Ha

Father’s Day…

Too bad I never had fond memories of this day. I am happy for those who had a wonderful day venerating the ones who provided half of their chromosomes, truly I am, but for me? Nah. Only memories of ungratefulness, complaining and tension.

Spent all day playing video games again, mostly because it prevents me from spending money and honestly what else do I have? I technically have the ability to do something more productive with my time, more creative, but none of that is appealing to me given my mood lately. I have ideas, but they’re just that.

On the Liana front, she was very happy today! She roached, wipey-faced, stretched a bit, and even went to tear a box! I played a tiny bit with her this morning because I was playing with Gable and she wanted to play, but remembered that she couldn’t, so I found a squirrel toy and she played a bit. I…still feel awful about what will happen after we run out of medications. She has this potentially false positivity to life again and it will be many times worse if it all goes to hell again. So tonight, I decided to try not giving her 2 of the medications. I only gave Rimadyl. We shall see what happens, though I know that it will take more than 12 hours for them to out of her system fully. Maybe she’ll be able to sleep better. If she was a human at least she would understand that after the medications things might still not ever be the same…but she’s not. She’s a dog and I can’t make her understand. I wish I could. I mean, even with the medications she’ll still forget and scream…she did that today after all those cute things she was able to do again because she stretched just wrong and cried until mama came to rub her shoulder again. I keep telling her to take it easy and be careful, but…how to make her understand. Sigh.

This biological clock won’t leave me alone. Guh. Why is it so prevalent? Probably doesn’t help when I play video games like Mass Effect…ironically in ME: Andromeda, which I am probably about 3/4 of the way through now, I messed up and turned down pretty much all instances of romance except one. The one I was trying to pursue is not interested in a relationship…I only have one prospect left. Figures. It’s just like real life. The one I want is not interested in me. Only likes me. And now I’m sorely running out of options and time. Oh well, such is the lonely life of a Pathfinder, I guess. Good friends, loyal comrades, but alone.

It’s funny, all of those who my friend and I speculated about future marriages/relationships are in relationships or marriages. Happy ones too it seems. Did I really put out an air of contentment and happiness in mine? No one seemed to have a clue the pain and drama that had been going on. It came as a shock to literally everyone. Well…I used to think that if so and so can do it, so can I. Ha. How conceited I am.

Not that anything matters…my life situation isn’t and won’t change for a little while. In fact it keeps getting more interesting and more complex. Whether I’m in or out of a relationship, nothing can really happen right now. Nothing can come of anything. Too many tie downs, no way out. I’m miserable. Just miserable.

At least I have my health and I’m alive.

Do I ever think of anything else anymore besides relationships and my dogs? When will I be happy again?  I put up a façade but inside…well. Nothing really. Haha. I’m not actually depressed. I’m not actually happy. I just feel…rather neutral in all things.

I’m stagnant. My life is stagnant. If there’s a lesson to be learned in all of this, I have no idea what it is. To make myself stronger inside? To not take things for granted? Enjoy what I have because it could easily be even worse? Not to be hasty because that’s how I cause myself stress and grief? To just go with the flow? Don’t think too hard?

HAH! How many times have people tried to tell me not to think? It’s IMPOSSIBLE. If my mind is not working or thinking I might as well be dead. Makes me wonder sometimes if my brain is normal active or more active than the normal person. Then, do people really have nothing on their minds? How is that possible? I’m pretty darn sure too that my brain activity has nothing to do with current technology…well. I’m sure that has something to do with how it is working in this moment in time, but I mean naturally. Like if you took away my phone and computer and TV and just handed me old school print materials like books, paper, pencil or musical instruments or toys. I can’t just take naps (heck my brain works hard even when I sleep. If you don’t believe me go read my dream blog), though I do enjoy a good lie on the grass outside (with bug spray on preferably). Even then my mind is occupied with relativity or coming up with questions/realizations about nature.

Sigh. I miss having a second half, someone I can share my heart with. My thoughts, worries, ideas. Not that I could do that with M, but he proved to me that I actually want a partner in crime. That I really do like having one. More sighing.

Day3 (2) – 4

One day I’m going to look back on all of this and dissect and analyze like I do. At this point I have 3 instances of grief/major stress to pick apart and come to conclusions about how I deal with stressful times.

Yesterday: a few yelps here and there

3:00pm: sister came by before my grandma’s 80th birthday party to visit. Liana tried to get up and yelped a bit, greeted them and then went back to lay down for the rest of their visit. Even when they were leaving, she was morose and much more lethargic than normal, to the point where they even noticed. Only got up right when everyone was at the door to go.

4:00pm: Had no problems running down the stairs for potty break. Anything dealing with the outdoors she is beyond excited to experience.

6:00pm: Went to the bathroom to change pants before walkies. Opened the bathroom door and she must have been sphinxing on the ground but got up too exuberantly. The most and loudest crying I’ve heard since Wednesday. I grabbed her leg and massaged it until she stopped crying. She was scared again and walked tentatively on the leg for the next several minutes. We took it very slow on the walk, but she perked up again after about 8 or so minutes. Remember how I said every time I get my hopes up, something happens? There you go. The crying is so gut and heart-wrenching…

7:00pm: called her in to show her a squirrel happily picking and eating my green strawberries in front of my face. She yelped coming in, but ran out and tried to Kapoom the squirrel. A small kapoom and not as fast, but the enthusiasm was there and it made me smile.

8:00pm: Didn’t want to eat her food at the bowl again, even though she was very eager to eat. Gable gobbled up his and wanted to eat hers. I tried to hand feed her (pssh of course not), so I gave her a few pieces on her bed and went to clean up the dishes. Came out to find that she had eaten those, so I brought her bowl out to her and went upstairs to get out of the way (she won’t eat with me around for some reason). Came back down to find that she had eaten everything except for the few areas I’d left fruit (nectarines and pork chops) for her. Haha. Silly girl. Made me happy.

8:20pm: Still having a very tough time making her take her medicine. I think I’m going to start spacing them out a little to see what happens. Obviously, even with all 3 pills the pain is still a thing, so either the medicine isn’t working as well, or possibly they’re not terribly significant?

9:00pm – 6:00am: Nothing to report.

6:00am: Lots of whining and phee-ing, etc on her part. She’s getting to be quite a brat when it comes time to wake up in the mornings. Once again I can’t tell if it’s because she’s just eager to go outside, or as I’ve been speculating, death’s knocking at her door especially at night and since we’re artificially prolonging her life maybe she knows it. Daytime is fine besides the odd moment where she’ll stand and just stare, but nighttime is bad for her. Could even be medications but that doesn’t make sense: she sleeps fine during the day. At night, it’s like she doesn’t sleep and will whine and whimper and get up and walk and stuff. Like if she stops moving she’ll die. Never had this problem before with her. She’s wanted to go places, but never to this degree.

7:15am: Stronger yelp right before I get out of bed to walk them, so more massaging, but no incidents while walking and she seems fine. Interested in stalking a squirrel eating moldy bread today.

Every time she cries loudly I think more and more about the moment when I have to put her down. It’s depressing. So depressing. I’ve been inside the house leaving only for dog walkies since Thursday. Honestly I think she’ll be OK, but the worry is strong and there. What if she decides to run downstairs and trips? She shows strong signs of distress when I leave or am not there, and every single time she hurts herself enough to cry out she seeks me out instantly.

You know, it’s funny, my mom is much more emotionally affected by this than I am. She told me yesterday that she realized she can’t let go of Liana, that it’s too hard. I’ve been extremely realistic…then again, I think the experience with Tristan and even my breakup and Gable’s dilemma all have prepared me well. I guess if you’re going to experience something deeply negative, it’s nice to already be in the negativity hole. Try experiencing that when your positivity meter is and has been at maximum. I can’t shake the feeling, either, that all of this is building me up for something truly catastrophic…some major heartbreak coming to us soon…I mean, it could be anything, heck I might not make it home tomorrow given the drivers around here, or a plane falling from the sky. Most likely, though, my grandparents. My grandpa is close to 90, if my grandma turned 80 this year. 87, actually. He was born in 1930.  Every time I see him he’s more and more frail. My grandma even is the same. I don’t know, but if this is any sort of preparation, it’s doing a good job. A dog is one thing, but a human? I’ve only had Liana 3 years and I feel like this. Gable I’ve had for 5 now.

Will I have more tears to shed? Probably. Haha. I’m becoming a pro at that, for realz.

One thing I will say, though: if you ever need someone in a time of grief or emergency, aside from being muscle, my brother is the worst support to have with you. He really doesn’t know what to do and his energy doesn’t help the situation. He is good for moving cars and weight around and driving.

Having dealt 3 times with death and close to death, it’s getting more familiar to me and I’ve proven to myself that I can still think clearly (for the most part) to talk to the professionals even if the tears are hard to control. Driving………..maybe not. Have to work on that part, clearing my head.

Today is Sunday. I have no reason to go anywhere (I am in the negative finances-wise, so….death is very expensive, but illness is moreso) but I was trying to think of someplace so I can test and wean her. Tomorrow we always do a grocery run, so that’s fine, but Tuesday I have to go back to work and my mom has a doctor’s appointment. Maybe I should dig out my gate? I don’t even know where it is.

Man I haven’t done a darn thing since Thursday. What a bum. Drowning myself in video games. I tried to play piano yesterday and found my fingers to be extremely unpliable. Even my finger muscles were complaining. Liana seemed to enjoy the music, though.