I am fat

And it’s driving me crazy. It’s not even sitting in one place, fat. It’s like, I’m going to spread myself evenly around like padding, fat, so that when I try to bend or stretch, it impedes my movement. But the worst part, is that I must be well into Storage Mode, because I’m eating twice the amount of food necessary. Something about storing up for winter, methinks. I’ve been trying to cut my portions and rid the house of snacks, but I keep defying the portion control rules and then eating cookies, telling myself that I need to get rid of the bad stuff before I start getting back into shape again, otherwise it won’t work. In part, I’ve not done nearly as much yardwork as I usually do given the weather, the inability/lack of desire for going south, is a major hurdle too. Not to mention that since my dogs are older and have health issues, I’ve been averse to long park walks with them, with the fear of being unable to carry them back to the car in case something happens. Lots of excuses, not much action. Always excuses.

In other news, I’ve been hard at work this past weekend doing pretty much nothing but sewing for 3 days straight. That’s right. Sewing. Actually sewing with a sewing machine. Frustratingly, I’ve not made much progress…but I’ve learned quite a bit and have a very newfound respect for seamstresses and sewing as an art. Extremely useful skill, but more complicated than it looks. There are lots of problem solving, planning ahead, details, remembering, patience, etc involved with all of this. What’s taking me so long is that since I have zero experience sewing, I decided to do a mock-up/practice round first before jumping into the final material in case I mess up. Basically, I’m doing it twice (or sometimes thrice) over. In this, like many other skills in life, practice makes perfect. The more I do it, the more I learn little tricks and what to and not to do. You have to make mistakes to learn. The stitches look awful in some places, learning how to push and pull the material, what is too much, what is too little, how to patiently press on the pedal instead of flooring it and having the thread fly everywhere. I constantly forget to back-sew which means that eventually my stuff will fall apart. How the cuts need to be spot on or it just looks bad and lopsided. Honestly, I’m terrified of doing the real deal now. Haha. But I know I’ll have to and I feel better now that I’m doing some practice runs. Extra helpful in this case because I’m free-handing everything from scratch. No patterns involved except for those I created myself specifically for these projects.

With all the pieces for Liana’s costume coming together, I’m getting excited for the real deal! She is a terrible, terrible, model, though. I thought Gable was bad. Also, she’s old and much more grumpy than she used to be when she was younger. It’s nice, when you’re doing costumes like this, to get input on the design from other people. My mom is appreciating quite a bit that I am suddenly interested in doing stuff like this and I can feel the creativity rising in her too. It’s been far too long since I’ve seen that in her. I have to ask her about how to do things because at this point she is the master and I am merely a novice. I have never, ever had the patience to do anything like this, even though she tried to teach us. Haha…I still don’t have the adequate patience to be a real sewing master (don’t know if I ever will), but I have enough to accomplish the project as a whole.

And then. what would the limit be?? Costumes for me??? Heck, I’ve not even gotten anywhere with my Samus costume. Mostly because I am dissatisfied with the parts that have been accomplished already. I want to redo them, just like I re-did the cardboard samurai helmet. I don’t know how people can work with cardboard. Yes, it’s easy to work with, and more supple than foam which means more intricacies can be accomplished with it, but the finished project is much more fragile and doesn’t look nearly as good. Case in point, I took a picture of both dogs wearing the old and new samurai helmets and they hated them, of course, so they both tried to get them off by rubbing them on furniture and walls. Liana managed to rip the cardboard one altogether, while the foam one is still intact. For the moment. Silly pups.

Major hitch in all of this is the lack of moolas. Major roadblock, without the greens, you know? Coupons, yes, but it still costs money! And time looking for that perfect design or material in hopes that you don’t mess up.

I’m really proud of myself, overall, though. Another to scratch off the bucket list. Let’s hope the end product turns out as well as I imagine it will be.

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When is DST ending?

It feels like it should be soon because these days I’m so sleepy when I wake up. My body and mind are up and down with the sun, like I was made to live on a farm. If the sun is rising, I’m up and awake. If the sun is down or dark, I’m sleepy and ready to dream. Makes for a dangerous drive at night. I can night drive if I’m somewhere in town with lots of lights, but if I hit any stretch of darkness, the eyes just start closing on their own.

According to some research, DST ends November 5th this year. Ugh. Another month. I got confused at first because the internet pulled up Australia and not the US and they were saying their DST starts in November and ends in April. I’m like, wait, what? I thought it was the other way around?

Liana is a tough case…she is clearly in distress when she gets her muscle spasms, but other than the spasm, the seemingly pins and needles, the agitation whatever it is causes her (she’s been chewing and tearing things up), she’s perfectly fine. She walks fine; she’s a little stiff in the mornings but contrary to her neck slipped disc last time, the discomfort seems to get better the more she moves as opposed to worse. She doesn’t like to stand for too long, but she runs and sprints around the house no problem. She moves up and down stairs like she always has. She’s been playing with Gable. Her neck is not the issue here. No pain screams, but discomfort in the hack half of the her body. I’m completely confused and it throws my initial thought of it being a nerve thing into disarray because it’s not always acting like one. At this point I’m not sure if it’s spine or something internal. Her appetite is normal…actually, better than it used to be. She wants to EAT. Possibly that is more concerning than her physical symptoms. Like I said, I don’t know if it’s spine, internal, or both. Sometimes I swear it’s neuropathy, and others I think it’s her organs or muscles.

As much financial struggling as I have going on right now, I can’t get around that need to get her to the vet…needed to have gone on Monday. I think I’ll call them when I get home tonight and schedule for Monday. …I don’t want bad news, but I don’t want to make something treatable worse. I guess I’ll just be in debt and watch my credit keep drowning.

I don’t know how I’m going to finish doing the yardwork at the other house. It just occurred to me that I have never been there without a dog with me. Honestly, I wouldn’t ever want to. What a hollow feeling that would be.

This is when one makes the argument against having pets. If I didn’t have them, I I’d be that much richer. If I didn’t have them, I’d be traveling. If I didn’t have them, the house would be so much bigger. Then again, if I didn’t have them, I’d have not bought my car, my house, went on all those trails, had all those laughs, learned to love, learned to care, learned patience, learned what really matters in life. My heart would still be stone. Also I probably would have had an aneurysm by now or a stroke.

I feel a poem coming on. Haha.

 

Liana Update

It almost seems worse today, especially this morning. I remember why I didn’t want to finish the Gabapentin like the vet strongly recommended I do with her neck: it makes her eyes crazy and instead of sleeping (it’s supposed to be a sedative) she wanders around all night/day instead, unable to relax, pacing. When I stopped giving it to her (didn’t make sense because of how it’s supposed to work) she seemed to relax better.

I dreamed about her pain. I got up in the middle of the night because I heard a dog walking around and went to find her. I think she was in pain? It’s weird because half of the time she seems extremely healthy, and even seemingly TOO energetic (sprinting around, galloping, running up and down stairs, stretching, excited for walks, being VERY strong on the walks, very strong appetite), while the other half sees her sensitive when I touch the part of her back, tired, nervous, seemingly scared, uninterested in people moving around, easily tired on walks. She didn’t budge when my sister left yesterday, just lay there sleeping, but when it was food time she was strangely overstimulated and once again finished every last bite.

This morning on the walk she was unsteady (I had to catch and support her because her back leg wasn’t having it), tried hard to keep up with us, but at the same time had the enthusiasm of 10 dogs, kicking and galloping and just working around the bum leg. I had to ask her to slow down and she was adamant about smelling things. Such a strong dog when she wants to be. I was sad the entire walk, thinking about losing my girl (again), but obviously her will to live is still strong for the moment, and until she’s ready, I won’t do anything. As much as I have the prior experience to pull on, this one seems different…more confusing. While initially she was having issues putting weight on it and making the leg work, it almost seemed that the more we walked, the better it got. The medicine doesn’t seem to be working the same way either.

I’ve been toying with making a vet appointment tomorrow but I know how much it will cost because they’ll want another xray and my credit card debt has only grown, not shrunk. I’m struggling. Plus…if they tell me again that I need to get an MRI, I’ll just have to say that I literally can not afford the MRI not to mention any surgery they recommend. As my patient and I discussed, while it’s true they are like family, she’s still a dog, a pet. In  that way, I don’t want to know the truth because what am I to do about it, besides grieve? Then again, waiting until she’s in severe pain seems irresponsible.

I cut the walk short for her and decided to take Gable out by himself so that he could get the amount of exercise necessary for him and to not exacerbate her condition. Apparently that was a mistake. Not only was Gable not all that excited about going walking on his own (never say no, though), he seemed to want to go back home, like he sensed something (going faster and leading me directly home). When we walked in the door Liana was there with a terrified and relieved look on her face, breathing very very hard like she had been panicking and scared the whole time. Great decision making, mom.

Now they’re both lying in my room (after a slight quarrel because Gable likes to sprawl and not share his bed) both adorable. She’s breathing heavily, but I’m glad to have her in here with me.

Liana Pain Again

My heart dies a little more whenever something like this happens. I came home yesterday and she was acting strangely: super excited even after the walk (a little bit longer than usual but not too far, and she was very tired), kept coming up to me and trying to be really close, doing a weird thing where she was “scratching” her belly with her back leg while standing up. I went to see if maybe there was a tick or something she stepped on, but nothing. She was nervous and tried to rip a box, then when I was eating strudels, she wanted to eat it and came to lick the container when I was done with it and still holding it. She never does that. We left to get some tomatoes, then when I came home I thought they were really hungry because she acted that way, so I fed them early as I was preparing our food. She literally ran in and pranced and jumped, so excited for her food and ate it in record time, finishing every bite. Then she went out to lay down again and my brother tells me she does something weird when you touch her back. This morning I notice she’s walking extremely slowly outside, but trying hard to keep up when I look at her, just like it was before the unbearable pain last time. When I run my hand along her back, she kicks her leg when I get to a certain point (this time the lumbar region) like it hurts. She’s a toughie, too, so this time I’m going to listen…it’s good I decided to keep some medication around despite what the vet told me last time.

We were supposed to go south to take advantage of the weather and my mom’s rare Saturday off, but after much deliberation, we decided not to. I mean, if this is truly the last time she’d be able to make it back down there like she loves, will I regret the decision? She can still walk and jog and stuff, she just hasn’t started screaming in pain yet. However, why make it worse? I know when she goes down there, she’s going to want to run which will exacerbate it. I know what’s happening now, let’s nip it in the bud.

That ball of fear in my stomach. That sinking feeling. I felt a strong grief and sadness last night as my mind decided, unbidden, to revisit my past sorrows. I did ask them to wait until after our beach trip to get sick and do whatever. They’d kept their end of the bargain. Her birthday is less than a month away.

Gable is worried, but is now upset that we’re not going anywhere and he’s stuck again in the house.

At the beach

…but. Can’t actually get onto the beach because the only door to access the beach doesn’t actually open. Something is wrong with the mechanism whereupon you can turn the handle, but the thing doesn’t engage to open the door. We can get there via public access which we will have to do until it’s fixed (person is supposed to be coming at some point today…they said they’d notify them first thing in the morning, which is probably 9am and who knows how long after that it will take). Very frustrating to not be able to get out and enjoy the beach the moment we get here. My grandpa was very displeased as he loves sitting on the deck.

Another displeased customer is Liana. The instant she got here, she remembered what it was like and wanted to go out onto the deck as soon as possible, but alas. I took them out to the beach this morning and she’s just so happy.

Unfortunately, the other old man of the party, sir Gable, did not have a good trip down. He had worked himself up so badly the night before we left with all the packing we did that he threw up twice that night (meaning, no sleep for me) and then threw up multiple times on the car ride. Thankfully for everyone else I was driving by myself with them so I was forced to solo-endure the nauseating perfume of multiple instances of dog barf for 8 hours. He felt pretty bad and I was very worried about him collapsing. Of course he wouldn’t want to eat but I forced him to at least eat some broth, rice and chicken. He dislikes being force fed but he needed it. The instant he got out of the car and into the air conditioned house he was better. Actually the moment I pulled down the window and he got a whiff of the beach air he felt instantly better and perked up. He made it through the night without incident and today he is reserved, but he certainly feels better.

I was thinking in the car that this might be the last time I’m able to bring him here to the beach unless we have a van.

It’s so adorable to see Liana beyond herself with excitement. The recognition of THE BEACH is pretty awesome to see in her. Still afraid of the water rushing to her feet, while he’s a total pro with it all, but I know she secretly enjoys it.

I hope this maintenance person comes soon. The weather seems to be pretty decent for the most part this week. The hurricane probably won’t hit the area until next week.

Acid Reflux

I’m having some AWFUL acid reflux right now. Why? It’s all over Cheetos Paws. Uggggh. Why are they so GOOD but so BAD for me? I have to finish them, though. I figure a marathon eating will fix it. It’s been well known to me over the last few years that alcohol and corn chips of any sort provide massive revenge in the form of GERD.

My computer crashed the other day while I was showing my brother something on it. Good news is that he is a computer tech dude and right away worked to recover it, but basically had to format it all. My data was safe, though, because that’s what he does, but still. Apparently something had caused my primary hard drive to lock up? He suspects an attempted malware of some sort, at least I think that’s what he said. No matter what, I am very thankful to have it back. I went one measly day without it and I was very sad. VERY SAD. My co-worker asked me a while back why I still have a computer because she has zero need of one anymore. I responded that I use it very often. She returned with, how many times a week and I’m like, every single day, which is the truth. She gave me a skeptical look and then shrugged and said that tablets and phones are plenty for her. Yeah, I need a dedicated computer. That’s why I spent money on this laptop. No more sketch websites for me!

I’m starting to feel the pressure again about life. I had a great 2 months or so with no worries at all except what I was going to eat next and how fat I was getting. Mostly about how much of a blob I’ve become and not being able to pull myself away from my video games to do anything useful. I never even touched the costume thing since I first cut them out of pee pads. Now I need to find my bags to ready myself for the beach. Instead I’ve just been buying things left and right…and the usually when I’m doing that it’s because I’m trying to drown out something. I don’t need more stuff and I should be saving money.

Yesterday I was watching the end of Silent Hill something on TV and the father and daughter hugged and said goodbye and she walked off with her bf. I let the old feelings seep into my heart again and suddenly I was depressed and sad. Nostalgic and then resentful. I stayed back on Friday after we were done for like 40 minutes talking to my coworker about divorces and relationships and stuff and I let it out that I am jealous. Jealous of all the happy relationships around me, despite the divorces in our practice. All my coworkers’ families seem to be so happy; not only their immediate circumstances with husbands and boyfriends, but their parents too. I think I’m the only one in the practice whose parents are nasty divorced, aside from my female boss, but she’s old (haha), married and it doesn’t count. Unspoken of course, is my failed relationship, although his situation is worse than mine (another reason I’m glad we didn’t make it together, in retrospect…I don’t think he has a single clue about how a successful relationship works and no good role models either. Just anime and Korean dramas).

It starts to make me wonder if I, neither, have a clue how to a good relationship works.  I know I’m at a disadvantage coming in, but I tried to read everything and anything I could about how a good relationship is created, upheld and conserved. Then I tried to employ it, by making my goal to take care of my partner. The idea is, if both people try their best to make the other one happy with respect, care and time, then it should equal out. I understand there are factors involved, as there always are, but both goals are aimed for the benefit of the other more than oneself, it should work. Selfishness is the key to destroying a relationship. At least that’s what I’ve garnered.

But it only works if both sides are trying. That I know from experience. It doesn’t work if one person is more in love with himself than you. I’m somewhat selfish myself (and who isn’t, given that it’s your own life), but I loved him. I loved him with everything I could because that’s how I do everything. I would’ve done anything for him. Just wanted to see him smile and be happy. Maybe, I loved him too much and it was overwhelming. People aren’t dogs after all. I unconditionally love them and they unconditionally love me, so everything that I do or experience, I think of them. Always want to buy them toys, treats, etc, anywhere I go. I bought a car and house for them. They have at least 20 beds because I want them to be comfortable. I try to bring them  places because that means we go together and I know they love it. I wouldn’t dream of going on vacation without them. I’d do anything (within reason) for them. And what do they give me back? Just love. Lower blood pressure. Happiness. Poop. Vet bills. But I don’t care. Just like I told him: I don’t need any thing. I just want you. And I meant it. I just wanted him to think about me, to care about me, to do anything for me in return…but alas. Towards the end I realized what I’d known all along: if something bad happened, if he had to give up his life for me, even if he’d do it for a stranger, I don’t think he’d willingly give it up for me. Geez. I won’t even tell you how much money I spent on him over the 2 years. Just like my dogs, no matter what I did, no matter where I went, I’d always think of him. I always wanted to buy him things that would make him happy. I just wanted to be together with him.

I hope that’s not the wrong way to do it, because if it is, I’ll fail every time. And yes, I certainly understand the need for space, for even with my propensity to clinginess, I need lots of silence and space, myself. In fact, I just kicked Gable out for being clingy and farting up my room.

Speaking of dogs, they’ve been on an awful food strike for a week. He’s still going to do it, I think, but hopefully it’s coming down again. It stresses me out to no end when he does this. Then Liana does it too because I don’t know if they talk or not, but poor girl is terrified to eat all of the sudden. At least they both heartily ate last night. It sucks on another layer as he’s on antibiotics, so he’ll equate food with upset tummy which is actually being caused by the antibiotic. Also a bad time to change food which further takes a toll on the stomach. I was stressed and in a bad mood all day. I swear…this is absolute worst thing about owning greyhounds. And how did I get the super picky ones? Some greyhounds are perfectly fine with whatever. This is very last thing I ever expected would be an issue with owning dogs, and the MOST stressful of all. Medical issues? Separation anxiety? Vacation?  Training? Walking etiquette? House breaking? Nah. Simple stuff. But food pickiness? UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHH. Never ending, expensive and awful to deal with.

Projected list today: draw something, possibly laundry, look at eclipse, groceries, maybe costume stuff, find bags for the beach and start getting things together, think about what to make for dinner.

Sleepy.

I ate an entire container of watermelon on my own last night instead of working out. So of course I ended up having to pee in the middle of sleeping. Fun times.

Then I was wide awake at 6am for no real reason, just woke right up and tried to nap unsuccessfully for an hour until exactly 10 minutes before I had to get up. I get outside with my dogs and find a helicopter following us. Why is it that whenever there are helicopters outside they seem to follow us? I didn’t think too much about it and kept going. Unlike many other pedestrians in our neighborhood, I like to cut through green areas because Liana likes to look for squirrels and also that weird “walker” guy was out walking again this morning. Helicopter hovered directly over us the entire time I was making my way back to the sidewalk. Then it flew off and I notice a second chopper. Pick up after Liana and get ready to cross the road per as usual. The oncoming gold car was sooooo slooooow! I muttered to myself, “can you go any slower?” and when it finally passed us I was slightly alarmed to see a policeman in the unmarked car and looking carefully around for something. Oh. That makes sense. Helicopters are still circling above and I continue on my way, increasingly anxious, but of course the dogs could care less and eagerly smell and pee and such, probably picking up on my lack of control this morning. We move to go back home and I realize that a third chopper has been added to the mix. OK. Time to hurry home! Two ended up hovering in opposite sides of the neighborhood while one circles. At this point I’m going through scenarios in my head in the event that some criminal jumps out of the trees and shrubs I walk by. Inside the house! hurry! Doors locked? Good. Rush the usual bathroom routine and hear both dogs whining and then running upstairs. They’re worried. That’s good. Not. As soon as I finish my shower, though, the droning noise stops. Ah ok. They’re gone.

Makes me wonder if my alert wakefulness at 6am had anything to do anything.

My body hurts. And it’s fat. The beach is coming up soon. I’ve been extremely lazy. As I lay awake this morning, I resolved myself to start DDR again (the fastest way to lose weight, along with Just Dance) alongside the weightlifting. Let’s see what actually happens…

The crafty squirrels made it past a small lapse in defense around my tomato plant and TOOK MY BEAUTIFUL RED, ROUND FRUIT. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. My mom tells me that Liana found the pilfered and tarnished gem and was very proud of herself for finding it too. She really has established herself a job of protecting us and the property from critters of any type. She’s so cute! Speaking of cute, these two are well aware that there’s a baby in my sister’s belly. Especially Liana. :)

I can’t believe it’s only Thursday. What a week so far.

Looks like I’ll be cat-sitting for a week. If that’s what you refer to taking care of a cat for a friend. It’s kinda cool because I’ve never known anything about cats so this is a good chance for me to understand them better. I’ve been around cats in the past (musical peoples like cats…but in my experience, dogs do too. Mine are just very critical of your performance and prefer a real instrument to an electronic one) just never this close.

Yesterday as I was driving to work I think I would be locked into depression if I didn’t have a job to go to. To leave the house and interact with others. It always makes things better for me. Even walking the dogs when I get home is therapeutic in a way nothing else can be. The idea of working from home would be cool, but it’s not for me, at least long term.