I’m having some AWFUL acid reflux right now. Why? It’s all over Cheetos Paws. Uggggh. Why are they so GOOD but so BAD for me? I have to finish them, though. I figure a marathon eating will fix it. It’s been well known to me over the last few years that alcohol and corn chips of any sort provide massive revenge in the form of GERD.
My computer crashed the other day while I was showing my brother something on it. Good news is that he is a computer tech dude and right away worked to recover it, but basically had to format it all. My data was safe, though, because that’s what he does, but still. Apparently something had caused my primary hard drive to lock up? He suspects an attempted malware of some sort, at least I think that’s what he said. No matter what, I am very thankful to have it back. I went one measly day without it and I was very sad. VERY SAD. My co-worker asked me a while back why I still have a computer because she has zero need of one anymore. I responded that I use it very often. She returned with, how many times a week and I’m like, every single day, which is the truth. She gave me a skeptical look and then shrugged and said that tablets and phones are plenty for her. Yeah, I need a dedicated computer. That’s why I spent money on this laptop. No more sketch websites for me!
I’m starting to feel the pressure again about life. I had a great 2 months or so with no worries at all except what I was going to eat next and how fat I was getting. Mostly about how much of a blob I’ve become and not being able to pull myself away from my video games to do anything useful. I never even touched the costume thing since I first cut them out of pee pads. Now I need to find my bags to ready myself for the beach. Instead I’ve just been buying things left and right…and the usually when I’m doing that it’s because I’m trying to drown out something. I don’t need more stuff and I should be saving money.
Yesterday I was watching the end of Silent Hill something on TV and the father and daughter hugged and said goodbye and she walked off with her bf. I let the old feelings seep into my heart again and suddenly I was depressed and sad. Nostalgic and then resentful. I stayed back on Friday after we were done for like 40 minutes talking to my coworker about divorces and relationships and stuff and I let it out that I am jealous. Jealous of all the happy relationships around me, despite the divorces in our practice. All my coworkers’ families seem to be so happy; not only their immediate circumstances with husbands and boyfriends, but their parents too. I think I’m the only one in the practice whose parents are nasty divorced, aside from my female boss, but she’s old (haha), married and it doesn’t count. Unspoken of course, is my failed relationship, although his situation is worse than mine (another reason I’m glad we didn’t make it together, in retrospect…I don’t think he has a single clue about how a successful relationship works and no good role models either. Just anime and Korean dramas).
It starts to make me wonder if I, neither, have a clue how to a good relationship works. I know I’m at a disadvantage coming in, but I tried to read everything and anything I could about how a good relationship is created, upheld and conserved. Then I tried to employ it, by making my goal to take care of my partner. The idea is, if both people try their best to make the other one happy with respect, care and time, then it should equal out. I understand there are factors involved, as there always are, but both goals are aimed for the benefit of the other more than oneself, it should work. Selfishness is the key to destroying a relationship. At least that’s what I’ve garnered.
But it only works if both sides are trying. That I know from experience. It doesn’t work if one person is more in love with himself than you. I’m somewhat selfish myself (and who isn’t, given that it’s your own life), but I loved him. I loved him with everything I could because that’s how I do everything. I would’ve done anything for him. Just wanted to see him smile and be happy. Maybe, I loved him too much and it was overwhelming. People aren’t dogs after all. I unconditionally love them and they unconditionally love me, so everything that I do or experience, I think of them. Always want to buy them toys, treats, etc, anywhere I go. I bought a car and house for them. They have at least 20 beds because I want them to be comfortable. I try to bring them places because that means we go together and I know they love it. I wouldn’t dream of going on vacation without them. I’d do anything (within reason) for them. And what do they give me back? Just love. Lower blood pressure. Happiness. Poop. Vet bills. But I don’t care. Just like I told him: I don’t need any thing. I just want you. And I meant it. I just wanted him to think about me, to care about me, to do anything for me in return…but alas. Towards the end I realized what I’d known all along: if something bad happened, if he had to give up his life for me, even if he’d do it for a stranger, I don’t think he’d willingly give it up for me. Geez. I won’t even tell you how much money I spent on him over the 2 years. Just like my dogs, no matter what I did, no matter where I went, I’d always think of him. I always wanted to buy him things that would make him happy. I just wanted to be together with him.
I hope that’s not the wrong way to do it, because if it is, I’ll fail every time. And yes, I certainly understand the need for space, for even with my propensity to clinginess, I need lots of silence and space, myself. In fact, I just kicked Gable out for being clingy and farting up my room.
Speaking of dogs, they’ve been on an awful food strike for a week. He’s still going to do it, I think, but hopefully it’s coming down again. It stresses me out to no end when he does this. Then Liana does it too because I don’t know if they talk or not, but poor girl is terrified to eat all of the sudden. At least they both heartily ate last night. It sucks on another layer as he’s on antibiotics, so he’ll equate food with upset tummy which is actually being caused by the antibiotic. Also a bad time to change food which further takes a toll on the stomach. I was stressed and in a bad mood all day. I swear…this is absolute worst thing about owning greyhounds. And how did I get the super picky ones? Some greyhounds are perfectly fine with whatever. This is very last thing I ever expected would be an issue with owning dogs, and the MOST stressful of all. Medical issues? Separation anxiety? Vacation? Training? Walking etiquette? House breaking? Nah. Simple stuff. But food pickiness? UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHH. Never ending, expensive and awful to deal with.
Projected list today: draw something, possibly laundry, look at eclipse, groceries, maybe costume stuff, find bags for the beach and start getting things together, think about what to make for dinner.