Vacation High

Monday and yesterday had me on my vacation high. Nothing fazes me during that time and things just roll off my back. Started coming down on the commute home yesterday when I finally got mad at someone. It’s amazing how every single time I forget about what it’s like to come back to driving up here. Especially during the school year. Everyone’s crazy, terrible, inconsiderate. I was trying to walk into the grocery store, mindful that around here instead of waiting for you, it’s everyone for themselves and they try to “beat” you so they don’t have to wait which translates to 10 points for running that pedestrian down just so that you can later see them in the store, so I stop and wait as 2 cars come barreling from either direction. They both end up stopping for me, but one so close into the crosswalk and impatiently waving me along. Might as well have just gone. They can’t even be patient, patiently. Defeats the purpose of doing a courtesy when it’s begrudgingly. It just puts into perspective how much stress it is to live around here; little stresses, but it’s constant. It turns you into an insensitive jerk too, because you have to be to survive, even if it’s not your nature.

Maybe that’s why I ate so much on the trip. LOL. I was relaxed. And, yes, I truly was relaxed. Slept well, hung out, no worries about work or traffic commuting, or being anywhere at a certain time. It’s crazy, too, when I realized how being relaxed opens up my brain. It’s like stress of work focuses it too much, like looking down a narrow hallway straight ahead, while relaxation (TRUE relaxation) broadens my perspective. All of the sudden I noticed that words come to me much easier, I’m not nearly as negative at work, looking to the good of people more than before. Less pinched-feeling overall. In the last 2 days I’ve been back to work I noticed people saying things to me that before the trip I’d be all gossipy and negative about too, but I’m less inclined to think that way now and they’ve noticed (body reading at it’s finest).

Won’t last much longer, I’m afraid. I do have a 4-day weekend coming up since I worked on Monday, which means I can extend my good mood a little longer, but alas, I’ll be back by next week. Sigh. This. This is the exact feeling and lifestyle I miss. People are nice, laid back, and considerate. I can shrug my local persona and just let my natural inclinations out. It’s a happier life with lower blood pressure overall. You just forget about it until you have it again.

Sigh. Gotta put my extra skin back on soon. Boo.

In other news, fall is coming! Or is it already here? The tree is coming down on Friday if it doesn’t storm too badly. I’m excited! When we got home the entire top of the tree was bald, and brown leaves in a massive pile on our deck. None of the other trees look like that. This one has given up. I still think it was Gable’s nitrogen poisoning causing all of it. Also why I can’t grow grass back there. Dogs…

LOVE shopping for fall décor and costumes and such. Speaking of which, gotta get moving on the costumes! Oh man, that’s another thing I miss! There are fabric places in the south!!! There is literally ONE place around here that sells fabric. Why? Because people just don’t have time for stuff like that.

You know, I read somewhere that people who are always “bored” and are always booking their lives full of events tend to have lower IQ’s, because those with higher IQ’s tend to think about things more. Not sure how accurate that is, but I do know that I hate overbooking my schedule, or booking it at all. It always amazes me when I meet people (they’re everywhere and I’m related to some) who literally can’t sit still. It’s like they’ll die if they stop moving. Those people are always wound up and have no clue how to relax. If they had to sit still in quiet for 30 minutes, they’d freak out. Anxiety. I’ve learned as I get older, how precious it is to find someone who is comfortable in their own skin and comfortable with their own spirit. Meditation is just that, isn’t it? But there’s fake mediation and there’s true meditation. Mindfulness, whatever you want to call it. Be comfortable with yourself. Believe me, I had lots of practice with that this vacation and I’ve always loved it my entire life, so I’m no stranger to it. Drove up and down all by myself with my dogs. And what is being at the beach if not relaxing mindfulness?

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Tuesday Morning

In just a few days, we will be on our way to the beach! On the day of, it will just so happen that the remnants of hurricane Harvey that devastated Texas will be hitting us, but hey. Tropical storm rain isn’t so bad. Speaking of tropical storms, we are being rained on by a tropical storm too, which meaaaaaaaaans……NO SEALING AND PAINTING. So once again, all that frustration and scrambling and people parking illegally on the street is all for naught. Walking around with the dogs this morning, I’m wondering if it’s feasible to wait until 7am tomorrow to move my car because lots of spaces open up now that school is in session and everyone is back to work.

Rainy, cool, late summer morning…a good time to be listening to Karen Carpenter. Where do I go from here? Tell me where do I go from here? You said you’d take me through the years, so where do I go from here?

…I like having a good memory, but it really is a burden when you want to forget something, except you can’t because you just don’t. A promise said, a moment of laughter, the feel, the smell, the pain, the anger, and the wonder and realization of things you purposefully overlooked.

I’m reading through some Reader’s Digests and it’s amazing to me how many times I’ve eye-rolled at the things I’m reading. Things that aren’t excessively detailed like a research article, but are stating information that, to me at least, seem like common knowledge or at least an easy inference/conclusion given the information readily available. My mom is a good example. She told me a few months ago that we shouldn’t keep things in the pantry or the fridge past the expiration dates because they can make us very sick and that she read it in Reader’s Digest. I’m like, it took READER’S DIGEST TO MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND WHEN I’VE BEEN SAYING IT FOR YEARS ON END? Every single time I would go to clean out the pantry of expired items or the refrigerator she would balk and say she doesn’t understand why I would throw out perfectly good food even though they were all on average 5 years past expiration date. Not to mention that the logic of getting rid of something well past the expiration date is very clear and reasonable, I don’t understand why you would question that. I mean…maybe because I do have a deeper understanding of why things work the way they do that I don’t question things?

I guess I do assume a lot…I tend to assume that people understand things like that because I get it. Exactly why you shouldn’t just eat expired food and what it would do to you. Why gay people are just normal people and why nature would allow homosexuality. What certain medical symptoms mean and why your body is reacting the way it is. Sometimes I try to explain my way of thinking as spherical or round. I think most people think linearly. What function of that is learned or innate, I’m not sure. It was already apparent when I was in college where my professors all stressed critical thinking and half of the classes couldn’t do it, but it was blatantly apparent when I went to hygiene school and I was literally the only one in our immunology course to pass the exam because it was 3/4 critical thinking and not just rote, spit out information. I remember the indignation of my fellow classmates and how I had to hide my test grade, but they found out anyways.

Should I stop assuming other people think like that? I tend, too, to assume that people remember as much of past events as I do. Well, I think more people should try to think spherically. I’ve tried, though, somewhat unsuccessfully with my family. I’ve had years to work on my brother and my  mom, but my mom can’t do it. She can do it for the instant I’m talking about whatever, but after that, it’s back to normal. My brother can do it, but he is heavily weakened by his overall lack of experience in pretty much all life experiences. Most of what he thinks and knows is straight information too, and on top of it he is prideful and pretty much will never admit he is wrong. And he runs away from conflict. If it’s not favorably or he finds it unpleasant, he’ll avoid it with a 100ft berth best he can. That’s not learning, though. Learning means to accept criticism and wrongness, because, well, even medicine likes to rescind information that is “common knowledge” because of new, breakthrough technology. My new biology textbook proves as much to me.

DANG Way out of time.

Tuesday Yet Again

It never fails: if it’s a work day, then all of the sudden I can’t get up. A significant difference from yesterday.

My dreams were annoying as I waited for my clock to count down the time, as usual. That low-sleep type of dream: realistic and headache-inducing. Ugh. I did, however, dream during REM sleep realistically and graphically about getting pregnant. I don’t know who the father was (it seemed to drift in an out of switching between male and female) but they were skinny and young. Very fertile to be successful on my first go at it because the next morning it became apparent that I was pregnant so I told my mom and dad who were conveniently sitting quietly at the table. I actually said to them, “Well, I’m going to tell you now since both of you are actually here together, which doesn’t happen often at all, that I’m pregnant.” My sister was really excited because then our kids would be growing up as cousins about the same age. Then I said, “I’m going to need to go shopping for toys,” and she replied that she has plenty of toys to share.

Damn biological clock.

I was thinking the other day about Failed Relationship (yes, it pops up at least once a day because it bothers me to no end that I failed something) and I wondered if it would have been different if we both were idealistic and young. The ridiculously obnoxious screaming priest said in his homily that older married couples say that they love each other so much more and deeply after all these years, more than when they were first married. Yes it makes sense because of the psychologically approved steps in romantic love that it would mature if you make it that far. That’s what got me thinking, because he had a failed marriage, himself. Besides his accusation of me always being 10 steps ahead of him in life, well, he was 10 steps ahead of me in the relationship-sense. New couples tend to be all over each other because you just can’t get enough. I watch married couples walk together and they really don’t touch that much. When I was with him, I wanted to be in skin contact all the time: holding hands, linking arms, etc, because I just loved him so much. That new, young love. I realize at some point that phase would pass because you are in such close proximity after a while you don’t need to do that. He was married for a year or two, before it went bad. I realized during the time that he didn’t like when I did that, like it was unnecessary. Maybe it was because he didn’t need that anymore. That’s why I wonder if we were both in the same boat relationship experience-wise, would it have been different? He wouldn’t have had other experiences to pull on, not like me. I dunno. Speculation is speculation. I wonder what it’d be like for me to go back into a relationship again? What would be different for me? I’m no longer a greenhorn. Maybe more bluish.

Castlevania the anime on Netflix? Really enjoyed it. They need to release more!

Some of my debts are almost gone!!!! Hallelujah! I’m so STOKED to be able to rid myself of these! That way I don’t have to worry about it anymore and dedicate those payments to SAVING MONEY. AWAAAAH!

SATURDAY

Remember the other day when I posited, what if hauntings were rifts in time/space or realm/planes of reality? After reading about Titanic hauntings the thought occurred to me: what if happens the other way around too? Maybe all these sightings of UFOs or aliens are actually rifts of time/space/realm/planes to the future? That would make a lot of sense. Stonehenge. The Mayan (or is it Incan) stone depictions. Or even people who managed to master time travel in that 4th or 5th dimension? Then some spirits are not ghosts after all perhaps…just people who managed to figure out how to navigate the planes of existence. Observers, kids who got lost, bad people. It would make sense that if you could manage to manipulate and manage the time-space continuum that there would be dangers like getting stranded or lost. Or even if they are departed souls, they ran into the same problem of poor navigation or malevolent interference or even just plain I-don’t-want-to-go.

Speaking of souls, ghosts and spirits, maybe there’s one in my room now. Have all the stresses from this year worked together to make me vulnerable and therefore more attractive to them? For the last week or so I’ve been waking up to funky smells and poor sleeping and for the last 2 days my skin crawls the entire time I’m sitting in my room. Like right now. It’s crawling really badly. Itchy, or like things keep falling on my skin, little pricks here and there. That and extremely vivid dreams. There are other explanations like allergies, the spider the other day, dust, etc.

I’m in the thralls of my monthly emotional roller coaster. For the last 2 days and already today I’ve been feeling very sad and mad together. I keep thinking of him and today I woke up instantly crying. Unbidden, and unable to stop no matter how hard I tried. I miss him, I miss him, my head kept saying, and I was so overwhelmingly sad about all of it. Such an intense feeling all of the sudden like that made me wonder if he was thinking of me too. Gable came in the demand walkies because he had to pee and he was so cute. Even while trying to snap pictures of him and smiling, the tears just kept rolling. He stomped his feet and so I sat up to touch my girl lying silently at the foot of my bed and eventually my dogs pulled me out of it, letting myself get caught up in their excitement and happiness. Of course later after walking and a shower, I open up my Facebook and it kindly reminded me in my “On This Day”  of how last year on this day, we went to the movies together to watch The Secret Lives of Pets. The bittersweet memory…just like all the memories were. I loved him and being with him and doing things with him, but he always managed to put a damper on it somehow…like never smiling in any of the pictures I took (while I was with him it was a little understandable, but I always questioned whether he was happy to be with me. Was it the picture? Did he just not want other people to know he was happy with me? Towards the end it started to become more evident that he was embarrassed to be seen with me especially to his friends…was he ever happy with me?), refusing to eat the theater food because it was “bad and makes you sick,” or not wanting to eat like at McDonald’s or something because it was “unsanitary,” or not wanting to do something new unless I did it first. He mentioned that he always felt upstaged by me, that he was jealous of what I’d been able to achieve in comparison to him, that he couldn’t tell me what to do.

It all goes back to my own insecurity, as paradoxical as it sounds, that I’m too independent and dominant and confident…so much so that other people, especially males, are intimidated by me. Imagine if I had a doctorate and therefore authority in something. Not only is my personality like that, but my physical presence and build is like that too. I’m too intense. It’s hard to dial it back, though, because it’s who I am and when I get excited, it becomes more evident.

Well, those feelings this morning only proved to me that I am not ready to jump back into the game. I’d been toying with the idea.

…the skin crawling stopped.

Gable roachie.

Idiot at work is going to give me an aneurysm someday. Really. Her ultimate revenge for my coldness.

What if…

I’m on the supernatural portion of my fact book, and today while reading I had a what-if moment. You may have read about my ideas on paranatural stuff over the years, but here’s my thought today: what if haunted places are like that because the time-space continuum has been broken there, or the planes/realms of existence have coalesced/mixed together there somehow? If they exist, but on a different plane/realm, but want badly to come into ours for power and to possibly feel alive again (for the malevolent ones the reason they cause trouble and haunt), they can try and punch through that intangible barrier. You hear of ghostly encounters where they walk the corridor, talk or act like they did when they were alive, like they are on rails: the same thing over and over and over again and the same time. That type of activity could possibly the time continuum leaking into ours.

Parallel universes…alternate planes…think about it: someone asks you make a decision, so you choose one. What if you hadn’t chosen that? What if you said yes instead of no? Life would be different, right? In another time (an alternate reality) you said yes and went out with these people or went to that place, but in this reality, you’re in the other part of the decision tree.  THE NONARY GAMES.

Gah out of time.

Uhhhhh

I just read an article about some serial killers and now I forgot what I was going to update about. Wow.

The tree out back is splitting with haste! HOA needs to hurry the heck up and approve the application before it does start to fall on the neighbor’s house.  The other side of the tree/crack is even bigger than the easy to view side!

More Gable feet. Thankfully he hasn’t had any more episodes of the dementia he exhibited earlier. Puts me at ease at night. I’ve been having fitful nights again, in part because of watermelon and having to get up to pee (had another poop dream last night…so ANNOYING) and probably in part because of heat.

A couple weeks ago there was this putrid odor in the house we attributed to a dying/dead squirrel on the roof, but that has since gone. Yesterday, however, I woke up to a similar odor or rotting flesh, but no one else could smell it. Actually for the last couple of days I wake up to my hands smelling like I just went to pick up dog poop. Less today, but I do remember waking up every so often this morning to a rotting type of smell. I wonder what it is? Of course, the Fact book I’ve been reading today was dealing with the Amityville Haunting and one of the symptoms was a foul, putrid smell that would randomly emanate from seemingly the walls. It’s fine right now, I smell nothing. And it’s not my dogs because they don’t sleep in the room with me.

A patient and I were talking about kids yesterday because he has now a 2 week old and an almost 2 year old. He was all excited talking about them ( I like when people can entertain themselves, so I just help it along. It makes the appointment less miserable for people) and I asked a few questions. Then out of the blue he asked me if I want kids. I was like, well that’s an interesting question. Isn’t that the kind of thing you talk with your friends about? But I answered truthfully. If you asked me this 5 years ago, I’d say straight up NO WAY. Now? I’m much more amenable to the idea. It’s always been about the idea of kids: that they’re people and you’re in charge of the future of persons that will grow up and go into the world. Your goal is to make them a good person. You can go into it thinking, OH I’m having kids so that someone will take care of me when I’m old, but even that is not ensured for many possible reasons and frankly, it’s a terrible reason to have kids. It’s just not good enough a reason…to be selfish like that. That’s what I told him out loud, but in my mind there were other thoughts.

Part of the reason I was suddenly leaning towards kids is that I loved someone. Truly loved him, so much so that I understood why people want to have kids together. Except that everything I felt he felt the opposite. Another thing I didn’t tell my patient was that more of a reason not to have kids or have them is genetic material. If you have some disease or insanity that runs in your family, I don’t feel like that’s something that should be spread even further down the line, since we’ve all but destroyed evolution at this point. Plus, some people just shouldn’t have kids. Just, don’t. They’re not dolls.

My respect level for him went up, though, because he quipped that what people don’t understand when you have kids is that it’s a complete lifestyle overhaul. As he said, you can’t have kids and go out to the bar like you always do. And if you do, only one who suffers is the kid. We need more people who understand the depth and gravity of the situation. Mature thoughts. He is only 2 years older than I am. It’s nice to hear that there’s hope for the world yet. Unlike OTHER patients that we have….

UGH GABLE FART

Insanity

If you’ve been following my blog at all over the years, you’ll run into my fantastical thoughts, inferences and views on paranormal, spirits, etc. Yesterday I tried to explain it to an old friend online and it’s annoying how poorly it sounds when I try to type it all out. Then again, in person is not much better…just a little bit easier because I can go faster and they can ask questions. Orrr just give me weird looks. My mom and I share these beliefs because we’ve both experienced things that just don’t make sense if you merely believe in the physical world. Even if you say you’re religious, it doesn’t encompass this sort of thought…in fact, even though Christianity and most religions contain downright “magical” or “spirit-ual” elements, most followers are loathe to believe in it. How many “Christians” condemn “magic,” when the Bible is rife with it? The Catholic Church itself deals with exorcisms…you don’t get more paranormal than that…but the priests are very hush hush about it all.

When I keep talking about the strength of mind, body and spirit, the first two are understandable by most people, but is the third? Not commonly, no, especially in our technologically advanced and “all-knowing” world. The Realm of Spirits: something science can not touch. The ghost hunters use electromagnetic tools and other gadgets to help (just watch any Ghost Hunter type show) but beyond that, how can you possibly comprehend it all? Like, why are the spirits still around? IS there a “heaven?”  Why aren’t they there? What’s this realm like? Are they locally bound, are there those that can travel? If so, how? What channels?

Think about feelings of deja vu. Not the minor ones, the major ones, that you should have no memory of because you’ve never experienced it before. Think of that instinct that a mother has for her children even at a distance, or just that inexplicable and intangible connection you have with anyone you truly love. How can science explain that, and yet no one denies it. You just don’t think about it because you can’t really explain it so you just accept it and move on. Think of that “gut feeling” you get and how it’s right the vast majority of the time. I know that one for sure. It’s almost scary how accurate it is.

To me, it all goes back to the instinct that animals have, that 6th sense, that tells them when bad weather is coming. They certainly don’t watch the news. Same with dogs and kids being able to detect ghosts that adults can not. Barometric pressure, electromagnetism, temperature changes. I don’t doubt those, but think about how they are so attuned to it, but as adults, we are not. Kids are animals in that they are attuned to nature. As we grow older the growth of the brain makes us rely on our own knowledge. Beneficial to life in general, but most of us lose that ability to read nature and our actions show it. The native Americans value that natural connection. Then again they didn’t have technology like now.

What I’m trying to get at with this is: animals sense ghosts + animals are highly attuned to nature = ghosts/spirits are natural.

I have so many other theories and such about this I could probably write an entire dissertation and be unable to support it with evidence.

Dream travel, remaining spirits, reincarnation, non-reincarnation, soulmates, perception, twins, attached spirits, malevolence vs benevolence, afterlife… I could go on and on, but I am sorely out of time.