Tonsil Stones

Sometimes I wonder wth happened last night when I wake up and see my bed a disaster. This was the case this morning. Blankets and sheets and pillows were in different locations around the room and no dogs in sight. I also felt extremely tired and rested at the same time. Usually it’s easy to wake up for me which is why I don’t need to set my alarm much anymore. It was hard to keep my eyes open for the walk this morning, a strange gooey film was messing with my eyes, and yet I feel like I slept better last night than I have for a week. Fighting something again, I’m sure. Dreams were interesting to say the least…had me running/hiding from something while trying to go about my mission.

Well. I am tired. Really tired right now. This does not bode well for work today.

Speaking of work, it was day 1 back in yesterday and I managed better than I thought I would. My coworkers asked, of course, but I just skirted the subject with my patients.

Man, I’m not someone who internalized her feelings and emotions and need to push it out of myself, but in the wake of all that’s happened this year, I need to keep some inside because otherwise I’ll break down.

I have had about 3 or so mosquito bites this year so far, and it’s hard not to get them because Liana walks slowly now. I’ve been watching her on stairs on walks and stretchies and stuff…she’s careful, very careful. Tough girl, resourceful girl. My warrior dog.

Having spent 5-6 days isolated in the house (the dogs actually stood at the window to watch me leave yesterday), throwing myself back into commuting reminds me yet again of how I have to adopt a persona in order to drive around here. At my core I am not that impatient, aggressive, easy-to-anger driver, it’s just necessary for me to be that way in order to survive up here. It’s a car cut car world in nova, if you feel or act vulnerable or nice, everyone takes advantage right away. This was the case, a good reminder, just 5 minutes into my commute, not even 2 miles from my house.

The thought occurred to me that without M now, not much is keeping me in this area. My grandparents and my mom and my job are, of course, but a new job can be found, and my grandparents eventually (thought morbid to think about) will pass away. My mom at that point isn’t held by much then except my sister (if they’ll ever move from my house…). We are not close at all to my mom’s siblings, so that won’t be a major change or significant tie here. I have no real friends here either except one, but even if she lives like 7 minutes from me I doubt we’ll see each other too terribly often. However, it’s just a thought…there are so many opportunities up here for me, for us, and honestly I do not wish to be around my dad at all. When we went back to visit, I realized that it was a life I left behind, no matter the good points, there are now new bad points, having experienced another living area.


Life is just a waiting game right now. I have no power to do anything to make it move. It’s not fair, but what do I do? The more I complain, the more drama pops up to make me less bored, so maybe it’s better to just let it be and go about other things. Not that I can because I am in a financial rut. Again. No one can help me.

Hastiness: my downfall. Impatience: my weakness. The more years I live, the more I become convinced that escaping fate, while not impossible, is extremely difficult. Maybe all those movies and games were right. The Matrix, Tales of the Abyss…those posit that fate can be averted, but given the right hero and team. For a simple soul? Fate and death. You can cheat them for a little bit, but the paths still eventually come back around to the main path.

No amount of pre-knowledge makes it easier to deal with or avert the main future.


Father’s Day…

Too bad I never had fond memories of this day. I am happy for those who had a wonderful day venerating the ones who provided half of their chromosomes, truly I am, but for me? Nah. Only memories of ungratefulness, complaining and tension.

Spent all day playing video games again, mostly because it prevents me from spending money and honestly what else do I have? I technically have the ability to do something more productive with my time, more creative, but none of that is appealing to me given my mood lately. I have ideas, but they’re just that.

On the Liana front, she was very happy today! She roached, wipey-faced, stretched a bit, and even went to tear a box! I played a tiny bit with her this morning because I was playing with Gable and she wanted to play, but remembered that she couldn’t, so I found a squirrel toy and she played a bit. I…still feel awful about what will happen after we run out of medications. She has this potentially false positivity to life again and it will be many times worse if it all goes to hell again. So tonight, I decided to try not giving her 2 of the medications. I only gave Rimadyl. We shall see what happens, though I know that it will take more than 12 hours for them to out of her system fully. Maybe she’ll be able to sleep better. If she was a human at least she would understand that after the medications things might still not ever be the same…but she’s not. She’s a dog and I can’t make her understand. I wish I could. I mean, even with the medications she’ll still forget and scream…she did that today after all those cute things she was able to do again because she stretched just wrong and cried until mama came to rub her shoulder again. I keep telling her to take it easy and be careful, but…how to make her understand. Sigh.

This biological clock won’t leave me alone. Guh. Why is it so prevalent? Probably doesn’t help when I play video games like Mass Effect…ironically in ME: Andromeda, which I am probably about 3/4 of the way through now, I messed up and turned down pretty much all instances of romance except one. The one I was trying to pursue is not interested in a relationship…I only have one prospect left. Figures. It’s just like real life. The one I want is not interested in me. Only likes me. And now I’m sorely running out of options and time. Oh well, such is the lonely life of a Pathfinder, I guess. Good friends, loyal comrades, but alone.

It’s funny, all of those who my friend and I speculated about future marriages/relationships are in relationships or marriages. Happy ones too it seems. Did I really put out an air of contentment and happiness in mine? No one seemed to have a clue the pain and drama that had been going on. It came as a shock to literally everyone. Well…I used to think that if so and so can do it, so can I. Ha. How conceited I am.

Not that anything matters…my life situation isn’t and won’t change for a little while. In fact it keeps getting more interesting and more complex. Whether I’m in or out of a relationship, nothing can really happen right now. Nothing can come of anything. Too many tie downs, no way out. I’m miserable. Just miserable.

At least I have my health and I’m alive.

Do I ever think of anything else anymore besides relationships and my dogs? When will I be happy again?  I put up a façade but inside…well. Nothing really. Haha. I’m not actually depressed. I’m not actually happy. I just feel…rather neutral in all things.

I’m stagnant. My life is stagnant. If there’s a lesson to be learned in all of this, I have no idea what it is. To make myself stronger inside? To not take things for granted? Enjoy what I have because it could easily be even worse? Not to be hasty because that’s how I cause myself stress and grief? To just go with the flow? Don’t think too hard?

HAH! How many times have people tried to tell me not to think? It’s IMPOSSIBLE. If my mind is not working or thinking I might as well be dead. Makes me wonder sometimes if my brain is normal active or more active than the normal person. Then, do people really have nothing on their minds? How is that possible? I’m pretty darn sure too that my brain activity has nothing to do with current technology…well. I’m sure that has something to do with how it is working in this moment in time, but I mean naturally. Like if you took away my phone and computer and TV and just handed me old school print materials like books, paper, pencil or musical instruments or toys. I can’t just take naps (heck my brain works hard even when I sleep. If you don’t believe me go read my dream blog), though I do enjoy a good lie on the grass outside (with bug spray on preferably). Even then my mind is occupied with relativity or coming up with questions/realizations about nature.

Sigh. I miss having a second half, someone I can share my heart with. My thoughts, worries, ideas. Not that I could do that with M, but he proved to me that I actually want a partner in crime. That I really do like having one. More sighing.


It’s memorial weekend! Buh. This would of course make me more sad because memorial day is remembering the servicemen and women. Not to mention he had been with me all weekend last year. That’s the curse of having good memory. I remember things. Most things. Things people would otherwise forget easily.

No real plans. Going to be heading down South in a little bit here for the dogs. Not sure when I’ll be back. More rain in the forecast, though, so meh. I guess I’ll get the fertilizer down finally. Only real plans are trying not to be sad.

My mom told me yesterday about her dream. She dreamed about M, said she knew it was him because of the way he was standing. He stopped an arm’s length from her, pointed, and said, “Don’t forget about me.” Then he turned and walked away into the crowd. She said it disturbed her. What I didn’t tell her is that it disturbed me too, but in a different way. You see, for the past few weeks before the breakup, I had the same dream every night, night after night. He would appear in front of me, hug or kiss me briefly, turn and disappear into the crowd. What are the odds?

I’ve gotten  progressively better, but progressively worse at the same time. I can talk about him to people now and it doesn’t faze me too much anymore, but at the same time, the more my brain has been working to convince my heart to give it up, the more I lose control. I mentioned that it’s the car and right before I fall sleep that gets me crying. Well, yesterday in the light traffic I sat in, I was really losing it. Big time. Morning and afternoon. Why does every song I own having to deal with breakups or healing have to come on when I’m in the car? How can I ever get my head and heart on the same track again?

One of my old suitors must have noticed because he’s been really moving in on me, posting things to me, etc so much more than in the past few months when I heard literally nothing from him. Maybe I emit a vibe? Coincidence? PHEROMONES. And the original suitor from California, the first one I was ever interested in with whom I have conversations with every so often, and I had a lengthy discussion on one of his rare off days from UPS. Talking about relationships and such. We connected so well we both ended up wishing what we did in the beginning: that we weren’t at opposite ends of the nation. He really is,  the type of guy I’ve always been looking for: church man, sweet, thoughtful, trusting to a fault, video game fan, overall fun guy, willing to do things, open. I know, of course, that in person is always so much different than online, but he’s got it all so far. I know my own faults and failures, and I’ll gladly tell anyone them, but it’s being able to deal with them that matters. Like each other enough that you can overcome that. Most of the time. It’s true that having low self-esteem is really one of my biggest pet peeves to deal with in a person, given that mine is so high to the point of overconfidence, but I’d at that point strive to make them confident. I’m always manipulating people anyways, what’s the difference? Give me something to do, huh?

In talking to him, though, it’s amazing, looking back on all of it, everything since I first started online dating, how much of a detriment it is to be a strong woman. Headstrong. Dominant. Independent. I feel like males still hold on to the ideal/idea that men are supposed to fill that role. I mentioned to him that I went on a first date once at an arcade where I beat the guy in pretty much everything we did and he really didn’t like that. I never flaunt my wins…honestly I don’t care whether I win or lose. I just care about having fun…but it doesn’t stop me from trying my best to win. I’ll never forget that.

People don’t like a know-it-all, but males REALLY don’t like it. I know I have the tendency to seem like I’m talking down to people and not listen to what they have to say because I have my own opinions. I noticed that at work, that tendency of mine has actually had an impact on those around me: they’re pretty opinionated now too. Much more than they were in the past. Gotta keep up, I guess, lol. I value everyone’s ideas and opinions. I don’t ever mean to demean yours even if I’m touting mine. It’s just something you have to get used to of my tendencies. More than likely it’s because I’ve accomplished life goals faster than most people, but at this point people my age have caught up or surpassed me. I’m not afraid to let you know if I don’t understand or know something. I like being taught as much as I love teaching and sharing my own knowledge. There’s virtually never just one way to go about things. I get it, I know, I understand that and I value it. People get offended around me, but please don’t. I’m just sharing my own experiences.

I just…wish I knew it more. M always tried to make me understand things, but talk about being blind in the relationship…I had my ideal there and what I wanted and didn’t stop to consider his…in stark contrast to what I just mentioned above. I can do it for other people and my friends, but I couldn’t do it for him. There are many little things I should have just stopped and given in to, or considered and agreed with him. But, I did always feel resentment in always being the one to start everything or recommend this and that. Was it one-sided because I made it that way? Did I alienate him? So this was my doing after all? Making assumptions for him without asking him first. So many things wrong. I mean there were times I wish he would just make the decision already, stop blaming me, and let’s do something original! Different! You pay for this this time. Be thoughtful of me like I’m always thinking of you! Dominating to the point where he just gave up. So many expectations he was doomed to fail from the beginning.

Then again was I wrong in wanting to be taken care of too? I can take care of, because I take care of lots of people in my life. All of my family depends on me. Did I make them that way? I make myself to be so important and significant in people’s lives that they look to me and I turn around and complain about having to take care of everyone why can’t they take care of me?

Oh man. I don’t know. I’m confusing myself now.

Well no matter what, I know that I definitively can NOT handle a long distance relationship. We can still be close, but far away if I can’t see them several times a week. Given my reliance upon reading bodies and auras and people I am 100% blind if I don’t see someone. I’m so crippled it freaks me out and then all sorts of crazy stuff like assumptions, suspicions, anxieties arise in me. One day feels like a week, and so on and so forth! I mean, you can tell from these posts alone how crazy my brain gets and fast too! Another curse of a fast-operating brain. Stupid Dark Blood obsessiveness.

I hope this all gets better soon and I can just balance. Obviously.. OBVIOUSLY I am NOT ready to jump into another relationship at all. I need to exercise more control over my very worst character flaw: impatience. The vast majority of my problems in life can be traced down to this one trait. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry to everyone affected by it. Especially M.

Depression, A glimpse

Remember when I said that I don’t really understand depression? Also, remember when I just posted about feeling numb? Well. The former is a bit of a lie. I do understand a little bit of depression. I’ve been in one several times in my life. They just weren’t the real deal, long term. I get short term depression, as do others. In my day to day life I don’t suffer from it at all, but I think I am now.

When did it sink in? Must have been this morning. The adrenaline or whatever must be starting to wear off. I’ve seen art representing depression online and on TV for the depression medications. Obviously, though, I can’t exactly remember what it’s like to go through it. I watched my brother do battle with it for years after and during the whole dad-thing. He’s very well now and so happy and well-adjusted. More than likely I’ve had it since Sunday, THE DAY, but it didn’t hit me full-force until today. Thankfully work wasn’t too bad either. Maybe the weather didn’t help? It has been raining like crazy.

It came to light on the drive to work when I realized I didn’t feel emotion. Throughout the week I’ve been aware of my extra-enthusiastic self, almost to the point of excessively so. The numbness this morning (being unable to get a rise out of myself, or bringing myself to feel something) and then zoning out/tuning out people who are talking to me (been happening all week) alongside a low-grade, continual irritation (made worse by talking and being talked to), plus having to fake being happy and “normal” to my patients like nothing is wrong (feels so awful!!) and lastly wanting to be with people while simultaneously wanting to be alone.

Then it hit me HARD that all the words I typed above reminded me exactly of M.

So. I got a glimpse? A taste? I feel it right now. I was just downstairs in the basement, having forced myself to go down to workout again, and while it felt good, I had no drive. I’d start and then it would wane. I tried to make myself angry for the punching bag, but as the punches flew, they got weaker and weaker until I just stopped and gave up.

I can see that desire to “feel something” if this is something I would have to deal with on a day to day basis. For him the only thing that could make him “feel” was being yelled at or devoting himself completely to work and that’s it because work made him feel good, or needed or something…something he could accomplish successfully.

Now that I’m typing and thinking about all of this, yes, I have felt this before. BUT. The difference for me, is that for some reason, I can get out of it. I may be feeling depression and depressed right now in this moment in time (for good reason), however, it’s not a long-term problem for me. I have figured it out. How to escape. Something/someone has paved me a surefire path. Given me a ladder. An escape rope. And not only an escape tool, but a car to continue along the “normal” and “happy” path. That was probably my childhood. My unwavering spiritual health. My circle of loved ones. My dogs. Deep within me I am happy and I seek peace. I know how to channel the negativity, I know how to “let go” and “give it up.” Even with my obsessive tendencies.

He told me not too long ago that he knows that he needs to let go and not mull on things. It doesn’t do him any good and it just makes him upset. In the past, now that I think about it, I’ve tried several times to give him advice on seeking peace. It’s not something that just happens overnight, and not just one magic thing is right for everyone. I wanted to help him find it, but it was always (here we go again) met with either loss of desire or whatever. I still strongly regret that we didn’t get to see each other more often. When I was with him, in his presence, I tried hard to absorb it for him (that’s what I do for my anxiety patients) and release calm instead. Then again, it’s one thing to give words, and it’s completely different for him to practice it. Just like at work: I can clean everything off and give you a clean slate, but it’s up to you to keep it off. Otherwise, the plaque and tartar will just keep coming back. If he didn’t and doesn’t want to, well, there’s not much I can do except remind, demonstrate, and hope this time he takes the advice. Sometimes it takes seeing a different clinician too, because one person saying something all the time just sounds like nagging.

Well. I just am very aware and knowledgeable about myself. Narcissistic and self-concerned tendencies will do that. I can tell you every single one of my flaws if you wish for me too. I know they’re there and I’m always trying to control them. I guess that self-knowing ability is why I am able to come out of it? They say that before you try to know/love others, you need to know/love yourself. Haha. I love myself, that’s for sure.

Hmmm….come to think of it, people with depression/anxiety tend to hate photos of themselves. I love photos of myself. Of everything and everyone. I just love pictures. Especially the candid kind…the ones that everyone else hates. Heck, I was taking selfies long before they were the rage.

While inconvenient, it is nice to be able to get a glimpse of what depression is like. Experiencing something is key to helping others overcome their own struggles. I don’t think that a short-term experience compares in any way to the continual battle, and it certainly does NOT make me an expert, but I think I have a taste of what it’s like.  To understand. And now I can refer back to it! Whoo!

…let’s see how long it takes for me to get out of this one.

Ah airflow

Ya got my hair cut super short again. It was really getting long too. My hair is so thick and full. Even though I am so thankful and happy that it’s lopped off, I always have to go through that worry-self-conscious-stage where people will stare and make assumptions and give me that look.

What a gorgeous looking day today! Figures that yesterday, Saturday, had to be so rainy, but I guess it is Spring after all.

At work last week I was talking to my co-worker and was proud of her ability to think, and it made me realize that what I truly value most in people is the ability to think on their own, their own thoughts. To not necessarily agree with everyone around them, to think outside that box, and not be part of the Sheeple out there, but alongside that, still have the ability to consider other viewpoints aside from their own. Moderation. Which is my creed.  One example of a good trait gone too far is one of our other co-workers who comes in randomly. She means very well, and is generous, which is consideration for others and what they like. She’ll bring in things or give you gifts even though you didn’t ask for it. However, the problem comes around that she’ll give you the same gift in excess. No matter how much you like something, too much is too much. You can’t tell her no, either, because she is easily offended and getting into an argument with her is like getting into an argument with a wall. She doesn’t want to hear it, so you’ll continue to receive vast quantities of X which you may or may not still like. THAT is consideration for others taken way too far. It stops becoming consideration too because you’re not considering that they might not want X anymore.

Come to think of it, trying to manage keeping myself in the middle of 2 extremes is quite tiring…naturally I am an extreme person, but I learned from a very young age that is not acceptable and certainly causes injury to myself and others, so I’ve adopted a safer, middle stance on things. It’s calming and relieves my and others’ anxiety (and is the key to rehabilitation of dogs or any one/situation), but after a while I start to wonder if I’m living. The rare moments when I either let the extreme out or it escapes, I feel…alive. A rush. Aaand of course that’s usually doing something risky or dangerous physically and psychologically. However, there’s too much in life riding on my health and well-being. I’ve been accused of being too intense…because I am, underneath it all. I’ve said before that I never thought I’d be alive this long. Probably had something to do with that extremism that is locked away inside me.

I’ve controlled the beast this long, what’s another half of my life?

I wonder if this is how monks feel? Of any religion. Enlightenment is all about transcending humanity. Think about it. What do monks give up for their spiritual journeys? Instinct. Biology. Urges. Buddhist monks have shown us what mind over matter means. Shinto mummification! If defying nature is core to transcendentalism, then resisting natural inclinations arguably makes one super-human, or above the common homo sapien? That’s the idea at least. Monks across the religious span give up on what? Women (or men), sex, materials, food, violence; all of which are irrefutably primal in nature: reproduction and survival. I am no way close to enlightenment (always giving into my emotions as it is) but beating down my harder to control tendencies has truly opened my eyes to this moderate, peaceful view on life. I’m not meditating much at all, but my connection to the animal world, to grass, dirt and trees, the sky and the developed ability to see the forest for the trees, my own life in comparison to the larger existence…that’s what defines me and I’ll continue to uphold that. Haha…I’m not giving up on my own primal urges, because I’m no monk….but maybe resisting myself isn’t so bad after all.

I’ve heard in the past, too, people look down on monks and consecrated life, but what’s wrong with it?

Hmm. I can see layers and layers appearing in my mind’s eye about this, but I don’t want to pursue those right now.

I was going to complain about relationship stuff, but after that thought process, I’m going to not.

So Unbelievably Sleepy

I got into bed last night around 8:30pm, read my book until about 10:10pm and went to sleep. The allergens are really out and about and I was so sleepy. Slept all night through, woke up around 6:30am (later than I usually do), couldn’t really get up. Still sleepy. Yawned through the entire walk and now I feel myself operating at snail speed. My brain is not awake and probably won’t be for a while. Ah Springtime.

This finger didn’t impeded me too terribly significantly, but it is hella annoying because flossing patients is extremely difficult and frustrating. Also work idiot is going to be here all week. wtf.

Given that we just all came off of break and still in that high, everyone was super chill yesterday despite me being progressively later and later throughout the day. I was amazingly chill too, surprisingly, driving to and from work…Let’s see how long that lasts.

Yesterday Bored Panda posted about a fitness blogger/girl/person who let her body hair grow naturally and posted about it, claiming that she was trying to spread awareness that it’s just society shaming women into shaving. Reading through the comments was very interesting, seeing all the sides of this. There was man vs. women, society vs. not, and choice. I’ve posted a couple times in the past about this because to me, why women are forced to view something so natural as disgusting is ridiculous. Your body tries hard to grow it all back for a reason because, well, we have body hair for a reason. Think about it. It IS true, however, that the society we live in doesn’t condone women with leg and armpit hair. It’s not illegal, just rather taboo.

Anyways, it was really interesting to see how vehement and nasty the men were getting about all of this, with arguments that aren’t pertaining to the subject matter (like well then it should be ok for men to bathe 2 days a week…um. That’s a different matter of hygiene and health, thank you). Those people, of course, were missing the point altogether. She was rebelling against social norms imposing that view on you, and they weren’t even considering why they feel that way, just that they do feel that way. I have to admit that while I agree with her view, I, too, have been conditioned to be repulsed by the sight, and similar to some of the commenters, I am irritated that I do feel repulsed.

Think about it.

OK Ok….

…I promise I’ll try not to be so whiny all the time. And yet…this IS my personal blog so don’t I have the right to be whiny? I realize that it doesn’t work for everyone, but for me venting makes everything better. Once it’s down on paper or typed out (paper is the best), it’s out of my mind and I can focus on something else. That’s been part of my channeling method for the vast majority of my life. When something is so massive that I can’t rid myself of it via paper writing, then it might require physical exertion or even music or the power of puppies to solve.

Anyways…something not about my life.

One thing I’ve noticed about technology is that aside from it making our lives so much more convenient and quick, is the major downside of destroying fundamental trust. Texting is so easy that we turn to it as opposed to talking despite it being extremely impersonal. Writing a blurb about my own opinions and thoughts no matter how venomous or scathing or offensive is as easy as taking a general statement, misconstruing the intent and becoming offended myself. There is no body language or tone to judge off of, so miscommunication is prevalent. That breeds mistrust. It used to be, without cellphones, that when a large group went somewhere like an amusement park or a mall, that you’d split up and meet back at a designated time. Now you don’t have to because you have your cell phone and so instead of enjoying your time, you’re worrying about the other people and call/text and without hearing a reply start to panic, when they’re probably just enjoying the rides or perusing. Even as a parent you give your child a phone and instead of trusting your kid, you track their GPS or text them in the meantime or call to ask  WHERE ARE YOU. While it affords peace of mind and overall safety, both parties spend more time stressing (on one end anxiety for safety and the other irritation of the invisible overbearing presence). Trust that your child overall is safe with so and so, that they will make good decisions hopefully, and that your parents trust you enough to let you go somewhere. On top of it all you have fake news, or jaded/conflicting reports and there yet again is mistrust (though media has probably always been jaded. It’s just more noticeable now. Then again even the internet is skewed depending on where you look). You couldn’t totally trust strangers in the low-tech past, but you certainly can trust online entities less. The king of the crop for me is that you mistrust even yourself. I trust myself less now in my knowledge (looking it up is super easy so it’s a crutch. Who needs to remember numbers or info?), I trust myself less in my lifestyle (being exposed to everyone else’s more glamourous ones), and I sometimes I trust my own ideals less. Indeed the downfall of religion can be easily attributed to the internet.

While more and instant information exists readily at the fingertips, the mere fact that it does, accomplishes the opposite of logically making everyone supremely knowledgeable and intelligent. We’ve (with me included) become accustomed to allowing the internet and phones to hold our knowledge for us so that we don’t have to…just like your body will conserve energy by relying on shortcuts or outside influences such as lip balm or drugs. Things I used to remember I have no real need to know. It’s harder to be far from the world wide web or wi-fi than close to it. What does Wi-Fi  stand for anyways? I swear I used to know. Wireless something.

Not to bash technology altogether, though. I mean, it would be rather hard to live without it. Try going a day without your phone and see what I mean. Without technology my workplace comes to a complete halt. I don’t know if I remember how to hand-chart existing restorations. Microwaves, TV, calendars, email, keyless car entry, security systems. Yowza.

If all of the sudden  technology such as internet and phones stopped working, I think the best off of the population would be the elderly and kids. The elderly because much of their lives were spent without these newfangled doohickeys and my older patients know how to sit still and wait. Kids would balk at first, but kids are so adaptable they would probably just shrug and find something to do. Quick on the uptake. I would sit there bored out of my mind again until finally buckling down and finding a person to hang out with. Without technology we’d go find each other and talk, laugh, bicker and do fun things. Instead we just sit together in front of the TV, on our own phones. When I leave one screen, I usually go to a different part of the house and jump on a different screen. Like this one. Without these screens I’m lost. My book is good but after that? It’s winter so I can’t get into the garden. I already walked my doggies, play with the doggies. I guess I could go play music, or try to draw some more, or think about project aowam for once. Or I could wallow in self pity.  I guess that’s an option too, but not a fun one.

I have no idea where I’m going with all of this. Just more brain diarrhea. :) You’re welcome.