Cold Water

At least it’s summer. This almost reminds me of when we were still being held captive by my dad and were denied anything but cold or lukewarm water, except that this time I know why it is happening and something is being done to remedy the issue.

For the last several mornings, I’ve awoken to very crusted and slightly puffy eyes. You would think that it could be allergies, and it could be, but the tracks of the eye crusties could also be tears. It’s the same feeling as crying before or during sleep, so it begs the question: have I been crying in my sleep? And then, why? My dreams have all been rather enjoyable or ordinarily strange. No doubt it has something to do with me mulling over my relationship. I can’t help it because that’s how my mind works: it just can’t let go of a problem and especially perceived failure. It must dissect, analyze, review scenarios and run possibility algorithms in an effort to figure out what, how and why so that it doesn’t happen again. At the same time, I understand that no matter how much arming myself with this information might be good application for the future, situations are never the same so it could very well be a fruitless venture, serving only to remind me of pain and inhibit my healing. My heart, while also trying to go through similar reasoning, is more concerned with how and why someone can be like that; how someone can operate when they don’t even feel what they say or think they’re feeling. For a heart and soul that when making a decision will follow through with it 100%, this is foreign and impossible. He was living a lie and despite everything I kept throwing at him to help, he continued to live it until it inevitably unraveled…at my expense. AND THEN, furthermore, how can that he just forget and toss aside everything that happened as easily as paper burns? Eh. Just proof that it was all a lie. Sigh. So very painful to look back in hindsight and pinpoint every instance, every indication of the lie. Well. It wasn’t a lie for me. I am not a lie.

Today the water heater is going to be installed. Gable is busy being a brat as I try to type this up. I have no idea what he wants. One of my Facebook friends posted this article about introverts this morning. A short read. I’ve been accused of having an old soul since about 3rd grade when my teacher felt me too wise to be a 3rd grader. Then subsequent teachers told me the same thing and even my friends thereafter. It’s never bothered me because if that’s the consensus from those around, it’s probably true. She touts embracing the “old soul” in you and to not be ashamed of it no matter what society tells you is the right way to be happy. There, again, is the concept of embracing what is you and makes you true. Embrace it. Accept it. Trying to fight yourself just isn’t worth it because it’s, well, futile. Same with problems in life. No point in running away, just face it. If you don’t, then you’re not acknowledging yourself and to do that creates a void and unrest in you and your life and therefore all your dealings moving forward.

At the same time while touting this message of embrace and acceptance, I must realize that people are different. I am one way and that doesn’t mean that everyone else is like me. If everyone is like the other life would be suitably dull and people would act like they’re from A Wrinkle in Time. 

Gable is still at it…whining whining whining. WHY?? I hope he’s OK and just being annoying.


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