Category: depressive

Grief

I just received a call from my boss. For them to call on a Saturday means that it was rather important, so I was already bracing for negative news. As it turns out, one of my coworkers, one that came about once a week or to fill in, died in her sleep last night. I mean, this came right out of left field! She was just there yesterday and no one was the wiser to anything at all. In hindsight, I guess she seemed more subdued yesterday than usual, but I chalked it up to it being so rainy. I talked with her though and we shared our usual laugh together about something silly. One thing that stands out to me, looking back, is how I said goodbye to her as I left: usually we all say see you next week or have a good weekend. Instead, I said, “Have a good night,” and she responded with a corrected, “have a good week.” I remember frowning to myself, wondering why I said that instead of the obvious weekend, but sometimes my mouth says things so I didn’t think much of it. Now I feel bad like maybe I gave her bad luck. Rationally, I know that more than likely she had cardiovascular failure in the night (she’d had a stroke a few months ago and refused to take the medicine), but I can’t help but feel guilty about it, like I was partially responsible. I am very grateful to have been able to talk to her and have a good day with her yesterday, and if I knew it would have been her last, I don’t think I would have done it much differently given the way the schedule and the day went.

I can’t even begin to imagine the way her family feels right now and my heart breaks the most for her grand daughter whom she spent the last years of her life effectively being the primary caregiver.

It just doesn’t feel real. The finality of it all. I feel like I’m going to see her next week like normal and we’re going to discuss our LG phones again just like we always do. I don’t even want to think about what will happen coming up here in the future without her presence in our office. You know what she told me yesterday that pierced my heart when she said it? Maybe she knew deep down something was about to happen. We were just talking and half joking as usual, and then she got serious and told me, you know I always value what you say, right? Always. It seemed at the time, out of place and more significant than usual, but as is typical, I didn’t have time to dwell on it because the schedule called me and I was busy again.

Goodbye, Ms. Brenda. I’ll see you again one day and I can tell you all about the phones I’ve gone through and how much I think you’d like them. Requiescat in pace. 

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rain rain rain and more rain

There are just no chances for me to do much of anything for the next several weeks here. WHY

Yesterday was a bit of an interesting day. I forgot to shampoo my hair, then I forgot both my watch and my phone at home. Dust levels were quite high which meant I was a bit lightheaded from sinuses. Work was consistent with a Thursday, but I still managed to shoot out, and I’m glad I ran so fast because I ended up stuck in a torrential downpour in the middle of traffic in the last legs of my journey. Inching along in bumper to bumper traffic and still requiring the fastest wiper setting? Ya. Unfortunately for me, I was also stuck behind a fool who refused to turn on their headlights the whole time, so I wasn’t even sure where he/she was (the car was small and gray–like dark clouds gray–in a downpour). I was busy zooming around like a fool, myself, annoyed at everyone driving SO SLOWLY, but simultaneously understanding the reason why they were. I have to say that my tires have amazing grip in rain. I am very impressed. Heck, we’ve had so much rain lately, I’ve gotten a good run out of them. And of course, I get home, it’s still pouring, the dogs demand to go on a walk, despite me already letting them out to pee, so I suit myself up, them up and go outside only to find that the rain has passed on. Sigh. Every time.

Humidity all the time…so many mushrooms, so much mold.

It’s Friday, yo!

One of my favorite patients asked me about my boyfriend yesterday, and then Facebook showed me a post I posted about him last year. I told my patient that I haven’t had a bf in over a year now, and he said that I sound like I’m happy about that. That gave me pause, a bit, but she’s right. I am acting like I’m happy again, like I’m free, light, and no stresses, no expectations. My job doesn’t suffer, and I’m generally a much happier person to be around. I told her that I was sad afterwards, of course, but hindsight is all-seeing and I’m happily single now. That statement is mostly truth, but I still can’t escape that unsaid expectation everyone still has for me, and honestly, I might have for myself. My friend/co-worker discussed with me that they were thinking of trying for a baby already–remember the friend that I feel is rushing too much to get married and start a family–and while I’m happy for them and did all I could to offer good advice, that sadness came about again. That societal void that I’ve been cast into, a single woman, of child-bearing, family-starting age. Heck I should’ve started 4 years ago! I will be the only one at work after this year with no family, spouse or kids.

Wow, that’s depressing to think about.

Makes me really have to think about what I want in life. About my future.

 

Nothing like a bad workout  night to make you depressssseeeddddd.

I just feel like my muscles are weaker than normal and fatigue quickly. Like I’m not getting enough oxygen or something…maybe I’m having difficulty breathing….yeah that’s probably what it is. At first, I thought it was that I ate too much, but I think it goes beyond that. When I awoke this morning I felt like I’d been holding my breath all night. Possibly asthma, allergies…with all the humidity and such too.

Hopefully a good night’s rest will take care of it.

 

Blurgh

After suffering 3 days of ridiculous heat with no A/C at work, I officially don’t feel well. Thankfully it’s cool out again, which of course, people were complaining about. By the middle of day 2 of that, I was starting to recall bad memories of having to endure such conditions the last 5 or so summers with my dad. In this case, there was always the prospect of coming home and not having to sleep through it, but it brought everything back nonetheless. So, I guess it’s a physical but also psychological thing. Interestingly enough, at the worst point of the heat on day 2, my old defenses kicked in and I no longer felt the hot. However, those defenses come with a side-effect…it’s akin to PTSD which, I guess, is like a defense mechanism to trauma. I have had no need or desire to talk much at all since I’ve been home. I feel like a ghost and a zombie at the same time. I want to do nothing, go nowhere. The only thing that can make me happy are my dogs. Similarly, I was getting annoyed at work with everyone constantly complaining about the heat, my brain setting on tough, and ticked by the fact that no one else could force themselves to be like me and just use a mental shield to block it from affecting them.

I know what’s happening, my mind is perfectly sharp and normal, but the disinterest and irritation about those around me is hard to control. The question is, how long will it take for me to bust loose from these bonds? It’s been 2 days now in recovery. My patience tank capacity these days is quite large and it doesn’t fill as quickly as it used to, but it’s times like these when it does go more quickly.

I did manage, in my zombie haze, to finish Ni No Kuni 2: Revenant Kingdom (PS4). The game itself is good, though a mishmash of multiple, different game concepts. I played it mostly on Japanese dub, but switched back to English at the end. A deluge of side quests (whoo!) bordering on excessive and relatively easy leveling system. The story has a few holes and an interesting but inconsequential twist at the end, but solid, albeit naïve and unrealistic. For an RPG there was no real need to full-on grind, although there is an optional very high level “dreamer maze” which seems pointless to try and beat. The post-game content is disappointing. The kingdom leveling up system was really very fun and even tedious, similar to Fable 3, and of course, being me, I just HAD to go as far as I could. Post-game recruited all 100 citizens which allowed upgrade to level 4 kingdom, but it really was extremely disappointing that the kingdom didn’t expand at all and there were only a few, and I mean a few, upgrades and pointless research for armor. Even the extra side quests were too complex to make me want to do them. I cheated and looked up the last Dreamer Maze which ends with a Level 95 boss. My characters are level 67 and that was already over-leveled for the final boss. Beh. Not worth it. There’s this army battle portion of the game which initially I hated, but ended up loving. One of your running enemies is a bandit named Tyran, well, let’s just say that I was expecting some amazing battle at level 60 or 70 with him, but IT’S NOT THERE. Very dull post-game. Great game, though, and certainly recommended! I learned later that Studio Ghibli had a hand in the first Ni No Kuni, which makes me want to try it, but alas, it’s for PS3 and Sony is not friendly to backwards compatibility.

 

Ah Life

I’m cursed. I have to be. It hasn’t failed at all. Every. Single. Time. I plan to head South in order to accomplish stuff and move towards selling that house something happens that keeps me away. I have off this Friday and I planned originally to use it to mulch and do fence stuff given the fantastic weather (and it’s spring break). However. I can’t for two reasons. The first is that my original plan to buy mulch prior to arriving and having it delivered ( i have giftcards!) went down the drain when I realized that Lowes charges $75 for truck delivery, the price of which I could buy a good 25 bags of mulch. OK, so I’ll just haul it myself thank you. Then there’s the second reason which is this absolute ridiculous cable installation circus that has been ongoing for my grandparents.

I knew it was a bad idea, but they just kept insisting until I folded. I like that I have control over the account now, but to go back and forth and back and forth and have this AWFUL experience with problems is just insane. My uncle and my grandma’s sister has had zero issues as they too have switched to the company around the same time. WHY IN THE WORLD DOES EVERYTHING GO WRONG FOR ME. And of all people my grandparents who have no clue about anything. I mean it’s frustrating for them too being powerless, but it’s more frustrating for me having to be at work and trying to deal with this monster of a mess. My name being wrong. The package not being added. 80% of the channels not working. The ported number not being ported when it was told to me it would be done. Techs telling me everything is fine when it’s not and not having an answer. In general things that are supposed to be happening when they are not being worked on until I have to come in and check up on it. Then tack on top of it all my grandparents not understanding anything such as how to operate the TV but not wanting to ask or admit it until there’s a problem, putting pressure on me to fix things, asking me the same question a zillion times right after I already answered it. I had a feeling all of these issues with not understanding would pop up, that’s why I was hesitant to change anything they’re not already used to. I wasn’t anticipating the switch over would be so ridiculous and stressful. I’m also the kind of person that hates when there’s an unresolved, outstanding problem. How many times have I been in contact with them. I am not a rude person, and I am rather patient as I understand for people, but you know what, there’s a point where I must express my displeasure and unfortunately for the guy last night, he was being expressed to.

The short of it is that my day off is not going to be spent enjoying my house, it’s going to be spent AGAIN with my grandparents surely not coming up with good solutions to this stupid problem that shouldn’t have happened to begin with and no one seems to know why it’s happening. My brother and I decided that we’ve come up with a solution even if it falls through, with Amazon TV. It’s a fantastic idea, with only one hiccup which is the limitation of my grandparents. Yet again. If they’d just left it the way it was, it wouldn’t have been an issue.

I’m cursed. I tell you. Maybe it’s my house that’s causing all of these issues…maybe it doesn’t want to be sold to someone else, lol.

It just sucks you know, to be old. You don’t want to be a burden on people, but ultimately you are. Your brain and body just aren’t anywhere near where they used to be. I watch every time I see them, my grandparents looking older, weaker, and less able to grasp concepts or remember. The nice argument for having kids. If you didn’t, who’d take care of you? Then again, having kids isn’t a guarantee of anything if they hate your guts, but the chances are higher their sense of duty will kick in. I dunno, man.

MAN I hope this all resolves soon. What a stressful burden that shouldn’t be that way. If nothing else, it’s a fantastic indication of what would happen if you pulled my grandparents away from the environment they’re used to. Their ability to adapt is sadly nonexistent and whatever is left is dwindling away.

We tried to convince my mom last night that we want to be able to go to the beach just the 3 of us, with no other burdens no other responsibilities of the older people who are in truth very needy and hamper our time. I don’t mind it, but it would be a much truer vacation if it was just us. She’s been very stubborn about her parents. She answered neither way last night which is an improvement. I understand her position, but yeah. Well. No matter what, at least my brother and I can go. My mom DOES have 4 other siblings…

Is this the stress of having dependents? Taking care of others like kids or your spouse? It’s burdensome and exhausting. Sometimes it’s a fight in futility and other times it’s rather rewarding to see them happy. Doing it on your own is so very difficult.

Friday night

Here I am on a Friday night, watching SpongeBob (I haven’t seen this one!) and eating Crispix. Typically speaking, I’d be perfectly happy sitting around on a Friday night like this, but what a patient told me today really made me sad/lonely again. Then my discussion with the temp had a similar flair to it, and I was doubly depressed. My patient told me that it’s really nice of me to bring my mom and grandma on vacation, but that I’m young and need to have time for my own and have a vacation. Then the temp talked about going to NYC and how her housemates don’t want to and would rather hang out at home. I mentioned that I’m like that and as I said that, I could feel my defenses ebbing away. The whole drive home was me thinking about it all and I suddenly contacted one of my old suitors telling him we should go out for dinner some time when it’s not Lent anymore (so that I can eat meat). I meant it too, but I hope he doesn’t think I’m trying to start anything.

I guess I’ve built up my defenses again. Not just around my heart but around everything else. My own version of rose-colored glasses. It’s not as powerful as it used to be (especially since it didn’t take much to cut right through to it) but I’ve been convincing myself that I am happy right now. It’s not a lie, because I am rather content and happy just taking care of myself and not worrying about anyone or anything else except my dogs and bills, but whenever patients ask about my future plans or anything I’m embarrassed to admit that I don’t have any plans. Vacation, travel, or otherwise. I’m just…living. I’ve been recently thinking again about whether I want to jump back into the game or if I want to give up forever. I still need to get my own place that is truly mine alone, but it’s a thought again.

I just can’t believe that words can cut right through it all so easily. They’re right, in a way. I do need to just go somewhere without being weighed down by my family which for whatever reason I have NEVER been able to do. Only problem is, I have no one else. I’d go on my own. And when I did, he didn’t want to do anything at all. Always put it off, some other time. It was all very disheartening. Man. Why does someone else’s opinion even matter? …when it hits close to home. Sigh.

Still watching SpongeBob and still eating Crispix. Now I don’t even want to eat dinner.

 

Clearly.

Clearly I am in some hormonal fluctuations.

I started the morning riled up, I’ve been annoying at work, aggressive in the car, and now I’m just plain depressed. I tried to play video games, I tried to write some poetry, but I just can’t get myself I want to do a darn thing. I don’t want to watch a movie. Heck, I went out and got McDonald’s! So much for dieting. Now I regret doing that. Uuuuugh. It’s 9pm on a Friday night and I’m in bed. Man. I don’t even want to be typing this. I just want to lay here and sleep or something. I dunno, man.

Whoever ways PMS is not real is either not a woman, has not been around women, or is completely oblivious.