I am in a food coma right now and I don’t feel like doing anythiiiiinnnnnggggg. UUUUUGHHHHHGG.

My brother said something me earlier that really made me think. He said he doesn’t like letting outside air into his car because it reminds him of my dad who would constantly pull in humid air to the house because AC is too expensive and it’s “cooling.” Similarly he hates rice because my dad always had to have rice. I told him that he’s a prisoner to his past, and realized that he’s just like M: if something is “bad” to them they completely wall it off and therefore “hate” it in an attempt to “rid” themselves of it. Like putting distance between them and the problem. Then I generalized it into males as a whole.

But. What if it’s not just a male thing and I’m being sexist, suffering from a logical fallacy? Same thing I’ve been repeating over and over: that’s running away from a problem. When I look at a problem I want to solve it, not sweep it under a rug and try to forget about it, only to trip over it the next time I walk the same path. Well. It seems to work for them…it’s annoying because to me, just because you had a bad experience in the past doesn’t make it always a fundamentally bad thing.

It’s just my style of thinking, though: that analysis, 3rd party perspective, moderate view. I try not to think of things as “good or bad” or “better or worse.” Things just…are. I feel that those are arbitrary to a person’s predicament, situation or current events. To me, there’s no real straight up anything. Well. I can’t say anything, but it’s less about black and white because most things in life are best viewed in shades of gray. Or better yet, color because there are more combinations of color than shades of gray. What may work in one instance, may not work well in another, and vice versa. Everything has strengths and weaknesses. This style of thinking is not common and certainly a gem when I do find those who share it.

Unfortunately, while it affords me a great deal of tolerance, insight and clarity of thought, it comes across as confusing, offensive, and cold…so very cold… to everyone else. My intentions are misconstrued on a regular basis. Hah. It’s funny that I say that too, because while it makes me seem very robot-ish and hesitant to take sides, I am simultaneously a very emotionally driven person with strong views. My mouth may say one thing, yet my heart may be thinking something very different. Life is full of complex contradictions, don’t you think? Strange, STRANGE person.

Either that or I’ve been playing too much Assassin’s Creed. ORRRRR MAYBE I’m drawn to Assassin’s Creed because I share the same ideas and thoughts!!!! WHAT WHAT??? Nothing is true. Everything is permitted. Altair himself acknowledged the hard-to-swallow paradox of life and their creed. Might be that’s what makes us human, these webs and intricacies of thought. So does that mean I’m more human than many of my counterparts? I’d mentioned in the past that if the difference between being a human and a beast is control of primality, then those devoted to enlightenment in the 3 pillars of being (mind, soul, body) are the true humans. Rejecting base urges for attainment of transcendence.

Eh, I don’t think I’d ever make it. Haha. I enjoy food and games too much. My mastery of the body is weak! My soul is stable but not powerful. My mind is always begging to work and think and wander. These days it doesn’t do much working, though.   Looks like I’m in the mid-upper echelon of enlightenment?

Sigh. I guess this means finding a life mate is going to be quite an arduous journey indeed. Who can possibly understand and feed this mind of mine? My family surely doesn’t get it.

Ugh. Still full. And now sleepy. In other news, I finished Assassin’s Creed II in 5 days! I don’t know whether to be proud or sad. One of my previous suitors whom I still randomly keep in touch which has been messaging me a lot and I’m reminded of why I didn’t choose him. I like video games quite a bit and food too, but doggone! He takes it to the max. Definitely not. I like him for sure as a friend but there is a reason he’s almost 40 and still single. Fun to talk to and man do I need friends right now.





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