And I missed it. My mom took pictures, though, which helped. She said it was really quite awesome how they did it. Still wish I’d been able to see it. The dogs apparently had no clue what was going on and finally when Liana figured it out, she was standing at the door alert, muscles contracted and wanted to bark. Haha. She’s so cute. The stumps are still there and we haven’t paid them yet (I went out and counted: 12 rings) so it’s not over yet. I am sad at my view and lack of shade now, though I’m glad given the threat of it falling onto the neighbor’s and our house, plus the damage the squirrels have caused using it as a highway to the roofs. How am I supposed to feed the birdies now? I guess I can be like a few houses down and do the ones that connect to the deck, even if we’re technically not supposed to according to the HOA.
My mom had to go to the NIH last week because her eyes are so bad and untreatable with conventional treatments. Heredity is the reason for it, and so they’ll do experimental genome therapy. Better than nothing. Apparently the doctor said that if her other eye starts doing the same thing, he’ll take away her driving privileges. It’s that bad. She said she plans on not driving anymore after so many years and I’m like, what??? I mean, I understand the medical concerns, but then what? Who’s going to drive her around? Every time I say I’m going to buy a house a move out into it, she gets upset and says things like, you can’t leave with Gable still alive. She gets like that every time I say I’m going to stop living with her. What do you want me to do, mom? Be your caretaker forever? If you want me to start a family or do anything normal, I have to leave. I WANT to leave. This is exactly why I kept telling her to find someone. Someone who can love and take care of her. At this rate, how can she take care of my grandparents? I toyed with the idea of just using the money from selling my house to just pool into a larger home, but that’s not the point. I don’t want to be held down forever. I WANT to be able to live on my own and not be accountable to anything. Why is it that I have been unable to procure my own freedom my entire 3 decades on this earth? In the USA?
I keep blaming my housing situation as part of the reason my relationship failed even though I know that really it just wouldn’t ever work out, because I do believe it’s true. I’ve refused to even entertain the thought of looking again until I next year when I’m supposed to be selling my house because I need my own place to do that. I’m still keeping up with real estate in the hopes something affordable will come by. They do. I’m just not free to make that move. It’s part selfish, but how can you hold me to this? I care tremendously for my mom, of course, but when am I supposed to be able to live life as I want it? To have my house as I want it set up. Not with my mom, not with my brother tagging along, not all set up so that my sister can benefit from it. What is my destiny? To be a crutch for everyone?
Rant rant rant.