It’s Working

I moved the single most popular post on this blog: the stingray post, to my public blog. It’s working! People are still going to be directed to this blog through search engines, but I’ve provided a link to the newest blog page. Hopefully that one will catch on soon. That way I can try and keep this blog as limited as possible…though I suppose it’s way too late for that, given the amount of followers I’ve garnered (even if they’re fake) and hits that have stacked over time. Oh well. I can hope.

I’ve noticed a distinct change in myself after the end of November. I think I’m officially over my ex. No longer do I think of him when I have downtime. My mom always mentions him every so often and that no longer makes me angry in the pit of my stomach. When sad songs come on, I don’t sit there and wallow in it anymore. I think about it because it’s an experience that happened to me, but that’s it. Sirens don’t have that same gut-punch effect anymore, just like when I take the dogs for a walk. In fact, overall I feel happier, more upbeat, and much less depressed. My grieving time is over, I guess! I’m starting to think about finding someone again, to hang out with and do things with, to be a companion to. I still think and wonder about him, but know I am capable of looking back on everything as a neutral experience. 6 months. Exactly 6 months, in fact. Our anniversary would have been 5 days ago on the 1st of December. It came and went and I was none the wiser. Even having my coworkers talk about their boyfriends no longer makes me jealous and indescribably upset.

For the last 2 weeks, I’ve noticed that I might be more approachable. When I’m out in public people will just randomly start talking to me when in the past it was more of an eep! Look away! escape! kind of vibe I would get from people. Especially with guys and older women. The guys, I’ve noticed smile at me extra and hold eye contact longer than they ever have before. I was in Target the other day looking at lights and this older lady suddenly looked at me and asked my opinion on lights. She disclosed that she usually brings her daughter, but it just so happened that she was alone that day. Of all the people milling around there, she pinpointed me, so I spent the next 10 minutes asking her what she’s looking for, going over options and making recommendations. Am I putting off an attractant aura again? Stronger than ever! I’m available! Mate with me! I need companionship! Maybe I’m feeling that much better again that I’m smiling without even realizing it. It’s like I’m in heat. lol.

Actually, as I look at the schedule of patients since we see most in 6 month intervals, this set of 6-monthers would have been my patient at my worst time this year, emotionally. I must have been fragile and in a bad mood. Eek.

I’ve finally buckled down and bought bigger pants. My scrub pants are way too tight. The thighs just don’t fit! This morning, I got on the scale because my insurance was asking me information and I got a major surprise. GOOD GRAVY I weigh more than I have ever weighed in my life. I weigh 181 pounds. WOWZA. I realize that some of that is muscle, but some of it truly is fat. My midsection is about 1.5 – 2.0 inches over my pants. Yes, I’m working on it, though. Now that I’m less depressed, I’m going to be trying to keep up with the cardio workouts again. In my own defense, though, my muscles have been growing tremendously of late. I have a nightshirt that I’ve been wearing for YEARS. It used to be my mom’s. I wore it this week and there is no way it fits well anymore. The shortsleeve arms get stuck around my biceps, the shoulders are tight and the buttons in the front look about to pop open. What happened? Most of my clothes are like that now. I’ve had to get bigger bras because my ribcage/torso it too big (cupsize is the same lol). I swear that’s why my thighs no longer fit well in my pants, but I really do need to lose some excess fat.

Maybe I should become a body builder. Haha.

Man, this trying to sleep after 11pm thing is so hard for me.

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Friday Again

This week went by very quickly! Not complaining about it, though. I’m planning ahead to the last week this month when I’ll spend some time at my place to get it ready to sell. I’d love to keep it around longer for the sake of my dogs and having my weekend home back, but I don’t want to deal with having the lawn and everything again. I have to get in touch with my realtor again, but let me enjoy the home for a bit and finish up what needs to be done. I look forward to what the future holds for me. The next step forward to my own place up here. I’ve been trying to hold out for my grandparent’s house, but I don’t think that’s going to happen soon, so I’ll just work and live so I can by up my own place around here. The only major problem I have with selling is Liana. And Gable, really. That yard is her paradise. It melts my heart every time to see that all she wants is to go out there and nap in the grass or run around…and that in turn hurts my heart too when I remember I’m trying to sell it. What am I going to do then, after? Visit my grandparents a lot? I’m afraid that it’s going to force my hand in buying a house prematurely up here merely because of her. I very much do not want to get stuck in a split mortgage problem with my mom just so we can have a yard. Tricky tricky…

I’ve noticed something at work recently: well, first off, 4 days in a row without Blabbermouth at work was just heavenly and we all forgot until yesterday. The inanity. The frustration. Anyways. I’ve noticed that during conversation, most women will give affirmation. It can be in the form of adding more to the conversation, or making affirming noises like, mmm, or ahh, or ohhh. Even body-wise like nodding of heads or expressive facial motions. Whether it is BRAINLESS AND IDIOTIC or even if they don’t care that much, they will still give polite indication that they’re listening or involved in the conversation. On the other hand, most men, will add to the conversation if there’s something to be added, but if they have nothing to add, they’ll just take it in and that’s it. Even their body language doesn’t hint at affirmation, even though they are, indeed, listening. This does not apply to all men or all women, but I’ve noticed this. It’s really, rather interesting, and the more I realize something, the more I see in on a regular basis.

Then…I feel guilty for rash emotions aimed at males for not paying attention or trying to care, but I do feel justified a bit, because hey, women need that kind of thing, you know? I may have male-like mannerisms at times, but I am still definitely a woman! Just like with dogs, even if you don’t know how or think you can, you can fake it. And, yes, relationship therapists have divulged that the single most important factor in predicting the outcome of a relationship is that “care.” In other words, even if you don’t care, pretend to care and it means the whole world to the partner as well as priming you to be more compassionate to their feelings, thoughts and ideas. A give and take, right? Men, make some sort of effort to be a more active listener, and at least add something to the conversation once. Women, understand that he might indeed be listening, just not responding in the way women are used to from another female….at least he’s listening some of the time.

Tomorrow the new washer and dryer comes and I have stuff I need to do like take pictures to get the cards started. More errands! When will I go to the mall? Maybe Sunday to get these Christmas purchases out of the way.

I don’t fit in my clothes

And it’s perplexing!

OK, so I did gain a few pounds in the last 6 months, but after some hardcore yardwork and random exercise sessions, I can actually squat and it’s not hard to bend over and then stand up anymore. However, in the last month to month and a half, my scrubs no longer fit well…in particular around the thigh area. In the last few months, I even had to increase my bra size around the torso, not the cup. You’re thinking, honey, you just need to lose a few pounds. Earlier in the year, I was raving about having lost enough weight to fit comfortably in my scrubs. While I agree that I do need to shed some overall fat layers, I argue that I’m not really that fat. Yes, there’s a paunch that definitely could stand to melt away, but if you poke my back and my thighs, they’re hard. I understand that fat can exist on top of muscle, but I’m convinced that much of my puffiness is muscle. My shoulders and arms are filling out my t-shirts again and I feel an overall sense of strength. If you poke my hips, you don’t go through a layer fat to hit bone (at the thinnest point, mind you), it’s right there. I’ve been asking around other, older women, to see if they went through this size change. I had to go out and buy a new jacket/coat because my old, trusty one I just got last year keeps riding up because it won’t fit around my hips. My scrub pants are having the same problem as well as my scrub tops. It’s TIGHT, to the point where I’m terrified I’m going to bust out of them in the middle of the day and have to bring a spare pair of pants just in case. Getting in and out of the car makes me feel like I’m made of wood and can’t bend. The pant legs fit around my calves and hips alright, it’s just getting stuck around my thighs. How is this all happening so suddenly? An age thing?

Or maybe I’m just fat and in denial like fat people generally are. On the plus side (haaaaa) I’ve noticed the male population taking more time to smile at me and being nice, and no one (not even one instance) who sees me walking around has confused me for a man. It’s true that a more curvy (read: fertile and childbearing-equipped) body is highly and evolutionarily attractive to males .

Well, whatever, it doesn’t change the fact that I need to buy new scrub pants and even my jeans/home pants. No more money spending guhhh. I need to save for Christmas presents (running out of time there) and my car service in the new year (I actually should do it now, but I’m trying to push it out as far as possible). A new battery is already required now. Just Dance and DDR need to be a thing now…just I kind of gave up again until the new year. hahahaha.

I spent about 3K this weekend. GOOD STUFF. Because I HAVE THAT MUCH MONEY WUT. Says my heart. My brain says, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Waiting

Sitting here, waiting for my 15-20 minutes to be up for the whitening. I really wouldn’t recommend this system to anyone. It’s pretty awful, especially when the Crest Whitestrips are much easier and much more effective. Then again, I am using a box that is at least 3 years old, so I’d bet (hope, really) that the new trays are of better quality. After a quick search of their uninformative site, it appears that the tray technology is better, but I have no certainty. No matter what, it definitely is true whitening agent because despite being expired, it makes my teeth throb like unexpired ones. Guh.

Welp. Tomorrow is back to work. My break is over for now. Nagging in the back of my mind, is the whole insurance thing (gonna give it a few days), and money in general. We got our first real tree today! It’s a small, tabletop one, but our first, EVER, real tree! I’m a little excited. I never wanted one because of allergies and how it’s such a waste after the holiday, but because I’ve been downsizing and consolidating and purging  excess belongings and materials, it’s nice to not have to worry about where I’m going to store it. Plus, it smells nice. We shall see.

The whole purging idea is really nice and it feels good. Thinking about it, I’m a little sad getting older and not wanting stuff anymore. It is depressing to me a smidge that this year I find that I really don’t want anything. In fact, I almost don’t want to buy anyone anything either since no one actually needs anything. While the thought process is a good one, it makes me feel negatively because I can’t make myself get into the holiday mood. I am always in the holiday mood, every year. Thanksgiving was hard enough. I wonder…is it…? Sigh. I bet it is. There’s something missing, something sad for me. Gotta try and shake it off, though. Everyone else seems to be really into the Christmas spirit this year! In my neighborhood, I mean. Last year, pretty much no one put up lights or anything, but golly, gee, lights are up everywhere! Already! Trees in windows! Decorations! It puts a smile on my face to see people into it this early in, even if I can’t get my act together.

…I guess I have been pretty negative lately. I can’t help it. This time of the year reminds me of him, especially now, because this time 2 years ago we were madly in love with each other and I was the happiest I’ve ever been in my life–people-relationship-wise. I have no one to buy things for anymore and buying myself things isn’t making me as happy as it used to.

Time to spit this thing out and get to bed!

Grrrraaaahhh

I just finished health insurance shopping and how horribly frustrating! Not many health insurance companies are offering individual anymore and the ones that are force you to go through an agent company. I already miss my Aetna plan. What a great insurance. Gave me money all the time. Worst part? I don’t even know if the money I paid even work.

omgggg it’s 4pm??? I spent the last 3 hours doing this. WTF. And stupid medical offices are all going direct primary care which makes all of this even more frustrating because why pay for mandatory health insurance when I already have to pay 1200 dollars a year extra for a physical exam that nothing will be found on me.

This weekend has been ridiculously productive though. I’ve been off since Thanksgiving, so about 5 days off? It’s flown by. Thanksgiving itself was pretty nice, nothing super amazing, but the first Thanksgiving for my nephew. Then I had a myriad of errands and chores I needed to do and have been meaning to do. Replaced the rug, cleaned out my closets, consolidated belongings, set up the photography unit, finished up the yardwork project, planted bulbs, moved the extra bed to the basement, consolidated the basement. Body aches and pains later, I feel good. Health insurance addressed. The only things I didn’t get around to was raking (forgot to do it this morning after the dog walk) and taking the pictures for the Christmas cards this year.

Money? What money? With the insurances, and other purchases, I got nothing. And those aren’t even Christmas presents! Bought a new washer and dryer for Black Friday. I am POOR again.

In other news, the sister situation is good! They’re closing on a house on Wed. Whoo! Unfortunately, though, it means that I need to pay for those utilities again. Another 200 bucks, but still, that’s $200.

I’m tired now.

I’m all alone, there’s no one here beside me

…literally.

I am home…alone! No dogs either, just me. The people, I’m not concerned about, but the dogs…if I didn’t have the dog beds and dog toys lying around, I’d be okay, but empty dog beds are very depressing. I miss their furry little bodies there. Especially Gable. So what did I do? Flop on the couch. Turn on the TV. Pick up the phone. Forced myself off the couch in search of foods which I’d already planned and bought at work. Heated it up, ate a little and then threw it all away because DAMN it smelled like seafood. Guh. Waste of money. Instead, I ate Green Giant niblet corn, rainbow sherbet, and deli meat. Woohoo! More phone excitement while trying to stay awake, some messenger conversation, made myself stay up until 9:30, checked all the door, inserted the 3 set of whitening trays and here I am. This house is pretty big for one person. I could do it though.

Realllllllyyyy glad I refused to drive down tonight, because driving home from work was bad enough…and I even left early. I kept nodding off and had to break out the chocolate in a valiant effort to keep myself awake. That and getting mad at people…it works, you know? A moderate mad, like frustration and focus. Even then I couldn’t keep it up…geez. Lack of sleep really does that. I’ll sleep after this and then get up early tomorrow to go down in an effort to beat all the traffic. Dunno what I’m gonna do down there while everyone sleeps, but there you go. Another reason I don’t want to be down there.

My coworker was telling me how her boyfriend was getting a new car again. He leases cars so he keeps getting new ones as the leases are up, but he’s always choosing cars that I, myself, find annoying. Normally, I could care less because why should I? It has no bearing on me. The car he has now is a BMW something or another. Now he has a WRX. And for whatever reason he’s always insisting my coworker drive them. BMW and WRX are completely different cars. He also insists on manual, which for someone like him who works from home is fine, but around here a manual car is just ridiculous. Bottom line is that when she told me about it, the news made me irrationally angry and annoyed. I think she noticed. Why? A couple reasons: one, I’m PMSing which means everything makes me overreact. Two, I hate unsettled people and on top of unsettled people, I hate impractical people. To me, especially, in a mate (in this case, my co-worker who wants to spend her life with this guy), someone like this who likes thrill things like new cars, fast cars, expensive things for cars, always changing up cars, is not settle-down material. Rational thinking tells me that whatever, he doesn’t even have to pay for a house right now, so he’s entitled to enjoying his money, but my brain (the same one that gets and has gotten me in trouble relationship-wise) says red alert, flag time. Third, this is the exact same problem I had with ex. Why in the world I keep looking for hidden messages in people’s actions based around cars, but why the HELL do these men (even my brother) care so much about these stupid cars. I know a bit about cars myself, but after thinking about things in the way I do, they are, in the end, a mode of transport. Why people place such importance on them is beyond me, whether it be status, or performance. I mean, status? Performance? Pfft. I’d rather spend it one something else than worry about scuffs on my super expensive car that I don’t ever and will never be able to use to the fullest extent of its performance power because that would be driving-with-intent-to-kill. Why? Because they have nothing else to worry about. Not my brother, not my co-worker’s boyfriend, and not my ex (at least of what I knew of him). None of them own a house or have much other responsibility.

I guess I ascribe it to irresponsibility. That must be why I get upset. With ex-M his ultimate decision to choose that old WRX over something more practical especially for his line of work or even a newer one (he had used to have that same model and year and basically regretted selling it and wanted it again, even boasting to me that the prior owner was facing pressure to sell it from his wife because of their kids…something he criticized about females) was the nail in the coffin for me. It was impractical, and old, meaning more money and work being thrown into it. Manual which is, as I said, terrible for sitting in traffic in this area, and it was a solid signal from him that he was not interested in the least about a future or a family or anything. That’s not meant to be a passenger car. I tried to be supportive as it would be a project for him again…I mean, just because I don’t like something doesn’t mean you have to dislike it too…but the attention, the care, that he gave the vehicle, the non-living hunk of metal, was so lacking in our relationship between people. He cared more for that non-human than he cared for anything that breathed air: me, animals, his patients, his own family. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand for that again after growing up with my dad. Then again, in retrospect, I guess I was attracted to him because he was just like my dad in so many ways. Stupid Freud.

I. Can’t. Stand. Irresponsibility. Immaturity. Which means I’m out of luck because that is apparently the definition of being male.

Then again, it might all be just my own jealousy thrown in there too. Nah. That might be part of it, but that’s not only it. My co-worker really seems to adore her bf and he seems to adore her too, but I’m afraid she just wants too much for things to work. I disagree with some of the things he thinks and believes in. I’ve never talked to him much, but I have some reservations when I see him and send my feelers out. There’s…something. It feels similar to my brother in law. Bah. I need to get over myself. It’s not my life, and I need to stop being so negative about people I don’t know well. It’s just that I care tremendously about what happens to the people I love.

This is exactly why it’s so hard for me to find someone. I’m too complex, too intricate, too…much. Too intense, too many expectations, too stubborn, too…liberal? too thinky. Is there someone out there whose brain is as encompassing as mine? It’s a different way of thinking, broader, intuitive and yet emotional with silly thrown in there for fun. People get offended sometimes and even others don’t understand it. I’m not your common girl. Really. Truly. An emotional robot, if you will. I don’t think I will, because all of those guys are taken. Oh well. Dogs forever!

I think it right that I threw that food away. I swear there’s shrimp in there somewhere. I’m itchy all over now.

Monday again

And once more, I’m working, but this time it’s a normal Monday becaaaaauuuseee…..THANKSGIVING IS ON THURSDAY. My favorite holiday during my favorite time of the year! Whoooo!! After talking to my patients for years on this, I finally realized that more people than I ever imagined actually greatly dislike this holiday. Mostly women. Mom types of women. Then again, I think more people than not dislike the major holidays altogether. Then I was even more appalled to know that my mom admits to disliking Thanksgiving. I assume it has something to do with being the sole maker of foods on a tight schedule, then cleanup, etc. So I told her that she doesn’t have to be the only one who does things and it’s like she never really thought about it. Whatever. It’s still my favorite, even as I got older and have more to do in the kitchen. Although…this year is a bit different and possibly more drama-filled. And likely the very last time I will ever be able to utilize my own amazing kitchen to its full extent.

I had Friday through yesterday off and spent Friday (I had allllll these plans and errands and chores that needed to be done) morning outside trying to finish up the whole thing I was trying to fix in the backyard. It occurred to me afterwards that the HOA is going to throw a fit once they lay eyes on it. Oh well. Why do they care so much about a private backyard, anyways? Boggles the mind. That’s not what an HOA is supposed to stand for, excuse you.  Well, let’s just say that yardwork like that, which is one of the mainstays of my existence, has not been accomplished by me in months on end…therefore I spent the rest of the weekend hobbling around slowly and in great muscle pain. I felt lightheaded afterwards, but filled with an endorphin rush. Today, 3 days later, there is lingering but minor pain (all lower body), but I can walk and even my upper body feels stronger. The rest of the weekend saw other chores being done, like moving the extra bed into the basement for a daybed, organizing the basement, cleaning out excess materials in my closet so that I have more room to store more things, paying bills, then playing video games. Still have another closet to clean out and probably will end up moving my bed back to the other room. The whole idea behind moving the extra bed away is because I ended up splurging on that photography lighting and backdrop kit I’ve been wanting for years, just more important to me now because my dogs are not getting younger and I’d like a decent photo of them before they’re not around anymore–one without clutter all over the background, etc. And then I can take vain photos of myself too. Bwahaha.

I don’t think I’ve ever met another person (aside from probably my dad) who has the same unbearable muscle pain I get after doing strenuous activity. A couple concerns pop up like rhabdomyolysis, fibromyalgia, other muscular problems, but in the end I think it’s just plain old pain. You might say, maybe you’re just a pain-wimp, but I beg to differ because I actually like pain. I’m thinking it’s more like my body does a terrible job of mopping up lactic acid, or slow wound healing response (like my bruises too), or maybe my muscle fibers expand too quickly and it results in pain as the body is not prepared for it yet, especially since it really only is painful when I try to contract the growing muscles. HULK MUSCLES. MUSCLE GROW, MUSCLE CAUSE PAAAAIIIN. No matter what it is, I’m effectively debilitated for several days. Let’s not mention that whole mountain incident thing. Then after the pain, then I really do feel like Hulk because my body’s all muscled up. If I was born a man, I’d probably be a muscle dude. Body builder. Crossfit Bro.

D’oh! Out of time.