Losing It

I think I’m in a bad place right now. There is an understanding in my brain now, about why people think about “ending it all.”

Nothing at all seems to be going my way at all. I’m stuck in a position I can’t get out of, on many fronts. It’s a weird feeling: of belonging, but not. I’m glad, at times, that I live with my brother and mom, but then I feel resentment at everyone. When someone is talking, when someone is doing this or that. That I want peace and quiet, but they insist on talking. That the house is just a disaster of junk everywhere and always cluttered. That it’s too small. That there’s no yard. That why the hell am I this old and still living with my mom at all? I love it and I hate it. Then there’s work. I enjoy the company of my coworkers, but I hate the way the office is run. I can’t really leave work either because, well, no one else is going to want to hire me and overall it’s a chill workplace unlike 80% of the offices out there. I love it and I hate it.  That I am financially locked in what place I’m in right now because of the whole sister thing that I won’t get into. That I have no real friends. I do have them, but I end up pushing them away because I’m jealous and bitter and just don’t fit in with anyone else. And the one person who might be in the same situation as me, I can tell wants badly to win me over and I really don’t want to start anything with him. Then, you’d say, you always have solace with your dogs. No. I don’t. I haven’t, in the 6 years I’ve had dogs been able to feed them successfully for more than 1 week at a time. It’s tiresome, frustrating, wasteful, stressful and you know what? I’m sick and tired of it. I’ve had more thoughts of giving them up than keeping them these days.

Obviously I’m suffering from depression of some sort. That half in and half out feeling but overall completely powerless in all ways to change anything. It must be that same feeling that drives suicide. The last bit of control you still have in your life: to end it all, at your whim. That feeling that maybe I will finally matter to someone once it’s all over and I’m not here anymore. It’s not until you’re gone that people start to realize what you were in their lives.

I was walking the dogs home tonight and had that taste of being on my own again. Came home to an empty house. Just me. It was nice.

I am well aware that right now, this is all I want, but when I finally get that wish, I will miss what I had. You know, those “I wish for ___” and you get it, but at what cost? More sorrow and grief?

I’m bitter. Resentful. Wallowing. Stewing. A failure in all things. And those other, similar descriptors. All I want to do is nothing, and yet nothing has made me happy in a while. The beach was great, but I haven’t truly been happy happy. And no hope in the foreseeable future either. I’ll just drown here in my pool of self-pity, thanks.

On top of it all, I only have tomorrow and then I have to work on Monday. Sigh.

 

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Depressing

I was just chatting with one of my long term suitors turned friend/suitor. Man. I really am still not ready to get back into the game. It’s really very depressing. He’s a nice guy and I’m still not interested in him in that way. I swear I’m too cynical, too narcissistic, too stubborn to be able do it again. And now, I’m even more jaded.

On top of it, my body wants nothing to do with working out. It’s only been a few days geez. Instead of being cooperative, my body and muscles just turn into rubber and want to sit there.

I dunno. I don’t have a positive view of myself anymore. It’s like I’m simply existing now. No real future in the near horizon. Prospects are there but every time each foothold is reached, the fog obscures the next one.

What am I doing it all for? Why am I alive? I feel like a mere shell of my former self. Nothing excites me anymore.

Still waiting. Just watching. Like a gargoyle.

I am so FAT

I can’t believe how much weight I’ve gained since…well…my breakup. I guess I no longer have any reason to be fit anymore, so I just let it all go. Tack on to it all the other stresses and there you go. This year hasn’t exactly been kind to me. While looking back on beach pictures, I swear I can pinpoint the exact day that I felt it was the point it all started becoming very noticeable. Blame can be placed on many different factors: my dogs are old and suffering various ailments so I don’t and can’t walk as far as I used to, I stopped going to my house altogether because it’s super awkward and she makes me frustrated meaning I didn’t get to heat-stroke myself doing yardwork nearly as much as in the past, my own age catching up to me and the one I keep blaming the most: my grand-aunt basically making me the group trashcan at the beach.

Bottom line, is that ALL of my clothes are tight, even my scrubs now, when I walk, my stomach and flab jiggle with every step, and I’m starting to get that neck-fat and stomach crease line. It terrified me when a shirt that has been fit and even loose on me suddenly wasn’t, so on Sunday night I ran downstairs to do an actual workout–something I’ve been horribly neglecting.  I’ve got to stay focused now. How very scary to know that in just a mere 6 months I’ve reverted back to Old-Rag-Fiasco status. Stress or not, I should never have let myself fall into that pattern. It takes one cookie, one bag of Cheese Doodles, to turn into 4 trays of cookies and a whole bag of beef jerky in one sitting.

Where is my focus, my self-control? Gone. As I self-indulge in my internal loneliness and depression. That’s got to be what it is. There’s a masked self-loathing in me, that I’ve got to be doing something wrong, that I’m such a horrible person. Why else would all these bad things happen? All my relationships dissolving around me. My goal hasn’t changed at all. I still want to make happy for the people I love. I still aim for my peace and happiness goal. Where is it? My co-worker is on a big trip to Taiwan and Japan. For the new year she’ll be gone on another 2 week trip. She said to me before she left that I need to go somewhere new and exciting, where I’ve never been (I’d been complaining that I no longer feel excitement like I used to when I was little. It’s just not there). Hah. Where? With whom? How? I have the world’s most needy dog whose heart would just break if I did (the other one is ok). I have no one to go with. I have my family, but man, wouldn’t it be nice to just go somewhere without them?

I was just reflecting the other day about how unfair my relationship had been (it just pops into my head sometimes, especially when I’m auto-botting my brain) and how I always knew it was never going to work. Anytime I’d bring up anything regarding the future or us, he’d get so angry and unpredictable. I remember talking to him about money because he literally just kept his money in a savings account with poor interest. Considering my dad works at a bank and my uncle is a financial advisor, I think I have decent knowledge about investing and stuff. He got so offended at me for even suggesting he put anything in even a money market account to at least get some interest. Very unreasonable. Then whenever I hinted at maybe taking a weekend trip with him somewhere, he’d say later, later after this and that. Obviously, it never happened. Heck, even local trips were like pulling teeth: if he had to work around his work schedule (not like I forced him to do anything like that, mind you, and he only worked like 3 days a week, not to mention it’s not hard for me to ask off of work too. I’d gladly have worked around his schedule) he’d let me know it the whole time we went. Like, look, I’m doing this thing for you, you’d better be grateful. Just coming to see me on a weekend where he literally didn’t want to do anything besides sit there and watch TV (didn’t have access to TV in the basement at his place) he acted like it was such a burden and that he took precious time to be with me. God forbid I mention marriage, or any sort of future flung planning. Then the dukes come up and I learned pretty quick to just not mention anything of the sort. If he brought up a topic, I’d expound on it, discuss it and general people talking stuff, then he’d tell me to shut up or he doesn’t want a discussion, he just wanted to say things. Holy freak. Looking back on it now, that seemed abusive. He was always so selfish. There were a few instances where he did think about me, but those were few and far between.

Now you know why I keep wishing someone would start taking care of me for once. I’m so sick and tired of one-sided relationships where I’m the loser and trying to keep everyone else afloat and smiling through it all. When you weigh out the benefits and detriments, it’s been me on the high end, suspended in the air, unable to get back to earth and held there by my shoulder burden relationships. This is why I’ve always trusted only me. Because I can’t rely on other people.

Then again, all I ever wanted to was to see people smile and be happy. And for me to be able to eat my cookies.

How depressing. Like the sky today.

Sister Trouble

Remember how when this whole business started I hoped and prayed that it wouldn’t strain our relationship? Well. There you go.

So last week I sent another e-mail to her about moving out. Mind you this is October. I sent the e-mail back in January telling her she had one year to leave. It wasn’t a nice email but then again I didn’t mean it to be because guess what? It’s, well, October. 10 months from the original notification. While yes I did tell her that she had until January, there has been plenty of time to move out. This was before even the whole baby thing. When they came up and announced they were having a baby back in April/Mayish, I took the opportunity, in person, to recommend they really think about moving before the baby arrived because there’s no way anyone would want go move with an infant around. Their response? Oh but we don’t want to change doctors. We’ll move right after the baby. Already a dumb decision. Then I started on to recommend if they can’t afford a house yet then at least rent. Oh no, we won’t rent. It’s a waste of money. We want a garage. So on and so forth with excuses and unrealistic wants. “I only want to move once.” Stupid things like that. At the time I had given the 1 year time frame and I was seriously regretting having been so generous but hey, I had stuff I still needed to do before selling anyways.

Well. They bought new cars. One was practical, a RAV4, the other completely dumb luxury hybrid. A want, not a need. He drives a car given to him for work why would he need an expensive car? They have no money for a down payment right? What about the baby? Student loans? A mortgage??? Then they wanted a dog. What are you going to do, subsist off ramen and pancakes? Owning a home is freaking expensive. Cell phone bills. Utilities. Personal property tax. Internet. Things go wrong. HOA fees. Owning a dog is even more unbelievably expensive and we’re not just talking money. Time. Patience. They need food. Vet bills. What are they going to do, dump the dog on me when they want to go somewhere? Dump the baby on my mom? They have no right to be picky about anything at all. They only sometimes pay me anything to live there and even then it’s not even half of the mortgage.

Do they have no consideration for others? How am I related to her???

I ask them to do me favors since I’m not there. For instance, I asked her to do the fertilizer for me since I already bought it but didnt have time to do it. Her answer (to my face here) was, “no you’re going to have to do it.” I asked her from the very beginning multiple times, in person (to both of them), in email, in text, to call someone about the siding. I will pay for it. She says, oh yeah, or doesn’t even acknowledge it. He says, “yeah yeah yeah I know.” Nothing happens. I asked him to do the mulch in the back for me. His mother does it instead. His only job is to mow the lawn. Now my neighbor is doing it. I HATE being indebted to people. I dont care how nice he is (and he is). What THE HELL does my brother in law do. Seriously. I buy a new fridge like a good landlord the day it went busto (which I still think was their fault but that’s not the point here) and all they do is complain about it. I don’t even know if they change the air filters for the HVAC once a month.

You know, I felt bad, ok, when he was being a deadbeat and they were subsisting solely on my sister’s wages. They had to buy generic everything. I felt awful. I asked him a couple times why he didnt apply for a part-time job at least and he would say boredly, “Oh, I applied at Best Buy….” Is that it? Just one place. Now he has a job. Ok then, take charge of your family and chop chop let’s go. Nope. Lots of excuses and I still don’t see much to show from it all. Just poor buying practices.

I really feel like I’m being taken advantage of by my own sister and they’re very ungrateful. It’s not my house anymore. It doesn’t feel like it. The only place that feels like mine is the backyard which I love so much. Heck, none of us want to go down there anymore. We used to go all the time and now it’s just excuses to not go. I hoped so badly when everyone warned me in the beginning (friends, coworkers, patients, relatives) about this arrangement that it would never become this because she’s my own sister. God knows that I would never dream of doing this. If I was down on my luck and needed to, you know I’d be grateful and out of their hair as quickly as I could. I just thought that because I was helping her out that she would think of me too. In the beginning it was mutually beneficial but not anymore. Hasn’t been for a year now and the more they make poor decisions and act entitled the more resentment builds within me. It shouldn’t have been this way. Now I know to never rely on them ever if I can help it.

They’re stubborn, demanding, and unreasonable given that they literally can’t afford to be.

And now she’s upset at me although she has no right to be. They have no leg to stand on. And she wants me to be able to talk to her? The one who is so easily offended by everything? Yeah that went well the last time we were in person. They told me they’d get a realtor in September. Guess what darling, it’s not September anymore.

The resentment keeps growing and of course their birthdays and the holidays are creeping up. She hasn’t graced me with images of the baby in a week now. Ooo she’s mad alright. But my mom is still getting them.

She knows I’m right. Even if they won’t and can’t admit it. Any 3rd party can see it. The only people who can’t are them.

I said it before, but I’m tired of taking care of people and getting nothing in return. When is someone going to take care of me? I’m grateful to my mom and brother for their help and support. I guess it’ll always just be me. At least I’ll always have myself. These one-sided relationships are not all that fun.

I’m not looking for repayment. I don’t want their money even if I’m in debt myself. Heck, that’s why I agreed to all of this in the first place: to help them out financially. I just want to be able to finally think about my own future again. Great you started a family. So act like one and take responsibility. Let my life move forward too.

It’s petty, negative and depressing to deal with this. Can’t wait until it’s finally over.

Liana Pain Again

My heart dies a little more whenever something like this happens. I came home yesterday and she was acting strangely: super excited even after the walk (a little bit longer than usual but not too far, and she was very tired), kept coming up to me and trying to be really close, doing a weird thing where she was “scratching” her belly with her back leg while standing up. I went to see if maybe there was a tick or something she stepped on, but nothing. She was nervous and tried to rip a box, then when I was eating strudels, she wanted to eat it and came to lick the container when I was done with it and still holding it. She never does that. We left to get some tomatoes, then when I came home I thought they were really hungry because she acted that way, so I fed them early as I was preparing our food. She literally ran in and pranced and jumped, so excited for her food and ate it in record time, finishing every bite. Then she went out to lay down again and my brother tells me she does something weird when you touch her back. This morning I notice she’s walking extremely slowly outside, but trying hard to keep up when I look at her, just like it was before the unbearable pain last time. When I run my hand along her back, she kicks her leg when I get to a certain point (this time the lumbar region) like it hurts. She’s a toughie, too, so this time I’m going to listen…it’s good I decided to keep some medication around despite what the vet told me last time.

We were supposed to go south to take advantage of the weather and my mom’s rare Saturday off, but after much deliberation, we decided not to. I mean, if this is truly the last time she’d be able to make it back down there like she loves, will I regret the decision? She can still walk and jog and stuff, she just hasn’t started screaming in pain yet. However, why make it worse? I know when she goes down there, she’s going to want to run which will exacerbate it. I know what’s happening now, let’s nip it in the bud.

That ball of fear in my stomach. That sinking feeling. I felt a strong grief and sadness last night as my mind decided, unbidden, to revisit my past sorrows. I did ask them to wait until after our beach trip to get sick and do whatever. They’d kept their end of the bargain. Her birthday is less than a month away.

Gable is worried, but is now upset that we’re not going anywhere and he’s stuck again in the house.

Maybe I should just stop saying things

Remember how I said I’d stay home this past week I had off from work in an attempt to limit how many bad things could happen to me? Well. Bad Luck still found me anyways, where I’ve been: at home.

  1. We had lots of rain and wind and stuff this July 4th week and I mentioned that I was just waiting for the gutter to fall down because it was. So I hammered it back in and tried to reset the part that  the squirrels keep knocking off.
  2. The tree in the back of our house has a major split in it and so I ended up calling some tree people to come and take a look. They did and told us that given the crackline, it’s better to just take the whole thing down because the prognosis is poor to hopeless for survival. After looking again at the tree…he’s right. If the crack went a little more left, it’d be more possible to save the tree, but it’s not. It’s going right down the midline of the trunk. Not only that but after he left us an estimate, we were discussing it all and I realized that the tree has probably been dying since at least last year. The leaves have been coming down more and more in the summer and not only that but the dying AND living leaves all have brown spots on it. Furthermore starting last year-ish our own plants on the deck have been developing infections/diseases and ultimately either dying off or showing very stunted growth. More than likely, there is a connection to the dropping leaves and progressively sickly plants. Even the split in the trunk looks diseased and it’s amazing the speed at which it’s been cracking. The tree is giving up. I wonder if it’s Gable and his toxic pee. Either way it needs to go before it takes out our neighbor’s fence and deck or our roof, especially with hurricane season quickly approaching.  20170709_091633_HDR
  3. This morning, after taking the dogs out to the park, I took a shower and found it to not have any hot water. My mom had the same issue so I had this awful feeling and ran down to the water heater. Pilot light not lit, so I try over and over to try and light it, but to no avail. Plumber called and he comes (this is a Sunday, mind you) and what seems to be a straight up and easy fix…you guessed it…turns out to be much more serious. Replace the whole water heater. I read people, remember? He tried really hard to fix it too. I kept trying to read him to see if he was just playing it up, but I don’t think so. He’s coming back tomorrow to replace the whole unit. He really didn’t want to try and fix it, I could tell, like the water heater itself wasn’t worth it. Then in talking with my mom, we remembered back when the HVAC was replaced the guy had mentioned that we should think about replacing the water heater too. At the time it had just been replaced by the previous owners and we didn’t have any problems so we just forgot about it. Boom. Now we wonder why he would have recommended that given the HVAC was replaced in 2011 when we bought the house and the water heater was placed either 2010 or early 2011…both men seemed to think very little of the unit. Ugh. Once again the previous owners screwed us over.

This is quite a bit of money. QUITE a bit. No more taunting this chicken. I need to find Boubar the Chicken statuette to put on our porch. This is the reason I decided to not go to the other house; I’d just spread my bad luck even further and I literally cannot afford that.

Took my dogs to Bull Run this morning, a park that they have not yet been to! Gable was adorable, my big trailblazer dog. It has been a while since I’ve seen him that excited. Unfortunately there was lots and lots of mud, so I wasn’t able to enjoy my time as much as I usually am able to, because I was busy picking my way around the muck. Made the poor decision to walk down a muddy slope against my better judgment and I should have listened to my gut. Nature’s slip’n’slide  that’s for sure. It’s amazing how 4 legs make navigating that kind of terrain much easier. Going back up was crazy hard and while I was scrabbling awkwardly on 4 appendages, my dogs were perched goat-like on the muddy slope like, what are you doing? Yaaaa. At least gnats and mosquitoes aren’t big fans of mud. Toughing it out in nature is still enjoyable to me, though. If I had used DEET bug repellent and waited for a drier day, I might have been able to go further, but we turned around. Still very enjoyable. I’ve been trying a natural bug repellent and found that not only does it wear off quickly, but you need a thick layer of it otherwise the bugs find the thin spots and start the feast.

 

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My most valuable and dear belongings

 

I’ll be spending yet another day playing video games as we wait for the installation and the advent of hot water. You know, with all this talk of moving, we keep updating/replacing everything. Why are things made better before you move out of a place so that someone else can enjoy your hard earned money? Bah. Houses.

GUH GUH GUH GUH

I am still very upset. This is worse than feeling sad, in my opinion. Anger really is awful stuff. It transforms memories into negative events, it lingers, it eats and just gnaws on me even when I think there’s nothing left to gnaw on. It sits in my heart and just hangs out. I tried all sorts of stuff and nothing is lasting…I think I’ll just have to let it burn off over time. I gave the body a good dose of resistance training and a spirited punching bag session…which didn’t accomplish all it set out to do because as soon as I’d get mad and see his face in the bag I just started losing strength in the punches because I don’t hate him; as much as my anger has been trying to convince me to hate him, that understanding, that compassion, slides in and takes over. I wasn’t raised to loathe and hate people (although there are 2 people that are right in the middle of that circle…) and in the end, like I’ve been repeating myself broken record style, I really do care about him and his family. No matter how much he hates me now, I can’t help but remember the intensity of his pain and grief behind those abhorrent texts. He talked tough like it was me who would be hurt, but it’s him. It’s always been him. I have a powerful and stable spirit and network of family and support…even if it’s small. They’re always there for me and I draw strength from them. I…don’t think he has that. He keeps pushing his family away, though they also care tremendously for him. His friends don’t seem very helpful or supportive…maybe they are on Facebook (he unfriended me before I could him this morning. Probably blocked me too) but not in person. He pushes everyone away though. It’s probably not their faults.

Eh. He’s out of my life now. I want nothing to do with him anymore. If he or his family asked me for help, I would immediately, but they won’t and he certainly won’t. I know him, though he doesn’t know a lick about me. I know he’s hurting bad on top of losing that patient yesterday. I know he’s been hurting really really badly about our relationship, and hiding it inside himself while pretending he’s unfazed by it. Then he’ll try his hardest to forget and just erase it all like it never happened in the hopes that the pain will stop. But it won’t. And he’ll be a slave to all experiences of grief his entire life no matter how hard he tries, but it’s all he knows to do and it’s “worked” in the past.

I learned over the years that is NOT the way. Running away from your stresses and sorrows never helped me in the long run…maybe short-term, but never long enough. Face them head on, accept it, turn it around and learn from it, pretending it’s a teaching moment or a lesson in life (because it is), and hold no ill-will. That’s how to attain peace and happiness. It’ll hurt so much at first, but it’s totally worth it. Let it out, let it go, give it up. Way up. Now. Exactly how long it’ll take to feel better? I dunno. But the human mind is unbelievably powerful. As well as the spirit.

Mind, body, spirit. You need all three pillars to hold up your life. Lose one, put too much in one or have one too short and your life becomes rocky and unstable. When you master or have control over all 3, then you stop thinking about yourself because you already understand yourself. That’s when you can focus on others and on life.

I tried to help him look at his stresses and troubles that way, but he couldn’t and/or didn’t want to understand. His spirit is lacking big time, but it’s his soul, for sure. Turbulent and confused. He could only focus on himself because he didn’t know himself, still doesn’t know himself. I’m thinking that he might never find the answer…though I don’t wish that on him, because everyone deserves to find their peace and place.

Huh, all this philosophical stuff calmed my own heart down. The first no longer burns as hot. I guess…it’s because I’m trying to give him excuses like I always have, to analyze him and figure out why he is the way he is.

Eh. I do it for everyone, not just him…he just means…meant…so much to me.

I’m still restless. I need a true vacation, a change of scenery…a friend. A person. Something different. Different people. I never wanted to look for another relationship more than today, but that’s stupid and that’s anger talking. I’m in no position as jaded as I am right now to make good decisions and my situation doesn’t allow me to either. I’m lonely. I just want to be held, to be loved, to be kissed. Never more than right now.

…when will I be strong again? Independent again? Like I used to be? I’m so morose and depressing now. Cynical. Uncaring.

Someone help me, please.