Day: February 21, 2018

I am OLD

Yesterday was my birthday. Yet another birthday. It was great, though! Since I have no car and can’t go anywhere on my own, I got to spend time with my nephew and we spent the day at my grandparent’s house with my dogs too. I got everything I could want: family, dogs, time off work and a very short haircut. Doesn’t get much better than that.

My car came up to $3000 in replacements and repairs. It turned out more complex than the estimate dude thought, so now I’ll be without a car much longer than I thought. Thankfully my situation allows me the use of my family’s cars and my brother works from home for the most part. My insurance does not cover rental car because I bought it way back in 2010 when I was poor with the intention of changing it when I got a job, but it completely slipped my mind and there you have it. Later, I’ll definitely add it to my plan. After the rates hike up of course. Sigh.

I read an article the other day about this lady who divorced her husband and reflecting on how it went wrong and how now they get along so much better apart than ever together. Great as friends, but not as partners. I felt a bit guilty. It makes sense, to think of a marriage or any relationship at all as a partnership. I feel like there’s nothing anywhere that trains you on how to make a relationship work. Not school, not books, definitely not TV or movies. The clues are there, just never explicitly explained…instead the focus is all on marriage for love. Everyone gets that. All songs, most movies, video games, books…how to get the girl or guy, how gorgeous they have to be, the focus on lust…all physical feelings and attractions: exactly the stuff that make a baby happen and then guaranteeing a split. Primal. Maybe at one point in the existence of humans this was completely appropriate, but not in society now where it takes money, support, and psychology…and well, a partnership…to make it all work.

Now that I’ve read it, it all makes sense. I think about the team, the partnership concept, and look to where I have the best example of this: work. My co-worker/friend/former classmate. We work well together. VERY well together. I miss her heavily when she’s not there. We’re not friends so much in the sense that we hang out outside of work. I’ve done that on rare occasions and like back when we were in school. That’s our space. We work…together. I don’t lord over her, I don’t control her, in fact, she has my significant respect. I don’t want to change her. I pick up slack for her when she needs it, I help her out. She does the same for me. We agree on mostly the same morals. We have very similar work ethics. When I just can’t do something, I know that she’ll be able to and I pass it off to her. I’ll readily and do tell patients that if she can’t do something, I sure as heck can’t–I’m proud of her abilities. We’re partners. I care strongly about her well being, about her family and about her future. I never want to see her hurt. However, we are our own people and I never try to change that because if she ever did, that wouldn’t be her and I’d miss that too. We talk about deep things, about family. She listens, I listen to her. We exchange ideas. We are allowed to adopt the other’s ideas, or not. She’s her own person. We can sit in silence together and it’s not awkward at all. We have space and we have together time. A partnership. We work well in a team.

A relationship, in my opinion, should be very similar, with a few physical differences, but that shouldn’t be all it’s about. Based strongly off of respect for the other. Balanced in all ways, with space and with closeness. Never about changing the other or holding to expectations because that mere fact alone means that you don’t trust them to be able to accomplish things in life. No grading a relationship, no deep analysis. I am prone to it, because that’s how my brain thinks, but here’s the weird part about that: I have never ever analyzed my and my coworker’s relationship at all. There has never ever been a need to do so. It just exists, happily. Does that mean, then, that the relationship analysis only came about because there’s a sense that something is not quite right?

Sure, there are other things keeping us together, like money, and the workplace. Every relationship is different as well. Sparks peter off, beauty will fade. But money and kids can be that possible glue that keeps a couple together, though hopefully it doesn’t come to that. Well. Whatever the future holds for me relationship-wise, I do not want to repeat my mistakes. I will look at it like a partnership, no one higher than the other. That was our big problem. He kept saying that we’re so far apart in our life roads that we weren’t compatible. It’s true. I kept treating him like I was the teacher and he as the student…hardly an equality in respect. I don’t know if there was anything I super respected about him. He was like another younger brother to me and when I absorbed from him things I had no experience in, it was like a spider sucking all the juices out of a fly. There was nothing left, no fight in him either. I was fond of him. I NEED to respect my significant other…something I don’t give away lightly at all. That’s why I have so very few friends.

I don’t want to marry for love in the romantic sense. I think it’s folly to be overcome by emotion like that and make significant decisions. Not in my late age. That’s probably why people get married in their twenties: not only are you biologically peaked, but you’re not set in your ways yet. Not like I am now. Inflexible.