I woke up like I do every day, around 6am. Usually I just end up lounging or napping for another hour before I pull myself out of bed. Today I got a jumpstart because Liana somehow managed to make herself fall into the little tiny crack among my bed, the dresser and the dog beds…I was afraid she’d be unable to get up in that strange position and hurt herself. So I decided to get up anyways because I’m already up. And also because I don’t have to work today. Makes a lot of sense, yeah?

This is the time that I usually get on to write in here, the blog, right after showering and morning potty. My body’s on time at least….gotta have that routine. I tell you, time and time again, it doesn’t matter at all when I go to sleep, I’m guaranteed to wake up between 6-8am. I remember in college staying up until 7am and then tried to sleep and ended up just giving up on that at 9am. Oh well. There’s always nighttime. The nice thing about laptops is that you can take them into the bathroom with you. TMI, yes. :D

I am so glad I dropped the cash to buy this computer. I really very much like it. Just enough power to play games, expandable memory, but it already is pretty good. I like the full-sized keyboard with number pad. It looks nice, the screen is wide enough that I don’t have to squint. It’s heavy, but if I wanted it light, I’d have just gotten a tablet and a keyboard. Yes, in the long run playing games will be difficult given that it is a laptop, but for my purposes, it’s great. I’ve talked to people who are like, wow you still have a computer? I’m like, um, yeah? I use it almost every single day, except maybe on Sundays. I hate mobile anything. Convenient, yes, but I usually end up casting it to the TV or dragging my laptop down anyways.

I was recounting an experience to my co-worker from my past (I also recount my dreams and other past stories. I’ve known her for 9 years now) and she remarked, “Wow, you remember that?” I waved it off and continued my story (basically as a kid I had a hygienist just like idiot at work and now it makes sense why her coworkers acted how they did too. It really stuck with me as a kid: that unsolved mystery because I liked her but the other hygienists didn’t seem to). Later with more time to think on things, my mind came back to what she said and I then had a thought: so. Does that mean that other people don’t remember things like that? Which then opened up a world of possibilities in my past and present. I mean, I know my memory is better than the average person, but how can I possibly know if it’s better or better better without something to compare to. Then things like, me talking to my patient about her teenage daughter’s want to wear super short shorts. I found myself saying, “It wasn’t too long ago that I was a teenager,” except that’s not true because that was half my life ago, but in my defense, my brain doesn’t feel like it’s been very long. I can commiserate and still understand for my kid and teenager patients…the memory thing again. I remember. So much. Always remembering, never forgetting. Even when I talk to my family about past events, they don’t remember things like I do. Smells, sounds, feel, taste. All the sensory information is there.

They say that our brains don’t actually remember and just make up information that it thinks it remembers. Is that true? Because I truly feel like I remember these events in the detail that I do. I watch old videos and it’s exactly like I remember it, but those are videos and unless you carry a gopro with you everywhere, you can’t record everything. I do know that memories are most strong when emotions are high. It’s a survival technique to remember things that affect us strongly. Maybe I’m always high strung? ahhahaha….

So, should it be strange that I remember events like the dynamic between old coworkers that are guaranteed to no longer work together anymore?

Then it blows another hole wide open for me: I accuse my ex of never remembering anything he said. It’s true. He told me things in the beginning that turned out to not be true or he refuted with another statement later. Promises that were never kept because he didn’t remember them. I remember most of the things he told me, and yet he remembered nothing. Probably remembers nothing now, having literally erased everything about me from his life physically and in his mind. I’d remind him that he said this and he’d be like, no I didn’t. So. Is it wrong for me to expect people to remember? Because remember. I expect it more of people I love or should love me, because I mean something to them. The same thing has happened to my friends. 2 months ago, they said this, but 2 months later they have completely forgotten, while I haven’t, and I’m a bit miffed that they couldn’t remember what they told me. For my ex, I know it’s true that so and so was said because I’d record it and if I go back, there it is.

So it’s me, all along? It’s unrealistic to expect people to remember as I remember?

This is why I must record, btw. I’ve had a habit of journaling everything since 1st grade when they asked us to start writing in journals because we were learning how to write and spell. Otherwise I remember too much and it clogs up my brain. I have the propensity to dwell on matters because, well, it’s hard to forget, but I’ve found that if I put it down somewhere, whether it be typing or handwriting (handwrite is much more effectively therapeutic, fyi, and saved usually for the very powerful emotions) things are easier to deal with.

Ironically, forgetting is also my biggest and deepest darkest fear. That’s my weakness. If I found myself forgetting everything that had happened, I’d lose control pretty quickly. You know what that means? It means I’m going to get Alzheimer’s. That’s how it goes, isn’t it?

In other news, check out this article.

Yesterday I decided to start keeping a list of video games that I enjoyed over my life. That would include most of them. Haha. So many “reviewers” hate on games that I thought were perfectly wonderful games. Don’t take reviews too seriously. Just go and give games a chance before you make a judgment. Just like I hate mushrooms and seafood while others would love them, someone will always hate and someone will always love a game, with exponentially more who think it’s good and decent and worth the time. I think I will put it as a menu item on this blog.


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