A Test

Tonight I’m back in my own bed and my babies are upstairs with me. It’s really nice to be on a bed again. As much as I love that couch, being on it for 48 hours was really starting to mess with me physically and mentally. I asked my mom if I could have it when I finally get my own place. She’s OK with that. I basically have my DNA all over that thing because I was there when we first picked and bought it and I’ve been on it ever since.

I want my girl in my room with me, but she went to her usual place. She’s much faster today all around and aside from the scare this  morning where her backside wouldn’t obey her, she’s been overall good and even better…to the point where she’s starting to forget she has to take it easy. Had a little reminder midday when she got up suddenly and yelped. Her leg still isn’t as useful as I’d like it to, but she’s putting a good amount of weight on it and taking stairs more like a pro. Still fighting me with the pills, but she’s eager to eat and was standing and waiting for dinner today. She was even forcing Gable out of the way to be first out the door! Oh my old lady.

Despite the great progress in 2 days (Gable’s month of depressing behavior vs a few days with her? Geez.) the overwhelming knowledge that this may still not end well for her, artificially extending her life with medications, hovers like a weight in my heart and my mind. She doesn’t realize what the medications are doing for her and if the spinal problem is the real deal and doesn’t ease, how can I make the decision to end her life when she’s loving life again? Stop the medications and bring back the excruciating  pain? That’s terrible! Or bring her to the vet when she’s feeling great and then saying, oh goodbye Liana. She won’t understand! She would’ve been fine dying on Wednesday because she definitely wanted to die then, but the medications are making her feel fantastic now…back to normal, which is exactly what she wants. To be normal again.

…Gable was playing with toys today and she very much wanted to play with him, but her body isn’t 100% back to health and she realized that. I had to stop him to from playing to not tempt her.

She’s like me: what’s the point of living life when you have to hold back?

Well one thing is for sure: since this whole drama started I haven’t had to be tormented by my breakup. Unfortunately now that it’s less of a problem and I can think of other things, it’s coming back into my consciousness. Yesterday an E-harmony commercial came on TV and my mom looked at me. I pretended to not notice but I could feel the intention. We were talking about how taking care of Liana like I have, staying up with her, taking care of her and getting no sleep because of her is just like doing the same with kids when they’re sick. It moved on to back pain and muscle pain. Then she says, remember that. Remember the back pain because it’s much worse when you have kids. And I’m like, HUH? Where’d that come from?? She repeatedly hints at me having kids and I keep telling her that I already have dogs. Sounds like she wants me to try getting into a relationship again and to have kids. Wut. Where did this whole kids thing come in? She must think I’d make a good mom. I admit that ever since I started dating M my stance on kids has relaxed a bit. But it’s still not a yes. Then again it stopped being an adamant no.

Sigh. It’s weird. Part of me is not ready to be in a relationship again and part of me is eager to try once more. My current situation is ill-suited to a suitor and I’m sticking with that for now, but more and more it’s nagging at me. Heck, I haven’t even given M back his stuff yet! It has almost been a month, but not even!

So am I over him? Yes and no. Distance has indeed made me realize that he never cared for me as much as I wanted him to. Then again, that obligation I held to him was probably a big reason it didn’t work well from my part. I made assumptions, expected things a certain way and we didn’t see eye to eye on some major things. While it’d true that two people shouldn’t have to have the exact same interests, you have to have something in common, or at least be willing. I always thought I was a very willing person; I love adventures and trying new things…but there were certainly times I should have relented instead of put up a wall. There were so many flaws. Do I still love him as much as I kept claiming over and over again, now that we’ve been apart almost a month? I do. I still love him. If I didn’t, it wouldn’t hurt so much when he responds curtly to my texts or whenever I see a Facebook post from him. Then I start to feel the resentment again and it bolsters my resolve about the decision I made to break it off. I still remember his surprise when he said, “you want a break?” It stuck with me because it wasn’t a break I wanted…it was a break up…I still don’t know exactly what he feels in all of this and it bothers me. Did he ever love me? Or was I just another girl? A nice person, who did things for him, thought of him, gave him things, wished the world for him. I really hope I meant…mean more to him than that. Because I still love him and that won’t change. When I finally see him in person, I guarantee I’ll still feel it and strongly at that. I’ll never get over you, but I’m OK with that. I read somewhere that men are quick to forget but not forgive, while women forgive easier than they forget.

Boy, it does feel like crap, though, to feel like I’ve just been thrown aside like an unwanted toy, unable to compete with other, more interesting things.

I’d love for someone to fawn over me and adore me and think the world of me…is it a mistake to treat someone like that? Maybe people don’t want that? Sigh. I guess I could’ve been obsessed, creepy, over-enthusiastic with my love. I just…all or nothing, you know? What’s the point of doing anything when you can’t put all you’ve got into it?

Well. I hold out hope that someone is out there for me that is in my vicinity, and not across the country. Also that my life situation stabilizes and I am able to try again without so many detrimental factors this time. That clock just keeps ticking.

I’m so so glad my girl is happy again. I just can’t shake that overshadowing negativity…is it foreboding? Honestly if I could have one wish right now, it’d be that I could have both dogs with me for the beach trip…probably our last beach trip to Topsail…and with dogs in general. If I could have a second, it’d be that I could tidy up this whole house ordeal and be done and sold with it.

…I guess that’s one good thing about not having Liana around anymore: there’s no reason to keep the other house at all. Gable doesn’t need it. Just her. Not that it would be any use to her now anyways… I don’t want to think about it.

My mom accused me of not being positive thinking about her today. I told her that I’m a realist. I think realistically. No point in glossing everything over. No point in painting bleak pictures either, though if I had to choose on the positive to negative scale, I’d probably place myself closer to negative than positive.

Hope does keep me alive and happy. Necessary for a happy life. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Words to live by.

 

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