Month: November 2017

I don’t fit in my clothes

And it’s perplexing!

OK, so I did gain a few pounds in the last 6 months, but after some hardcore yardwork and random exercise sessions, I can actually squat and it’s not hard to bend over and then stand up anymore. However, in the last month to month and a half, my scrubs no longer fit well…in particular around the thigh area. In the last few months, I even had to increase my bra size around the torso, not the cup. You’re thinking, honey, you just need to lose a few pounds. Earlier in the year, I was raving about having lost enough weight to fit comfortably in my scrubs. While I agree that I do need to shed some overall fat layers, I argue that I’m not really that fat. Yes, there’s a paunch that definitely could stand to melt away, but if you poke my back and my thighs, they’re hard. I understand that fat can exist on top of muscle, but I’m convinced that much of my puffiness is muscle. My shoulders and arms are filling out my t-shirts again and I feel an overall sense of strength. If you poke my hips, you don’t go through a layer fat to hit bone (at the thinnest point, mind you), it’s right there. I’ve been asking around other, older women, to see if they went through this size change. I had to go out and buy a new jacket/coat because my old, trusty one I just got last year keeps riding up because it won’t fit around my hips. My scrub pants are having the same problem as well as my scrub tops. It’s TIGHT, to the point where I’m terrified I’m going to bust out of them in the middle of the day and have to bring a spare pair of pants just in case. Getting in and out of the car makes me feel like I’m made of wood and can’t bend. The pant legs fit around my calves and hips alright, it’s just getting stuck around my thighs. How is this all happening so suddenly? An age thing?

Or maybe I’m just fat and in denial like fat people generally are. On the plus side (haaaaa) I’ve noticed the male population taking more time to smile at me and being nice, and no one (not even one instance) who sees me walking around has confused me for a man. It’s true that a more curvy (read: fertile and childbearing-equipped) body is highly and evolutionarily attractive to males .

Well, whatever, it doesn’t change the fact that I need to buy new scrub pants and even my jeans/home pants. No more money spending guhhh. I need to save for Christmas presents (running out of time there) and my car service in the new year (I actually should do it now, but I’m trying to push it out as far as possible). A new battery is already required now. Just Dance and DDR need to be a thing now…just I kind of gave up again until the new year. hahahaha.

I spent about 3K this weekend. GOOD STUFF. Because I HAVE THAT MUCH MONEY WUT. Says my heart. My brain says, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

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Waiting

Sitting here, waiting for my 15-20 minutes to be up for the whitening. I really wouldn’t recommend this system to anyone. It’s pretty awful, especially when the Crest Whitestrips are much easier and much more effective. Then again, I am using a box that is at least 3 years old, so I’d bet (hope, really) that the new trays are of better quality. After a quick search of their uninformative site, it appears that the tray technology is better, but I have no certainty. No matter what, it definitely is true whitening agent because despite being expired, it makes my teeth throb like unexpired ones. Guh.

Welp. Tomorrow is back to work. My break is over for now. Nagging in the back of my mind, is the whole insurance thing (gonna give it a few days), and money in general. We got our first real tree today! It’s a small, tabletop one, but our first, EVER, real tree! I’m a little excited. I never wanted one because of allergies and how it’s such a waste after the holiday, but because I’ve been downsizing and consolidating and purging  excess belongings and materials, it’s nice to not have to worry about where I’m going to store it. Plus, it smells nice. We shall see.

The whole purging idea is really nice and it feels good. Thinking about it, I’m a little sad getting older and not wanting stuff anymore. It is depressing to me a smidge that this year I find that I really don’t want anything. In fact, I almost don’t want to buy anyone anything either since no one actually needs anything. While the thought process is a good one, it makes me feel negatively because I can’t make myself get into the holiday mood. I am always in the holiday mood, every year. Thanksgiving was hard enough. I wonder…is it…? Sigh. I bet it is. There’s something missing, something sad for me. Gotta try and shake it off, though. Everyone else seems to be really into the Christmas spirit this year! In my neighborhood, I mean. Last year, pretty much no one put up lights or anything, but golly, gee, lights are up everywhere! Already! Trees in windows! Decorations! It puts a smile on my face to see people into it this early in, even if I can’t get my act together.

…I guess I have been pretty negative lately. I can’t help it. This time of the year reminds me of him, especially now, because this time 2 years ago we were madly in love with each other and I was the happiest I’ve ever been in my life–people-relationship-wise. I have no one to buy things for anymore and buying myself things isn’t making me as happy as it used to.

Time to spit this thing out and get to bed!

Grrrraaaahhh

I just finished health insurance shopping and how horribly frustrating! Not many health insurance companies are offering individual anymore and the ones that are force you to go through an agent company. I already miss my Aetna plan. What a great insurance. Gave me money all the time. Worst part? I don’t even know if the money I paid even work.

omgggg it’s 4pm??? I spent the last 3 hours doing this. WTF. And stupid medical offices are all going direct primary care which makes all of this even more frustrating because why pay for mandatory health insurance when I already have to pay 1200 dollars a year extra for a physical exam that nothing will be found on me.

This weekend has been ridiculously productive though. I’ve been off since Thanksgiving, so about 5 days off? It’s flown by. Thanksgiving itself was pretty nice, nothing super amazing, but the first Thanksgiving for my nephew. Then I had a myriad of errands and chores I needed to do and have been meaning to do. Replaced the rug, cleaned out my closets, consolidated belongings, set up the photography unit, finished up the yardwork project, planted bulbs, moved the extra bed to the basement, consolidated the basement. Body aches and pains later, I feel good. Health insurance addressed. The only things I didn’t get around to was raking (forgot to do it this morning after the dog walk) and taking the pictures for the Christmas cards this year.

Money? What money? With the insurances, and other purchases, I got nothing. And those aren’t even Christmas presents! Bought a new washer and dryer for Black Friday. I am POOR again.

In other news, the sister situation is good! They’re closing on a house on Wed. Whoo! Unfortunately, though, it means that I need to pay for those utilities again. Another 200 bucks, but still, that’s $200.

I’m tired now.

I’m all alone, there’s no one here beside me

…literally.

I am home…alone! No dogs either, just me. The people, I’m not concerned about, but the dogs…if I didn’t have the dog beds and dog toys lying around, I’d be okay, but empty dog beds are very depressing. I miss their furry little bodies there. Especially Gable. So what did I do? Flop on the couch. Turn on the TV. Pick up the phone. Forced myself off the couch in search of foods which I’d already planned and bought at work. Heated it up, ate a little and then threw it all away because DAMN it smelled like seafood. Guh. Waste of money. Instead, I ate Green Giant niblet corn, rainbow sherbet, and deli meat. Woohoo! More phone excitement while trying to stay awake, some messenger conversation, made myself stay up until 9:30, checked all the door, inserted the 3 set of whitening trays and here I am. This house is pretty big for one person. I could do it though.

Realllllllyyyy glad I refused to drive down tonight, because driving home from work was bad enough…and I even left early. I kept nodding off and had to break out the chocolate in a valiant effort to keep myself awake. That and getting mad at people…it works, you know? A moderate mad, like frustration and focus. Even then I couldn’t keep it up…geez. Lack of sleep really does that. I’ll sleep after this and then get up early tomorrow to go down in an effort to beat all the traffic. Dunno what I’m gonna do down there while everyone sleeps, but there you go. Another reason I don’t want to be down there.

My coworker was telling me how her boyfriend was getting a new car again. He leases cars so he keeps getting new ones as the leases are up, but he’s always choosing cars that I, myself, find annoying. Normally, I could care less because why should I? It has no bearing on me. The car he has now is a BMW something or another. Now he has a WRX. And for whatever reason he’s always insisting my coworker drive them. BMW and WRX are completely different cars. He also insists on manual, which for someone like him who works from home is fine, but around here a manual car is just ridiculous. Bottom line is that when she told me about it, the news made me irrationally angry and annoyed. I think she noticed. Why? A couple reasons: one, I’m PMSing which means everything makes me overreact. Two, I hate unsettled people and on top of unsettled people, I hate impractical people. To me, especially, in a mate (in this case, my co-worker who wants to spend her life with this guy), someone like this who likes thrill things like new cars, fast cars, expensive things for cars, always changing up cars, is not settle-down material. Rational thinking tells me that whatever, he doesn’t even have to pay for a house right now, so he’s entitled to enjoying his money, but my brain (the same one that gets and has gotten me in trouble relationship-wise) says red alert, flag time. Third, this is the exact same problem I had with ex. Why in the world I keep looking for hidden messages in people’s actions based around cars, but why the HELL do these men (even my brother) care so much about these stupid cars. I know a bit about cars myself, but after thinking about things in the way I do, they are, in the end, a mode of transport. Why people place such importance on them is beyond me, whether it be status, or performance. I mean, status? Performance? Pfft. I’d rather spend it one something else than worry about scuffs on my super expensive car that I don’t ever and will never be able to use to the fullest extent of its performance power because that would be driving-with-intent-to-kill. Why? Because they have nothing else to worry about. Not my brother, not my co-worker’s boyfriend, and not my ex (at least of what I knew of him). None of them own a house or have much other responsibility.

I guess I ascribe it to irresponsibility. That must be why I get upset. With ex-M his ultimate decision to choose that old WRX over something more practical especially for his line of work or even a newer one (he had used to have that same model and year and basically regretted selling it and wanted it again, even boasting to me that the prior owner was facing pressure to sell it from his wife because of their kids…something he criticized about females) was the nail in the coffin for me. It was impractical, and old, meaning more money and work being thrown into it. Manual which is, as I said, terrible for sitting in traffic in this area, and it was a solid signal from him that he was not interested in the least about a future or a family or anything. That’s not meant to be a passenger car. I tried to be supportive as it would be a project for him again…I mean, just because I don’t like something doesn’t mean you have to dislike it too…but the attention, the care, that he gave the vehicle, the non-living hunk of metal, was so lacking in our relationship between people. He cared more for that non-human than he cared for anything that breathed air: me, animals, his patients, his own family. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand for that again after growing up with my dad. Then again, in retrospect, I guess I was attracted to him because he was just like my dad in so many ways. Stupid Freud.

I. Can’t. Stand. Irresponsibility. Immaturity. Which means I’m out of luck because that is apparently the definition of being male.

Then again, it might all be just my own jealousy thrown in there too. Nah. That might be part of it, but that’s not only it. My co-worker really seems to adore her bf and he seems to adore her too, but I’m afraid she just wants too much for things to work. I disagree with some of the things he thinks and believes in. I’ve never talked to him much, but I have some reservations when I see him and send my feelers out. There’s…something. It feels similar to my brother in law. Bah. I need to get over myself. It’s not my life, and I need to stop being so negative about people I don’t know well. It’s just that I care tremendously about what happens to the people I love.

This is exactly why it’s so hard for me to find someone. I’m too complex, too intricate, too…much. Too intense, too many expectations, too stubborn, too…liberal? too thinky. Is there someone out there whose brain is as encompassing as mine? It’s a different way of thinking, broader, intuitive and yet emotional with silly thrown in there for fun. People get offended sometimes and even others don’t understand it. I’m not your common girl. Really. Truly. An emotional robot, if you will. I don’t think I will, because all of those guys are taken. Oh well. Dogs forever!

I think it right that I threw that food away. I swear there’s shrimp in there somewhere. I’m itchy all over now.

Working today

Both WordPress, and me physically going to work, I mean.

Man I don’t want to go in. I stayed up until like 1am because I apparently am all excited about Thanksgiving. I don’t get excited anymore…or maybe I do, but I block it out of my consciousness? Well, the result is that I am super sleepy still. Almost didn’t get up. I hope it doesn’t effect my driving too much. I have tons of kids today too. Guh.

Remember when I kept saying how convinced I was that I had a twin that died before I was born? My mom and I were discussing that again last night. She shed a little more insight on it. She said that she clearly remembered being on the table and that after I was born, the doctor was standing there (he was a small man), and suddenly rushed over and held out his hands to catch a big thing that came out. My mom had always thought it was just the after-birth/placenta, but she remembered that he held his hands about a foot apart and mouth agape. That’s when she went cold from the feet up and they called a code blue because she probably died for a bit. She then recounted that the nurse told her that in the years she worked as a nurse doing that, she had never seen a doctor bring flowers to a mom before. Remember they never told her what happened when she asked, just the nurse there looked at the chart and shook her head sadly before walking away. All the clues point to the same conclusion. Not to mention that mention of a possible second heartbeat at around (as my mom estimates) 3 months. In between 3 and 6 months, is probably when my twin died. And both my mom and I agree that it was a boy. I am absolutely certain it was not another girl. She feels similarly. Maybe that explains why I kept moving around in the womb so much (to get away from zombie sibling?) and why I screamed so earsplittingly loudly as soon as my head was out of the birth canal. I’ve always felt like there was something or someone missing in this world. Just like I like twins because I always felt some sort of a connection to them. My mom said she has to think about whether or not she wants to give a name to my dead brother.

A song to recognize

About 6 months ago around this time, I broke up with my boyfriend. In many ways I can’t believe it has only been 6 months and yet in others it felt like it was ages ago. There is still pain, regret, sadness and a little resentment thrown in there. Okay, so maybe more than just a little. No matter what, there’s no taking it back and in truth, I’m glad for the whole experience. The nostalgia is real and wound, while healed is a sensitive scar. I think of him less often than before, but I can’t help but be reminded of him in day to day life: the sound of sirens, walking through my home, taking my dogs around the neighborhood, etc. Just yesterday I became overly emotional while on the couch by myself and a commercial came one where if he’d been there he would have made fun of it in such a way and I would laugh and hug him. I miss those magical arms of his and wrapping mine around his body. I remembered that this time last year, I stayed overnight at his place.

I doubt he thinks of me and if he does it’s probably with spite and horrible resentment. I do hope things are going well for him and he found someone else who has the patience he needs.

Anyways. In honor of our 6-month breakup, I dedicate this song to him. It perfectly sums up my feelings at the very end of our relationship.

You Don’t See Me

(as seen in “Josie and the Pussycats”)

This is the place where I sit
This is the part where
I love you too much
Is this as hard as it gets?
‘Cause I’m getting tired
Of pretending I’m tough
I’m here if you want me
I’m yours, you can hold me
I’m empty and aching and
Tumbling and breakin’
‘Cause you don’t see me
And you don’t need me
And you don’t love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could

I dream of worlds
Where you’d understand
And I dream a
Million sleepless nights
I dream of fire when
You’re touching my hand
But it twists into smoke
When I turn on the light
I’m speechless and faded
It’s too complicated
Is this how the book ends,
Nothing but good friends?

‘Cause you don’t see me
And you don’t need me
And you don’t love me
The way I wish you would

This is the place in my heart
This is the place where
I’m falling apart
Isn’t this just where we met?
And is this the last chance
That I’ll ever get?
I wish I was lonely
Instead of just only
Crystal and see-through
And not enough to you

‘Cause you don’t see me
And you don’t need me
And you don’t love me
The way I wish you would

‘Cause you don’t see me
And you don’t need me
And you don’t love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could