Day: October 24, 2017

Huh

After that horribly depressing post this morning, my day wasn’t much better. It wasn’t terrible either. Crazy amount of traffic going to work. Just people. Lots of people, out and about doing nothing important and getting in my way of getting to work. My work day was a headache of You-Know-Who’s nonstop track blaring in my ears and everyone else’s. It’s only my first day of the workweek, but I feel like I’ve been working all week already. Commute home was normal traffic jam.

Got my Jet.com packages today, but of course, the one item I really wanted isn’t supposed to come until Monday. Bluh.

My uncle accused me of being anti-establishment, and know you know what? He’s totally right. I’ve always rooted for the underdog, no matter what, and the instant something gets too popular, I no longer want it. That’s why I was bummed that after I bought my Outback, suddenly everyone wanted the same car. Meh. It’s a weird way of doing things, but it’s how I am. Support the small businesses as the large ones start taking over the world. Apple? Samsung? Amazon? While I still shop on Amazon, I’m trying to shop from other businesses. It’s not so much that’s I dislike mainstream stuff (if it’s a legitimately good product and business model, then hey, I’m not going to deny that) as I don’t like when people get full of themselves and forget why they exist to begin with. Companies are out to get money, of course, I understand that, it’s a business, but most companies start out to deliver a service to consumers, so they’re always for the people and their workers. When a company gets too big to remember that, then I’m done with them.

How come I’m the only one who has toilet paper issues?

I just posted on RW for the first time in months and dang I hadn’t realized how many hits I’d been getting. Almost 200,000 hits! Wow. For a nobody webpage, I was blown away. I swear the last time I looked it was at like 80,000.

The dogs are acting up again. Why is it so hard to feed these darn dogs? It’s been a struggle since the day I got both of them. I love everything else about them, but the stress of feeding them is ridiculous.

As a sign of the times, or maybe my confidence now, my short hair doesn’t affect people like it used to. Having had super short hair for almost 10 years now, I’ve been through my share of experiences. More and more I see it in advertising, so it’s less of a surprise, though I still get comments and stares and avoidance reactions. I really don’t care. It’s my hair, not yours. Everyone always asks me (just like with food!) if I’ve ever tried long hair before as if the only reason I have short hair is because I’ve never had the long kind. *eye roll* Yes. Yes I had it for 5 years. I hated every moment of it and virtually never wore it down, always up. The social acceptance was nice, the blending into crowds could be nice, the attention of the male population was possibly nice if I had cared, but I hated it.

It’s nice to see my mom interested and doing a hobby she is good at and loves. Even if I was supposed to be the one to do it, I’m really glad to be able to give her the opportunity to do this and not mush her brain on the couch with her tablets. There’s an awesomeness to crafts and sewing you just can’t match with anything else. I thought I might try and redo/rework the Samus costume I was making. Wasn’t happy with it at all, that’s why I stopped.

Soo sleepy. I’ve been so unmotivated by life lately…most likely the reason my everything went to hell in a handbasket. Nothing matters. Still just waiting. Always waiting for people to move their asses. It’s been hard not to spread the negativity. Disillusioned. I start something exciting and then I just stop caring. Is that depression?

At least the human body has good memory. My workouts have been frustrating again with the lack of muscle tone and cardiovascular endurance, but gotta get past that hurdle. I already feel better after 2 days of trying to break through that wall.

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I am so FAT

I can’t believe how much weight I’ve gained since…well…my breakup. I guess I no longer have any reason to be fit anymore, so I just let it all go. Tack on to it all the other stresses and there you go. This year hasn’t exactly been kind to me. While looking back on beach pictures, I swear I can pinpoint the exact day that I felt it was the point it all started becoming very noticeable. Blame can be placed on many different factors: my dogs are old and suffering various ailments so I don’t and can’t walk as far as I used to, I stopped going to my house altogether because it’s super awkward and she makes me frustrated meaning I didn’t get to heat-stroke myself doing yardwork nearly as much as in the past, my own age catching up to me and the one I keep blaming the most: my grand-aunt basically making me the group trashcan at the beach.

Bottom line, is that ALL of my clothes are tight, even my scrubs now, when I walk, my stomach and flab jiggle with every step, and I’m starting to get that neck-fat and stomach crease line. It terrified me when a shirt that has been fit and even loose on me suddenly wasn’t, so on Sunday night I ran downstairs to do an actual workout–something I’ve been horribly neglecting.  I’ve got to stay focused now. How very scary to know that in just a mere 6 months I’ve reverted back to Old-Rag-Fiasco status. Stress or not, I should never have let myself fall into that pattern. It takes one cookie, one bag of Cheese Doodles, to turn into 4 trays of cookies and a whole bag of beef jerky in one sitting.

Where is my focus, my self-control? Gone. As I self-indulge in my internal loneliness and depression. That’s got to be what it is. There’s a masked self-loathing in me, that I’ve got to be doing something wrong, that I’m such a horrible person. Why else would all these bad things happen? All my relationships dissolving around me. My goal hasn’t changed at all. I still want to make happy for the people I love. I still aim for my peace and happiness goal. Where is it? My co-worker is on a big trip to Taiwan and Japan. For the new year she’ll be gone on another 2 week trip. She said to me before she left that I need to go somewhere new and exciting, where I’ve never been (I’d been complaining that I no longer feel excitement like I used to when I was little. It’s just not there). Hah. Where? With whom? How? I have the world’s most needy dog whose heart would just break if I did (the other one is ok). I have no one to go with. I have my family, but man, wouldn’t it be nice to just go somewhere without them?

I was just reflecting the other day about how unfair my relationship had been (it just pops into my head sometimes, especially when I’m auto-botting my brain) and how I always knew it was never going to work. Anytime I’d bring up anything regarding the future or us, he’d get so angry and unpredictable. I remember talking to him about money because he literally just kept his money in a savings account with poor interest. Considering my dad works at a bank and my uncle is a financial advisor, I think I have decent knowledge about investing and stuff. He got so offended at me for even suggesting he put anything in even a money market account to at least get some interest. Very unreasonable. Then whenever I hinted at maybe taking a weekend trip with him somewhere, he’d say later, later after this and that. Obviously, it never happened. Heck, even local trips were like pulling teeth: if he had to work around his work schedule (not like I forced him to do anything like that, mind you, and he only worked like 3 days a week, not to mention it’s not hard for me to ask off of work too. I’d gladly have worked around his schedule) he’d let me know it the whole time we went. Like, look, I’m doing this thing for you, you’d better be grateful. Just coming to see me on a weekend where he literally didn’t want to do anything besides sit there and watch TV (didn’t have access to TV in the basement at his place) he acted like it was such a burden and that he took precious time to be with me. God forbid I mention marriage, or any sort of future flung planning. Then the dukes come up and I learned pretty quick to just not mention anything of the sort. If he brought up a topic, I’d expound on it, discuss it and general people talking stuff, then he’d tell me to shut up or he doesn’t want a discussion, he just wanted to say things. Holy freak. Looking back on it now, that seemed abusive. He was always so selfish. There were a few instances where he did think about me, but those were few and far between.

Now you know why I keep wishing someone would start taking care of me for once. I’m so sick and tired of one-sided relationships where I’m the loser and trying to keep everyone else afloat and smiling through it all. When you weigh out the benefits and detriments, it’s been me on the high end, suspended in the air, unable to get back to earth and held there by my shoulder burden relationships. This is why I’ve always trusted only me. Because I can’t rely on other people.

Then again, all I ever wanted to was to see people smile and be happy. And for me to be able to eat my cookies.

How depressing. Like the sky today.