Tuesday Yet Again

It never fails: if it’s a work day, then all of the sudden I can’t get up. A significant difference from yesterday.

My dreams were annoying as I waited for my clock to count down the time, as usual. That low-sleep type of dream: realistic and headache-inducing. Ugh. I did, however, dream during REM sleep realistically and graphically about getting pregnant. I don’t know who the father was (it seemed to drift in an out of switching between male and female) but they were skinny and young. Very fertile to be successful on my first go at it because the next morning it became apparent that I was pregnant so I told my mom and dad who were conveniently sitting quietly at the table. I actually said to them, “Well, I’m going to tell you now since both of you are actually here together, which doesn’t happen often at all, that I’m pregnant.” My sister was really excited because then our kids would be growing up as cousins about the same age. Then I said, “I’m going to need to go shopping for toys,” and she replied that she has plenty of toys to share.

Damn biological clock.

I was thinking the other day about Failed Relationship (yes, it pops up at least once a day because it bothers me to no end that I failed something) and I wondered if it would have been different if we both were idealistic and young. The ridiculously obnoxious screaming priest said in his homily that older married couples say that they love each other so much more and deeply after all these years, more than when they were first married. Yes it makes sense because of the psychologically approved steps in romantic love that it would mature if you make it that far. That’s what got me thinking, because he had a failed marriage, himself. Besides his accusation of me always being 10 steps ahead of him in life, well, he was 10 steps ahead of me in the relationship-sense. New couples tend to be all over each other because you just can’t get enough. I watch married couples walk together and they really don’t touch that much. When I was with him, I wanted to be in skin contact all the time: holding hands, linking arms, etc, because I just loved him so much. That new, young love. I realize at some point that phase would pass because you are in such close proximity after a while you don’t need to do that. He was married for a year or two, before it went bad. I realized during the time that he didn’t like when I did that, like it was unnecessary. Maybe it was because he didn’t need that anymore. That’s why I wonder if we were both in the same boat relationship experience-wise, would it have been different? He wouldn’t have had other experiences to pull on, not like me. I dunno. Speculation is speculation. I wonder what it’d be like for me to go back into a relationship again? What would be different for me? I’m no longer a greenhorn. Maybe more bluish.

Castlevania the anime on Netflix? Really enjoyed it. They need to release more!

Some of my debts are almost gone!!!! Hallelujah! I’m so STOKED to be able to rid myself of these! That way I don’t have to worry about it anymore and dedicate those payments to SAVING MONEY. AWAAAAH!

SATURDAY

Remember the other day when I posited, what if hauntings were rifts in time/space or realm/planes of reality? After reading about Titanic hauntings the thought occurred to me: what if happens the other way around too? Maybe all these sightings of UFOs or aliens are actually rifts of time/space/realm/planes to the future? That would make a lot of sense. Stonehenge. The Mayan (or is it Incan) stone depictions. Or even people who managed to master time travel in that 4th or 5th dimension? Then some spirits are not ghosts after all perhaps…just people who managed to figure out how to navigate the planes of existence. Observers, kids who got lost, bad people. It would make sense that if you could manage to manipulate and manage the time-space continuum that there would be dangers like getting stranded or lost. Or even if they are departed souls, they ran into the same problem of poor navigation or malevolent interference or even just plain I-don’t-want-to-go.

Speaking of souls, ghosts and spirits, maybe there’s one in my room now. Have all the stresses from this year worked together to make me vulnerable and therefore more attractive to them? For the last week or so I’ve been waking up to funky smells and poor sleeping and for the last 2 days my skin crawls the entire time I’m sitting in my room. Like right now. It’s crawling really badly. Itchy, or like things keep falling on my skin, little pricks here and there. That and extremely vivid dreams. There are other explanations like allergies, the spider the other day, dust, etc.

I’m in the thralls of my monthly emotional roller coaster. For the last 2 days and already today I’ve been feeling very sad and mad together. I keep thinking of him and today I woke up instantly crying. Unbidden, and unable to stop no matter how hard I tried. I miss him, I miss him, my head kept saying, and I was so overwhelmingly sad about all of it. Such an intense feeling all of the sudden like that made me wonder if he was thinking of me too. Gable came in the demand walkies because he had to pee and he was so cute. Even while trying to snap pictures of him and smiling, the tears just kept rolling. He stomped his feet and so I sat up to touch my girl lying silently at the foot of my bed and eventually my dogs pulled me out of it, letting myself get caught up in their excitement and happiness. Of course later after walking and a shower, I open up my Facebook and it kindly reminded me in my “On This Day”  of how last year on this day, we went to the movies together to watch The Secret Lives of Pets. The bittersweet memory…just like all the memories were. I loved him and being with him and doing things with him, but he always managed to put a damper on it somehow…like never smiling in any of the pictures I took (while I was with him it was a little understandable, but I always questioned whether he was happy to be with me. Was it the picture? Did he just not want other people to know he was happy with me? Towards the end it started to become more evident that he was embarrassed to be seen with me especially to his friends…was he ever happy with me?), refusing to eat the theater food because it was “bad and makes you sick,” or not wanting to eat like at McDonald’s or something because it was “unsanitary,” or not wanting to do something new unless I did it first. He mentioned that he always felt upstaged by me, that he was jealous of what I’d been able to achieve in comparison to him, that he couldn’t tell me what to do.

It all goes back to my own insecurity, as paradoxical as it sounds, that I’m too independent and dominant and confident…so much so that other people, especially males, are intimidated by me. Imagine if I had a doctorate and therefore authority in something. Not only is my personality like that, but my physical presence and build is like that too. I’m too intense. It’s hard to dial it back, though, because it’s who I am and when I get excited, it becomes more evident.

Well, those feelings this morning only proved to me that I am not ready to jump back into the game. I’d been toying with the idea.

…the skin crawling stopped.

Gable roachie.

Idiot at work is going to give me an aneurysm someday. Really. Her ultimate revenge for my coldness.

What if…

I’m on the supernatural portion of my fact book, and today while reading I had a what-if moment. You may have read about my ideas on paranatural stuff over the years, but here’s my thought today: what if haunted places are like that because the time-space continuum has been broken there, or the planes/realms of existence have coalesced/mixed together there somehow? If they exist, but on a different plane/realm, but want badly to come into ours for power and to possibly feel alive again (for the malevolent ones the reason they cause trouble and haunt), they can try and punch through that intangible barrier. You hear of ghostly encounters where they walk the corridor, talk or act like they did when they were alive, like they are on rails: the same thing over and over and over again and the same time. That type of activity could possibly the time continuum leaking into ours.

Parallel universes…alternate planes…think about it: someone asks you make a decision, so you choose one. What if you hadn’t chosen that? What if you said yes instead of no? Life would be different, right? In another time (an alternate reality) you said yes and went out with these people or went to that place, but in this reality, you’re in the other part of the decision tree.  THE NONARY GAMES.

Gah out of time.

Uhhhhh

I just read an article about some serial killers and now I forgot what I was going to update about. Wow.

The tree out back is splitting with haste! HOA needs to hurry the heck up and approve the application before it does start to fall on the neighbor’s house.  The other side of the tree/crack is even bigger than the easy to view side!

More Gable feet. Thankfully he hasn’t had any more episodes of the dementia he exhibited earlier. Puts me at ease at night. I’ve been having fitful nights again, in part because of watermelon and having to get up to pee (had another poop dream last night…so ANNOYING) and probably in part because of heat.

A couple weeks ago there was this putrid odor in the house we attributed to a dying/dead squirrel on the roof, but that has since gone. Yesterday, however, I woke up to a similar odor or rotting flesh, but no one else could smell it. Actually for the last couple of days I wake up to my hands smelling like I just went to pick up dog poop. Less today, but I do remember waking up every so often this morning to a rotting type of smell. I wonder what it is? Of course, the Fact book I’ve been reading today was dealing with the Amityville Haunting and one of the symptoms was a foul, putrid smell that would randomly emanate from seemingly the walls. It’s fine right now, I smell nothing. And it’s not my dogs because they don’t sleep in the room with me.

A patient and I were talking about kids yesterday because he has now a 2 week old and an almost 2 year old. He was all excited talking about them ( I like when people can entertain themselves, so I just help it along. It makes the appointment less miserable for people) and I asked a few questions. Then out of the blue he asked me if I want kids. I was like, well that’s an interesting question. Isn’t that the kind of thing you talk with your friends about? But I answered truthfully. If you asked me this 5 years ago, I’d say straight up NO WAY. Now? I’m much more amenable to the idea. It’s always been about the idea of kids: that they’re people and you’re in charge of the future of persons that will grow up and go into the world. Your goal is to make them a good person. You can go into it thinking, OH I’m having kids so that someone will take care of me when I’m old, but even that is not ensured for many possible reasons and frankly, it’s a terrible reason to have kids. It’s just not good enough a reason…to be selfish like that. That’s what I told him out loud, but in my mind there were other thoughts.

Part of the reason I was suddenly leaning towards kids is that I loved someone. Truly loved him, so much so that I understood why people want to have kids together. Except that everything I felt he felt the opposite. Another thing I didn’t tell my patient was that more of a reason not to have kids or have them is genetic material. If you have some disease or insanity that runs in your family, I don’t feel like that’s something that should be spread even further down the line, since we’ve all but destroyed evolution at this point. Plus, some people just shouldn’t have kids. Just, don’t. They’re not dolls.

My respect level for him went up, though, because he quipped that what people don’t understand when you have kids is that it’s a complete lifestyle overhaul. As he said, you can’t have kids and go out to the bar like you always do. And if you do, only one who suffers is the kid. We need more people who understand the depth and gravity of the situation. Mature thoughts. He is only 2 years older than I am. It’s nice to hear that there’s hope for the world yet. Unlike OTHER patients that we have….

UGH GABLE FART

Insanity

If you’ve been following my blog at all over the years, you’ll run into my fantastical thoughts, inferences and views on paranormal, spirits, etc. Yesterday I tried to explain it to an old friend online and it’s annoying how poorly it sounds when I try to type it all out. Then again, in person is not much better…just a little bit easier because I can go faster and they can ask questions. Orrr just give me weird looks. My mom and I share these beliefs because we’ve both experienced things that just don’t make sense if you merely believe in the physical world. Even if you say you’re religious, it doesn’t encompass this sort of thought…in fact, even though Christianity and most religions contain downright “magical” or “spirit-ual” elements, most followers are loathe to believe in it. How many “Christians” condemn “magic,” when the Bible is rife with it? The Catholic Church itself deals with exorcisms…you don’t get more paranormal than that…but the priests are very hush hush about it all.

When I keep talking about the strength of mind, body and spirit, the first two are understandable by most people, but is the third? Not commonly, no, especially in our technologically advanced and “all-knowing” world. The Realm of Spirits: something science can not touch. The ghost hunters use electromagnetic tools and other gadgets to help (just watch any Ghost Hunter type show) but beyond that, how can you possibly comprehend it all? Like, why are the spirits still around? IS there a “heaven?”  Why aren’t they there? What’s this realm like? Are they locally bound, are there those that can travel? If so, how? What channels?

Think about feelings of deja vu. Not the minor ones, the major ones, that you should have no memory of because you’ve never experienced it before. Think of that instinct that a mother has for her children even at a distance, or just that inexplicable and intangible connection you have with anyone you truly love. How can science explain that, and yet no one denies it. You just don’t think about it because you can’t really explain it so you just accept it and move on. Think of that “gut feeling” you get and how it’s right the vast majority of the time. I know that one for sure. It’s almost scary how accurate it is.

To me, it all goes back to the instinct that animals have, that 6th sense, that tells them when bad weather is coming. They certainly don’t watch the news. Same with dogs and kids being able to detect ghosts that adults can not. Barometric pressure, electromagnetism, temperature changes. I don’t doubt those, but think about how they are so attuned to it, but as adults, we are not. Kids are animals in that they are attuned to nature. As we grow older the growth of the brain makes us rely on our own knowledge. Beneficial to life in general, but most of us lose that ability to read nature and our actions show it. The native Americans value that natural connection. Then again they didn’t have technology like now.

What I’m trying to get at with this is: animals sense ghosts + animals are highly attuned to nature = ghosts/spirits are natural.

I have so many other theories and such about this I could probably write an entire dissertation and be unable to support it with evidence.

Dream travel, remaining spirits, reincarnation, non-reincarnation, soulmates, perception, twins, attached spirits, malevolence vs benevolence, afterlife… I could go on and on, but I am sorely out of time.

Cold Water

At least it’s summer. This almost reminds me of when we were still being held captive by my dad and were denied anything but cold or lukewarm water, except that this time I know why it is happening and something is being done to remedy the issue.

For the last several mornings, I’ve awoken to very crusted and slightly puffy eyes. You would think that it could be allergies, and it could be, but the tracks of the eye crusties could also be tears. It’s the same feeling as crying before or during sleep, so it begs the question: have I been crying in my sleep? And then, why? My dreams have all been rather enjoyable or ordinarily strange. No doubt it has something to do with me mulling over my relationship. I can’t help it because that’s how my mind works: it just can’t let go of a problem and especially perceived failure. It must dissect, analyze, review scenarios and run possibility algorithms in an effort to figure out what, how and why so that it doesn’t happen again. At the same time, I understand that no matter how much arming myself with this information might be good application for the future, situations are never the same so it could very well be a fruitless venture, serving only to remind me of pain and inhibit my healing. My heart, while also trying to go through similar reasoning, is more concerned with how and why someone can be like that; how someone can operate when they don’t even feel what they say or think they’re feeling. For a heart and soul that when making a decision will follow through with it 100%, this is foreign and impossible. He was living a lie and despite everything I kept throwing at him to help, he continued to live it until it inevitably unraveled…at my expense. AND THEN, furthermore, how can that he just forget and toss aside everything that happened as easily as paper burns? Eh. Just proof that it was all a lie. Sigh. So very painful to look back in hindsight and pinpoint every instance, every indication of the lie. Well. It wasn’t a lie for me. I am not a lie.

Today the water heater is going to be installed. Gable is busy being a brat as I try to type this up. I have no idea what he wants. One of my Facebook friends posted this article about introverts this morning. A short read. I’ve been accused of having an old soul since about 3rd grade when my teacher felt me too wise to be a 3rd grader. Then subsequent teachers told me the same thing and even my friends thereafter. It’s never bothered me because if that’s the consensus from those around, it’s probably true. She touts embracing the “old soul” in you and to not be ashamed of it no matter what society tells you is the right way to be happy. There, again, is the concept of embracing what is you and makes you true. Embrace it. Accept it. Trying to fight yourself just isn’t worth it because it’s, well, futile. Same with problems in life. No point in running away, just face it. If you don’t, then you’re not acknowledging yourself and to do that creates a void and unrest in you and your life and therefore all your dealings moving forward.

At the same time while touting this message of embrace and acceptance, I must realize that people are different. I am one way and that doesn’t mean that everyone else is like me. If everyone is like the other life would be suitably dull and people would act like they’re from A Wrinkle in Time. 

Gable is still at it…whining whining whining. WHY?? I hope he’s OK and just being annoying.

So. FULL.

I am in a food coma right now and I don’t feel like doing anythiiiiinnnnnggggg. UUUUUGHHHHHGG.

My brother said something me earlier that really made me think. He said he doesn’t like letting outside air into his car because it reminds him of my dad who would constantly pull in humid air to the house because AC is too expensive and it’s “cooling.” Similarly he hates rice because my dad always had to have rice. I told him that he’s a prisoner to his past, and realized that he’s just like M: if something is “bad” to them they completely wall it off and therefore “hate” it in an attempt to “rid” themselves of it. Like putting distance between them and the problem. Then I generalized it into males as a whole.

But. What if it’s not just a male thing and I’m being sexist, suffering from a logical fallacy? Same thing I’ve been repeating over and over: that’s running away from a problem. When I look at a problem I want to solve it, not sweep it under a rug and try to forget about it, only to trip over it the next time I walk the same path. Well. It seems to work for them…it’s annoying because to me, just because you had a bad experience in the past doesn’t make it always a fundamentally bad thing.

It’s just my style of thinking, though: that analysis, 3rd party perspective, moderate view. I try not to think of things as “good or bad” or “better or worse.” Things just…are. I feel that those are arbitrary to a person’s predicament, situation or current events. To me, there’s no real straight up anything. Well. I can’t say anything, but it’s less about black and white because most things in life are best viewed in shades of gray. Or better yet, color because there are more combinations of color than shades of gray. What may work in one instance, may not work well in another, and vice versa. Everything has strengths and weaknesses. This style of thinking is not common and certainly a gem when I do find those who share it.

Unfortunately, while it affords me a great deal of tolerance, insight and clarity of thought, it comes across as confusing, offensive, and cold…so very cold… to everyone else. My intentions are misconstrued on a regular basis. Hah. It’s funny that I say that too, because while it makes me seem very robot-ish and hesitant to take sides, I am simultaneously a very emotionally driven person with strong views. My mouth may say one thing, yet my heart may be thinking something very different. Life is full of complex contradictions, don’t you think? Strange, STRANGE person.

Either that or I’ve been playing too much Assassin’s Creed. ORRRRR MAYBE I’m drawn to Assassin’s Creed because I share the same ideas and thoughts!!!! WHAT WHAT??? Nothing is true. Everything is permitted. Altair himself acknowledged the hard-to-swallow paradox of life and their creed. Might be that’s what makes us human, these webs and intricacies of thought. So does that mean I’m more human than many of my counterparts? I’d mentioned in the past that if the difference between being a human and a beast is control of primality, then those devoted to enlightenment in the 3 pillars of being (mind, soul, body) are the true humans. Rejecting base urges for attainment of transcendence.

Eh, I don’t think I’d ever make it. Haha. I enjoy food and games too much. My mastery of the body is weak! My soul is stable but not powerful. My mind is always begging to work and think and wander. These days it doesn’t do much working, though.   Looks like I’m in the mid-upper echelon of enlightenment?

Sigh. I guess this means finding a life mate is going to be quite an arduous journey indeed. Who can possibly understand and feed this mind of mine? My family surely doesn’t get it.

Ugh. Still full. And now sleepy. In other news, I finished Assassin’s Creed II in 5 days! I don’t know whether to be proud or sad. One of my previous suitors whom I still randomly keep in touch which has been messaging me a lot and I’m reminded of why I didn’t choose him. I like video games quite a bit and food too, but doggone! He takes it to the max. Definitely not. I like him for sure as a friend but there is a reason he’s almost 40 and still single. Fun to talk to and man do I need friends right now.