SATURDAY

Remember the other day when I posited, what if hauntings were rifts in time/space or realm/planes of reality? After reading about Titanic hauntings the thought occurred to me: what if happens the other way around too? Maybe all these sightings of UFOs or aliens are actually rifts of time/space/realm/planes to the future? That would make a lot of sense. Stonehenge. The Mayan (or is it Incan) stone depictions. Or even people who managed to master time travel in that 4th or 5th dimension? Then some spirits are not ghosts after all perhaps…just people who managed to figure out how to navigate the planes of existence. Observers, kids who got lost, bad people. It would make sense that if you could manage to manipulate and manage the time-space continuum that there would be dangers like getting stranded or lost. Or even if they are departed souls, they ran into the same problem of poor navigation or malevolent interference or even just plain I-don’t-want-to-go.

Speaking of souls, ghosts and spirits, maybe there’s one in my room now. Have all the stresses from this year worked together to make me vulnerable and therefore more attractive to them? For the last week or so I’ve been waking up to funky smells and poor sleeping and for the last 2 days my skin crawls the entire time I’m sitting in my room. Like right now. It’s crawling really badly. Itchy, or like things keep falling on my skin, little pricks here and there. That and extremely vivid dreams. There are other explanations like allergies, the spider the other day, dust, etc.

I’m in the thralls of my monthly emotional roller coaster. For the last 2 days and already today I’ve been feeling very sad and mad together. I keep thinking of him and today I woke up instantly crying. Unbidden, and unable to stop no matter how hard I tried. I miss him, I miss him, my head kept saying, and I was so overwhelmingly sad about all of it. Such an intense feeling all of the sudden like that made me wonder if he was thinking of me too. Gable came in the demand walkies because he had to pee and he was so cute. Even while trying to snap pictures of him and smiling, the tears just kept rolling. He stomped his feet and so I sat up to touch my girl lying silently at the foot of my bed and eventually my dogs pulled me out of it, letting myself get caught up in their excitement and happiness. Of course later after walking and a shower, I open up my Facebook and it kindly reminded me in my “On This Day”  of how last year on this day, we went to the movies together to watch The Secret Lives of Pets. The bittersweet memory…just like all the memories were. I loved him and being with him and doing things with him, but he always managed to put a damper on it somehow…like never smiling in any of the pictures I took (while I was with him it was a little understandable, but I always questioned whether he was happy to be with me. Was it the picture? Did he just not want other people to know he was happy with me? Towards the end it started to become more evident that he was embarrassed to be seen with me especially to his friends…was he ever happy with me?), refusing to eat the theater food because it was “bad and makes you sick,” or not wanting to eat like at McDonald’s or something because it was “unsanitary,” or not wanting to do something new unless I did it first. He mentioned that he always felt upstaged by me, that he was jealous of what I’d been able to achieve in comparison to him, that he couldn’t tell me what to do.

It all goes back to my own insecurity, as paradoxical as it sounds, that I’m too independent and dominant and confident…so much so that other people, especially males, are intimidated by me. Imagine if I had a doctorate and therefore authority in something. Not only is my personality like that, but my physical presence and build is like that too. I’m too intense. It’s hard to dial it back, though, because it’s who I am and when I get excited, it becomes more evident.

Well, those feelings this morning only proved to me that I am not ready to jump back into the game. I’d been toying with the idea.

…the skin crawling stopped.

Gable roachie.

Idiot at work is going to give me an aneurysm someday. Really. Her ultimate revenge for my coldness.

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