Day: November 12, 2017

Precious Lord…

..take my hand.

Since I have to go to work tomorrow, I finished up early tonight with dinner and everything. That left me time to go work out, but I felt lazy and like I wasted my entire day away on the couch…because I did just that. So, I wandered upstairs to draw in my sketchbook, but ended up getting sidetracked with the piano calling me. I sit down just for one quick song and the music on the stand turned out to be “Panis Angelicus”. Played that a bit and some singing. Then the next one was “Make Me a Channel of Your Peace” and even the next one was “Precious Lord, Take My Hand.”

“Panis Angelicus” is always pretty and fun to sing, but the next and last songs really started getting to me. I’ve always been a lyrics type of person, in that song lyrics mean a lot to me. What’s the point of listening to a song when you don’t listen to the lyrics. The second song, “Make Me a Channel of Your Peace” made me feel guilty. I’ve been going on and on lately about how my life is this and my life is that and what is entitled to me for what I’ve done for others. Except, that’s not the way to do it. That’s not the way to look at things in life. Sure, I’ve done nice things for others, but it’s not about doing it so that good things happen back to me. In fact, I’ve always been about doing things for others without expecting a darn thing in return…so why the two-face all of the sudden? It’s OK to think about every so often, but to dwell on it as much as I have? What benefit am I getting for any of this? That’s the wrong way to do it. All wrong. That’s why I’ve been feeling so awful lately, because I just keep thinking of myself. Everything that I have been complaining about others doing, I’ve been doing them myself. What a hypocrite. There is no true altruism in existence because all creatures are inherently selfish, but that doesn’t mean I should stop trying. That’s how to make this twisted world a better place…for isn’t that what’s really wrong with our culture and the world these days? Personal gain instead of living for others?

What a jerk I’ve been. To myself. To others.

The last song, “Precious Lord, Take My Hand,” has always been a beautiful song to me. The difference today is that I find my soul to be horribly sick. I started singing along to the lyrics I’ve known since I could sing hymns in church, and I couldn’t help but start crying. Not only would this song be completely appropriate for a funeral service, which in my head I could see my dogs, my mom and my grandparents, but it also hit home with tremendous accuracy, what is  making my spirit so painful. I’ve spent so much time trying to control my own life, I’ve forgotten that I don’t have to do it alone. It’s not about the church, it’s about my own relationship with God. So what’s been weighing me down? I guess, just the weight of everything on my shoulders. I’ve neglected my own spiritual health, worrying so much about those of others. I’m trying to tidy everything in the house up, but I should make sure my inner home is clean first.

Geez.

I really need to spend more time just meditating/praying/etc. It’s all the same concept. Away from hurrying, away from the clock, from deadlines, from expectations, from technology. Maybe that’s why I like sleeping so much. My own mind is driving me crazy. What did I used to do back then? My jumbled up brain has always been a problem. Hmm, growing up, I used to run around outside, look at plants and grass and bugs. In college, when I was upset (which I think happened relatively often…probably from frustration with people, relationships, and being in close contact with others) I’d go for a solo walk, or just lay on some isolated green space staring up at the sky and watching birds and stuff. Well, I guess it was always to go to nature, away from people, and just the silence of myself and life. Away from it all. That’s probably why I wanted my house so badly. Green space. Grass. The same thing Liana craves. I can’t do that here. It’s cluttered, there are people, cars, close proximity. I love my family, but I need space. Quiet. Alone time. When someone’s not calling me or anything. And then, when I want back in, I want back in. 

A near empty beach: my idea of the perfect vacation. Others can’t understand it. True, I’ve not been many other places to really compare to, but I have a feeling I’ll have fun but I’d need a vacation from my vacation if it was always go go go.

How to make my head not burst: Do things for others, without thought for my own benefit. Rejuvenate my spirit. Try to find alone time, just with me and my thoughts. I guess I have a plan now.

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