There. I’ve Done It.

I am now 100% rid of M.

I texted him last night about returning his belongings because why in the hell was he not responding to me. He responded with I don’t know what belongings you’re talking about, and that for my information they had a failed cpr last night. I texted him this morning about his clothes and his beret and stuff and he started getting annoyed telling me to just trash everything and he didn’t want to deal with anything this week because someone just died on him last night. That’s when I started getting annoyed because holy crap then WHEN am I supposed to do this? He’s been giving me excuses excuses and more excuses. And not to be disrespectful, cold and mean, but unfortunately, that’s going to be your reality and you knew it going in. Even now, after all this time he still has yet to figure out how to deal with stresses, shrug them off, not internalize them, find an outlet, not take things personally. I understand that trying to revive someone and having them die on you underneath your hands is extremely awful and once again I have terrible timing, and I was willing to let it go another week, but I could sense the underlying current and I KNEW that if I didn’t pursue this now he would get more and more upset. That’s him and been him since I first knew him. One little stressful event and he’s out for and entire week or more. Can you imagine a big stressful event? Essentially there was, is and will be no “best time” to do this. Plus, I know he’s home and that it won’t sit out in the rain. Likely if I put it off he’d never respond to me again and I really and truly did not wish to involve his mom in this.

Speaking of rain, how appropriate that the sky is crying. He starts getting all upset and responding like an immature teenager. I could sense the immense grief behind his scathing words, but I had a goal. What about me, huh? I have to stare at these items of his every day. Every single day. I have more memories of him here in this house than he does of me at his. He forgot about them. Just like he’s so quick to forget everything. About me. Always has. Said things and would forget he said them. I tell him good, when he tells me to do what I want and I said I’m coming to drop them off of the doorstep and he FLIPS OUT and says that he’s going to leave and to not get his family involved with this. I’m like, OMFG who do think I am? You think that me, I, am going to come crawling with an insipid and demeaning ploy to SEE HIM???? Am I to come crawling back and trick him into seeing me??? OMFGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.

I was LIVID. So I leave and am driving super angry through the rain, drop off the bag, and text him saying how absolutely appalled I am at how little he knew and knows of me to think I am base enough to crawl back and cause drama. I had said over and over again that it was just a drop off, no seeing, no talking he didn’t want to hear it and kept thinking delusionally that I was trying to force him into seeing me because I knew he was home. I wished him a happy life and promised that he would never hear from me again. I took the long way home and sitting through traffic the tears just kept coming but mostly because now I understand exactly what he thought of me. I don’t know what kind of girls he had in the past but while I was seeing him he’d make these weird assumptions and generalizations about me, things that are “typical” of girls. He NEVER knew me. EVER. Even now he thinks I’d come back like his ex’s and try to mess up his life. No. NO. I am NOT that kind of person. I have integrity, pride and respect. How could he think so lowly of me after all this time?

It’s painful. More painful than anything we’ve been through up to now, to know that he KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT ME. About what kind of person I am. I told him that a couple times when we were together, but it never got through.

You can’t. CAN’T. help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. He’s trapped in his mind, in his past, in his ways and nothing can bring him out. That’s why I gave up. I did. I admit it now. I gave up.

Keep thinking that way, man. Be bitter. Be mad. No other relationship ever in your life will ever be successful unless you give it up.

I get it now. I get why anger is essential after a failed relationship. I tried so DAMN HARD to be cordial, to understand for him, be civil, to try and be adult and mature, but it was a mistake. A bloody mistake. Because he’s still a petulant child who never grew up, and probably never will.

You know what the last thing he texted back to me after I wished him a happy life and said goodbye? He said: “whatever.” Like a kid throwing a hissy fit.

I’m done. I’m through. Immaturity at its finest. I will still strive to prevent myself from entertaining hate, loathing and resentment because they are toxic attitudes and detract from my growth. I will still look upon our past and memories with fondness because they were enjoyable and a happy part of my life.

Maybe now with the last factor out of the way, I can move on.

…I truly hope he can too.

Something so simple as returning articles made so horribly dramatic and difficult. And why? Misconceptions. Assumptions. Selfishness. Not everything is about you, ok? And until you realize that, nothing in life will work for you. That’s my caveat for any girl in his future, my advice. Be aware of his full blown selfishness. He thinks 85% of the time about himself and has no time for you. A taker and very infrequently a giver.

GOD. I WISH AND PRAY TO GOD that I not become like him nor that I let this negativity permeate me and my future.

I keep returning to that question I keep asking, “Can men and women just be friends?” And I say, no, not after a relationship. Unless the two are that cooperative and have the same level of maturity and respect for each other.

Time to drown myself in video games.

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