Category: life


Finally. I thought it was Friday since Wednesday. Never a good sign. Traffic has been terrible all week long. It’s the super slow grandmas mixed with the impatient work commuters and added roadwork on top of it all. Perfect recipe for disasters and car wrecks. Thank Goodness coming home yesterday was a relative breeze. Man. That’s the only reason I like summer around here. Because of the low traffic, I decided to stop by Giant to pick up some tomatoes and managed to run into my friend! Small world. Well, she lives less than 10 minutes down the road from me, but still. Nice to see her for a little even if I was in a hurry to get home to my pups. How come whenever I see people after they’re married they always look so much older? The burden of commitment? Soul-binding contract?

So then I continue on my way and a bag of shredded lettuce falls down. I decide it’s fate and that I was going to have tacos. I do NOT recommend the super stuffer shells from Old El Paso by the way (I’ve been eating their crispy shells for years). They are just way too thick to enjoy. I’m disappointed. It ends up working really well because Liana actually ate all of her food. I guess they’re old and like the burn of spice. Not too spicy, though, as I’ve learned.

After watching that 600lb show yesterday I was super gung ho about working out last night. I’ve been extremely lazy about doing a proper workout for about a month now, so last night was a light version of what I’d been doing. Oh. My. Gosh. I am horribly out of shape in the endurance department–both muscle and cardiovascular-wise. Strength was even bad last night. Sometimes that happens to me, where I feel like I’m not getting enough oxygen to my muscles and they’re fatigued. Need to open up those vessels again. I keep inflating and deflating, even apart from workouts. Right now I fit in my clothes again, and then soon I won’t. And it repeats.

I’m sad that I’m too poor to even buy games on sale. The list keeps growing, but I’ve been holding back to help salvage my finances. It’s been said before by me: I keep feeling like I’m holding back in so many aspects of my life–like I’m fettered. Handicapped and forced to rein in my true potential. It’s always been like that and with money to blame. The only time I didn’t hold it back, it didn’t go well and that ended up a pile of spent ashes. In light of the recent deaths in my life, it’s just not a good way to have to live. Imagine if I had to die tomorrow. There isn’t too much I’d regret, but…well…maybe in death I can finally unfurl these wings and let loose. hah! Maybe there’s a reason why I can’t! It would be too intense for this world! Hahahaha! I’ve certainly been accused of being way too intense before. People can’t handle what I truly am, so I hold back as to not scare everyone I care about.

Hmm. Maybe even I don’t know what it would be like to break forth from the chains of control in all aspects of my life. Anger and Love I’ve seen at their close to full extent. Huh. I wonder what kind of wings I have? Demon? Angel? Bird???? METAL????



I don’t know why but pimples are popping up all over the place on me at the wrong time of the month! I assume it has something to do with the heat, but still annoying.

Another gorgeous looking day today. The dogs didn’t want to end the walk today, and Liana is back on food strike after 2 glorious weeks of both dogs being wonderful! Sigh.

Yesterday felt like a Friday and I am rather upset that today is Thursday. I was so spoiled having been Idiot free for 2 whole weeks, that yesterday was a stark reminder of it. I was being so positive too! Ugh.

I watched some 600 lb. Life episodes yesterday, followed by Dr. Pimple Popper on TLC and first off, was reminded why I don’t enjoy watching shows on TLC (among other channels…ie they are forced to “cause drama” and look a certain way) and secondly, how much I enjoy biology stuff in general.

Also, I went to weigh myself afterwards and now I’m depressed. I’m at an all-time high on weight, even though I feel good. I know my belly and thighs could use some slimming down, moreso my belly, but I’m feeling good right now. I can run up the stairs without feeling my legs burn and cramp and I feel stronger than I’ve ever felt. The only problem I’m running to right now is a lower back pain that I’ve found is from lying on the couch for too long. I feel the drive to go do something, but I feel stuck again given that my dogs are too old to do any trail walk longer than 30 minutes. I’ve given some more thought to joining a gym, but I really don’t need any more bills at this point. The debt just keeps piling up and I can’t seem to make a dent in it before vet bills, HOA fees, car stuff, etc pop up again to take its place. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been trying hard for the majority of the year to not spend money but that means that I literally sit inside the house and do nothing. It’s been driving me insane. And the reality of it is that I have to spend money because the major source of my financial void is my house that I don’t live in and have spent at most 3-6 months in over the 5 years I’ve owned it. It’s impossible to make headway into selling it with the weather getting in my way. What’s more important? Doing the fence or my health in 90+ heat? Not to mention, like the bills, the weeds just keep coming back. And anytime I have time off to go get stuff done, other things happen and I don’t have the opportunity to do it. Just like the next break coming up. I can’t pay to go on vacation. The cherry on top of it all is that my brother is basically living in the house. First, my sister, then my brother. What will he do when I no longer have it? Obviously living at home is driving him crazy, but he doesn’t want to take the next step? Then, even after I sell it, I’ve told my mom that I will buy her a new car before she no longer is able to drive, but the more I look at the numbers the more pressure I feel about not spending so much money on that. Sellers pay both realtors. Then I have the lapse in taxes to deal with and trying to buy in a more expensive market. It’s quite a burden!

I want so badly to be in my own place, and it’s so disheartening to know that fate has other plans for you. Yes, I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others, but can’t help it. Those my age are all living their lives right now. They’ve been on their own for years, gotten married, had kids. I’ve been stuck basically caring for my family and I don’t see that changing in the future. How did I land this burden? Will I be able to live my life? It’s so tangled up in my family. People give me “advice” to travel while I’m young, to forget my family and go do things I want, but I can’t. It’s just not so easy, you know? And who the hell will I travel with, hmm? Whom? Who will take care of my dogs? There is no one reliable enough to do it. It’s so depressing to think about, I pretend there isn’t a problem.

Ha ha ha…

One of my co-workers is getting married tomorrow, so she only worked a half day and is off of work today too. A few of us got together to give her a gift and a card. I was super proud of myself for coming up with a small poem on the fly and was excited to give it to her. She was reading it and then looked confused and it took me until this morning to realize exactly why she was confused. Here is what it said (roughly):

I wish you love,
I say congrats,
Like a glove,
Like nice hats,
You fit like glue
No longer one but two.

While the last line could use some work, I used pen and could not change it on the fly, so I just went with it and was proud. This morning it occurred to me that the last line not only didn’t match the others, but implied they were splitting up. OMG. I think she knew what I meant, that she was no longer alone but together, but good grief!! Face palm, face palm, face palm!!

So of course as I’m thinking about this in the shower, I’m trying to come up with different iterations of it to make it better.

I wish you love,
I say congrats!
Like a glove,
Like nice hats,
You fit, you do!
Woohoo, you two!!


I wish you love,
I say congrats,
Like a glove,
Like nice hats,
You fit oh-so rightly
May your union shine brightly

I guess maybe I should’ve invested more time into it. Thankfully, she gets what I meant to say, I think. This brain of mine is ridiculous sometimes the way it thinks. So weird!!


It’s FRIDAY Y’ALL! I can’t wait to sleep in tomorrow. I never sleep in, really, but I feel so awful tired this week…it’s probably the allergies, but I can’t help but think that I’ve come down with something that’s made me so unbelievably sleepy.

Really happy to be able to have 2 days where I come home and it’s just me and the dogs. They were both being really clingy yesterday which worries me. They’re both fine today, though.

My smutty short story that I’ve revisited after these years is still coming along. I can’t decide on the ending (still!) so currently, I’m working through revisions and editing the flow. The trick is to do something else and come back to it later. The latest short story from the prompt book has to do with zombies and I have this whole brain workup about zombies. No time today to run through the brainstorm on that, but hopefully in the future!

So Sleepy

Well here I am, back again at my grandparents’ house for yet another round with the cable company! Whoohoo! Not. This has been a disaster from the beginning of what theoretically was a great idea. It still is a good idea, but man the inconvenience is tremendous! I was thinking it was a plug and play kind of deal with few worries, but good gracious how many times must I wrangle this beast? Ah well. I dearly hope this is the fix we’ve been waiting so patiently for.

It seems like nothing this year is going to happen successfully without some elbow grease and sweat.

Speaking of sweat, I was finally able to be home sweet home for 3 days and 2 nights, and my gracious it was HOTTTTT. With all those t’s. Not just the weather which was dangerously hot (like, I was picking 3 crabgrass from my overgrown yard and sweat poured like rain from my head, hot) but the house just could not cool down. I had never had that issue with that house before. I chalked it up to the horrible heat, but I’m terrified that the system is going to be shot. In the 5 years I’ve owned the place I’ve not once had a service technician come out to take a look at it. Honestly, I was hoping I wouldn’t have to before I sold the place, but that’s just mean-spirited and I know better than that. Sigh. The probability that it is just the heat and the nature of a detached home, especially with the way that neighborhood was clear-cut with a dismal tree-replanting-rate (pretty much none of my neighbors see any value in trees…mostly just me) is pretty high, but still, yet another weight on the house-owning-onus. Whining aside, Gable was not a happy camper with how hot it was and was plain miserable the whole time. I went out and got him a little fan and he plopped himself in front of it. In fact, both of them would fight for it, though Liana let him have it for the most part.

While I was unable to do any fence work with the ridiculous humidity, I was able to rip out some weeds and attempt to de-weed. The Sta-Green Weed and Feed I bought because it was at least $15 cheaper than the Scotts one I usually get did a wonderful job of feeding all the weeds. Should’ve been named Weed Feed instead of Weed and Feed. My grass has never been uglier. I think on top of it, I’ve been having my neighbor cut my grass (graciously he’s the one who offered) and it’s the fact that he’s been spraying chopped weed all over my flower beds that is causing the crazy crabgrass infestation I have. I can’t complain, he’s just super nice and it’s nice to have someone who keeps an eye on the place for me too. I think I lost like 50 lbs in sweat alone, haha.

It was really nice to be able to be there, even if it was so short lived. Every time I have a break like this, there’s always something else that needs to be done. It’s Thursday now and I’ve not slept well at all for a whole week. Waking up early every day for whatever reason the day brings me (sleeping in a different place is always so difficult) and it’s not going to be over again until maybe this coming Monday! Tomorrow I need to go into work to clean my co-worker’s teeth for her upcoming wedding, and deliver the folding tables she was wanting to borrow, and then Saturday looks like I’m heading back down in order to take advantage of the rare nice weather to try and make up for lost fence time. That means waking up early again and yet another early wake on Sunday to get back before the awful traffic shows up.

I had a really nice day on Tuesday with my nephew, since my sister allowed him his first sleepover with Gramma. He’s a happy baby and thinks (like most babies) that I am absolutely hilarious. I think I just look weird. A fast happy baby. We went out and bought him a walker and overnight he had already gotten the hang of the concept of walking.

I am so sleepy and tired. And I didn’t eat anything this morning because I woke up late and didn’t want my stomach to go crazy while I’m here. Still waiting, though unfortunately. I can feel the anxiety in my grandparents. I don’t think they used to be this nervous about things, but maybe that’s what happens when you get old and things are out of your control.

One of my DRLs are out and now I’m trying to figure out how to replace it. Buh. Reminds me that I never did replace my sideview mirror.

Next month I have another week off. Man, I hope I won’t have so much to do at that time. Since I’m not the one organizing the possible beach trip this year, it’s just that: a possibility. I recommended that if we don’t make a big trip then why don’t we look around the state for day trips. Like Luray Caverns, or something like that. It might be nicer to go in the fall, but more people will be around then for the leaves. Whatever. DC. The drive through safari zoo thing!

Damn, they’re still not here. I hope they come soon.

I’ve been busy typing up and embellishing those short stories I’ve been writing. It’s been so much fun to do and kind of weird to see what kind of brain I have these days. I’ve tried to keep them not too graphic, but the temptation is there sometimes to make them more trashy. Haha. This old brain is not nearly as creative as it used to be. I need to work on it. On a similar note, I wrote a graphic/M-17 short story around the time I was with my ex and I had the courage to read it again after 3 years. It’s not bad, but man, I needed to do some serious editing. Not a bad idea to take a hiatus, go through some more life and head back to something like that. That was the reason I didn’t get to sleep until 1am last night. I thought maybe a quick edit would suffice, but noooooo…I only managed to get halfway through!!! Definitely not something I want to be editing at my grandparents’ house. LOL!!

OK, until next time.

So. Sleepy.

I can’t stand that I haven’t been able to sleep properly for several days now. Last night wasn’t even that hot!!

Had one of those potential-greyhound-adopter incidents this morning but I was NOT prepared at all, being rather tired. Flubbed that one up a bit. Then we spent some time chasing a rabbit that wasn’t afraid of us. Large bunny. I think it was a mama that wanted to lead us away from her babies. Gable almost broke his neck lunging for it after he warned it 3 times. I can’t imagine what would’ve happened if I’d let go of that leash.

Wednesday again. I don’t know if it’s the tick bite causing all of this, but I’ve been feeling itchy and tired all over. I’m carefully monitoring the symptoms, but it’s hard to say if it’s tick related or just plain allergies and weather. Also, my mood is mildly depressed and unhappy. Unfulfilled, like I need to do something, accomplish something. One of those moods again, huh?

I’m tired of myself feeling trapped by these damn romance novel games. Finally finished the last one that I’m interested in. They’re annoying because they pull you in with interesting story and then the end is just crap. Most of the novel games have you as a female protagonist with your love interest and drama and such. How can all of these freaks be such idiots…and it’s like they all fall into a similar personality pattern. Different authors, though! There are 2 lesbian relationship novels which is nothing special in and of itself, I’m cool with that stuff. Both of them, like the others, were intriguing until about halfway through and I just blew through the rest of the novel just to be done with it. One thing is for sure: I am not gay. I can’t, no matter how hard I try, enjoy lesbian relationship romance novels. It’s just not my cup of tea. If the story is good, it’s one thing, but I have no interest in it. Still, it annoys the CRAP out of me how ideal all of these stories are (some are better than others, of course) where the protagonists are all perfect for each other and seem to know that when they are still in high school? Being an old fart myself, high school, college, young adult and full adult brains and minds are soooo much different from each other. Not to say that high school sweetheart relationships are impossible, but many of them just don’t work out when we all go off on our lives and meet new people and experiences. While I regret not dating around in college, I’m glad high school self didn’t do any of that. I was a real idiot then. To be fair, I think the 2 lesbian stories were written by the same person and in both stories, the couple seemed to have been in love with each other since they were 7 years old, so children, when they promised to marry each other. Yeah….

Speaking of stories, I’ve been slowing down with my short stories mostly because I think these romance novels are mushing my brain, but also I’ve been so tired, so that whenever I start writing I end up nodding off. However, I have around 10 or so done and have started typing them up into the computer. I think I might start posting them on here? Or starting a new handle on my WordPress account (already have 3!) dedicated to that. Because, why not?




I was having the most wonderful dream too, and then I have to wake up. Wonderful as in exciting, fyi. It involved, Trump, work, an infant, running around this indoor city, escaping down one of those hidden rides inside a hideout only to be caught but still escaping in the last 5 minutes, cars like from Disney’s Cars, a ball throwing contest…man I love dreams like that. And to wake up out of it…why can’t I have dreams like that on the weekends? It was my hope when I woke up that it was a holiday or my week off, but alas…

Cloudless skies! I’m telling you, I think my hunch is correct about there being no food for the birds. We’ve had birds of all sizes come to the deck. Just saw 2 big ravens walking hopefully around. Yesterday I was outside looking at our plants (for some reason this is like PERFECT seed growing weather because they literally pop up overnight) with Liana and this little Chickadee landed right on the railing, chirping loudly at me. I figured it wanted food, so I started distributing from my dwindling birdseed bag, and it didn’t even wait for me to finish before flying right over and grabbing one. I was blown away! Those little birds are seriously sassy and not afraid!

Went to Barnes and Noble on Sunday and maaaan, that book smell that greets you when you first walk in is seriously the best smell. So very soothing and relaxing and inspiring all at the exact same time. I wanted everything, but with my limited moolas, I settled for 2 bargain books. One was a National Geographic how things work book and the other was a journal type of book where they prompt you with 2 sentences of a story and you finish it. OH man. My creative side has been bursting at the seams lately and thriving off the sustenance I’d been denying it. The only problem with reading and being creative again is that I can NOT multitask. At all. I’ve begun to notice that my clumsiness has returned. It had been missing for a long while, and actually my coordination and reaction speeds had been getting better and better the more physical fodder I’ve been giving my body. I just have to be more careful. It’s hard to admit that this lack of creativity stemmed from obtaining a boyfriend. If that wasn’t a red flag already, I don’t know what is. Now, I just sit and marvel at why I waited so long to pick up an actual book that wasn’t manga, or interesting bits of useless information or video game based. That’s the kind of encouragement I want from my significant other, moving forward: one that supports all of my interests. That is a tall order, though, because I have very many and varied interests. Really. It runs the gamut.

Hah…I was just thinking the other day that maybe it is impossible to find someone for me. My thought processes, my interests, my values are so significant and apparently horribly unique, that it’s nigh impossible. I’m sure there are others out there like me, because I have very interesting patients, but the probability two singles would stumble across each other given my lack of social anything is painfully low. The most interesting patients of mine are mostly younger women around my age or guys that are established already. PFFFT. My music just changed to the Wedding March. Funny, life, funny.

My hair is crazy short again. I got a tick embedded in my hip so I started freaking out about them being in my hair. With it this short I can easily monitor now. Plus, I want the shortest hair possible and it was a good excuse, lol. It’s pretty much boy cut. What I really want is a longer buzz cut, but no one wants to do that. Guh.

Recently I started with this horribly addictive app where you get to read and make decisions in these stories. They are M-17 rated, but they are visual novels too. The 17 rating is very soft. Right now I have finished 2 romance genre ones. The first one I read was much better than the second. I don’t usually like romance novels, but maybe I’m in a book kick, so anything is good for me. The first visual novel really pulled me in, though for whatever reason, the female protagonists (yes, these are aimed towards women) are really dumb. They’re well written, though. When I get on these romance kicks, I usually last a few stories before they start getting repetitive and cliché. Then my mind starts analyzing them and why the authors portrayed romance or love a certain way every time. Why every single protagonist seems to be a supermodel and absolutely gorgeous or all know 3 kinds of martial arts but seem to be absolutely worthless when they need to fight. The best part about these types of books, though, is that they usually end up making me want to write my own stories.

Which meeeeeans, that project aowam saw some work last night! I hate writing again after a hiatus because nothing ever sounds like it’s good enough. The words always sound awkward and terrible, but the most important part is getting the ideas down, no matter how rough. Revision is easier.

Tuesday again!

I woke up late because I woke up early. Every day now, my body naturally gets up between 5 and 6am. I’m up with the sun and when it’s up, there I am too. It messes with the way we have our times set up here, so I end up doing the nap-wakeupchecktime-nap-repeat until I oversleep by accident. Like this morning. I think instead I’m going to keep a book by my bedside and just get up and read it when I feel that I can no longer sleep.

I’ve been oddly itchy since yesterday, and I’m not sure why. No welts, no hives, just randomly itchy like I’ve eaten something I’m allergic to. My biggest fear is that I’ve indeed been bitten by a tick and didn’t know it. Maybe something in the house??

Another gorgeous day! I hadn’t been paying attention to the weather at all because it has been awfully rainy and depressing. I stayed inside yesterday when I should have been outside! This morning is just like it! Not summerlike at all: clear blue skies, cool, and sunny. The birds and squirrels are out in full force. I swear it’s the spring we’ve missed for the year, just gotten to us now in June! Maybe that explains why I’ve been getting up so early. That happens only in Springtime. Summer usually has been sleeping in late from the heat.

Liana has been depressed lately, and so has Gable…have I been doing something wrong? So I went and bought birdseed yesterday to try and attract squirrels to the deck and make her excited again. Also, I figure that with all of the rain drowning everything, there are only an abundance of mushrooms, not seeds or ever bugs. Apparently I guessed right because even the big birds (jays and some black birds that aren’t usually around here) are on the deck looking for food. They’ve been eagerly eating up the grape offerings my mom has left out. Gobble them up almost instantly. I’m glad to see my girl happy again, and when she’s happy, Gable is too. I left the bathroom this morning to see his giant penguin in the hallway. He hasn’t been playing with his toys much either of late. Maybe the rain gets all of us, not just the humans?

My anthology of the end of the world has been very very interesting. I finished this crazy one called “The Feast of St. Janis” where the ending was nuts. Now I’ve started one where The  Wheel is considered sacrilegious and dangerous–the work of the Devil–to the point where you will be placed in Inquisition and a confession forced out of you. I think I can see what the ending/reasoning is going to be like, but I’m eager to find out.

I’ve noticed my brain, language and such have increased sharply after just reading this one book I’m enjoying so much. How did I go for so long without reading? And what influences have prevented me from it? I need to be around the right people, methinks. Keep the mind spry!

Out of time.