Bluh

So after talking to Gamer Guy last night, I realized I was being a jerk to him. These darn online interactions again. Apparently at this point in time all I want to do is push people away from me. I’ve been doing it all around, so it’s not just him. For him, I just wanted to paint for him a different light of me. My ex thought the same thing about me in the beginning too, as GG was telling me what he thought of me last night: that I was just simply a really nice person. So I had to laugh and break it to him that, no, I really am not that nice of a person, actually. Not only that, but I have these crazy quirks, like, insane. Weird. Strange. Out of this world. Funky ideas that make people go “????” and I’m apparently in love with myself, though it’s more accurate to describe me as just “I-know-myself-very-very-well.” When EX found out that , in fact, I’m not all that nicey-nicey, I think he had to rethink his view of me.

You know, come to think of it, I’ve asked several times of different people, if they ever noticed my true feelings about things; For instance, back when Adrienne (God rest her soul) was harassing me at work for 3-6 months and now with Idiot at work, I asked around if anyone ever noticed the sour relationships, but nope, they never could. Sometimes my boss thinks I’m realllllly upset at her when I was merely irritated and got over it a long time ago. Maybe I’m hard to read? Or I’ve mastered the art of putting on a face? EX all the way through to the end and even after (which triggered my on-going resentment of him) had this weird persona that he made up for me that is nothing at all like the real me…I’ve been thinking that he was just crazy in his own made-up world, but maybe that’s not it! Maybe….maybe what think I’m projecting to the world is completely different than what everyone else is seeing?

Is it falsified idealism on everyone else’s part, where they want so bad for me to be this benevolent Goddess-like saint, or is it that my acting is just good? Too good?

I like to think that I project my true emotions most of the time…if I don’t like someone, good gravy, they know it. It’s true that I have to be professional for my patients no matter what strong emotions are roiling inside of my soul pit…is it…too much?

The only people that know me for realz are my family (constantly accusing me of having split personality) and more and more, my close coworkers…though my one coworker thinks that I’m this dog guru which I’m not…really. I’m not. These are my first dogs. I’ve worked with others, but these are the only ones I’ve ever owned. Once again, is it just my ability to sway and persuade people?

I FEEL LIKE A CHARLATAN.

Also, maybe I have a fear of social situations. I’m always brushing off social interaction invitations when deep inside I want to. It’s stressful for some reason. I know I’ll have a good time if I go, but  it’s….scary for lack of a better word.

I’m late now.

 

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I am so FAT

I can’t believe how much weight I’ve gained since…well…my breakup. I guess I no longer have any reason to be fit anymore, so I just let it all go. Tack on to it all the other stresses and there you go. This year hasn’t exactly been kind to me. While looking back on beach pictures, I swear I can pinpoint the exact day that I felt it was the point it all started becoming very noticeable. Blame can be placed on many different factors: my dogs are old and suffering various ailments so I don’t and can’t walk as far as I used to, I stopped going to my house altogether because it’s super awkward and she makes me frustrated meaning I didn’t get to heat-stroke myself doing yardwork nearly as much as in the past, my own age catching up to me and the one I keep blaming the most: my grand-aunt basically making me the group trashcan at the beach.

Bottom line, is that ALL of my clothes are tight, even my scrubs now, when I walk, my stomach and flab jiggle with every step, and I’m starting to get that neck-fat and stomach crease line. It terrified me when a shirt that has been fit and even loose on me suddenly wasn’t, so on Sunday night I ran downstairs to do an actual workout–something I’ve been horribly neglecting.  I’ve got to stay focused now. How very scary to know that in just a mere 6 months I’ve reverted back to Old-Rag-Fiasco status. Stress or not, I should never have let myself fall into that pattern. It takes one cookie, one bag of Cheese Doodles, to turn into 4 trays of cookies and a whole bag of beef jerky in one sitting.

Where is my focus, my self-control? Gone. As I self-indulge in my internal loneliness and depression. That’s got to be what it is. There’s a masked self-loathing in me, that I’ve got to be doing something wrong, that I’m such a horrible person. Why else would all these bad things happen? All my relationships dissolving around me. My goal hasn’t changed at all. I still want to make happy for the people I love. I still aim for my peace and happiness goal. Where is it? My co-worker is on a big trip to Taiwan and Japan. For the new year she’ll be gone on another 2 week trip. She said to me before she left that I need to go somewhere new and exciting, where I’ve never been (I’d been complaining that I no longer feel excitement like I used to when I was little. It’s just not there). Hah. Where? With whom? How? I have the world’s most needy dog whose heart would just break if I did (the other one is ok). I have no one to go with. I have my family, but man, wouldn’t it be nice to just go somewhere without them?

I was just reflecting the other day about how unfair my relationship had been (it just pops into my head sometimes, especially when I’m auto-botting my brain) and how I always knew it was never going to work. Anytime I’d bring up anything regarding the future or us, he’d get so angry and unpredictable. I remember talking to him about money because he literally just kept his money in a savings account with poor interest. Considering my dad works at a bank and my uncle is a financial advisor, I think I have decent knowledge about investing and stuff. He got so offended at me for even suggesting he put anything in even a money market account to at least get some interest. Very unreasonable. Then whenever I hinted at maybe taking a weekend trip with him somewhere, he’d say later, later after this and that. Obviously, it never happened. Heck, even local trips were like pulling teeth: if he had to work around his work schedule (not like I forced him to do anything like that, mind you, and he only worked like 3 days a week, not to mention it’s not hard for me to ask off of work too. I’d gladly have worked around his schedule) he’d let me know it the whole time we went. Like, look, I’m doing this thing for you, you’d better be grateful. Just coming to see me on a weekend where he literally didn’t want to do anything besides sit there and watch TV (didn’t have access to TV in the basement at his place) he acted like it was such a burden and that he took precious time to be with me. God forbid I mention marriage, or any sort of future flung planning. Then the dukes come up and I learned pretty quick to just not mention anything of the sort. If he brought up a topic, I’d expound on it, discuss it and general people talking stuff, then he’d tell me to shut up or he doesn’t want a discussion, he just wanted to say things. Holy freak. Looking back on it now, that seemed abusive. He was always so selfish. There were a few instances where he did think about me, but those were few and far between.

Now you know why I keep wishing someone would start taking care of me for once. I’m so sick and tired of one-sided relationships where I’m the loser and trying to keep everyone else afloat and smiling through it all. When you weigh out the benefits and detriments, it’s been me on the high end, suspended in the air, unable to get back to earth and held there by my shoulder burden relationships. This is why I’ve always trusted only me. Because I can’t rely on other people.

Then again, all I ever wanted to was to see people smile and be happy. And for me to be able to eat my cookies.

How depressing. Like the sky today.

Livid

So. Guess who finally got back to me about my email? Only about 3 weeks later. On her own birthday. And just as I had anticipated, it was just as scathing and rollercoastery as I thought it would be, as well as somewhat mirroring my own basic email outline.

As I keep telling everyone, you have to understand my sister. People keep giving me advice on what to do, how to approach things, from the beginning, middle and currently. That’s great, but it only works if the other person is overly reasonable and objective. In this case, it’s not. She’s easily offended and becomes defensive almost instantly, lashing out and making a general fuss before switching emotions altogether. I only know because 1) I grew up with her and 2) duh, she’s related to me. I’ve spent much of my life trying to rein in and control my tendency toward those Dark Blood outbursts. In my opinion I’ve succeeded over the years, for the most part, in keeping things rather neutral at least initially and in in person, waiting to vent later. It’s very helpful when dealing with overly emotional patients as it is my job after all to deal with fearful, anxious persons day in a day out, all with various manifestations of the same emotion. Not to mention my failed relationship was rife with it. The best way, I’ve found in dealing with it all is to try and remain as objective as possible. Thanks to dating my ex, I’ve had some good training on how to approach a relationship argument, the choice of words, mindset, etc to keep it from blowing out of proportion as possible. In dealing with patients, it’s the exact same. Depending on my mood I may let some emotion in, but it’s all measured to the right amount as to jostle but not tip the bucket. There are nice things to say, then there are inciting things to say. The hardest part, of course, is to brush aside the pride, consider their side of it, agree with what should be agreed with, then get my own point across. By lowering yourself, you’ll be able to convince the other relax their shield arm.

Ironically, being a neutral 3rd party can be even more inciting than being emotional. Why does that infuriate people? You know what my siblings used to tell me when I was little? They said I had no logic and no common sense. I was purely booksmart and that was it. I dunno, I think I’m pretty reasonable. I’ll listen to you. I’ll think about your side of it. Then I’ll make a decision.

She accused me of many things, but what got me, was that she said I know nothing about her. Hah. You’d be surprised, sister. I know lots about you, but you know what’s more than knowing? Action. You can be all sorts of things, know all sorts of things, have all sorts of awards and accolades. What speaks higher than all of that combined, is action. You know something? Great. Prove it me. Utilize it.

It’s absolutely amazing the stuff that was in that email. So amazing, in fact, that I spent the next hour yelling about it to anyone in the house who would listen. Un-freaking believable.

Then again, I got exactly what I expected. It’s not uncommon especially in this day and age. People can’t have healthy conversation when every social media post or even newscast is about inciting emotional outrage.

Now that I’ve calmed down a bit to be able to dissect it all, it’s interesting how many of the wrong things she employed when it comes to argument/discussion. I hope she doesn’t use that on her husband. That’s how you create rifts. Like the one between us right now. Though, honestly, I don’t actually feel much emotion about it all at this very point in time. I was busy being furious earlier, but once it’s done, it’s gone now. Now I still have that throbbing resentment that’s been in me all this time, but that’s about it. Almost robotic. If she wants to stay in that Dark Blood pool of not-letting-things-go, then more power to her, but I’m not like that anymore. I try very hard not to let it get me down any longer. I may feel one way about a person, as survival would have it, but I do try and see redeeming factors in people. It’s just those like Idiot at work who make it almost impossible to think nicely about a person, but you know, if she has a good point, I’m not about to refute it just because I dislike her. If she has a point, she has a point. Doesn’t make me like her more.

That’s one thing I like to think I made an impact on my ex with: not devolving into emotional breakdown and pointless screaming matches. Especially when everyone’s egos are at stake (cue the eyeroll). It was like that at first, passionate arguments, but eventually it became very understanding on both sides, as we tried to work things through. Obviously it didn’t work, but at least we didn’t have full on rage matches. And when I told him it was over for good, I didn’t want to leave it petty and stupid, so I wished him a happy and peaceful life. It wasn’t sarcastic, it was true and heartfelt. If he took it as sarcastic, then I feel bad for him because then it is indeed true that he knew nothing about me at all.

My mom is taking it all rather hard, though. She thinks it’s all her fault. It’s not. My sister should be more cognizant of people other than herself. I don’t know if that will ever change, given that it’s the major downfall of my dad. That and being able to set aside that ego to see the truth. Maybe it will now that she has to think about her son. Not to say that my ego is tiny, haaa because it’s like a hot air balloon. But I try hard to swallow it and at least consider other people’s feelings. In the end, though, who’s losing the most here and who’s gaining the most? Think about it.

Sister Trouble

Remember how when this whole business started I hoped and prayed that it wouldn’t strain our relationship? Well. There you go.

So last week I sent another e-mail to her about moving out. Mind you this is October. I sent the e-mail back in January telling her she had one year to leave. It wasn’t a nice email but then again I didn’t mean it to be because guess what? It’s, well, October. 10 months from the original notification. While yes I did tell her that she had until January, there has been plenty of time to move out. This was before even the whole baby thing. When they came up and announced they were having a baby back in April/Mayish, I took the opportunity, in person, to recommend they really think about moving before the baby arrived because there’s no way anyone would want go move with an infant around. Their response? Oh but we don’t want to change doctors. We’ll move right after the baby. Already a dumb decision. Then I started on to recommend if they can’t afford a house yet then at least rent. Oh no, we won’t rent. It’s a waste of money. We want a garage. So on and so forth with excuses and unrealistic wants. “I only want to move once.” Stupid things like that. At the time I had given the 1 year time frame and I was seriously regretting having been so generous but hey, I had stuff I still needed to do before selling anyways.

Well. They bought new cars. One was practical, a RAV4, the other completely dumb luxury hybrid. A want, not a need. He drives a car given to him for work why would he need an expensive car? They have no money for a down payment right? What about the baby? Student loans? A mortgage??? Then they wanted a dog. What are you going to do, subsist off ramen and pancakes? Owning a home is freaking expensive. Cell phone bills. Utilities. Personal property tax. Internet. Things go wrong. HOA fees. Owning a dog is even more unbelievably expensive and we’re not just talking money. Time. Patience. They need food. Vet bills. What are they going to do, dump the dog on me when they want to go somewhere? Dump the baby on my mom? They have no right to be picky about anything at all. They only sometimes pay me anything to live there and even then it’s not even half of the mortgage.

Do they have no consideration for others? How am I related to her???

I ask them to do me favors since I’m not there. For instance, I asked her to do the fertilizer for me since I already bought it but didnt have time to do it. Her answer (to my face here) was, “no you’re going to have to do it.” I asked her from the very beginning multiple times, in person (to both of them), in email, in text, to call someone about the siding. I will pay for it. She says, oh yeah, or doesn’t even acknowledge it. He says, “yeah yeah yeah I know.” Nothing happens. I asked him to do the mulch in the back for me. His mother does it instead. His only job is to mow the lawn. Now my neighbor is doing it. I HATE being indebted to people. I dont care how nice he is (and he is). What THE HELL does my brother in law do. Seriously. I buy a new fridge like a good landlord the day it went busto (which I still think was their fault but that’s not the point here) and all they do is complain about it. I don’t even know if they change the air filters for the HVAC once a month.

You know, I felt bad, ok, when he was being a deadbeat and they were subsisting solely on my sister’s wages. They had to buy generic everything. I felt awful. I asked him a couple times why he didnt apply for a part-time job at least and he would say boredly, “Oh, I applied at Best Buy….” Is that it? Just one place. Now he has a job. Ok then, take charge of your family and chop chop let’s go. Nope. Lots of excuses and I still don’t see much to show from it all. Just poor buying practices.

I really feel like I’m being taken advantage of by my own sister and they’re very ungrateful. It’s not my house anymore. It doesn’t feel like it. The only place that feels like mine is the backyard which I love so much. Heck, none of us want to go down there anymore. We used to go all the time and now it’s just excuses to not go. I hoped so badly when everyone warned me in the beginning (friends, coworkers, patients, relatives) about this arrangement that it would never become this because she’s my own sister. God knows that I would never dream of doing this. If I was down on my luck and needed to, you know I’d be grateful and out of their hair as quickly as I could. I just thought that because I was helping her out that she would think of me too. In the beginning it was mutually beneficial but not anymore. Hasn’t been for a year now and the more they make poor decisions and act entitled the more resentment builds within me. It shouldn’t have been this way. Now I know to never rely on them ever if I can help it.

They’re stubborn, demanding, and unreasonable given that they literally can’t afford to be.

And now she’s upset at me although she has no right to be. They have no leg to stand on. And she wants me to be able to talk to her? The one who is so easily offended by everything? Yeah that went well the last time we were in person. They told me they’d get a realtor in September. Guess what darling, it’s not September anymore.

The resentment keeps growing and of course their birthdays and the holidays are creeping up. She hasn’t graced me with images of the baby in a week now. Ooo she’s mad alright. But my mom is still getting them.

She knows I’m right. Even if they won’t and can’t admit it. Any 3rd party can see it. The only people who can’t are them.

I said it before, but I’m tired of taking care of people and getting nothing in return. When is someone going to take care of me? I’m grateful to my mom and brother for their help and support. I guess it’ll always just be me. At least I’ll always have myself. These one-sided relationships are not all that fun.

I’m not looking for repayment. I don’t want their money even if I’m in debt myself. Heck, that’s why I agreed to all of this in the first place: to help them out financially. I just want to be able to finally think about my own future again. Great you started a family. So act like one and take responsibility. Let my life move forward too.

It’s petty, negative and depressing to deal with this. Can’t wait until it’s finally over.

Maybe I should just stop saying things

Remember how I said I’d stay home this past week I had off from work in an attempt to limit how many bad things could happen to me? Well. Bad Luck still found me anyways, where I’ve been: at home.

  1. We had lots of rain and wind and stuff this July 4th week and I mentioned that I was just waiting for the gutter to fall down because it was. So I hammered it back in and tried to reset the part that  the squirrels keep knocking off.
  2. The tree in the back of our house has a major split in it and so I ended up calling some tree people to come and take a look. They did and told us that given the crackline, it’s better to just take the whole thing down because the prognosis is poor to hopeless for survival. After looking again at the tree…he’s right. If the crack went a little more left, it’d be more possible to save the tree, but it’s not. It’s going right down the midline of the trunk. Not only that but after he left us an estimate, we were discussing it all and I realized that the tree has probably been dying since at least last year. The leaves have been coming down more and more in the summer and not only that but the dying AND living leaves all have brown spots on it. Furthermore starting last year-ish our own plants on the deck have been developing infections/diseases and ultimately either dying off or showing very stunted growth. More than likely, there is a connection to the dropping leaves and progressively sickly plants. Even the split in the trunk looks diseased and it’s amazing the speed at which it’s been cracking. The tree is giving up. I wonder if it’s Gable and his toxic pee. Either way it needs to go before it takes out our neighbor’s fence and deck or our roof, especially with hurricane season quickly approaching.  20170709_091633_HDR
  3. This morning, after taking the dogs out to the park, I took a shower and found it to not have any hot water. My mom had the same issue so I had this awful feeling and ran down to the water heater. Pilot light not lit, so I try over and over to try and light it, but to no avail. Plumber called and he comes (this is a Sunday, mind you) and what seems to be a straight up and easy fix…you guessed it…turns out to be much more serious. Replace the whole water heater. I read people, remember? He tried really hard to fix it too. I kept trying to read him to see if he was just playing it up, but I don’t think so. He’s coming back tomorrow to replace the whole unit. He really didn’t want to try and fix it, I could tell, like the water heater itself wasn’t worth it. Then in talking with my mom, we remembered back when the HVAC was replaced the guy had mentioned that we should think about replacing the water heater too. At the time it had just been replaced by the previous owners and we didn’t have any problems so we just forgot about it. Boom. Now we wonder why he would have recommended that given the HVAC was replaced in 2011 when we bought the house and the water heater was placed either 2010 or early 2011…both men seemed to think very little of the unit. Ugh. Once again the previous owners screwed us over.

This is quite a bit of money. QUITE a bit. No more taunting this chicken. I need to find Boubar the Chicken statuette to put on our porch. This is the reason I decided to not go to the other house; I’d just spread my bad luck even further and I literally cannot afford that.

Took my dogs to Bull Run this morning, a park that they have not yet been to! Gable was adorable, my big trailblazer dog. It has been a while since I’ve seen him that excited. Unfortunately there was lots and lots of mud, so I wasn’t able to enjoy my time as much as I usually am able to, because I was busy picking my way around the muck. Made the poor decision to walk down a muddy slope against my better judgment and I should have listened to my gut. Nature’s slip’n’slide  that’s for sure. It’s amazing how 4 legs make navigating that kind of terrain much easier. Going back up was crazy hard and while I was scrabbling awkwardly on 4 appendages, my dogs were perched goat-like on the muddy slope like, what are you doing? Yaaaa. At least gnats and mosquitoes aren’t big fans of mud. Toughing it out in nature is still enjoyable to me, though. If I had used DEET bug repellent and waited for a drier day, I might have been able to go further, but we turned around. Still very enjoyable. I’ve been trying a natural bug repellent and found that not only does it wear off quickly, but you need a thick layer of it otherwise the bugs find the thin spots and start the feast.

 

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My most valuable and dear belongings

 

I’ll be spending yet another day playing video games as we wait for the installation and the advent of hot water. You know, with all this talk of moving, we keep updating/replacing everything. Why are things made better before you move out of a place so that someone else can enjoy your hard earned money? Bah. Houses.

On a Roll

I’ve been on a roll this week, locating infections/abscesses. Let’s see how it holds up the rest of the week! Also, my boss has been extremely annoying. As my co-worker expressed, this is the kind of week that makes you want to look for another job. So I was checking out Craigslist yesterday morning and I remembered why I didn’t want to look for another job. That old problem I have where I feel like I should be working more hours is cropping up again. The ulterior motive there is that working interviews are the best for getting your foot in the door without having to job search. However, I absolutely hate temping and I’m still not sure how I feel about working more hygiene hours given my hands. If I did work the full 40 hours, though, I could afford the house that I want…a really good incentive. My body would hate me to kingdom come and it would allow me even less time to enjoy what I work so hard to acquire. It wouldn’t be too bad if I didn’t have dogs because I love spending time with them… I’m still extremely reluctant to give up my lazy life-enjoying lifestyle, but saving money would be really nice.

I couldn’t sleep this morning around 1:30-2:45ish AGAIN. Man last night…talk about polyuria. I’m not sure exactly why but I had to pee like crazy. I never have to do that! It’s not like I drank that much either. I swear I get abducted by aliens at night or something.

I’m a hasty person. I’m impatient. I understand this. I also understand that having patience in life is essential and things like to come about on their own time. However, there have been many instances where I’ve had to make the call and initiate things when they really aren’t moving. When it the right time to make a move? When is it not? That fine line is quite fine. Lying awake this morning my brain was just overwhelmed by how slow my life is moving. Nothing is happening at an ideal pace. Money is slipping through my hands faster than water through a sieve, house, relationships, time. While time is moving too quickly, it moves too slowly too. I have a long list of grievances that I’ve been holding in and know I should just keep waiting, but WHY?? …because it makes no logical difference to release it all. Nothing will change. Nothing CAN change until next year. Everything is stagnant. I feel like I’m an electron in a padded room trying to break free but running into obstacles from all sides…even if I make it past the door, it’s too early and can only mean disaster.

Being hemmed in, enclosed, incarcerated, only able to look out at things is the worst possible feeling for a soul like mine. Life doesn’t change, people don’t change, no progress is possible. UUUUUUGGGGGHHHH. My brain needs a challenge. Something to overcome and to focus on. A short term goal to stay preoccupied with. No one else has such an active mind like mine, in my life. I’ve worked on staying content my whole life, but like I’ve mentioned before it needs to break out. I need someone to help me with that. But the big problem there is I have too much to lose and can’t do anything too risky.

I’m going to go crazy. I need someone to help me. Where is my hero? When will he come?? Someone who understands me, understands this and isn’t intimidated by it, and rather knows how to channel it, to calm me down and help me utilize it. Without the need for too much money. Please come soon.

It is FREAKING COLD

What a strange winter!!!! After hitting 80 in February we’re forecasted to receive our first and probably final major storm for this winter…coming up ton Monday to Tuesday! That forecast varies wildly from 4 inches to 20 inches. Basically (as usual) only time will tell. What I’ll tell you is that I’m getting my groceries and other errands done tomorrow. Ain’t gonna want to do dat on Sunday…especially because I’m working on Monday. Got paid today! Maybe we’ll be getting days off next week which will wreck havoc on our work schedule. Looks like I might have to be ferrying my mom around to or from work again, though this year my brother is quite capable of doing it too! And no doubt he’ll be out and about trying to drive in it. Honestly I’m excited!! I like to have at least one good snow.

Idiot at work today was unusually quiet (for the most part…) and I caught her telling herself to stop doing something. I swear she has some real anxiety issues or some disability or something. No matter what, it translates to a surprisingly bearable day today. Plus, traffic was light due to the weather no doubt and it was pretty watching the ice/snow/sleet come down on and off all day today. On top of it all everyone was pretty chill and nothing crazy happened at all. Very nice. Got some great conversations in with patients and several co-workers. Love getting social like that, you know? Especially around people I care about.

It’s the time of year again for CE credit courses!!! Every year I tell myself “next year I’ll do it early” and then March rolls around again and “d’oh!” I am and always have been a good student. It doesn’t take long for me at all to do these and I really do love to learn/re-learn subject matter. It feels good, too, to find out that I “still got it, ” though I will admit that focus is much harder. In particular tonight because….

…of the post I wrote this morning. While it’s the truth and it’s how I feel, I wanted to elaborate on it a bit. Whenever I have not enough time, things never end up getting described the way I’d like it be described. Yes, I do feel that way. It’s just like my hygiene graduation 7 years ago: what should have been a joyous and happy affair…really wasn’t. That time it was because I knew what we were about to do: pack up and run away from my dad, thereby starting the divorce process. It overshadowed every happy aspect of it. This time, I should be elated because my boyfriend is about to achieve his goal of attaining his dream job…and I truly am, I just know that the shadow of our relationship hanging by the end of that thread is floating there.

It’s not a set in stone, once it’s done we’re over thing, it’s just when our agreement ends. Haha…ironically it’s like we were married for 6 months. Just that we weren’t living together. Held together through all the currents and waves and tribulations by a mere oath. I will say, that holding on like that was a real eye opener. Through all of it I came to realize (as I mentioned) that I really did and truly continue to love him…possibly greater and certainly deeper than it ever was. Deeper in the sense that it’s not just a passing phase, it’s the real deal. I know I’ve mentioned my undying love for him constantly in past posts, but looking back on these 6 months I think I finally found the true meaning of love. I also think I’ve started to crack that relationship code…to comprehend what makes a relationship work, what it entails and feeds it, what kills it, what makes it tick. How a 2-person team should operate together as one. Well, I guess I should specify our relationship as each individual relationship is different. I’ve certainly learned to respect him, something reserved only for people I hold in very high esteem…obviously not readily doled out on my part given my cynical and highly critical tendencies.

Sigh. Even though it’s not set in stone, I fear that it will indeed come to pass anyways. I dread it, I grieve prematurely for it, I’ve tried to dull the inevitable pain. Through it all there’s that hope in me, a single light of hope, that somehow we can work out. That I don’t have to part from him. That I can just love him forever and be for him that one that he couldn’t find…I had two goals in our relationship: to bring him happiness because he deserves it,  and, like I mentioned, to be the one that lasts forever and through it all. Lofty goals, I now realize. Lofty and rather selfish. I never asked him if that’s what he wanted, I only assumed it. Making assumptions again without clear evidence.

No matter what, I’ve already told myself that I’ll respect whatever decision he’s made and whatever he wants to do in terms of our relationship. If I had it my way I’d keep him forever and make him marry me. heh heh. I’m not saying that all of the sudden we’ll live happily ever after the fabled “marriage” because I know that’s not how it all works. That is the subject for a different post. What I am saying is that given my way, I choose him to wrangle that part of life out with, but only if he’ll have me. If not, then that’s how it is. No hard feelings, no resentment. Maybe we’ll be able to remain friends. I always wondered why men and women can’t stay friends, and I’ve read that lovers who remain friends can only do so if they never loved each other or if they’re still in love with each other. I’ll take it. I’ve already lost him once. I told myself I wouldn’t lose him again. After that first time I really just wanted to be friends with him, not to pressure him into a relationship…it just turned that way anyways. All I know is in some shape or form, I always want to be in touch with him.

Sigh. It hurts. It hurts so much. Again. It never gets less painful. Then come the dreaded tears. Always with the tears. I guess I can’t help it.