It’d be Nice

At least once a year I do a DNA test and all of the sudden I’m wishing I could afford to do another. There’s a sale on DNA tests right now through FamilyTreeDNA. D:

Must not spend money.

When I left work yesterday my left arm was busy tingling and instilling some fear in me. My right arm? Sure. I get that. But my left? Never had to deal with that really! My hands are looking more and more old now. It would be absolutely awful to never be able to draw, play an instrument or do craftwork again. Speaking of crafty stuff, I’ve not been able to do any of it!!!! So many hurdles. Uuugh. I hate not being able to afford things.

As excited as I am to be able to sell the other house, it’s becoming more apparent that it won’t be just a walk in the park because I still have so much to do and no real ability to do it. Time is quickly slipping from me, and it’s not like I can just come home from work and do a little at a time. If I did, it’d be done by now. Plus, whenever the weekend rolls around, it rains. Plus cost of materials that I’ll soon need and that Gable needs to go to the vet. I’m about 95% positive they’re going to put him on antibiotics for yet another UTI which jacks the bills up to or past $500 again.

I was overwhelmed by sadness yesterday while I was driving home in the car, so of course every sad thing and prospect in my life had to come rushing in all at once. Funstuff.

I think I need my eyes examined again soon. More money.

I have been so unbelievably lazy with working out. Am I depressed again? I don’t want to actually do anything and it’s bothering me. We’re going to the beach in a month and everyone is excited but me. Why. I’m probably depressed again. So many things to be depressed about. Depressed and bitter. Probably won’t be able to fit into my bathing suits. Figures.

I was talking to one of my younger, college aged patients and I realized afterwards how old my thinking is. The more crap you go through in life, the more weight settles onto you and the more you forget what it’s  like to be truly carefree. I carry so many burdens on my shoulders which aren’t disappearing anytime soon. Burdens tangible and intangible, worries, fears and responsibilities. Not too long ago I was happy and idealistic, new into my journey as a young adult, fledgling in my career. Now I look in the mirror and my face is no longer young. Like I mentioned before, my hands are not youthful like they were. My joints creak, my fat refuses to budge, and my muscles from working and poor posture hurt. Badly. And the absolute worst of them all, my brain can’t even work up excitement for a trip I haven’t taken for 2 years. I can argue that even around this time last year (relationship’s beginning of the end) life was exciting and full of possibilities.

My patient says to me, “I hope this (college) isn’t the best years of my life, that would be depressing!” In talking to her I realized the disparity now in age and thought and naivete and how that used to be me, too. The fire of youth, the passion to shake the world and make it a better place, all but gone now that I can’t even make my own life work right. And what is this “right” that I speak? Having it be like the others? What I perceive to be “correct?” What society tells me is the way? Well whatever it is, I’m certainly falling short of it and now my light is dim. At least, I’m sure she didn’t think I was as old as I really am. Thanks Asian genes.

 

 

 

 

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