I am OLD

Yesterday was my birthday. Yet another birthday. It was great, though! Since I have no car and can’t go anywhere on my own, I got to spend time with my nephew and we spent the day at my grandparent’s house with my dogs too. I got everything I could want: family, dogs, time off work and a very short haircut. Doesn’t get much better than that.

My car came up to $3000 in replacements and repairs. It turned out more complex than the estimate dude thought, so now I’ll be without a car much longer than I thought. Thankfully my situation allows me the use of my family’s cars and my brother works from home for the most part. My insurance does not cover rental car because I bought it way back in 2010 when I was poor with the intention of changing it when I got a job, but it completely slipped my mind and there you have it. Later, I’ll definitely add it to my plan. After the rates hike up of course. Sigh.

I read an article the other day about this lady who divorced her husband and reflecting on how it went wrong and how now they get along so much better apart than ever together. Great as friends, but not as partners. I felt a bit guilty. It makes sense, to think of a marriage or any relationship at all as a partnership. I feel like there’s nothing anywhere that trains you on how to make a relationship work. Not school, not books, definitely not TV or movies. The clues are there, just never explicitly explained…instead the focus is all on marriage for love. Everyone gets that. All songs, most movies, video games, books…how to get the girl or guy, how gorgeous they have to be, the focus on lust…all physical feelings and attractions: exactly the stuff that make a baby happen and then guaranteeing a split. Primal. Maybe at one point in the existence of humans this was completely appropriate, but not in society now where it takes money, support, and psychology…and well, a partnership…to make it all work.

Now that I’ve read it, it all makes sense. I think about the team, the partnership concept, and look to where I have the best example of this: work. My co-worker/friend/former classmate. We work well together. VERY well together. I miss her heavily when she’s not there. We’re not friends so much in the sense that we hang out outside of work. I’ve done that on rare occasions and like back when we were in school. That’s our space. We work…together. I don’t lord over her, I don’t control her, in fact, she has my significant respect. I don’t want to change her. I pick up slack for her when she needs it, I help her out. She does the same for me. We agree on mostly the same morals. We have very similar work ethics. When I just can’t do something, I know that she’ll be able to and I pass it off to her. I’ll readily and do tell patients that if she can’t do something, I sure as heck can’t–I’m proud of her abilities. We’re partners. I care strongly about her well being, about her family and about her future. I never want to see her hurt. However, we are our own people and I never try to change that because if she ever did, that wouldn’t be her and I’d miss that too. We talk about deep things, about family. She listens, I listen to her. We exchange ideas. We are allowed to adopt the other’s ideas, or not. She’s her own person. We can sit in silence together and it’s not awkward at all. We have space and we have together time. A partnership. We work well in a team.

A relationship, in my opinion, should be very similar, with a few physical differences, but that shouldn’t be all it’s about. Based strongly off of respect for the other. Balanced in all ways, with space and with closeness. Never about changing the other or holding to expectations because that mere fact alone means that you don’t trust them to be able to accomplish things in life. No grading a relationship, no deep analysis. I am prone to it, because that’s how my brain thinks, but here’s the weird part about that: I have never ever analyzed my and my coworker’s relationship at all. There has never ever been a need to do so. It just exists, happily. Does that mean, then, that the relationship analysis only came about because there’s a sense that something is not quite right?

Sure, there are other things keeping us together, like money, and the workplace. Every relationship is different as well. Sparks peter off, beauty will fade. But money and kids can be that possible glue that keeps a couple together, though hopefully it doesn’t come to that. Well. Whatever the future holds for me relationship-wise, I do not want to repeat my mistakes. I will look at it like a partnership, no one higher than the other. That was our big problem. He kept saying that we’re so far apart in our life roads that we weren’t compatible. It’s true. I kept treating him like I was the teacher and he as the student…hardly an equality in respect. I don’t know if there was anything I super respected about him. He was like another younger brother to me and when I absorbed from him things I had no experience in, it was like a spider sucking all the juices out of a fly. There was nothing left, no fight in him either. I was fond of him. I NEED to respect my significant other…something I don’t give away lightly at all. That’s why I have so very few friends.

I don’t want to marry for love in the romantic sense. I think it’s folly to be overcome by emotion like that and make significant decisions. Not in my late age. That’s probably why people get married in their twenties: not only are you biologically peaked, but you’re not set in your ways yet. Not like I am now. Inflexible.

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Yow

Could not get up this morning! Even going to sleep early the night before! I’m just thankful my brain was aware enough to wake up literally 5 minutes before I’m supposed to wake up. My body certainly used full advantage of sleep, methinks. My knee feels a bit better, but still tender when I press on the mesial ligaments surrounding my kneecap. I am convinced now that it had something to do with my sleeping the night before and not from working like I’d surmised yesterday. Work certainly exacerbated an injured ligament, but not the cause. Gotta wonder sometimes…

Super happy that today is the last day of work this week…not that I’m going to get a break because I’ll be doing marathon fence/yardwork at the other house.

Yowza…my brain isn’t working properly. I can’t think right now.

Whenever my 2 engaged co-workers at work start talking wedding stuff, I don’t want to hear it. I want to be excited for them, but I’m not that kind of girl, I think. That and I guess it’s a still a somewhat sore point with me which is silly because I really am not all that interested right now. If I was, I’d be busting my butt to shop around. I’ve resigned myself to not ever having kids and I think my family has 1) always known this as I’ve announced it from when I was little, and 2) don’t expect any different. Still waiting for my future path to open up and show me what it has in the plan.

Now that I’ve been doing DIY things for a while, and seeing others, I’ve grown a major respect for professional skills. It used to be the mindset of “why should I pay someone to do this when I could do it cheaper and hopefully correctly without worrying that someone is cheating me out?” Now it’s the more that I want to do it myself. Partially to save money, but mostly merely because I want to. Take, for instance, cars. I know and I’ve done my own brakes. It’s not hard at all and would save so much money to do it myself. However, why? I have a patient at work who is a car guy. His whole adult life he’s been buying very old cars and restoring them from the ground up. I’d mentioned to him that I’d like to change my own oil sometime and he basically told me, why? It’s not that expensive and it saves you a whole lot of mess and inconvenience. If I was younger, I’d say, wow, what a rich person, entitled thing to say, but you know what? He’s got a point. Going back to the brakes thing, even if I know how to do it, I don’t really care to do it myself unless I’m super strapped for cash or I just enjoy more than anything doing car stuff. It’s a big pain in the butt and will indeed take all day. Not to mention, if something goes wrong….the people at the shop not only have lifts that make it all so much faster, but they have parts if something indeed goes wrong. I’d still like to change my own oil once to know exactly how it’s done (I know in theory) but I will still go pay someone a small premium to do it for me and dispose of it, get THEIR hands and arms dirty for it, etc.

In the same vein, over the last few years (also benefitting from a decent paying job, mind you), I’ve grown to appreciate prices and cost. Yeah, it might be cheaper this way or that way, but I’ve come to a realization that there’s a good reason for cost. Sometimes not, if someone decides to charge an arm and a leg for name and logo alone, but most of the time. My co-worker was complaining that she went to Barnes and Noble, picked 5 books and put them all back because it came to about $50 and she could get them much cheaper through Amazon. My brother regularly buys things that you can easily get from a standing store through Amazon because it’s convenient (Target is literally 5 minutes from the house). My relatives like going to H-Mart because their apples are not only more than half the price of a regular grocery store, but more than double the size! Not to bust the convenience bubble, though I sort of am because people are so doggone lazy these days (this lady called into the store, my mom was telling me, and asked if we would deliver her online-bought goods to her car outside. When asked why, she said because it’s too cold and she doesn’t want to get out of the car to walk in).

What, exactly, are you paying for when you buy a product? Why is it that Amazon can charge such a low price? Why is it, that with the rise of Amazon, individual stores are going belly up in droves? Why in the world are bigger products like apples far cheaper than the smaller, more natural ones? When you buy from a store, like Target, you’re not only paying for the ability to get it right then and there, and touch it, and feel it, and smell it, and try it on, you’re paying for their lease of the store building itself, the utilities, and most importantly, their workers. Like my mom. That she can make a living, that she can have medical benefits. Amazon uses robots mostly. They use people too, and I don’t know about working conditions now, but it wasn’t too good not long ago when people were literally dying. They don’t  need standing stores, they just need giant warehouses and rely on delivery companies. I know a person who works for UPS. He doesn’t get paid more with the massive influx of online ordering, he just gets a much bigger headache. Their overhead is lower, bottom line. Apples that are so big, but very cheap? What in the world is it grown? What is injected into them? You gotta wonder! Things have a price. Think about it. I’ve tried really hard to buy products in stores instead of online. Definitely online has an almost endless supply of choices, it’s convenient, cheaper, and there things that you can only find online, but I’ve been trying extremely hard to go to standing stores and support them. Wean myself off the online binge which is so easy to do. I want this, and this and that and ooo what’s that I don’t need? $100 for a $3 purchase? Sweet. It’s bad enough when that happens in Target…online it’s a breeze to go overboard!

Back to it

3 day week, this week, with no word of makeup day as of yet…but I know it’s coming because work on Friday was a DISASTER. One power outage right after my first patient, and then sitting around for a bit, and then it came back one for about 30 minutes before yet AGAIN it goes out. I swore up and down that it’d come right back one, but it didn’t for over 2 hours. By then the day was pretty much gone with no real hope of it coming back. The doctors were improvising to finish their procedures in the dark with no power, while we just all sat around being paid to do absolutely nothing and make no money whatsoever. By the time they sent everyone home, the power came back on and I was the only one left just in case it did come back. So I managed to see 2 more patients before we truly called it a day. Sounds like an easy time, but I couldn’t believe how tired I was afterwards, like I was super stressed out the whole time, which I probably was. 4 hours of patients completely lost. My bosses were stressed, but he is always better than her who just about lost it. I mean, what can you do? It’s not something you can be warned about or know about! You just deal with what it is.

Before I left, I spent time talking to her about how I’ve been tossing around the idea of going back to dental school, given the inevitable sale of my house. She and I have zero doubt of my ability and getting through it is not the problem. Inconveniences before in preparation, hurdles during, but it’s the after I’m very afraid of. The sale of my house will help smooth over any finance issues, but I would still apply for student loans nonetheless. The real issue is that being a dentist or any doctor like that is a major commitment, and one that I would be 100% “STUCK” with forever after that. Gone would be my carefree days of no responsibility. Days like the power outage day will cause me undue stress like it causes her instead of my “whatever” mindset as not-the-boss. I’m sick? It’s ok, don’t come in. Vacation? Go for it. Terrible patient? Not my problem after I’m done with the cleaning. Dog is sick? You’re fine, go deal with it. The practice hasn’t ground to a halt yet.

The reality is that once again, of course, of COURSE, I could handle it all, and especially now having practiced in the field for a good amount of time, I know some of the tricks and what to expect and I wouldn’t go in with this idealistic mindset of being a glamorous and cool dentist because I understand the reality of life and the ins and outs of it all. I’d be mentally and physically more prepared than any of my peers unless they had the same experiences. HOWEVER….however….my heart is not there. In this moment in time, that is the absolutely best time to ever accomplish a goal such as this, I just don’t want it enough. I DO NOT WANT IT 100%. I’m cool with the idea 30% even maybe 50%, but I am not at all committed. The mediocre current could sweep my feet out from under me and I’d run and hide under my rock. It’s just that given the perfect storm, if I didn’t choose it now, I’d be hard pressed to find another opportunity in my life to do it again. It would solve financial issues, it would solve relatives’ expectation issues, it would solve society-and peer-influenced-expectation and goal issues, it would more than likely solve future-mate-relationship issues (I tend to attract the males around me if I hang out around them long enough), it would allow me the opportunity to do dental school the correct way unlike the experience I had in hygiene school.

I…I still don’t want it right now. I just don’t. I like being carefree. I make a very decent amount of money now even not working anywhere near full time.

Wow look at the time!!!

Cute doggies

I had one of those moments where I was sitting with my girl and she fell asleep with her legs tucked under my arm, so I felt like I couldn’t move at all because then she’d wake up and that would be sacrilegious. SO ADORABLE. That ended up cutting my exercise hours tonight, but I’m glad I was able to squeeze a little bit in anyways. Every little bit counts. No way in the world I’m going to be able to lose this gut or even tighten it up by Christmas Day. Oh well.

Coworker S was busy telling people again about how she just wants her bf to propose to her. She let slip today while talking to me that she had, in fact, been engaged once before years ago. Obviously that didn’t work out and I didn’t press, but to me that only explains why this is even MORE important to her than I originally realized.

My doc was talking to a male patient about how he’s actually a homebody that doesn’t actually want to do anything besides lay on the couch, but his wife (my other doc) always wants to do something, so he does do things for his kids sakes. The patient said, yeah, he’s the same way, and when he was married his wife always pressured him into doing things he didn’t want, but now that he isn’t married, he’s lonely. It gave me insight into the male mind a bit. Not all males, of course, but I feel that’s a bit of what’s going on in Corworker S’s relationship…she’s told me pretty much everything that has happened since they started dating which is soon after she started working here, and there is a common theme of her wanting him to do something that he doesn’t really want to do, then she gets upset and he gets upset that she’s unhappy and ends up doing it for her even if he doesn’t want to. In fact, I feel (like Coworker B) that he doesn’t really want to be engaged or get married yet or at all, and it’s yet another pressure from her and expectation. It was the same with renting the house that they are right now. He clearly didn’t want to, but she once, again, pressured him into it. I don’t even think he wanted to do their Iceland trip, which might explain why when I asked him about it he was like, eh, it was fun. He always answers what he thinks you want to hear, so it’s hard to tell what he really wants. He’s a people pleaser. I knew that the very instant I cleaned his teeth the first time. I keep saying I read people, but everyone keeps thinking I’m just boasting about stuff. No, really. I can read a person if I really want to. It comes very naturally to me. I think it’s bad if they’ve argued about the whole engagement thing.

My own relationship was very similar in that he kept telling me that I was always putting too much pressure on him and he doesn’t like pressure. Pressure to talk about the future, to spend time with him, to do things with him even though he was “so busy” and just wanted to be in his dark vampire cave and just play games, watch anime and sleep. I don’t think I was asking very much, but maybe I was.

Maybe all these men are just super boring. My brother never actually wants to do much. Then again, I’m not the most exciting person ever, I just like trying new things and doing fun stuff. I LOVE staying home and playing games and sleeping, but I’d like to experience new stuff.

Having someone push you past your comfort zone is a good thing overall, but there has to be a line drawn somewhere.

Eh. It’s not my life and not really my business. I’m just worried for Coworker S because she loves him so much and she wants this so much. I’m less worried for Coworker Q because she’s a really solid person with different hurdles, but still worried that she’s rushing into something. I hinted as such as I was messaging her earlier. I shared that I’d been reading that divorce rates are up in those married for 20 years and the kids have flown the coop. Since the kids are gone, nothing is keeping the couple together anymore so they split. That’s what I’m afraid of when a couple gets together just to start a family. My end goal is companionship and partnership forever. Not for kids. Not just for the primal need for reproduction. I don’t know who decided that success in life is having children. Why is it that childless couples are looked down upon? It is proven that having children doesn’t make people happier, it just makes people feel more fulfilled in life. Not to mention they’re expensive. If being human means that we have the brain capacity to think and reason, way higher on the scale than any other animal, then defying nature’s call for reproduction can be considered superseding the purpose of life itself. Well, she said she agreed with me, that she’s in it for forever, not for kids, and that dating in her 30s is much different than in her 20s when her goals were much different. I mentioned that I regret not dating in my 20s, but that I’m kind of glad because I was so immature and naïve then.

Not that anyone finds me attractive enough to consider. I don’t know how to meet people. Online dating seems full of desperates, especially in this age range now. I don’t drink. I don’t do this and that. Sigh. Maybe one will just come to my door one day and there you go. I mean, even the 600lb Life show peeps all have boyfriends and husbands. Goodness.

MAN why am I so sleepy?

I don’t know what to do about my house. Liana really needs a yard. She’s going bonker, bored dog again.

I’m getting that routine annoyance about living with my family members again. I just want my own place and the ability to visit when I choose to.

So. Poor. Now.

 

Mashed Potato Brains

I had a patient today that I used to see and hadn’t in a little while. He’s a physician for Kaiser and he always talks — a lot — what was different this time wasn’t him so much as me: my brains are full of mashed potatoes. He, as usual, was talking about intelligent things. As a physician he’s always interested in conditions and such and will work through in his brain out loud and I would contribute with my own brand of intelligence to keep up. However. I couldn’t. I couldn’t come up with the words, the proper names, the medical terminology. I’d mentioned in the past that since I don’t use that kind of information anymore, in dealing with patients (basically I dumb down the words so that people can understand me), I don’t need it and my brain doesn’t think like that anymore. It can be extracted, but that takes effort to find and dust off the cover. I simply cannot believe how far gone it is. Stuff that I’d always been on top of, quick off the top of my head, information, terminology, intelligent conversation, even things like spelling, are gone, poof, into hiding. Even looking back at old posts from college when my brain was top notch and most powerful, I can’t believe how my recent posts pale in comparison in spelling, grammar, accuracy, vocabulary, flow…. And content! Good gravy the content is drivel and inconsequential.

Amazing how little time it takes. You would never know, if you talked to me, that I was always academically inclined. Top of all my classes. Great student. Peers would either respect my prowess, compete, or be jealous. True, I may not have pursued a degree equal to my capability, but that’s by choice and partly by necessity. Now I’ve become what everyone has always assumed of me: an average person with an average job and average intelligence. Not to say that’s a bad thing, not at all, and not to say, either, that I have a powerful need for people to respect me (in fact, I’ve always preferred for others to think I am less than I am), but it does bother me sometimes. Then I sit and wonder what would make me feel validated, then, and how nothing would and why the heck does it even matter on the whole, anyways?

Earlier, I was just pondering about how futile life really is. How inconsequential our lives are when you consider it all. People strive constantly to make a splash, to have a family, to aspire to great things…what’s the point of it all? I get to watch as the kids in my practice grow up and start their own lives. I watch my older patients grow even older and eventually die. Even seemingly healthy patients, happy with life, job, kids just suddenly pass away. I listen and observe as my co-workers and peers rush to get married and have kids before we grow older, ourselves. My mom and grandparents slow down and experience health concerns. Family, patients, friends and myself, all asking me if I’m planning to go higher, to attain higher status. We are currently in December, and yet another year is coming to an end. It’s like it’s all occurring around me and I’m just here watching it all play out like a spectator. My own time and life are slipping away from me. If I were to die tomorrow, people will grieve, but their lives continue and they move on. Is all I’ve done, then for naught? My one little path in the infinite web of life, crisscrossing, meshing, destroying, straying, inspiring other paths of the web…cut abruptly. There are too many other lines to really care about little old me.

Many times I’ve thought about why we are driven to have children and continue that cycle of life. Force them into this world, whether they like it or not. That in and of itself is selfish as it is. We continue the cycle of life, but to what end? There’s no end goal, no finish line that we’re aspiring too, at least that I’m aware of. Why are we and animals and life in general so obsessed with continuation of life? Ha. Maybe I don’t want to know. Maybe, there really IS and finish line and an end game and our evolution over the years is to produce the end product or some specific need. We fear death because we do not understand and do not know what it holds, and yet we live and fight to stay alive even though we neither understand why nor know what the future holds. Life is therefore just like death with the minor exception that we’re, well, alive.

Deep stuff. In the meantime, I’m super sleepy and tired. And I got my Christmas cards in the mail! Also, my left ear really hurts.

I’m all alone, there’s no one here beside me

…literally.

I am home…alone! No dogs either, just me. The people, I’m not concerned about, but the dogs…if I didn’t have the dog beds and dog toys lying around, I’d be okay, but empty dog beds are very depressing. I miss their furry little bodies there. Especially Gable. So what did I do? Flop on the couch. Turn on the TV. Pick up the phone. Forced myself off the couch in search of foods which I’d already planned and bought at work. Heated it up, ate a little and then threw it all away because DAMN it smelled like seafood. Guh. Waste of money. Instead, I ate Green Giant niblet corn, rainbow sherbet, and deli meat. Woohoo! More phone excitement while trying to stay awake, some messenger conversation, made myself stay up until 9:30, checked all the door, inserted the 3 set of whitening trays and here I am. This house is pretty big for one person. I could do it though.

Realllllllyyyy glad I refused to drive down tonight, because driving home from work was bad enough…and I even left early. I kept nodding off and had to break out the chocolate in a valiant effort to keep myself awake. That and getting mad at people…it works, you know? A moderate mad, like frustration and focus. Even then I couldn’t keep it up…geez. Lack of sleep really does that. I’ll sleep after this and then get up early tomorrow to go down in an effort to beat all the traffic. Dunno what I’m gonna do down there while everyone sleeps, but there you go. Another reason I don’t want to be down there.

My coworker was telling me how her boyfriend was getting a new car again. He leases cars so he keeps getting new ones as the leases are up, but he’s always choosing cars that I, myself, find annoying. Normally, I could care less because why should I? It has no bearing on me. The car he has now is a BMW something or another. Now he has a WRX. And for whatever reason he’s always insisting my coworker drive them. BMW and WRX are completely different cars. He also insists on manual, which for someone like him who works from home is fine, but around here a manual car is just ridiculous. Bottom line is that when she told me about it, the news made me irrationally angry and annoyed. I think she noticed. Why? A couple reasons: one, I’m PMSing which means everything makes me overreact. Two, I hate unsettled people and on top of unsettled people, I hate impractical people. To me, especially, in a mate (in this case, my co-worker who wants to spend her life with this guy), someone like this who likes thrill things like new cars, fast cars, expensive things for cars, always changing up cars, is not settle-down material. Rational thinking tells me that whatever, he doesn’t even have to pay for a house right now, so he’s entitled to enjoying his money, but my brain (the same one that gets and has gotten me in trouble relationship-wise) says red alert, flag time. Third, this is the exact same problem I had with ex. Why in the world I keep looking for hidden messages in people’s actions based around cars, but why the HELL do these men (even my brother) care so much about these stupid cars. I know a bit about cars myself, but after thinking about things in the way I do, they are, in the end, a mode of transport. Why people place such importance on them is beyond me, whether it be status, or performance. I mean, status? Performance? Pfft. I’d rather spend it one something else than worry about scuffs on my super expensive car that I don’t ever and will never be able to use to the fullest extent of its performance power because that would be driving-with-intent-to-kill. Why? Because they have nothing else to worry about. Not my brother, not my co-worker’s boyfriend, and not my ex (at least of what I knew of him). None of them own a house or have much other responsibility.

I guess I ascribe it to irresponsibility. That must be why I get upset. With ex-M his ultimate decision to choose that old WRX over something more practical especially for his line of work or even a newer one (he had used to have that same model and year and basically regretted selling it and wanted it again, even boasting to me that the prior owner was facing pressure to sell it from his wife because of their kids…something he criticized about females) was the nail in the coffin for me. It was impractical, and old, meaning more money and work being thrown into it. Manual which is, as I said, terrible for sitting in traffic in this area, and it was a solid signal from him that he was not interested in the least about a future or a family or anything. That’s not meant to be a passenger car. I tried to be supportive as it would be a project for him again…I mean, just because I don’t like something doesn’t mean you have to dislike it too…but the attention, the care, that he gave the vehicle, the non-living hunk of metal, was so lacking in our relationship between people. He cared more for that non-human than he cared for anything that breathed air: me, animals, his patients, his own family. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand for that again after growing up with my dad. Then again, in retrospect, I guess I was attracted to him because he was just like my dad in so many ways. Stupid Freud.

I. Can’t. Stand. Irresponsibility. Immaturity. Which means I’m out of luck because that is apparently the definition of being male.

Then again, it might all be just my own jealousy thrown in there too. Nah. That might be part of it, but that’s not only it. My co-worker really seems to adore her bf and he seems to adore her too, but I’m afraid she just wants too much for things to work. I disagree with some of the things he thinks and believes in. I’ve never talked to him much, but I have some reservations when I see him and send my feelers out. There’s…something. It feels similar to my brother in law. Bah. I need to get over myself. It’s not my life, and I need to stop being so negative about people I don’t know well. It’s just that I care tremendously about what happens to the people I love.

This is exactly why it’s so hard for me to find someone. I’m too complex, too intricate, too…much. Too intense, too many expectations, too stubborn, too…liberal? too thinky. Is there someone out there whose brain is as encompassing as mine? It’s a different way of thinking, broader, intuitive and yet emotional with silly thrown in there for fun. People get offended sometimes and even others don’t understand it. I’m not your common girl. Really. Truly. An emotional robot, if you will. I don’t think I will, because all of those guys are taken. Oh well. Dogs forever!

I think it right that I threw that food away. I swear there’s shrimp in there somewhere. I’m itchy all over now.

Working today

Both WordPress, and me physically going to work, I mean.

Man I don’t want to go in. I stayed up until like 1am because I apparently am all excited about Thanksgiving. I don’t get excited anymore…or maybe I do, but I block it out of my consciousness? Well, the result is that I am super sleepy still. Almost didn’t get up. I hope it doesn’t effect my driving too much. I have tons of kids today too. Guh.

Remember when I kept saying how convinced I was that I had a twin that died before I was born? My mom and I were discussing that again last night. She shed a little more insight on it. She said that she clearly remembered being on the table and that after I was born, the doctor was standing there (he was a small man), and suddenly rushed over and held out his hands to catch a big thing that came out. My mom had always thought it was just the after-birth/placenta, but she remembered that he held his hands about a foot apart and mouth agape. That’s when she went cold from the feet up and they called a code blue because she probably died for a bit. She then recounted that the nurse told her that in the years she worked as a nurse doing that, she had never seen a doctor bring flowers to a mom before. Remember they never told her what happened when she asked, just the nurse there looked at the chart and shook her head sadly before walking away. All the clues point to the same conclusion. Not to mention that mention of a possible second heartbeat at around (as my mom estimates) 3 months. In between 3 and 6 months, is probably when my twin died. And both my mom and I agree that it was a boy. I am absolutely certain it was not another girl. She feels similarly. Maybe that explains why I kept moving around in the womb so much (to get away from zombie sibling?) and why I screamed so earsplittingly loudly as soon as my head was out of the birth canal. I’ve always felt like there was something or someone missing in this world. Just like I like twins because I always felt some sort of a connection to them. My mom said she has to think about whether or not she wants to give a name to my dead brother.