Day: July 14, 2019

Less Bulky

Ever since Liana passed away I’ve no longer the need for my bulked up muscles. I know Gable is still around, but I simply don’t think I can carry him for any length of time no matter how bulky. He flails and bites and as I found with Liana, even if I could lift him onto my shoulders the long greyhound body shape is not conducive to should carrying. Their thick torso means that it’s the crotch area that sits on the back of the neck which defeats the purpose of putting them on your shoulders because whichever side is the anterior portion of their body is going to be 2/3 the weight. It’s not evenly distributed. I had a lot of trouble going for a length of time with her on my shoulders because one side was so heavy and the other was not. You don’t weight train like that. LOL. AND. Gable is male. Any time I try to pick him up around his crotch area he screams like it hurts a lot. I’m not a man, so I don’t know, but basically, if I ever have to pick him up, I just won’t be able to.

Anyways. I noticed yesterday that the shirts that I bought specifically because I found I could not fit in regular female t-shirts (the shoulder area) are no longer tight. They’re loose around the upper body. It annoys me a bit that it flops around a bit up there. I like my clothes more form fitting so the fabric doesn’t flap. My family likes that I’m back to looking more feminine these days. I closely observed my reflection yesterday and my shoulders now just look like my mom’s.

I’m a bit sad about that. A few months ago when she was super sick, I was the strongest I’ve ever been in my life. I was so strong, in fact, that it actually scared me. Even affected my work, I think. Little things: too much force to take my gloves off at work even though I’ve been doing that for years on end. It was the same amount of force I use, but with the increased strength, it was too much so the gloves would just rip. Punching open an Amazon box was child’s play. Opening a door too hard. Writing strength and would you believe it, it was hard to handwrite because my hands were so hard with muscle there was no flexibility. I didn’t like that. But I now am displeased with my current lack of strength. I think I like the feeling of rubbing my shoulders and arms and knowing that they’re strong. It’s a great feeling to have sure, tight musculature. Wonderful confidence booster. And if anyone ever needed my help, I’d be very sure I could help them.

I know it’s not that hard to just build it up again, but how much do I care about how people view me? When I was bulked, no one would approach me. These days, I’m not as scary, I guess, because my neighbors have been randomly talking to me. Do I care enough about guys to try and seem attractive? Nothing turns a dude off more than a manly woman–in my experience. Sadly. I guess men just want a weak girl? That’s why I can’t find anyone. Too critical anyways. I’m always going to be lifting weights. How much do I want? Especially since it won’t matter with Gable.

I have a friend in California who was an original online dating prospect. We’ve long since agreed that long distance like that is impossible, but we do somewhat regularly keep in touch. He told me a few weeks ago after yet another unsuccessful date that I was the perfect girl for him. I didn’t really respond in kind to that. If we were close by, I’d definitely have tried to date him as we have so much in common. He’s sweet, thoughtful, amply religious (the HARDEST trait to find, btw), and likes video games (not just the shooting ones either, cute ones). What I found out the other day when he was asking me something about a date that was good but then the girl told him he was too inexperienced because he didn’t try to kiss her (I told him he pretty much dodged a bullet with that one, but while someone else told him the same thing, he’s desperate for dating someone), I found out that he’s still unemployed (he was laid off from UPS). He’s been collecting unemployment but now that even job searching is not coming up with anything, he decided he’s just going to ride the benefits of unemployment until it stops.

Wow. Talk about learning too much about someone. I tried to offer him ideas like maybe a trade which has minimal schooling and mostly training, anything . However, he said he’s just going to play video games and look for girls. I didn’t say it, but that’s hardly the definition of a winner date. If I learned that about my date, I’d be like, see ya. Find me again when you’re stable. I was already with someone like that once, patient and willing to wait until he found his life course, but then once he did he was a different person and I had invested heavily in him both emotionally and financially. At least he was inspired and worked hard to get a job. One thing I hate more than anything is lack of duty and responsibility. Freeloaders need not apply. You could be the nicest guy but if you’re not going to contribute evenly to this then no. I’m a naturally lazy person. I love lounging around and I work as much as it allows me to live comfortably. When it comes to money, though, get out off your butt and get things done. Show me you’re willing to work because if you’re not willing to work for money and get your hands dirty then you probably won’t care to work on the relationship. That’s what it looks like at least. That was my complaint about my brother-in-law when he was in school and lounging, freeloading in my house, playing video games, spending nonexistent money on eating out, and not doing something as simple as cutting the grass. You know, a retail job is money. It’s not a lot, but it’s enough to help pay for gas, for groceries. It’s money, and more, it’s the strength of character, of humility to do what it takes for the people you love and your life. It demonstrates that you’re not just going to sit and wait for people to hand you things.

Ugh. No more ranting.

Dragon Quest Builders 2 is AWESOME. The battle with the Squirrel Squatters wages on. Time to step up the weaponry.

I was terrified about Gable last night, but he seems much better today. Much more normal.