Wildlife sightings

Must be a wildlife day cuz I saw 2 interesting ones today. One was at work where I looked out the window and saw something flailing about. It was so large I ran out and wow that thing was big!!! Now I feel like I made to be bigger than it was but it certainly was not 1 or 2 inches. I was afraid to pick it up because it was so big I could see the pincers and each individual spike on its legs.

Pictuurrrrres

Then while walking the dog I was chased by other dog walkers and took a walk into the grass by the historical bunker and I see a glimpse of this animal that is not a squirrel. Definitely not a squirrel. In fact it looked a lot like an otter even though an otter shouldnt be able to survive there with no water. Long body, grayish brown (leaf color) fur, small snakelike head, no markings. I couldnt tell if there was a tail or not but it disappeared into the roots of a tree before I could get a better look. Sizewise it was similar to a cat but a big cat. Longer than a cat too. And of course I did not have my phone. Darnit!!

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I would realllllly reallllly like to win the lottery right now please.

This debt thing is getting way out of hand. It’ll all be okay as soon as I sell the house, but when will that be? Paying for insurance I don’t use…what a dumb thing. I wish I didn’t have to do that. Man that would be thousands back in my pocket. THOUSANDS. That I could be paying things off with.

Or I could just go work more. Duh.

I’m still feeling that stress about dental school or not. I really don’t want to, but I’m starting to feel like if I don’t, then my future is shot altogether. Then again, if I do, my future is shot altogether. I like being able to come to work and just get through the day. I had my taste of dealing with the types of patients I don’t want to deal with as a dentist, being the end all. If my hygiene patient isn’t cooperating all I do, is hands up, let the dentist take care of it. The deflection is great. You know, it’s funny, I haven’t had to do local anesthesia for years. Yesterday I used a subgingival topical agent applicator and it is held and administered similar to one. I figure after all these years, I wouldn’t have that fear anymore, but it’s crazy how much memory there is to fear. I wasn’t consciously nervous, but the mere act of holding it like a syringe was making my hand shake uncontrollably. Not to mention the patient is horribly anxious but we both made each other nervous and it wasn’t until she pushed me away and freaked out which always makes me mad that caused me to buckle down and work my patient magic. The more I administered, the less nervousness I felt, but I had to get over my own anxiety to try and calm hers down. Then it’s freak out time afterwards and I was completely drained after that.

To be honest, it did make me feel like a dentist. Or at least gave me a taste of what it would be like. I’m already accused of being basically like one. I just keep worrying and thinking about it and it’s not the aftermath I’m too worried about, but it’s a consideration. Obviously I’d be an associate first to get money, but how could I put myself in a boss position and be responsible for retirement, insurance, liability, worker wellbeing, etc. It’s a lot to take in, and I wouldn’t want to be an associate forever. I just wouldn’t. I know it will take years to get a business started and regular patients while trying to avoid lawsuits and such. Man, I wouldn’t even be able to afford a hygienist at first. Do my own cleanings which is fine by me, of course, but man.

This decision and thought process is really starting weigh heavier and heavier upon me.

Still, the only thing I really REALLY want is to buy my own home here and live on my own for a little.

I hate this type of thinking and future planning. It’s the same type that plagued me when I was in a relationship: this nagging, always nagging feeling like I knew exactly what was going to happen and all I could do was worry, try to make the best of what I had, and try to fix it to prevent it. What’s the point of foresight when nothing can be done to fix it? No matter what I tried, it would make it worse, and I’d berate myself for acting too early in anticipation of it. Was it fate, or did my craziness cause it? Hindsight says it was fate because we just were not compatible. The times were good and fun, but it would never have worked out. I can’t shake the same feelings and premonitions, though. Ugh.

Please, lottery gods! I need munnies.