not having to wonder if I was the problem or not.

Tsk. There’s not point in blaming. No point in wishing. No point in wondering. No taking things back. There’s only memories now, and hope, and…moving on. I can’t control what happens in my life, what situation I’ve been given. I just have to keep in mind that things fall into place that may not seem for the better now, but will ultimately work out. I have to ask myself what I’ve been asking others: you’ve come to an obstacle on the path of life…what do you do now? You can a) sit down a cry; b) find a way around it or c) give up and turn around. I’ve already done choice ‘a’ and ‘c’ is impossible, which only leaves ‘b.’ But how?

My heart still holds tightly on to the prospect that one day he’ll figure it out and ask me to try again with him. God knows if he asked me now I’d say yes in a heartbeat…even if my brain knows that nothing will change right now, not the way our lives are, and we’d have the same problems. You stupid heart. Why did you have to go and fall in love with him anyways? My brain had been fighting the match since the very beginning. And what’s more, why do you hang on with such a grip? He already said he’s just not interested in romance at all. It’s torture to keep on…but I know…I know…that this is killing him too. He can deny it or try to blame the depression, but I am utterly convinced that our love was ever a lie or a farce or a mask. I know genuine when I feel it, when I hear it.

I don’t just like you. I love you. I love you too much.

Saturday

It’s memorial weekend! Buh. This would of course make me more sad because memorial day is remembering the servicemen and women. Not to mention he had been with me all weekend last year. That’s the curse of having good memory. I remember things. Most things. Things people would otherwise forget easily.

No real plans. Going to be heading down South in a little bit here for the dogs. Not sure when I’ll be back. More rain in the forecast, though, so meh. I guess I’ll get the fertilizer down finally. Only real plans are trying not to be sad.

My mom told me yesterday about her dream. She dreamed about M, said she knew it was him because of the way he was standing. He stopped an arm’s length from her, pointed, and said, “Don’t forget about me.” Then he turned and walked away into the crowd. She said it disturbed her. What I didn’t tell her is that it disturbed me too, but in a different way. You see, for the past few weeks before the breakup, I had the same dream every night, night after night. He would appear in front of me, hug or kiss me briefly, turn and disappear into the crowd. What are the odds?

I’ve gotten  progressively better, but progressively worse at the same time. I can talk about him to people now and it doesn’t faze me too much anymore, but at the same time, the more my brain has been working to convince my heart to give it up, the more I lose control. I mentioned that it’s the car and right before I fall sleep that gets me crying. Well, yesterday in the light traffic I sat in, I was really losing it. Big time. Morning and afternoon. Why does every song I own having to deal with breakups or healing have to come on when I’m in the car? How can I ever get my head and heart on the same track again?

One of my old suitors must have noticed because he’s been really moving in on me, posting things to me, etc so much more than in the past few months when I heard literally nothing from him. Maybe I emit a vibe? Coincidence? PHEROMONES. And the original suitor from California, the first one I was ever interested in with whom I have conversations with every so often, and I had a lengthy discussion on one of his rare off days from UPS. Talking about relationships and such. We connected so well we both ended up wishing what we did in the beginning: that we weren’t at opposite ends of the nation. He really is,  the type of guy I’ve always been looking for: church man, sweet, thoughtful, trusting to a fault, video game fan, overall fun guy, willing to do things, open. I know, of course, that in person is always so much different than online, but he’s got it all so far. I know my own faults and failures, and I’ll gladly tell anyone them, but it’s being able to deal with them that matters. Like each other enough that you can overcome that. Most of the time. It’s true that having low self-esteem is really one of my biggest pet peeves to deal with in a person, given that mine is so high to the point of overconfidence, but I’d at that point strive to make them confident. I’m always manipulating people anyways, what’s the difference? Give me something to do, huh?

In talking to him, though, it’s amazing, looking back on all of it, everything since I first started online dating, how much of a detriment it is to be a strong woman. Headstrong. Dominant. Independent. I feel like males still hold on to the ideal/idea that men are supposed to fill that role. I mentioned to him that I went on a first date once at an arcade where I beat the guy in pretty much everything we did and he really didn’t like that. I never flaunt my wins…honestly I don’t care whether I win or lose. I just care about having fun…but it doesn’t stop me from trying my best to win. I’ll never forget that.

People don’t like a know-it-all, but males REALLY don’t like it. I know I have the tendency to seem like I’m talking down to people and not listen to what they have to say because I have my own opinions. I noticed that at work, that tendency of mine has actually had an impact on those around me: they’re pretty opinionated now too. Much more than they were in the past. Gotta keep up, I guess, lol. I value everyone’s ideas and opinions. I don’t ever mean to demean yours even if I’m touting mine. It’s just something you have to get used to of my tendencies. More than likely it’s because I’ve accomplished life goals faster than most people, but at this point people my age have caught up or surpassed me. I’m not afraid to let you know if I don’t understand or know something. I like being taught as much as I love teaching and sharing my own knowledge. There’s virtually never just one way to go about things. I get it, I know, I understand that and I value it. People get offended around me, but please don’t. I’m just sharing my own experiences.

I just…wish I knew it more. M always tried to make me understand things, but talk about being blind in the relationship…I had my ideal there and what I wanted and didn’t stop to consider his…in stark contrast to what I just mentioned above. I can do it for other people and my friends, but I couldn’t do it for him. There are many little things I should have just stopped and given in to, or considered and agreed with him. But, I did always feel resentment in always being the one to start everything or recommend this and that. Was it one-sided because I made it that way? Did I alienate him? So this was my doing after all? Making assumptions for him without asking him first. So many things wrong. I mean there were times I wish he would just make the decision already, stop blaming me, and let’s do something original! Different! You pay for this this time. Be thoughtful of me like I’m always thinking of you! Dominating to the point where he just gave up. So many expectations he was doomed to fail from the beginning.

Then again was I wrong in wanting to be taken care of too? I can take care of, because I take care of lots of people in my life. All of my family depends on me. Did I make them that way? I make myself to be so important and significant in people’s lives that they look to me and I turn around and complain about having to take care of everyone why can’t they take care of me?

Oh man. I don’t know. I’m confusing myself now.

Well no matter what, I know that I definitively can NOT handle a long distance relationship. We can still be close, but far away if I can’t see them several times a week. Given my reliance upon reading bodies and auras and people I am 100% blind if I don’t see someone. I’m so crippled it freaks me out and then all sorts of crazy stuff like assumptions, suspicions, anxieties arise in me. One day feels like a week, and so on and so forth! I mean, you can tell from these posts alone how crazy my brain gets and fast too! Another curse of a fast-operating brain. Stupid Dark Blood obsessiveness.

I hope this all gets better soon and I can just balance. Obviously.. OBVIOUSLY I am NOT ready to jump into another relationship at all. I need to exercise more control over my very worst character flaw: impatience. The vast majority of my problems in life can be traced down to this one trait. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry to everyone affected by it. Especially M.

Dad Troubles

Trouble and heartache all come at once don’t they?

My dad is a monster. Evil lurks in his heart. We continually joke about “Dark Blood” which we decided I have the most of. He’s been finding any little thing to roast my mom on AGAIN. Then he sends a veiled but threatening nonetheless letter in order to get a rise out of her, and of course it works. My brother too, who tries as hard as possible to distance himself from all of this. Sent me a picture of the letter yesterday while I was at work which riled ME up because it made me MAD, but that gave me time to think the situation through a bit. When dealing with my dad, you need to be as robotic as possible. You cover every single base you have and more, just in case. Make an airtight environment for yourself. He likes to think that he’s really clever but he has little control over his emotions, so it always comes through incriminatingly. So in order to retaliate, you need to remain as completely emotionless as possible, while making sure your case is solid with backups.

Unfortunately my mom is nowhere like that. He is and always has been paranoid that she’s lying about money and always hiding things from him and actually has another man who gives her money, but that’s only because he’s the conniving one so would naturally assume everyone is as base as he is. If you know my mom, you would know that she is the most painfully honest people you’ll ever meet. Pure and free from those kind of thoughts. In fact she is rather incapable of deceit. Couldn’t lie properly to save her life. My brother is like her quite a bit, but he has the benefit of me teaching him the  way of the Dark Blood. Plus he has some in him. Anyways she writes this reply to send back to him and asked me to look it over. Tells me that she “doesn’t want to provoke him” and I read it and am like, GUH. It is extremely provoking. I have to re-write the whole thing. You one up him. You don’t fall into the same category. You save your trump cards until you need them and that’s if he does intend to go to court. Your letter is written in order to stand up in court as in-incriminating as possible. As neutral as possible.

I got word from one of my cousins from that side that she’d heard he was trying to make life as difficult as possible for my mom. Obviously that meant he had been boasting about his schemes and how proud of them he was/is. That was one word, but I informed my sister and she confirmed she’d heard the same from a different cousin who was present at the time. His own sister reprimanded him severely for it calling him shameful and now they don’t talk. This is someone who claimed to have “loved” my mom for 25 years? And he doesnt even know anything about her let alone any of us. In fact he disowned all of us. 

It’s been 7 freaking years ok? Shows you what kind of mental problems HE has. I understand it in part because since we do share so much genetic material I suffer from it too. However, I’m not 100%. If that’s the case I should feel bad for him right? Nope. He has the power to end it. Instead he decides to contine with it. He’s had much longer in life to overcome said issues than I have had, but I’m winning in control. Everyone thinks the same about him. 

I may not understand depression but I do understand obsession. Well. Unfortunately. Though I’ve heard obsession predisposes depression. I guess I could see that, but our obsession is an anger obsession so instead of spiraling down it more often comes out as an action. Therefore this affliction needs a vent, a channel, or it will explode.

We’ll never be rid of him. Even if we stop alimony altogether and give him a million dollars to choke on and die on since he loves money so much, the worse fear is without the alimony as a vent he’ll come blow us all away. That is not an exaggeration, by the way. It’s a real fear. He’s crazy. Right before we left my mom was sure he was trying to kill her or was close to doing something drastic. Having been there myself, I fully believe it. I could write a novel on what he did to us back then, but 95% of people who hear just a glimpse of it think I am exaggerating. I am not. Can’t make that stuff up, you know? Even my mom’s lawyer didn’t believe her until the very first meeting with the man. Then he came out, flopped on the chair, looked at my mom and said, “I believe you now.” For a divorce lawyer to be aghast at the kind of man my father is….He went through several lawyers. His first one refused to take his case she was disgusted. Good for her.

One day I think I will write a novel about it. The chronicles of a crazy man.

Weekend, Patience

Nothing happened this weekend. THIS IS A LIE. For once. I replaced my toilet! Entry written on DIY Cat if interested. The old toilet had been leaking for months on end and it wasn’t until last week that it started becoming imperative that I do something about it. It was strange because the leaking correlated to the outside temperature…now that I found out the problem (extremely corroded tank bolts that crumbled in my hands and the instant I shifted the tank) I have to sit there and think about why it seemed to be temperature dependent. Obviously it had been leaking/corroding for YEARS and even before we moved in because the previous owners tried to patch around it. Didn’t work, obviously. Anyways, I have a new toilet, no leak and another house project tucked underneath my belt. Am I proud? YES. But still reserved as with all my other projects. Only time will tell if it will hold. Of course that means that I can never look at toilets the same way again when I use other ones.

Other than that excitement (if you intend to replace your toilet, make another person help you) I played lots of Zelda: BoTW. Picked it up again after several hours of playing other games. Returned a few items then bought a few more. Tried to draw a bit for RW, but got sidetracked and then couldn’t get into the groove again. Art really has that effect, you know? You’re not into it, it’s not into you. Speaking of art, I really do need to figure out this sewing thing. I MUST MUST MUST finish my dog costumes before they’re not around for me to do it anymore. Alas, that means money. MONIES.

Which reminds me that instead of typing this post I should be paying bills.

My rant for the day:

I was driving with my mom around on Saturday, and lo and behold I run into the motherlode of awful, terrible drivers. Almost an accident because this lady was too terrified to make a yield left turn and slammed on her brakes at the last moment. That was the big one, but there were others. Then it really gets me going because my mom’s always like, “you’re too hasty” and I know that I’m impatient, but you know what, in the last 5-6 years I’ve been working very very very hard on being patient, giving people the benefit of the doubt, trying to be courteous. Working off the karma premise, you know? I’ve made great strides, but it NEVER fails for me to see and get stuck behind these people that test the hell out of me. My brother and mom keep remarking about why is it that I get all the crazy stories. Even at work!! The brake checks, the near misses. All the time!!!!

I realize that it’s just life telling me I need to practice more patience in my life, but holy HELL how much more patience do I need to practice? I’ve been patient  because it’s been forced on me in more than one aspect of my life. In fact, it’s in every aspect of my life. WHY IS THAT??? I’ve complained consistently about it here, about my life situation and waiting. Then there’s the car. Always in traffic, always stuck behind someone slow or irritating with no way around it. Then there’s work. I realize it’s sort of the nature of the job, but I do very much mind waiting when other people and other things are waiting for me. Ridiculous waiting. Not just the normal waiting. Huh, maybe that’s why I abhor it so much. On top of it all Idiot at work is the ULTIMATE test of endurance.

Forced to rein in, forced to stop, forced to slow down, forced to wait at every turn. How do you catch a cloud and pin it down? By jamming it into a box and sitting on the lid until it turns into a liquid and tries to disintegrate its way out. Though that’s not working this time, and solid isn’t working either. Neither is expanding in the hope of exploding the box. Tried that a couple times. It just rocks the boat and causes irreparable damage. All that’s left is to sit there and wait until my captor decides it’s time.

 

 

It’s that time of year again

…where my fingers start peeling. I’m like a snake. It’s been peeling like crazy around my finger wound, which may have been jump started by this phenomenon. For the moment it looks like I’ll have a permanent line where the scissors went through my skin.

My poem craze hasn’t abated at all! It gives me something to do and a place to channel all my emotions.

Life continues to march along. Nothing happens, nothing to look forward to. Just floating here trying to keep my head above the rising water. It’s very depressing when I start to think about it, so I try not to, but I can’t help it. Why can’t anything my life be easy or “typical?” I’ll take even being in the outskirts of normal. Always so complicated and not what I’d like. I don’t even have many demands of life!!! Indeed all I ever asked for, all I strived for, has been a middle of the road existence. Medium height, medium income, practical/utilitarian car, mediocre house. And yes, while those have been achieved, why is the rest of it complicated? …Maybe because I didn’t specifically request other aspects of my life…wut. That’s not fair. As a kid that stuff can’t really be comprehended!!!!

Ah.  Another pity wallowing?? Must be that time of the month again.

WHY

Rant to follow:

WHY is it that everyone misconstrues my intentions? I strive to remain as neutral in as many things as possible when dealing with situations and decisions in order to achieve the best possible outcome unhindered by emotion. That entails that I consider and bring up possibilities that may be difficult to hear or acknowledge, but it’s all part of the process as negative factors are inevitable in anything.

Don’t take it personally, don’t think I’m criticizing you. Just because I think one method doesn’t mean that you have to. There is no one way to go about things in life. In fact, I expect you to be able to think on your own (the hallmark of being human). I’m just providing the good the bad the ugly so that you don’t make a one-sided decision and regret it. Providing all the facts and you can go from there. Unless you are a child under the age of 12 (and in some cases up to 15) or a dog, you are old enough to make your own decisions and deal with the consequences. My goal is just to help you make an informed decision with the least amount of repercussions possible. And if it comes down to consequences, then at least you’re prepared to deal with it. The reduction of pain and stress.

It’s because I care. If I didn’t I wouldn’t even bother and let life do what it will to you.

This applies to everyone I care about in my life.

…I’ve been accused of sounding too professional, too cold, uncaring. For some reason, most people are too easily offended and think that I’m directly jabbing at them, but I truly am just adopting a neutral attitude. To be neutral means to take no sides, and even in situations where emotions are charged it’s best to be matter-of-fact, am I right? When I was dealing with Gable’s emergency, that’s what I wanted from the Doctor. It was nice that she managed to inject care into it all, but I wanted to hear the real, unsweetened version. Sometimes being neutral, even if I intend to be the voice of reason, causes more reaction than being of the opposite viewpoint. My mom found herself in that situation when my dad’s dad was dying. The family refused to hear what the hospital was saying and when my mom told them matter-of-factly what was happening, they all lashed out at her.

Haha…it’s a hard path I walk.