Month: November 2017

Depressing

I was just chatting with one of my long term suitors turned friend/suitor. Man. I really am still not ready to get back into the game. It’s really very depressing. He’s a nice guy and I’m still not interested in him in that way. I swear I’m too cynical, too narcissistic, too stubborn to be able do it again. And now, I’m even more jaded.

On top of it, my body wants nothing to do with working out. It’s only been a few days geez. Instead of being cooperative, my body and muscles just turn into rubber and want to sit there.

I dunno. I don’t have a positive view of myself anymore. It’s like I’m simply existing now. No real future in the near horizon. Prospects are there but every time each foothold is reached, the fog obscures the next one.

What am I doing it all for? Why am I alive? I feel like a mere shell of my former self. Nothing excites me anymore.

Still waiting. Just watching. Like a gargoyle.

DST is over

It’s that weird time of year again when I’m wide awake at 5am and dead by 8:30pm. Also, it’s the time when the dogs think I’m punishing them by not feeding them on time and doing walkies late.

I have been just AWFUL about working out after last week’s focus.  Doughnuts, candy, cake and fruit tarts. Guh. MUST MUST MUST get to it tomorrow. It’s just that by the time I’m done with everything it’s late and especially with the time change my body’s like, let’s go to sleep!

What happened this past weekend? Well, I was going to go South on Saturday since my mom had off both Saturday and Sunday. In fact, she took them off so that we could do that, but as it turned out, the in-laws were visiting. Again. Seriously, when are they NOT there? I could care less if they were in their own house, but yet AGAIN, I have not been able to do any sort of housework. I might as well just give up. This is just impossible. I don’t mind so much that they visit as when they do, they stay the night which means I literally have nowhere to go in the house, MY HOUSE, except the living room floor and outside. There is just no room for me anywhere. In my own place. My grandpa said that he does NOT want to go down there for Thanksgiving this year because the house is so cluttered now, unlike how it used to be, open and pretty. When my mom told me that he said that himself, I was like, see? I’m not the only one who thinks along those lines. They moved in, and just took 100% over. Where in the heck they’re going to put all that stuff in a small townhouse in the future (hopefully NEAR future…) I have no clue.

So instead, I took the dogs to the park and then took my mom shopping. As it turned out, though, I was glad we didn’t drive down because the traffic going that way was crazy. I knew all my patients were going out to the mountains, but to see the traffic in person was nuts. It’s rarely ever that crowded on a Saturday morning. Not to mention later when it was raining during church around the time I’d have been driving back in all that traffic…I would have been right in the thick of it all. Plus, I got to have my pho. ^—-^

Sunday was DST-end. I woke up at 7am after trying to sleep in but failing, and just lay in bed instead until around 8:30am. Reason? I needed to acclimate my dogs to the new time frame. The first day of DST-end every year is the absolute best time to hit the park trails because everyone is still sleeping in and I’m up early. As a bonus, it was cloudy and drizzly which means empty trails. It was waaaay to crowded on Saturday. At least there were no kids following my dogs around. Then we prepped to meet up with the grandparents for brunch and then spent the rest of the day at their place with the dogs, setting up the Roku for a trial run and then I went out to buy my grandpa a new chair to replace his beat up one for the computer. He was really happy and there’s nothing I love more than making the people I love happy. My dogs seemed happy, my mom was happy, my grandparents happy. Job as granddaughter: fulfilled.

Then there was today! Continued my fall-cleaning quest. People to spring cleaning, but I do fall cleaning apparently. Still too wet to take down the Halloween lights, cut the grass, or finish my yardwork, but it was perfect conditions to aerate! So, after walking the dogs, grabbed the step core aerator and got to work. Perrrrfect conditions. Then it was the usual setup for grocery shopping where I spent way too much money because the Giant digital coupon thing wasn’t syncing properly. Guh. Also I bought way too many impulse things. Food, games and cartoons, you know, the usual, then I started staining the do-it-yourself spinning photo cube my mom bought me. Pretty neat to use a stain pen, but also about 10x as long as traditional stain. Much less messy, though. Then dog walkies, cooking, UnoIPBox testing with the brother, cleaning up, dog feeding, recycle and trash, and then an hour of watching video clips on the NVidia Shield.

Kids are off school again tomorrow for elections. Must remind myself to go vote tomorrow, otherwise I’ll go straight home and forget.

So. Sleepy.

I didn’t get much done this weekend at all and it felt like it went by too quickly and I also managed to spend way too much money. Sigh. Most of it was on my grandparents. Whatever. It’s worth it to spend on them. Who knows how much longer they have on this earth.

I hadn’t realized it was Veteran’s Day today.

There are so many things I want to do, but very little time to do them. I want to do crafty things, play my video games, be with my dogs, eat good food and sleep well.

I also wish I was able to go places and do new things, but there is no person to do anything with. Interesting, because this is the same feeling I used to have while I was online dating. The desire is still there, but it’s like, because I’ve already been through the relationship thing once, I’m less eager to try again…or maybe it’s not so much that as, the novelty isn’t as alluring as it was. It’s no longer a mystery, an unknown. I’m still interested in finding a life mate, but I’m also enjoying my life as it is right now: overall carefree and easy. It comes to me every so often. I tell myself, if a 600lb woman can have a boyfriend, so can I. If someone managed to fall in love and marry Idiot at work, someone can love me too. I’m certainly not unattractive to the opposite sex (and similarly even to the same sex…)  as evidenced by my past and just public interaction, but I guess I am a difficult person to be with. Too strong-willed, unyielding, and older than I seem. That tends to be a big turn off.

It IS flattering to be thought of as younger than I am, I guess. I’m old enough now to feel that way.

My dogs are old. Liana is worrying me a bit with her exhaustion. Gable is still as silly as always. Her past really is catching up with her. This rainy weather isn’t helping much either.

November!

Halloween is over and November is here. You know what that means? Well, I woke up late, for one, because it was so dark out. I walked out with the dogs in the dim light and I heard, smelled, and saw the leaves blowing around in the wind. You only get those sensations this time of the year…just like the sky looks like this only one time a year. Even the cloudy days in the autumn-time are gorgeous to me. Everything about Fall is great.

Is this what late middle-age will be like?

Liana was going bonker-dog yesterday. She was super excited about all the kids on our walk and also at the door. I walked them with their bumblebee and pig costumes.

I remember loving Halloween every year, and honestly, I miss living in a place where people get very excited about holidays. Around here it’s like people don’t want to appear over-the-top (I got that vibe from my patients who seemed to look down on those houses that “look like Halloween threw up all over” them. Words from my patient) for any of the holidays. The lights and few decorations that I put up were liked by many of the kids and even parents and probably only one of a small percentage. My childhood was being filled with joy and anticipation of seeing cool, spooky homes and then dreaming of being able to do the same when it was my turn to own a house. We’re talking, scary decorations, laughing motion sensing devices, strobe lights, fog machines, scarecrows that were actually people, being chased by gorillas and people with live chainsaws. Around here and in this day and age? Someone’d get the cops called on them.

Well. I still enjoy the excitement and want to pass on that thrill to others. I won’t go super tacky, but I want to decorate. Speaking of which, I’m trying to think of a different configuration for my Christmas lights this year.

Lighten up, people! Similarly, I’ve found while talking to my patients that everything around here is kept on the downlow in an attempt not to draw attention or offend anyone? Is that it? I’ve let out on occasion that I’m Catholic and more people than you realize are. It’s just that no one will disclose that. Coming from a place where people are proud of going to church and it’s a commonplace thing, it’s so weird here. I’d say our patients are probably 80% churchgoers but you wouldn’t know it. The sense of community around here is non-existent. Seriously.