Day: July 12, 2019

Yessss

Friday at last!!

You know, if my past self ever knew that in the future I’d be jumping paycheck to paycheck like I am, she would balk. She would laugh. She would wave a dismissive hand and say, “Nah. I’d never be dumb enough to do that.” Well, past-self, here you are. I hate the feeling. I hate it a lot. But sometimes it’s gotta happen because life happens and I can’t believe I’m still reeling from those Life-events even now. The things I do for my dogs, I’m telling you. Without them, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be in this hole. It’s not that I can’t afford my life. I’d done the budgeting before and I  should be able to save several tens of thousands a year (aside from retirement contributions) even when factoring in fun spending and various maintenance. However, when unexpected vet bills all stack on top of each other (the challenge of owning 2 dogs of the same age) and then you take exorbitantly priced vacations for the benefit of said dogs and your aging grandparents, taking the cost load upon yourself (not to mention all the spending that occurs when you’re there)…it all adds up. Oh. I forgot about the car. Driving in this area is murder upon the machine I rely upon to ferry me around. And the constantly rising cost of medical insurance I don’t even use.

Sigh. I keep thinking about Dental school and the possibility that it would solve all my problems. And then I realize that it might solve the menial problems I have now, but it will cause me higher stress-level ones later. I don’t know what to do. I like my lifestyle now, but I have a future to think of and if I’m adamant about staying single and devoting my life to dogs, then retirement is going to be extremely tricky. The easy solution is to just work normal hours like a normal person, but then I think about how the 2 weeks before the last week were pure torture on my body and hand.

I don’t know. I just don’t know. I don’t at all in the least doubt my abilities to take on full responsibility of patients (and earning triple what I make now, though double would be more me because I’d purposefully work minimal hours because I can and want to), but I am no workaholic, I don’t care about ambition or looking good or, honestly, about making boatloads of money. I like my relative peace and lack of headache. Running my own business is a nice idea where I have control of it all, but then I have control of it ALL. If my abilities tank, then my entire life tanks. Then again, I’d be much better able to support my mom and give her what she deserves. It’s such an annoying debacle.

I hate that everyone thinks status and money are so important, and I hate that money is so necessary. It’s just that I see time ticking away and it scares me. Why do I care so much what others think? Why does it matter?

I’m feeling restless. So restless. I thought it was my body telling me I need to workout, and doing so helped, but I’m beginning to think, or, really, admit to myself, that it’s because I feel unfulfilled. Is it because I’m pining for a life partner? Is it because of my uncertain future? Do I just want to go on vacation and get away? Is my brain feeling like mush again? Am I worried about the house, and finances, and everything? Perhaps I’m still depressed?

Ugh. I’ve had to take my grief and pain about Liana full on this week. TWICE. The first one was brought on by a patient who after 6 months still couldn’t make peace with putting her dog down. I think I helped. The second was with a good patient of mine and that was more therapeutic, but twice in one week when I try not to dwell on it at all is too much. It’s only been 2.5 months. It feels like a year. It’s bad enough that I don’t think I’ve been fair to Gable because I miss her so much. That every time I look at him I can only think of both of them. He’s not Liana. Nothing will ever replace her. I think I’ve been staying away from him and yesterday, I feel like I was getting tired of having him. It’s not that at all. I think my mind has distances itself from him because it knows that one day he’ll leave me too and it can’t deal with the pain a second time. That’s not fair. At all. I need to pay him more attention.

Hmm. Perhaps it’s depression still.

Well. Happy Friday, yall!