July 3

It’s the Monday right before July 4th this year. I have off all week and have no plans to do anything at all. Originally I was supposed to go down and try to get as much yard work done as possible because I’m running out of time to get things done before next year, but one, it’s HOT and two, I have no money to be spending on things like that right now. Apparently, it works out, because sister texts me today saying that his mom is probably coming down to visit. -_-;; Nothing about her coming to visit, and it works out anyways, but still it’s like, well, if I had planned on coming that wouldn’t be the best would it? So inconvenient.

I keep biting the inside of my lip/cheek area…sometimes my canines do that. Darn occlusion.

The plan for the week is to stay as low-key as possible. I’m hiding in the house as a safeguard against things happening to me. It makes me restless, but I don’t want anything else to happen right now. Saturday saw me doing online errands where I finally got all of my banks and finances and passwords and accounts and stuff in order. I had one bank account that I hadn’t been able to get into for 2 years so I finally called in (after being on hold forever) and after gaining access was happily surprised to find that I had much more money there than I originally thought. Woohoo! Unfortunately it was balanced out by my HSA account being suddenly closed. It was through Payflex and some quick Google-ing found that Payflex accounts tend to be a bit of a scam. People will put money into them for their FSA or whatever and the company then refuses to pay out despite proper documentation. Thankfully I didn’t put as much as I wanted in there, so I only lost $200 but that’s a payment for my debts, you know? $200 is a lot for someone who is in financial distress. That’s 2 dog vaccines, half a year’s dog preventative, payment for the fridge or the patio, a month’s worth of groceries… I decided that it’s not worth fighting someone over the phone for, though. All of my accounts withdrew money today so my bank account is back to being very small. I was waiting for that to happen, though, because I plan on paying the rest of the beach trip after everything has been withdrawn, so I need to move money around again. That way, that payment is out of my hair and I can focus on dealing with debt and moving forward, dog vaccines and house stuff, and paying my brother back for the tires.

I was so proud of myself for facing my finances, that I didn’t accomplish anything else in the last 3 days besides moving my rooms around again and doing my buttload of laundry. Sometime this week I need to address the lawn which is dying of thirst. Aside from those errands, I thought I’d entertain myself by teaching myself how to sew given that I can’t spend any more money and the sewing machine has been sitting around for several years. Why not. YouTube and I will be friends. When I get tired of that I might clean out the freezer and the pantry or just play old video games. Sigh. So exciting.

The only other thing that needs to get done is returning M’s belongings. It’s still an enigma why he won’t get back to me at all. I made the decision to wait because this is the July 4th holiday and he’ll be busy. I’d told him that I’d be off this week. If I don’t hear anything by Thursday, then I will text him back and tell him I’m going to drop off his stuff on his doorstep. Trying to decide if I should text his mom too, just to make sure it doesn’t just sit out there in the elements. I’ve had lots of time to think about why he won’t respond and the only thing I can really think of aside from him not caring, is that he doesn’t want to. He did mention, when I proposed we break up, that he thought I wanted a break. No honey, a break up. Not just a break. I guess it’s been only a month and a half. Come to think of it I haven’t seen him online at all…either that or he blocked me on everything. More reason to text his mom if I can’t contact him. First to make sure he’s OK, and then to give back his things. I’m sure he’s fine. I just…can’t hope to progress to a decent level of healing when I see his belongings every day and remember the moment, the day, the time I came into possession of them.

I’m so much better now when I see fire trucks, or hear sirens and even when I see the Facebook Memories thing. I just smile and remember and move on. Same with sad songs. There are nights that it’s too much for me and I still cry, thinking about how it went wrong, what I did or didn’t do to make it crash, but I overcome those moments much more quickly. My family stopped mentioning him, thank goodness. Dang it. There those tears go again. It’ll pass soon. Honestly, as much as I’ve been planning out meeting with him to return his stuff, what I will say, what I’ll do, how to say goodbye, I realized the other night that if it doesn’t go to script (and what in real life does?) I’m going to break down and leave in tears instead. In that, maybe it’s better I just leave it at his doorstep like a coward, telling myself it’s his fault for not wanting to see me that I have to do it that way. God forbid I see his mom because it’d be even worse…for both of us. The truth is, I’ll never get over him and I know that. I’ve known that. Just have to try my best, accept that, and keep going.

I realized that the reason he is so different now than he was when I first met him, is because from that moment until now, he’s been on a quest to understanding who he is. The army told him what to do, when to do it, and how to operate. Getting out of the army he was lost. It was hard to find a job, adjust to civilian life, just thrown out there, so he adopted a persona he thought was acceptable to society and went with it. Throw into the mix his divorce, family issues, depression (PTSD) and never having had a stable, adjusted childhood to begin with and you have the perfect storm. You’ve got to admire his push to survive though. Too bad he never did deal well with stress. It explains all of the incongruities about him. He’d say things but act differently, tell me things and then forget about them…it confused me. A lot. I’m grateful for my people reading skills because I’ve always relied on that more than what people tell me.  I just…had the privilege of being his stepping stone…the one who helped him on his journey to finding out who he really is, what his purpose in life is, to understand and accept himself, what he likes, wants and doesn’t.

Lucky me.

Now, it’s easy to say “why me?” and believe me, I’ve asked that plenty, but it’s just as right to think it almost an honor. I’ve helped this guy. And I have. I’ve given him so many different viewpoints, experiences, and ideas than he’s ever had. Do you really think a guy like him has ever met someone like me? HAHA…I’m not sure if many have ever  met a person like me…I guess I am rather unique in ideas and thoughts and how I go about life. I’ve challenged him relentlessly and yet at the same time loved him like no one has ever loved him before. As I do for most people, I turn perceptions on their heads with my own distinct flair. He isn’t now the person I met 2 years ago…in many ways.

On the other side of the coin, he’s opened my mind and eyes to things I never knew nor experienced before. He was also my stepping stone to learning what I want and who I am. I daresay I, too, am a different person than I was 2 years ago…for better and worse.

The last thing I want is to hold him in contempt, in resentment. It’s so easy to do, too. I’ll strive to push those thoughts from my mind because I care so much about him, even if he doesn’t return it…and possibly hasn’t for quite some time. My memory of him is impossible to erase because almost everything reminds me of our time together. I want them to be focused on the happy and fun.

No matter what, I really do need to return his things. Why won’t you respond…why won’t you just tell me what you want or feel? Why is it so hard…? They’re just your feelings. Accept them because running away won’t solve anything. I don’t want to do this the mean way. I don’t want to make you more stressed out, but I have a feeling you won’t leave me with a choice.

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