Almost 2 months

Has it only been that long? MAN it feels like it has been at least 6 months. Aside from the sudden clarity of hindsight, one major difference I found in myself is that my intelligence is coming back to me. Haha. My command of the English language which has been in a massive decline (spelling, word choice, etc) is making a come back. Not only that but other cognitive functions are becoming more sharpened…or, really, re-sharpened, like creativity, reasoning, logic, and most importantly: curiosity. When my entire being was consumed with another person and devoting all resources there, nothing else mattered. I told him that my 2016 was him. An ENTIRE YEAR where I did absolutely nothing but think, breathe, cater, spend money, dream about him. A man. Something I’d been promising myself my whole life I would never do as a self-respecting and independent female.

Wow. I still refuse to tell myself it was a year or time of my life wasted, because no experience in life should be considered wasteful if you can learn. It’s just another part of the journey. Learn about yourself, learn skills, learn for future reference, learn to overcome and not be held back. No point in being bitter or resentful because that’s backwards-looking and will benefit you so minimally (it does help to alleviate pain to think like that, but only for the short-term). Instead, I just keep looking back on the old pictures that show up (and he untagged himself all in, but I will never untag myself), smile sadly to myself, and remember the good times. That’s how I prefer to remember him and us, even if he can’t bring himself to do the same. To each their own.

…I was thinking about him yesterday while working, because I have the entire day to think while I work. That’s how I realized that bitterness was forcing its way into my heart even though I refuse to let it take hold. He wanted SO BADLY to have a normal life, a normal girlfriend, a normal family…just normalcy. Unfortunately for him, his family is not average, with lots of drama, his early life was fill of drama, his life in general has not been “normal,” he’s been divorced (though one can argue the normalcy there), and I am certainly not a normal girl. Even his career now cannot be considered normal or average. I remember in the beginning he wanted my family to adopt him and let him live in our house because his family was/is so messed up and we seemed like a happy, normal family. I could never make him understand that normalcy is relative. I mean, who doesn’t want a happy, normal life with your average problems and ample resources? Never too poor that you can’t afford dinner, never too many home problems that you hate each other, a decent job, a loving spouse to come home to, and being able to enjoy life as you like it.

That desire of his is why I made it my goal to make him happy and brought about my ultimate doom. Our goals were all wrong from the start. It was all for him, for one, and he even admitted how one sided our relationship had always been, so of course I’m going to fight for me and he couldn’t take that. And what does it all boil down to? I could be blameful and say pure selfishness, while being completely correct, but the real and true problem was and is that happiness and fulfillment and peace comes only from within. Life is as you make it. The meaning of life and everything is 42. If you want to be happy it starts within yourself. You can only receive through giving. I tried so very hard to make him see compassion (serious failure there from me, but maybe he’ll learn it in his work), generosity (God knows how generous I was to him and will even now through all of it, never ask for money or anything back. Maybe one day he’ll remember exactly how much I gave him. I don’t regret giving him any of it either because all I ever wanted was to see him smile and happy), the value of money (different topic of discussion there), the goodness inside of him for self-confidence (I think I made some progress there…), and love. Love love love. So much love, as much as I could muster, but it didn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what I did, it’s all up to him to recognize. His family and everyone can try and give him the tools but he has to make use of it. I wish and pray and hope that he does.

LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT, PEOPLE!!! Not what others can give you, but what you can give to others.

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