I can feel the fatness rolling back into my body. I’ve been doing super well, coming back from lots of physical exertion. I’d not been eating as much and I felt light, my belly fat was BURNED. Aaaaand now it’s back. I can just feel it seeping around my midpoint. Ugh. Ate way too much for dinner. Pizza from Brick’s Pizza and homemade tofu curry, which I should’ve just stopped at because, well, how much healthier can you get? Ugh. UGH UGH UGH. And then I lounged on the couch thereafter, having bought the 3-pack Resident Evil Anime (CGI, really) because it was on sale. HD and all. Yeah, I pretty much only ever watch movies based on games I’ve played. That’s like, the rule.
Resident Evil Degeneration. I watched this waaay back when it first came out which was in 2008, and to be fair, that was 11 years ago. ELEVEN. Years. Ago. Honestly, it holds up pretty well graphically for being so old, but GOOD GRAVY, the movie itself is sooo bad…and I LIKE bad movies. Back then, I tried to watch it for free online because, well, I was a poor, poor college student and while I managed to watch all of it, I assume the streaming was bad. Back then it was already not a great movie. Tonight, I got to watch the whole thing from start to finish with no interruptions. At first, I thought my younger self was being way too critical (I was well known for doing that, I’m still critical, but I feel, more fair these days) but as it dragged on, I found the criticism well-deserved.
#1: I can’t believe it was 1.5 hours long. With all the extraneous bits aside, it could have been easily just over 1 hour.
#2: The faces. Okay, okay, I said the movie is 11 years old, so I can’t be too harsh, but the animators spent a lot of time on the male faces. Their lips are normal and apart from Leon’s immovable hair, they look believable. The men all have appropriately different faces and lips. With the exception of the 2 Indian females, the 2 main female protagonists have basically the same face. Especially their LIPS. Those DAMN lips. They only worked to increase the annoyance the females exuded, but that’s to be explored later. Apparently all females have full, pouty lips that don’t naturally close. Always resting partially apart in a sexy, airhead pose. Should’ve shelled out money for orthodontics, yo. The character face shouldn’t be that significant except…
#3: …that the movie spends an inordinate amount of time just showing their faces. Staring. Staring faces. Perhaps they spent a lot of time and effort in perfecting them? Ooo the G-virus is attacking me? I’ll just stare at it. Oh no! Lots of zombies! Let’s stare at them!
#4: Leon is a creep. Every time Angela is doing something, therrrrrre’s Leon skulking silently in the background! Staring! He’s also very touchy feely with her…
#5: The females are effectively useless. And by females, I mostly mean Angela. Claire didn’t have too many action scenes, though she did have some and one particularly badass one in the beginning, but they are still few and far between. Her most wimpy part is when she got a relatively small shard of glass in her leg which promptly rendered her lame. If they had made her any ounce more worthless, the entire movie would’ve been bust for me. This is Claire Redfield from Resident Evil 2, for goodness’ sake! Angela, Angela, Angela. Apparently top ranking in the S.R.T. which is apparently some military thing. Talked tough in the beginning, but proved her rank was a joke. She basically spent the entire movie staring, yelling, crying, pining, begging, flashbacking and did very very little shooting. Pretty much every time they had to run for their lives, Leon dragged her along and pushed her out of the way of things because she is clearly inept. Then at the very end there is a completely unnecessary scene with her wearing a dress and showing off her boobs as well as her strangely disproportionate shoulders (i.e. they are way too wide for her apparent height).
#6: Unnecessary romance. I mean, when you’re a busy special agent like Leon, I guess you take ’em where you can get ’em? Anything will be hot when all you get are zombies. Maybe having to save her inept life a few times, plus boringly staring at a fire with her makes her desirable? The kiss underwater? WHY? They were down there like 3 seconds and he was like, KISS OF LIFE NOW. Then there was that AWFUL, cringeworthy, squirm-in-your-seat staring they did right after G got incinerated. And the very end with her in that terrible flower dress.
#7: Poor movement. Once again, perhaps a dated thing, but geez, the running is hilarious and the part at the end when Leon and Claire walk up to Angela in the dress is so side-splitting because they both walk so stiffly it’s like they’re zombies, themselves!
#8: Frustration. I spent half of the movie yelling at the TV because it’s so frustrating watching, especially the female characters, just stand there when they should be running, talking when they should be running, and generally not acting properly in the life-or-death urgency of the situation.
#9: Boring. Half of the movie was so tedious with talking and such. I understand they were trying to fill in information and give backstory, but geez. When I wasn’t yelling at the screen, I was yawning.
Props. There are a few props I must give. The story, itself, is pretty interesting, given that it ties in to Tricell. The actiony parts kept me on the edge of my seat, which is great! The voice acting is overall good too. I LOVED that they used Leon’s Resident Evil 4 voice. That was the best part of the movie. The detail they put into the WilPharma building was wonderful. Must have taken a while to do.
Overall, it was horribly cringeworthy, but worth watching for Resident Evil fans. I hope the other 2 in the trilogy are better, but I won’t keep my hopes up. Besides, like I said before, I actually like bad movies. Anything to extend the lore for a game I really like.