Category: dilemma

Thursday Again

I haaaaate Thursdaaaays so MUCH.

So on Monday my grandpa fell–well not so much feel but slumped to the ground and could not get up. My grandma was taking a shower and had told him not to go outside, but of course what did he do, go outside. My grandma can NOT see well, but eventually found him on the far side of the house where no one would have seen him at all if she hadn’t gone looking. She was unable to help him up, so she called her siblings who came over and then called her kids 2 of whom came over too (I was home, but she didn’t call me because she thought it would take me too long to come over…interestingly as I was cooking, I kept having this feeling like my grandparents were going to call me, but they never did so the feeling passed. It reminded me of the feeling I had when my uncle’s dog was dying). They ended up taking my grandpa to the emergency room where he was deemed perfectly fine after a series of x-rays. Then they decided that my grandparents should be admitted to an old people facility and my grandma made such a stink that they left it alone for the moment. Honestly, I’m a bit glad they hadn’t called me because at this point it’s not for me to say anything as I’m just a grandchild and not a child. My oldest aunt (my mom is the oldest) has this obnoxious personality where she doesn’t really care what anyone wants or thinks, she just does stuff that she thinks people need and most don’t bother trying to argue with her, because she’ll just brush you aside. It’s not that she doesn’t care, she just wants to do everything her way, that her way is the best way. I can understand where she’s coming from, but I’m much more compassionate to others…given that I AM a healthcare provider. I may not be a dentist or a doctor, but I still know how to deal with patients, thanks. If I was there, I would have recommended NOT going to the ER and at most maybe calling EMS over to take a look. I mean, who gonna pay the hospital bills?

It’s a huge mess of an issue and once again, I have no power to do anything and I swear that my aunts and uncle are just not understanding enough to take what my grandparents want into much consideration. For some reason they think that because they’re old, they’re stupid and can’t make decisions or have desires and wants. And then other times they don’t want to deal with them and say they’re able to do things, why don’t YOU (meaning me) help. After dealing the whole cable provider switch thing with my grandparents I already warned my mom that she’s going to have to think about moving in with them or something much sooner than anticipated. I was right.

I’ve been holding out and hoping that they would sell me that house for cheap because 1) there is no way I’m going to be able to afford a home with a yard I want for my budget (unless I start working FT. *GASP THE HORROR*) and 2) I really and truly love that house and I know they do and anything I can do to hold on to it for them would be awesome. Plus, as a bonus, all the fixing up I can do for it. None of my relatives want anything to do with that house. They never come visit and seem to be wholly embarrassed of the house. I don’t know why, they grew up there. I’ve always been fond of it for the memories. Just because it’s not big and opulent…

I don’t understand them.

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It is now Friday

Yesterday was the most frustrating and obnoxious day of work I’ve had in a while. For some reason I was feeling rather irritable in general, which I felt was the same for other patients because normally sweet, nice patients were very mean. I finally told off Idiot about taking my trays and not paying attention. Strange I felt so confident and in control of my emotions because normally I’d be so livid I’d be afraid what would come out of my mouth. It was the final straw because I was 25 minutes behind and I don’t have time to sit around when it means seconds before a patient walkout. After I told her off, she ran off to hide in the break room for a few minutes, and later it came up that the assistant was the one who took it and apologized profusely for, but it didn’t matter who did it because it needed to be said no matter what. The situation has been occurring for the last 2 years and this was the perfect moment to do it. Everyone is feeling frustrations about her, but everyone is too nice to say anything, so who better than the one with blatant and obvious disrespect for her. I’m just going to keep calling it out too until she gets it through her thick skull. I’m done holding it in and done watching as she takes full advantage of the already overworked assistant, treat her like her own personal assistant, and then at the drop of a hat blame her for everything. Countless time have I watched and heard her choose not to make decisions for herself in order to deflect blame when something bad happens. Always an excuse, always someone else’s fault. It can’t possibly be her fault. Nothing ever is even though it is. It’s passive aggressive bullying and I aim to call it out if I ever get a legitimate chance.

I don’t know what change came over me or what hill I just crested, but it’s time to stand up for things like that.

Maybe it has to do with my sudden crabbiness which stems from being back in a hopeless, backed–in-a-corner-position. I’m still living with my mom, who has vision problems and seems adamant on keeping me around her forever. She can see, just not super clearly. I don’t mind being around to help, but I’m feeling (again) desperate to move out to my own place. However, I can’t. I ejected one problem with that, but now I’m shouldering yet another burden in the form of my brother and allowing him to use the other house as a half-time independent living zone. I want to give him that as he seems to not either be able to, or just doesn’t want to take the leap to his own apartment/abode. It’s a really nice house that we’ll probably never find or be able to afford again. On top of it, I can’t get down there to accomplish things as much as I’d like. Well, I can, but not only can my body not stand the grueling one-day-marathon events that I’ve become accustomed to doing anymore like it used to, but I literally do not have the cash for extra gas, extra car maintenance, extra groceries and especially not for the house. The more I go, the more I want to spend. And alongside that, I need money to finish fixing it up in order to sell, and even above that, I need time, which I just do not have. I need a span of time to do the fence.

Next week is spring break for public schools and originally we had the time off and I was planning around that because it’s springtime and I need about a week to get things done with muscle pain and deliveries and such. The worst part about all of this? WEATHER. I can’t just go take time off because who knows what the weather will do?

And honestly even when I sell it, it’s not like I’ll be able to get a place right away, but at least I’ll have the extra cash to pay off a few things, start an IRA and greatly reduce the bills even if I would have to pay out the butt for taxes without a mortgage. See? Nothing is without burden.

Ah, being an adult.

Happy Year of the Dog!

Wear red! Be Happy! Eat good food! May you have a joyous and prosperous year!

I should speak ill of the departed, but that chicken/rooster had to have one last parting shot at me. Honestly I was waiting for it, but became complacent. All week I was trying to be careful because I knew the New Year was coming, but what better time to strike than at the very end? Right in my own neighborhood, less than 30 seconds from my house, I was involved in a car accident last evening coming home. After sitting in terrible rush hour traffic and getting out late from work, one wishy-washy girl later and CRRSSSH. I was really rather lucky, however because while the girl herself was literally hysterical, her dad was very calm, collected and fair. She wouldn’t talk to me at all and didn’t even jump out of her car to meet me, so I was awkwardly standing around by myself until her mom came out (it was right in front of her house). Nothing terrible, just scrapes and a dent on the side of my car. Unfortunately for me, however, no one would ever rule that accident in my favor and I’ll admit that it was due to assumptions and trust that this driver was going to do what she indicated she was going to do. Dash cam shows it, but all legal powers viewing the footage would agree it was most certainly my fault. No one wanted to call the cops, so we let our insurance handle it all. I ruminated it over all night and now, of course, my insurance is going to go up, I’m sure. Long and short of it? I was driving in behind her on our neighborhood road (I was super chill today which is not normal, but I was really tired), going rather slowly. She slowed down and signaled her intention to turn into her house driveway, so as she came to a stop (you can see on the dash cam that she had crossed the double yellow to turn), she’d left enough room that I could go around her in consideration of the rush hour line behind me. I made sure no one was coming up on the merge and proceeded to go around when for whatever reason she DIDN’T turn and decided to go straight, right into me. It was like a dream and for a little bit I wondered if this was at all real. Oh it was real enough when I opened the door and saw the dents and scratches. I tried to be as fair and impartial as possible, and while it is as I always say: nervous and wishy washy people are always the cause of accidents, not confident people, I should never had made any assumptions as to her intentions. The more I look at the footage, the more I realize what she was trying to do, which was make a U-turn to park on the street in front of her house. Explains why she went not only forward but to the right. She should not have done that on such a busy street and I should not have tried to go around and waited to see what she was going to do. And because we didn’t call the cops, the only clear loser is me. At least no one got a ticket, though. I would have gotten, at minimum, failure to yield, passing on the right, etc. Ruminating all night and evening on it, I kept wondering how it could have been different…if I’d stayed one more minute at work to talk, if I hadn’t run that yellow, or if I had decided to be more aggressive instead of as chill as I was yesterday, if I’d been more impatient and made a turn onto a different route home, if there were more people at the stop sign, if she had stayed more to the right instead of the left. I guess…someone else might have gotten into that accident, not me…given how everyone drives around here, I’m 50% sure that another person would have done the same thing I did and made the same assumptions. I’ve lived here long enough to know. Maybe that other person would have been much more nasty and I saved her that. All I know is that she acted very strangely: wouldn’t get out of her car, wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t even go into her own house, screamed and yelled and cursed her father out, adamantly refused to leave the safety of her car the whole time I was talking to her parents. It was a minor accident, but I guess in her head it was this monumental thing. He told me that she had JUST had an accident in the same place not 2 weeks ago, so I guess this was horrifically traumatic for her.

Well, no matter where the fault lies, that girl is fighting some terrible demons right now. I’m not unscathed psychologically because I’m mad that my perfect record is dead and that now I have to deal with my car and insurance and WHAT A PAIN. And my plan for doing house stuff next week? GONE. Again. I don’t know why every time I want to go down and do house stuff I can’t. It’s like something is telling me not to, to wait, not to finish, not to sell. Not yet! WHYYYYY????

It’s very warm today and the dogs were unable to sleep all night long it was so stuffy. 70 degrees in the middle of February…and snow in the forecast for tomorrow! Now that I have the window open, Gable is napping. My golden dog. Well, I hope this whole thing gets dealt with easily and quickly so that I can maybe enjoy some of my week off…instead of sitting around moping. That’s another lucky thing: that it happened right before I take a week off work.

C’mon year of the dog!!! Help me out here! Some good events please! It’s Friday everyone! Enjoy it!

Bluh

So after talking to Gamer Guy last night, I realized I was being a jerk to him. These darn online interactions again. Apparently at this point in time all I want to do is push people away from me. I’ve been doing it all around, so it’s not just him. For him, I just wanted to paint for him a different light of me. My ex thought the same thing about me in the beginning too, as GG was telling me what he thought of me last night: that I was just simply a really nice person. So I had to laugh and break it to him that, no, I really am not that nice of a person, actually. Not only that, but I have these crazy quirks, like, insane. Weird. Strange. Out of this world. Funky ideas that make people go “????” and I’m apparently in love with myself, though it’s more accurate to describe me as just “I-know-myself-very-very-well.” When EX found out that , in fact, I’m not all that nicey-nicey, I think he had to rethink his view of me.

You know, come to think of it, I’ve asked several times of different people, if they ever noticed my true feelings about things; For instance, back when Adrienne (God rest her soul) was harassing me at work for 3-6 months and now with Idiot at work, I asked around if anyone ever noticed the sour relationships, but nope, they never could. Sometimes my boss thinks I’m realllllly upset at her when I was merely irritated and got over it a long time ago. Maybe I’m hard to read? Or I’ve mastered the art of putting on a face? EX all the way through to the end and even after (which triggered my on-going resentment of him) had this weird persona that he made up for me that is nothing at all like the real me…I’ve been thinking that he was just crazy in his own made-up world, but maybe that’s not it! Maybe….maybe what think I’m projecting to the world is completely different than what everyone else is seeing?

Is it falsified idealism on everyone else’s part, where they want so bad for me to be this benevolent Goddess-like saint, or is it that my acting is just good? Too good?

I like to think that I project my true emotions most of the time…if I don’t like someone, good gravy, they know it. It’s true that I have to be professional for my patients no matter what strong emotions are roiling inside of my soul pit…is it…too much?

The only people that know me for realz are my family (constantly accusing me of having split personality) and more and more, my close coworkers…though my one coworker thinks that I’m this dog guru which I’m not…really. I’m not. These are my first dogs. I’ve worked with others, but these are the only ones I’ve ever owned. Once again, is it just my ability to sway and persuade people?

I FEEL LIKE A CHARLATAN.

Also, maybe I have a fear of social situations. I’m always brushing off social interaction invitations when deep inside I want to. It’s stressful for some reason. I know I’ll have a good time if I go, but  it’s….scary for lack of a better word.

I’m late now.

 

I am so FAT

I can’t believe how much weight I’ve gained since…well…my breakup. I guess I no longer have any reason to be fit anymore, so I just let it all go. Tack on to it all the other stresses and there you go. This year hasn’t exactly been kind to me. While looking back on beach pictures, I swear I can pinpoint the exact day that I felt it was the point it all started becoming very noticeable. Blame can be placed on many different factors: my dogs are old and suffering various ailments so I don’t and can’t walk as far as I used to, I stopped going to my house altogether because it’s super awkward and she makes me frustrated meaning I didn’t get to heat-stroke myself doing yardwork nearly as much as in the past, my own age catching up to me and the one I keep blaming the most: my grand-aunt basically making me the group trashcan at the beach.

Bottom line, is that ALL of my clothes are tight, even my scrubs now, when I walk, my stomach and flab jiggle with every step, and I’m starting to get that neck-fat and stomach crease line. It terrified me when a shirt that has been fit and even loose on me suddenly wasn’t, so on Sunday night I ran downstairs to do an actual workout–something I’ve been horribly neglecting.  I’ve got to stay focused now. How very scary to know that in just a mere 6 months I’ve reverted back to Old-Rag-Fiasco status. Stress or not, I should never have let myself fall into that pattern. It takes one cookie, one bag of Cheese Doodles, to turn into 4 trays of cookies and a whole bag of beef jerky in one sitting.

Where is my focus, my self-control? Gone. As I self-indulge in my internal loneliness and depression. That’s got to be what it is. There’s a masked self-loathing in me, that I’ve got to be doing something wrong, that I’m such a horrible person. Why else would all these bad things happen? All my relationships dissolving around me. My goal hasn’t changed at all. I still want to make happy for the people I love. I still aim for my peace and happiness goal. Where is it? My co-worker is on a big trip to Taiwan and Japan. For the new year she’ll be gone on another 2 week trip. She said to me before she left that I need to go somewhere new and exciting, where I’ve never been (I’d been complaining that I no longer feel excitement like I used to when I was little. It’s just not there). Hah. Where? With whom? How? I have the world’s most needy dog whose heart would just break if I did (the other one is ok). I have no one to go with. I have my family, but man, wouldn’t it be nice to just go somewhere without them?

I was just reflecting the other day about how unfair my relationship had been (it just pops into my head sometimes, especially when I’m auto-botting my brain) and how I always knew it was never going to work. Anytime I’d bring up anything regarding the future or us, he’d get so angry and unpredictable. I remember talking to him about money because he literally just kept his money in a savings account with poor interest. Considering my dad works at a bank and my uncle is a financial advisor, I think I have decent knowledge about investing and stuff. He got so offended at me for even suggesting he put anything in even a money market account to at least get some interest. Very unreasonable. Then whenever I hinted at maybe taking a weekend trip with him somewhere, he’d say later, later after this and that. Obviously, it never happened. Heck, even local trips were like pulling teeth: if he had to work around his work schedule (not like I forced him to do anything like that, mind you, and he only worked like 3 days a week, not to mention it’s not hard for me to ask off of work too. I’d gladly have worked around his schedule) he’d let me know it the whole time we went. Like, look, I’m doing this thing for you, you’d better be grateful. Just coming to see me on a weekend where he literally didn’t want to do anything besides sit there and watch TV (didn’t have access to TV in the basement at his place) he acted like it was such a burden and that he took precious time to be with me. God forbid I mention marriage, or any sort of future flung planning. Then the dukes come up and I learned pretty quick to just not mention anything of the sort. If he brought up a topic, I’d expound on it, discuss it and general people talking stuff, then he’d tell me to shut up or he doesn’t want a discussion, he just wanted to say things. Holy freak. Looking back on it now, that seemed abusive. He was always so selfish. There were a few instances where he did think about me, but those were few and far between.

Now you know why I keep wishing someone would start taking care of me for once. I’m so sick and tired of one-sided relationships where I’m the loser and trying to keep everyone else afloat and smiling through it all. When you weigh out the benefits and detriments, it’s been me on the high end, suspended in the air, unable to get back to earth and held there by my shoulder burden relationships. This is why I’ve always trusted only me. Because I can’t rely on other people.

Then again, all I ever wanted to was to see people smile and be happy. And for me to be able to eat my cookies.

How depressing. Like the sky today.

Livid

So. Guess who finally got back to me about my email? Only about 3 weeks later. On her own birthday. And just as I had anticipated, it was just as scathing and rollercoastery as I thought it would be, as well as somewhat mirroring my own basic email outline.

As I keep telling everyone, you have to understand my sister. People keep giving me advice on what to do, how to approach things, from the beginning, middle and currently. That’s great, but it only works if the other person is overly reasonable and objective. In this case, it’s not. She’s easily offended and becomes defensive almost instantly, lashing out and making a general fuss before switching emotions altogether. I only know because 1) I grew up with her and 2) duh, she’s related to me. I’ve spent much of my life trying to rein in and control my tendency toward those Dark Blood outbursts. In my opinion I’ve succeeded over the years, for the most part, in keeping things rather neutral at least initially and in in person, waiting to vent later. It’s very helpful when dealing with overly emotional patients as it is my job after all to deal with fearful, anxious persons day in a day out, all with various manifestations of the same emotion. Not to mention my failed relationship was rife with it. The best way, I’ve found in dealing with it all is to try and remain as objective as possible. Thanks to dating my ex, I’ve had some good training on how to approach a relationship argument, the choice of words, mindset, etc to keep it from blowing out of proportion as possible. In dealing with patients, it’s the exact same. Depending on my mood I may let some emotion in, but it’s all measured to the right amount as to jostle but not tip the bucket. There are nice things to say, then there are inciting things to say. The hardest part, of course, is to brush aside the pride, consider their side of it, agree with what should be agreed with, then get my own point across. By lowering yourself, you’ll be able to convince the other relax their shield arm.

Ironically, being a neutral 3rd party can be even more inciting than being emotional. Why does that infuriate people? You know what my siblings used to tell me when I was little? They said I had no logic and no common sense. I was purely booksmart and that was it. I dunno, I think I’m pretty reasonable. I’ll listen to you. I’ll think about your side of it. Then I’ll make a decision.

She accused me of many things, but what got me, was that she said I know nothing about her. Hah. You’d be surprised, sister. I know lots about you, but you know what’s more than knowing? Action. You can be all sorts of things, know all sorts of things, have all sorts of awards and accolades. What speaks higher than all of that combined, is action. You know something? Great. Prove it me. Utilize it.

It’s absolutely amazing the stuff that was in that email. So amazing, in fact, that I spent the next hour yelling about it to anyone in the house who would listen. Un-freaking believable.

Then again, I got exactly what I expected. It’s not uncommon especially in this day and age. People can’t have healthy conversation when every social media post or even newscast is about inciting emotional outrage.

Now that I’ve calmed down a bit to be able to dissect it all, it’s interesting how many of the wrong things she employed when it comes to argument/discussion. I hope she doesn’t use that on her husband. That’s how you create rifts. Like the one between us right now. Though, honestly, I don’t actually feel much emotion about it all at this very point in time. I was busy being furious earlier, but once it’s done, it’s gone now. Now I still have that throbbing resentment that’s been in me all this time, but that’s about it. Almost robotic. If she wants to stay in that Dark Blood pool of not-letting-things-go, then more power to her, but I’m not like that anymore. I try very hard not to let it get me down any longer. I may feel one way about a person, as survival would have it, but I do try and see redeeming factors in people. It’s just those like Idiot at work who make it almost impossible to think nicely about a person, but you know, if she has a good point, I’m not about to refute it just because I dislike her. If she has a point, she has a point. Doesn’t make me like her more.

That’s one thing I like to think I made an impact on my ex with: not devolving into emotional breakdown and pointless screaming matches. Especially when everyone’s egos are at stake (cue the eyeroll). It was like that at first, passionate arguments, but eventually it became very understanding on both sides, as we tried to work things through. Obviously it didn’t work, but at least we didn’t have full on rage matches. And when I told him it was over for good, I didn’t want to leave it petty and stupid, so I wished him a happy and peaceful life. It wasn’t sarcastic, it was true and heartfelt. If he took it as sarcastic, then I feel bad for him because then it is indeed true that he knew nothing about me at all.

My mom is taking it all rather hard, though. She thinks it’s all her fault. It’s not. My sister should be more cognizant of people other than herself. I don’t know if that will ever change, given that it’s the major downfall of my dad. That and being able to set aside that ego to see the truth. Maybe it will now that she has to think about her son. Not to say that my ego is tiny, haaa because it’s like a hot air balloon. But I try hard to swallow it and at least consider other people’s feelings. In the end, though, who’s losing the most here and who’s gaining the most? Think about it.

Sister Trouble

Remember how when this whole business started I hoped and prayed that it wouldn’t strain our relationship? Well. There you go.

So last week I sent another e-mail to her about moving out. Mind you this is October. I sent the e-mail back in January telling her she had one year to leave. It wasn’t a nice email but then again I didn’t mean it to be because guess what? It’s, well, October. 10 months from the original notification. While yes I did tell her that she had until January, there has been plenty of time to move out. This was before even the whole baby thing. When they came up and announced they were having a baby back in April/Mayish, I took the opportunity, in person, to recommend they really think about moving before the baby arrived because there’s no way anyone would want go move with an infant around. Their response? Oh but we don’t want to change doctors. We’ll move right after the baby. Already a dumb decision. Then I started on to recommend if they can’t afford a house yet then at least rent. Oh no, we won’t rent. It’s a waste of money. We want a garage. So on and so forth with excuses and unrealistic wants. “I only want to move once.” Stupid things like that. At the time I had given the 1 year time frame and I was seriously regretting having been so generous but hey, I had stuff I still needed to do before selling anyways.

Well. They bought new cars. One was practical, a RAV4, the other completely dumb luxury hybrid. A want, not a need. He drives a car given to him for work why would he need an expensive car? They have no money for a down payment right? What about the baby? Student loans? A mortgage??? Then they wanted a dog. What are you going to do, subsist off ramen and pancakes? Owning a home is freaking expensive. Cell phone bills. Utilities. Personal property tax. Internet. Things go wrong. HOA fees. Owning a dog is even more unbelievably expensive and we’re not just talking money. Time. Patience. They need food. Vet bills. What are they going to do, dump the dog on me when they want to go somewhere? Dump the baby on my mom? They have no right to be picky about anything at all. They only sometimes pay me anything to live there and even then it’s not even half of the mortgage.

Do they have no consideration for others? How am I related to her???

I ask them to do me favors since I’m not there. For instance, I asked her to do the fertilizer for me since I already bought it but didnt have time to do it. Her answer (to my face here) was, “no you’re going to have to do it.” I asked her from the very beginning multiple times, in person (to both of them), in email, in text, to call someone about the siding. I will pay for it. She says, oh yeah, or doesn’t even acknowledge it. He says, “yeah yeah yeah I know.” Nothing happens. I asked him to do the mulch in the back for me. His mother does it instead. His only job is to mow the lawn. Now my neighbor is doing it. I HATE being indebted to people. I dont care how nice he is (and he is). What THE HELL does my brother in law do. Seriously. I buy a new fridge like a good landlord the day it went busto (which I still think was their fault but that’s not the point here) and all they do is complain about it. I don’t even know if they change the air filters for the HVAC once a month.

You know, I felt bad, ok, when he was being a deadbeat and they were subsisting solely on my sister’s wages. They had to buy generic everything. I felt awful. I asked him a couple times why he didnt apply for a part-time job at least and he would say boredly, “Oh, I applied at Best Buy….” Is that it? Just one place. Now he has a job. Ok then, take charge of your family and chop chop let’s go. Nope. Lots of excuses and I still don’t see much to show from it all. Just poor buying practices.

I really feel like I’m being taken advantage of by my own sister and they’re very ungrateful. It’s not my house anymore. It doesn’t feel like it. The only place that feels like mine is the backyard which I love so much. Heck, none of us want to go down there anymore. We used to go all the time and now it’s just excuses to not go. I hoped so badly when everyone warned me in the beginning (friends, coworkers, patients, relatives) about this arrangement that it would never become this because she’s my own sister. God knows that I would never dream of doing this. If I was down on my luck and needed to, you know I’d be grateful and out of their hair as quickly as I could. I just thought that because I was helping her out that she would think of me too. In the beginning it was mutually beneficial but not anymore. Hasn’t been for a year now and the more they make poor decisions and act entitled the more resentment builds within me. It shouldn’t have been this way. Now I know to never rely on them ever if I can help it.

They’re stubborn, demanding, and unreasonable given that they literally can’t afford to be.

And now she’s upset at me although she has no right to be. They have no leg to stand on. And she wants me to be able to talk to her? The one who is so easily offended by everything? Yeah that went well the last time we were in person. They told me they’d get a realtor in September. Guess what darling, it’s not September anymore.

The resentment keeps growing and of course their birthdays and the holidays are creeping up. She hasn’t graced me with images of the baby in a week now. Ooo she’s mad alright. But my mom is still getting them.

She knows I’m right. Even if they won’t and can’t admit it. Any 3rd party can see it. The only people who can’t are them.

I said it before, but I’m tired of taking care of people and getting nothing in return. When is someone going to take care of me? I’m grateful to my mom and brother for their help and support. I guess it’ll always just be me. At least I’ll always have myself. These one-sided relationships are not all that fun.

I’m not looking for repayment. I don’t want their money even if I’m in debt myself. Heck, that’s why I agreed to all of this in the first place: to help them out financially. I just want to be able to finally think about my own future again. Great you started a family. So act like one and take responsibility. Let my life move forward too.

It’s petty, negative and depressing to deal with this. Can’t wait until it’s finally over.