Month: September 2017

Can’t. Wake. Up.

So sleepy…………….zzzzzzzzzzzz

 

When is DST ending?

It feels like it should be soon because these days I’m so sleepy when I wake up. My body and mind are up and down with the sun, like I was made to live on a farm. If the sun is rising, I’m up and awake. If the sun is down or dark, I’m sleepy and ready to dream. Makes for a dangerous drive at night. I can night drive if I’m somewhere in town with lots of lights, but if I hit any stretch of darkness, the eyes just start closing on their own.

According to some research, DST ends November 5th this year. Ugh. Another month. I got confused at first because the internet pulled up Australia and not the US and they were saying their DST starts in November and ends in April. I’m like, wait, what? I thought it was the other way around?

Liana is a tough case…she is clearly in distress when she gets her muscle spasms, but other than the spasm, the seemingly pins and needles, the agitation whatever it is causes her (she’s been chewing and tearing things up), she’s perfectly fine. She walks fine; she’s a little stiff in the mornings but contrary to her neck slipped disc last time, the discomfort seems to get better the more she moves as opposed to worse. She doesn’t like to stand for too long, but she runs and sprints around the house no problem. She moves up and down stairs like she always has. She’s been playing with Gable. Her neck is not the issue here. No pain screams, but discomfort in the hack half of the her body. I’m completely confused and it throws my initial thought of it being a nerve thing into disarray because it’s not always acting like one. At this point I’m not sure if it’s spine or something internal. Her appetite is normal…actually, better than it used to be. She wants to EAT. Possibly that is more concerning than her physical symptoms. Like I said, I don’t know if it’s spine, internal, or both. Sometimes I swear it’s neuropathy, and others I think it’s her organs or muscles.

As much financial struggling as I have going on right now, I can’t get around that need to get her to the vet…needed to have gone on Monday. I think I’ll call them when I get home tonight and schedule for Monday. …I don’t want bad news, but I don’t want to make something treatable worse. I guess I’ll just be in debt and watch my credit keep drowning.

I don’t know how I’m going to finish doing the yardwork at the other house. It just occurred to me that I have never been there without a dog with me. Honestly, I wouldn’t ever want to. What a hollow feeling that would be.

This is when one makes the argument against having pets. If I didn’t have them, I I’d be that much richer. If I didn’t have them, I’d be traveling. If I didn’t have them, the house would be so much bigger. Then again, if I didn’t have them, I’d have not bought my car, my house, went on all those trails, had all those laughs, learned to love, learned to care, learned patience, learned what really matters in life. My heart would still be stone. Also I probably would have had an aneurysm by now or a stroke.

I feel a poem coming on. Haha.

 

So. Itchy.

Mosquitoes. Hell is probably full of them. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHH

I’ve hit my limit this year it seems because the ones I have now are getting big. Big and super super itchy.

They’re all over the house too. I killed 2 yesterday. One was flying around my new foam samurai helmet and I noticed that it kept trying to aim for the gold sections. They say that mosquitoes are drawn to dark clothing but that particular one seemed to enjoy the color gold…MY COLOR OF SKIN.

Liana Update

It almost seems worse today, especially this morning. I remember why I didn’t want to finish the Gabapentin like the vet strongly recommended I do with her neck: it makes her eyes crazy and instead of sleeping (it’s supposed to be a sedative) she wanders around all night/day instead, unable to relax, pacing. When I stopped giving it to her (didn’t make sense because of how it’s supposed to work) she seemed to relax better.

I dreamed about her pain. I got up in the middle of the night because I heard a dog walking around and went to find her. I think she was in pain? It’s weird because half of the time she seems extremely healthy, and even seemingly TOO energetic (sprinting around, galloping, running up and down stairs, stretching, excited for walks, being VERY strong on the walks, very strong appetite), while the other half sees her sensitive when I touch the part of her back, tired, nervous, seemingly scared, uninterested in people moving around, easily tired on walks. She didn’t budge when my sister left yesterday, just lay there sleeping, but when it was food time she was strangely overstimulated and once again finished every last bite.

This morning on the walk she was unsteady (I had to catch and support her because her back leg wasn’t having it), tried hard to keep up with us, but at the same time had the enthusiasm of 10 dogs, kicking and galloping and just working around the bum leg. I had to ask her to slow down and she was adamant about smelling things. Such a strong dog when she wants to be. I was sad the entire walk, thinking about losing my girl (again), but obviously her will to live is still strong for the moment, and until she’s ready, I won’t do anything. As much as I have the prior experience to pull on, this one seems different…more confusing. While initially she was having issues putting weight on it and making the leg work, it almost seemed that the more we walked, the better it got. The medicine doesn’t seem to be working the same way either.

I’ve been toying with making a vet appointment tomorrow but I know how much it will cost because they’ll want another xray and my credit card debt has only grown, not shrunk. I’m struggling. Plus…if they tell me again that I need to get an MRI, I’ll just have to say that I literally can not afford the MRI not to mention any surgery they recommend. As my patient and I discussed, while it’s true they are like family, she’s still a dog, a pet. In  that way, I don’t want to know the truth because what am I to do about it, besides grieve? Then again, waiting until she’s in severe pain seems irresponsible.

I cut the walk short for her and decided to take Gable out by himself so that he could get the amount of exercise necessary for him and to not exacerbate her condition. Apparently that was a mistake. Not only was Gable not all that excited about going walking on his own (never say no, though), he seemed to want to go back home, like he sensed something (going faster and leading me directly home). When we walked in the door Liana was there with a terrified and relieved look on her face, breathing very very hard like she had been panicking and scared the whole time. Great decision making, mom.

Now they’re both lying in my room (after a slight quarrel because Gable likes to sprawl and not share his bed) both adorable. She’s breathing heavily, but I’m glad to have her in here with me.

Liana Pain Again

My heart dies a little more whenever something like this happens. I came home yesterday and she was acting strangely: super excited even after the walk (a little bit longer than usual but not too far, and she was very tired), kept coming up to me and trying to be really close, doing a weird thing where she was “scratching” her belly with her back leg while standing up. I went to see if maybe there was a tick or something she stepped on, but nothing. She was nervous and tried to rip a box, then when I was eating strudels, she wanted to eat it and came to lick the container when I was done with it and still holding it. She never does that. We left to get some tomatoes, then when I came home I thought they were really hungry because she acted that way, so I fed them early as I was preparing our food. She literally ran in and pranced and jumped, so excited for her food and ate it in record time, finishing every bite. Then she went out to lay down again and my brother tells me she does something weird when you touch her back. This morning I notice she’s walking extremely slowly outside, but trying hard to keep up when I look at her, just like it was before the unbearable pain last time. When I run my hand along her back, she kicks her leg when I get to a certain point (this time the lumbar region) like it hurts. She’s a toughie, too, so this time I’m going to listen…it’s good I decided to keep some medication around despite what the vet told me last time.

We were supposed to go south to take advantage of the weather and my mom’s rare Saturday off, but after much deliberation, we decided not to. I mean, if this is truly the last time she’d be able to make it back down there like she loves, will I regret the decision? She can still walk and jog and stuff, she just hasn’t started screaming in pain yet. However, why make it worse? I know when she goes down there, she’s going to want to run which will exacerbate it. I know what’s happening now, let’s nip it in the bud.

That ball of fear in my stomach. That sinking feeling. I felt a strong grief and sadness last night as my mind decided, unbidden, to revisit my past sorrows. I did ask them to wait until after our beach trip to get sick and do whatever. They’d kept their end of the bargain. Her birthday is less than a month away.

Gable is worried, but is now upset that we’re not going anywhere and he’s stuck again in the house.

Friday again

Woke up with the song Paradise by Love & The Outcome in my head

Catch your breath and close your eyes,
You and me forever after,
Lets let our plans and dreams collide,
We are a beautiful disaster. (Yeah.)
Never thought life could be this way,
Even thought we change our love will stay,
Stronger then the storm in me every day,
Cuz even when it bad its good.
Me with you
In our own paradise, its paradise,
Only with you
In our own paradise, its paradise,
(Paradise, its paradise.)
Made a mess but here we are, (here we are.)
Broken pieces fit together,(yeah,)
I hold your tears you heal my scars, (heal my scars)
Now I know you more then ever, (yeahh.)
Never thought life could be this way,
Cuz even when it bad its good.
Me with you
In our own paradise, its paradise,
Only with you
In our own paradise, its paradise,
(Paradise, its paradise.)
Forever I’m yours forever your mine,
I need you like mad its true,
Only with you in our own paradise, its paradise
More then we ever asked our imagined,
Live in the moment, I handle open,
More then we ever asked our imagined,
Live in the moment
Me with you
In our own paradise, its paradise,
Only with you
In our own paradise, its paradise,
Forever I’m yours forever your mine,
I need you like mad its true,
Me with you… Its paradise,
(Paradise, its paradise, its paradise, paradise.)

I really like their music.

So. It’s Friday again. I’m definitely PMSing again. When I get depressed, then happy, then lonely, and mad x 3. The last one is the real definitive indicator. Idiot at work is really setting me off and while it impedes my ability to work well, when it starts messing with my patients and making them uncomfortable or irritated, then I can’t deal with it anymore. I snapped and started going off about her to one of my bosses yesterday. He was completely taken aback and was like, who what when where huh? Grrrr. I’m getting very close to discussing this with my other boss. It’s gone far enough to the point where I was thinking of working here only 2 days a week and then somewhere else instead the other days when she’s there.

I was watching a Facebook video of a different method of doing cosmetic veneers, and made the ultimate mistake of reading the comments. Like a dummy I was like, huh, I wonder what other dental professionals think because I, myself, saw many problems with the way the system works. Well. Let’s just say that the video and subsequent comments are proof perfect that people on the internet (and therefore regular people) know very little about how things operate and yet still wish to squeeze their irrelevant opinions into anything and everything. The comments were mostly how dentists are crooks, then there were those who marveled at the idea of veneers (except they’ve been in dentistry for quite some time), then those who complained about why their dentist didn’t do that and instead took out their tooth, then the religious zealots in broken English that said Jesus will fix all your problems, those who shared dental stories about something not even remotely related to veneers….at the time I saw no input from any other dental peeps and it boggled my mind at how these people were missing the point of this video. It was a DIFFERENT way to do veneers, not introducing veneers as a new concept, or saying it was the end all restorative. In a way it was a fascinating research piece for sociology, or for how humans overall react to anything on the internet. If I took all the comments (being in the dental field, myself, and knowing a bit about how things work in it) and made a pie chart of the types of responses from this particular population of those who commented from the Facebook Channel, it might be very interesting indeed. Then you could compare it to other types of videos and see if the population of answer-types remain consistent across the board, or if it changes. Then if it differs greatly, then explore why and how and the different variables attributing to the discrepancy.

Huh.

Well the plan tomorrow is to do yardwork. Whoo. Stumps to be ground out today.

 

Without the Tree

Busy trying to sleep on a fall morning and realizing that the airplanes flying to the airport are much more noticeable now. It’s amazing how much trees benefit us, and of course we rarely notice anything until they’re gone. On the bright side, I have since stopped waking up with inflamed eyes, coughing, etc.

This week is sooo slowww and it’s about to go even more slowly because S is going to be gone today and tomorrow. B will be in her place and we all know how that goes…basically means that you have to start taking care of yourself.

Saturday will afford me some time to do yardwork for my place. I’ve been entertaining thoughts, again, about houses even though I’m well aware that it’s not going to happen anytime soon. One can dream.

Q and I were talking about S and her boyfriend and if he’s going to propose at the wedding they’re going to. It should have happened last year this time, but I don’t know what’s going on in his mind. She’s been waiting and waiting and waiting. We’ve discussed a few times about how she doesn’t deserve someone like him, despite how much she loves him, because she’s so vivacious and positive and happy, but he’s a bit of a reluctant stick in the mud. Being his hygienist, I learn a lot about a core of a person and I can glean and extract information in a wholly innocent way. He’s better than he was, much more mature now than at first, but he’s still got the give-up attitude where he’ll say anything, agree to anything you want him to say as opposed to being true to what HE wants and HIS own feelings. The bamboo syndrome that affects so many. That drives me crazy. They just moved into a house (2-year rent) and she was so excited about it given the fact that they can save money and mostly for their dog (he’s so proud and loves the dog so much) but he really didn’t want to, preferring instead to rent an apartment, despite the numbers and overall advantages and benefits of doing so. It really bothered me that he couldn’t see it, and I’d posited my suspicions to S, where she got upset at me, but hey, I say it as I see it. Eventually, of course, he told her (after some furious back and forth) that he was really excited to be moving into a house. As usual, it left me wondering what his true feelings are. Q and I discuss, but it’s not our life, so we just hope for the best.

Anyways, all that discussion had me jump into voicing to another person for the first time what exactly went wrong with my own relationship. I explained to her that I feel like it might be a little bit like that where it’s a one-sided relationship, but how much of that is the difference between females and males? Mine was so purely one-sided, I’m sure no one else can beat that. Except maybe my dad. Huh. Well…he resembled my dad in so many ways it wasn’t funny. S’s bf does care for her, though, that much I’m positive. It’s the little things, you know? I just, couldn’t be with someone who cared so little about me and so much about himself. I explained to Q that I wasn’t trying to get in his way, but if I did matter at all, it would have worked because he would have made it work. And that focus problem he claimed he had, you can’t get around it because it’s going to be like that forever. I guess you either learn how to balance priorities or you don’t. And the worst part is: if he knew he just didn’t love me anymore, why prolong it? Why extend the lie? Who else benefits but himself. Why not just tell me? It’s always been about him. All 2 years. On both sides.

It feels good to let things out. I do it plenty on here, but in person it’s even more therapeutic.

I wish I could forget. But I can’t. Damn brain.

Gorgeous gorgeous clear sky!

It’s the time of year to feel lonely again. I’ve been super talkative to my patients too. I guess I’m back! Haha. It’s amazing what vacations can do for you.