Month: June 2019


…FINALLY it’s Friday! I am so happy that it is! This week has been so long and I’ve had such horribly difficult patients these past 2 weeks, that my hand and arm are just killing me! Yesterday was so difficult that my patience was truly running out and I kept wishing it was Friday, yesterday. Well here it is today and I hope and pray that it will be easier. The big one I had yesterday was a medically involved patient who had a small bag connected to his stoma plus a feeding tube. He’d had esophageal-upper stomach cancer and in his own words, “It’s my price to pay for still being alive.” Basically he does not eat because he can’t. He used to be  morbidly obese because I’d done his teeth then too. Well. It’s absolutely amazing how much eating food prevents tartar buildup because I was horrified at how much was in there. On top of it all, because the little bag connected to his neck is quite small, I couldn’t use the ultrasonic. All by hand and he was a good patient but I challenge anyone, let alone a medically complex patient like him, to sit through a cleaning like that for almost 2 hours. Basically by the end I’d given up and his jaw was giving out, but the result was vastly different. At least for now because I know it will just come back.  Sigh.

Of course then the rest of the day and even before him was populated by all tartar-patients.

Reading my old blog last night encouraged me to try and update more often. Even though I have physical journals to write in, it’s just not nearly as convenient as typing up in here, especially because I tend to save that journal for the severe, hard stuff. It’s much more therapeutic to physically write anything down. Plus, if I want to find an entry quickly like last night, it’s so simple. The quality of my entries these days is so much different and I daresay so much worse than before. Then again it might just be that I’m old now and my posts are more negative? It’s nice to read the underlying emotion around my entries. You should be positive when you’re young. THen you get old like me and super cranky and cynical.

I told a college patient once that I love college students because they’re so idealistic, happy and unconquerable. They’re open-minded and just awesome in that paradise between childhood and adulthood. Then I got cynical and dark so quickly and I saw the change in her when I start injecting too much realism into things and she ran out so fast, lol. Oops. I’m a super realistic person too (dont’ wanna call it pessimism) which is actually hard to handle sometimes. People have accused me of being so cold. A veritable ice queen. I love funny and cute and happy things, but I’m realistic. Which is actually silly because I’m simultaneously emotion-driven. A weird mix. Well. I’ve been trying hard to tamp down the emotion because it makes sound decision-making difficult.

My laptop is running out of juice, so gotta go!

10 years ago today

Just for giggles I read my blog from 10 years ago. There just so happened to be an entry from this exact date (the 27th of June). So funny to read and so interesting, especially the very last line. And here it is:

Mmmmmmm working out….painful muscles… I FEEL GREAT!

I got a $5 hub from Office Depot

My room is an utter mess again

I’ve picked up Animal Crossing for DS again

I talk alot

Driving is exhilerating

Doctors (ie dentists, optometrist) are hilarious

I know SO MUCH stuff…now how to apply it all

I love animals in such a way that there is no way to express that love in words

Thunderstorms scare the heck out of me. People think I’m exaggerating, but I truly am afraid of them.

Haha. I don’t think anyone will ever be able to safely share a bed with me. I am a very violent sleeper, especially recently. Just this afternoon I was taking a nap on top of my blankets and when I woke up I noticed that my pillow was on the ground. This pillow is one that had been safely tucked UNDER my quilt. I was on top of the quilt. The only plausible solution is that I ripped the pillow out when i was sleeping and threw it on the floor.

THEN the other day I sleepwalked. I hadn’t–to my knowledge–done that for a long time. How did I know? Well the scanner in my room has this bright blue light that faces me when i sleep. Well, I went to sleep that night after turning off my DS. I was so tired that I was like, whatever, I’ll just sleep through the light (normally I put something on top of it). THe next morning I wake up and I was like, what’s that? I walk over and lo and behold: placed perfectly on top of the light is my cell phone. ?!?!?!?!?!?! When I wake up at night, my body has been trained to be on full alert, whether it be going to the bathroom or not. I attribute that to escape-prone hamsters and UMW fire drills. I remember NOTHING about getting up and putting my phone there. Moreover, that would require me knowing exactly where my phone was to be able to locate it and place it in the dark without knocking everything else over. I tried to do that in the dark yesterday and I was fumbling everywhere and knocked a bunch of stuff off my desk…and that wasn’t groggy. The implications of my recurring sleepwalking is scary. If I were to do that living alone, who would be there to tell me to go back to my room? Apparently sleep walking and violent sleeping are genetic from my mom’s side. Haha.


Things That Have Happened

Let’s see…

Notsogoodthings: I accomplished waaay less than I intended (and the bar is quite low). Bought a lot of stuff even though I have no money. Got bitten by several mosquitoes.

Onthebrightside: I finished Ghost Recon: Wildlands. I mean, it’s plain amazing that I beat any game at all these days, so this is quite an accomplishment for me, albeit not productive in the way I wanted to be. I did start to sketch ideas for RW, and even actually drew one. Just need it to be inked. That means creativity is bursting forth! I’ve been reading more, so my vocabulary has crept upwards a few tics.

I’m proud of the fact that my creativity fountain has loosed, even if the stream is only mediocre at best. So easily distracted by electronics.


Last night I could not sleep almost at all. The dreams were fitful. I kept waking over and over and over, my brain not quite reaching REM. Maybe there’s a reason I shouldn’t play video games right up until sleep time. Even if it’s just Pokémon Let’s Go Eevee. Doesn’t help at all that it was heavily raining and that the thunderstorms were super scary. At this point I’m not even sure if they were real. They had to be. The first round was scary  (I am almost phobic) but the second round, I was truly terrified. I was terrified in my dream (of a horrifically powerful storm blowing up to the house and that my mom is out there in the storm, having randomly decided to use public transportation because she didn’t want to drive in the super dark clouds and heavy rain, and I had to go out, myself, to go pick her up because the buses would surely not run anymore given the severity of the conditions) and then when the thunder sounded like straight up a large series of bombs going off, I remember my mind kept thinking, OK this is it, they’ve decided to strike on U.S. soil and I am going to die. Might as well die in my sleep. My brain kept thinking of Gable.

I’m kind of amped up right now like I usually am when I got no sleep, where I’m hyper but my eyes have a hard time focusing on anything.

I ate SO MUCH FOOD yesterday. Working out is a must tonight.




I don’t know, this is probably the longest I’ve gone without updating. In a way it’s a good thing because typically when I don’t feel the need to update (read: vent) then life isn’t going poorly for me.

What’s happened so far?

  1. It’s been almost 2 months since Liana died. Gable’s over it. I’m still on the road.
  2. I took a week off of work to finalize everything and get the house sold, breaking myself and losing a ton of weight only to be told that summer is a terrible time to sell. OK then, I actually have more time which isn’t that bad. At least I got so much stuff done that week.
  3. Getting bitten by a spider on my lower back and feeling horribly tired and then having (and still having) lymph node involvement
  4. Well actually, that’s it.

Not too much, I guess. Little things like doing major clean up even North. Playing video games (SO close to being done with Ghost Recon: Wildlands), getting rest especially in regards to the spider thing which is still ongoing but waning, catching up on my debt by not spending too much money, finding that Gable had an allergic reaction to the shampoo I used on him, painting the greyhound statue into the visage of Liana.

My nephew came yesterday and saw the statue and pet it, calling it “Na-na.” That really teared me up. I don’t know how long it’s going to take to get over her. Occasionally, I’ll just think about her and the tears will just come.