So. Guess who finally got back to me about my email? Only about 3 weeks later. On her own birthday. And just as I had anticipated, it was just as scathing and rollercoastery as I thought it would be, as well as somewhat mirroring my own basic email outline.
As I keep telling everyone, you have to understand my sister. People keep giving me advice on what to do, how to approach things, from the beginning, middle and currently. That’s great, but it only works if the other person is overly reasonable and objective. In this case, it’s not. She’s easily offended and becomes defensive almost instantly, lashing out and making a general fuss before switching emotions altogether. I only know because 1) I grew up with her and 2) duh, she’s related to me. I’ve spent much of my life trying to rein in and control my tendency toward those Dark Blood outbursts. In my opinion I’ve succeeded over the years, for the most part, in keeping things rather neutral at least initially and in in person, waiting to vent later. It’s very helpful when dealing with overly emotional patients as it is my job after all to deal with fearful, anxious persons day in a day out, all with various manifestations of the same emotion. Not to mention my failed relationship was rife with it. The best way, I’ve found in dealing with it all is to try and remain as objective as possible. Thanks to dating my ex, I’ve had some good training on how to approach a relationship argument, the choice of words, mindset, etc to keep it from blowing out of proportion as possible. In dealing with patients, it’s the exact same. Depending on my mood I may let some emotion in, but it’s all measured to the right amount as to jostle but not tip the bucket. There are nice things to say, then there are inciting things to say. The hardest part, of course, is to brush aside the pride, consider their side of it, agree with what should be agreed with, then get my own point across. By lowering yourself, you’ll be able to convince the other relax their shield arm.
Ironically, being a neutral 3rd party can be even more inciting than being emotional. Why does that infuriate people? You know what my siblings used to tell me when I was little? They said I had no logic and no common sense. I was purely booksmart and that was it. I dunno, I think I’m pretty reasonable. I’ll listen to you. I’ll think about your side of it. Then I’ll make a decision.
She accused me of many things, but what got me, was that she said I know nothing about her. Hah. You’d be surprised, sister. I know lots about you, but you know what’s more than knowing? Action. You can be all sorts of things, know all sorts of things, have all sorts of awards and accolades. What speaks higher than all of that combined, is action. You know something? Great. Prove it me. Utilize it.
It’s absolutely amazing the stuff that was in that email. So amazing, in fact, that I spent the next hour yelling about it to anyone in the house who would listen. Un-freaking believable.
Then again, I got exactly what I expected. It’s not uncommon especially in this day and age. People can’t have healthy conversation when every social media post or even newscast is about inciting emotional outrage.
Now that I’ve calmed down a bit to be able to dissect it all, it’s interesting how many of the wrong things she employed when it comes to argument/discussion. I hope she doesn’t use that on her husband. That’s how you create rifts. Like the one between us right now. Though, honestly, I don’t actually feel much emotion about it all at this very point in time. I was busy being furious earlier, but once it’s done, it’s gone now. Now I still have that throbbing resentment that’s been in me all this time, but that’s about it. Almost robotic. If she wants to stay in that Dark Blood pool of not-letting-things-go, then more power to her, but I’m not like that anymore. I try very hard not to let it get me down any longer. I may feel one way about a person, as survival would have it, but I do try and see redeeming factors in people. It’s just those like Idiot at work who make it almost impossible to think nicely about a person, but you know, if she has a good point, I’m not about to refute it just because I dislike her. If she has a point, she has a point. Doesn’t make me like her more.
That’s one thing I like to think I made an impact on my ex with: not devolving into emotional breakdown and pointless screaming matches. Especially when everyone’s egos are at stake (cue the eyeroll). It was like that at first, passionate arguments, but eventually it became very understanding on both sides, as we tried to work things through. Obviously it didn’t work, but at least we didn’t have full on rage matches. And when I told him it was over for good, I didn’t want to leave it petty and stupid, so I wished him a happy and peaceful life. It wasn’t sarcastic, it was true and heartfelt. If he took it as sarcastic, then I feel bad for him because then it is indeed true that he knew nothing about me at all.
My mom is taking it all rather hard, though. She thinks it’s all her fault. It’s not. My sister should be more cognizant of people other than herself. I don’t know if that will ever change, given that it’s the major downfall of my dad. That and being able to set aside that ego to see the truth. Maybe it will now that she has to think about her son. Not to say that my ego is tiny, haaa because it’s like a hot air balloon. But I try hard to swallow it and at least consider other people’s feelings. In the end, though, who’s losing the most here and who’s gaining the most? Think about it.