Sleepy

But I’m waiting for my whitestrips to finish.

Every night when I’m lying here, and really, every day, I hear fire trucks on their way to calls. It always reminds me of the time about a year ago that just hearing the siren of a fire engine, not a police siren nor an ambulance siren, elicited from me a deep sorrow and grief, moving me almost instantly to tears. At the time, I didn’t understand why it happened all of the sudden, just that it did and it started in the pit of my stomach. I mentioned it to my ex and told him that I hoped that  nothing would ever happen to him to make me feel that way. I didn’t say it then, but the thought crossed my mind that it wasn’t so much that something would happen to him as happen to us. To me. I’d pushed it from my mind, but it was always there nagging at me. Call it a premonition or a glimpse into the future. A foreshadowing of events to come. Then again, I always knew what would happen to us, I just…played my part, hoping that it wouldn’t be. Always the pawn, always the puppet. Interestingly now the sound has no lasting effect on me. I no longer feel a deep sorrow at the sound. It makes me a little sad and brings back some memories, but aside from that, it affects me pretty much like it always has in the past.

Sometimes my “future sight” scares me. Sometimes it’s just a plain nuisance. I don’t think I can see the future so much as I can make a very good educated guess from the surrounding events and circumstances. I’m usually right too. However, a part of me suspects a possible inexplicable hand in all of this. I won’t divulge because people always think I’m crazy when I do. I tend to know what will happen, but I go with it anyways…hoping…always hoping…that maybe, just maybe it won’t turn out like that. What’s the point of knowing what will happen if you can’t do anything to stop it? Little things are insignificant and can be avoided, but the major events are never able to be avoided by me long. Sometimes, my impatience gets the better of me and I make it happen before – at least I think – than it’s supposed to which makes for some serious stress on all sides, but it doesn’t matter because it changes nothing about the outcome. Then there are times when no matter how I know what will happen, I’m still surprised by it because it’s sudden.

Going back to the firefighter thing, it really bugs me now when people mention what heroes firemen are. While, yes, running into a burning and collapsing building, risking your life for the sake of others while everyone else runs away demands a ridiculous amount of respect, I don’t think it’s much more significant than police work or military work or teachers or even surgeons (though one can argue that their pay is several leagues higher than any public servant). Call me biased, but I think their work pales in comparison to police business. Most likely it’s because I have insight now into their lives. That one probationary fireman jaded all firefighters for me forever. He clued me into how sexist all fire departments are, filled with macho, pig-headed men who make and have chauvinistic comments, views and actions. Also, they have very poor diets for people who always need to be in shape. How poorly female firefighters are treated. He was telling me stories once and he was ranting about how dumb drivers are (and we all know this, so I agree, really). Per as usual, I try to temper out the rant by saying that people freeze when they’re afraid and there are elderly, autistic, etc drivers out there. I’m thinking of my grandparents, my mom with her vision problem, and countless patients that I’m like, omg they DROVE here??? for various reasons. Not to mention the bad traffic around here. The point is, I just wanted to remind him that people are people. He gets upset and says he doesn’t care if they’re disabled, old, autistic or nothing. When the fire engine has it’s siren on you need to get out of the way. While he is right, the way he said it really rubbed me the wrong way and I hope that’s not how other firefighters think. I always had this picture in my head that all first responders were cool, calm, collected and considerate of others, since their goal after all is the rescue and preservation of life. Instead all I could see from his stories and insight, were stressed out men wasting their time with repeat offenders and obnoxious crap. It was disheartening to them and to me. And on top of it all, when did the life of one person become more important than the lives of the rest of the population? You save one, but jeopardize the lives of countless others as you race to the hospital for this one person?

I dunno. I am so jaded about it all now. The firefighter career is, for me, forever ruined. It’s not worth the stress and lack of time, and the politics. Maybe a fireman with a better mindset, more optimism, better ability to think, more humble. They all seem so righteous. I understand that the pressure is high and the subject matter is psychologically tough. Why make it harder on the people than it has to be? The mind games and the bullying…you’re supposed to be a team. Buh. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

I think I left them on too long. My teeth are pounding.

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