Category: ponderings




I was having the most wonderful dream too, and then I have to wake up. Wonderful as in exciting, fyi. It involved, Trump, work, an infant, running around this indoor city, escaping down one of those hidden rides inside a hideout only to be caught but still escaping in the last 5 minutes, cars like from Disney’s Cars, a ball throwing contest…man I love dreams like that. And to wake up out of it…why can’t I have dreams like that on the weekends? It was my hope when I woke up that it was a holiday or my week off, but alas…

Cloudless skies! I’m telling you, I think my hunch is correct about there being no food for the birds. We’ve had birds of all sizes come to the deck. Just saw 2 big ravens walking hopefully around. Yesterday I was outside looking at our plants (for some reason this is like PERFECT seed growing weather because they literally pop up overnight) with Liana and this little Chickadee landed right on the railing, chirping loudly at me. I figured it wanted food, so I started distributing from my dwindling birdseed bag, and it didn’t even wait for me to finish before flying right over and grabbing one. I was blown away! Those little birds are seriously sassy and not afraid!

Went to Barnes and Noble on Sunday and maaaan, that book smell that greets you when you first walk in is seriously the best smell. So very soothing and relaxing and inspiring all at the exact same time. I wanted everything, but with my limited moolas, I settled for 2 bargain books. One was a National Geographic how things work book and the other was a journal type of book where they prompt you with 2 sentences of a story and you finish it. OH man. My creative side has been bursting at the seams lately and thriving off the sustenance I’d been denying it. The only problem with reading and being creative again is that I can NOT multitask. At all. I’ve begun to notice that my clumsiness has returned. It had been missing for a long while, and actually my coordination and reaction speeds had been getting better and better the more physical fodder I’ve been giving my body. I just have to be more careful. It’s hard to admit that this lack of creativity stemmed from obtaining a boyfriend. If that wasn’t a red flag already, I don’t know what is. Now, I just sit and marvel at why I waited so long to pick up an actual book that wasn’t manga, or interesting bits of useless information or video game based. That’s the kind of encouragement I want from my significant other, moving forward: one that supports all of my interests. That is a tall order, though, because I have very many and varied interests. Really. It runs the gamut.

Hah…I was just thinking the other day that maybe it is impossible to find someone for me. My thought processes, my interests, my values are so significant and apparently horribly unique, that it’s nigh impossible. I’m sure there are others out there like me, because I have very interesting patients, but the probability two singles would stumble across each other given my lack of social anything is painfully low. The most interesting patients of mine are mostly younger women around my age or guys that are established already. PFFFT. My music just changed to the Wedding March. Funny, life, funny.

My hair is crazy short again. I got a tick embedded in my hip so I started freaking out about them being in my hair. With it this short I can easily monitor now. Plus, I want the shortest hair possible and it was a good excuse, lol. It’s pretty much boy cut. What I really want is a longer buzz cut, but no one wants to do that. Guh.

Recently I started with this horribly addictive app where you get to read and make decisions in these stories. They are M-17 rated, but they are visual novels too. The 17 rating is very soft. Right now I have finished 2 romance genre ones. The first one I read was much better than the second. I don’t usually like romance novels, but maybe I’m in a book kick, so anything is good for me. The first visual novel really pulled me in, though for whatever reason, the female protagonists (yes, these are aimed towards women) are really dumb. They’re well written, though. When I get on these romance kicks, I usually last a few stories before they start getting repetitive and cliché. Then my mind starts analyzing them and why the authors portrayed romance or love a certain way every time. Why every single protagonist seems to be a supermodel and absolutely gorgeous or all know 3 kinds of martial arts but seem to be absolutely worthless when they need to fight. The best part about these types of books, though, is that they usually end up making me want to write my own stories.

Which meeeeeans, that project aowam saw some work last night! I hate writing again after a hiatus because nothing ever sounds like it’s good enough. The words always sound awkward and terrible, but the most important part is getting the ideas down, no matter how rough. Revision is easier.


Slept Well

Whoooooooo! MAN it’s nice to actually sleep well! Magic night guard, I tells ya!

My belly is big again and I just feel plain heavy. That darn doughnut from last week and the bag of gummy bears too!

It’s absolutely gorgeous outside today. Why can’t it be like this on the weekend? Yepp….looks like several weather forecasts agree that the weekend will be rainy. So depressing. Why is life preventing me from selling my house? Makes me wonder.

Just had a thought this morning: if body hair covers parts where the skin is sensitive, thin and prone to friction, with warming, advertising and protective function, then beards were meant for fighting. Have you ever felt a bushy beard before? They’re soft and cushiony. I assume, then, that trying to punch out a guy with a beard is much more difficult than one who doesn’t have one.

In a similar vein, yesterday as I was cleaning up at work, I had the realization that the phrase, “I call shotgun” arose from the age of stagecoaches where the shotgun had to sit next to the driver to gun down bandits. After all these years and I finally get it. D’oh

So yesterday, my co-worker and I were talking about one of her friends who was coming to have his teeth cleaned. She made a face and started telling me his history. I’d seen him a few times in the past and had wrinkled my own nose at the prospect of seeing him again. She said that he was in 5 year relationship with a very controlling girl, then he was single for 6 years and just broke up with his 1 year girlfriend. She was ragging on how and why he couldn’t keep a girlfriend and that perhaps he’s gay? She said that her own friends who meet the guy at a party or event, don’t like him either. He’s a bit of a douche, she said, as the consensus. He did brush me off merely because I have dogs and not puppies when I first met him and he had a puppy and was super “know-it-all.” Said basically that my information about dogs didn’t matter because of that fact. Puppies…dogs…they’re the same….so…I don’t see the difference. Whatever. Being the professional I am,  just changed the subject, but the offense and his lack of reasonability was already clear and my judgement was already made.

Anyways, the point of all this is that it’s amazing how people, society place so much significance on being in a relationship, and all the subsequent baggage and expectation that comes with that. I can’t really fault anyone for having that sentiment, though, because it is prevalent in society, and humanity as a whole. Every single culture expects their children, their people to be in relationships, actively seeking out men or women in order to procreate. It’s human, it’s nature, it’s primal. Then you have me, who sees it all as only an option in life, not a necessity. I go as far as to put myself and those who share this idea on a pedestal, because we are “transcending humanity and nature” by not wishing to procreate or involve in such shenanigans. There are subsequent consequences to this decision, but it’s the sentiment nonetheless. At the same time, I’m not wholly opposed to the idea, as I’m not immune, being female, to the primal/natural allure of babies. Mating and finding that mate is also there too. I continue to struggle with these 2 opposing forces, of yes or no, of why not, and why so?

Looking down on people because they’ve only had 2 girlfriends and “can’t keep them” is…I dunno, to me unfair. I value choice and thought. I agree he’s not the nicest person and the possibility of him being gay is there, which may explain why he’s not a happy person. Heaven knows that they feel the same way about me. I’m a year out and not interested in another relationship currently if ever. My family asks, friends wonder, patients ask too. Why the worry? Why the care? Beh.

Running out of time, but homosexuality, while becoming more accepted, is still a debate topic. Think about your views on it. Many are accepting, now, but isn’t there still a bit of, uhhhhh, going on inside you? An unease, a misgiving? Think about it, though, and don’t lie to yourself. Now, think about why you feel that way. I feel like the weirdness feeling really comes about from the same place as that drive to find mates and procreate and then think poorly about those who won’t/can’t find a bf, or gf as well as looking way down on virginity. If you notice, men seem to be either accepting, or more prevalently, completely weirded out, almost grossed out about gayness.

It all boils down to that natural drive to produce babies. It’s bred in you, made in you, and anything outside that seems to defy nature and induce, well, fear. It’s strange, different, and doesn’t make natural sense.

Great, now I’m super late.

Trying To Sleep

I was trying to go to sleep last night and one thing kept popping up in my brain the whole time: What’s the  point of it all? Have you ever asked yourself this? I’ve ruminated on this question since before high school. The question hits me randomly a couple times a year, and I guess it’s about that time again for the first time in 2018. So, having thought about it for more than half of my life, am I any closer to the answer? No. My “answer” is still the same: that there really isn’t an answer yet, not until it’s over. Life, I mean. Then all will become clear…whether it be a yes or a no. I just go through the same thought path of floating out of myself and seeing it all from a 3rd person perspective, thinking about the past, the present and the future. Then it all zooms out to the country, the planet and the universe and how miniscule and seemingly meaningless it all is. Do you care what a specific electron is doing right now? Or what the lone ant inside the colony is up to or thinking? Has it any impact on you? Possibly down the road, but not tangibly in this instant, no. If it is all meaningless, why am I working, making money, worrying about relationships, thinking about reproduction, retirement, family? What’s the point of it all? Might as well just give up and lay on the couch all day or just squander all of my money, quit my job and go have fun. Or just give it all into the internet and dissolve that brain.

Then it all zooms back into my life, and my perspective, and the reality is, it doesn’t matter what the point of it all is because I’m still alive, I’m still affecting others, I still have responsibilities and duties in this society, this reality, I’ve been brought into and have created for myself. Like the ant in the colony, I have a role to fill that I just can’t shrug off and go somewhere because these things do matter to me, the human, the speck, the little pawn in this impossibly complex game. Or maybe it’s massively simple. It doesn’t matter what I think or feel about it, life and duty still soldier on and so should I. The only thing that may set me apart from the masses is that I even think about it like this. Haha. Maybe the antibodies of the system might come and mark me if I’m not careful.

Blue pill or red pill?

I’ll just continue to strive for what makes me happy and avoid those that don’t.

Interestingly I just happened across a meme this morning of a picture of Heath Ledger and a quote of his (supposedly) saying something along the lines of, people ask what your career is, if you have a house as if it is written somewhere that…..screw it I’ll just find a similar meme.


There. It resonates with me because I completely agree and have mentioned something similar in my past entries. Somehow it is invisibly written somewhere that success in life is solely in a person getting married to an amazing person, having kids, a career, a nice house, 2 cars, and retiring to a nice place. If you fail in any of these points, you fail in life and have been very unsuccessful. In fact, why is it that those who have never been married or are single deemed to be failures and looked down upon? Where did these societal rules get set up and by whom? That women should have long hair. That men need to be manly and macho. There are other questions I have about “norms” like why is it that experiencing sex is so undeniably important that it is massively ridiculed to have remained virgin or celibate? Why is it so important to look a certain way or to remain one of the “cool peeps?” If you look at a spattering of the population so many people would fall into the “eh” or “ok” or “ugly” category. Beauty standards!!! That’s why beautiful people stand out, because they’re pretty and they’re relatively rare in the population.

I have others, but I’m out of time, and I also have some tentative answers, though not that it should justify actions or “normalcy.” Ah, a thoughtful start to my Friday.


I am OLD

Yesterday was my birthday. Yet another birthday. It was great, though! Since I have no car and can’t go anywhere on my own, I got to spend time with my nephew and we spent the day at my grandparent’s house with my dogs too. I got everything I could want: family, dogs, time off work and a very short haircut. Doesn’t get much better than that.

My car came up to $3000 in replacements and repairs. It turned out more complex than the estimate dude thought, so now I’ll be without a car much longer than I thought. Thankfully my situation allows me the use of my family’s cars and my brother works from home for the most part. My insurance does not cover rental car because I bought it way back in 2010 when I was poor with the intention of changing it when I got a job, but it completely slipped my mind and there you have it. Later, I’ll definitely add it to my plan. After the rates hike up of course. Sigh.

I read an article the other day about this lady who divorced her husband and reflecting on how it went wrong and how now they get along so much better apart than ever together. Great as friends, but not as partners. I felt a bit guilty. It makes sense, to think of a marriage or any relationship at all as a partnership. I feel like there’s nothing anywhere that trains you on how to make a relationship work. Not school, not books, definitely not TV or movies. The clues are there, just never explicitly explained…instead the focus is all on marriage for love. Everyone gets that. All songs, most movies, video games, books…how to get the girl or guy, how gorgeous they have to be, the focus on lust…all physical feelings and attractions: exactly the stuff that make a baby happen and then guaranteeing a split. Primal. Maybe at one point in the existence of humans this was completely appropriate, but not in society now where it takes money, support, and psychology…and well, a partnership…to make it all work.

Now that I’ve read it, it all makes sense. I think about the team, the partnership concept, and look to where I have the best example of this: work. My co-worker/friend/former classmate. We work well together. VERY well together. I miss her heavily when she’s not there. We’re not friends so much in the sense that we hang out outside of work. I’ve done that on rare occasions and like back when we were in school. That’s our space. We work…together. I don’t lord over her, I don’t control her, in fact, she has my significant respect. I don’t want to change her. I pick up slack for her when she needs it, I help her out. She does the same for me. We agree on mostly the same morals. We have very similar work ethics. When I just can’t do something, I know that she’ll be able to and I pass it off to her. I’ll readily and do tell patients that if she can’t do something, I sure as heck can’t–I’m proud of her abilities. We’re partners. I care strongly about her well being, about her family and about her future. I never want to see her hurt. However, we are our own people and I never try to change that because if she ever did, that wouldn’t be her and I’d miss that too. We talk about deep things, about family. She listens, I listen to her. We exchange ideas. We are allowed to adopt the other’s ideas, or not. She’s her own person. We can sit in silence together and it’s not awkward at all. We have space and we have together time. A partnership. We work well in a team.

A relationship, in my opinion, should be very similar, with a few physical differences, but that shouldn’t be all it’s about. Based strongly off of respect for the other. Balanced in all ways, with space and with closeness. Never about changing the other or holding to expectations because that mere fact alone means that you don’t trust them to be able to accomplish things in life. No grading a relationship, no deep analysis. I am prone to it, because that’s how my brain thinks, but here’s the weird part about that: I have never ever analyzed my and my coworker’s relationship at all. There has never ever been a need to do so. It just exists, happily. Does that mean, then, that the relationship analysis only came about because there’s a sense that something is not quite right?

Sure, there are other things keeping us together, like money, and the workplace. Every relationship is different as well. Sparks peter off, beauty will fade. But money and kids can be that possible glue that keeps a couple together, though hopefully it doesn’t come to that. Well. Whatever the future holds for me relationship-wise, I do not want to repeat my mistakes. I will look at it like a partnership, no one higher than the other. That was our big problem. He kept saying that we’re so far apart in our life roads that we weren’t compatible. It’s true. I kept treating him like I was the teacher and he as the student…hardly an equality in respect. I don’t know if there was anything I super respected about him. He was like another younger brother to me and when I absorbed from him things I had no experience in, it was like a spider sucking all the juices out of a fly. There was nothing left, no fight in him either. I was fond of him. I NEED to respect my significant other…something I don’t give away lightly at all. That’s why I have so very few friends.

I don’t want to marry for love in the romantic sense. I think it’s folly to be overcome by emotion like that and make significant decisions. Not in my late age. That’s probably why people get married in their twenties: not only are you biologically peaked, but you’re not set in your ways yet. Not like I am now. Inflexible.


Could not get up this morning! Even going to sleep early the night before! I’m just thankful my brain was aware enough to wake up literally 5 minutes before I’m supposed to wake up. My body certainly used full advantage of sleep, methinks. My knee feels a bit better, but still tender when I press on the mesial ligaments surrounding my kneecap. I am convinced now that it had something to do with my sleeping the night before and not from working like I’d surmised yesterday. Work certainly exacerbated an injured ligament, but not the cause. Gotta wonder sometimes…

Super happy that today is the last day of work this week…not that I’m going to get a break because I’ll be doing marathon fence/yardwork at the other house.

Yowza…my brain isn’t working properly. I can’t think right now.

Whenever my 2 engaged co-workers at work start talking wedding stuff, I don’t want to hear it. I want to be excited for them, but I’m not that kind of girl, I think. That and I guess it’s a still a somewhat sore point with me which is silly because I really am not all that interested right now. If I was, I’d be busting my butt to shop around. I’ve resigned myself to not ever having kids and I think my family has 1) always known this as I’ve announced it from when I was little, and 2) don’t expect any different. Still waiting for my future path to open up and show me what it has in the plan.

Now that I’ve been doing DIY things for a while, and seeing others, I’ve grown a major respect for professional skills. It used to be the mindset of “why should I pay someone to do this when I could do it cheaper and hopefully correctly without worrying that someone is cheating me out?” Now it’s the more that I want to do it myself. Partially to save money, but mostly merely because I want to. Take, for instance, cars. I know and I’ve done my own brakes. It’s not hard at all and would save so much money to do it myself. However, why? I have a patient at work who is a car guy. His whole adult life he’s been buying very old cars and restoring them from the ground up. I’d mentioned to him that I’d like to change my own oil sometime and he basically told me, why? It’s not that expensive and it saves you a whole lot of mess and inconvenience. If I was younger, I’d say, wow, what a rich person, entitled thing to say, but you know what? He’s got a point. Going back to the brakes thing, even if I know how to do it, I don’t really care to do it myself unless I’m super strapped for cash or I just enjoy more than anything doing car stuff. It’s a big pain in the butt and will indeed take all day. Not to mention, if something goes wrong….the people at the shop not only have lifts that make it all so much faster, but they have parts if something indeed goes wrong. I’d still like to change my own oil once to know exactly how it’s done (I know in theory) but I will still go pay someone a small premium to do it for me and dispose of it, get THEIR hands and arms dirty for it, etc.

In the same vein, over the last few years (also benefitting from a decent paying job, mind you), I’ve grown to appreciate prices and cost. Yeah, it might be cheaper this way or that way, but I’ve come to a realization that there’s a good reason for cost. Sometimes not, if someone decides to charge an arm and a leg for name and logo alone, but most of the time. My co-worker was complaining that she went to Barnes and Noble, picked 5 books and put them all back because it came to about $50 and she could get them much cheaper through Amazon. My brother regularly buys things that you can easily get from a standing store through Amazon because it’s convenient (Target is literally 5 minutes from the house). My relatives like going to H-Mart because their apples are not only more than half the price of a regular grocery store, but more than double the size! Not to bust the convenience bubble, though I sort of am because people are so doggone lazy these days (this lady called into the store, my mom was telling me, and asked if we would deliver her online-bought goods to her car outside. When asked why, she said because it’s too cold and she doesn’t want to get out of the car to walk in).

What, exactly, are you paying for when you buy a product? Why is it that Amazon can charge such a low price? Why is it, that with the rise of Amazon, individual stores are going belly up in droves? Why in the world are bigger products like apples far cheaper than the smaller, more natural ones? When you buy from a store, like Target, you’re not only paying for the ability to get it right then and there, and touch it, and feel it, and smell it, and try it on, you’re paying for their lease of the store building itself, the utilities, and most importantly, their workers. Like my mom. That she can make a living, that she can have medical benefits. Amazon uses robots mostly. They use people too, and I don’t know about working conditions now, but it wasn’t too good not long ago when people were literally dying. They don’t  need standing stores, they just need giant warehouses and rely on delivery companies. I know a person who works for UPS. He doesn’t get paid more with the massive influx of online ordering, he just gets a much bigger headache. Their overhead is lower, bottom line. Apples that are so big, but very cheap? What in the world is it grown? What is injected into them? You gotta wonder! Things have a price. Think about it. I’ve tried really hard to buy products in stores instead of online. Definitely online has an almost endless supply of choices, it’s convenient, cheaper, and there things that you can only find online, but I’ve been trying extremely hard to go to standing stores and support them. Wean myself off the online binge which is so easy to do. I want this, and this and that and ooo what’s that I don’t need? $100 for a $3 purchase? Sweet. It’s bad enough when that happens in Target…online it’s a breeze to go overboard!

Back to it

3 day week, this week, with no word of makeup day as of yet…but I know it’s coming because work on Friday was a DISASTER. One power outage right after my first patient, and then sitting around for a bit, and then it came back one for about 30 minutes before yet AGAIN it goes out. I swore up and down that it’d come right back one, but it didn’t for over 2 hours. By then the day was pretty much gone with no real hope of it coming back. The doctors were improvising to finish their procedures in the dark with no power, while we just all sat around being paid to do absolutely nothing and make no money whatsoever. By the time they sent everyone home, the power came back on and I was the only one left just in case it did come back. So I managed to see 2 more patients before we truly called it a day. Sounds like an easy time, but I couldn’t believe how tired I was afterwards, like I was super stressed out the whole time, which I probably was. 4 hours of patients completely lost. My bosses were stressed, but he is always better than her who just about lost it. I mean, what can you do? It’s not something you can be warned about or know about! You just deal with what it is.

Before I left, I spent time talking to her about how I’ve been tossing around the idea of going back to dental school, given the inevitable sale of my house. She and I have zero doubt of my ability and getting through it is not the problem. Inconveniences before in preparation, hurdles during, but it’s the after I’m very afraid of. The sale of my house will help smooth over any finance issues, but I would still apply for student loans nonetheless. The real issue is that being a dentist or any doctor like that is a major commitment, and one that I would be 100% “STUCK” with forever after that. Gone would be my carefree days of no responsibility. Days like the power outage day will cause me undue stress like it causes her instead of my “whatever” mindset as not-the-boss. I’m sick? It’s ok, don’t come in. Vacation? Go for it. Terrible patient? Not my problem after I’m done with the cleaning. Dog is sick? You’re fine, go deal with it. The practice hasn’t ground to a halt yet.

The reality is that once again, of course, of COURSE, I could handle it all, and especially now having practiced in the field for a good amount of time, I know some of the tricks and what to expect and I wouldn’t go in with this idealistic mindset of being a glamorous and cool dentist because I understand the reality of life and the ins and outs of it all. I’d be mentally and physically more prepared than any of my peers unless they had the same experiences. HOWEVER….however….my heart is not there. In this moment in time, that is the absolutely best time to ever accomplish a goal such as this, I just don’t want it enough. I DO NOT WANT IT 100%. I’m cool with the idea 30% even maybe 50%, but I am not at all committed. The mediocre current could sweep my feet out from under me and I’d run and hide under my rock. It’s just that given the perfect storm, if I didn’t choose it now, I’d be hard pressed to find another opportunity in my life to do it again. It would solve financial issues, it would solve relatives’ expectation issues, it would solve society-and peer-influenced-expectation and goal issues, it would more than likely solve future-mate-relationship issues (I tend to attract the males around me if I hang out around them long enough), it would allow me the opportunity to do dental school the correct way unlike the experience I had in hygiene school.

I…I still don’t want it right now. I just don’t. I like being carefree. I make a very decent amount of money now even not working anywhere near full time.

Wow look at the time!!!

Cute doggies

I had one of those moments where I was sitting with my girl and she fell asleep with her legs tucked under my arm, so I felt like I couldn’t move at all because then she’d wake up and that would be sacrilegious. SO ADORABLE. That ended up cutting my exercise hours tonight, but I’m glad I was able to squeeze a little bit in anyways. Every little bit counts. No way in the world I’m going to be able to lose this gut or even tighten it up by Christmas Day. Oh well.

Coworker S was busy telling people again about how she just wants her bf to propose to her. She let slip today while talking to me that she had, in fact, been engaged once before years ago. Obviously that didn’t work out and I didn’t press, but to me that only explains why this is even MORE important to her than I originally realized.

My doc was talking to a male patient about how he’s actually a homebody that doesn’t actually want to do anything besides lay on the couch, but his wife (my other doc) always wants to do something, so he does do things for his kids sakes. The patient said, yeah, he’s the same way, and when he was married his wife always pressured him into doing things he didn’t want, but now that he isn’t married, he’s lonely. It gave me insight into the male mind a bit. Not all males, of course, but I feel that’s a bit of what’s going on in Corworker S’s relationship…she’s told me pretty much everything that has happened since they started dating which is soon after she started working here, and there is a common theme of her wanting him to do something that he doesn’t really want to do, then she gets upset and he gets upset that she’s unhappy and ends up doing it for her even if he doesn’t want to. In fact, I feel (like Coworker B) that he doesn’t really want to be engaged or get married yet or at all, and it’s yet another pressure from her and expectation. It was the same with renting the house that they are right now. He clearly didn’t want to, but she once, again, pressured him into it. I don’t even think he wanted to do their Iceland trip, which might explain why when I asked him about it he was like, eh, it was fun. He always answers what he thinks you want to hear, so it’s hard to tell what he really wants. He’s a people pleaser. I knew that the very instant I cleaned his teeth the first time. I keep saying I read people, but everyone keeps thinking I’m just boasting about stuff. No, really. I can read a person if I really want to. It comes very naturally to me. I think it’s bad if they’ve argued about the whole engagement thing.

My own relationship was very similar in that he kept telling me that I was always putting too much pressure on him and he doesn’t like pressure. Pressure to talk about the future, to spend time with him, to do things with him even though he was “so busy” and just wanted to be in his dark vampire cave and just play games, watch anime and sleep. I don’t think I was asking very much, but maybe I was.

Maybe all these men are just super boring. My brother never actually wants to do much. Then again, I’m not the most exciting person ever, I just like trying new things and doing fun stuff. I LOVE staying home and playing games and sleeping, but I’d like to experience new stuff.

Having someone push you past your comfort zone is a good thing overall, but there has to be a line drawn somewhere.

Eh. It’s not my life and not really my business. I’m just worried for Coworker S because she loves him so much and she wants this so much. I’m less worried for Coworker Q because she’s a really solid person with different hurdles, but still worried that she’s rushing into something. I hinted as such as I was messaging her earlier. I shared that I’d been reading that divorce rates are up in those married for 20 years and the kids have flown the coop. Since the kids are gone, nothing is keeping the couple together anymore so they split. That’s what I’m afraid of when a couple gets together just to start a family. My end goal is companionship and partnership forever. Not for kids. Not just for the primal need for reproduction. I don’t know who decided that success in life is having children. Why is it that childless couples are looked down upon? It is proven that having children doesn’t make people happier, it just makes people feel more fulfilled in life. Not to mention they’re expensive. If being human means that we have the brain capacity to think and reason, way higher on the scale than any other animal, then defying nature’s call for reproduction can be considered superseding the purpose of life itself. Well, she said she agreed with me, that she’s in it for forever, not for kids, and that dating in her 30s is much different than in her 20s when her goals were much different. I mentioned that I regret not dating in my 20s, but that I’m kind of glad because I was so immature and naïve then.

Not that anyone finds me attractive enough to consider. I don’t know how to meet people. Online dating seems full of desperates, especially in this age range now. I don’t drink. I don’t do this and that. Sigh. Maybe one will just come to my door one day and there you go. I mean, even the 600lb Life show peeps all have boyfriends and husbands. Goodness.

MAN why am I so sleepy?

I don’t know what to do about my house. Liana really needs a yard. She’s going bonker, bored dog again.

I’m getting that routine annoyance about living with my family members again. I just want my own place and the ability to visit when I choose to.

So. Poor. Now.