Losing It

I think I’m in a bad place right now. There is an understanding in my brain now, about why people think about “ending it all.”

Nothing at all seems to be going my way at all. I’m stuck in a position I can’t get out of, on many fronts. It’s a weird feeling: of belonging, but not. I’m glad, at times, that I live with my brother and mom, but then I feel resentment at everyone. When someone is talking, when someone is doing this or that. That I want peace and quiet, but they insist on talking. That the house is just a disaster of junk everywhere and always cluttered. That it’s too small. That there’s no yard. That why the hell am I this old and still living with my mom at all? I love it and I hate it. Then there’s work. I enjoy the company of my coworkers, but I hate the way the office is run. I can’t really leave work either because, well, no one else is going to want to hire me and overall it’s a chill workplace unlike 80% of the offices out there. I love it and I hate it.  That I am financially locked in what place I’m in right now because of the whole sister thing that I won’t get into. That I have no real friends. I do have them, but I end up pushing them away because I’m jealous and bitter and just don’t fit in with anyone else. And the one person who might be in the same situation as me, I can tell wants badly to win me over and I really don’t want to start anything with him. Then, you’d say, you always have solace with your dogs. No. I don’t. I haven’t, in the 6 years I’ve had dogs been able to feed them successfully for more than 1 week at a time. It’s tiresome, frustrating, wasteful, stressful and you know what? I’m sick and tired of it. I’ve had more thoughts of giving them up than keeping them these days.

Obviously I’m suffering from depression of some sort. That half in and half out feeling but overall completely powerless in all ways to change anything. It must be that same feeling that drives suicide. The last bit of control you still have in your life: to end it all, at your whim. That feeling that maybe I will finally matter to someone once it’s all over and I’m not here anymore. It’s not until you’re gone that people start to realize what you were in their lives.

I was walking the dogs home tonight and had that taste of being on my own again. Came home to an empty house. Just me. It was nice.

I am well aware that right now, this is all I want, but when I finally get that wish, I will miss what I had. You know, those “I wish for ___” and you get it, but at what cost? More sorrow and grief?

I’m bitter. Resentful. Wallowing. Stewing. A failure in all things. And those other, similar descriptors. All I want to do is nothing, and yet nothing has made me happy in a while. The beach was great, but I haven’t truly been happy happy. And no hope in the foreseeable future either. I’ll just drown here in my pool of self-pity, thanks.

On top of it all, I only have tomorrow and then I have to work on Monday. Sigh.

 

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Friday

Not only did I go to sleep past midnight last night but I ended up waking up late this morning.

Yesterday, I responded to my friend’s invitation to her birthday thingy tonight with all honesty, citing my almost-phobia of social events. Being the great friend that she is, she was gracious. Then I just felt guilty and horrible, etc. It brought on memories of me going to EX’s family functions and how the last one I skipped because I knew he wouldn’t want me there(at that point I knew he was ashamed of calling me his girlfriend so I wanted to spare him any sort of embarrassment). I hate social gatherings. They’re awkward and after about 15 min of interaction I go find the dog or cat and play with them or sit in a corner somewhere trying to come up with an excuse to leave. Very stressful for me…even family gatherings. Once again, I think I mask the feelings well, because no one seems the wiser, but it’s there. I’m better than others but I’m still bad. I didn’t mind EX’s gatherings because I was there for him and I really did want to get to know him better and his family and all.

Well, anyways. The subject bothered me all night. Feeling very much like I failed my friend. I ended up having a “bad” dream about going to the party anyways with my brother just to drop off a present and say hi. Which means I woke up feeling even more guilty.

I’ll flesh it out in the dream blog.

Sigh.

Depressing

I was just chatting with one of my long term suitors turned friend/suitor. Man. I really am still not ready to get back into the game. It’s really very depressing. He’s a nice guy and I’m still not interested in him in that way. I swear I’m too cynical, too narcissistic, too stubborn to be able do it again. And now, I’m even more jaded.

On top of it, my body wants nothing to do with working out. It’s only been a few days geez. Instead of being cooperative, my body and muscles just turn into rubber and want to sit there.

I dunno. I don’t have a positive view of myself anymore. It’s like I’m simply existing now. No real future in the near horizon. Prospects are there but every time each foothold is reached, the fog obscures the next one.

What am I doing it all for? Why am I alive? I feel like a mere shell of my former self. Nothing excites me anymore.

Still waiting. Just watching. Like a gargoyle.

I am so FAT

I can’t believe how much weight I’ve gained since…well…my breakup. I guess I no longer have any reason to be fit anymore, so I just let it all go. Tack on to it all the other stresses and there you go. This year hasn’t exactly been kind to me. While looking back on beach pictures, I swear I can pinpoint the exact day that I felt it was the point it all started becoming very noticeable. Blame can be placed on many different factors: my dogs are old and suffering various ailments so I don’t and can’t walk as far as I used to, I stopped going to my house altogether because it’s super awkward and she makes me frustrated meaning I didn’t get to heat-stroke myself doing yardwork nearly as much as in the past, my own age catching up to me and the one I keep blaming the most: my grand-aunt basically making me the group trashcan at the beach.

Bottom line, is that ALL of my clothes are tight, even my scrubs now, when I walk, my stomach and flab jiggle with every step, and I’m starting to get that neck-fat and stomach crease line. It terrified me when a shirt that has been fit and even loose on me suddenly wasn’t, so on Sunday night I ran downstairs to do an actual workout–something I’ve been horribly neglecting.  I’ve got to stay focused now. How very scary to know that in just a mere 6 months I’ve reverted back to Old-Rag-Fiasco status. Stress or not, I should never have let myself fall into that pattern. It takes one cookie, one bag of Cheese Doodles, to turn into 4 trays of cookies and a whole bag of beef jerky in one sitting.

Where is my focus, my self-control? Gone. As I self-indulge in my internal loneliness and depression. That’s got to be what it is. There’s a masked self-loathing in me, that I’ve got to be doing something wrong, that I’m such a horrible person. Why else would all these bad things happen? All my relationships dissolving around me. My goal hasn’t changed at all. I still want to make happy for the people I love. I still aim for my peace and happiness goal. Where is it? My co-worker is on a big trip to Taiwan and Japan. For the new year she’ll be gone on another 2 week trip. She said to me before she left that I need to go somewhere new and exciting, where I’ve never been (I’d been complaining that I no longer feel excitement like I used to when I was little. It’s just not there). Hah. Where? With whom? How? I have the world’s most needy dog whose heart would just break if I did (the other one is ok). I have no one to go with. I have my family, but man, wouldn’t it be nice to just go somewhere without them?

I was just reflecting the other day about how unfair my relationship had been (it just pops into my head sometimes, especially when I’m auto-botting my brain) and how I always knew it was never going to work. Anytime I’d bring up anything regarding the future or us, he’d get so angry and unpredictable. I remember talking to him about money because he literally just kept his money in a savings account with poor interest. Considering my dad works at a bank and my uncle is a financial advisor, I think I have decent knowledge about investing and stuff. He got so offended at me for even suggesting he put anything in even a money market account to at least get some interest. Very unreasonable. Then whenever I hinted at maybe taking a weekend trip with him somewhere, he’d say later, later after this and that. Obviously, it never happened. Heck, even local trips were like pulling teeth: if he had to work around his work schedule (not like I forced him to do anything like that, mind you, and he only worked like 3 days a week, not to mention it’s not hard for me to ask off of work too. I’d gladly have worked around his schedule) he’d let me know it the whole time we went. Like, look, I’m doing this thing for you, you’d better be grateful. Just coming to see me on a weekend where he literally didn’t want to do anything besides sit there and watch TV (didn’t have access to TV in the basement at his place) he acted like it was such a burden and that he took precious time to be with me. God forbid I mention marriage, or any sort of future flung planning. Then the dukes come up and I learned pretty quick to just not mention anything of the sort. If he brought up a topic, I’d expound on it, discuss it and general people talking stuff, then he’d tell me to shut up or he doesn’t want a discussion, he just wanted to say things. Holy freak. Looking back on it now, that seemed abusive. He was always so selfish. There were a few instances where he did think about me, but those were few and far between.

Now you know why I keep wishing someone would start taking care of me for once. I’m so sick and tired of one-sided relationships where I’m the loser and trying to keep everyone else afloat and smiling through it all. When you weigh out the benefits and detriments, it’s been me on the high end, suspended in the air, unable to get back to earth and held there by my shoulder burden relationships. This is why I’ve always trusted only me. Because I can’t rely on other people.

Then again, all I ever wanted to was to see people smile and be happy. And for me to be able to eat my cookies.

How depressing. Like the sky today.

Liana Pain Again

My heart dies a little more whenever something like this happens. I came home yesterday and she was acting strangely: super excited even after the walk (a little bit longer than usual but not too far, and she was very tired), kept coming up to me and trying to be really close, doing a weird thing where she was “scratching” her belly with her back leg while standing up. I went to see if maybe there was a tick or something she stepped on, but nothing. She was nervous and tried to rip a box, then when I was eating strudels, she wanted to eat it and came to lick the container when I was done with it and still holding it. She never does that. We left to get some tomatoes, then when I came home I thought they were really hungry because she acted that way, so I fed them early as I was preparing our food. She literally ran in and pranced and jumped, so excited for her food and ate it in record time, finishing every bite. Then she went out to lay down again and my brother tells me she does something weird when you touch her back. This morning I notice she’s walking extremely slowly outside, but trying hard to keep up when I look at her, just like it was before the unbearable pain last time. When I run my hand along her back, she kicks her leg when I get to a certain point (this time the lumbar region) like it hurts. She’s a toughie, too, so this time I’m going to listen…it’s good I decided to keep some medication around despite what the vet told me last time.

We were supposed to go south to take advantage of the weather and my mom’s rare Saturday off, but after much deliberation, we decided not to. I mean, if this is truly the last time she’d be able to make it back down there like she loves, will I regret the decision? She can still walk and jog and stuff, she just hasn’t started screaming in pain yet. However, why make it worse? I know when she goes down there, she’s going to want to run which will exacerbate it. I know what’s happening now, let’s nip it in the bud.

That ball of fear in my stomach. That sinking feeling. I felt a strong grief and sadness last night as my mind decided, unbidden, to revisit my past sorrows. I did ask them to wait until after our beach trip to get sick and do whatever. They’d kept their end of the bargain. Her birthday is less than a month away.

Gable is worried, but is now upset that we’re not going anywhere and he’s stuck again in the house.

Tuesday Again

This week and then next week and then BEACH

Our HOA is doing asphalt work this week and asked everyone to move their cars by 7am today. I moved my car last night, but pretty much NEVER parallel park so I brought my brother along and he talked me through it. In my usual fashion, I just did it and voila! I know how, I just never had to and really don’t on a regular basis so it’s awful. This is where a backup camera would very much come in handy. Only one correction in my car! I was thrilled and proud of myself because my wagon is definitely on the longer side. This morning, however, I went to move my mom’s car. It’s extremely small and MUCH easier to manage than mine…probably 60% the length of my wagon and a flat back. I was still running on confidence from parking my own car the night before, so the first spot I see, I go for. First, I went hood first which didn’t work at all, so I had to pull up next to the car in front. I manage to get in and hit the curb and OMG maybe it’s too small after all. So I zoom off to find a different spot and find a bigger one. OK, back it in, and I end up correcting like 10 times and about half a centimeter from the curb. I finally get situated and get out to look…and there is so much space in the front and back of me it’s laughable. I keep thinking the back has a slope like my car, but it’s not, it’s flat. So I correct again and there is plenty of space around me, but I start getting worried if my mom needs to get out will she be able to? I start walking back and see…and very large spot where 2 cars just left. So back I go after all that work and pull right in.

I really am terrible at parallel parking. I would love to never have to do it again thank you.

Yesterday, I ended up not finishing the stuff on my to-do list. I did draw something, I went grocery shopping. Pretty much nothing else, except making dinner. I made peach and chicken curry with potatoes and peas. Usually I make apple chicken curry, but most of the time I just use whatever is overly ripe and needs to be consumed. The peach was really quite good though, almost better than the apple….for my brother. He just likes that he could tell the difference between the peach and potato which is difficult between the apple and potato. Slightly sweet, but still curry and salty…I’d say it was a success and it got him to eat something green for once. I did have a secret ingredient though…a dash of milk…

My friend last night texted to say that she just got engaged! Not to be let out to the general public yet, but right before the solar eclipse. I really am happy for them because they truly make a wonderful couple. Really. Both of them are very lucky to have each other. Whiiiiich…further brings my own life into the limelight, in that it’s going nowhere at all. Oh well. I guess I’ll just be lonely forever. Crazy dog lady FTW. And video games. Human interaction? What’s that?

Still waiting for things in life to happen. Everyone’s life is unique to them and their situations, but it’s always hard to look upon others and not feel some sort of jealousy or push to move along, little doggie! Jealous that people can be so happy, that they’re not tied down in so many ways, that they can do what they want when they want it. The literal story of my life. The only time I had the freedom to do as I wished was the 3 years away in college, but then I was constrained by money. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. I like to think that there are others out there in my position, that there are people with common ground, and while I know that to be the case, they’re no one I know. Life is as you make it, yes? If you don’t like something, do something about it, yes? Well, that would be possible except…I can’t. There are too many anchors, too many fetters, and beyond that, too much to lose if I just break free like a berserker. And I don’t want to rush into anything irresponsibly because once a mistake is made it can be almost impossible to remedy.

I’ll just sit here as usual, just waiting. Waiting. Always waiting. Eating junk food, watching cartoons and playing  video games.

 

 

Acid Reflux

I’m having some AWFUL acid reflux right now. Why? It’s all over Cheetos Paws. Uggggh. Why are they so GOOD but so BAD for me? I have to finish them, though. I figure a marathon eating will fix it. It’s been well known to me over the last few years that alcohol and corn chips of any sort provide massive revenge in the form of GERD.

My computer crashed the other day while I was showing my brother something on it. Good news is that he is a computer tech dude and right away worked to recover it, but basically had to format it all. My data was safe, though, because that’s what he does, but still. Apparently something had caused my primary hard drive to lock up? He suspects an attempted malware of some sort, at least I think that’s what he said. No matter what, I am very thankful to have it back. I went one measly day without it and I was very sad. VERY SAD. My co-worker asked me a while back why I still have a computer because she has zero need of one anymore. I responded that I use it very often. She returned with, how many times a week and I’m like, every single day, which is the truth. She gave me a skeptical look and then shrugged and said that tablets and phones are plenty for her. Yeah, I need a dedicated computer. That’s why I spent money on this laptop. No more sketch websites for me!

I’m starting to feel the pressure again about life. I had a great 2 months or so with no worries at all except what I was going to eat next and how fat I was getting. Mostly about how much of a blob I’ve become and not being able to pull myself away from my video games to do anything useful. I never even touched the costume thing since I first cut them out of pee pads. Now I need to find my bags to ready myself for the beach. Instead I’ve just been buying things left and right…and the usually when I’m doing that it’s because I’m trying to drown out something. I don’t need more stuff and I should be saving money.

Yesterday I was watching the end of Silent Hill something on TV and the father and daughter hugged and said goodbye and she walked off with her bf. I let the old feelings seep into my heart again and suddenly I was depressed and sad. Nostalgic and then resentful. I stayed back on Friday after we were done for like 40 minutes talking to my coworker about divorces and relationships and stuff and I let it out that I am jealous. Jealous of all the happy relationships around me, despite the divorces in our practice. All my coworkers’ families seem to be so happy; not only their immediate circumstances with husbands and boyfriends, but their parents too. I think I’m the only one in the practice whose parents are nasty divorced, aside from my female boss, but she’s old (haha), married and it doesn’t count. Unspoken of course, is my failed relationship, although his situation is worse than mine (another reason I’m glad we didn’t make it together, in retrospect…I don’t think he has a single clue about how a successful relationship works and no good role models either. Just anime and Korean dramas).

It starts to make me wonder if I, neither, have a clue how to a good relationship works.  I know I’m at a disadvantage coming in, but I tried to read everything and anything I could about how a good relationship is created, upheld and conserved. Then I tried to employ it, by making my goal to take care of my partner. The idea is, if both people try their best to make the other one happy with respect, care and time, then it should equal out. I understand there are factors involved, as there always are, but both goals are aimed for the benefit of the other more than oneself, it should work. Selfishness is the key to destroying a relationship. At least that’s what I’ve garnered.

But it only works if both sides are trying. That I know from experience. It doesn’t work if one person is more in love with himself than you. I’m somewhat selfish myself (and who isn’t, given that it’s your own life), but I loved him. I loved him with everything I could because that’s how I do everything. I would’ve done anything for him. Just wanted to see him smile and be happy. Maybe, I loved him too much and it was overwhelming. People aren’t dogs after all. I unconditionally love them and they unconditionally love me, so everything that I do or experience, I think of them. Always want to buy them toys, treats, etc, anywhere I go. I bought a car and house for them. They have at least 20 beds because I want them to be comfortable. I try to bring them  places because that means we go together and I know they love it. I wouldn’t dream of going on vacation without them. I’d do anything (within reason) for them. And what do they give me back? Just love. Lower blood pressure. Happiness. Poop. Vet bills. But I don’t care. Just like I told him: I don’t need any thing. I just want you. And I meant it. I just wanted him to think about me, to care about me, to do anything for me in return…but alas. Towards the end I realized what I’d known all along: if something bad happened, if he had to give up his life for me, even if he’d do it for a stranger, I don’t think he’d willingly give it up for me. Geez. I won’t even tell you how much money I spent on him over the 2 years. Just like my dogs, no matter what I did, no matter where I went, I’d always think of him. I always wanted to buy him things that would make him happy. I just wanted to be together with him.

I hope that’s not the wrong way to do it, because if it is, I’ll fail every time. And yes, I certainly understand the need for space, for even with my propensity to clinginess, I need lots of silence and space, myself. In fact, I just kicked Gable out for being clingy and farting up my room.

Speaking of dogs, they’ve been on an awful food strike for a week. He’s still going to do it, I think, but hopefully it’s coming down again. It stresses me out to no end when he does this. Then Liana does it too because I don’t know if they talk or not, but poor girl is terrified to eat all of the sudden. At least they both heartily ate last night. It sucks on another layer as he’s on antibiotics, so he’ll equate food with upset tummy which is actually being caused by the antibiotic. Also a bad time to change food which further takes a toll on the stomach. I was stressed and in a bad mood all day. I swear…this is absolute worst thing about owning greyhounds. And how did I get the super picky ones? Some greyhounds are perfectly fine with whatever. This is very last thing I ever expected would be an issue with owning dogs, and the MOST stressful of all. Medical issues? Separation anxiety? Vacation?  Training? Walking etiquette? House breaking? Nah. Simple stuff. But food pickiness? UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHH. Never ending, expensive and awful to deal with.

Projected list today: draw something, possibly laundry, look at eclipse, groceries, maybe costume stuff, find bags for the beach and start getting things together, think about what to make for dinner.