Aside from my brother constantly telling me I’m half man, that I really do feel like I had a male twin that died in utero and therefore I absorbed some of his testosterone, that I’m really not particularly feminine in many ways, I really am female. I don’t know if it’s just the way my brain operates where I feel like everything is so amazingly interesting when others don’t want to think a certain way or feel like those certain types of thoughts are “weird” or “strange” or “why-do-you-think-like-that,” but I think about stuff like, would it be like if I were male instead of female? Not in the sense that I wish I was or not, just a what-if. Similarly my brain will think of things like, of all the people and life forms that exist on this planet, I am me. Why? I could have been a bee, or my neighbor, or that idiot I just honked at, but I’m me! That’s just cool! Or, what’s the point of life? Why do we run this rat race? What’s it all for? What does it matter if I have a lot of money or become rich and famous, or even if I decide I want to be a druggie? Why do we even exist? Or about paranormal phenomena, or about how the body works, etc. Just, purely for understanding’s sake.
Others find it all too deep, too thinky, too…strange. Bothersome. I haven’t found a single person with whom I can talk about things like this to and have them one, not run away screaming, two, actually listen to me without zoning out, and three (the most important) actually understand what I’m saying and think one the same plane. My mom is probably the closest, but she doesn’t think on the level I do. It’s something I’ve come to accept: that I don’t think like others do or vice versa. Nothing that I look down on people or in any direction at all, just that’s how it is.
Haha…honestly it’s all rather cumbersome, this style of thought. It drives more people away than to me. Too many times have others been offended by what I say even though I don’t mean anything judgmental. I like to think that my thoughts are realistic. Then again…words don’t mean the same thing to me as other people either. Take the word “realistic” for example: what does that mean to you? What does the word “real” mean? Typically, my understanding of a word — or my thinking, really — is what I describe as round. Not linear, round. Encompassing. Whole. A globe. My thought process is indeed, round, if you were to give it a shape. Realistic can mean, pragmatic, down to earth, right? But it also means true. In my sense, I feel that my thoughts are realistic because they are true, they are exactly what I feel.
When I was in college, I had a friend who was struggling in a class. I asked her if she needed help, because I could help her. She was offended because for some reason she didn’t want MY help, seeing as maybe her intelligence should be equal to or greater than my own? I may not have gotten the chance to go to schools on par with my true academic abilities, and I may not flaunt it either, but I am a good student. I’ve always been a good student. That’s why I have always been at the very top of my classes. LET ME HELP YOU. If anyone tells you that, your first reaction is what? To be offended. Why are you boasting and rubbing that in my face, do you think I’m dumb or not smart? I have never understood that mindset. If I don’t know something, I have ZERO issues admitting that I don’t know, because, well, I don’t know! Teach me! Why must people pretend to know things they don’t? Pride? To what end? And similarly, if I know something, then I know it. I’m NOT BOASTING. I’m merely telling you a truth. I know my strengths. I know my weaknesses. Let me help! Needless to say, she didn’t let me help. Oh well. I tried.
It’s interesting whenever I admit my academic achievements. Not to anyone either, just to myself. It’s always been something I keep within me because I know how it makes others feel. I’m no genius. I had a personal encounter with a genius and there are EXTREMELY intelligent people out there. I consider myself above average intelligence, with a unique brain. Really and truly, if I were to pat myself on the back, I really have always been top of my class. I kept all of my report cards. In my senior year in HS, when I found out that I was tippity top percentage of my class (my orchestra 1st period teacher was super proud, my friend was mad jealous, and I was very embarrassed) I purposefully slacked off so that I wouldn’t be either valedictorian or salutatorian. It worked. They asked me repeatedly in middle school to attend governor’s school for the gifted mind. I repeatedly declined, much the fury of my father. I was one of 2 students in college that made it as a junior into Phi Beta Kappa. Never graduated from there. I never had a choice as to what college to go to, so I don’t and won’t ever know the full extent of my abilities. Same in my career. Life hurdles made it impossible to realize my full potential. BUT HERE’S THE THING: it goes back to when I said towards the beginning that my mind likes to think about deep questions: what’s the point? Whether I land a successful, high end, high paying, high tier, high respect job, what’s the trade off? I’ve had barriers to my potential my whole life. Like I was never destined for it. Now that those shackles are gone and I’m in an extremely favorable place and position to achieve any dreams like that I desire, I find that I…don’t really care to. Why? Why should I?
I wonder, sometimes, what it would have been like to have made that decision to go to governor’s school. To choose the best college. To shoot and aim high, to hit my target. Those people have lives, responsibilities, bills, woes, happiness, just like anyone else. And they’ll die just like everyone else too. The same percentage and capacity of debt, just in a different life tier. More cushy, a loftier view. Farther to fall. More blindness. And much more effort to keep your balance the higher you go. Mortality remains the same.
Wow. I am super duper sleepy.
Heh. Will I ever find someone who can think the round way I do? I can’t even describe that roundness properly. Eh, that doesn’t matter either, does it? Nothing does. I’m just too weird, too cuckoo anyways. Does any of this post even make sense of follow a logical path? Beh.
Oh, and as Valentine’s Day approaches this single lady, the answer to my question a few years ago: my significant other can NOT be a non-thinker. I need someone with a decent head between their shoulders. Basically, it’ll be impossible to find anyone who can tolerate this insanity I call my mind. What a joke it all is.
OH yeah. The whole reason I wanted to write a post was to show this image: I found a quiz online that would take pictures of you and show you what you’d look like as the opposite sex. It was pretty neato and fun. Even if some of them didn’t even change the original picture for the result. Sometimes I make a nice looking guy, lol. Also, I was trying to figure out how it worked. Either they just pull from a big library of pictures and meld them together, or they just masculinize it by thickening and straightening eyebrows, pull down and square the jaw, make the nose bigger, add a little facial hair, bigger forehead. They look all so different though, that’s why I thought they just pulled on a library of male faces.