You Know It’s Summer

…when the hits to my stingray post goes off the charts. I can’t possibly be the only site to have information on it, right? At this point I have so many comments on the entry it’s like being in a forum. It’s great, though, to gather all of that information. One day maybe it will be useful for something more official. I hate re-reading the post, though, because it has to be one of the most poorly written blog entries I’ve ever done. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve edited it and I’m still unhappy. Then again, it is rather fun to go back through it because I’ve since forgotten the little details of the ordeal. I remember that it happened, but not the nitty gritty, nor what the wound looked like. Always an OMG GEEZ every time I see it and it all comes flooding back. Ah. Memories.

Speaking of memories, I wish he would just hurry up and set up a time to get his stuff back from me. I’m sure he’s completely forgotten about me and everything, given that I know that he’s the kind of person who would just prefer to erase all prior information rather than having to think about it again. Heck, he didn’t much think of me when we were together, so why would he now? I’m doing so much better about it all, not only am I relieved, but I’m proud of myself, to boot. Maybe he’s trying to avoid it. Well no matter what, I decided I can’t truly move on until he gets what’s his. No hard feelings or anything. I still wear the shirts he gave me and use the bottle and will continue to use the Yak-Trax. No point in erasing possibly painful memories–my memory is too good for that and in the end I don’t need to forget. That would be running away from my problems and I, years ago, resolved to stop running and to face them in order to overcome and grow from the experience. No need to be mad because once again it keeps me fettered and I need to free myself. Peace. Zen. Grudges, lingering resentment…they do nothing and only weigh one down. Accept, encompass, neutralize and keep them as trophies. Macrophage style. I can look at fire trucks now, firefighters shopping at the grocery store, and auto places without that pang of pain and anger.

Actually, I swear that poem I posted pushed me over the top of the depression pit. Interesting how my venting and channeling has changed over the years, and yet it remains something from the creative world.

I am so poor. I can’t even…Bah. This beach trip is super killer, but when I look at it, we’re doing it for my dogs and grandparents. All elderly. Haha…it’s worth it, though. Really. You don’t understand until you see how my dogs react to the beach (or any road trip/vacation, really) and similarly my grandparents’ reaction to this beach we’re going to. Pure bliss, low pressure, true relaxation, lost in the wonder of nature and life. Unless there are hurricanes. But. We’ll deal with that when we get to it haha. When they’re all gone and we look back on it, I’ll be able to say with conviction that they were happy…very happy when they were with us…and in the end, that’s all that matters in life, isn’t it: to be happy. When you’re on your deathbed, or staring death in the face with your life flashing before you, how much happiness can you say you’ve achieved in the journey? For different people happiness comes from different sources, it’s not all the same, but will you be happy or will you have an overload of regrets?

Personally, I’d rather not have to remain a ghost with unfinished business. If I died tomorrow, I wouldn’t be too sad. I haven’t lived too terribly long in this world, and I have things I still want to achieve, do, and I still have those I love relying on me, but overall I can say, yes, I’ve lived a happy life. I’ve been blessed, though I’m always complaining about being stuck and taking hits from all sides. I’ve had many experiences, sad, bad, traumatic, painful, happy, amazing, content, loving, fun…all worth experiencing. I’d like to have many more and new ones!  But if it’s time to go, then so be it. I’d just worry about my loved ones.

Wow that tone changed quickly. Work tomorrow! After this week, then a week off!


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