Sleepy.

I ate an entire container of watermelon on my own last night instead of working out. So of course I ended up having to pee in the middle of sleeping. Fun times.

Then I was wide awake at 6am for no real reason, just woke right up and tried to nap unsuccessfully for an hour until exactly 10 minutes before I had to get up. I get outside with my dogs and find a helicopter following us. Why is it that whenever there are helicopters outside they seem to follow us? I didn’t think too much about it and kept going. Unlike many other pedestrians in our neighborhood, I like to cut through green areas because Liana likes to look for squirrels and also that weird “walker” guy was out walking again this morning. Helicopter hovered directly over us the entire time I was making my way back to the sidewalk. Then it flew off and I notice a second chopper. Pick up after Liana and get ready to cross the road per as usual. The oncoming gold car was sooooo slooooow! I muttered to myself, “can you go any slower?” and when it finally passed us I was slightly alarmed to see a policeman in the unmarked car and looking carefully around for something. Oh. That makes sense. Helicopters are still circling above and I continue on my way, increasingly anxious, but of course the dogs could care less and eagerly smell and pee and such, probably picking up on my lack of control this morning. We move to go back home and I realize that a third chopper has been added to the mix. OK. Time to hurry home! Two ended up hovering in opposite sides of the neighborhood while one circles. At this point I’m going through scenarios in my head in the event that some criminal jumps out of the trees and shrubs I walk by. Inside the house! hurry! Doors locked? Good. Rush the usual bathroom routine and hear both dogs whining and then running upstairs. They’re worried. That’s good. Not. As soon as I finish my shower, though, the droning noise stops. Ah ok. They’re gone.

Makes me wonder if my alert wakefulness at 6am had anything to do anything.

My body hurts. And it’s fat. The beach is coming up soon. I’ve been extremely lazy. As I lay awake this morning, I resolved myself to start DDR again (the fastest way to lose weight, along with Just Dance) alongside the weightlifting. Let’s see what actually happens…

The crafty squirrels made it past a small lapse in defense around my tomato plant and TOOK MY BEAUTIFUL RED, ROUND FRUIT. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. My mom tells me that Liana found the pilfered and tarnished gem and was very proud of herself for finding it too. She really has established herself a job of protecting us and the property from critters of any type. She’s so cute! Speaking of cute, these two are well aware that there’s a baby in my sister’s belly. Especially Liana. :)

I can’t believe it’s only Thursday. What a week so far.

Looks like I’ll be cat-sitting for a week. If that’s what you refer to taking care of a cat for a friend. It’s kinda cool because I’ve never known anything about cats so this is a good chance for me to understand them better. I’ve been around cats in the past (musical peoples like cats…but in my experience, dogs do too. Mine are just very critical of your performance and prefer a real instrument to an electronic one) just never this close.

Yesterday as I was driving to work I think I would be locked into depression if I didn’t have a job to go to. To leave the house and interact with others. It always makes things better for me. Even walking the dogs when I get home is therapeutic in a way nothing else can be. The idea of working from home would be cool, but it’s not for me, at least long term.

Storms!

Boy! That was lots of rain yesterday! And then the wind! I was proud of myself: it thundered and lightning’d at work but I held my cool. Being focused and having to be professional about something is really helpful in dealing with fear. I keep telling my patients that if a bee got into the operatory I would leave and someone would have to kill it before I came back in, but I think I’d be forced duty-wise to hold my terror in check as much as possible.

My two fears-that-are-almost-phobias.

So another one of my friends is married. It’s interesting: you always know within a year of seeing a couple together if they will end up married or not. Now…whether or not it stays that way in the long run is yet to be seen…I haven’t lived long enough to see bitter ends like that yet. At least not too many…there was one who had a nasty divorce because her husband was found to have forcibly sexually assaulted people. There’s just…something between them…and so you just know. Apparently, though, aside from on this blog, I appeared that way too because when it was over literally everyone was appalled. Hah…I mean…I was so certain myself after that first year that he was the one I wanted. My heart was devoted and dedicated. It would never have worked out, no matter how right I did it, though, because it takes two, and there were warning signs everywhere. But. Hindsight is 20/20.

Guh.

My old pups. Took them out to a trail today. No aquatic rodent, but neither one wanted to go home! Even the old lady who gets tired so quickly these days. She saw the car and didn’t want to go to it. They’re so  happy just being in nature…you should have seen her face, her nose going a mile a minute taking in the scents, the breeze, the sun. Yes, we had sun this morning. Hard to believe now, but there was. Mud, rain…none of those bother my two in the least. I…don’t know what I’m going to do when I don’t have trail buddies anymore after they’re gone. Someone not afraid of getting their clothes or shoes dirty, someone whose company is more than enough on a trek like that, someone who can get up early, someone who can appreciate little things like that caterpillar or that mushroom…someone who can walk in the peace of the trees and is hit by how infinitesimal our existence is; suddenly our worries and problems matter so little in the grand scheme of things.

Ah. The dreams of a dreamer.

Another relaxing Saturday of video games. No money spending this time!!

It’s the little things

I was super proud of my parking yesterday. Usually I tap the little barrier and move up but yesterday I didn’t tap at all and managed to not touch it by millimeters. Whoo! Also my tires are cool even though the drag and poor mileage are a big step down. On the plus side they’re grippy! And rain is nothing. 

On my way home the juxtaposition of the blue sky and threatening clouds obscuring the sun was really very awesome and I just had to snap some pics of them. Gorgeous.

Here pictures of my dogs last night. The boy was barking because he had to go out and she immediately rolled back over once she noticed I had my camera out. Haha!

Day3 (2) – 4

One day I’m going to look back on all of this and dissect and analyze like I do. At this point I have 3 instances of grief/major stress to pick apart and come to conclusions about how I deal with stressful times.

Yesterday: a few yelps here and there

3:00pm: sister came by before my grandma’s 80th birthday party to visit. Liana tried to get up and yelped a bit, greeted them and then went back to lay down for the rest of their visit. Even when they were leaving, she was morose and much more lethargic than normal, to the point where they even noticed. Only got up right when everyone was at the door to go.

4:00pm: Had no problems running down the stairs for potty break. Anything dealing with the outdoors she is beyond excited to experience.

6:00pm: Went to the bathroom to change pants before walkies. Opened the bathroom door and she must have been sphinxing on the ground but got up too exuberantly. The most and loudest crying I’ve heard since Wednesday. I grabbed her leg and massaged it until she stopped crying. She was scared again and walked tentatively on the leg for the next several minutes. We took it very slow on the walk, but she perked up again after about 8 or so minutes. Remember how I said every time I get my hopes up, something happens? There you go. The crying is so gut and heart-wrenching…

7:00pm: called her in to show her a squirrel happily picking and eating my green strawberries in front of my face. She yelped coming in, but ran out and tried to Kapoom the squirrel. A small kapoom and not as fast, but the enthusiasm was there and it made me smile.

8:00pm: Didn’t want to eat her food at the bowl again, even though she was very eager to eat. Gable gobbled up his and wanted to eat hers. I tried to hand feed her (pssh of course not), so I gave her a few pieces on her bed and went to clean up the dishes. Came out to find that she had eaten those, so I brought her bowl out to her and went upstairs to get out of the way (she won’t eat with me around for some reason). Came back down to find that she had eaten everything except for the few areas I’d left fruit (nectarines and pork chops) for her. Haha. Silly girl. Made me happy.

8:20pm: Still having a very tough time making her take her medicine. I think I’m going to start spacing them out a little to see what happens. Obviously, even with all 3 pills the pain is still a thing, so either the medicine isn’t working as well, or possibly they’re not terribly significant?

9:00pm – 6:00am: Nothing to report.

6:00am: Lots of whining and phee-ing, etc on her part. She’s getting to be quite a brat when it comes time to wake up in the mornings. Once again I can’t tell if it’s because she’s just eager to go outside, or as I’ve been speculating, death’s knocking at her door especially at night and since we’re artificially prolonging her life maybe she knows it. Daytime is fine besides the odd moment where she’ll stand and just stare, but nighttime is bad for her. Could even be medications but that doesn’t make sense: she sleeps fine during the day. At night, it’s like she doesn’t sleep and will whine and whimper and get up and walk and stuff. Like if she stops moving she’ll die. Never had this problem before with her. She’s wanted to go places, but never to this degree.

7:15am: Stronger yelp right before I get out of bed to walk them, so more massaging, but no incidents while walking and she seems fine. Interested in stalking a squirrel eating moldy bread today.

Every time she cries loudly I think more and more about the moment when I have to put her down. It’s depressing. So depressing. I’ve been inside the house leaving only for dog walkies since Thursday. Honestly I think she’ll be OK, but the worry is strong and there. What if she decides to run downstairs and trips? She shows strong signs of distress when I leave or am not there, and every single time she hurts herself enough to cry out she seeks me out instantly.

You know, it’s funny, my mom is much more emotionally affected by this than I am. She told me yesterday that she realized she can’t let go of Liana, that it’s too hard. I’ve been extremely realistic…then again, I think the experience with Tristan and even my breakup and Gable’s dilemma all have prepared me well. I guess if you’re going to experience something deeply negative, it’s nice to already be in the negativity hole. Try experiencing that when your positivity meter is and has been at maximum. I can’t shake the feeling, either, that all of this is building me up for something truly catastrophic…some major heartbreak coming to us soon…I mean, it could be anything, heck I might not make it home tomorrow given the drivers around here, or a plane falling from the sky. Most likely, though, my grandparents. My grandpa is close to 90, if my grandma turned 80 this year. 87, actually. He was born in 1930.  Every time I see him he’s more and more frail. My grandma even is the same. I don’t know, but if this is any sort of preparation, it’s doing a good job. A dog is one thing, but a human? I’ve only had Liana 3 years and I feel like this. Gable I’ve had for 5 now.

Will I have more tears to shed? Probably. Haha. I’m becoming a pro at that, for realz.

One thing I will say, though: if you ever need someone in a time of grief or emergency, aside from being muscle, my brother is the worst support to have with you. He really doesn’t know what to do and his energy doesn’t help the situation. He is good for moving cars and weight around and driving.

Having dealt 3 times with death and close to death, it’s getting more familiar to me and I’ve proven to myself that I can still think clearly (for the most part) to talk to the professionals even if the tears are hard to control. Driving………..maybe not. Have to work on that part, clearing my head.

Today is Sunday. I have no reason to go anywhere (I am in the negative finances-wise, so….death is very expensive, but illness is moreso) but I was trying to think of someplace so I can test and wean her. Tomorrow we always do a grocery run, so that’s fine, but Tuesday I have to go back to work and my mom has a doctor’s appointment. Maybe I should dig out my gate? I don’t even know where it is.

Man I haven’t done a darn thing since Thursday. What a bum. Drowning myself in video games. I tried to play piano yesterday and found my fingers to be extremely unpliable. Even my finger muscles were complaining. Liana seemed to enjoy the music, though.

Day 3

1:00am: Liana yelped loudly and sought me out. She lay in my room and I fell asleep.

5:30am: Liana yelped again and came back to my room to find me, but left immediately.

7:00am: Both dogs are in my room.

8:15am: Liana tried to get up and yelped again. I figure it was time to get up to walk them, so I did. She went quickly down the stairs and kitty-dogged behind me, waiting for her leash and collar. Same as I was putting on my shoes. Gable made way for her as she wanted her place begin first out the door. She carefully navigated the porch steps and used the grass to come down the hill as usual. A little faster today, so we went our normal route. She seemed grateful for routine and normalcy. We still try to keep her pace which is roughly half our normal speed. She pooped well today, no backside weakness. Didn’t seem all the interested in squirrels today. I watched her gait and it seems the L side in general is off, more on the back L than in the past. Almost fell over peeing when she forgot she’s not totally well. I also noticed that she can’t/won’t pick up her head past a straight hold. She gets tired very quickly, breathing and panting heavily, and moving slowly just about 2-3 minutes into the walk. Ran into the house and up the stairs relatively quickly (almost like she wanted to keep up with Gable).

8:43am: Tried to give her medicine and she was just as impossible to deal with, not wanting it at all. Thought about stopping the Rimadyl as a test, but I figure it’s only been 3 days and honestly I’d hate to hear the screams again just yet. Gave her a treat today for taking her medicine and she readily takes treats.

9:00am: Discussed findings with my mom, including the new development of my noticing the L side possible deterioration of the back. I humored the idea of a stroke? but that would have happened instantly, right? And wouldn’t have manifested in knuckling of her front leg. She is definitely moving faster now and feels better overall, but is reminded and frequently sobered by the sharp pains she feels when she’s not careful. I read the medical reports they uploaded onto the app and it seems the doctor is very hopeful with an overall good prognosis.

9:25am: Went to go put mail in the mailbox by myself and while I was looking for my flip-flops, she ook-ooked loudly from atop the staircase, expressing her concern. I go out and when I come back she was busy at the window highly concerned about my return. While this is relatively normal behavior, they’re usually excited (because I normally take them with me) and not so concerned. She seemed relieved when I came back up and went to lay down again.

9:30am: Started incorporating canned food on a more regular basis to help entice her to eat. She shows much interest, but is still so food picky. She ate the 3 pieces of cut meat on top, but left the rest of the canned food (Wellsey Farms from Tristan’s leftover stock) even though she actually came into the kitchen in search of food when I was making it. I can’t tell if this is normal behavior or something amiss.

10:00am: I’m upstairs taking a breather from the dogs while my mom and brother are in the living room keeping an eye on them, when I hear her ook-ooking below. I wander down and my mom thinks that it’s because Gable took the bed she wanted, but she looks up at me with those little eyes and typically if she wants something, she just takes it or lies somewhere else (there are 4 large beds there). She displays similar behavior at night: restlessness and whining/making other noises and just standing around like she wants something or is confused. It breaks my heart a little. Every time she makes some sort of progress, something else seems to go south, renewing my worries. I can’t feel overwhelmingly hopeful about all of this. I chalked it up to the loud video game so they turned down the sound. Gable has since joined me up here.

I looked at myself in the mirror today and damn I look old. Heck, I feel it. This year has been extremely unlucky and full of heartache and stress for me…it’s only half a year done. First Gable (almost losing him), then all my patients dying on me, then my failed relationship, money troubles, house-situations troubles, my dad being an asshole, unexpected car expenses and now Liana. I have shed more tears than I ever thought I had in me, been tormented by extreme feelings and emotions, and I don’t believe for an instant that it’s over. The thought crossed me: is it just fate, luck or karma? I can’t help but remember that it is the year of the Rooster–the worst year for my sign–and all the negative fortunes I had for New Year’s this year.

I don’t doubt that I’ll make it, because I’m not one to lie down and just give up, but good golly these ruts are really taxing. The road ahead is extremely daunting and full of obstacles, but I know smoother roads will be there. Someday. Right? Buh.

 

A Test

Tonight I’m back in my own bed and my babies are upstairs with me. It’s really nice to be on a bed again. As much as I love that couch, being on it for 48 hours was really starting to mess with me physically and mentally. I asked my mom if I could have it when I finally get my own place. She’s OK with that. I basically have my DNA all over that thing because I was there when we first picked and bought it and I’ve been on it ever since.

I want my girl in my room with me, but she went to her usual place. She’s much faster today all around and aside from the scare this  morning where her backside wouldn’t obey her, she’s been overall good and even better…to the point where she’s starting to forget she has to take it easy. Had a little reminder midday when she got up suddenly and yelped. Her leg still isn’t as useful as I’d like it to, but she’s putting a good amount of weight on it and taking stairs more like a pro. Still fighting me with the pills, but she’s eager to eat and was standing and waiting for dinner today. She was even forcing Gable out of the way to be first out the door! Oh my old lady.

Despite the great progress in 2 days (Gable’s month of depressing behavior vs a few days with her? Geez.) the overwhelming knowledge that this may still not end well for her, artificially extending her life with medications, hovers like a weight in my heart and my mind. She doesn’t realize what the medications are doing for her and if the spinal problem is the real deal and doesn’t ease, how can I make the decision to end her life when she’s loving life again? Stop the medications and bring back the excruciating  pain? That’s terrible! Or bring her to the vet when she’s feeling great and then saying, oh goodbye Liana. She won’t understand! She would’ve been fine dying on Wednesday because she definitely wanted to die then, but the medications are making her feel fantastic now…back to normal, which is exactly what she wants. To be normal again.

…Gable was playing with toys today and she very much wanted to play with him, but her body isn’t 100% back to health and she realized that. I had to stop him to from playing to not tempt her.

She’s like me: what’s the point of living life when you have to hold back?

Well one thing is for sure: since this whole drama started I haven’t had to be tormented by my breakup. Unfortunately now that it’s less of a problem and I can think of other things, it’s coming back into my consciousness. Yesterday an E-harmony commercial came on TV and my mom looked at me. I pretended to not notice but I could feel the intention. We were talking about how taking care of Liana like I have, staying up with her, taking care of her and getting no sleep because of her is just like doing the same with kids when they’re sick. It moved on to back pain and muscle pain. Then she says, remember that. Remember the back pain because it’s much worse when you have kids. And I’m like, HUH? Where’d that come from?? She repeatedly hints at me having kids and I keep telling her that I already have dogs. Sounds like she wants me to try getting into a relationship again and to have kids. Wut. Where did this whole kids thing come in? She must think I’d make a good mom. I admit that ever since I started dating M my stance on kids has relaxed a bit. But it’s still not a yes. Then again it stopped being an adamant no.

Sigh. It’s weird. Part of me is not ready to be in a relationship again and part of me is eager to try once more. My current situation is ill-suited to a suitor and I’m sticking with that for now, but more and more it’s nagging at me. Heck, I haven’t even given M back his stuff yet! It has almost been a month, but not even!

So am I over him? Yes and no. Distance has indeed made me realize that he never cared for me as much as I wanted him to. Then again, that obligation I held to him was probably a big reason it didn’t work well from my part. I made assumptions, expected things a certain way and we didn’t see eye to eye on some major things. While it’d true that two people shouldn’t have to have the exact same interests, you have to have something in common, or at least be willing. I always thought I was a very willing person; I love adventures and trying new things…but there were certainly times I should have relented instead of put up a wall. There were so many flaws. Do I still love him as much as I kept claiming over and over again, now that we’ve been apart almost a month? I do. I still love him. If I didn’t, it wouldn’t hurt so much when he responds curtly to my texts or whenever I see a Facebook post from him. Then I start to feel the resentment again and it bolsters my resolve about the decision I made to break it off. I still remember his surprise when he said, “you want a break?” It stuck with me because it wasn’t a break I wanted…it was a break up…I still don’t know exactly what he feels in all of this and it bothers me. Did he ever love me? Or was I just another girl? A nice person, who did things for him, thought of him, gave him things, wished the world for him. I really hope I meant…mean more to him than that. Because I still love him and that won’t change. When I finally see him in person, I guarantee I’ll still feel it and strongly at that. I’ll never get over you, but I’m OK with that. I read somewhere that men are quick to forget but not forgive, while women forgive easier than they forget.

Boy, it does feel like crap, though, to feel like I’ve just been thrown aside like an unwanted toy, unable to compete with other, more interesting things.

I’d love for someone to fawn over me and adore me and think the world of me…is it a mistake to treat someone like that? Maybe people don’t want that? Sigh. I guess I could’ve been obsessed, creepy, over-enthusiastic with my love. I just…all or nothing, you know? What’s the point of doing anything when you can’t put all you’ve got into it?

Well. I hold out hope that someone is out there for me that is in my vicinity, and not across the country. Also that my life situation stabilizes and I am able to try again without so many detrimental factors this time. That clock just keeps ticking.

I’m so so glad my girl is happy again. I just can’t shake that overshadowing negativity…is it foreboding? Honestly if I could have one wish right now, it’d be that I could have both dogs with me for the beach trip…probably our last beach trip to Topsail…and with dogs in general. If I could have a second, it’d be that I could tidy up this whole house ordeal and be done and sold with it.

…I guess that’s one good thing about not having Liana around anymore: there’s no reason to keep the other house at all. Gable doesn’t need it. Just her. Not that it would be any use to her now anyways… I don’t want to think about it.

My mom accused me of not being positive thinking about her today. I told her that I’m a realist. I think realistically. No point in glossing everything over. No point in painting bleak pictures either, though if I had to choose on the positive to negative scale, I’d probably place myself closer to negative than positive.

Hope does keep me alive and happy. Necessary for a happy life. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Words to live by.

 

Friday

These day posts are starting to get old, huh?

Yesterday morning was just awful. She was miserable, I was miserable and Gable continued to act like she wasn’t even existing. It got so bad I thought hard about calling the vet to make the decision to put her down. Even if she had shown interest in food and water (despite not eating anyways) she was in a lot of pain. I started feeling awful and powerless because I couldn’t do anything to help her. However, I was waiting for the vet to call anyways with bloodwork results, so I thought I’d wait until then. It was a sunny day so I let them outside and sat there with them a little before letting them do their thing (she never liked me sitting out there with them). She seemed so happy, watching the leaves fall, the birds fly, hear them sing, listen to the work guys next door and the sun shining on them. Then the vet called and I was sad, but turns out it was just the receptionist asking if everything was OK.

I played video games all day, sad, but then around 2/3ish she started perking up. She barked at a dog walking outside. She realized she could sit up without crying out in pain so she assumed the position she likes the most. Everything really started looking up when she reached around to lick her bottom. My heart lightened.

Then that evening my mom helped me walk them because Gable needed a longer walk. She tried hard, really hard, to keep walking with us. Then she pooped! That made me soooo happy! SHe still kept wanting to go to the trees, though.

Last night, I was able to sleep a lot more. She still whimpered and whined most of the night. At one point she startled awake, stood there a bit and decided to run up the stairs which shot me out of sleep. I stood at the bottom of the stairs and she came back down. It was like she woke up and thought she was supposed to be upstairs, not realizing I was still down there. She lay down again and I tried to sleep, but I hear a small yelp and turn to see her roaching!!! I had to go rub her belly then and got back onto the couch. I could hear her flop over and she proceeded to melt off the bed like she usually does until she gets up and goes to sleep again.

On the walk this morning she pooped again, but then here comes the worrisome part: It was wet and runny and she’d walk a few steps and try to poop a few drips, walk and drip and walk nd drip. We walked slowly and when we turned around, she tried to poop water again, except this time she couldn’t get her behind to stand up. Multiple times. I had to help. Came home, she wanted to see squirrels and got inside and up ok.

I was happy but worried again. Her spirits are high, but is her body failing more? She’s obviously not feeling pain as much. No matter what she needs to eat. And she did.

This is so hard. If she degrades more tomorrow, I’m going to have to make the call. We decided that because I need to make sure she doesn’t run around like she did last night, I’m not going to my grandma’s bday party tomorrow. The rear end weakness worries me a lot. I’m hoping it was just pain from the diarrhea.

She’s also starting to decide that she doesn’t want the medicine. I don’t think the side effects are fair for her to keep using them long term.

In other news, though, Gable acknowledged her this morning by smelling her butt. He always smells her butt, but he hadn’t done it the last few days. To me that means that she stopped wishing to die, but I know that she knows that the end is still hovering. She’s constantly whining like she wants to go do something. All night long. Like she realizes her time is short. On a normal day they’re always always sleeping, so there’s no real difference there.I am more and more convinced that it truly is a spine problem and not a muscle thing. That means that there is no real treatment besides costly surgery.

My baby girl. I’m glad you feel better and more comfortable.