Maybe I should just stop saying things

Remember how I said I’d stay home this past week I had off from work in an attempt to limit how many bad things could happen to me? Well. Bad Luck still found me anyways, where I’ve been: at home.

  1. We had lots of rain and wind and stuff this July 4th week and I mentioned that I was just waiting for the gutter to fall down because it was. So I hammered it back in and tried to reset the part that  the squirrels keep knocking off.
  2. The tree in the back of our house has a major split in it and so I ended up calling some tree people to come and take a look. They did and told us that given the crackline, it’s better to just take the whole thing down because the prognosis is poor to hopeless for survival. After looking again at the tree…he’s right. If the crack went a little more left, it’d be more possible to save the tree, but it’s not. It’s going right down the midline of the trunk. Not only that but after he left us an estimate, we were discussing it all and I realized that the tree has probably been dying since at least last year. The leaves have been coming down more and more in the summer and not only that but the dying AND living leaves all have brown spots on it. Furthermore starting last year-ish our own plants on the deck have been developing infections/diseases and ultimately either dying off or showing very stunted growth. More than likely, there is a connection to the dropping leaves and progressively sickly plants. Even the split in the trunk looks diseased and it’s amazing the speed at which it’s been cracking. The tree is giving up. I wonder if it’s Gable and his toxic pee. Either way it needs to go before it takes out our neighbor’s fence and deck or our roof, especially with hurricane season quickly approaching.  20170709_091633_HDR
  3. This morning, after taking the dogs out to the park, I took a shower and found it to not have any hot water. My mom had the same issue so I had this awful feeling and ran down to the water heater. Pilot light not lit, so I try over and over to try and light it, but to no avail. Plumber called and he comes (this is a Sunday, mind you) and what seems to be a straight up and easy fix…you guessed it…turns out to be much more serious. Replace the whole water heater. I read people, remember? He tried really hard to fix it too. I kept trying to read him to see if he was just playing it up, but I don’t think so. He’s coming back tomorrow to replace the whole unit. He really didn’t want to try and fix it, I could tell, like the water heater itself wasn’t worth it. Then in talking with my mom, we remembered back when the HVAC was replaced the guy had mentioned that we should think about replacing the water heater too. At the time it had just been replaced by the previous owners and we didn’t have any problems so we just forgot about it. Boom. Now we wonder why he would have recommended that given the HVAC was replaced in 2011 when we bought the house and the water heater was placed either 2010 or early 2011…both men seemed to think very little of the unit. Ugh. Once again the previous owners screwed us over.

This is quite a bit of money. QUITE a bit. No more taunting this chicken. I need to find Boubar the Chicken statuette to put on our porch. This is the reason I decided to not go to the other house; I’d just spread my bad luck even further and I literally cannot afford that.

Took my dogs to Bull Run this morning, a park that they have not yet been to! Gable was adorable, my big trailblazer dog. It has been a while since I’ve seen him that excited. Unfortunately there was lots and lots of mud, so I wasn’t able to enjoy my time as much as I usually am able to, because I was busy picking my way around the muck. Made the poor decision to walk down a muddy slope against my better judgment and I should have listened to my gut. Nature’s slip’n’slide  that’s for sure. It’s amazing how 4 legs make navigating that kind of terrain much easier. Going back up was crazy hard and while I was scrabbling awkwardly on 4 appendages, my dogs were perched goat-like on the muddy slope like, what are you doing? Yaaaa. At least gnats and mosquitoes aren’t big fans of mud. Toughing it out in nature is still enjoyable to me, though. If I had used DEET bug repellent and waited for a drier day, I might have been able to go further, but we turned around. Still very enjoyable. I’ve been trying a natural bug repellent and found that not only does it wear off quickly, but you need a thick layer of it otherwise the bugs find the thin spots and start the feast.

 

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My most valuable and dear belongings

 

I’ll be spending yet another day playing video games as we wait for the installation and the advent of hot water. You know, with all this talk of moving, we keep updating/replacing everything. Why are things made better before you move out of a place so that someone else can enjoy your hard earned money? Bah. Houses.

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On a Roll

I’ve been on a roll this week, locating infections/abscesses. Let’s see how it holds up the rest of the week! Also, my boss has been extremely annoying. As my co-worker expressed, this is the kind of week that makes you want to look for another job. So I was checking out Craigslist yesterday morning and I remembered why I didn’t want to look for another job. That old problem I have where I feel like I should be working more hours is cropping up again. The ulterior motive there is that working interviews are the best for getting your foot in the door without having to job search. However, I absolutely hate temping and I’m still not sure how I feel about working more hygiene hours given my hands. If I did work the full 40 hours, though, I could afford the house that I want…a really good incentive. My body would hate me to kingdom come and it would allow me even less time to enjoy what I work so hard to acquire. It wouldn’t be too bad if I didn’t have dogs because I love spending time with them… I’m still extremely reluctant to give up my lazy life-enjoying lifestyle, but saving money would be really nice.

I couldn’t sleep this morning around 1:30-2:45ish AGAIN. Man last night…talk about polyuria. I’m not sure exactly why but I had to pee like crazy. I never have to do that! It’s not like I drank that much either. I swear I get abducted by aliens at night or something.

I’m a hasty person. I’m impatient. I understand this. I also understand that having patience in life is essential and things like to come about on their own time. However, there have been many instances where I’ve had to make the call and initiate things when they really aren’t moving. When it the right time to make a move? When is it not? That fine line is quite fine. Lying awake this morning my brain was just overwhelmed by how slow my life is moving. Nothing is happening at an ideal pace. Money is slipping through my hands faster than water through a sieve, house, relationships, time. While time is moving too quickly, it moves too slowly too. I have a long list of grievances that I’ve been holding in and know I should just keep waiting, but WHY?? …because it makes no logical difference to release it all. Nothing will change. Nothing CAN change until next year. Everything is stagnant. I feel like I’m an electron in a padded room trying to break free but running into obstacles from all sides…even if I make it past the door, it’s too early and can only mean disaster.

Being hemmed in, enclosed, incarcerated, only able to look out at things is the worst possible feeling for a soul like mine. Life doesn’t change, people don’t change, no progress is possible. UUUUUUGGGGGHHHH. My brain needs a challenge. Something to overcome and to focus on. A short term goal to stay preoccupied with. No one else has such an active mind like mine, in my life. I’ve worked on staying content my whole life, but like I’ve mentioned before it needs to break out. I need someone to help me with that. But the big problem there is I have too much to lose and can’t do anything too risky.

I’m going to go crazy. I need someone to help me. Where is my hero? When will he come?? Someone who understands me, understands this and isn’t intimidated by it, and rather knows how to channel it, to calm me down and help me utilize it. Without the need for too much money. Please come soon.

It is FREAKING COLD

What a strange winter!!!! After hitting 80 in February we’re forecasted to receive our first and probably final major storm for this winter…coming up ton Monday to Tuesday! That forecast varies wildly from 4 inches to 20 inches. Basically (as usual) only time will tell. What I’ll tell you is that I’m getting my groceries and other errands done tomorrow. Ain’t gonna want to do dat on Sunday…especially because I’m working on Monday. Got paid today! Maybe we’ll be getting days off next week which will wreck havoc on our work schedule. Looks like I might have to be ferrying my mom around to or from work again, though this year my brother is quite capable of doing it too! And no doubt he’ll be out and about trying to drive in it. Honestly I’m excited!! I like to have at least one good snow.

Idiot at work today was unusually quiet (for the most part…) and I caught her telling herself to stop doing something. I swear she has some real anxiety issues or some disability or something. No matter what, it translates to a surprisingly bearable day today. Plus, traffic was light due to the weather no doubt and it was pretty watching the ice/snow/sleet come down on and off all day today. On top of it all everyone was pretty chill and nothing crazy happened at all. Very nice. Got some great conversations in with patients and several co-workers. Love getting social like that, you know? Especially around people I care about.

It’s the time of year again for CE credit courses!!! Every year I tell myself “next year I’ll do it early” and then March rolls around again and “d’oh!” I am and always have been a good student. It doesn’t take long for me at all to do these and I really do love to learn/re-learn subject matter. It feels good, too, to find out that I “still got it, ” though I will admit that focus is much harder. In particular tonight because….

…of the post I wrote this morning. While it’s the truth and it’s how I feel, I wanted to elaborate on it a bit. Whenever I have not enough time, things never end up getting described the way I’d like it be described. Yes, I do feel that way. It’s just like my hygiene graduation 7 years ago: what should have been a joyous and happy affair…really wasn’t. That time it was because I knew what we were about to do: pack up and run away from my dad, thereby starting the divorce process. It overshadowed every happy aspect of it. This time, I should be elated because my boyfriend is about to achieve his goal of attaining his dream job…and I truly am, I just know that the shadow of our relationship hanging by the end of that thread is floating there.

It’s not a set in stone, once it’s done we’re over thing, it’s just when our agreement ends. Haha…ironically it’s like we were married for 6 months. Just that we weren’t living together. Held together through all the currents and waves and tribulations by a mere oath. I will say, that holding on like that was a real eye opener. Through all of it I came to realize (as I mentioned) that I really did and truly continue to love him…possibly greater and certainly deeper than it ever was. Deeper in the sense that it’s not just a passing phase, it’s the real deal. I know I’ve mentioned my undying love for him constantly in past posts, but looking back on these 6 months I think I finally found the true meaning of love. I also think I’ve started to crack that relationship code…to comprehend what makes a relationship work, what it entails and feeds it, what kills it, what makes it tick. How a 2-person team should operate together as one. Well, I guess I should specify our relationship as each individual relationship is different. I’ve certainly learned to respect him, something reserved only for people I hold in very high esteem…obviously not readily doled out on my part given my cynical and highly critical tendencies.

Sigh. Even though it’s not set in stone, I fear that it will indeed come to pass anyways. I dread it, I grieve prematurely for it, I’ve tried to dull the inevitable pain. Through it all there’s that hope in me, a single light of hope, that somehow we can work out. That I don’t have to part from him. That I can just love him forever and be for him that one that he couldn’t find…I had two goals in our relationship: to bring him happiness because he deserves it,  and, like I mentioned, to be the one that lasts forever and through it all. Lofty goals, I now realize. Lofty and rather selfish. I never asked him if that’s what he wanted, I only assumed it. Making assumptions again without clear evidence.

No matter what, I’ve already told myself that I’ll respect whatever decision he’s made and whatever he wants to do in terms of our relationship. If I had it my way I’d keep him forever and make him marry me. heh heh. I’m not saying that all of the sudden we’ll live happily ever after the fabled “marriage” because I know that’s not how it all works. That is the subject for a different post. What I am saying is that given my way, I choose him to wrangle that part of life out with, but only if he’ll have me. If not, then that’s how it is. No hard feelings, no resentment. Maybe we’ll be able to remain friends. I always wondered why men and women can’t stay friends, and I’ve read that lovers who remain friends can only do so if they never loved each other or if they’re still in love with each other. I’ll take it. I’ve already lost him once. I told myself I wouldn’t lose him again. After that first time I really just wanted to be friends with him, not to pressure him into a relationship…it just turned that way anyways. All I know is in some shape or form, I always want to be in touch with him.

Sigh. It hurts. It hurts so much. Again. It never gets less painful. Then come the dreaded tears. Always with the tears. I guess I can’t help it.

The Gable Files

Yesterday morning started like any other (sounds clichéd but clichés are typically cliché for a reason…). I got up after a 10 hour day of filling in for one of the other hygienists, glad that I didn’t volunteer to do the same thing the next day (was going to, but something told me not to…good thing too. Always trust that gut). I had slept well so I was relaxed and woke up a few minutes earlier than normal. Walked the dogs. Routine stuff. Dogs poop, dogs pee and we head home. Right at the 3/4 walk mark, Gable starts falling back and to the ground and whimpering. I look back and usually when he does that it’s just a gumball stuck in his foot. Did the usual sweep and realized to my horror that between his toes was a GIANT squishy, red mass. Walking was painful and I kept dragging him forward, because he’s, well, 82 lbs and Liana was on the other side. Quickly quickly come one Gable! Then he falls down again and BOOM it erupts and blood flies EVERYWHERE. His face and everywhere. The pain it caused him but all I could do was force him to walk home. He had trouble getting up the stairs and the instant he got in he  ran for his bed. Blood. Blood and more blood. I yelled for my mom to come help me, my panic level at full power. Going over work, vet in my head. I put pressure on it but it didn’t seem to do anything and the blood just kept gushing and gushing out. I called work in a panic and then the vet. They get me in at 8 and so I task my mom with Gable as I take the fastest shower ever and clean up. She was able to get him to lay down and cleaned his face, but she couldn’t get it to stop either. We wrapped it up and I left for the vet. Thankfully there was no traffic. As we got there I saw that the blood was ignoring the bandage. We go in and each step he took was blood. They rush us in and the Dr. cuts off the bandage, but he’s uncooperative because it’s painful. Blood EVERYWHERE, so much blood and it wasn’t stopping. At first she thought it was just a cyst but given the anticoagulation they took him back for sedation and put an herbal in it. She sent me to the emergency vet, suspecting hemangioma. I came in with the worst possible scenario playing out in my head and how much it would cost. I knew I wouldn’t be able to afford it, but what choice did I have????

So I go and manage to get lost. It’s in Manassas and I ended up in Bristow and Nokesville. PLUS it’s amazingly difficult to get into so I managed to park behind it walked into the wrong office first. Once again everywhere we went it was just blood. Blood in my car, blood on the sidewalk. Blood. Blood. Blood. They had to clean everything. They rush him to the back and after a quick preliminary exam, Dr. Henderson comes out to talk to me. Said he was a very good dog, that it was a lot of bleeding. She was surprised when I told her it popped up overnight because he was perfectly fine the day before. My brother had seen something on his feet so I had examined each foot with no problems. My sister hadn’t even seen anything. She went to talk to the specialist and start preliminary blood work. As I was sitting in an exam room I could hear them say all hands were on deck, and repeated mention of “Gable” or “the greyhound.”

The waiting. Oh the waiting. I hate waiting. Waiting allows for all sorts of thoughts. And that active thought process is what causes depression. That is my problem. Tears. Games. I was throwing out Facebook updates every few minutes. It was the only way I had to help cope with things. I finally remembered work too as I got to the emergency vet. Work has been a disaster this week.

Finally she comes back in and they want to go right into surgery as the bleeding hasn’t let up at all even coagulant medications and such. I give the go-ahead, fill out paperwork. They go over money with me and it’s staggering, but they didn’t anticipate the higher end of the estimate. At that point he’d been bleeding for 5 hours straight. I go back and say goodbye before they put him under. At first he didn’t even register that I was there. He was in pain, scared and who knows what else he was thinking. Finally he sees me and I didn’t want to hold anyone up, so I leave. What else is there to do for 12 hours?

I go home, but for the rest of the day I am restless. GOD I was restless. Tried to stay busy cleaning the blood off things. My mom was also keeping herself busy to keep the worry away. I’m so glad she was home yesterday because Liana didn’t know what was going on. She was worried. Tried to eat food. Dr.’s first call says he was out of surgery. It wasn’t a tumor. It wasn’t well defined enough. Turns out it was this giant blood clot with a strange consistency like a balloon, granulation tissue in there too probably back from the race track. No bone involvement, but the BLEEDING. She’d keep me updated but his blood pressure came back up. Tried to watch TV. Tried to play video games. Then M texts me and I jump on him to unload. I feel bad about that now. He felt useless and didn’t know what to do. More tears. I overload him. Phone calls. She calls me again to say the foot is still oozing…not nearly as much as it was, but she needed my permission to proceed more aggressively with blood transfusions for clotting factors. She was very cognizant of cost, but I was already so far in…WHY NOT. And I was obviously not doing well from worry. I just wanted him home and better. I’d be in later to see him.

THE WAITING AGAIN. Always the waiting. 7pm could not come fast enough for me. Had my brother take me since it was so dark out. I go in and get to see the donor greyhounds. The first one jumps on me and licks my face. The other was busy being uncooperative in the back as I make my way over to Gable. He was heavily drugged, but when he saw me he tried to get up and out. Got him to lay down, and spent the next hour just sitting there with him. I could see him feel relieved to see me. My Velcro dog can’t even stand when I’m away overnight. Brought a toy for him. I get up to leave with high hopes for the transfusion. I get to see the uncooperative donor greyhound on the way out and he jumps even more enthusiastically onto me licking my face than the first one (who was now back there being amazing). Drive home feeling much better than I had been all day.

I go to sleep and drift in and out all night long. I wake up with my eyes completely encrusted with sleepies, so I can only assume I’d been crying in my sleep. I vaguely remember trying to feed him in my dream. I try to nap some more, but it wasn’t coming to me so as I was contemplating calling the emergency vet for details, they call me to say Dr. Smith wants to discharge him! The transfusion worked! I walk Liana, shower, and clean up and head on over. Got to talk to the Dr. They go over discharge info and medications and out comes my boy ready to GTFO. We have to sit in traffic on the way home, but he lays quietly in the back, also still on medications. I get him home and I get yet another scare: BLOOD. The worst part about having a townhouse are the stairs. He must have knocked his foot on something and there it went again. I call back to the clinic and the Dr. asked me to monitor the bleeding but to definitely go pick up the last medication later.

So far so good. I got him to eat some food, and he’s been busy sleeping. Liana was very very excited to have him home. She had been busy destroying things in the house, collecting shoes, and knocking over paper towels she was so anxious. The paw was bleeding for a bit, but the coagulation is working.

I would strongly recommend his emergency vet to anyone in the area. This experience was 10x better than the other emergency vet with Tristan. Wonderful doctors, wonderful staff. I will be in debt for months on end, but they’re great. Now…to worry about work and paying off all of that. I have to talk to them about more hours. On top of it all I have to get the bandage removed tomorrow and so had to move patients around AGAIN to come in a little later. M has repeatedly asked me if I need the financial help, but unless I am in dire straits I can’t bring myself to use someone else’s money. Like I would never even think about a GoFundMe unless it was completely out of my league. They are my dogs and my responsibility.

In two weeks I need to have the stitches removed too…so have to figure that out. I might be doing that one after work.

It’s amazing to think that when I woke up yesterday I had no inkling of the whirlwind I would’ve been thrown into. I feel like I’ve aged 5 years. I spent the entirety  of yesterday shaking. And these at my DOGS. I know they’re effectively my kids, but I can’t even imagine if it was my true child. I was complaining to M yesterday how I used to think I could handle any emergency situation given my strong inclination towards the biology/health field…until things started happening to the people I care most about. Then suddenly I know nothing. It’s terrible. I still know things, and it comes to me naturally, but the immense emotion around it hinders my ability to deal with it. I guess dealing with it more often will make it easier, but man….

Hopefully everything is fine. Going to go pick up the last medication now. I’m a littler nervous about leaving him at home, but he’s really tired and is sleeping soundly.

Blargh

UGGGH. Even though I cleared the whole thing up with M, and Gable no longer has diarrhea, I STILL cannot sleep at night! It could be weather, but it’s probably more than likely the whole no eating carbs thing that M is doing. It’s bothering me to no end mostly because I learned even more about he shouldn’t be doing it. I’ve been going over in my head how to convince him to stop doing that…as if I’m about to do a class presentation on it…but with higher stakes and more resistance. At work yesterday I tried it out on my co-workers, and it worked. They told me the reasoning all very valid and persuasive, but they are a different audience and have known me long enough to understand the depth of which I know certain facts/ how I think. Plus they have a different, more listening mindset.

I’ve been trying to convince him otherwise since the beginning, but he believes his gym friends above me…the problem with that is, do these people actually understand how it works at the bodily level? I’ve mentioned before that learning from the bottom up is how to do it because learning from the top down, you have no clue what makes up that iceberg, just seeing what’s visibile.

A lot of times, it takes something awful to recognize what’s going on. I have many arguments and logical thoughts and facts to back me up. It’s hard to convince people who don’t want to listen, though.

I’ll see him tomorrow. And I’ll try it then, but I’m afraid he will get upset. I care, but I don’t, because it’s about his health and our future.

Overall, though, having worked through our other issues, I think we’re stable. Let me rock the boat once more because this is the biggest and last issue that I have. For now.

 

Why Can’t I Ever Remember To…

…do this the night before???

Well not too much happened this past weekend…I managed to finish about 1/6 of the patio before giving up in the heat, got allergy sick the rest of the day, slept early, had my brother fix a printer problem, played Gyakuten Kenji 2 on emulator since you can’t buy it in the US, drew comics all day, M came over, we went and had buffet, came back, cuddling, installed and played Stepmania in the basement after prepping for the Doberman to visit, still got it, then found out that M got the firefighting gig he’s been dreaming about for the last 4 years. He called me first and was super excited and in my usual way I devolved the situation with my usual dose of realism and we butt heads for a bit, so I stopped paying attention to my phone in irritation for the rest of the day, and then felt bad because why in the freak do I have to rain on people’s parades and why is he asking that of me…then at the end I realize I have a bad foreboding, uneasy feeling about something. Don’t know what it is and then tears start coming for no reason at all. I attribute it to PMS. Think about it more and conclude that like my dogs I like a balance of emotions, not too much one way or the other because I always seek to come back to the middle, but it’s not fair because he SHOULD be excited and amped and stuff because he’s usually somewhat gloomy about his life, and I SHOULD be really happy for him, which I am.

Bluh.

Tomorrow, Saturday…

I came home on Wednesday and found a card addressed to me…didn’t recognize the handwriting, but the I did the address. M lives there. I excitedly took a picture and was about to send it to him with a text “wat dis” when I thought better of it and deleted it. Something was off about it. Walked the dogs and came back to open it. Turns out it was from his sister! An invitation to a surprise birthday party tomorrow, Saturday, for M and also a father’s day celebration while they’re at it.

My first reaction was, uh oh. He had explicitly expressed his wish to not have anything at all like this done for his birthday. So he’s going to be mad. My presence there might make it better and in some small way everyone is inwardly happy about a party thrown for them, but I totally understand him in that aspect because, I too, completely agree about parties. I hate them. ESPECIALLY birthday ones. Obviously it will be disguised as a father’s day thing, but it will be interesting to see what happens. And that means, yes, I am going because I can’t run away forever. He’s been thwarting his family for me, because he hadn’t wanted me to meet everyone yet. As I’d suspected it was another ploy to finally meet me, as they’d had several instances where they’d tried in the past. His sister told me it was at the behest of his mom (whom I’ve already met). Why not?

As much as I want to tell him, though, who am I to get in the way of his family, especially this sister’s mostly well-intentioned plans? While I did have plans of sort (i.e. my new bathroom vanity) that’s hardly an excuse. But I freaking hate parties. Really. I already hate the ones my own family throws and those are with people I already know…make it with complete strangers, and WHAM. However, I am constantly around strangers at work, so I figure I can handle it, and even while I may sit there bored, it will be wonderfully fascinating to observe the family interaction. Take the stuff I’ve gathered from what he says, put it together with my own deductions, an formulate my report. haha. Even more interesting will be his reaction to this sort of stress plus how he interacts with his own family.

All in all it will be rewarding from a relationship standpoint, and hopefully I won’t embarrass myself. I’m sure I will somehow or another. And I am well aware that they, themselves will certainly be judging me as much as I am judging them. If they are anything like my dad’s side of the family, which they sound like they are, then I have a good guess as to what will happen there and after. Might have to pull out and polish my Dark Side skills. They’ve been lying dormant for a while now.

Only one way to do it: JUMP IN. Stay tuned for full disclosure and post-event thoughts.