FRIDAY!

And I still have my girl. Yesterday was the first day I stopped giving her meds altogether. That’s about 7 days post initial emergency. He spirit is good, her temperament is back to normal and the lucidity of her mind is natural. She is still mostly careful, so I’m assuming it aches/hurts. When she stretches the front legs now she does it very carefully, and going up a long flight of stairs takes some thinking. I’m glad for that. Her realism is heartening…though I know I have to keep an eye on things because she does get excited and then forgets.

Was talking to my brother last night as my mom worked night and will do so again tonight. I enjoy the nights she’s not here because it gives me some semblance of living on my own, plus working out actually happens. Unfortunately, though, he’s gotten into this annoying habit in the recent months of being a pain to talk to in the sense that he’s become very outspoken and won’t let anyone talk but himself. While his tune has changed from extremely naïve to just being inexperienced in life events, he still hasn’t experienced anything in life. He tries to make up for it by learning concepts, but rarely in life does anything work out ideally. And damn can he talk now! I mean, I’ll take that over what he came from, the depressed, surly sheeple person, but good gravy. Wanting to talk and being over-enthusiastic about joining in conversation is a tiresome mix. Wearying, that’s what it is. Drains you. Add that to wanting  to do something but afraid or unwilling to try, and it just turns into this obnoxious and futile conversation playout.

Today is M’s birthday. I sent him a card with a wind-up butterfly that will “fly” out of the card the instant you open it. I put a rather generic yet personal message in it like I would for my sister or brother, and signed it my first name since he never could bring himself to call me the name I wanted him to. He texted me on Wed to say he almost had a heart attack which made me happy to hear that it worked. I can’t help but remember his birthday last year where they invited me to come as a surprise and I was busy working on my vanity at home. I unfollowed him for a little on Facebook the other day because every time he posts anything there it’s, well, painful for me to read. He just seems so much happier and lighter now and it irritates and hurts me at the same time. I guess, being with me weighed him down so much and now without me his life is more enjoyable. I figured that by not seeing the posts I wouldn’t feel so bad, but I realize I still need to know how he’s doing. Maybe one day I’ll be able to see them without feeling anything but neutral like my other friends. I noticed, though, that he stopped posting anything about his car ever since I said it as a jab when we broke up. His friends also didn’t care much for the posts either, but I still hold much contempt for his car. That’s really what pushed me over the edge to break up with him. It might be petty, but I can’t help but resent it. I tried so hard to be happy for him finally getting a car for himself and a car he used to love so much too, plus being able to do things for it like a project to keep him occupied given how much he likes cars, but I still can’t. He posted so many pictures of it, spent so much time cleaning it, making it nice, buying all sorts of things for it, taking care of it…and yet never posted more than one picture of me (that I can remember, and from behind too), and never spent much time other than the very beginning trying to take care of me. No, I can’t be OK with that car. It stood for everything that was wrong with us, and not just because guys love their cars either because I can understand that. Just like having another girl on the side.

I was held hostage in the bathtub today by a million legger. Lots of bugs in the house this year! Going to have to clean and declutter soon, methinks…

Baby Girl Update

My arrival at home was heralded by my babies at the steps as usual, but my girl barked and woowoo’d at me which she has been unable to do with her neck problem. It always melted my heart to hear her happy to see me, but it is even more special now.  She was extremely excited and we went out on the walk. I told her to slow down because we don’t have to move so quickly. Gable even cut in front of me (he doesn’t do that because he’s not allowed to) to sniff at her, almost like warning her to calm down. She was so happy, though, no doubt because she felt normal again (medicine yesterday morning). Then tragedy strikes and not soon thereafter she yells and cries because her leg hurts. I rubbed her leg, but her face…her adorable little face…and she limps for the rest of the walk, her spirits crushed. We get back inside and usually they’re happy and hot so they lay there panting while Gable tends to want to play with toys, but she lies on her side right away and stays like that for the next 2 hours. Morose. Depressed. My heart ached at seeing that.

This is exactly what I was afraid of. That we give her the feeling like she’s all better, except she’s not and in all reality never will be the same again. I keep explaining to everyone that she’s just like me and that we’re all or nothing creatures; what’s the point of living when you have to hold back? This is a true spinal ailment.

And this morning she was very slow. Very slow. Plus her foot would drag on the sidewalk every so often.

Man. I hope she’s not giving up on life again…but then again, isn’t that her choice? I understand that, but others really don’t. I don’t want to prolong her life for my own selfish reasons if she doesn’t want to.

I’m going to try and let her go a day without medications.

Back To Work

I’m going back today…part of me doesn’t want to leave. Mostly, it’s because I have face people again. My coworkers, my patients who will certainly ask me about my dogs. It’s not like she’s dead, in fact she seems to be doing rather well. I did it again where I didn’t give her medication for the night…none this time. No yelping, no whining, nothing really. I did notice her slight limp when I woke up and she slowed way down the second half of the walk today, but her spirits are good and it could have been the humidity/heat.

The dread still hangs over me, creating a pallor on the days. It’s a major consolation to watch her roaching, melting off the bed, excitedly look at squirrels, rip up cardboard and try to bark/play with Gable. I know this injury won’t go away, though, and now (really after the 10 day follow up where I will further my financial death spiral) it’s mostly a waiting game. Waiting and cherishing her. Him too, honestly, because for all we know something’s going on with him that will suddenly wish to rear its head too. This is what happened, isn’t it? So focused on being alert with him that I didn’t even notice her.

Looking back on last Wednesday when this all went down, I was focusing on trying to get a temp into our office because I knew something was wrong and she needed to go see the vet. I was trying to entertain all the possibilities and stone myself for the worst. When my mom called me and sent me those pictures, I had to stay strong for those 2 patients, but it didn’t work all that well, and GOD, my heart…I thought my heart was going to stop. There was a sharp and then very dull, continual ache exactly where my heart is, but I was adamant that I wouldn’t get a heart attack before I got home to my baby girl.

Then looking further back and stepping out a little, the stress my heart has endured this year has been so much more than any other year of my life. Even the divorce and running away. I guess I should even include last September with Tristan. So yeah, it has been a year, because right around September was also when I started having major relationship trouble.

I think…I think all of this has changed me. I noticed that when I see my patients now, I’m not as happy, and I know they’ve noticed. I don’t care as much, I don’t talk as much, whereas before it was happy talking about anything and everything, whether it was dogs or not. Idiot doesn’t help either. Now I’m just a depressive lump.

I dunno. I just feel weary. I’m 30 years old. Only 30. I’m tired. I’m somewhat depressed. I’m stuck. All of these things together make up life, I realize that. Maybe I’m not as adaptable or as strong as I always thought I was. Or maybe I’m just less strong now. Taking punches from all sides. I wonder if it was just one big event to focus on, if it would be easier to take. It’s like an acid attack on your teeth…doesn’t matter it’s always a 24 minute window with each attack. Once I got hit last August-ish, it will wane, then WHAM, wane again, BOOM, wane some more, etc. Very short respites of true happiness and plunging right back in to the fray.

Maybe this is why I feel I need someone to share all of this with. That it’s too much for me. You get to a certain age and then you no longer can be independent? Is that it? Life events like tragedy all hit people around a certain time in their life, so I know I’m not special in this, but I’ve never had the feeling like I need someone else to be my strength for me. I always did it myself and had no problem with it. In fact, I was very proud of needing no one but myself. This brain must understand this hence the strong desire to find a mate, and my heart is just silly. Not only can it not let itself go again, yet, but it still holds the dreamer idealism that is core to me.

I guess, I can’t escape nature. Companionship, partnership, reliance. Who knew they were so important? I never did.

Sans meds

Only one yelp last night because she was roaching. So it seems she is OK…she was very quiet, much less whining and whimpering. I did notice she was careful, though, so it might hurt again and she doesn’t want to show it. Her clarity of mind seems much better. I’m going to continue giving her the medicine in the mornings, especially since I have to go back to work and can’t be there for her.

I can only speculate why and try to reason out whether and why the muscle relaxer would not or be beneficial. The Gabapentin, I already know the side effects and risks for.

My mind has started coming up with how to describe myself in my profile for online dating. It is an unwelcome thought process for my heart which wants nothing to do with it, but my brain decided that it wants to think about it, so it has been.

Dreamed about work this morning…I guess my body knows it’s time to go back. Thankfully for me I hadn’t been dreaming about it at all. Buh. Back to it, it seems.

I just finished writing a birthday card for M. In it, there’s a windup butterfly that’s supposed to fly out when the card is opened. …it’s the last surprise I had planned for him. I’d bought the butterfly at the very beginning of May when I’d begun thinking about a suitable gift for his birthday. I felt nothing but nostalgia for him, writing it, happy memories writing him cards and thinking about him finding it in the mail. Likely he’ll get it and not react the way I hope he will, but I’d been planning this for 2 months, so I wanted to follow through. I feel no deep-rooted hatred or resentment or any negative feelings towards him. Just sadness and hope for his future…and for mine.

Last year he bought me the Garmin fitness tracker. I loved it because he bought it for me. I love everything he gave me because he gave it. It worked really well and I showed it off and used it…and then 3 months or so later, it died. Straight up died. I guess I hadn’t taken care of how I was charging it and forgotten about it at times and threw it around. Then one day it just stopped working. I didn’t tell anyone and just stopped wearing it altogether because it occurred to me that it was an omen for our relationship and I didn’t want to think about it. Well. It was a rather accurate predictor of what would happen to us.

It’s just scary how accurate my predictions are in general. Thoughts will just play themselves out in my mind unbidden…kind of like someone is whispering in my ear or warning me. Thoughts that I won’t necessarily want to think about. For instance, the other day watching them run and thinking, wow this might be the last time I see them do this, ever, I can’t miss it for the world. Or, Hmm, I’m feeling like I might lose a dog before we go to the beach. Even, there’s going to be a cop around here somewhere, better not speed despite the idiot tailing me from behind, and BOOM, there they are.

These probably could be chalked up to good prediction algorithms in my head, but still. I trust my gut. Maybe you should too. LOL. Now why won’t it tell me the winning jackpot numbers…

 

Ha

Father’s Day…

Too bad I never had fond memories of this day. I am happy for those who had a wonderful day venerating the ones who provided half of their chromosomes, truly I am, but for me? Nah. Only memories of ungratefulness, complaining and tension.

Spent all day playing video games again, mostly because it prevents me from spending money and honestly what else do I have? I technically have the ability to do something more productive with my time, more creative, but none of that is appealing to me given my mood lately. I have ideas, but they’re just that.

On the Liana front, she was very happy today! She roached, wipey-faced, stretched a bit, and even went to tear a box! I played a tiny bit with her this morning because I was playing with Gable and she wanted to play, but remembered that she couldn’t, so I found a squirrel toy and she played a bit. I…still feel awful about what will happen after we run out of medications. She has this potentially false positivity to life again and it will be many times worse if it all goes to hell again. So tonight, I decided to try not giving her 2 of the medications. I only gave Rimadyl. We shall see what happens, though I know that it will take more than 12 hours for them to out of her system fully. Maybe she’ll be able to sleep better. If she was a human at least she would understand that after the medications things might still not ever be the same…but she’s not. She’s a dog and I can’t make her understand. I wish I could. I mean, even with the medications she’ll still forget and scream…she did that today after all those cute things she was able to do again because she stretched just wrong and cried until mama came to rub her shoulder again. I keep telling her to take it easy and be careful, but…how to make her understand. Sigh.

This biological clock won’t leave me alone. Guh. Why is it so prevalent? Probably doesn’t help when I play video games like Mass Effect…ironically in ME: Andromeda, which I am probably about 3/4 of the way through now, I messed up and turned down pretty much all instances of romance except one. The one I was trying to pursue is not interested in a relationship…I only have one prospect left. Figures. It’s just like real life. The one I want is not interested in me. Only likes me. And now I’m sorely running out of options and time. Oh well, such is the lonely life of a Pathfinder, I guess. Good friends, loyal comrades, but alone.

It’s funny, all of those who my friend and I speculated about future marriages/relationships are in relationships or marriages. Happy ones too it seems. Did I really put out an air of contentment and happiness in mine? No one seemed to have a clue the pain and drama that had been going on. It came as a shock to literally everyone. Well…I used to think that if so and so can do it, so can I. Ha. How conceited I am.

Not that anything matters…my life situation isn’t and won’t change for a little while. In fact it keeps getting more interesting and more complex. Whether I’m in or out of a relationship, nothing can really happen right now. Nothing can come of anything. Too many tie downs, no way out. I’m miserable. Just miserable.

At least I have my health and I’m alive.

Do I ever think of anything else anymore besides relationships and my dogs? When will I be happy again?  I put up a façade but inside…well. Nothing really. Haha. I’m not actually depressed. I’m not actually happy. I just feel…rather neutral in all things.

I’m stagnant. My life is stagnant. If there’s a lesson to be learned in all of this, I have no idea what it is. To make myself stronger inside? To not take things for granted? Enjoy what I have because it could easily be even worse? Not to be hasty because that’s how I cause myself stress and grief? To just go with the flow? Don’t think too hard?

HAH! How many times have people tried to tell me not to think? It’s IMPOSSIBLE. If my mind is not working or thinking I might as well be dead. Makes me wonder sometimes if my brain is normal active or more active than the normal person. Then, do people really have nothing on their minds? How is that possible? I’m pretty darn sure too that my brain activity has nothing to do with current technology…well. I’m sure that has something to do with how it is working in this moment in time, but I mean naturally. Like if you took away my phone and computer and TV and just handed me old school print materials like books, paper, pencil or musical instruments or toys. I can’t just take naps (heck my brain works hard even when I sleep. If you don’t believe me go read my dream blog), though I do enjoy a good lie on the grass outside (with bug spray on preferably). Even then my mind is occupied with relativity or coming up with questions/realizations about nature.

Sigh. I miss having a second half, someone I can share my heart with. My thoughts, worries, ideas. Not that I could do that with M, but he proved to me that I actually want a partner in crime. That I really do like having one. More sighing.

Post?

It’s  kind of nice that I didn’t post yesterday, huh? Means that my emotions, thoughts and feelings are getting more stable? Nah, just that I was actually preoccupied and not so lonely.

I woke up this morning with my eyes weird again. Must have been crying in my sleep. I wasn’t crying when I fell asleep, for the record. I’ll have to update the dream blog after this.

It is freaking HOT. Already!!! Crazy how the temperature extremes are here to stay. It was just 60ish and BOOM. 90+. And humid. Awfully humid. You can always tell how oppressive the heat is by looking at Liana. She wilts horribly in the heat given her black fur and she was dragging hard this morning almost instantly.

My body is rebelling something crazy, haha. Paaaaaaainnnn. Muscle pain. Stifffffff. Pretty good feeling overall, but it’s a little difficult to walk.

Had a discussion with a patient on Thursday basically about how some people have a body type that is not made for endurance. We both think we share the same body type, except that she doesn’t have the muscle cramping issues. She also has muscle achiness for days afterwards as opposed to others who are fine after day 3. See??? I’m not crazy. I do feel like I’m more made for strength, bursts of intensity. DEFINITELY not endurance.

Gable cracks me up. Liana and I will spot little critters quickly and she’ll start sneak-attack mode, stalking them quietly, but Gable will look around and obliviously not see anything until about 3 or so feet away from said creature and then his face exhibits a significant change into hunter dog and ZOOM, foiling any sort of stealth advantage Liana has. Speaking of dogs, my old guys yesterday melted my heart. I was preparing to leave after (finally) finishing the paint (was trying to get it done fast so I could leave before the the crowds, but I forgot it’s veery damp there in the mornings so I had to wait for the sun to come up and dry the wood….plus the cedar planks are seriously thirsty and omg that’s a lot of varnish it absorbs) and let them out for pee break. Instead, they decided to both flop on the ground and enjoy the grass and sun. Seeing how content they were I had not the heart to ask them to get up so we stayed a little while longer. It was truly a wonderful feeling, reminding me of when we’d say, “5 more minutes” when we had to leave for home or something. Those extra 5 or 30 minutes meant the world to us.

Then of course, it got me thinking of the brevity of life. How little experiences, little actions like waiting another few minutes for my loved ones are so poignant yet easily taken for granted. The little things really make life. They’re so much more significant than their face value because as a whole, they add up to equal if not more than the major life things. They shouldn’t be sweated individually, but should not be glossed over either.

On hot days I don’t want to do anythinggggggg. Not that I do much to begin with, lol. My life is boring.

My hand is killing me from holding that paintbrush. I hope it gets better before tomorrow. Stiff hands trying to do hygiene is very difficult.

Made it

Without crashing or stalling my brother’s car. Whoo!

I’m also $300 poorer. Turns out the A/C was 30% low on Freon, explaining the lack of coolness.

My dogs are adorable. We went to the park on Sunday and it has been at least 2 years since I attempted the stepping stones (really large concrete blocks) across the little creek/stream with them. The last time I did it, not only was it hotter out and the water level higher, but Liana was just terrified. This time I got them both on the blocks, took off the leashes and made them wait as I took pictures, but instead of being worried, she was busy following her nose. You can see the progression of the pictures as she looks down and then jumps right into the water. As soon as she did, Gable followed suit, but he followed alongside the blocks as I crossed as opposed to her who was busy wandering out to deeper water deeply sniffing a stone. Took her a  little while to pry herself away from it and I could tell she wanted to go even deeper. Silly. Some man was standing on the bridge watching so he started talking to me about his dog as I was self-consciously trying to re-leash the pups. Amazing how suddenly she’s so comfortable. It really and truly is a treat to see her open up like she is now. Worth every inconvenience and penny it takes to own these guys. Rehab is hard but the payout is like a million bucks. She knows that love her…not just love her, but love her. English doesn’t have the different types of love like other languages do.

My life is back to being boring, but maybe this boringness is good because I’ll actually be able to pull out of me that creativity again. Hopefully. It’s still locked up tight and having a hard time coming out as I continue to battle with my heart. Doesn’t help either that I really need to get the stuff DONE at the other house. This weekend has nice weather plus my sister is gone so I’m going to make the most of it and try to cram as much work into it as possible.

My creative goals:

  • Learn how to sew!!!!!! I’ve been trying to do this for years on end, but never been able to get around to it because of lack of space.
  • More RW. Gosh. Given that the last year and a half has made it not a gaming comic as a relationship comic, it’s been extremely hard to get back into it. I have a few Zelda ones but I don’t know why the creative juices refuse to flow. I must. MUST open that valve or find that key again. Where is it?? Work through his puzzle.
  • Poem. I wanted to write a poem about how I feel. Or poems. I rather like them. Can’t bring myself to do it, though.
  • Play more music. Haven’t been doing that at all.
  • Even Project AoWaM has been put on hold. Geez.

The lack of desire. Is. Debilitating. Depression? I want to be happy again. Must force myself to sit down and just let it out. These days I’ve been drowning myself in video games or TV instead of doing anything else.

OK. I’m going to make myself to think of ideas during the day when my mind starts wandering. I think I used to do that. Always thinking of the next comic or idea.