Sans meds

Only one yelp last night because she was roaching. So it seems she is OK…she was very quiet, much less whining and whimpering. I did notice she was careful, though, so it might hurt again and she doesn’t want to show it. Her clarity of mind seems much better. I’m going to continue giving her the medicine in the mornings, especially since I have to go back to work and can’t be there for her.

I can only speculate why and try to reason out whether and why the muscle relaxer would not or be beneficial. The Gabapentin, I already know the side effects and risks for.

My mind has started coming up with how to describe myself in my profile for online dating. It is an unwelcome thought process for my heart which wants nothing to do with it, but my brain decided that it wants to think about it, so it has been.

Dreamed about work this morning…I guess my body knows it’s time to go back. Thankfully for me I hadn’t been dreaming about it at all. Buh. Back to it, it seems.

I just finished writing a birthday card for M. In it, there’s a windup butterfly that’s supposed to fly out when the card is opened. …it’s the last surprise I had planned for him. I’d bought the butterfly at the very beginning of May when I’d begun thinking about a suitable gift for his birthday. I felt nothing but nostalgia for him, writing it, happy memories writing him cards and thinking about him finding it in the mail. Likely he’ll get it and not react the way I hope he will, but I’d been planning this for 2 months, so I wanted to follow through. I feel no deep-rooted hatred or resentment or any negative feelings towards him. Just sadness and hope for his future…and for mine.

Last year he bought me the Garmin fitness tracker. I loved it because he bought it for me. I love everything he gave me because he gave it. It worked really well and I showed it off and used it…and then 3 months or so later, it died. Straight up died. I guess I hadn’t taken care of how I was charging it and forgotten about it at times and threw it around. Then one day it just stopped working. I didn’t tell anyone and just stopped wearing it altogether because it occurred to me that it was an omen for our relationship and I didn’t want to think about it. Well. It was a rather accurate predictor of what would happen to us.

It’s just scary how accurate my predictions are in general. Thoughts will just play themselves out in my mind unbidden…kind of like someone is whispering in my ear or warning me. Thoughts that I won’t necessarily want to think about. For instance, the other day watching them run and thinking, wow this might be the last time I see them do this, ever, I can’t miss it for the world. Or, Hmm, I’m feeling like I might lose a dog before we go to the beach. Even, there’s going to be a cop around here somewhere, better not speed despite the idiot tailing me from behind, and BOOM, there they are.

These probably could be chalked up to good prediction algorithms in my head, but still. I trust my gut. Maybe you should too. LOL. Now why won’t it tell me the winning jackpot numbers…



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