Mashed Potato Brains

I had a patient today that I used to see and hadn’t in a little while. He’s a physician for Kaiser and he always talks — a lot — what was different this time wasn’t him so much as me: my brains are full of mashed potatoes. He, as usual, was talking about intelligent things. As a physician he’s always interested in conditions and such and will work through in his brain out loud and I would contribute with my own brand of intelligence to keep up. However. I couldn’t. I couldn’t come up with the words, the proper names, the medical terminology. I’d mentioned in the past that since I don’t use that kind of information anymore, in dealing with patients (basically I dumb down the words so that people can understand me), I don’t need it and my brain doesn’t think like that anymore. It can be extracted, but that takes effort to find and dust off the cover. I simply cannot believe how far gone it is. Stuff that I’d always been on top of, quick off the top of my head, information, terminology, intelligent conversation, even things like spelling, are gone, poof, into hiding. Even looking back at old posts from college when my brain was top notch and most powerful, I can’t believe how my recent posts pale in comparison in spelling, grammar, accuracy, vocabulary, flow…. And content! Good gravy the content is drivel and inconsequential.

Amazing how little time it takes. You would never know, if you talked to me, that I was always academically inclined. Top of all my classes. Great student. Peers would either respect my prowess, compete, or be jealous. True, I may not have pursued a degree equal to my capability, but that’s by choice and partly by necessity. Now I’ve become what everyone has always assumed of me: an average person with an average job and average intelligence. Not to say that’s a bad thing, not at all, and not to say, either, that I have a powerful need for people to respect me (in fact, I’ve always preferred for others to think I am less than I am), but it does bother me sometimes. Then I sit and wonder what would make me feel validated, then, and how nothing would and why the heck does it even matter on the whole, anyways?

Earlier, I was just pondering about how futile life really is. How inconsequential our lives are when you consider it all. People strive constantly to make a splash, to have a family, to aspire to great things…what’s the point of it all? I get to watch as the kids in my practice grow up and start their own lives. I watch my older patients grow even older and eventually die. Even seemingly healthy patients, happy with life, job, kids just suddenly pass away. I listen and observe as my co-workers and peers rush to get married and have kids before we grow older, ourselves. My mom and grandparents slow down and experience health concerns. Family, patients, friends and myself, all asking me if I’m planning to go higher, to attain higher status. We are currently in December, and yet another year is coming to an end. It’s like it’s all occurring around me and I’m just here watching it all play out like a spectator. My own time and life are slipping away from me. If I were to die tomorrow, people will grieve, but their lives continue and they move on. Is all I’ve done, then for naught? My one little path in the infinite web of life, crisscrossing, meshing, destroying, straying, inspiring other paths of the web…cut abruptly. There are too many other lines to really care about little old me.

Many times I’ve thought about why we are driven to have children and continue that cycle of life. Force them into this world, whether they like it or not. That in and of itself is selfish as it is. We continue the cycle of life, but to what end? There’s no end goal, no finish line that we’re aspiring too, at least that I’m aware of. Why are we and animals and life in general so obsessed with continuation of life? Ha. Maybe I don’t want to know. Maybe, there really IS and finish line and an end game and our evolution over the years is to produce the end product or some specific need. We fear death because we do not understand and do not know what it holds, and yet we live and fight to stay alive even though we neither understand why nor know what the future holds. Life is therefore just like death with the minor exception that we’re, well, alive.

Deep stuff. In the meantime, I’m super sleepy and tired. And I got my Christmas cards in the mail! Also, my left ear really hurts.

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I’m all alone, there’s no one here beside me

…literally.

I am home…alone! No dogs either, just me. The people, I’m not concerned about, but the dogs…if I didn’t have the dog beds and dog toys lying around, I’d be okay, but empty dog beds are very depressing. I miss their furry little bodies there. Especially Gable. So what did I do? Flop on the couch. Turn on the TV. Pick up the phone. Forced myself off the couch in search of foods which I’d already planned and bought at work. Heated it up, ate a little and then threw it all away because DAMN it smelled like seafood. Guh. Waste of money. Instead, I ate Green Giant niblet corn, rainbow sherbet, and deli meat. Woohoo! More phone excitement while trying to stay awake, some messenger conversation, made myself stay up until 9:30, checked all the door, inserted the 3 set of whitening trays and here I am. This house is pretty big for one person. I could do it though.

Realllllllyyyy glad I refused to drive down tonight, because driving home from work was bad enough…and I even left early. I kept nodding off and had to break out the chocolate in a valiant effort to keep myself awake. That and getting mad at people…it works, you know? A moderate mad, like frustration and focus. Even then I couldn’t keep it up…geez. Lack of sleep really does that. I’ll sleep after this and then get up early tomorrow to go down in an effort to beat all the traffic. Dunno what I’m gonna do down there while everyone sleeps, but there you go. Another reason I don’t want to be down there.

My coworker was telling me how her boyfriend was getting a new car again. He leases cars so he keeps getting new ones as the leases are up, but he’s always choosing cars that I, myself, find annoying. Normally, I could care less because why should I? It has no bearing on me. The car he has now is a BMW something or another. Now he has a WRX. And for whatever reason he’s always insisting my coworker drive them. BMW and WRX are completely different cars. He also insists on manual, which for someone like him who works from home is fine, but around here a manual car is just ridiculous. Bottom line is that when she told me about it, the news made me irrationally angry and annoyed. I think she noticed. Why? A couple reasons: one, I’m PMSing which means everything makes me overreact. Two, I hate unsettled people and on top of unsettled people, I hate impractical people. To me, especially, in a mate (in this case, my co-worker who wants to spend her life with this guy), someone like this who likes thrill things like new cars, fast cars, expensive things for cars, always changing up cars, is not settle-down material. Rational thinking tells me that whatever, he doesn’t even have to pay for a house right now, so he’s entitled to enjoying his money, but my brain (the same one that gets and has gotten me in trouble relationship-wise) says red alert, flag time. Third, this is the exact same problem I had with ex. Why in the world I keep looking for hidden messages in people’s actions based around cars, but why the HELL do these men (even my brother) care so much about these stupid cars. I know a bit about cars myself, but after thinking about things in the way I do, they are, in the end, a mode of transport. Why people place such importance on them is beyond me, whether it be status, or performance. I mean, status? Performance? Pfft. I’d rather spend it one something else than worry about scuffs on my super expensive car that I don’t ever and will never be able to use to the fullest extent of its performance power because that would be driving-with-intent-to-kill. Why? Because they have nothing else to worry about. Not my brother, not my co-worker’s boyfriend, and not my ex (at least of what I knew of him). None of them own a house or have much other responsibility.

I guess I ascribe it to irresponsibility. That must be why I get upset. With ex-M his ultimate decision to choose that old WRX over something more practical especially for his line of work or even a newer one (he had used to have that same model and year and basically regretted selling it and wanted it again, even boasting to me that the prior owner was facing pressure to sell it from his wife because of their kids…something he criticized about females) was the nail in the coffin for me. It was impractical, and old, meaning more money and work being thrown into it. Manual which is, as I said, terrible for sitting in traffic in this area, and it was a solid signal from him that he was not interested in the least about a future or a family or anything. That’s not meant to be a passenger car. I tried to be supportive as it would be a project for him again…I mean, just because I don’t like something doesn’t mean you have to dislike it too…but the attention, the care, that he gave the vehicle, the non-living hunk of metal, was so lacking in our relationship between people. He cared more for that non-human than he cared for anything that breathed air: me, animals, his patients, his own family. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand for that again after growing up with my dad. Then again, in retrospect, I guess I was attracted to him because he was just like my dad in so many ways. Stupid Freud.

I. Can’t. Stand. Irresponsibility. Immaturity. Which means I’m out of luck because that is apparently the definition of being male.

Then again, it might all be just my own jealousy thrown in there too. Nah. That might be part of it, but that’s not only it. My co-worker really seems to adore her bf and he seems to adore her too, but I’m afraid she just wants too much for things to work. I disagree with some of the things he thinks and believes in. I’ve never talked to him much, but I have some reservations when I see him and send my feelers out. There’s…something. It feels similar to my brother in law. Bah. I need to get over myself. It’s not my life, and I need to stop being so negative about people I don’t know well. It’s just that I care tremendously about what happens to the people I love.

This is exactly why it’s so hard for me to find someone. I’m too complex, too intricate, too…much. Too intense, too many expectations, too stubborn, too…liberal? too thinky. Is there someone out there whose brain is as encompassing as mine? It’s a different way of thinking, broader, intuitive and yet emotional with silly thrown in there for fun. People get offended sometimes and even others don’t understand it. I’m not your common girl. Really. Truly. An emotional robot, if you will. I don’t think I will, because all of those guys are taken. Oh well. Dogs forever!

I think it right that I threw that food away. I swear there’s shrimp in there somewhere. I’m itchy all over now.

Working today

Both WordPress, and me physically going to work, I mean.

Man I don’t want to go in. I stayed up until like 1am because I apparently am all excited about Thanksgiving. I don’t get excited anymore…or maybe I do, but I block it out of my consciousness? Well, the result is that I am super sleepy still. Almost didn’t get up. I hope it doesn’t effect my driving too much. I have tons of kids today too. Guh.

Remember when I kept saying how convinced I was that I had a twin that died before I was born? My mom and I were discussing that again last night. She shed a little more insight on it. She said that she clearly remembered being on the table and that after I was born, the doctor was standing there (he was a small man), and suddenly rushed over and held out his hands to catch a big thing that came out. My mom had always thought it was just the after-birth/placenta, but she remembered that he held his hands about a foot apart and mouth agape. That’s when she went cold from the feet up and they called a code blue because she probably died for a bit. She then recounted that the nurse told her that in the years she worked as a nurse doing that, she had never seen a doctor bring flowers to a mom before. Remember they never told her what happened when she asked, just the nurse there looked at the chart and shook her head sadly before walking away. All the clues point to the same conclusion. Not to mention that mention of a possible second heartbeat at around (as my mom estimates) 3 months. In between 3 and 6 months, is probably when my twin died. And both my mom and I agree that it was a boy. I am absolutely certain it was not another girl. She feels similarly. Maybe that explains why I kept moving around in the womb so much (to get away from zombie sibling?) and why I screamed so earsplittingly loudly as soon as my head was out of the birth canal. I’ve always felt like there was something or someone missing in this world. Just like I like twins because I always felt some sort of a connection to them. My mom said she has to think about whether or not she wants to give a name to my dead brother.

Bluh

So after talking to Gamer Guy last night, I realized I was being a jerk to him. These darn online interactions again. Apparently at this point in time all I want to do is push people away from me. I’ve been doing it all around, so it’s not just him. For him, I just wanted to paint for him a different light of me. My ex thought the same thing about me in the beginning too, as GG was telling me what he thought of me last night: that I was just simply a really nice person. So I had to laugh and break it to him that, no, I really am not that nice of a person, actually. Not only that, but I have these crazy quirks, like, insane. Weird. Strange. Out of this world. Funky ideas that make people go “????” and I’m apparently in love with myself, though it’s more accurate to describe me as just “I-know-myself-very-very-well.” When EX found out that , in fact, I’m not all that nicey-nicey, I think he had to rethink his view of me.

You know, come to think of it, I’ve asked several times of different people, if they ever noticed my true feelings about things; For instance, back when Adrienne (God rest her soul) was harassing me at work for 3-6 months and now with Idiot at work, I asked around if anyone ever noticed the sour relationships, but nope, they never could. Sometimes my boss thinks I’m realllllly upset at her when I was merely irritated and got over it a long time ago. Maybe I’m hard to read? Or I’ve mastered the art of putting on a face? EX all the way through to the end and even after (which triggered my on-going resentment of him) had this weird persona that he made up for me that is nothing at all like the real me…I’ve been thinking that he was just crazy in his own made-up world, but maybe that’s not it! Maybe….maybe what think I’m projecting to the world is completely different than what everyone else is seeing?

Is it falsified idealism on everyone else’s part, where they want so bad for me to be this benevolent Goddess-like saint, or is it that my acting is just good? Too good?

I like to think that I project my true emotions most of the time…if I don’t like someone, good gravy, they know it. It’s true that I have to be professional for my patients no matter what strong emotions are roiling inside of my soul pit…is it…too much?

The only people that know me for realz are my family (constantly accusing me of having split personality) and more and more, my close coworkers…though my one coworker thinks that I’m this dog guru which I’m not…really. I’m not. These are my first dogs. I’ve worked with others, but these are the only ones I’ve ever owned. Once again, is it just my ability to sway and persuade people?

I FEEL LIKE A CHARLATAN.

Also, maybe I have a fear of social situations. I’m always brushing off social interaction invitations when deep inside I want to. It’s stressful for some reason. I know I’ll have a good time if I go, but  it’s….scary for lack of a better word.

I’m late now.

 

Depressing

I was just chatting with one of my long term suitors turned friend/suitor. Man. I really am still not ready to get back into the game. It’s really very depressing. He’s a nice guy and I’m still not interested in him in that way. I swear I’m too cynical, too narcissistic, too stubborn to be able do it again. And now, I’m even more jaded.

On top of it, my body wants nothing to do with working out. It’s only been a few days geez. Instead of being cooperative, my body and muscles just turn into rubber and want to sit there.

I dunno. I don’t have a positive view of myself anymore. It’s like I’m simply existing now. No real future in the near horizon. Prospects are there but every time each foothold is reached, the fog obscures the next one.

What am I doing it all for? Why am I alive? I feel like a mere shell of my former self. Nothing excites me anymore.

Still waiting. Just watching. Like a gargoyle.

Vacation High

Monday and yesterday had me on my vacation high. Nothing fazes me during that time and things just roll off my back. Started coming down on the commute home yesterday when I finally got mad at someone. It’s amazing how every single time I forget about what it’s like to come back to driving up here. Especially during the school year. Everyone’s crazy, terrible, inconsiderate. I was trying to walk into the grocery store, mindful that around here instead of waiting for you, it’s everyone for themselves and they try to “beat” you so they don’t have to wait which translates to 10 points for running that pedestrian down just so that you can later see them in the store, so I stop and wait as 2 cars come barreling from either direction. They both end up stopping for me, but one so close into the crosswalk and impatiently waving me along. Might as well have just gone. They can’t even be patient, patiently. Defeats the purpose of doing a courtesy when it’s begrudgingly. It just puts into perspective how much stress it is to live around here; little stresses, but it’s constant. It turns you into an insensitive jerk too, because you have to be to survive, even if it’s not your nature.

Maybe that’s why I ate so much on the trip. LOL. I was relaxed. And, yes, I truly was relaxed. Slept well, hung out, no worries about work or traffic commuting, or being anywhere at a certain time. It’s crazy, too, when I realized how being relaxed opens up my brain. It’s like stress of work focuses it too much, like looking down a narrow hallway straight ahead, while relaxation (TRUE relaxation) broadens my perspective. All of the sudden I noticed that words come to me much easier, I’m not nearly as negative at work, looking to the good of people more than before. Less pinched-feeling overall. In the last 2 days I’ve been back to work I noticed people saying things to me that before the trip I’d be all gossipy and negative about too, but I’m less inclined to think that way now and they’ve noticed (body reading at it’s finest).

Won’t last much longer, I’m afraid. I do have a 4-day weekend coming up since I worked on Monday, which means I can extend my good mood a little longer, but alas, I’ll be back by next week. Sigh. This. This is the exact feeling and lifestyle I miss. People are nice, laid back, and considerate. I can shrug my local persona and just let my natural inclinations out. It’s a happier life with lower blood pressure overall. You just forget about it until you have it again.

Sigh. Gotta put my extra skin back on soon. Boo.

In other news, fall is coming! Or is it already here? The tree is coming down on Friday if it doesn’t storm too badly. I’m excited! When we got home the entire top of the tree was bald, and brown leaves in a massive pile on our deck. None of the other trees look like that. This one has given up. I still think it was Gable’s nitrogen poisoning causing all of it. Also why I can’t grow grass back there. Dogs…

LOVE shopping for fall décor and costumes and such. Speaking of which, gotta get moving on the costumes! Oh man, that’s another thing I miss! There are fabric places in the south!!! There is literally ONE place around here that sells fabric. Why? Because people just don’t have time for stuff like that.

You know, I read somewhere that people who are always “bored” and are always booking their lives full of events tend to have lower IQ’s, because those with higher IQ’s tend to think about things more. Not sure how accurate that is, but I do know that I hate overbooking my schedule, or booking it at all. It always amazes me when I meet people (they’re everywhere and I’m related to some) who literally can’t sit still. It’s like they’ll die if they stop moving. Those people are always wound up and have no clue how to relax. If they had to sit still in quiet for 30 minutes, they’d freak out. Anxiety. I’ve learned as I get older, how precious it is to find someone who is comfortable in their own skin and comfortable with their own spirit. Meditation is just that, isn’t it? But there’s fake mediation and there’s true meditation. Mindfulness, whatever you want to call it. Be comfortable with yourself. Believe me, I had lots of practice with that this vacation and I’ve always loved it my entire life, so I’m no stranger to it. Drove up and down all by myself with my dogs. And what is being at the beach if not relaxing mindfulness?

Tuesday Morning

In just a few days, we will be on our way to the beach! On the day of, it will just so happen that the remnants of hurricane Harvey that devastated Texas will be hitting us, but hey. Tropical storm rain isn’t so bad. Speaking of tropical storms, we are being rained on by a tropical storm too, which meaaaaaaaaans……NO SEALING AND PAINTING. So once again, all that frustration and scrambling and people parking illegally on the street is all for naught. Walking around with the dogs this morning, I’m wondering if it’s feasible to wait until 7am tomorrow to move my car because lots of spaces open up now that school is in session and everyone is back to work.

Rainy, cool, late summer morning…a good time to be listening to Karen Carpenter. Where do I go from here? Tell me where do I go from here? You said you’d take me through the years, so where do I go from here?

…I like having a good memory, but it really is a burden when you want to forget something, except you can’t because you just don’t. A promise said, a moment of laughter, the feel, the smell, the pain, the anger, and the wonder and realization of things you purposefully overlooked.

I’m reading through some Reader’s Digests and it’s amazing to me how many times I’ve eye-rolled at the things I’m reading. Things that aren’t excessively detailed like a research article, but are stating information that, to me at least, seem like common knowledge or at least an easy inference/conclusion given the information readily available. My mom is a good example. She told me a few months ago that we shouldn’t keep things in the pantry or the fridge past the expiration dates because they can make us very sick and that she read it in Reader’s Digest. I’m like, it took READER’S DIGEST TO MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND WHEN I’VE BEEN SAYING IT FOR YEARS ON END? Every single time I would go to clean out the pantry of expired items or the refrigerator she would balk and say she doesn’t understand why I would throw out perfectly good food even though they were all on average 5 years past expiration date. Not to mention that the logic of getting rid of something well past the expiration date is very clear and reasonable, I don’t understand why you would question that. I mean…maybe because I do have a deeper understanding of why things work the way they do that I don’t question things?

I guess I do assume a lot…I tend to assume that people understand things like that because I get it. Exactly why you shouldn’t just eat expired food and what it would do to you. Why gay people are just normal people and why nature would allow homosexuality. What certain medical symptoms mean and why your body is reacting the way it is. Sometimes I try to explain my way of thinking as spherical or round. I think most people think linearly. What function of that is learned or innate, I’m not sure. It was already apparent when I was in college where my professors all stressed critical thinking and half of the classes couldn’t do it, but it was blatantly apparent when I went to hygiene school and I was literally the only one in our immunology course to pass the exam because it was 3/4 critical thinking and not just rote, spit out information. I remember the indignation of my fellow classmates and how I had to hide my test grade, but they found out anyways.

Should I stop assuming other people think like that? I tend, too, to assume that people remember as much of past events as I do. Well, I think more people should try to think spherically. I’ve tried, though, somewhat unsuccessfully with my family. I’ve had years to work on my brother and my  mom, but my mom can’t do it. She can do it for the instant I’m talking about whatever, but after that, it’s back to normal. My brother can do it, but he is heavily weakened by his overall lack of experience in pretty much all life experiences. Most of what he thinks and knows is straight information too, and on top of it he is prideful and pretty much will never admit he is wrong. And he runs away from conflict. If it’s not favorably or he finds it unpleasant, he’ll avoid it with a 100ft berth best he can. That’s not learning, though. Learning means to accept criticism and wrongness, because, well, even medicine likes to rescind information that is “common knowledge” because of new, breakthrough technology. My new biology textbook proves as much to me.

DANG Way out of time.