Sister Trouble

Remember how when this whole business started I hoped and prayed that it wouldn’t strain our relationship? Well. There you go.

So last week I sent another e-mail to her about moving out. Mind you this is October. I sent the e-mail back in January telling her she had one year to leave. It wasn’t a nice email but then again I didn’t mean it to be because guess what? It’s, well, October. 10 months from the original notification. While yes I did tell her that she had until January, there has been plenty of time to move out. This was before even the whole baby thing. When they came up and announced they were having a baby back in April/Mayish, I took the opportunity, in person, to recommend they really think about moving before the baby arrived because there’s no way anyone would want go move with an infant around. Their response? Oh but we don’t want to change doctors. We’ll move right after the baby. Already a dumb decision. Then I started on to recommend if they can’t afford a house yet then at least rent. Oh no, we won’t rent. It’s a waste of money. We want a garage. So on and so forth with excuses and unrealistic wants. “I only want to move once.” Stupid things like that. At the time I had given the 1 year time frame and I was seriously regretting having been so generous but hey, I had stuff I still needed to do before selling anyways.

Well. They bought new cars. One was practical, a RAV4, the other completely dumb luxury hybrid. A want, not a need. He drives a car given to him for work why would he need an expensive car? They have no money for a down payment right? What about the baby? Student loans? A mortgage??? Then they wanted a dog. What are you going to do, subsist off ramen and pancakes? Owning a home is freaking expensive. Cell phone bills. Utilities. Personal property tax. Internet. Things go wrong. HOA fees. Owning a dog is even more unbelievably expensive and we’re not just talking money. Time. Patience. They need food. Vet bills. What are they going to do, dump the dog on me when they want to go somewhere? Dump the baby on my mom? They have no right to be picky about anything at all. They only sometimes pay me anything to live there and even then it’s not even half of the mortgage.

Do they have no consideration for others? How am I related to her???

I ask them to do me favors since I’m not there. For instance, I asked her to do the fertilizer for me since I already bought it but didnt have time to do it. Her answer (to my face here) was, “no you’re going to have to do it.” I asked her from the very beginning multiple times, in person (to both of them), in email, in text, to call someone about the siding. I will pay for it. She says, oh yeah, or doesn’t even acknowledge it. He says, “yeah yeah yeah I know.” Nothing happens. I asked him to do the mulch in the back for me. His mother does it instead. His only job is to mow the lawn. Now my neighbor is doing it. I HATE being indebted to people. I dont care how nice he is (and he is). What THE HELL does my brother in law do. Seriously. I buy a new fridge like a good landlord the day it went busto (which I still think was their fault but that’s not the point here) and all they do is complain about it. I don’t even know if they change the air filters for the HVAC once a month.

You know, I felt bad, ok, when he was being a deadbeat and they were subsisting solely on my sister’s wages. They had to buy generic everything. I felt awful. I asked him a couple times why he didnt apply for a part-time job at least and he would say boredly, “Oh, I applied at Best Buy….” Is that it? Just one place. Now he has a job. Ok then, take charge of your family and chop chop let’s go. Nope. Lots of excuses and I still don’t see much to show from it all. Just poor buying practices.

I really feel like I’m being taken advantage of by my own sister and they’re very ungrateful. It’s not my house anymore. It doesn’t feel like it. The only place that feels like mine is the backyard which I love so much. Heck, none of us want to go down there anymore. We used to go all the time and now it’s just excuses to not go. I hoped so badly when everyone warned me in the beginning (friends, coworkers, patients, relatives) about this arrangement that it would never become this because she’s my own sister. God knows that I would never dream of doing this. If I was down on my luck and needed to, you know I’d be grateful and out of their hair as quickly as I could. I just thought that because I was helping her out that she would think of me too. In the beginning it was mutually beneficial but not anymore. Hasn’t been for a year now and the more they make poor decisions and act entitled the more resentment builds within me. It shouldn’t have been this way. Now I know to never rely on them ever if I can help it.

They’re stubborn, demanding, and unreasonable given that they literally can’t afford to be.

And now she’s upset at me although she has no right to be. They have no leg to stand on. And she wants me to be able to talk to her? The one who is so easily offended by everything? Yeah that went well the last time we were in person. They told me they’d get a realtor in September. Guess what darling, it’s not September anymore.

The resentment keeps growing and of course their birthdays and the holidays are creeping up. She hasn’t graced me with images of the baby in a week now. Ooo she’s mad alright. But my mom is still getting them.

She knows I’m right. Even if they won’t and can’t admit it. Any 3rd party can see it. The only people who can’t are them.

I said it before, but I’m tired of taking care of people and getting nothing in return. When is someone going to take care of me? I’m grateful to my mom and brother for their help and support. I guess it’ll always just be me. At least I’ll always have myself. These one-sided relationships are not all that fun.

I’m not looking for repayment. I don’t want their money even if I’m in debt myself. Heck, that’s why I agreed to all of this in the first place: to help them out financially. I just want to be able to finally think about my own future again. Great you started a family. So act like one and take responsibility. Let my life move forward too.

It’s petty, negative and depressing to deal with this. Can’t wait until it’s finally over.

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Liana Pain Again

My heart dies a little more whenever something like this happens. I came home yesterday and she was acting strangely: super excited even after the walk (a little bit longer than usual but not too far, and she was very tired), kept coming up to me and trying to be really close, doing a weird thing where she was “scratching” her belly with her back leg while standing up. I went to see if maybe there was a tick or something she stepped on, but nothing. She was nervous and tried to rip a box, then when I was eating strudels, she wanted to eat it and came to lick the container when I was done with it and still holding it. She never does that. We left to get some tomatoes, then when I came home I thought they were really hungry because she acted that way, so I fed them early as I was preparing our food. She literally ran in and pranced and jumped, so excited for her food and ate it in record time, finishing every bite. Then she went out to lay down again and my brother tells me she does something weird when you touch her back. This morning I notice she’s walking extremely slowly outside, but trying hard to keep up when I look at her, just like it was before the unbearable pain last time. When I run my hand along her back, she kicks her leg when I get to a certain point (this time the lumbar region) like it hurts. She’s a toughie, too, so this time I’m going to listen…it’s good I decided to keep some medication around despite what the vet told me last time.

We were supposed to go south to take advantage of the weather and my mom’s rare Saturday off, but after much deliberation, we decided not to. I mean, if this is truly the last time she’d be able to make it back down there like she loves, will I regret the decision? She can still walk and jog and stuff, she just hasn’t started screaming in pain yet. However, why make it worse? I know when she goes down there, she’s going to want to run which will exacerbate it. I know what’s happening now, let’s nip it in the bud.

That ball of fear in my stomach. That sinking feeling. I felt a strong grief and sadness last night as my mind decided, unbidden, to revisit my past sorrows. I did ask them to wait until after our beach trip to get sick and do whatever. They’d kept their end of the bargain. Her birthday is less than a month away.

Gable is worried, but is now upset that we’re not going anywhere and he’s stuck again in the house.

Maybe I should just stop saying things

Remember how I said I’d stay home this past week I had off from work in an attempt to limit how many bad things could happen to me? Well. Bad Luck still found me anyways, where I’ve been: at home.

  1. We had lots of rain and wind and stuff this July 4th week and I mentioned that I was just waiting for the gutter to fall down because it was. So I hammered it back in and tried to reset the part that  the squirrels keep knocking off.
  2. The tree in the back of our house has a major split in it and so I ended up calling some tree people to come and take a look. They did and told us that given the crackline, it’s better to just take the whole thing down because the prognosis is poor to hopeless for survival. After looking again at the tree…he’s right. If the crack went a little more left, it’d be more possible to save the tree, but it’s not. It’s going right down the midline of the trunk. Not only that but after he left us an estimate, we were discussing it all and I realized that the tree has probably been dying since at least last year. The leaves have been coming down more and more in the summer and not only that but the dying AND living leaves all have brown spots on it. Furthermore starting last year-ish our own plants on the deck have been developing infections/diseases and ultimately either dying off or showing very stunted growth. More than likely, there is a connection to the dropping leaves and progressively sickly plants. Even the split in the trunk looks diseased and it’s amazing the speed at which it’s been cracking. The tree is giving up. I wonder if it’s Gable and his toxic pee. Either way it needs to go before it takes out our neighbor’s fence and deck or our roof, especially with hurricane season quickly approaching.  20170709_091633_HDR
  3. This morning, after taking the dogs out to the park, I took a shower and found it to not have any hot water. My mom had the same issue so I had this awful feeling and ran down to the water heater. Pilot light not lit, so I try over and over to try and light it, but to no avail. Plumber called and he comes (this is a Sunday, mind you) and what seems to be a straight up and easy fix…you guessed it…turns out to be much more serious. Replace the whole water heater. I read people, remember? He tried really hard to fix it too. I kept trying to read him to see if he was just playing it up, but I don’t think so. He’s coming back tomorrow to replace the whole unit. He really didn’t want to try and fix it, I could tell, like the water heater itself wasn’t worth it. Then in talking with my mom, we remembered back when the HVAC was replaced the guy had mentioned that we should think about replacing the water heater too. At the time it had just been replaced by the previous owners and we didn’t have any problems so we just forgot about it. Boom. Now we wonder why he would have recommended that given the HVAC was replaced in 2011 when we bought the house and the water heater was placed either 2010 or early 2011…both men seemed to think very little of the unit. Ugh. Once again the previous owners screwed us over.

This is quite a bit of money. QUITE a bit. No more taunting this chicken. I need to find Boubar the Chicken statuette to put on our porch. This is the reason I decided to not go to the other house; I’d just spread my bad luck even further and I literally cannot afford that.

Took my dogs to Bull Run this morning, a park that they have not yet been to! Gable was adorable, my big trailblazer dog. It has been a while since I’ve seen him that excited. Unfortunately there was lots and lots of mud, so I wasn’t able to enjoy my time as much as I usually am able to, because I was busy picking my way around the muck. Made the poor decision to walk down a muddy slope against my better judgment and I should have listened to my gut. Nature’s slip’n’slide  that’s for sure. It’s amazing how 4 legs make navigating that kind of terrain much easier. Going back up was crazy hard and while I was scrabbling awkwardly on 4 appendages, my dogs were perched goat-like on the muddy slope like, what are you doing? Yaaaa. At least gnats and mosquitoes aren’t big fans of mud. Toughing it out in nature is still enjoyable to me, though. If I had used DEET bug repellent and waited for a drier day, I might have been able to go further, but we turned around. Still very enjoyable. I’ve been trying a natural bug repellent and found that not only does it wear off quickly, but you need a thick layer of it otherwise the bugs find the thin spots and start the feast.

 

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My most valuable and dear belongings

 

I’ll be spending yet another day playing video games as we wait for the installation and the advent of hot water. You know, with all this talk of moving, we keep updating/replacing everything. Why are things made better before you move out of a place so that someone else can enjoy your hard earned money? Bah. Houses.

GUH GUH GUH GUH

I am still very upset. This is worse than feeling sad, in my opinion. Anger really is awful stuff. It transforms memories into negative events, it lingers, it eats and just gnaws on me even when I think there’s nothing left to gnaw on. It sits in my heart and just hangs out. I tried all sorts of stuff and nothing is lasting…I think I’ll just have to let it burn off over time. I gave the body a good dose of resistance training and a spirited punching bag session…which didn’t accomplish all it set out to do because as soon as I’d get mad and see his face in the bag I just started losing strength in the punches because I don’t hate him; as much as my anger has been trying to convince me to hate him, that understanding, that compassion, slides in and takes over. I wasn’t raised to loathe and hate people (although there are 2 people that are right in the middle of that circle…) and in the end, like I’ve been repeating myself broken record style, I really do care about him and his family. No matter how much he hates me now, I can’t help but remember the intensity of his pain and grief behind those abhorrent texts. He talked tough like it was me who would be hurt, but it’s him. It’s always been him. I have a powerful and stable spirit and network of family and support…even if it’s small. They’re always there for me and I draw strength from them. I…don’t think he has that. He keeps pushing his family away, though they also care tremendously for him. His friends don’t seem very helpful or supportive…maybe they are on Facebook (he unfriended me before I could him this morning. Probably blocked me too) but not in person. He pushes everyone away though. It’s probably not their faults.

Eh. He’s out of my life now. I want nothing to do with him anymore. If he or his family asked me for help, I would immediately, but they won’t and he certainly won’t. I know him, though he doesn’t know a lick about me. I know he’s hurting bad on top of losing that patient yesterday. I know he’s been hurting really really badly about our relationship, and hiding it inside himself while pretending he’s unfazed by it. Then he’ll try his hardest to forget and just erase it all like it never happened in the hopes that the pain will stop. But it won’t. And he’ll be a slave to all experiences of grief his entire life no matter how hard he tries, but it’s all he knows to do and it’s “worked” in the past.

I learned over the years that is NOT the way. Running away from your stresses and sorrows never helped me in the long run…maybe short-term, but never long enough. Face them head on, accept it, turn it around and learn from it, pretending it’s a teaching moment or a lesson in life (because it is), and hold no ill-will. That’s how to attain peace and happiness. It’ll hurt so much at first, but it’s totally worth it. Let it out, let it go, give it up. Way up. Now. Exactly how long it’ll take to feel better? I dunno. But the human mind is unbelievably powerful. As well as the spirit.

Mind, body, spirit. You need all three pillars to hold up your life. Lose one, put too much in one or have one too short and your life becomes rocky and unstable. When you master or have control over all 3, then you stop thinking about yourself because you already understand yourself. That’s when you can focus on others and on life.

I tried to help him look at his stresses and troubles that way, but he couldn’t and/or didn’t want to understand. His spirit is lacking big time, but it’s his soul, for sure. Turbulent and confused. He could only focus on himself because he didn’t know himself, still doesn’t know himself. I’m thinking that he might never find the answer…though I don’t wish that on him, because everyone deserves to find their peace and place.

Huh, all this philosophical stuff calmed my own heart down. The first no longer burns as hot. I guess…it’s because I’m trying to give him excuses like I always have, to analyze him and figure out why he is the way he is.

Eh. I do it for everyone, not just him…he just means…meant…so much to me.

I’m still restless. I need a true vacation, a change of scenery…a friend. A person. Something different. Different people. I never wanted to look for another relationship more than today, but that’s stupid and that’s anger talking. I’m in no position as jaded as I am right now to make good decisions and my situation doesn’t allow me to either. I’m lonely. I just want to be held, to be loved, to be kissed. Never more than right now.

…when will I be strong again? Independent again? Like I used to be? I’m so morose and depressing now. Cynical. Uncaring.

Someone help me, please.

The End?

As I was working yesterday I was waiting, waiting because I just knew my mom would text me something bad about my girl. Trusting that gut. After noon passed, I thought maybe the worst was over and I started to relax, but then my mom calls the office as an emergency and my worst fears were confirmed. We had just secured Friday with a temp for me, but I had to ask for today (Thursday) off. As fate would have it, the dentist’s patient didn’t come so he took my last patient for me and off I ran. Cried pretty much the entire drive home.

When I finally get inside the home, it was just like Tristan all over again. She tried to get up and greet me, but my mom was holding her back because she’d been crying in severe pain all day. I tearfully called the vet even though I tried to remain calm, and they told me to come over. My brother helped me bring her (got chased after by some moron in a Sorento because I cut her off. Can you believe she FOLLOWED me all the way to the vet just so she could confront me? Except she was scared and stayed in the car the whole time. In the mean time she was definitely not in the lane when I was trying to change lanes. Must’ve been doing 60mph or something. Plus, I was almost crashed into by a massive pickup forcing itself into my lane too, it’s not like people around here don’t cut you off all the time. I was so infuriated by her and in grief I managed to carry Liana all the way into the vet on my own. Amazing strength anger gives you) and she was freaking out the whole time and lying down which is very atypical of her at the vet.

Vet agreed with me about her toughness because she didn’t indicate consistently about what hurt her. Got xrays, gave her a pain shot, and the suspicion was slipped disc. Radiographs ruled out osteosarcoma, the biggest fear. Basically it most likely is a slipped disc, you’d need an MRI to know for sure. Other things it could be is just pinched nerve or even neural tumor. Treatment entails medications (gabapentin, muscle relaxer and Rimadyl) and rest for 10 days then re-evaluate. Cause? Could honestly be anything. More than likely her spirited romping on Saturday. About $800 later I was able to take her home. It was a relief but also a major worry that I was able to take her home, because when it comes down to it, I already know from 2 sources what it takes to deal with spinal surgery. $15,000 straight up and MRI too? I can’t. Just can not. Afford that.

That’s where the decision has to be made. Say I do the surgery to save her. She’s 9. She’s a large dog. 10-12 year lifespan. There’s recovery, there’s a chance she doesn’t make it out of surgery or has the same problem Gable does with bleeding (apparently he’s a big celebrity at my vet’s office too about that). Now my side of it, I’m losing even more work and have a massive debt that there’s no way I could pay off unless I sell my house. Which I can’t. And what quality of life is it without surgery? Not a good one at all. Always tiptoeing around stairs or not being able to run or chase squirrels. She’s like me in that she’s all or nothing. It sucks more than anything to know you’re capable of something but having to hold back. Is that living? Who would I be prolonging her life for then? Me or her?

When I got home yesterday, I went to take Gable out for a second walk because he didn’t poop for my mom and he was being Velcro dog with me. Liana was adamant about coming along, so I promised we wouldn’t go far at all. She was very excited and hurried along with us onto the grass. Then, she didn’t want to go anymore. She didn’t want to go forward and she didn’t want to go back. She just wanted to go towards the trees and lay down. I’ve never been more sure in anything, knowing she was ready and willing to die. Just like Tristan. I tried to carry her back, but she was a dead weight and so unbelievably heavy. Eventually my mom came looking for me and had to get my brother to carry her back into the house again. He dropped her at the door and I had to help. She must have been being a dead weight again. Back inside, she lay down and refused to do anything else. No water, no food. Forced some water down her, but she was tachycardic and breathing unbelievably heavily until almost 11pm. Forced the pills down her around 8pm…didn’t seem to make much of a difference in sedating her at all. Lots of screaming every time she tried to move. Her eyes, though, were the worst. They were wild and staring, unfocused, never closing. Gable treated her like she was basically nonexistent.

She wanted to die, I think, very badly. The pain must be unbearably excruciating, even with the pain shot.

Watching her last night and sleeping in the living room with her through the night, experiencing even worse cries and screaming than I’ve ever heard from her as she tried to turn onto her other side. She whimpered basically all night and didn’t move again. At one point I lay on the floor beside her, I could sense a fear like she didn’t want to be alone, a little disorientation.

This morning she was extremely hesitant to do anything, but I asked her to get up. She refused water again, but willingly went down the stairs with me to the backyard. She just wants to be outside. Just stood there for a while, staring at the gate, and then came back in. She couldn’t do the stairs up so I had to walk her slowly up. She lay down on the big bed like she’d wanted to all night, so I napped for a little. Then my mom gets up and I’m able to walk Gable by himself quickly before she has to leave for work. I couldn’t help but break down on the walk. It was just me and my boy again and the prospect of that in the near future was so painful. When we come back home, Liana is standing up in her bed. She had eaten one small piece of chicken. I go take a shower and come back down to see her standing up on her own again. My mom was gone but looks like Liana wants to go on a walk. I gear her up, swatting at Gable to stay (silly boy) and slowly walk her out. She’s looking out at the grass again so I take her behind the house to the quad area. She pees a bit, smells things, watches squirrels. Limps, trips, slowly makes her way around. Looks like she wants to lay out there too, but this time she comes back slowly with me. When I turn to go into the house, she pauses, looks at the trees again and then goes into the house with me. She stands and waits where I usually take off their collars, then goes in to drink water like we always do. My heart is light at that. She then proceeds to sniff around for food. I go to prepare some food, but she still refuses to eat out of my hand or the bowl and only eats 2 small pieces of beef (Gable poohpoohs his altogether, the snot). Forced her to take her meds again, and…that’s where we are right now. They’re both napping.

Now I’m unsure of what will happen. I was settled in thinking she had given up on life altogether, but this new improvement is heartening while disheartening at the same time. Heartening in that she feels better, but disheartening in that putting her down would be extremely difficult, knowing there’s a chance and that she wants to live again.

There’s always the hope that it really is just muscular-based and with the relaxers, pain meds and rest it will be all better. My patient with a similar issue said that eventually it just went away in her dog, and good, too, because they wouldn’t have been able to do the $15,000 either.. I’m so glad for my patients. However, I’m nothing but realistic and always planning for the worst. That’s twice now that I’ve been faced with possibly not taking them home again, but I have been able to. In this case, it’s not over and the possibility of losing her is still extremely high, but I have some more time at least.

Sometimes it’s worse, having more time, but always better than a surprise.

When they were playing and romping on Saturday, I remember thinking to myself,  how blessed I am to be able to see this because this might be the last time I ever see that. Then I decided against going to get my phone to video it because I didn’t want to miss a second of it, to always have it in my mind. Got to play with her and him and watch them be as happy as greyhounds can be. I did think it strange that she ran as hard as she did, I fully expected her to stop after one lap, but she kept going, almost like she knew it would be her last, too. Even earlier this year she hadn’t run that hard. Of course, I almost wish I’d stopped her and we could have avoided all of this, but I’m sure if it wasn’t this than something else would’ve done it. At least she was happy doing what she loved most.

Well, for now, she feels better. No screaming today, just yelping. I know I’m just delaying the inevitable, but I’ll hold out hope. We have 10 days. She’s a stubborn, stoic dog. The most stubborn and stoic I’ve seen and may ever see. Cesar Millan says truly stubborn dogs are very rare, but I am convinced she is one. My tough old lady.

Depression, A glimpse

Remember when I said that I don’t really understand depression? Also, remember when I just posted about feeling numb? Well. The former is a bit of a lie. I do understand a little bit of depression. I’ve been in one several times in my life. They just weren’t the real deal, long term. I get short term depression, as do others. In my day to day life I don’t suffer from it at all, but I think I am now.

When did it sink in? Must have been this morning. The adrenaline or whatever must be starting to wear off. I’ve seen art representing depression online and on TV for the depression medications. Obviously, though, I can’t exactly remember what it’s like to go through it. I watched my brother do battle with it for years after and during the whole dad-thing. He’s very well now and so happy and well-adjusted. More than likely I’ve had it since Sunday, THE DAY, but it didn’t hit me full-force until today. Thankfully work wasn’t too bad either. Maybe the weather didn’t help? It has been raining like crazy.

It came to light on the drive to work when I realized I didn’t feel emotion. Throughout the week I’ve been aware of my extra-enthusiastic self, almost to the point of excessively so. The numbness this morning (being unable to get a rise out of myself, or bringing myself to feel something) and then zoning out/tuning out people who are talking to me (been happening all week) alongside a low-grade, continual irritation (made worse by talking and being talked to), plus having to fake being happy and “normal” to my patients like nothing is wrong (feels so awful!!) and lastly wanting to be with people while simultaneously wanting to be alone.

Then it hit me HARD that all the words I typed above reminded me exactly of M.

So. I got a glimpse? A taste? I feel it right now. I was just downstairs in the basement, having forced myself to go down to workout again, and while it felt good, I had no drive. I’d start and then it would wane. I tried to make myself angry for the punching bag, but as the punches flew, they got weaker and weaker until I just stopped and gave up.

I can see that desire to “feel something” if this is something I would have to deal with on a day to day basis. For him the only thing that could make him “feel” was being yelled at or devoting himself completely to work and that’s it because work made him feel good, or needed or something…something he could accomplish successfully.

Now that I’m typing and thinking about all of this, yes, I have felt this before. BUT. The difference for me, is that for some reason, I can get out of it. I may be feeling depression and depressed right now in this moment in time (for good reason), however, it’s not a long-term problem for me. I have figured it out. How to escape. Something/someone has paved me a surefire path. Given me a ladder. An escape rope. And not only an escape tool, but a car to continue along the “normal” and “happy” path. That was probably my childhood. My unwavering spiritual health. My circle of loved ones. My dogs. Deep within me I am happy and I seek peace. I know how to channel the negativity, I know how to “let go” and “give it up.” Even with my obsessive tendencies.

He told me not too long ago that he knows that he needs to let go and not mull on things. It doesn’t do him any good and it just makes him upset. In the past, now that I think about it, I’ve tried several times to give him advice on seeking peace. It’s not something that just happens overnight, and not just one magic thing is right for everyone. I wanted to help him find it, but it was always (here we go again) met with either loss of desire or whatever. I still strongly regret that we didn’t get to see each other more often. When I was with him, in his presence, I tried hard to absorb it for him (that’s what I do for my anxiety patients) and release calm instead. Then again, it’s one thing to give words, and it’s completely different for him to practice it. Just like at work: I can clean everything off and give you a clean slate, but it’s up to you to keep it off. Otherwise, the plaque and tartar will just keep coming back. If he didn’t and doesn’t want to, well, there’s not much I can do except remind, demonstrate, and hope this time he takes the advice. Sometimes it takes seeing a different clinician too, because one person saying something all the time just sounds like nagging.

Well. I just am very aware and knowledgeable about myself. Narcissistic and self-concerned tendencies will do that. I can tell you every single one of my flaws if you wish for me too. I know they’re there and I’m always trying to control them. I guess that self-knowing ability is why I am able to come out of it? They say that before you try to know/love others, you need to know/love yourself. Haha. I love myself, that’s for sure.

Hmmm….come to think of it, people with depression/anxiety tend to hate photos of themselves. I love photos of myself. Of everything and everyone. I just love pictures. Especially the candid kind…the ones that everyone else hates. Heck, I was taking selfies long before they were the rage.

While inconvenient, it is nice to be able to get a glimpse of what depression is like. Experiencing something is key to helping others overcome their own struggles. I don’t think that a short-term experience compares in any way to the continual battle, and it certainly does NOT make me an expert, but I think I have a taste of what it’s like.  To understand. And now I can refer back to it! Whoo!

…let’s see how long it takes for me to get out of this one.

It’s Over.

My romantic relationship is officially over.

Remember how I wanted to propose this last weekend when I saw him? Then I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I loved him too much? When I saw him he made me so happy I couldn’t bring myself to ruin it. However, I knew….knew, knew, knew….that he wasn’t there himself.

I read people. I can tell. I’m not just boasting or anything either because I really do read people.

The signs were all there. It’s just in love it’s so hard to see…no…not hard to see, just hard to accept. He was growing more and more distant, and already being a not forthcoming guy about feelings and such, this was more than that. I mentioned before it was like being with a wall.

Well, I knew this was coming, I just didn’t know when to drop the ball…and I kept hanging on because I love him tremendously. Still do, and will always love him. And it’s not that he doesn’t love me because I know that he does. Just not romantically. Why then? He disclosed to me that he finds that he has little interest in anything at all besides work, and all he wants right now is to be yelled at military-style. He is suffering from depression. Badly. Says that he will see a psychiatrist to help.

You know, when I found him initially, he was in a deep depression too. He told me then that I came in time to pull him out of it. It was true. When we first started and for about a year and a half he was happy. Like real happy. It wasn’t fake. As I’ve been analyzing and being tormented for the past few months about our dissolving relationship, I realized that things that he said in the beginning weren’t actually true, about what he liked or what he didn’t. It wasn’t all that significant those early days because most people will in a budding relationship to endear themselves to the other. With this disclosure that he was pretty much wearing a mask and trying to be “normal” and being what he thought I wanted him to be, it all makes sense now. It answers so many of the questions and confusions I experienced throughout this ride. I put to him continually throughout our relationship to tell me what was bothering him. Not what he thought I wanted to hear, but what he was truly feeling or wanted. I did it one more time today and we made that breakthrough. That’s what I wanted to hear, because that’s what he truly felt. I didn’t need him in front of me to know that much, because of the fact that it answered so many questions.

I was going through different emotions as I analyzed and analyzed and analyzed some more. The anger, the sorrow, the anger, the resentment, but it wasn’t until either yesterday or today that the anger disappeared as I came upon a realization that what he needed was healing. If this was a video game, I probably would have heard the sound of glass breaking. An epiphany!

To be perfectly honest, when I set the proposal to him today to take the romance out of our relationship but still keep in touch, so that he could deal with what he needed to without me to impede him girlfriend-style, there was a strength behind me. Almost telling me that this is it. This is right. Didn’t stop the tears and the snot from spilling forth, but it was a different type of crying. I was/am not so sad about our relationship ending as the fact that I failed in my mission. My heart breaks for his internal struggle leagues more than for us as a failed couple. It’s just too sad. I tried so hard to be the one to help him through, to be IT. My one goal in all of this was for him to be happy. I was successful, but in the end I couldn’t accomplish it all the way. It sounds too altruistic to be true, but I truly truly wanted that for him. A U.S veteran, a firefighter…he has had too much hardship in his life and deserves to be happy. That in an of itself doomed us from the beginning, I realize, but I wanted it anyways. I understand, of course, that people don’t change people. Situations do, events do, because ultimately it’s up to them.

God. I feel like I gave up. Threw in the towel. For someone who doesn’t ever give up. If I’d given up on Liana she’d be with someone else now. Took me 3 years to earn her full devotion and trust. That’s what…30ish years in their life?

I want badly for him to keep in touch with me. I care significantly about what happens to him. I feel like he needs me more now than ever, having revealed to me and himself the real cause of all this pain. I told him that if he doesn’t check in every so often that I’ll come find him myself. If he needs me I’d drop everything and come running. Most importantly for me, I told him that I’ll love him forever. I’ve been saying it the whole relationship and I mean every word. He refused to let my hanging on to him get in the way of my future and I’m not desperate enough to let it impede my goals, but it still doesn’t change that I love him and his family. One day when he figures himself out, maybe he can find me if I’m still available? It was never about someone else. I already knew that, because he’s not that kind of person.

Hah…for someone who didn’t divulge much in terms of feelings to me, I certainly know so much about him.

Oh man, I don’t know how much of this post makes any sense. I think it’s just a bunch of feelings thrown in there. I cry for us, for him, for me. But then again, I’ve cried more for us in our relationship than is necessary, methinks.

If you were to examine our relationship from start to finish you would see a clear path and a clear difference. We started out emotionally charged in every way. He was explosive in anger. Our fights were crazy in the beginning. Then everything started smoothing out. The fights became less fights than arguments. The arguments evolved into discussions. Our last exchange here, was so calm. Moreso than I was prepared for. He’s a different person now in many aspects than when I first met him. For better and worse, but ultimately more better. I take solace in that fact, that I made a difference.

What is for sure, though, is that he was not a mistake. It was a huge gamble to jump into the relationship to begin with, and I hate gambles because the risk for pain is high, but I did. And I regret nothing. These last 2 years were not a waste in the least, for either of us. I don’t care what conclusions he comes up with. They weren’t. He was not a mistake. I may hang on to him, but it’s not because I invested too much (which I did because for me, it’s all or nothing. No in between). It’s because I truly love him. I feel bad too, but that’s still not a good enough reason to hang on to him.

Oh life. My life. Why does everything have to be so hard. Nothing I have to do is simple. It’s always complicated. As Mother Teresa once said, I know God won’t give me anything I can’t accomplish…but I wish he didn’t trust me so much. Something to that effect. As I get older, I realize that my job on this earth is to help people. I get the toughest patients. The hardest dogs. I help them, they get better, then they die, or leave me. But I guess that pleasure is in the time they had that was carefree, alleviated. It’s worth it, even with the pain. I told my family that I think from now on, I’ll only have dogs that need my help.

Damn. That makes this whole thing worse, because I did fail in the end.

Ah well. I’ll continue to be there for him, whether he likes it or not. I hope he will take me up on it, though, because I mean it.

I love you Matt. Forever.