GUH GUH GUH GUH

I am still very upset. This is worse than feeling sad, in my opinion. Anger really is awful stuff. It transforms memories into negative events, it lingers, it eats and just gnaws on me even when I think there’s nothing left to gnaw on. It sits in my heart and just hangs out. I tried all sorts of stuff and nothing is lasting…I think I’ll just have to let it burn off over time. I gave the body a good dose of resistance training and a spirited punching bag session…which didn’t accomplish all it set out to do because as soon as I’d get mad and see his face in the bag I just started losing strength in the punches because I don’t hate him; as much as my anger has been trying to convince me to hate him, that understanding, that compassion, slides in and takes over. I wasn’t raised to loathe and hate people (although there are 2 people that are right in the middle of that circle…) and in the end, like I’ve been repeating myself broken record style, I really do care about him and his family. No matter how much he hates me now, I can’t help but remember the intensity of his pain and grief behind those abhorrent texts. He talked tough like it was me who would be hurt, but it’s him. It’s always been him. I have a powerful and stable spirit and network of family and support…even if it’s small. They’re always there for me and I draw strength from them. I…don’t think he has that. He keeps pushing his family away, though they also care tremendously for him. His friends don’t seem very helpful or supportive…maybe they are on Facebook (he unfriended me before I could him this morning. Probably blocked me too) but not in person. He pushes everyone away though. It’s probably not their faults.

Eh. He’s out of my life now. I want nothing to do with him anymore. If he or his family asked me for help, I would immediately, but they won’t and he certainly won’t. I know him, though he doesn’t know a lick about me. I know he’s hurting bad on top of losing that patient yesterday. I know he’s been hurting really really badly about our relationship, and hiding it inside himself while pretending he’s unfazed by it. Then he’ll try his hardest to forget and just erase it all like it never happened in the hopes that the pain will stop. But it won’t. And he’ll be a slave to all experiences of grief his entire life no matter how hard he tries, but it’s all he knows to do and it’s “worked” in the past.

I learned over the years that is NOT the way. Running away from your stresses and sorrows never helped me in the long run…maybe short-term, but never long enough. Face them head on, accept it, turn it around and learn from it, pretending it’s a teaching moment or a lesson in life (because it is), and hold no ill-will. That’s how to attain peace and happiness. It’ll hurt so much at first, but it’s totally worth it. Let it out, let it go, give it up. Way up. Now. Exactly how long it’ll take to feel better? I dunno. But the human mind is unbelievably powerful. As well as the spirit.

Mind, body, spirit. You need all three pillars to hold up your life. Lose one, put too much in one or have one too short and your life becomes rocky and unstable. When you master or have control over all 3, then you stop thinking about yourself because you already understand yourself. That’s when you can focus on others and on life.

I tried to help him look at his stresses and troubles that way, but he couldn’t and/or didn’t want to understand. His spirit is lacking big time, but it’s his soul, for sure. Turbulent and confused. He could only focus on himself because he didn’t know himself, still doesn’t know himself. I’m thinking that he might never find the answer…though I don’t wish that on him, because everyone deserves to find their peace and place.

Huh, all this philosophical stuff calmed my own heart down. The first no longer burns as hot. I guess…it’s because I’m trying to give him excuses like I always have, to analyze him and figure out why he is the way he is.

Eh. I do it for everyone, not just him…he just means…meant…so much to me.

I’m still restless. I need a true vacation, a change of scenery…a friend. A person. Something different. Different people. I never wanted to look for another relationship more than today, but that’s stupid and that’s anger talking. I’m in no position as jaded as I am right now to make good decisions and my situation doesn’t allow me to either. I’m lonely. I just want to be held, to be loved, to be kissed. Never more than right now.

…when will I be strong again? Independent again? Like I used to be? I’m so morose and depressing now. Cynical. Uncaring.

Someone help me, please.

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