The End?

As I was working yesterday I was waiting, waiting because I just knew my mom would text me something bad about my girl. Trusting that gut. After noon passed, I thought maybe the worst was over and I started to relax, but then my mom calls the office as an emergency and my worst fears were confirmed. We had just secured Friday with a temp for me, but I had to ask for today (Thursday) off. As fate would have it, the dentist’s patient didn’t come so he took my last patient for me and off I ran. Cried pretty much the entire drive home.

When I finally get inside the home, it was just like Tristan all over again. She tried to get up and greet me, but my mom was holding her back because she’d been crying in severe pain all day. I tearfully called the vet even though I tried to remain calm, and they told me to come over. My brother helped me bring her (got chased after by some moron in a Sorento because I cut her off. Can you believe she FOLLOWED me all the way to the vet just so she could confront me? Except she was scared and stayed in the car the whole time. In the mean time she was definitely not in the lane when I was trying to change lanes. Must’ve been doing 60mph or something. Plus, I was almost crashed into by a massive pickup forcing itself into my lane too, it’s not like people around here don’t cut you off all the time. I was so infuriated by her and in grief I managed to carry Liana all the way into the vet on my own. Amazing strength anger gives you) and she was freaking out the whole time and lying down which is very atypical of her at the vet.

Vet agreed with me about her toughness because she didn’t indicate consistently about what hurt her. Got xrays, gave her a pain shot, and the suspicion was slipped disc. Radiographs ruled out osteosarcoma, the biggest fear. Basically it most likely is a slipped disc, you’d need an MRI to know for sure. Other things it could be is just pinched nerve or even neural tumor. Treatment entails medications (gabapentin, muscle relaxer and Rimadyl) and rest for 10 days then re-evaluate. Cause? Could honestly be anything. More than likely her spirited romping on Saturday. About $800 later I was able to take her home. It was a relief but also a major worry that I was able to take her home, because when it comes down to it, I already know from 2 sources what it takes to deal with spinal surgery. $15,000 straight up and MRI too? I can’t. Just can not. Afford that.

That’s where the decision has to be made. Say I do the surgery to save her. She’s 9. She’s a large dog. 10-12 year lifespan. There’s recovery, there’s a chance she doesn’t make it out of surgery or has the same problem Gable does with bleeding (apparently he’s a big celebrity at my vet’s office too about that). Now my side of it, I’m losing even more work and have a massive debt that there’s no way I could pay off unless I sell my house. Which I can’t. And what quality of life is it without surgery? Not a good one at all. Always tiptoeing around stairs or not being able to run or chase squirrels. She’s like me in that she’s all or nothing. It sucks more than anything to know you’re capable of something but having to hold back. Is that living? Who would I be prolonging her life for then? Me or her?

When I got home yesterday, I went to take Gable out for a second walk because he didn’t poop for my mom and he was being Velcro dog with me. Liana was adamant about coming along, so I promised we wouldn’t go far at all. She was very excited and hurried along with us onto the grass. Then, she didn’t want to go anymore. She didn’t want to go forward and she didn’t want to go back. She just wanted to go towards the trees and lay down. I’ve never been more sure in anything, knowing she was ready and willing to die. Just like Tristan. I tried to carry her back, but she was a dead weight and so unbelievably heavy. Eventually my mom came looking for me and had to get my brother to carry her back into the house again. He dropped her at the door and I had to help. She must have been being a dead weight again. Back inside, she lay down and refused to do anything else. No water, no food. Forced some water down her, but she was tachycardic and breathing unbelievably heavily until almost 11pm. Forced the pills down her around 8pm…didn’t seem to make much of a difference in sedating her at all. Lots of screaming every time she tried to move. Her eyes, though, were the worst. They were wild and staring, unfocused, never closing. Gable treated her like she was basically nonexistent.

She wanted to die, I think, very badly. The pain must be unbearably excruciating, even with the pain shot.

Watching her last night and sleeping in the living room with her through the night, experiencing even worse cries and screaming than I’ve ever heard from her as she tried to turn onto her other side. She whimpered basically all night and didn’t move again. At one point I lay on the floor beside her, I could sense a fear like she didn’t want to be alone, a little disorientation.

This morning she was extremely hesitant to do anything, but I asked her to get up. She refused water again, but willingly went down the stairs with me to the backyard. She just wants to be outside. Just stood there for a while, staring at the gate, and then came back in. She couldn’t do the stairs up so I had to walk her slowly up. She lay down on the big bed like she’d wanted to all night, so I napped for a little. Then my mom gets up and I’m able to walk Gable by himself quickly before she has to leave for work. I couldn’t help but break down on the walk. It was just me and my boy again and the prospect of that in the near future was so painful. When we come back home, Liana is standing up in her bed. She had eaten one small piece of chicken. I go take a shower and come back down to see her standing up on her own again. My mom was gone but looks like Liana wants to go on a walk. I gear her up, swatting at Gable to stay (silly boy) and slowly walk her out. She’s looking out at the grass again so I take her behind the house to the quad area. She pees a bit, smells things, watches squirrels. Limps, trips, slowly makes her way around. Looks like she wants to lay out there too, but this time she comes back slowly with me. When I turn to go into the house, she pauses, looks at the trees again and then goes into the house with me. She stands and waits where I usually take off their collars, then goes in to drink water like we always do. My heart is light at that. She then proceeds to sniff around for food. I go to prepare some food, but she still refuses to eat out of my hand or the bowl and only eats 2 small pieces of beef (Gable poohpoohs his altogether, the snot). Forced her to take her meds again, and…that’s where we are right now. They’re both napping.

Now I’m unsure of what will happen. I was settled in thinking she had given up on life altogether, but this new improvement is heartening while disheartening at the same time. Heartening in that she feels better, but disheartening in that putting her down would be extremely difficult, knowing there’s a chance and that she wants to live again.

There’s always the hope that it really is just muscular-based and with the relaxers, pain meds and rest it will be all better. My patient with a similar issue said that eventually it just went away in her dog, and good, too, because they wouldn’t have been able to do the $15,000 either.. I’m so glad for my patients. However, I’m nothing but realistic and always planning for the worst. That’s twice now that I’ve been faced with possibly not taking them home again, but I have been able to. In this case, it’s not over and the possibility of losing her is still extremely high, but I have some more time at least.

Sometimes it’s worse, having more time, but always better than a surprise.

When they were playing and romping on Saturday, I remember thinking to myself,  how blessed I am to be able to see this because this might be the last time I ever see that. Then I decided against going to get my phone to video it because I didn’t want to miss a second of it, to always have it in my mind. Got to play with her and him and watch them be as happy as greyhounds can be. I did think it strange that she ran as hard as she did, I fully expected her to stop after one lap, but she kept going, almost like she knew it would be her last, too. Even earlier this year she hadn’t run that hard. Of course, I almost wish I’d stopped her and we could have avoided all of this, but I’m sure if it wasn’t this than something else would’ve done it. At least she was happy doing what she loved most.

Well, for now, she feels better. No screaming today, just yelping. I know I’m just delaying the inevitable, but I’ll hold out hope. We have 10 days. She’s a stubborn, stoic dog. The most stubborn and stoic I’ve seen and may ever see. Cesar Millan says truly stubborn dogs are very rare, but I am convinced she is one. My tough old lady.

Depression, A glimpse

Remember when I said that I don’t really understand depression? Also, remember when I just posted about feeling numb? Well. The former is a bit of a lie. I do understand a little bit of depression. I’ve been in one several times in my life. They just weren’t the real deal, long term. I get short term depression, as do others. In my day to day life I don’t suffer from it at all, but I think I am now.

When did it sink in? Must have been this morning. The adrenaline or whatever must be starting to wear off. I’ve seen art representing depression online and on TV for the depression medications. Obviously, though, I can’t exactly remember what it’s like to go through it. I watched my brother do battle with it for years after and during the whole dad-thing. He’s very well now and so happy and well-adjusted. More than likely I’ve had it since Sunday, THE DAY, but it didn’t hit me full-force until today. Thankfully work wasn’t too bad either. Maybe the weather didn’t help? It has been raining like crazy.

It came to light on the drive to work when I realized I didn’t feel emotion. Throughout the week I’ve been aware of my extra-enthusiastic self, almost to the point of excessively so. The numbness this morning (being unable to get a rise out of myself, or bringing myself to feel something) and then zoning out/tuning out people who are talking to me (been happening all week) alongside a low-grade, continual irritation (made worse by talking and being talked to), plus having to fake being happy and “normal” to my patients like nothing is wrong (feels so awful!!) and lastly wanting to be with people while simultaneously wanting to be alone.

Then it hit me HARD that all the words I typed above reminded me exactly of M.

So. I got a glimpse? A taste? I feel it right now. I was just downstairs in the basement, having forced myself to go down to workout again, and while it felt good, I had no drive. I’d start and then it would wane. I tried to make myself angry for the punching bag, but as the punches flew, they got weaker and weaker until I just stopped and gave up.

I can see that desire to “feel something” if this is something I would have to deal with on a day to day basis. For him the only thing that could make him “feel” was being yelled at or devoting himself completely to work and that’s it because work made him feel good, or needed or something…something he could accomplish successfully.

Now that I’m typing and thinking about all of this, yes, I have felt this before. BUT. The difference for me, is that for some reason, I can get out of it. I may be feeling depression and depressed right now in this moment in time (for good reason), however, it’s not a long-term problem for me. I have figured it out. How to escape. Something/someone has paved me a surefire path. Given me a ladder. An escape rope. And not only an escape tool, but a car to continue along the “normal” and “happy” path. That was probably my childhood. My unwavering spiritual health. My circle of loved ones. My dogs. Deep within me I am happy and I seek peace. I know how to channel the negativity, I know how to “let go” and “give it up.” Even with my obsessive tendencies.

He told me not too long ago that he knows that he needs to let go and not mull on things. It doesn’t do him any good and it just makes him upset. In the past, now that I think about it, I’ve tried several times to give him advice on seeking peace. It’s not something that just happens overnight, and not just one magic thing is right for everyone. I wanted to help him find it, but it was always (here we go again) met with either loss of desire or whatever. I still strongly regret that we didn’t get to see each other more often. When I was with him, in his presence, I tried hard to absorb it for him (that’s what I do for my anxiety patients) and release calm instead. Then again, it’s one thing to give words, and it’s completely different for him to practice it. Just like at work: I can clean everything off and give you a clean slate, but it’s up to you to keep it off. Otherwise, the plaque and tartar will just keep coming back. If he didn’t and doesn’t want to, well, there’s not much I can do except remind, demonstrate, and hope this time he takes the advice. Sometimes it takes seeing a different clinician too, because one person saying something all the time just sounds like nagging.

Well. I just am very aware and knowledgeable about myself. Narcissistic and self-concerned tendencies will do that. I can tell you every single one of my flaws if you wish for me too. I know they’re there and I’m always trying to control them. I guess that self-knowing ability is why I am able to come out of it? They say that before you try to know/love others, you need to know/love yourself. Haha. I love myself, that’s for sure.

Hmmm….come to think of it, people with depression/anxiety tend to hate photos of themselves. I love photos of myself. Of everything and everyone. I just love pictures. Especially the candid kind…the ones that everyone else hates. Heck, I was taking selfies long before they were the rage.

While inconvenient, it is nice to be able to get a glimpse of what depression is like. Experiencing something is key to helping others overcome their own struggles. I don’t think that a short-term experience compares in any way to the continual battle, and it certainly does NOT make me an expert, but I think I have a taste of what it’s like.  To understand. And now I can refer back to it! Whoo!

…let’s see how long it takes for me to get out of this one.

It’s Over.

My romantic relationship is officially over.

Remember how I wanted to propose this last weekend when I saw him? Then I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I loved him too much? When I saw him he made me so happy I couldn’t bring myself to ruin it. However, I knew….knew, knew, knew….that he wasn’t there himself.

I read people. I can tell. I’m not just boasting or anything either because I really do read people.

The signs were all there. It’s just in love it’s so hard to see…no…not hard to see, just hard to accept. He was growing more and more distant, and already being a not forthcoming guy about feelings and such, this was more than that. I mentioned before it was like being with a wall.

Well, I knew this was coming, I just didn’t know when to drop the ball…and I kept hanging on because I love him tremendously. Still do, and will always love him. And it’s not that he doesn’t love me because I know that he does. Just not romantically. Why then? He disclosed to me that he finds that he has little interest in anything at all besides work, and all he wants right now is to be yelled at military-style. He is suffering from depression. Badly. Says that he will see a psychiatrist to help.

You know, when I found him initially, he was in a deep depression too. He told me then that I came in time to pull him out of it. It was true. When we first started and for about a year and a half he was happy. Like real happy. It wasn’t fake. As I’ve been analyzing and being tormented for the past few months about our dissolving relationship, I realized that things that he said in the beginning weren’t actually true, about what he liked or what he didn’t. It wasn’t all that significant those early days because most people will in a budding relationship to endear themselves to the other. With this disclosure that he was pretty much wearing a mask and trying to be “normal” and being what he thought I wanted him to be, it all makes sense now. It answers so many of the questions and confusions I experienced throughout this ride. I put to him continually throughout our relationship to tell me what was bothering him. Not what he thought I wanted to hear, but what he was truly feeling or wanted. I did it one more time today and we made that breakthrough. That’s what I wanted to hear, because that’s what he truly felt. I didn’t need him in front of me to know that much, because of the fact that it answered so many questions.

I was going through different emotions as I analyzed and analyzed and analyzed some more. The anger, the sorrow, the anger, the resentment, but it wasn’t until either yesterday or today that the anger disappeared as I came upon a realization that what he needed was healing. If this was a video game, I probably would have heard the sound of glass breaking. An epiphany!

To be perfectly honest, when I set the proposal to him today to take the romance out of our relationship but still keep in touch, so that he could deal with what he needed to without me to impede him girlfriend-style, there was a strength behind me. Almost telling me that this is it. This is right. Didn’t stop the tears and the snot from spilling forth, but it was a different type of crying. I was/am not so sad about our relationship ending as the fact that I failed in my mission. My heart breaks for his internal struggle leagues more than for us as a failed couple. It’s just too sad. I tried so hard to be the one to help him through, to be IT. My one goal in all of this was for him to be happy. I was successful, but in the end I couldn’t accomplish it all the way. It sounds too altruistic to be true, but I truly truly wanted that for him. A U.S veteran, a firefighter…he has had too much hardship in his life and deserves to be happy. That in an of itself doomed us from the beginning, I realize, but I wanted it anyways. I understand, of course, that people don’t change people. Situations do, events do, because ultimately it’s up to them.

God. I feel like I gave up. Threw in the towel. For someone who doesn’t ever give up. If I’d given up on Liana she’d be with someone else now. Took me 3 years to earn her full devotion and trust. That’s what…30ish years in their life?

I want badly for him to keep in touch with me. I care significantly about what happens to him. I feel like he needs me more now than ever, having revealed to me and himself the real cause of all this pain. I told him that if he doesn’t check in every so often that I’ll come find him myself. If he needs me I’d drop everything and come running. Most importantly for me, I told him that I’ll love him forever. I’ve been saying it the whole relationship and I mean every word. He refused to let my hanging on to him get in the way of my future and I’m not desperate enough to let it impede my goals, but it still doesn’t change that I love him and his family. One day when he figures himself out, maybe he can find me if I’m still available? It was never about someone else. I already knew that, because he’s not that kind of person.

Hah…for someone who didn’t divulge much in terms of feelings to me, I certainly know so much about him.

Oh man, I don’t know how much of this post makes any sense. I think it’s just a bunch of feelings thrown in there. I cry for us, for him, for me. But then again, I’ve cried more for us in our relationship than is necessary, methinks.

If you were to examine our relationship from start to finish you would see a clear path and a clear difference. We started out emotionally charged in every way. He was explosive in anger. Our fights were crazy in the beginning. Then everything started smoothing out. The fights became less fights than arguments. The arguments evolved into discussions. Our last exchange here, was so calm. Moreso than I was prepared for. He’s a different person now in many aspects than when I first met him. For better and worse, but ultimately more better. I take solace in that fact, that I made a difference.

What is for sure, though, is that he was not a mistake. It was a huge gamble to jump into the relationship to begin with, and I hate gambles because the risk for pain is high, but I did. And I regret nothing. These last 2 years were not a waste in the least, for either of us. I don’t care what conclusions he comes up with. They weren’t. He was not a mistake. I may hang on to him, but it’s not because I invested too much (which I did because for me, it’s all or nothing. No in between). It’s because I truly love him. I feel bad too, but that’s still not a good enough reason to hang on to him.

Oh life. My life. Why does everything have to be so hard. Nothing I have to do is simple. It’s always complicated. As Mother Teresa once said, I know God won’t give me anything I can’t accomplish…but I wish he didn’t trust me so much. Something to that effect. As I get older, I realize that my job on this earth is to help people. I get the toughest patients. The hardest dogs. I help them, they get better, then they die, or leave me. But I guess that pleasure is in the time they had that was carefree, alleviated. It’s worth it, even with the pain. I told my family that I think from now on, I’ll only have dogs that need my help.

Damn. That makes this whole thing worse, because I did fail in the end.

Ah well. I’ll continue to be there for him, whether he likes it or not. I hope he will take me up on it, though, because I mean it.

I love you Matt. Forever.

 

….

…I am BORED OUT OF MY SKULL. And this is not something I say lightly because to me it’s the word “boredom” just shouldn’t really be said. There’s always something to do! Reading, music, video games, creating…but I truly am. I spent all day yesterday and today playing Tales of Berseria on my computer. Now I’m just waiting until 7 to go down and heat up some food. My brother has been at it again. He was up all freaking night playing Zelda, he woke up early AGAIN and has literally not moved all day long. I find myself trying my hardest not to go down there because it’s annoying. I think my mom feels similarly but she’s at work now. My dogs are bored too. I can play games all day long but even I start to feel that emptiness, that mind-numbing-pointless realization, no matter how good the game is. My body starts to complain because my muscles have seen minimal movement and I can feel the muscle fibers complaining. I like being content in life, because if you aren’t content then you’re never happy, but there’s a fine line there…It’s true that I’ve succeeded in all my life goals, and it’s true that I am hindered by money as to what I can do as I try to save anything I can, but I can certainly not be happy when every week and every weekend there is nothing to look forward to except video games, church, video games, grocery store, then work. And worse: all kept upstairs in my room unable (or unwilling!) to venture elsewhere in the house. It’s like living in the dorms!!! I was always wandering outside because I had to get away!

What an awful feeling it is to think I’ve wasted an entire day.

And unfortunately for me, my drawing abilities seem to be missing.

UUUUUUGH. I need some excitement! Some adventure! My book is good, but my body wants to do something, see something, learn something! I’ll just have to make up my mind to go do something on my own then. Not too expensive. Ugh I hate all these fetters: money, companionship, dogs, the fear of physical  injury lest I miss any work. Me, the one who loathes any constraints of any kind. I must impose them on myself otherwise I go overboard and regret it, but it makes for such a dull time, a dull life.

I’ve become like an old blade: dull, dusty, tarnished, only a shadow of my former glory, and without a hand to rely on, stuck in one place.

SO DEPRESSING.

It is FREAKING COLD

What a strange winter!!!! After hitting 80 in February we’re forecasted to receive our first and probably final major storm for this winter…coming up ton Monday to Tuesday! That forecast varies wildly from 4 inches to 20 inches. Basically (as usual) only time will tell. What I’ll tell you is that I’m getting my groceries and other errands done tomorrow. Ain’t gonna want to do dat on Sunday…especially because I’m working on Monday. Got paid today! Maybe we’ll be getting days off next week which will wreck havoc on our work schedule. Looks like I might have to be ferrying my mom around to or from work again, though this year my brother is quite capable of doing it too! And no doubt he’ll be out and about trying to drive in it. Honestly I’m excited!! I like to have at least one good snow.

Idiot at work today was unusually quiet (for the most part…) and I caught her telling herself to stop doing something. I swear she has some real anxiety issues or some disability or something. No matter what, it translates to a surprisingly bearable day today. Plus, traffic was light due to the weather no doubt and it was pretty watching the ice/snow/sleet come down on and off all day today. On top of it all everyone was pretty chill and nothing crazy happened at all. Very nice. Got some great conversations in with patients and several co-workers. Love getting social like that, you know? Especially around people I care about.

It’s the time of year again for CE credit courses!!! Every year I tell myself “next year I’ll do it early” and then March rolls around again and “d’oh!” I am and always have been a good student. It doesn’t take long for me at all to do these and I really do love to learn/re-learn subject matter. It feels good, too, to find out that I “still got it, ” though I will admit that focus is much harder. In particular tonight because….

…of the post I wrote this morning. While it’s the truth and it’s how I feel, I wanted to elaborate on it a bit. Whenever I have not enough time, things never end up getting described the way I’d like it be described. Yes, I do feel that way. It’s just like my hygiene graduation 7 years ago: what should have been a joyous and happy affair…really wasn’t. That time it was because I knew what we were about to do: pack up and run away from my dad, thereby starting the divorce process. It overshadowed every happy aspect of it. This time, I should be elated because my boyfriend is about to achieve his goal of attaining his dream job…and I truly am, I just know that the shadow of our relationship hanging by the end of that thread is floating there.

It’s not a set in stone, once it’s done we’re over thing, it’s just when our agreement ends. Haha…ironically it’s like we were married for 6 months. Just that we weren’t living together. Held together through all the currents and waves and tribulations by a mere oath. I will say, that holding on like that was a real eye opener. Through all of it I came to realize (as I mentioned) that I really did and truly continue to love him…possibly greater and certainly deeper than it ever was. Deeper in the sense that it’s not just a passing phase, it’s the real deal. I know I’ve mentioned my undying love for him constantly in past posts, but looking back on these 6 months I think I finally found the true meaning of love. I also think I’ve started to crack that relationship code…to comprehend what makes a relationship work, what it entails and feeds it, what kills it, what makes it tick. How a 2-person team should operate together as one. Well, I guess I should specify our relationship as each individual relationship is different. I’ve certainly learned to respect him, something reserved only for people I hold in very high esteem…obviously not readily doled out on my part given my cynical and highly critical tendencies.

Sigh. Even though it’s not set in stone, I fear that it will indeed come to pass anyways. I dread it, I grieve prematurely for it, I’ve tried to dull the inevitable pain. Through it all there’s that hope in me, a single light of hope, that somehow we can work out. That I don’t have to part from him. That I can just love him forever and be for him that one that he couldn’t find…I had two goals in our relationship: to bring him happiness because he deserves it,  and, like I mentioned, to be the one that lasts forever and through it all. Lofty goals, I now realize. Lofty and rather selfish. I never asked him if that’s what he wanted, I only assumed it. Making assumptions again without clear evidence.

No matter what, I’ve already told myself that I’ll respect whatever decision he’s made and whatever he wants to do in terms of our relationship. If I had it my way I’d keep him forever and make him marry me. heh heh. I’m not saying that all of the sudden we’ll live happily ever after the fabled “marriage” because I know that’s not how it all works. That is the subject for a different post. What I am saying is that given my way, I choose him to wrangle that part of life out with, but only if he’ll have me. If not, then that’s how it is. No hard feelings, no resentment. Maybe we’ll be able to remain friends. I always wondered why men and women can’t stay friends, and I’ve read that lovers who remain friends can only do so if they never loved each other or if they’re still in love with each other. I’ll take it. I’ve already lost him once. I told myself I wouldn’t lose him again. After that first time I really just wanted to be friends with him, not to pressure him into a relationship…it just turned that way anyways. All I know is in some shape or form, I always want to be in touch with him.

Sigh. It hurts. It hurts so much. Again. It never gets less painful. Then come the dreaded tears. Always with the tears. I guess I can’t help it.

Spring is NIGH

Except it feels more like winter right now, and with snow in the forecast for the weekend…

This Sunday is Daylight Savings Time! Bluh. Seriously they need to do away with the time changes. WHY. Messes everyone up. Only nice thing about DST is that I get to go home earlier and have more of an evening. AAAND yes it’s true that I’ve been waking up earlier anyways since I get up with the sun, not mankind’s interpretation of standard time. Still. My dogs will be happier.

Of course, I work on Monday, the first of 2 Monday stints I’m working for a total of 12 extra hours this month. Originally I meant to do it for 2 months to help recoup my finances after Gable, but now that I’m getting ready to work these Mondays, I’m dreading it. If it was just me and the normal coworkers, I’d be perfectly fine! Instead I have to deal with IDIOT. I HATE HER. Maybe hate is a strong word. I don’t hate HER per se, but I monumentally loathe working and being in her presence. It messes with my ability to provide my patients with top quality care because I spend my Thursdays and Fridays mad and irritated. If I was at the other end of the office or she wasn’t sitting next to me it’d be a different story because I could manage that, but alas that is not the case. She’s been here for 3 years now and she acts like every day is her first day as a hygienist…while telling everyone she’s been doing this for 27 years or whatever. The number keeps changing. Incompetent. Inefficient. Idiotic. Impossible to ignore. That’s what everyone tells me but I have zero choice in the matter.

I’m going to get an aneurysm some day.

I’ve thought again about the 40 hour a week thing. I never wanted to do that which is why I got this job for that flexibility, but right now that would be the only way out of my predicament where I’m hemmed in on all sides with no possible way out. Honestly compared to most of the world and my colleagues I work not much at all. I’m a bum. When I used to do it man I was rolling in cash. But I was also always tired. Making almost double what I make now (which is already ample) would make it financially possible for me to be able to afford anything I could ever want because let’s face it I’m not getting any younger. However WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THAT. I had it all worked out, financially set to be able to afford my relaxed way of life, to me, the key to happiness and a successful life while still being able to save up for retirement. I’ve waited several years now for it all to change. Now when I thought things were about to be ready for me to move on, it gets cut short AGAIN. WHY DO I CONTINUE TO HAVE TO BE BLOCKED AND NOT ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH WHAT I WANT. Always waiting for someone to do this or do that. This is why I hate relying on people. No one is ever reliable like myself. There have been many opportunities for me that I have been unable to pursue because I am NOT free to do as I wish.

UUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH. IT’S NOT FAIR. AT ALL.

Sigh

I thought that by typing everything out that the waterworks would stop, but it hasn’t. I was doing great all day because I was keeping myself busy making a photobook for my uncle (took up about half the daylight hours today. Involved some more tears when the memories and certain images of him came up, but not too much) and then finishing my game. And then I had some down time and BOOM. Every time I have a moment to myself the images keep coming back or some little memory I’d overlooked makes itself known (e.g. When I stayed with him in his last moments, I looked at his face and at the very end when he was taking his last breaths, he swallowed, looked at me and saw that his eyes had discharged liquid. Like he was crying and knew what was happening. It continues to haunt me).

Why does my brain do this? It insists on ruminating on details and playing them over and over. I know my memory is good and always has been. Maybe trying to learn from these stressful events? How to better cope? I don’t know but it’s detrimental in the hours after these situations. And it hurts.

…I AM getting better though. The tears last much less time, I recover faster, and I am able to hold them back for longer. I can feel myself coming to grips because some memories had me really bad this morning, but now I can think about them clearly. I’ll have to recount for my mom in detail at some point. How my brother (men in general) can recover so quickly is beyond me. This morning when I woke up and the tears just kept coming, what really made me feel better were my dogs and getting out of the house. It amazed me actually how contagious their happy energy was and how just being in nature and trees revitalized me.

Speaking of hurting: my nose and eyes are PAINFUL like they  have rashes right now.

I hope when my uncle gets the photobook he won’t be upset that I did that. More than likely he won’t but piling on the pain after he feels better seems like rubbing salt in a wound. Like rubbing anything on my nose right now.

In other news, M is so amped up after his first week. In the midst of tears this morning I texted him and begged him not to cut carbs from his diet anymore and he was like, WUT I’ve been eating all sorts of carbs and pasta and stuff because Academy is kicking his butt mentally and physically and he just couldn’t do without it anymore. Pleasant surprise and more reason for me to stop thinking and ruminating about things so much. Interestingly the whole time I’ve been rehearsing and pulling in arguments for my case, a nagging portion of me was like, what if he already IS eating carbs again? I can’t even begin to tell you how glad I am to hear him say that. The turnaround on his attitude and happiness level is like magic.

I’m sad to not have been able to see him today, but no one wants to see miss puffy face, water fountain. So glad he’s so happy.

Yesterday while at the e-vet I got to think about whether or not the field is right for me. I’d never even entertained the thought of using all of my biology and stuff knowledge to saves lives, for longer than 2 minutes. It was always, nope, too stressful, or nope, I can’t think on the fly to make a decision, or, no way, I don’t ever want to be responsible for life or death of any creature. Well, thinking on the fly last night was so successful I flabberghasted myself. Sometimes at work I’m like, Wut in the world? Apparently I hold myself such that I have authority, the way I say things or present them, because it’s somewhat common for new patients to ask me if I’m a dentist. Moreover, when I talk to people I become somewhat uncomfortably aware that I tend to have more knowledge of varied things than numerous folk. Which then just makes me feel bad that I’m learning almost NOTHING new these days besides which video game is good vs. another or what stupid thing idiot at work has to say today. Is the medical field right for me???????? Or just an interest? Bah. No matter what school does not pay bills lol. Maybe in a parallel universe.

OK dogs are begging to go out again. Hopefully the dark skies will draw people’s attention away from my face.