An overwhelming calm???

I don’t know what to feel right now in regards to Liana. I just don’t feel worried or depressed or anything. In fact, I feel…nothing, like everything’s OK. Usually I’ll get an overall sense of forboding before something bad happens, like before Gable’s foot where I was worried about him for months.

In a way, maybe that’s a good thing because my gut is usually correct, but in this case I can’t tell if my goal of hardening my heart to emotion post-M is just successful or not. Certainly my emotions don’t run the extremes much anymore. I get mad in the car, but it’s only for an instant. I get irritated at work, but it leaves me very soon. When I hear about something sad it doesn’t affect me much, like I’m hearing just a statement. Do funny things seem funny? I don’t know…I’ll have to pay more attention to it. My cynicism still works well, though.

It’s painful to hear her yelps when she tries to stand up, to watch her limp and try to keep up on walks, to watch her carefully pick her way up the steps. She knows that she’s lame now, so she’s stepped down from her alpha status, handing it over to Gable. She tries to be inconspicuous too, so that we won’t kick her out of the pack. Dog law says that injuries and lameness result in exile from the pack because the group can’t afford to take care of the weakest link.

In the meantime she still gets excited to go on walks (careful, but excited), she still wants to stalk critters, still likes treats and good food, still enjoys a good belly rub.As I consider the worst case scenario and what to do, I have to take her will to live and quality of life into consideration.

Last night, I upped the resistance on my Total Gym and resolved to really put myself into my workouts again. If I need to carry her home one day, I need to be able to do it. She’s lighter than Gable so the goal isn’t so farfetched or intimidating.

Trying to find a temp at work so I can take her in. I can’t afford this. These dogs…

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