Category: despair

Sooo

…sooo….

Remember how I always manage to injure myself or something crazy before going South? I was doing great until late last night around 11:30pm when I let the dogs out. I saw that I’d left the battery inside the weed whacker, so I went to remove it, when the pusher thing from my aerator happened to fall off the shelf and smack onto my pinky toe. The ram rod is solid steel and it’s a rod which means it fell like a spear, pushing all its force into my one toe. GOOD GOD. The pain lingered, too, well into my sleeping. I was busy reading manga until close to 1am and it was still stinging/throbbing/paining. Thankfully when I woke up, I still felt it sore and stiff, but I can walk OK, it’s not broken and not swollen up tremendously. I was truly terrified I’d crushed the bone or done something awful when the pain wouldn’t stop for 2 hours. Walking is doable, but painful and I have to move my foot in a way so that the pinky toe doesn’t hit anything. I’m just glad it wasn’t any other toes or worse, the top of my foot altogether. Still quite painful, but only if I put pressure on it.

What it means, however, along with the fact that it’s currently raining here and South, is that I now have a decision to make as to when I want to venture down there. Yet another day wasted!! I can’t stain anything when the fence is wet, and while I can still finish up the mulch bed in the back, lugging, dragging and otherwise carrying heavy bags of mulch is going to take much longer and be much harder without my pinky toe to support. You never appreciate anything until you can’t use it. I completely disagree with the “scientists” who believe that not too long into our future, we’ll evolve out of pinky toes. Pfft. Mine is used regularly for balance and strength. Monkey feet.

I think I’m cursed.

I was going to post a photo here but I have the world’s ugliest feet.

At least tomorrow is going to be nice, but I feel bad because I took off of work today and now it’s yet another day wasted in that aspect. Just like my birthday week which I had had all planned out to go do things South and I couldn’t because I’d crashed my car and didn’t know that I didn’t have rental car coverage on my insurance.

It’s probably a good thing that I regularly smash my pinky toe on chair legs and such. Makes it tougher.

Oh and in the shower today I managed to drop my bar of soap. ON THE SAME TOE. Fun times.

In other news, when the dogs and I were rounding the final stretch this morning while coming home, I was busy telling Liana who was scanning the way for our friend Miss Bunny, that it looks like Miss Bunny isn’t out today in the rain! Well. One blind turn to the left and it all happened in a flash:

  1. Bunny hears us coming and darts ahead into the safety of the brush.
  2. The brush happens to be on our right and Bunny is coming from the left
  3. I don’t see Bunny, all I see is a flash of brown heading our way at top speed, which I assume to be a bunny
  4. My brain processes in the flash that this is Bunny, it’s heading our way, I have 2 greyhounds, one who is looking for Bunny and one who is just walking, but greyhounds nonetheless, and it looks like we’re going to collide, the rate at which all of us are approaching each other.
  5. Dread fills me as I have 2 wild fast predators with me
  6. Fight or flight response chooses option 3: FREEZE and GASP AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE
  7. Both dogs lunge at the same time as Bunny’s brain makes split second decision to jump vertically and execute aerial 180 degrees turn Gable is the closest and lunges right at Bunny who is probably mere inches from his face.
  8. I am frozen, so I have a death grip on his leash which I usually keep loosely short, which means that my arm isn’t getting ripped off and muscle tension insures that he isn’t going to get anywhere.
  9. On my other side, Lady Jaguar lunges too, but smashes into the back of my legs. I don’t feel much pain because once again I am frozen and tensed up.
  10. My body releases me and off we go, both dogs on a mission, ears up and hunting.
  11. I try to go as fast as my injured limp will allow me, and adrenaline is nice because it blocks pain.
  12. Bunny is long gone, so Liana in her irritation sniffs out where it was last, and poops. Twice. In that area. Gable adds some urine for good measure. Maybe a warning? A last, “I’ll get you next time, you wascally wabbit?”

Both dogs are both proud of themselves and annoyed that their human is ridiculously slow on the uptake and hunt. Pretty much worthless. Currently Gable is sighing and grumbling to himself because why the HECK are you home today, failed hunter? Feed me or do something useful.

Looks like the sun is coming out up here and the clouds are dispersing. I’ll head down around 11 or so, I think. Less traffic and give the water some time to dry. We have yet another freeze warning tonight. Sigh.

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Gaaah!

I’m in a BAD WAY. Financially.

Holy crap!

How did it get so out of hand!?

The goal was to get it down low or nonexistent again so that I can bring my car in for its 60k work that desperately needs to be done!

There’s no way I can afford a beach vacation this year if I keep this up. Absolutely not. I refuse to go into more debt than I already am in right now, especially expecting it to continue to pile up with car and you never know with my dogs. I’ve got to sell that house but fate does not want me to at all and it has loudly told me so.

My absolute goal in the next few months is to wrangle those credit card balances way back down. I just have to be extremely disciplined. What makes it harder is that since I’m paying for utilities now for House, this ridiculous up and down weather is wreaking havoc on the gas price!!!

GAME ON!

Losing It

I think I’m in a bad place right now. There is an understanding in my brain now, about why people think about “ending it all.”

Nothing at all seems to be going my way at all. I’m stuck in a position I can’t get out of, on many fronts. It’s a weird feeling: of belonging, but not. I’m glad, at times, that I live with my brother and mom, but then I feel resentment at everyone. When someone is talking, when someone is doing this or that. That I want peace and quiet, but they insist on talking. That the house is just a disaster of junk everywhere and always cluttered. That it’s too small. That there’s no yard. That why the hell am I this old and still living with my mom at all? I love it and I hate it. Then there’s work. I enjoy the company of my coworkers, but I hate the way the office is run. I can’t really leave work either because, well, no one else is going to want to hire me and overall it’s a chill workplace unlike 80% of the offices out there. I love it and I hate it.  That I am financially locked in what place I’m in right now because of the whole sister thing that I won’t get into. That I have no real friends. I do have them, but I end up pushing them away because I’m jealous and bitter and just don’t fit in with anyone else. And the one person who might be in the same situation as me, I can tell wants badly to win me over and I really don’t want to start anything with him. Then, you’d say, you always have solace with your dogs. No. I don’t. I haven’t, in the 6 years I’ve had dogs been able to feed them successfully for more than 1 week at a time. It’s tiresome, frustrating, wasteful, stressful and you know what? I’m sick and tired of it. I’ve had more thoughts of giving them up than keeping them these days.

Obviously I’m suffering from depression of some sort. That half in and half out feeling but overall completely powerless in all ways to change anything. It must be that same feeling that drives suicide. The last bit of control you still have in your life: to end it all, at your whim. That feeling that maybe I will finally matter to someone once it’s all over and I’m not here anymore. It’s not until you’re gone that people start to realize what you were in their lives.

I was walking the dogs home tonight and had that taste of being on my own again. Came home to an empty house. Just me. It was nice.

I am well aware that right now, this is all I want, but when I finally get that wish, I will miss what I had. You know, those “I wish for ___” and you get it, but at what cost? More sorrow and grief?

I’m bitter. Resentful. Wallowing. Stewing. A failure in all things. And those other, similar descriptors. All I want to do is nothing, and yet nothing has made me happy in a while. The beach was great, but I haven’t truly been happy happy. And no hope in the foreseeable future either. I’ll just drown here in my pool of self-pity, thanks.

On top of it all, I only have tomorrow and then I have to work on Monday. Sigh.

 

Depressing

I was just chatting with one of my long term suitors turned friend/suitor. Man. I really am still not ready to get back into the game. It’s really very depressing. He’s a nice guy and I’m still not interested in him in that way. I swear I’m too cynical, too narcissistic, too stubborn to be able do it again. And now, I’m even more jaded.

On top of it, my body wants nothing to do with working out. It’s only been a few days geez. Instead of being cooperative, my body and muscles just turn into rubber and want to sit there.

I dunno. I don’t have a positive view of myself anymore. It’s like I’m simply existing now. No real future in the near horizon. Prospects are there but every time each foothold is reached, the fog obscures the next one.

What am I doing it all for? Why am I alive? I feel like a mere shell of my former self. Nothing excites me anymore.

Still waiting. Just watching. Like a gargoyle.

I am so FAT

I can’t believe how much weight I’ve gained since…well…my breakup. I guess I no longer have any reason to be fit anymore, so I just let it all go. Tack on to it all the other stresses and there you go. This year hasn’t exactly been kind to me. While looking back on beach pictures, I swear I can pinpoint the exact day that I felt it was the point it all started becoming very noticeable. Blame can be placed on many different factors: my dogs are old and suffering various ailments so I don’t and can’t walk as far as I used to, I stopped going to my house altogether because it’s super awkward and she makes me frustrated meaning I didn’t get to heat-stroke myself doing yardwork nearly as much as in the past, my own age catching up to me and the one I keep blaming the most: my grand-aunt basically making me the group trashcan at the beach.

Bottom line, is that ALL of my clothes are tight, even my scrubs now, when I walk, my stomach and flab jiggle with every step, and I’m starting to get that neck-fat and stomach crease line. It terrified me when a shirt that has been fit and even loose on me suddenly wasn’t, so on Sunday night I ran downstairs to do an actual workout–something I’ve been horribly neglecting.  I’ve got to stay focused now. How very scary to know that in just a mere 6 months I’ve reverted back to Old-Rag-Fiasco status. Stress or not, I should never have let myself fall into that pattern. It takes one cookie, one bag of Cheese Doodles, to turn into 4 trays of cookies and a whole bag of beef jerky in one sitting.

Where is my focus, my self-control? Gone. As I self-indulge in my internal loneliness and depression. That’s got to be what it is. There’s a masked self-loathing in me, that I’ve got to be doing something wrong, that I’m such a horrible person. Why else would all these bad things happen? All my relationships dissolving around me. My goal hasn’t changed at all. I still want to make happy for the people I love. I still aim for my peace and happiness goal. Where is it? My co-worker is on a big trip to Taiwan and Japan. For the new year she’ll be gone on another 2 week trip. She said to me before she left that I need to go somewhere new and exciting, where I’ve never been (I’d been complaining that I no longer feel excitement like I used to when I was little. It’s just not there). Hah. Where? With whom? How? I have the world’s most needy dog whose heart would just break if I did (the other one is ok). I have no one to go with. I have my family, but man, wouldn’t it be nice to just go somewhere without them?

I was just reflecting the other day about how unfair my relationship had been (it just pops into my head sometimes, especially when I’m auto-botting my brain) and how I always knew it was never going to work. Anytime I’d bring up anything regarding the future or us, he’d get so angry and unpredictable. I remember talking to him about money because he literally just kept his money in a savings account with poor interest. Considering my dad works at a bank and my uncle is a financial advisor, I think I have decent knowledge about investing and stuff. He got so offended at me for even suggesting he put anything in even a money market account to at least get some interest. Very unreasonable. Then whenever I hinted at maybe taking a weekend trip with him somewhere, he’d say later, later after this and that. Obviously, it never happened. Heck, even local trips were like pulling teeth: if he had to work around his work schedule (not like I forced him to do anything like that, mind you, and he only worked like 3 days a week, not to mention it’s not hard for me to ask off of work too. I’d gladly have worked around his schedule) he’d let me know it the whole time we went. Like, look, I’m doing this thing for you, you’d better be grateful. Just coming to see me on a weekend where he literally didn’t want to do anything besides sit there and watch TV (didn’t have access to TV in the basement at his place) he acted like it was such a burden and that he took precious time to be with me. God forbid I mention marriage, or any sort of future flung planning. Then the dukes come up and I learned pretty quick to just not mention anything of the sort. If he brought up a topic, I’d expound on it, discuss it and general people talking stuff, then he’d tell me to shut up or he doesn’t want a discussion, he just wanted to say things. Holy freak. Looking back on it now, that seemed abusive. He was always so selfish. There were a few instances where he did think about me, but those were few and far between.

Now you know why I keep wishing someone would start taking care of me for once. I’m so sick and tired of one-sided relationships where I’m the loser and trying to keep everyone else afloat and smiling through it all. When you weigh out the benefits and detriments, it’s been me on the high end, suspended in the air, unable to get back to earth and held there by my shoulder burden relationships. This is why I’ve always trusted only me. Because I can’t rely on other people.

Then again, all I ever wanted to was to see people smile and be happy. And for me to be able to eat my cookies.

How depressing. Like the sky today.

Sister Trouble

Remember how when this whole business started I hoped and prayed that it wouldn’t strain our relationship? Well. There you go.

So last week I sent another e-mail to her about moving out. Mind you this is October. I sent the e-mail back in January telling her she had one year to leave. It wasn’t a nice email but then again I didn’t mean it to be because guess what? It’s, well, October. 10 months from the original notification. While yes I did tell her that she had until January, there has been plenty of time to move out. This was before even the whole baby thing. When they came up and announced they were having a baby back in April/Mayish, I took the opportunity, in person, to recommend they really think about moving before the baby arrived because there’s no way anyone would want go move with an infant around. Their response? Oh but we don’t want to change doctors. We’ll move right after the baby. Already a dumb decision. Then I started on to recommend if they can’t afford a house yet then at least rent. Oh no, we won’t rent. It’s a waste of money. We want a garage. So on and so forth with excuses and unrealistic wants. “I only want to move once.” Stupid things like that. At the time I had given the 1 year time frame and I was seriously regretting having been so generous but hey, I had stuff I still needed to do before selling anyways.

Well. They bought new cars. One was practical, a RAV4, the other completely dumb luxury hybrid. A want, not a need. He drives a car given to him for work why would he need an expensive car? They have no money for a down payment right? What about the baby? Student loans? A mortgage??? Then they wanted a dog. What are you going to do, subsist off ramen and pancakes? Owning a home is freaking expensive. Cell phone bills. Utilities. Personal property tax. Internet. Things go wrong. HOA fees. Owning a dog is even more unbelievably expensive and we’re not just talking money. Time. Patience. They need food. Vet bills. What are they going to do, dump the dog on me when they want to go somewhere? Dump the baby on my mom? They have no right to be picky about anything at all. They only sometimes pay me anything to live there and even then it’s not even half of the mortgage.

Do they have no consideration for others? How am I related to her???

I ask them to do me favors since I’m not there. For instance, I asked her to do the fertilizer for me since I already bought it but didnt have time to do it. Her answer (to my face here) was, “no you’re going to have to do it.” I asked her from the very beginning multiple times, in person (to both of them), in email, in text, to call someone about the siding. I will pay for it. She says, oh yeah, or doesn’t even acknowledge it. He says, “yeah yeah yeah I know.” Nothing happens. I asked him to do the mulch in the back for me. His mother does it instead. His only job is to mow the lawn. Now my neighbor is doing it. I HATE being indebted to people. I dont care how nice he is (and he is). What THE HELL does my brother in law do. Seriously. I buy a new fridge like a good landlord the day it went busto (which I still think was their fault but that’s not the point here) and all they do is complain about it. I don’t even know if they change the air filters for the HVAC once a month.

You know, I felt bad, ok, when he was being a deadbeat and they were subsisting solely on my sister’s wages. They had to buy generic everything. I felt awful. I asked him a couple times why he didnt apply for a part-time job at least and he would say boredly, “Oh, I applied at Best Buy….” Is that it? Just one place. Now he has a job. Ok then, take charge of your family and chop chop let’s go. Nope. Lots of excuses and I still don’t see much to show from it all. Just poor buying practices.

I really feel like I’m being taken advantage of by my own sister and they’re very ungrateful. It’s not my house anymore. It doesn’t feel like it. The only place that feels like mine is the backyard which I love so much. Heck, none of us want to go down there anymore. We used to go all the time and now it’s just excuses to not go. I hoped so badly when everyone warned me in the beginning (friends, coworkers, patients, relatives) about this arrangement that it would never become this because she’s my own sister. God knows that I would never dream of doing this. If I was down on my luck and needed to, you know I’d be grateful and out of their hair as quickly as I could. I just thought that because I was helping her out that she would think of me too. In the beginning it was mutually beneficial but not anymore. Hasn’t been for a year now and the more they make poor decisions and act entitled the more resentment builds within me. It shouldn’t have been this way. Now I know to never rely on them ever if I can help it.

They’re stubborn, demanding, and unreasonable given that they literally can’t afford to be.

And now she’s upset at me although she has no right to be. They have no leg to stand on. And she wants me to be able to talk to her? The one who is so easily offended by everything? Yeah that went well the last time we were in person. They told me they’d get a realtor in September. Guess what darling, it’s not September anymore.

The resentment keeps growing and of course their birthdays and the holidays are creeping up. She hasn’t graced me with images of the baby in a week now. Ooo she’s mad alright. But my mom is still getting them.

She knows I’m right. Even if they won’t and can’t admit it. Any 3rd party can see it. The only people who can’t are them.

I said it before, but I’m tired of taking care of people and getting nothing in return. When is someone going to take care of me? I’m grateful to my mom and brother for their help and support. I guess it’ll always just be me. At least I’ll always have myself. These one-sided relationships are not all that fun.

I’m not looking for repayment. I don’t want their money even if I’m in debt myself. Heck, that’s why I agreed to all of this in the first place: to help them out financially. I just want to be able to finally think about my own future again. Great you started a family. So act like one and take responsibility. Let my life move forward too.

It’s petty, negative and depressing to deal with this. Can’t wait until it’s finally over.

Liana Pain Again

My heart dies a little more whenever something like this happens. I came home yesterday and she was acting strangely: super excited even after the walk (a little bit longer than usual but not too far, and she was very tired), kept coming up to me and trying to be really close, doing a weird thing where she was “scratching” her belly with her back leg while standing up. I went to see if maybe there was a tick or something she stepped on, but nothing. She was nervous and tried to rip a box, then when I was eating strudels, she wanted to eat it and came to lick the container when I was done with it and still holding it. She never does that. We left to get some tomatoes, then when I came home I thought they were really hungry because she acted that way, so I fed them early as I was preparing our food. She literally ran in and pranced and jumped, so excited for her food and ate it in record time, finishing every bite. Then she went out to lay down again and my brother tells me she does something weird when you touch her back. This morning I notice she’s walking extremely slowly outside, but trying hard to keep up when I look at her, just like it was before the unbearable pain last time. When I run my hand along her back, she kicks her leg when I get to a certain point (this time the lumbar region) like it hurts. She’s a toughie, too, so this time I’m going to listen…it’s good I decided to keep some medication around despite what the vet told me last time.

We were supposed to go south to take advantage of the weather and my mom’s rare Saturday off, but after much deliberation, we decided not to. I mean, if this is truly the last time she’d be able to make it back down there like she loves, will I regret the decision? She can still walk and jog and stuff, she just hasn’t started screaming in pain yet. However, why make it worse? I know when she goes down there, she’s going to want to run which will exacerbate it. I know what’s happening now, let’s nip it in the bud.

That ball of fear in my stomach. That sinking feeling. I felt a strong grief and sadness last night as my mind decided, unbidden, to revisit my past sorrows. I did ask them to wait until after our beach trip to get sick and do whatever. They’d kept their end of the bargain. Her birthday is less than a month away.

Gable is worried, but is now upset that we’re not going anywhere and he’s stuck again in the house.