Since College

…that was the last time I preferred to listen to classical music while doing work needing concentration. When I was playing Watch Dogs a few weeks back, I realized how much I missed listening to classical and how many songs I’d known over the years. Now when I type up these blog entries, I switch from worded songs to instrumental/classical only. I love it. Music plays a major part in my life worded and non. Being around other people, I realize that not everyone is like that. I need it. I’m always playing it. Probably it occupies my brain because it’s always working and needs to focus on something. I always complain that I can’t multitask, but my brain does multitask in that aspect. When I’m drawing or anything crafty I need music. Not TV, not a movie, but something in the background. I’m less musically creative or performing these days, but music is and has always been so significant in my life, that it’s not readily apparent until it’s either not there or someone else doesn’t agree. Not just any music either. My music. Of course.

I’m going to take a moment, now to complain about reviews. Reviews in general. These days, now that the internet is everything and used in pretty much all decision making, reviews are all the rage. I, myself, am not immune and I’m sad to say that reviews truly do have an impact upon my purchases. Reviews on the surface are great! Before you buy, you already know what to expect, what problems have arisen, the dimensions, the feel, and more information than you’d ever need to know. It solves the problem of online buying where you can go out and touch and feel the item, and on top of it gives further insight as to durability and function. Instead of going into how this affects society as a whole and contributing the distrusting nature and lack of adventuresomeness these days born from internet use, I’ll just focus on reviews themselves. Given how much reviews drive sales, of course, companies trying to push products are going to try and cheat. 5 stars? 4.5 stars? Yeah let’s just group ALL of our products together and make it confusing so that people will buy them! Let’s get some paid reviewers (while honest, has the psychological free-effect where most likely it’s going to be a positive review), let’s randomly post some fantastic reviews written by employees because we have no integrity. Then there are companies that are very stand-up and honest. Products, video games, food, movies…everything gets a review. The question is, do you have to have a 5 start product? How many movies that were mediocre have you watched that you were still glad you watched? Technically, a 3-star product is quite decent. It works like it’s supposed to. Even if it’s not 5 stars, it’s still a decent product. Those people more than likely didn’t return it and still use it. However, you are very uninclined to buy a 3 star product when a 5 star is available to you. Then you jump into the world of relativity. One person loved it one person hated it, and boom you have a 3 star review. People are dumb, too. They don’t read instructions, and they don’t fully understand products. Some are very knowledgeable, others know jack and still want to review. Just read some “amazon questions” sometime and omg people are IDIOTS. AND, food and movies…people’s tastes are completely different. I hate food reviews. No one tastes food the same way and half of the time the reviews aren’t about the food, it’s about the lighting or something. Everyone also has that one family member that hates everything and they’re probably the one reviewing while other people think it was good and don’t need to review. Which brings me to the next part which is the people reviewing…Most people who are happy with a purchase don’t care to. Most people will review are those who FREAKING LOVED IT or those who FREAKING HATE IT. What about the 70% who didn’t feel the need to?

Am I still going to use reviews? Yes. Of course. But always with a grain of salt.

Ok rant over. WTF. I meant that to be like one small paragraph.

What I was meaning to post as the main post today deals with different body structures. If you draw at all, at some point you’re going to be studying anatomy, even briefly. For me, I started drawing because anatomy and shapes intrigue me. Teeth. Muscles. Forms. When I was younger and drew pretty much every single day I drew better…these days I’m more mature in my knowledge, but my drawings are worse. More accuracy, less skill. Artists always say, draw, draw, draw, draw. That’s the real trick. The problem for me these days is the lack creativity…in my younger years I’d draw all sorts of stuff even though I didn’t know as much. I love looking at my old sketchbooks because the mind of a kid is so much more broad and imaginative. I can’t do that anymore and it’s depressing. I guess I could try to train it again to do that? I dunno. This rigid adult mind preoccupied with mature, adult things like bills and food and biological clocks.

ANYWAYS…again with the sidetracking…my body is strangely shaped. Yes, yes, there is so much variation in body structure given the bazillion people on this earth, but I notice it. I have tiny feet in comparison to my body, child-bearing hips, huge thighs, massive cankles (my brother noticed that my calves are larger than 95% of the people at a buffet recently), no real waist to speak of, medium sized boobs, massive shoulders, smaller hands and a relatively small head compared to everything else. What really stands out to me, though, is my neck, or really, the back of my neck. It’s strange, really. Pictures to follow.


When I’m at church, I’ll look around at the back of people’s necks and mine is truly weird. Then I was curious and looked it up online. Now, I don’t know if it’s common, but dang those online models have long necks.

Here are the female ones. Notice the long necks for one, but that cervical bump/protuberance that is like a muscle attachment area, is not prominent on them at all. I tried to find different, average, and ethnic ones but I couldn’t.

Now some male ones. See how mine is more prominent? More like the males.

I think my body is an interesting mix of male and female characteristics. It all goes back to me being highly certain that I had a fraternal twin who died in the womb. Most likely male. Let’s not go into the spirt portion of this, but it might explain me as a whole. The mom’s body releases estrogen and testosterone for the baby, right? So if my brother died, then single baby would get more? I dunno. I never took developmental biology…but that’s my hypothesis. And if that’s not the case, then I just got more testosterone in the womb. I AM A CHIMAERA. Not really. Broad shoulders like a man, but the wide hips and boobs of a woman.

All of this to try and explain away this structure on the back of my neck. Haha. Beh. Why does it matter anyways? It’s what and who I am…it’s just maybe I’m terrified that is why he found me increasingly unattractive and therefore other males won’t find me attractive either. I’m built and can act rather masculine. I can’t help it. I’ve always been that way. 

This brain is insane. And bored. And lonely. Hence all these dumb entries.



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