Liana Pain Again

My heart dies a little more whenever something like this happens. I came home yesterday and she was acting strangely: super excited even after the walk (a little bit longer than usual but not too far, and she was very tired), kept coming up to me and trying to be really close, doing a weird thing where she was “scratching” her belly with her back leg while standing up. I went to see if maybe there was a tick or something she stepped on, but nothing. She was nervous and tried to rip a box, then when I was eating strudels, she wanted to eat it and came to lick the container when I was done with it and still holding it. She never does that. We left to get some tomatoes, then when I came home I thought they were really hungry because she acted that way, so I fed them early as I was preparing our food. She literally ran in and pranced and jumped, so excited for her food and ate it in record time, finishing every bite. Then she went out to lay down again and my brother tells me she does something weird when you touch her back. This morning I notice she’s walking extremely slowly outside, but trying hard to keep up when I look at her, just like it was before the unbearable pain last time. When I run my hand along her back, she kicks her leg when I get to a certain point (this time the lumbar region) like it hurts. She’s a toughie, too, so this time I’m going to listen…it’s good I decided to keep some medication around despite what the vet told me last time.

We were supposed to go south to take advantage of the weather and my mom’s rare Saturday off, but after much deliberation, we decided not to. I mean, if this is truly the last time she’d be able to make it back down there like she loves, will I regret the decision? She can still walk and jog and stuff, she just hasn’t started screaming in pain yet. However, why make it worse? I know when she goes down there, she’s going to want to run which will exacerbate it. I know what’s happening now, let’s nip it in the bud.

That ball of fear in my stomach. That sinking feeling. I felt a strong grief and sadness last night as my mind decided, unbidden, to revisit my past sorrows. I did ask them to wait until after our beach trip to get sick and do whatever. They’d kept their end of the bargain. Her birthday is less than a month away.

Gable is worried, but is now upset that we’re not going anywhere and he’s stuck again in the house.

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Tuesday Again

This week and then next week and then BEACH

Our HOA is doing asphalt work this week and asked everyone to move their cars by 7am today. I moved my car last night, but pretty much NEVER parallel park so I brought my brother along and he talked me through it. In my usual fashion, I just did it and voila! I know how, I just never had to and really don’t on a regular basis so it’s awful. This is where a backup camera would very much come in handy. Only one correction in my car! I was thrilled and proud of myself because my wagon is definitely on the longer side. This morning, however, I went to move my mom’s car. It’s extremely small and MUCH easier to manage than mine…probably 60% the length of my wagon and a flat back. I was still running on confidence from parking my own car the night before, so the first spot I see, I go for. First, I went hood first which didn’t work at all, so I had to pull up next to the car in front. I manage to get in and hit the curb and OMG maybe it’s too small after all. So I zoom off to find a different spot and find a bigger one. OK, back it in, and I end up correcting like 10 times and about half a centimeter from the curb. I finally get situated and get out to look…and there is so much space in the front and back of me it’s laughable. I keep thinking the back has a slope like my car, but it’s not, it’s flat. So I correct again and there is plenty of space around me, but I start getting worried if my mom needs to get out will she be able to? I start walking back and see…and very large spot where 2 cars just left. So back I go after all that work and pull right in.

I really am terrible at parallel parking. I would love to never have to do it again thank you.

Yesterday, I ended up not finishing the stuff on my to-do list. I did draw something, I went grocery shopping. Pretty much nothing else, except making dinner. I made peach and chicken curry with potatoes and peas. Usually I make apple chicken curry, but most of the time I just use whatever is overly ripe and needs to be consumed. The peach was really quite good though, almost better than the apple….for my brother. He just likes that he could tell the difference between the peach and potato which is difficult between the apple and potato. Slightly sweet, but still curry and salty…I’d say it was a success and it got him to eat something green for once. I did have a secret ingredient though…a dash of milk…

My friend last night texted to say that she just got engaged! Not to be let out to the general public yet, but right before the solar eclipse. I really am happy for them because they truly make a wonderful couple. Really. Both of them are very lucky to have each other. Whiiiiich…further brings my own life into the limelight, in that it’s going nowhere at all. Oh well. I guess I’ll just be lonely forever. Crazy dog lady FTW. And video games. Human interaction? What’s that?

Still waiting for things in life to happen. Everyone’s life is unique to them and their situations, but it’s always hard to look upon others and not feel some sort of jealousy or push to move along, little doggie! Jealous that people can be so happy, that they’re not tied down in so many ways, that they can do what they want when they want it. The literal story of my life. The only time I had the freedom to do as I wished was the 3 years away in college, but then I was constrained by money. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. I like to think that there are others out there in my position, that there are people with common ground, and while I know that to be the case, they’re no one I know. Life is as you make it, yes? If you don’t like something, do something about it, yes? Well, that would be possible except…I can’t. There are too many anchors, too many fetters, and beyond that, too much to lose if I just break free like a berserker. And I don’t want to rush into anything irresponsibly because once a mistake is made it can be almost impossible to remedy.

I’ll just sit here as usual, just waiting. Waiting. Always waiting. Eating junk food, watching cartoons and playing  video games.

 

 

Acid Reflux

I’m having some AWFUL acid reflux right now. Why? It’s all over Cheetos Paws. Uggggh. Why are they so GOOD but so BAD for me? I have to finish them, though. I figure a marathon eating will fix it. It’s been well known to me over the last few years that alcohol and corn chips of any sort provide massive revenge in the form of GERD.

My computer crashed the other day while I was showing my brother something on it. Good news is that he is a computer tech dude and right away worked to recover it, but basically had to format it all. My data was safe, though, because that’s what he does, but still. Apparently something had caused my primary hard drive to lock up? He suspects an attempted malware of some sort, at least I think that’s what he said. No matter what, I am very thankful to have it back. I went one measly day without it and I was very sad. VERY SAD. My co-worker asked me a while back why I still have a computer because she has zero need of one anymore. I responded that I use it very often. She returned with, how many times a week and I’m like, every single day, which is the truth. She gave me a skeptical look and then shrugged and said that tablets and phones are plenty for her. Yeah, I need a dedicated computer. That’s why I spent money on this laptop. No more sketch websites for me!

I’m starting to feel the pressure again about life. I had a great 2 months or so with no worries at all except what I was going to eat next and how fat I was getting. Mostly about how much of a blob I’ve become and not being able to pull myself away from my video games to do anything useful. I never even touched the costume thing since I first cut them out of pee pads. Now I need to find my bags to ready myself for the beach. Instead I’ve just been buying things left and right…and the usually when I’m doing that it’s because I’m trying to drown out something. I don’t need more stuff and I should be saving money.

Yesterday I was watching the end of Silent Hill something on TV and the father and daughter hugged and said goodbye and she walked off with her bf. I let the old feelings seep into my heart again and suddenly I was depressed and sad. Nostalgic and then resentful. I stayed back on Friday after we were done for like 40 minutes talking to my coworker about divorces and relationships and stuff and I let it out that I am jealous. Jealous of all the happy relationships around me, despite the divorces in our practice. All my coworkers’ families seem to be so happy; not only their immediate circumstances with husbands and boyfriends, but their parents too. I think I’m the only one in the practice whose parents are nasty divorced, aside from my female boss, but she’s old (haha), married and it doesn’t count. Unspoken of course, is my failed relationship, although his situation is worse than mine (another reason I’m glad we didn’t make it together, in retrospect…I don’t think he has a single clue about how a successful relationship works and no good role models either. Just anime and Korean dramas).

It starts to make me wonder if I, neither, have a clue how to a good relationship works.  I know I’m at a disadvantage coming in, but I tried to read everything and anything I could about how a good relationship is created, upheld and conserved. Then I tried to employ it, by making my goal to take care of my partner. The idea is, if both people try their best to make the other one happy with respect, care and time, then it should equal out. I understand there are factors involved, as there always are, but both goals are aimed for the benefit of the other more than oneself, it should work. Selfishness is the key to destroying a relationship. At least that’s what I’ve garnered.

But it only works if both sides are trying. That I know from experience. It doesn’t work if one person is more in love with himself than you. I’m somewhat selfish myself (and who isn’t, given that it’s your own life), but I loved him. I loved him with everything I could because that’s how I do everything. I would’ve done anything for him. Just wanted to see him smile and be happy. Maybe, I loved him too much and it was overwhelming. People aren’t dogs after all. I unconditionally love them and they unconditionally love me, so everything that I do or experience, I think of them. Always want to buy them toys, treats, etc, anywhere I go. I bought a car and house for them. They have at least 20 beds because I want them to be comfortable. I try to bring them  places because that means we go together and I know they love it. I wouldn’t dream of going on vacation without them. I’d do anything (within reason) for them. And what do they give me back? Just love. Lower blood pressure. Happiness. Poop. Vet bills. But I don’t care. Just like I told him: I don’t need any thing. I just want you. And I meant it. I just wanted him to think about me, to care about me, to do anything for me in return…but alas. Towards the end I realized what I’d known all along: if something bad happened, if he had to give up his life for me, even if he’d do it for a stranger, I don’t think he’d willingly give it up for me. Geez. I won’t even tell you how much money I spent on him over the 2 years. Just like my dogs, no matter what I did, no matter where I went, I’d always think of him. I always wanted to buy him things that would make him happy. I just wanted to be together with him.

I hope that’s not the wrong way to do it, because if it is, I’ll fail every time. And yes, I certainly understand the need for space, for even with my propensity to clinginess, I need lots of silence and space, myself. In fact, I just kicked Gable out for being clingy and farting up my room.

Speaking of dogs, they’ve been on an awful food strike for a week. He’s still going to do it, I think, but hopefully it’s coming down again. It stresses me out to no end when he does this. Then Liana does it too because I don’t know if they talk or not, but poor girl is terrified to eat all of the sudden. At least they both heartily ate last night. It sucks on another layer as he’s on antibiotics, so he’ll equate food with upset tummy which is actually being caused by the antibiotic. Also a bad time to change food which further takes a toll on the stomach. I was stressed and in a bad mood all day. I swear…this is absolute worst thing about owning greyhounds. And how did I get the super picky ones? Some greyhounds are perfectly fine with whatever. This is very last thing I ever expected would be an issue with owning dogs, and the MOST stressful of all. Medical issues? Separation anxiety? Vacation?  Training? Walking etiquette? House breaking? Nah. Simple stuff. But food pickiness? UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHH. Never ending, expensive and awful to deal with.

Projected list today: draw something, possibly laundry, look at eclipse, groceries, maybe costume stuff, find bags for the beach and start getting things together, think about what to make for dinner.

It’d be Nice

At least once a year I do a DNA test and all of the sudden I’m wishing I could afford to do another. There’s a sale on DNA tests right now through FamilyTreeDNA. D:

Must not spend money.

When I left work yesterday my left arm was busy tingling and instilling some fear in me. My right arm? Sure. I get that. But my left? Never had to deal with that really! My hands are looking more and more old now. It would be absolutely awful to never be able to draw, play an instrument or do craftwork again. Speaking of crafty stuff, I’ve not been able to do any of it!!!! So many hurdles. Uuugh. I hate not being able to afford things.

As excited as I am to be able to sell the other house, it’s becoming more apparent that it won’t be just a walk in the park because I still have so much to do and no real ability to do it. Time is quickly slipping from me, and it’s not like I can just come home from work and do a little at a time. If I did, it’d be done by now. Plus, whenever the weekend rolls around, it rains. Plus cost of materials that I’ll soon need and that Gable needs to go to the vet. I’m about 95% positive they’re going to put him on antibiotics for yet another UTI which jacks the bills up to or past $500 again.

I was overwhelmed by sadness yesterday while I was driving home in the car, so of course every sad thing and prospect in my life had to come rushing in all at once. Funstuff.

I think I need my eyes examined again soon. More money.

I have been so unbelievably lazy with working out. Am I depressed again? I don’t want to actually do anything and it’s bothering me. We’re going to the beach in a month and everyone is excited but me. Why. I’m probably depressed again. So many things to be depressed about. Depressed and bitter. Probably won’t be able to fit into my bathing suits. Figures.

I was talking to one of my younger, college aged patients and I realized afterwards how old my thinking is. The more crap you go through in life, the more weight settles onto you and the more you forget what it’s  like to be truly carefree. I carry so many burdens on my shoulders which aren’t disappearing anytime soon. Burdens tangible and intangible, worries, fears and responsibilities. Not too long ago I was happy and idealistic, new into my journey as a young adult, fledgling in my career. Now I look in the mirror and my face is no longer young. Like I mentioned before, my hands are not youthful like they were. My joints creak, my fat refuses to budge, and my muscles from working and poor posture hurt. Badly. And the absolute worst of them all, my brain can’t even work up excitement for a trip I haven’t taken for 2 years. I can argue that even around this time last year (relationship’s beginning of the end) life was exciting and full of possibilities.

My patient says to me, “I hope this (college) isn’t the best years of my life, that would be depressing!” In talking to her I realized the disparity now in age and thought and naivete and how that used to be me, too. The fire of youth, the passion to shake the world and make it a better place, all but gone now that I can’t even make my own life work right. And what is this “right” that I speak? Having it be like the others? What I perceive to be “correct?” What society tells me is the way? Well whatever it is, I’m certainly falling short of it and now my light is dim. At least, I’m sure she didn’t think I was as old as I really am. Thanks Asian genes.

 

 

 

 

Maybe I should just stop saying things

Remember how I said I’d stay home this past week I had off from work in an attempt to limit how many bad things could happen to me? Well. Bad Luck still found me anyways, where I’ve been: at home.

  1. We had lots of rain and wind and stuff this July 4th week and I mentioned that I was just waiting for the gutter to fall down because it was. So I hammered it back in and tried to reset the part that  the squirrels keep knocking off.
  2. The tree in the back of our house has a major split in it and so I ended up calling some tree people to come and take a look. They did and told us that given the crackline, it’s better to just take the whole thing down because the prognosis is poor to hopeless for survival. After looking again at the tree…he’s right. If the crack went a little more left, it’d be more possible to save the tree, but it’s not. It’s going right down the midline of the trunk. Not only that but after he left us an estimate, we were discussing it all and I realized that the tree has probably been dying since at least last year. The leaves have been coming down more and more in the summer and not only that but the dying AND living leaves all have brown spots on it. Furthermore starting last year-ish our own plants on the deck have been developing infections/diseases and ultimately either dying off or showing very stunted growth. More than likely, there is a connection to the dropping leaves and progressively sickly plants. Even the split in the trunk looks diseased and it’s amazing the speed at which it’s been cracking. The tree is giving up. I wonder if it’s Gable and his toxic pee. Either way it needs to go before it takes out our neighbor’s fence and deck or our roof, especially with hurricane season quickly approaching.  20170709_091633_HDR
  3. This morning, after taking the dogs out to the park, I took a shower and found it to not have any hot water. My mom had the same issue so I had this awful feeling and ran down to the water heater. Pilot light not lit, so I try over and over to try and light it, but to no avail. Plumber called and he comes (this is a Sunday, mind you) and what seems to be a straight up and easy fix…you guessed it…turns out to be much more serious. Replace the whole water heater. I read people, remember? He tried really hard to fix it too. I kept trying to read him to see if he was just playing it up, but I don’t think so. He’s coming back tomorrow to replace the whole unit. He really didn’t want to try and fix it, I could tell, like the water heater itself wasn’t worth it. Then in talking with my mom, we remembered back when the HVAC was replaced the guy had mentioned that we should think about replacing the water heater too. At the time it had just been replaced by the previous owners and we didn’t have any problems so we just forgot about it. Boom. Now we wonder why he would have recommended that given the HVAC was replaced in 2011 when we bought the house and the water heater was placed either 2010 or early 2011…both men seemed to think very little of the unit. Ugh. Once again the previous owners screwed us over.

This is quite a bit of money. QUITE a bit. No more taunting this chicken. I need to find Boubar the Chicken statuette to put on our porch. This is the reason I decided to not go to the other house; I’d just spread my bad luck even further and I literally cannot afford that.

Took my dogs to Bull Run this morning, a park that they have not yet been to! Gable was adorable, my big trailblazer dog. It has been a while since I’ve seen him that excited. Unfortunately there was lots and lots of mud, so I wasn’t able to enjoy my time as much as I usually am able to, because I was busy picking my way around the muck. Made the poor decision to walk down a muddy slope against my better judgment and I should have listened to my gut. Nature’s slip’n’slide  that’s for sure. It’s amazing how 4 legs make navigating that kind of terrain much easier. Going back up was crazy hard and while I was scrabbling awkwardly on 4 appendages, my dogs were perched goat-like on the muddy slope like, what are you doing? Yaaaa. At least gnats and mosquitoes aren’t big fans of mud. Toughing it out in nature is still enjoyable to me, though. If I had used DEET bug repellent and waited for a drier day, I might have been able to go further, but we turned around. Still very enjoyable. I’ve been trying a natural bug repellent and found that not only does it wear off quickly, but you need a thick layer of it otherwise the bugs find the thin spots and start the feast.

 

20170709_082658

My most valuable and dear belongings

 

I’ll be spending yet another day playing video games as we wait for the installation and the advent of hot water. You know, with all this talk of moving, we keep updating/replacing everything. Why are things made better before you move out of a place so that someone else can enjoy your hard earned money? Bah. Houses.

GUH GUH GUH GUH

I am still very upset. This is worse than feeling sad, in my opinion. Anger really is awful stuff. It transforms memories into negative events, it lingers, it eats and just gnaws on me even when I think there’s nothing left to gnaw on. It sits in my heart and just hangs out. I tried all sorts of stuff and nothing is lasting…I think I’ll just have to let it burn off over time. I gave the body a good dose of resistance training and a spirited punching bag session…which didn’t accomplish all it set out to do because as soon as I’d get mad and see his face in the bag I just started losing strength in the punches because I don’t hate him; as much as my anger has been trying to convince me to hate him, that understanding, that compassion, slides in and takes over. I wasn’t raised to loathe and hate people (although there are 2 people that are right in the middle of that circle…) and in the end, like I’ve been repeating myself broken record style, I really do care about him and his family. No matter how much he hates me now, I can’t help but remember the intensity of his pain and grief behind those abhorrent texts. He talked tough like it was me who would be hurt, but it’s him. It’s always been him. I have a powerful and stable spirit and network of family and support…even if it’s small. They’re always there for me and I draw strength from them. I…don’t think he has that. He keeps pushing his family away, though they also care tremendously for him. His friends don’t seem very helpful or supportive…maybe they are on Facebook (he unfriended me before I could him this morning. Probably blocked me too) but not in person. He pushes everyone away though. It’s probably not their faults.

Eh. He’s out of my life now. I want nothing to do with him anymore. If he or his family asked me for help, I would immediately, but they won’t and he certainly won’t. I know him, though he doesn’t know a lick about me. I know he’s hurting bad on top of losing that patient yesterday. I know he’s been hurting really really badly about our relationship, and hiding it inside himself while pretending he’s unfazed by it. Then he’ll try his hardest to forget and just erase it all like it never happened in the hopes that the pain will stop. But it won’t. And he’ll be a slave to all experiences of grief his entire life no matter how hard he tries, but it’s all he knows to do and it’s “worked” in the past.

I learned over the years that is NOT the way. Running away from your stresses and sorrows never helped me in the long run…maybe short-term, but never long enough. Face them head on, accept it, turn it around and learn from it, pretending it’s a teaching moment or a lesson in life (because it is), and hold no ill-will. That’s how to attain peace and happiness. It’ll hurt so much at first, but it’s totally worth it. Let it out, let it go, give it up. Way up. Now. Exactly how long it’ll take to feel better? I dunno. But the human mind is unbelievably powerful. As well as the spirit.

Mind, body, spirit. You need all three pillars to hold up your life. Lose one, put too much in one or have one too short and your life becomes rocky and unstable. When you master or have control over all 3, then you stop thinking about yourself because you already understand yourself. That’s when you can focus on others and on life.

I tried to help him look at his stresses and troubles that way, but he couldn’t and/or didn’t want to understand. His spirit is lacking big time, but it’s his soul, for sure. Turbulent and confused. He could only focus on himself because he didn’t know himself, still doesn’t know himself. I’m thinking that he might never find the answer…though I don’t wish that on him, because everyone deserves to find their peace and place.

Huh, all this philosophical stuff calmed my own heart down. The first no longer burns as hot. I guess…it’s because I’m trying to give him excuses like I always have, to analyze him and figure out why he is the way he is.

Eh. I do it for everyone, not just him…he just means…meant…so much to me.

I’m still restless. I need a true vacation, a change of scenery…a friend. A person. Something different. Different people. I never wanted to look for another relationship more than today, but that’s stupid and that’s anger talking. I’m in no position as jaded as I am right now to make good decisions and my situation doesn’t allow me to either. I’m lonely. I just want to be held, to be loved, to be kissed. Never more than right now.

…when will I be strong again? Independent again? Like I used to be? I’m so morose and depressing now. Cynical. Uncaring.

Someone help me, please.

Wow. Just. Wow.

Maybe I should stop questioning fate this year. I’m just going to hide in my bubble wrapped cave of a home and do nothing.

What’s wrong now you ask? Another financial hit, that’s what. As luck would have it, I got a flat on the way home. One that not even a patch would fix (most likely). A 2.5inch piece of wood somehow managed to pierce my driver rear tire somewhere about 1/4  to 1/2 of the way home today. I looked at my console about 5:30pm and the TPMS light was on. That’s when things started to sink in my belly. Crap. CRAP CRAP CRAP. I have one tire that was patched and I was afraid it’d one day go bad on me. As I quickly searched around in my mind for a place to pull over I could feel the drive on the car start to change. My field of vision was skewed, the braking and acceleration was wrong, and with much certainty could I pinpoint the problem to the rear left. Finally found a place to pull over and the PSI was 15. Holy crap. Started up the air compressor and furiously started texting my brother whom I knew was home. It got stuck around 23 psi and I knew this wasn’t going to end well. It finally started climbing and I made it to 34. As I took the thing off, I saw to my dismay the pressure dropping. Only thing left to do was drive and see how it did. About 3 minutes later, TPMS came on again and that tore it: I needed to get my donut spare on.

Pulled into Mason and texted my bro to come help me change my tire. Called the tire place and they told me they close in 2 hours and no more tire stuff because they have 6 cars that need tire work. Alrighty then. He arrives and happily gets to work. I checked the pressure again and at that point it was 8. Joy. Couldn’t see any immediate problems, but when he got it off, turns out it was a piece of wood jammed on the internal portion of the tire. Holy crap. Get the donut on with no real problems after I pumped it up to 60psi (blowing a fuse on my brother’s car…from 25.5 to 60psi is a major jump). Sloooow ride home, but hilariously everyone else had no problem chilling behind the slow-ass car with a spare on…no one really cared to go around me.

Then we had to come up with a plan. The way the tire looked we were pretty certain no one would want to patch it which means 4 new tires. Again. Only 2 years after replacing the whole set. That’s twice I had foreign objects embed themselves in my tires in the 2 years I had them. Plus, how could I allow the old people to drive and ride in a car where 2 tires have patches in them all the way to the beach??? It works out in that case because I had been already concerned about the one patched tire. Anyways, he can’t take off of work tomorrow and I can’t take off ANY MORE work this year. I am already in financial red and BOOM another $800 surprise expense. After looking at new tires on Tire Rack, I decided to go for off-road ones this time to help prevent any further mishaps like this. Figures, I have no money but I go for the expensive ones. I don’t want to have to replace my tires again in 2 years. I want them to last!!!

So what’s the plan? I drive mom’s car. She drives my car with the donut (because she drives slowly and literally has to drive 5 miles round trip). Brother already has Friday off so he takes my car in to have the new tires mounted. Works out because it forces my mom to drive my car finally and get used to it before the trip. It drives nothing like our other cars.

Ugh. I’m telling you. I can’t catch a break this year. Really. If you need me I’ll be lying low for the rest of the year. If this is a test, I’m close to drowning. A lifesaver would be very much appreciated right now, thanks!