Day: November 22, 2017

I’m all alone, there’s no one here beside me

…literally.

I am home…alone! No dogs either, just me. The people, I’m not concerned about, but the dogs…if I didn’t have the dog beds and dog toys lying around, I’d be okay, but empty dog beds are very depressing. I miss their furry little bodies there. Especially Gable. So what did I do? Flop on the couch. Turn on the TV. Pick up the phone. Forced myself off the couch in search of foods which I’d already planned and bought at work. Heated it up, ate a little and then threw it all away because DAMN it smelled like seafood. Guh. Waste of money. Instead, I ate Green Giant niblet corn, rainbow sherbet, and deli meat. Woohoo! More phone excitement while trying to stay awake, some messenger conversation, made myself stay up until 9:30, checked all the door, inserted the 3 set of whitening trays and here I am. This house is pretty big for one person. I could do it though.

Realllllllyyyy glad I refused to drive down tonight, because driving home from work was bad enough…and I even left early. I kept nodding off and had to break out the chocolate in a valiant effort to keep myself awake. That and getting mad at people…it works, you know? A moderate mad, like frustration and focus. Even then I couldn’t keep it up…geez. Lack of sleep really does that. I’ll sleep after this and then get up early tomorrow to go down in an effort to beat all the traffic. Dunno what I’m gonna do down there while everyone sleeps, but there you go. Another reason I don’t want to be down there.

My coworker was telling me how her boyfriend was getting a new car again. He leases cars so he keeps getting new ones as the leases are up, but he’s always choosing cars that I, myself, find annoying. Normally, I could care less because why should I? It has no bearing on me. The car he has now is a BMW something or another. Now he has a WRX. And for whatever reason he’s always insisting my coworker drive them. BMW and WRX are completely different cars. He also insists on manual, which for someone like him who works from home is fine, but around here a manual car is just ridiculous. Bottom line is that when she told me about it, the news made me irrationally angry and annoyed. I think she noticed. Why? A couple reasons: one, I’m PMSing which means everything makes me overreact. Two, I hate unsettled people and on top of unsettled people, I hate impractical people. To me, especially, in a mate (in this case, my co-worker who wants to spend her life with this guy), someone like this who likes thrill things like new cars, fast cars, expensive things for cars, always changing up cars, is not settle-down material. Rational thinking tells me that whatever, he doesn’t even have to pay for a house right now, so he’s entitled to enjoying his money, but my brain (the same one that gets and has gotten me in trouble relationship-wise) says red alert, flag time. Third, this is the exact same problem I had with ex. Why in the world I keep looking for hidden messages in people’s actions based around cars, but why the HELL do these men (even my brother) care so much about these stupid cars. I know a bit about cars myself, but after thinking about things in the way I do, they are, in the end, a mode of transport. Why people place such importance on them is beyond me, whether it be status, or performance. I mean, status? Performance? Pfft. I’d rather spend it one something else than worry about scuffs on my super expensive car that I don’t ever and will never be able to use to the fullest extent of its performance power because that would be driving-with-intent-to-kill. Why? Because they have nothing else to worry about. Not my brother, not my co-worker’s boyfriend, and not my ex (at least of what I knew of him). None of them own a house or have much other responsibility.

I guess I ascribe it to irresponsibility. That must be why I get upset. With ex-M his ultimate decision to choose that old WRX over something more practical especially for his line of work or even a newer one (he had used to have that same model and year and basically regretted selling it and wanted it again, even boasting to me that the prior owner was facing pressure to sell it from his wife because of their kids…something he criticized about females) was the nail in the coffin for me. It was impractical, and old, meaning more money and work being thrown into it. Manual which is, as I said, terrible for sitting in traffic in this area, and it was a solid signal from him that he was not interested in the least about a future or a family or anything. That’s not meant to be a passenger car. I tried to be supportive as it would be a project for him again…I mean, just because I don’t like something doesn’t mean you have to dislike it too…but the attention, the care, that he gave the vehicle, the non-living hunk of metal, was so lacking in our relationship between people. He cared more for that non-human than he cared for anything that breathed air: me, animals, his patients, his own family. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand for that again after growing up with my dad. Then again, in retrospect, I guess I was attracted to him because he was just like my dad in so many ways. Stupid Freud.

I. Can’t. Stand. Irresponsibility. Immaturity. Which means I’m out of luck because that is apparently the definition of being male.

Then again, it might all be just my own jealousy thrown in there too. Nah. That might be part of it, but that’s not only it. My co-worker really seems to adore her bf and he seems to adore her too, but I’m afraid she just wants too much for things to work. I disagree with some of the things he thinks and believes in. I’ve never talked to him much, but I have some reservations when I see him and send my feelers out. There’s…something. It feels similar to my brother in law. Bah. I need to get over myself. It’s not my life, and I need to stop being so negative about people I don’t know well. It’s just that I care tremendously about what happens to the people I love.

This is exactly why it’s so hard for me to find someone. I’m too complex, too intricate, too…much. Too intense, too many expectations, too stubborn, too…liberal? too thinky. Is there someone out there whose brain is as encompassing as mine? It’s a different way of thinking, broader, intuitive and yet emotional with silly thrown in there for fun. People get offended sometimes and even others don’t understand it. I’m not your common girl. Really. Truly. An emotional robot, if you will. I don’t think I will, because all of those guys are taken. Oh well. Dogs forever!

I think it right that I threw that food away. I swear there’s shrimp in there somewhere. I’m itchy all over now.

Working today

Both WordPress, and me physically going to work, I mean.

Man I don’t want to go in. I stayed up until like 1am because I apparently am all excited about Thanksgiving. I don’t get excited anymore…or maybe I do, but I block it out of my consciousness? Well, the result is that I am super sleepy still. Almost didn’t get up. I hope it doesn’t effect my driving too much. I have tons of kids today too. Guh.

Remember when I kept saying how convinced I was that I had a twin that died before I was born? My mom and I were discussing that again last night. She shed a little more insight on it. She said that she clearly remembered being on the table and that after I was born, the doctor was standing there (he was a small man), and suddenly rushed over and held out his hands to catch a big thing that came out. My mom had always thought it was just the after-birth/placenta, but she remembered that he held his hands about a foot apart and mouth agape. That’s when she went cold from the feet up and they called a code blue because she probably died for a bit. She then recounted that the nurse told her that in the years she worked as a nurse doing that, she had never seen a doctor bring flowers to a mom before. Remember they never told her what happened when she asked, just the nurse there looked at the chart and shook her head sadly before walking away. All the clues point to the same conclusion. Not to mention that mention of a possible second heartbeat at around (as my mom estimates) 3 months. In between 3 and 6 months, is probably when my twin died. And both my mom and I agree that it was a boy. I am absolutely certain it was not another girl. She feels similarly. Maybe that explains why I kept moving around in the womb so much (to get away from zombie sibling?) and why I screamed so earsplittingly loudly as soon as my head was out of the birth canal. I’ve always felt like there was something or someone missing in this world. Just like I like twins because I always felt some sort of a connection to them. My mom said she has to think about whether or not she wants to give a name to my dead brother.